Chapter Text
The ninja watched as the last of the mourners filtered out through the monastery doors as the memorial finally came to an end. They stood to the side, giving small nods to each individual as they passed. Wu stood by the doors, shaking hands with some, saying words of wisdom to others, most of which made Kai cringe and turn his head away. But that’s when he saw the last two guests making their way over to him. His parents. They gave him a signal to join them. Kai looked at the others. Jay, Lloyd, and Pixal had not been paying attention, but Cole and Zane made a motion that said to go and talk to them.
He sighed. He really just wanted today to be over already, even though tomorrow wasn’t going to change anything about what had happened.
Kai walked up to his parents, who wore that same pitying look that everyone of the guests had worn. Although theirs was slightly different, seeing as they deserved some of that pity, too. They were also her parents.
His mother touched the side of his face. Normally he’d hate the physical contact, but he felt he could make an exception just this once.
Kai hoped that they wouldn’t ask him if he’d be okay, because there was no way he’d be able to answer that. He didn’t really know if he was ever going to be okay again.
“We’re going to stay close by, this time,” Maya said. Her voice was soft and comforting. “In case you need us.”
Kai exhaled and hoped that they didn’t recognise it as what it was—a sigh of relief. He nodded his head. “Okay,” was all he said. He felt uncomfortable looking them in the eyes, so he kept his gaze downcast.
“We think you should all take some time off,” his father said, stepping forward slightly. “Take time to process everything. You deserve a break.” His mother nodded in agreement.
Kai sighed. “Okay,” he said again, trying his best not to sound frustrated, but there was tension in his shoulders. He loved his parents, and he knew that they weren’t doing anything wrong right now. They were probably handling this comforting grieving child thing great. But Kai just needed to be alone now. Even if someone had said the best thing anyone could possibly say to him at that moment, he wasn’t really interested. He wanted to be alone.
Maya wrapped an arm around him in an embrace and Ray patted him on the shoulder, and then they were gone.
Wu didn’t say anything as he passed the ninja on his way inside. He gave no commands, no instructions, no words of wisdom, and no comforting messages. He didn’t feel at liberty to say anything to any of them at that moment, not because he didn’t care, but because he knew that they didn’t want or need a lecture, and he wasn’t going to give them one. But he did turn in their direction, sympathy filling his eyes, and gave a single comforting nod. He then trudged his way up the stairs and inside, leaving the six of them to ponder what each of their next moves would be.
They were all staying in one place, but they were all going to move in completely different directions. What that would be, none of them knew yet. Grief is uncertain. You never know how it’s going to play out. There is no right way, or wrong way. There is no time limit. But uncertainty can be terrifying, as it most definitely was for all of them. And at that moment, all any of them wanted to do was stay completely still, and to not proceed with the inevitable grieving process. Because everything was going to get much worse.
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Kai had retreated to his room without another word, and that was the last they saw of him for the next several hours. Lloyd went to spend some time with his uncle. He wasn’t really looking to talk, but maybe some tea and meditation would help clear his mind. Pixal went down to the workshop. She wanted to keep busy. That just left Jay, Cole, and Zane.
Zane whipped up something simple for dinner. Jay barely had the energy to decipher what it was, even while he was eating it. It was food. He needed food to survive. That was really all he could process. The three of them didn’t talk—or, if Zane or Cole had said something, Jay had no idea.
His daze suddenly broke as he found himself standing in front of the kitchen sink, an empty plate in his hands. He blinked and turned his head to Cole, who was looking at him curiously.
“You, uh…need a hand with that or something?” Cole said with a slight smirk.
Jay looked back down at his plate and shook his head. He reached forward and turned the water on. The plate barely had anything on it, and it was clean within seconds, but for some reason Jay couldn't find it in himself to turn the water off. There was almost something comforting about the sound of the water, like white noise almost, but it was something more than that. He just didn’t know what that was.
“I think it’s clean,” Cole said in a hushed voice after it had been about thirty seconds.
But Jay didn’t move. And he barely comprehended whatever Cole had just said.
“…What…happened to her?” he found himself asking. The water had been placed to a hot setting, and hadn’t been all that hot when Jay had first turned it on, but it was getting warmer by the second. But Jay didn’t notice the steam that was beginning to rise from the sink, or the burning in his fingers as they slowly started turning red. “I just…I don’t understand.”
Cole didn’t answer at first, but he noticed the extreme temperature of the water and reached forward to turn it off, but Jay, catching this, quickly started pretending to still be washing the plate, and secretly guarded the faucet handle. Cole sighed, and didn’t turn the water off, but he at least had to change the temperature settings real quick so Jay wouldn’t continue to burn his hands, as he didn’t seem to notice it was even happening.
As he did this he said, “Bentho said she turned into the ocean.”
“He said she fused with her element,” Jay corrected. “And…her element is water.”
‘Was that what he said?’ Cole thought he could see where Jay was going with this. He shrugged and shook his head. “I have no idea, Jay. I have no idea what any of it means, so I wouldn’t be asking myself these questions. Anything I say I couldn’t possibly be sure of.”
Jay’s eyes drooped slightly. His hands had stopped moving, and now he was just letting the water hit the plate. While he seemed to be distracted, Cole quickly reached over and turned the faucet off, and the water stopped. Jay’s eyes widened slightly, and although he was now slightly annoyed, he didn’t turn it back on. He just placed the plate down in the sink, although it was so clean at this point it could probably just go back in the cabinet.
Jay’s ears missed the sound of the water, but the small sound of water droplets dripping down into the sink wasn’t that bad.
“I just wanna know,” he whispered. His eyes followed each drop of water as it fell from the faucet. “I wanna know where she is. I wanna know if she’s okay.”
‘He doesn’t sound anything like himself,’ Cole thought as he started studying the tone of Jay’s voice. It was deeper, and hollow. He sounded like a complete stranger.
Cole placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I’m sure that wherever she is she’s okay.”
For the first time that entire day, Jay finally turned and looked Cole in the eye, though his demeanor was still off…and slightly unsettling. Cole had rarely ever seen Jay like this. So still…so quiet. Like he was just existing now. It made Cole’s heart ache.
“I thought you said you couldn’t be sure of anything,” Jay mumbled.
Cole sighed and rolled his eyes. “You can’t read into every little thing I say, Jay. You’ll drive yourself crazy,” he joked. It didn’t seem to land, though. Jay still wore that same emotionless look.
Cole knew it was probably pointless to try and get him acting like how he normally was…how he used to be. He knew it wasn’t unnatural—and grief took countless forms. Anyone else he would’ve just left them alone. But this was Jay for crying out loud. His best friend. To see him like this just felt so…wrong. Jay was energetic, and chatty, and restless, and emotional. And now…he was none of those things. It was like Nya had taken all of that with her when she left, and now he had nothing.
‘Be reasonable, Cole, stop being selfish. He just lost the love of his life for god’s sake. Of course he’s gonna be upset.’
Although, this didn’t entirely feel like…upset. It felt much more complex than that. Cole had been trying to refrain from using the word broken, but the look on Jay’s face was practically the dictionary definition of broken.
‘Fuck, I’m gonna mess this up somehow, aren’t I?’
Cole shook himself out of his thoughts. “You know, I think we should probably get some sleep,” he said as he glanced out the window. It was completely dark outside now. Jay didn’t seem to have any reaction to Cole’s words. His expression was still completely unreadable, and he hadn’t given any sign that he had even heard him. So Cole continued. “We’re all probably exhausted. I know I am. But we can keep talking about this in the morning, if you want.” He slowed himself down, and placed both his hands on Jay’s shoulders, who seemed to notice that at least, giving a small side glance to one of Cole’s hands. “You know I’m always here to talk to you, Jay,” Cole said softly. “You’re not going through this alone. We’re all in this together, I promise. You don’t need to be afraid to say what you’re thinking or feeling.”
Jay didn’t respond to this either, and he didn’t meet Cole’s eyes. His gaze didn’t seem to be focused on anything, really.
Okay, so words didn’t seem to be doing much. Cole sighed, and pulled him into a hug instead. That at least seemed to get through to him a little, as after around five seconds, Jay slowly lifted his arms and wrapped them around Cole as well. Cole smiled slightly behind Jay’s back. He knew he gave the best hugs. He prided himself in that. And he would be there to hug Jay whenever he needed him to. Any of the others, too. If they needed him, he was going to be there. He made that promise to himself.
____________________
Lloyd blew on the tea that Wu had offered him, watching as steam rose into the air, and mixed with the smoke from the incense sticks that lay in between him and his uncle. It was hot off the kettle, and warmed his hands. He was glad Wu hadn’t really said anything since he slid open the doors to the meditation room he found him in, and just let him sit with him and offered him tea. He was glad he didn’t have to explain why he was here, or explain what he wanted. He didn’t really want anything. He just needed to think in a place that didn’t risk his thoughts spiraling out of control.
Lloyd felt disappointed in himself. He felt like he failed as a leader, and failed to protect his team. He wasn’t sure how he was going to keep them all from falling apart when they didn’t even have all the pieces of their family anymore. They’d never be whole again. Not without her. And he didn’t even want to start to think about how that would affect them as a team. Because despite the devastating loss of one of their own, they were still the ninja who protected the city from evil. And that wasn’t a job they could just quit.
‘Ninja never quit.’
He wanted to burn those words from his mind.
What had once brought him a feeling of empowerment and hope, now just made him sick to his stomach.
His thoughts began to drift to a time long ago. When they had lost Zane during their fight with the Digital Overlord. He remembered how he felt then. How those words still meant something to him, even though they had lost a member of their team. He couldn’t understand how he could’ve felt that way then. How he could continue to have hope. Maybe it was because he was young and naive. Maybe because he was much closer with everyone now than he was then. Maybe after everything he had been through since then, his perspective had changed. Because he knew he sure as hell didn’t have hope now.
Lloyd blinked and refocused his attention on his tea. The steam had settled enough for him to take a sip. A warmth instantly filled his body. It was calming, and enough to get him to stop his thinking for a moment.
“There is something I’ve been pondering,” Wu finally said, breaking the silence.
Lloyd looked up slightly. “What is it?” he said as he took another sip.
Wu traced his finger around the rim of his teacup, trying to decide his next words carefully. “I have been pondering…about whether there is a possible solution for what has happened.”
Lloyd’s brain seemed to short circuit for a moment. “A solution?” How could there possibly be a solution for this? For grief? Grief doesn’t have a solution. Maybe time, but they were going to need a lot of that since it had still only been about two days since they lost Nya.
Wu nodded. “Death is the only thing that lasts forever.” Lloyd didn’t say anything as he remembered how Cole came back from being a ghost. And how Zane rebuilt himself. And how his father literally rose from the dead. Still, he didn’t say anything. “I have to believe there is a way to get Nya back.”
Lloyd nearly choked on his tea, and coughed a few times to clear his throat. “What?” he said in a hoarse voice. “But…Bentho said she could never come back from what she did.”
Wu nodded. “Yes, and I have discussed this with him. Benthomaar claims that all the stories depicting Wojira and Nyad states that Nyad could never come back from her transformation, but I asked him if there was any particular reason as to why Nyad didn’t transform back, and if there had ever been any attempt to try. His words were that those details to the stories had been relatively vague. This gives me hope.”
“…How would that give you hope, exactly?”
“Because perhaps they did not try everything. Perhaps there is a way to undo the transformation, and they just hadn’t found it, or perhaps never even searched for it. The stories do not tell us.”
Lloyd tried his best to follow along, but it was difficult. He had a few seconds of silence to piece everything together before he spoke again.
“Master…I’m not so sure about this.”
“Not sure about this? Do you not think it prudent to at least try? Even if there is no solution, we’d never know if we did not at least try to find answers.”
“I know,” Lloyd sighed. “I want Nya back as much as anybody. But this is hitting all of us really hard…and I don’t know if we’re up for a mission that has a low probability of success, and could leave us feeling more hopeless than before.”
“Hmm.” Wu stroked his beard as he carefully considered Lloyd’s words for the next moment. “I see,” he finally said. “With the current state of things, and the uncertainty of success, the six of you are still processing a great loss that could not only jeopardize any sort of mission you attempt at this current time, but also interfere with your healing.”
Lloyd felt a wave of relief that Wu was able to understand. Still, there was a part of him that did agree. That if there were answers out there, they couldn’t just not try to find them. But that was still unknown. Maybe if they had been given a definite answer that, yes, there was a way to save Nya, they would have more hope and be a bit more confident in going on a mission. But…Wu did seem to be grasping at straws. And that didn’t make Lloyd very confident.
“However,” Wu broke the silence again, “I do feel it necessary to at least do something. I can not in good conscience leave this unanswered. …But I do feel it best not to involve you or the others if that is what you wish.”
“So…what are you going to do?”
“I am not sure yet.” Wu took a moment of silence before speaking again. “I need to meditate on it.”
Though he didn’t say so, Lloyd took this to mean that he now wished for some time alone. And he was fine with that. He wanted some alone time now, too. Plus he could feel his eyelids growing heavier by the minute. He hadn’t slept the night before. He wasn’t sure any of them had. But his body yearned for it now. He drank the last of his tea before getting up to leave.
Just as he slid open the door, he heard Wu’s voice. “Thank you, Lloyd,” he said, “for the company.” Lloyd turned around and gave a small smile. Wu continued. “I hope you do not think it foolish or insensitive of me that I have been hesitant to try and help the six of you through this difficult time. But I know grief is a long and complicated process, and I know you will all experience it differently. It pains me to see the state you are all in right now, but I have always had a fear that my involvement with it would only make things worse. I know I am much older, and much wiser than all of you, and I fear you will not benefit from any advice or comfort I attempt to offer, at no fault of yours.”
Lloyd considered all of this, and then stepped forward slightly, taking his hand off the door. “You know, Master, I think one of the best things you can do for someone dealing with this sort of thing is just to listen, and try to understand and sympathize. We’re not always going to want some quick-solve solution for what we’re going through. Sometimes we just want to hear you tell us that our feelings are valid, and that we have the time to feel it.”
Wu stared up at him for a moment, and then nodded his head. “I believe I understand.” At this Wu slowly started to get to his feet. “I will try to get you that time. It is unfair to put the weight of the world on the shoulders of six grieving children. You deserve to have time to feel what you need to, without worrying if you should be doing something more important. I do believe this, right now, is the most important thing for the six of you to be worrying about. And I should not have been trying to pull you out of it so soon. For that, I apologize.”
Lloyd tried to find the right words to respond, but it had all seemed to dry up, or flood away. Wu had not only proven that he was capable of listening and understanding their pain, but he had also helped ease Lloyd’s mind with one of the most worrying problems he’d been thinking about—the fate of the city. He didn’t know what Wu was planning on doing to help with that, but he didn’t really care. He said it all perfectly. They had time, now.
Lloyd nodded his head, but not too much so the tears wouldn’t fall from his eyes, but they were getting dangerously close to overflowing. “Th-thank you, Uncle. That would really mean a lot to us.” He cleared his throat and gave a small sniff. He quickly used the back of his sleeve to rub some of the tears away. He wasn’t very subtle, though. He imagined he probably looked a mess right now.
Wu took a few steps forward, and then offered out his arms, a simple gesture that shattered all of Lloyd’s will. He fell into his uncle’s arms, uncontrollable sobs escaping from his lips. His tears dampened Wu’s robes as he held him close. Neither of them said nothing, although if Lloyd attempted to speak, it would most likely come out as nonsensical mumbles and sudden gasps for air. He wasn’t really sure why he was crying. Well, he did, but it still just sort of happened. Maybe it had all built up, and now he couldn’t keep himself together anymore. Maybe Wu’s gesture helped. He didn’t have to keep up the act of The Fearless Green Ninja, at least not for a little while. Wu’s gift was going to allow them to be what they were for a bit—kids.
____________________
The workshop was so quiet. It was usually never this quiet. Pixal did spend a few nights down here alone, but normally someone else would always be there with her, whether it be Zane, or Jay…or Nya.
Pixal sighed to herself, taking a moment away from the vehicle she was repairing. She had been trying not to focus too hard on what had happened, but it was easier being distracted when there was someone else around. And knowing that she was alone, just deepened the knowledge that there was one presence she would most likely never find herself with again. Because she could have been down here too, on a night like tonight. She could have been here, working with her, talking with her, laughing with her…but she wasn’t.
Nya was gone.
Pixal replayed that last memory of her in her head. The setting sunlight reflected off the glassy ripples of water that was now…her. She remembered her eyes. Those deep, mystical eyes. And she had been calm. She had been at peace. But it didn’t seem right. How could she be so okay with leaving them? It didn’t make any sense. Her friends—her family. Did she not realize how much this would affect them—how badly this would hurt them? Kai was trying to reason with her, his voice shaking with fear. Jay was pleading for her to stay, tears streaming down his face. And then she just…walked right through him. He reached for her hand but there was nothing to grab. ‘No…don’t leave me!’
Pixal banished the memory to another part of her mind. She couldn’t look at it anymore. She didn’t understand why it was so hard to see her like that. Why even just the memory was painful. Why did it make her want to look away?
‘It must be another one of those human things,’ she told herself.
She was surprised how, even now, she was still finding all these different emotional responses a little strange and difficult to understand. She had experienced grief before, of course. She had lost Zane once too, but the memory of his loss then did not haunt her like it would a human. At that time, her emotional response settings were still not as developed as they were now. She felt the loss, but she was still able to see the logistics of it. After she had been given a new body, her emotional responses had, with time, started to develop with new and interesting feelings that sometimes made no sense. To be angry when you should be sad. To be sad when you should be happy. And to find difficult situations something you wish to ignore entirely. Why did it all have to feel so complicated?
She also felt something else: fear. Fear that something like that would happen again—though it felt completely irrational to be afraid one of them would also merge with their element. But she felt fear that something would happen. Something bad. Maybe even something she could have prevented—
‘Oh…no’
A spiraling and intrusive thought entered her mind. One that would have made her sick to her stomach, if she had one.
Her eyes drifted to one of the vehicles in the workshop. One of the subs they had used when Wojira had flooded the city. Jay’s sub. The sub that she had built. The sub that had not only failed to reactivate when damaged, but had also trapped him inside, causing him to almost drown. The sub that resulted in him inhaling a very damaging amount of sea water into his lungs, that was suffocating him from the inside. The sub that caused him to almost die.
And Nya had turned into the ocean because he almost…
‘No, no. No, don’t think like that. It wasn’t your fault. It cannot have been your fault.’
But such a stupid, silly, simple design flaw. One she should not have overlooked in the first place. Maybe things could have turned out differently if Jay had been able to escape before the sub had completely flooded. Or, maybe, if the sub had been a bit stronger, then maybe water would have never found its way into the sub in the first place. Maybe if she had created a stronger signal for Jay to be able to alert the others for help, he could have been saved in time. And Nya would not have had to do something so drastic to save him.
‘But his almost dying wasn’t the only reason she did what she did,’ Pixal tried to reason with herself. ‘She did it to save everyone, not just him.’
Although, they had been running out of time. Jay may have only had an hour or so left before they lost him. Maybe if they had not been so rushed, they could have come up with another solution to defeat Wojira and Kalmaar.
‘Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe…’
So many alternate possibilities. So many ways this could have been prevented.
“Pixal?”
Pixal jumped slightly at the sound of her own name. It was another one of those human responses she didn’t understand. But she quickly turned her head to see Zane standing a few feet away from her.
“Are you alright?” he asked, a sincere expression on his face. “You have been staring at that sub for a considerable amount of time now.” He nodded his head in the direction of Jay’s sub.
Pixal turned her head from the sub to Zane, trying to find the right words to explain her mental dilemma.
“I was just…thinking,” she admitted. “About what had happened.” She suddenly did not wish to look him in the eye, a deep feeling of guilt and shame washing over her. She had already tied those two emotions as ones that made her feel small and defeated. She hated those feelings.
Zane nodded his head. “It is a horrible tragedy," he said softly.
“But it is so much more than that.” Pixal’s voice rose in volume. “It did not have to happen. We could have done something to prevent it.”
Zane seemed to consider this for a moment. “At this time I can not think of any alternate possibilities. We had no way to stop the flooding of the city. We had no way to save Jay. We had no way to stop Wojira. And we were running out of time. Right before Nya’s transformation, Jay’s heartbeat had dropped down to one beat every two seconds, and it was continuously delaying. He was suffocating. He would not have survived the next thirty minutes. Our options were very limited.”
“But before that, I mean,” Pixal explained. “We could have prevented what happened to him. I could have prevented what happened to him. And then that could have prevented what happened to Nya.” She glanced back at the sub. “It was my fault he got trapped. The sub had sealed itself shut, and he was not able to escape.”
Zane shook his head. “Jay’s sub had been damaged. It was not damaged to begin with. It was not your fault it got stuck.”
“But I should have taken better precautions. I should have better considered the possibility of the sub getting damaged in a fight. I should have made reinforcements. I should have—”
Zane put his hand up to silence her. And even though she had more to say, she didn’t know if she had the energy to do so anymore.
Zane moved towards her, and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She appreciated the gesture and placed her hand on his.
“At times like these,” he said slowly and softly, “those in grief tend to find ways to blame themselves for what has happened, even if there was very little they could have done to change the outcome. It is a form of not being able to fully accept what has happened. To want to find a way to fix it, even if it has already come to pass. It combines two of the five stages of grief—denial, and bargaining.” Zane used his thumb to wipe away an artificial tear from Pixal’s cheek. “It is very unhealthy to blame yourself, especially if you do not deserve it. And I am sure you are not alone in feeling this way. I can imagine that both Jay and Lloyd will be blaming themselves quite harshly for this as well. Perhaps more.”
“But that does not make any sense,” Pixal said, both to him and herself. “They have no reason to blame themselves. Jay did not wish to drown. And Lloyd could not have possibly expected to have come up with an alternate plan in time. You said it yourself, there was little else we could have done. To blame themselves is completely illogical.”
Zane paused for a moment, and then gave a small smile that was bordering on smugness. “And what makes you blaming yourself any more logical than that?”
Pixal then realized the trap he had set up for her. And she had fallen right into it. She had to admit, it was quite clever, as Zane always was. Although, even if it had been a trick to get her to admit that blaming herself was completely unnecessary, she knew he was right about Jay and Lloyd, and that it would not be as easy to get them to realize how unnecessary it was to blame themselves, as it was for her to realize it.
“…None of us are to blame,” she admitted, and Zane nodded. “What happened was not our fault…but I still find the circumstances very difficult to accept.”
“As do I,” Zane said softly. “I have found it rather difficult to continue with everyday tasks, all the while being constantly reminded of Nya’s absence. It has taken a great toll on me. I feared my emotions would disrupt how I handle day-to-day activities. Though I find it to have been a bit of a regrettable decision, I have also found it necessary that I have turned my emotion meter down by 50%.”
“…Oh, Zane.”
“It is only temporary. I would like to wait for my initial response to settle into one of better acceptance and mentality, before I return my emotions to their proper setting.”
Pixal lightly shook her head. “That does not sound much healthier than blaming oneself. I think it is unwise to not allow yourself to feel anything during this difficult time.”
“That is why I only turned it down 50%. I still feel a great sadness about Nya’s departure, but I worry it would have been much more difficult to function if I were feeling everything. I did this to stabilize myself, not to numb myself.”
Pixal looked at him carefully. What he said made sense in a logistical sense, but not in the natural human response sense. She didn’t want him to just ignore everything he was feeling…although he did say he wasn’t ignoring everything he was feeling. That was better…right?
“I just…want you to take care of yourself,” she said in a small voice.
“And I you. But I promise, I have thought this through.”
Zane took one of Pixal’s hands and kissed it gently. She smiled warmly at him. She trusted him. If he said he had it handled, then he had it handled. She just hoped this wasn’t one of the rare instances that he was mistaken.
____________________
It was the middle of the night, and most everyone was in bed by now. Kai had been finding it difficult to fall asleep, but he managed to get some shut eye up until around 3 am when he accidentally jolted himself awake. He sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. He didn’t know why he had woken up so suddenly. Was he having a nightmare? If he was, he didn’t remember it. Maybe that was a good thing.
Now that he was awake he realized he needed to use the restroom. He got up and made his way through the hall silently so as to not wake anyone else up. He knew that for the past two days since Nya left, they had all been finding it difficult to sleep. If they were asleep now, he didn’t want to wake them up. Though, for some reason, while he made his way through the hall, he didn’t feel entirely alone. He wasn’t sure why. But he didn’t pay much mind to it. He was still groggy and just wanted to get back to his room as soon as possible.
When he exited the restroom he gave a sleepy yawn and rubbed his slightly damp hands through his messy hair, which made him even more tired. He was about to turn to walk back towards his room, when he started to feel that feeling that had been there before, that there was someone else with him. His mind was foggy and his body felt weak with exhaustion, but that exhaustion caused a slight paranoia in him. He tried to alert himself, which was difficult, but he wanted to be able to protect himself if he had to.
He quickly realized, however, that he didn’t have to.
Kai turned his body to the right, and that’s when he saw him. Jay was sitting with his back and head against the wall a little ways away, his legs sprawled out in front of him, and his arms hanging loosely at his sides. His mouth was parted slightly. He looked kind of like a rag-doll. In the darkness he was a bit difficult to make out, but Kai could tell it was him. Kai could also tell that Jay hadn’t seemed to notice he was there, too. He had a blank look on his face and he stared forward at nothing. It kind of made Kai wonder if he was sleeping with his eyes open. But the occasional slow blinks told him otherwise. Still, the expression on his face was a little unsettling.
Kai leaned his back against the opposite wall that Jay was sitting against, his arms folded against his chest. He took a few more seconds of examining Jay’s strange demeanor before he made himself known.
“Hey,” he said in a voice a little louder than a whisper.
Jay’s reaction was delayed. Noticeably so. Like Kai’s voice hadn’t reached him until about five seconds later. When it did finally seem to reach him, Jay’s eyes slowly shifted in Kai’s direction, though other than that, little changed about the way he presented himself. It was like he couldn’t move even if he wanted to.
Kai tried to think of something else to say to him. “You, uh…you okay?” ‘That’s a terrible question, Kai. Who the hell is okay around here anymore?’ He shook his head and ignored himself.
Jay’s eyes shifted slightly, as if he was studying Kai’s presence. His head moved to the left a bit, so he was more directly looking at him, but it still had to lean against the wall for balance, it seemed.
Jay blinked. “I…” His voice was deep and raspy, something it normally never was. “…I don’t…remember why I came out here,” he admitted in a mumble. His speech didn’t seem very steady. His words were slurred and drawn out.
“You don’t?” Kai asked curiously.
Jay’s head fell forward just a bit, like he was leaning in, his eyes still wide and locked on Kai, and he slowly shook his head.
Kai nodded and then decided to move closer. He stood in front of where Jay sat and slid down against the opposite wall, until he was sitting in front of him. Jay seemed to take a bit of time to move his head back in the front facing position it was in before so he could continue to look at Kai.
“How long have you been out here?” Kai asked.
Jay’s response was delayed again, but he eventually shrugged his shoulders. Then, to further increase Kai’s unsettlement, a grin slowly started to creep onto Jay’s face, though not much else changed about his expression.
Jay let out a light chuckle. “These are…” His words were slurred again, and he seemed to be having trouble figuring out what he was trying to say. “…These are things that I…I should probably know, huh?” He breathed out a small giggle. The combined laughter and blank stare caused a slight shiver to run down Kai’s spine.
But he still gave a weak smile in response. “Probably,” he said in a soft voice.
Jay’s laughter slowed, and his smile slowly started to deflate. He blinked his eyes a few times and dropped his gaze. His head wobbled a bit like it was having trouble keeping balance. Probably exhaustion, Kai thought.
“Have you gotten much sleep?” he asked.
He then watched as Jay’s eyes shifted back and forth, like he was debating on what he was supposed to say to this. “Mmh…bit,” he finally said in a voice so quiet Kai had to strain his ears to hear. Jay then started to slowly shake his head, seemingly more to himself than Kai. “Didn’t like it,” he mumbled.
Kai raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”
Jay shut his eyes tight and started shaking his head again, as if he didn’t want Kai to ask that.
But he sighed, knowing that even if Jay didn’t like it, he still needed to sleep. “Did you have a nightmare or something?” Kai asked.
Jay rolled his head around his neck and took a deep breath. He brought his hands up to his face and rubbed at his eyes. “Mmh…dunno…I don’t…I don’t wanna…” He shook his head to himself and covered his face with his hands, his fingers latching onto a few of his messy curls.
Kai wasn’t sure if even Jay understood what he was saying. All his words jumbled together until they were basically nonsensical.
‘First Master, he needs sleep,’ Kai thought to himself.
“Jay, I can help you fall asleep if you wan—”
“NO!”
Kai winced at Jay’s sudden increase in volume, and prayed that it hadn’t woken any of the others. He looked back, and saw that Jay now had a panicked expression on his face, his eyes wide and staring down at the floor. His hands were in fists and his arms hugged his chest so tight he looked like he might be trying to suffocate himself. There was tension in his entire body, and his legs came up to him, making him appear smaller.
Kai gave a sigh. “Jay—”
Jay shut his eyes and shook his head, his hands coming up to cover his ears and block out Kai’s voice.
Kai gave a frustrated groan. “Jay, you know the reason you’re feeling like this is because you’re sleep deprived, right?”
Jay buried his head into his knees. “Don’t care!” he said in a muffled voice.
“Look, even if you try to stay up forever, you’re going to end up falling asleep eventually.”
Jay didn’t say anything to this, and he didn’t move either, not even to shake his head. But he did hear this. And he knew Kai was right, even though he didn’t want him to be. And he was exhausted. He had to open his eyes because he could feel himself drifting off at that very moment. And it was dark in his knees. He shifted his head so he could look to the side. But it was dark everywhere. And it was getting darker…and his eyelids were getting heavier…
‘No! No, no, no, no, no.’ Jay shook his head, this time not at Kai, but to keep himself from falling asleep. He couldn’t go back there. He couldn’t feel that again. Not again. Not again.
He needed to breathe, just to remind himself he still could. He focused on the air moving in and out of his lungs. He wasn’t drowning. He wasn’t suffocating. He could breathe. He was okay. It was hard to remember that sometimes, though…especially when he was asleep.
Maybe that was why he was out here. He remembered waking up in the night, shooting out of bed and covered in sweat. He’d grabbed onto his chest. His heart had been beating faster than he could keep up with. His breaths came out as deep gasps and weezes. But he could breathe. The air could get into his lungs. But when he was asleep, it felt like it couldn’t. It was like he was back there…laying on that couch, everyone surrounding him, them not being able to do anything, so just waiting for him to die. And he wanted to die. He wanted the pain to end. He wanted it all to end. And he was almost there. He could feel it. But then the worst thing that could have possibly happened, happened. Nya had sacrificed herself…to save him. She took his pain away, only to give him a new kind. A worse kind. A kind that made him wish more than anything that he was only dreaming, and still waiting to die on that couch.
‘Why couldn’t I have just died?’
He couldn’t go back there. Though it took every last ounce of his energy, he clumsily made his way up to his feet, stumbling forward slightly and quickly leaning back against the wall to keep himself standing. His knees wobbled, but he didn’t let himself fall back down. He was so focused on keeping himself up that he didn’t even notice that Kai had gotten to his feet as well. He made his way over to him and offered out a hand.
But Jay knew what he was trying to do. And he wasn’t going to let him take him back. He gave a quick glare and turned to walk away, though stumbling over his feet slightly, he kept a hand against the wall and tried to find his way to the kitchen.
‘Is Kai still there?’ he wondered. Whatever. It didn’t matter. He could do whatever he wanted, just as long as he didn’t try to get him to fall asleep again.
Jay reached around for the light switch, and the kitchen was illuminated, burning his eyes as the lights came on. He shielded himself with his arm for a few seconds before he tried to squint through the brightness and find what he was looking for. His eyes took longer than expected to adjust, and it was giving him a headache. But he tried to ignore it. Maybe the pain would keep him awake.
With the lights on, Jay now realized how blurry his vision was, even after his eyes started to adjust. But even so, he eventually spotted the coffee machine, and stumbled his way across the kitchen until he found the counter it sat at.
In the background he suddenly heard Kai’s voice.
“Oh, no no no no no, Jay, don’t you dare.”
Jay felt a hand on his shoulder attempting to drag him back. He groaned in frustration and tried to pull away.
“Kai, please!” he whined. He couldn’t make out exactly where Kai was, but he could make out those three reddish figures that stood in front of him. “I don’t wanna go back. I don’t wanna feel that again.”
“Feel what, Jay?”
“Like I’m dying!” Jay said through his teeth. “I already feel the worst kind of pain, I don’t wanna feel the second worst too! It’s too much, Kai, it’s too much!”
He blinked his eyes a couple of times, trying to make his vision clearer. It wasn’t really working. And he’d been so busy trying to see clearly, he hadn’t even noticed he was falling until he felt himself land in Kai’s arms. How close had he been to hitting the ground? His knees were bent at a 95 degree angle, so that kind of gave him an answer.
Kai lowered him all the way to the ground, and kept his hands steady on his shoulders. Jay appreciated that. He definitely would have fallen forward if he hadn’t.
He heard Kai give a sigh. “You’re a really stubborn creature, Bluejay, I’ll give you that much.”
Jay gave a glare to one of the blurry red figures.
“But,” Kai continued, “I think you’re just as anxious as you are stubborn. …And that’s a pretty shitty combo if you ask me.”
Jay grumbled slightly and tried to steady his head.
“You do know you’re about to fall asleep, right?” Kai asked. “Like, you’re not that oblivious.”
He wasn’t. But he did like to deny it. It was kind of easy to believe in the lies he told himself when he was this tired. But it was also kind of hard to believe in the lies because he was this tired, and the lie was, I’m not gonna fall asleep.
Kai sighed again. “Could you just…talk to me, until then? Tell me what’s bothering you?”
Jay rolled his eyes—or tried to. Moving his eyes took a lot of energy as well. But…he did kind of want to talk about it. He didn’t think he was going to sound very coherent, but, still. He took a deep breath. He didn’t feel all there anymore—of course he never really did. But still he tried to speak.
“I just…when I close my eyes I…I feel like I’m back there again.”
“Back where?”
“Mmh, at the…at the—the place. The place I was…when I couldn’t…when I was gonna…” Jay shook his head slightly, trying to figure out what he was trying to say. “I was…gonna die.”
Kai gave a concerned look, his hands still keeping Jay steady and upright. He positioned himself so that Jay was able to look at him. “You mean when you had all that water in your lungs?”
Jay hesitated, but then nodded slowly. “Feels like I’m there again. And I can’t breathe. And it was…it…it hurts.”
Kai looked at him for a long moment, and then let out a deep sigh, shaking his head to himself.
‘Shit.’
“Jay, that…that really sucks. I’m sorry.”
Jay didn’t say anything, but made a small noise of acknowledgment that Kai had said something. His eyes were half closed now, and he didn’t have the strength to open them again. But that didn’t stop his anxiety. That he might not be able to breathe again. That he was going to suffocate. That he was going to drown. That he was going to die.
He was more asleep than he was awake, but he could feel something being wrapped around him. It felt like arms. Kai’s? Had to be. That was nice. He liked being held. And he liked having something to hold as well. It was this thing he had ever since he was a kid, that he would rarely ever sleep well if he wasn’t holding something in his arms. That’s why he still slept with a stuffed animal, even though he was seventeen. But he hadn’t slept with a stuffed animal in a bit of a long time. Ever since Nya moved into his room. Because then he didn’t need a stuffed animal anymore. He had her.
And now he didn’t.
Kai wasn’t Nya, but he had gotten so used to sleeping against another person that in his unconscious state he couldn’t really see the difference. Just to feel someone else’s chest rising and falling with their breathing as well as his own. To listen to a heartbeat. To feel someone wrap their arms around him. To hold him. To make him feel okay.
He wanted to feel okay. He wanted to feel okay. But he didn’t feel okay.
Still…this was enough…for now, at least. But he didn’t feel okay.
He wasn’t okay.
He was asleep though, Kai realized. Thank the First Master. And he seemed to be breathing without any difficulty. Kai was kind of afraid to move, though. He did not want him to wake up again. Although, how likely was that, really? He had basically passed out. This was probably the first he had really slept since…well, since he was on that couch. And that wasn’t exactly sleep.
Kai concluded that Jay probably wasn’t going to wake up any time soon. He might even sleep all day tomorrow. He hoped he would. But not here on the kitchen floor. He carefully positioned Jay so that Kai could easily carry him. He was lucky Jay weighed next to nothing. That was going to make this a lot easier.
On a side note, Jay should probably try eating a bit more.
‘Yeah we’re gonna try and think about self improvements right after the loss of my sister and his girlfriend.’ Kai rolled his eyes at himself.
Kai steadily got to his feet, Jay’s head leaning against his chest as he carefully carried him in his arms. He looked down at him once he was fully standing. Yep, still fast asleep.
Kai made his way through the hall, all the while realizing that he had spent so much time worrying about Jay going to sleep, that he had forgotten just how tired he was. It was okay, though. He’d put Jay to bed, and then he’d go back to sleep, as well.
Jay’s bedroom door was already ajar when he found it. He pushed it open, wincing at the small creak it made, and then tip-toed his way through the doorway. Jay’s bed was to the left, a window just above it, and two side tables at each end. Jay didn’t have one blanket—he had several, and just liked to pick and choose which he would sleep with. Kai caught a glimpse of his stuffed animal, which looked to have fallen to the floor.
Once Kai carefully placed Jay down, he reached for the stuffed animal and placed it back on the bed. Jay’s arms instinctively seemed to wrap around it. Kai knew about his whole, need to hold something while asleep, thing. Nya had told him about it once. He had said that was silly. Then Nya had said that it made her a bit worried sometimes. When Kai was visibly confused, she explained how some nights, when he had lost his grip around her, he would cry out in his sleep, tossing and turning and reaching out for her. After learning that, Kai didn’t find it silly anymore.
Though he never actually saw that until tonight. Kai was making his way to Jay’s door when he could hear a sort of whimpering coming from behind him. He turned around and saw that Jay wasn’t holding on to his stuffed animal as tightly as he should have. It was still in his arms, but it was like he didn’t want it, and was reaching out for something else. He was tossing and turning, his legs kicking slightly and his hands reaching up to grip at his own head. His breathing was quickening and there was a pained expression on his face, tears glistening against his cheeks.
Kai hated this. He hated everything about this. How did he ever think this was silly?
‘He wants Nya.’
Kai bit the inside of his cheek. ‘First Master, this fucking sucks.’ Jay wanted Nya, and there wasn’t anything Kai could do about that.
Or…well, he guessed there was one thing he could try. He wasn’t sure if it would be the same, though.
Jay was crying in his sleep now. He had completely disregarded the stuffed animal, and it had once again fallen to the floor. That’s probably how it ended up there before, too, Kai thought to himself. I hope this works.
Kai made his way back towards Jay’s bed. Jay was moving around a lot, but Kai managed to find a space on the bed for himself. As soon as he took a hold of Jay’s shoulders, his expression seemed to relax just a bit, though he was still visibly distressed. Kai sat up against a pillow and tried to pull Jay closer to him, until his head was laying against his stomach. Kai was shocked at how quickly Jay wrapped his arms around him. It was like he was desperate for that human interaction. He probably was. And he held onto Kai like he was his lifeline. Kai sighed and placed an arm around him, and the tension in Jay’s body started to deflate, his eyelids relaxing and his breathing, though still shaky, beginning to even out.
Kai knew what he wanted was Nya. Maybe in his mind right now that was who he was holding. It hurt him that he couldn’t give him that. That Jay had to fall asleep without her, now. Maybe that was the whole reason he had felt like he couldn’t breathe before, and why he refused to go to sleep. He needed someone to hold him. But that made Kai wonder if it was really like that all the time, and not just recently. Has he always been like this? Did he always panic in his sleep if someone wasn’t holding him? Maybe that was a question for Jay’s parents. Kai hoped that wasn’t the case. That would be a pretty difficult thing to live with.
And Kai couldn’t do this forever. But seeing how badly Jay reacted just then made it slightly tempting. Jay was his brother, after all. And he cared about him. And, come to think about it, Jay was kind of the person he cared about the most right now. He hadn’t really realized that until this moment. He probably would have laughed at himself if he ever considered that before, but things felt different now that Nya was gone. Because right now, he and Jay had the most in common with each other. They had both lost the person they cared for the most in the entire world. And they were both suffering because of it. Kai thought back to earlier that day, when everyone was making him annoyed, or frustrated, or even angry. They could be doing absolutely nothing, and he would just get so upset he wanted to scream. Even with the others. That was why he had locked himself in his room the entire evening. But he didn’t really feel that way with Jay. With him it felt much more…comfortable. Because he knew he was with someone who sort of understood what he was going through. Someone who was going through it too.
…Though he wished more than anything that they weren’t. Because this was torture.