Work Text:
Collis was… Having a not-good day, to say the least.
He’d gotten into an argument with Sam that morning on the phone. Fred still hadn’t texted back after wishing him a happy birthday a few mornings ago. He was worried about his mom and her job and the stress it was giving her. And, frankly, overall it just…
It was also just one of those days.
You know the ones.
Kinda sucked a bit. To exist. Heh.
Sarah picked up on it. Of course she did.
He could feel her eyes pressing into him the moment he entered the room, only intensifying as he slid into his usual seat next to her at the usual table.
“You good?” Sarah asked. She sounded curious. Like she didn’t mind either way. As though it was just small talk.
He knew better.
He shrugged. “Weird day. Family shit. It’s whatever.”
She nodded. “How are they?”
Collis snorted. “You saw them just last week, you tell me.”
Sarah rolled her eyes, tapping a pen against the table. “You know what I mean,” she retorted.
…Yeah. He did, unfortunately.
“I’ll… Tell you about it later,” Collis muttered. And, he would. For the most part. Maybe. “We’re in the middle of class, by the way. Thought you should know that.”
She sighed but made no further comment, going on to write down notes about their upcoming project as the professor droned on about something. Collis tried to listen, but there was something fuzzy in the way the professor’s words appeared to him.
His human brain was being annoying today.
(Or, maybe, it was him.)
*
Music Theory happened to be Collis’s favorite class he was taking, for a few different reasons; the most obvious being he just quite enjoyed music and wanted to learn more about it—his entire family was obsessed with folk and classical, and while he wasn’t big on classical, he’d always seen the appeal. He’d signed up for taking a music course shortly before moving out and returning to college, so it’s not like he’d never not liked the class. He just liked it on the same level as his Biology one with Sarah.
…
Then there was Summer.
As fascinating as humans were, he didn’t really give anyone besides his family a second glance. Humans were just… People. Nothing to write home about, nothing to gawk at. Eventually, ants under a microscope only become so interesting to watch—you have no true attachment to them. You don’t want to harm them, but you don’t want to wait around to make sure they’re unharmed, either. No reason to keep up with their whereabouts. Nothing there to truly care about, and it grows dull.
…That, and, if he actually explained that kind of thought process to any other human than the ones he knew, he kind of doubted they wouldn’t just call him a creep for it. Most humans didn’t see things like that; most humans didn’t compare other humans to that of bugs. (Even if he happened to really love bugs, it’d be seen as something other than it was, he was sure.)
In any case… He wasn’t sure what drew him in, at first. What made him almost want to become attached to them.
To see another human as more than just another human.
. . .
And yet, right now…
He wanted to do anything but be seen by them.
When they come into class that very morning, always just a little late, he didn’t join them at their lone table, like he usually would. He purposely had sat in the back, obscured by most everyone, and he saw them glance around, searching for him. Expectant to find him somewhere.
But, Collis wasn’t wearing his usual clothes. He was in a hoodie. He’d pulled it over his head. He was sure he looked like a creep now, but it was better than anyone recognizing him as who he was.
Especially them.
So when they eventually stopped their search, unsuccessful in spotting him in the room, he let out the breath he’d been holding.
He… Wasn’t sure why he was avoiding them.
…Okay, that was a lie.
He kind of knew why. Sort of. Maybe???
Not really?
But potentially…?
…
He left class without speaking to Summer at all, and seeing as it was his second class of the day, he went back to his dorm. The day didn’t really get any better from there, but Fred did text him back.
That was something.
*
The next day was… Very much the same. Without the family shit though, so it was odd his brain felt mostly the same.
Surely it didn’t have anything to do with the fact he recently realized he had feelings for—
No.
That was. That was! Ludicrous!!
His kind couldn’t feel that way about anyone, let alone a…
…
But…
But, Kayden did.
Kayden had fallen in love with a human.
And Kayden was a Katsija.
A single Ereldeja was known to feel more than the vast majority of Katisja had let themselves feel in their entire existence.
And Collis already loved a select number of humans! They were his own, his family!
So if that could be true then why couldn’t he—
No. No. No. It didn’t make sense.
He didn’t get to feel that way. It wasn’t who he was. It wasn’t his nature. It wasn’t him. He didn’t get to.
An Ereldeja only ever cares about itself. It seeks to destroy that which is pure and good. It cares far too much, for too much, for that which it cannot save.
Care makes you weak. Emotions dull your ability to think straight. Do not be like them. Do not give in, why would you ever give in?
You are foolish.
I told you not to. You disobeyed me. You went behind my back. You shame yourself. You shame Astereja with your mere presence.
How can you exist within yourself?
You are ereldeja.
You will never be anything other than chaos itself.
You are broken.
He’s broken.
He tried the same strategy as before when it came to Summer; avoid them for the whole day and make them think he just was sick or something. Skipping class, maybe? Whatever worked, whatever they assumed of him.
He was a nuisance to them anyway. Always making a joke of things. Making them uncomfortable, probably. They’d never actually like him like that. They were indulging him. Maybe they’d forget all about him. Be happy he wasn’t around anymore.
He hoped so.
…
Things didn’t go according to plan the fourth day he’d been avoiding them, however.
He’d been talking to Sarah when they must have realized it. Realized the mysterious cloaked figure that had been attending the same class as them without speaking to anyone was speaking to Sarah Powell—because who else would be a mysterious cloaked figure talking to her?
When she walked away, he caught them staring in his direction—but they were quick to avoid his gaze. When Music Theory started, they didn’t approach him, and he’d assumed maybe they didn’t suspect him at all. He was just being paranoid.
But, then, as he was leaving the room to return to the hallway, something snagged his hoodie’s sleeve from behind.
“Collis?”
Their voice was… Smaller than normal. And they weren’t using their usual nickname for him.
That was what made him turn around, and face them, finally.
“You okay?” he asked softly.
Their expression gave him nothing. It was hollow, somehow. Blank. “What’s goin’ on with ya?”
He blinked.
“What do you mean?”
Summer huffed. Just a glimmer of frustration, and Collis could almost pretend things were back to normal. “Ya’ve been avoidin’ me.” It wasn’t phrased like a question, but it was in there somewhere. Or, rather the Why?
Collis paused. Just enough to give them pause; just enough to confirm it.
And he watched them crumble.
They tore their hand away from him, stuffing it into their jacket’s pocket. Next, they tore their eyes away from him, fixating on the floor.
Collis felt his heart begin to tear in two.
“Mers—”
“Ya coulda just said so,” they said quietly, voice breaking. The sound stomped on Collis’s already splintering heart.
“S…” Collis’s mouth worked at nothing for a moment. “Said what?”
Their gaze hardened. “That ya— Didn’t wanna fuckin’ talk to me anymore!” they spat. “That ya wanted to stop bein’ around me, or, or— Whatever the Hell you were doin’! Bein' my friend! Ya coulda, coulda just said you didn’t wanna be my friend anymore!”
…
. . .
No. That wasn’t…
That was what they thought he was…?
“No,” Collis whispered, “no no no, Mers, that’s not—”
He took a slight step towards them. They didn’t flinch away, but they didn’t look at him, even when he gently reached for their hand, clasping it in both of his.
“That’s not it at all, dear. I still— I… I want to be your friend. More than anything.”
He watched their eyes glisten with unshed tears. They blinked, in a vain attempt at hiding them away, but it just made one roll down their cheek.
“Here,” Collis murmured. “Let’s go somewhere else, yeah?”
Summer nodded quickly, and he led them outside, to one of the areas the two of them with frequent when it was just them. It was a bench near some willow and buckeye trees, a spot Collis noticed Summer going to the time when he only knew their name. Now, he knew they liked the spot because it was far enough away from the building to give them space from other people, but not far enough away to where they felt stranded. He knew they liked to read and write here, and track the amount and species of the butterflies they spotted in the summer and spring.
‘casionally the fall, if I’m lucky, they’d beamed. Ain’t it incredible? The number of ‘em there are in the world, I mean. It’s fuckin’ awesome. Like, back in New Zealand I used to see a lotta Argyrophenga antipodum, but just in this one part of Ohio, you get a bunch of ‘em, like the Papilio glaucus and the Papilio polyxenes—oh, uh, Eastern Tiger Swallowtail and Black Swallowtail. Those’re the common names. Oh, and the Danaus plexippus! Those’re my favorites, y’know? The monarchs I mean…
Now, Collis had many secrets. His most locked away one being that he was not human, of which he was only honest about to those that mattered.
His scariest secret, his most dangerous one, was that that he’d fallen in love with a human the moment they began discussing the scientific terms for mosaic-winged bugs.
A huff was heard behind him, redirecting his thoughts.
Summer had their arms crossed over their chest, keeping their eyes trained on flowers underneath a nearby buckeye. A breeze briefly flew by their hair, ruffling it enough that they made an effort to fix it as quickly as they could, their eyes narrowed with annoyance after the fact.
It didn’t take long for them to notice his staring.
“The Hell ya lookin’ at?” they demanded, a bit angrier-sounding than usual. Outwardly, Collis shrugged.
Inwardly, he was trying to fight off the butterflies that had long-since trapped themselves inside his stomach.
“Just thinking,” he added. You know, like a liar.
Summer just snorted, taking their gaze with them once more and Collis had the horrible, horrible thought, that he wanted them to look at only him for the rest of his days.
Would they? Could they…?
“If you’re gonna say fuck all, why’d ya bring us out here?”
Oh. Right. He was being selfish again.
“Sorry,” he murmured. “I meant to… I was going to…”
They were looking at him again and his breath faltered in his throat. Not that he needed it anyway.
“Uh.” What was he saying again? What were they talking about? They were looking at him. “Your eyes are… Beautiful.”
Stars. He’d forgotten what it meant to be seen by their eyes. To be perceived by them and nothing, no one else. Now, it was all he could think about.
They blinked.
Then,
they scowled.
“Let me get this straight,” they growled, “ya brought me all the way outside, ta here, ta compliment my eyes?”
They said it like he didn’t mean it. Like it wasn’t everything.
That…
…
That made sense. Even if it hurt.
But, he was here for a reason. He couldn’t just get lost in them, he had to make it up to them.
He couldn’t lose sight of what was important.
Not now. Not ever.
“I’m sorry. I…” He blew out a breath, running his fingers through his hair. It felt clammy against his forehead. “That’s— Not what I wanted to talk about.”
“What do ya wanna talk about, then?” Summer huffed.
. . .
“I… Why I was avoiding you.”
He saw their shoulders tense. He resisted the instinct to wrap them in his arms; an instinct that grew ever greater with each passing day.
He didn’t deserve to.
Collis took a step. Then another. Until he plopped onto the bench, adjusting to be as small as he could be on one side of it.
“I’m, uh,” he said, and then, he laughed. “I’m having a bad day, I guess you could say. Or, kinda just— A whole shit-show of a week.”
This time, he made sure to keep his gaze off them. Stared into the flowers.
After a moment, the slight rustle of grass, and then, the bench dipped next to him.
“Y’okay?”
Their voice was gentle. He remembered hearing it gentle like that once or twice before. It was rare.
Meaningful.
…He wasn’t sure why it was directed at him.
“I’m…” He was about to say fine. It’d be easier. Simpler.
But, then, he chanced a glance at them.
Their brows were scrunched up. Their frown was softer, not biting like before. Everything in their features screaming worry.
Summer… Hadn’t known Collis at a time when he was a chronic liar. Someone who deceived and deceived and deceived all those he cared about—they didn’t know treachery. Not from him.
…
They were… The kindest human he knew.
They pretended not to be. They pretended to be mean and rough and sharp, but… They always asked him how he was, at least once a day. Sometimes more if something gave him away (the furrow of his brow when he’d had a fight with someone, the deep frown that never left his face when he thought they weren’t looking, when the past replayed over and over in his mind). They were far from dumb, and the very last thing they were was someone who didn’t care. They’d stay behind to help fellow classmates; they’d go out of their way to greet the teacher and express gratitude for her teachings; Hell, he’d seen them give gifts to a handful of people before. Not that gifts necessarily meant someone was kind, but he’d asked them about it and they simply said (while brushing and blushing it off) they were “thank you” gifts. Whatever that meant.
To lie, to do anything that even slightly hurt them was…
What was the saying? Punching a kitten? Yeah, that. It was like punching a kitten.
It was cruel and didn’t make any sense at all to do so.
So, he proceeded to do something that made sense (even if “sense” went against his entire being):
“I’m… Not.”
He pressed his thumbs together.
“I’m not okay,” he mumbled.
…
“I feel like… Like a piece of shit. All day every day. That’s,” he pressed on his thumbs until it almost hurt, “that’s why I didn’t— I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want you to look and me and, and think I’m shit too. Which is— I know that’s dumb, because I’m shit no matter what I do, even if I pull the wool over your eyes that’s not gonna— That’s not going to change the fact I’m…”
His throat began to burn. His eyes began to burn.
“I didn’t… Deserve to see you, Summer,” he went on. “I don’t. You’re, heh, you’re… Stars, you’re amazing.” He laughed. “I l— I like you so much it hurts sometimes. You’re such an incredible human.”
Instead of responding, they took his hands in theirs. Heh. Probably to stop the habit he was doing. To stop him from hurting himself.
They really were incredible.
“Hey.”
“Yeah?” He prepared himself to hang on to their every word.
“If ’m hangin’ out with shit, guess that makes me a farmer.”
…
“That was awful, my bad.”
Heh.
Collis shook his head, grin spreading across his face. “You’re adorable.”
Their face flushed a bright shade of red and he’d never wanted to kiss them more. He was about halfway to asking if he could when they muttered,
“You’re insufferable.”
“…Wow. That rhymes.” His grin widened. “You should be a poet. Like, y’know, officially.”
“Uh huh,” Summer responded, flat.
“I’m serious!”
“No ya ain’t.”
“Am too!”
“‘Adorable’ does not rhyme with ‘insufferable,’ Ollie. You’re fuckin’ bananas.”
“It’s close enough! You could put it into a song and everything!”
Their face flushed even more. “Who the Hell is gonna listen to a song with the words adorable and insufferable rhymin’ with each other? That’s dumb.”
“I would,” Collis said, readily. “I’d listen to anything you write.”
Summer blinked. Collis went on.
“Like, you could write, like. About your food list and I’d still wanna read or hear it. Like. Genuinely.”
A rare laugh barked out of them. “Food list? Ya mean grocery list?”
He flipped his hand flippantly, “Yeah yeah, that, whatever.”
They continued to laugh, a bit too long, and Collis felt woozy and like he might pass out probably.
Was it hot in here or was it just him?
Oh, right. It was summer.
…
And it was Summer.
“You’re just sayin’ that,” they huffed, giving him a light shove, but they were smiling. Stars, he loved their smile.
“I’m not. I mean it. You’re… I mean, have you seen what you write?”
They snorted, “I should think I have.”
“Well, then. There you go,” he gestured at them. “It’s perfect. You’re…”
. . .
Suddenly, they were too close to him, and he was looking into their eyes, and they were looking into his and…
Fuck.
He wanted to kiss them.
He wanted to kiss them he wanted to
Collis pulled away, rubbing his hands on his legs and laughing, “Thanks. For, uh… Listening. To. Things.”
He couldn’t kiss them.
That’d be—
“Uhh, yeah.” There was something… Odd in their voice. “No prob, Ollie. That’s… ’s whatever.”
Something wasn’t right. They seemed… “You okay?”
They shrugged. Sniffed and brushed back a lock of their hair. “Yeah, y’know, just… ’m… Ya’know.”
He… Didn’t.
Did he do something wrong?
“’m here. Whenever ya need m… It.”
…
“Thanks,” Collis said softly.
And, they both left it at that. They both went their separate ways and Collis returned back to his place and… Things just went on like nothing happened.
. . .
Had anything happened?
He… Hadn’t realized he’d wanted to be anything with them until it, they were staring him right in the face. All butterflies and summer and warmth. Everything that was them.
He had no clue how to even love somebody in the way he loved them. He didn’t know what to say, how to act, how to feel. What if he did something wrong? Said the wrong thing? Would they hate him?
He didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to be that to them—just another guy they wrote out of their life. Was that selfish of him? Was it selfish to want to be in their life, even if he might hurt them?
He didn’t want to hurt them.
How was he supposed to love them?
What was the correct way?
How could he do right by them?
.
.
.
And, was he banking on the chance they’d ever love him back?
It wasn’t likely.
Furthermore, even if he came out and said how he really felt they’d probably find it creepy.
Wouldn’t they?
It’d be too soon to tell them he loved them. If he did that, they’d run as far as they could, even if it were true. He couldn’t do that to them, could he?
And what of him saying he simply liked them? In the romantic sense, that is.
Would they even say that back?
Again. Not likely. He was lucky to even be friends with them after something like that.
He couldn’t do that. Not to them. Not to himself. It was too risky.
He wanted them but he couldn’t.
He loved them but he couldn’t.
There was too much to lose.
So,
that night, Collis turned out the light.
He climbed into bed.
He rolled onto his side.
He curled his knees into his chest.
And he cried.