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It’s too suffocating inside the Shinonome residence. The paint peels, stifling and yellow tinted due to dad’s stupid cigarettes. Honestly, if he didn’t know any better, Akito might’ve preferred killing himself day by day too. Though he’s grown used to the smoke assaulting his nasal cavity, it’s not like he’d actually consider it. That’d fuck up his singing, and he’d never reach his partner’s level that way.
…Toya thinks he’s so perfect, doesn’t he? Akito scoffs, though maybe that’s an intrusive thought.
Akito doesn’t realise he’s holding a pack of his dad’s coping mechanisms, or even how his legs got here. But fuck it all—it was pathetic to think he could really surpass that childish dream. What is he, a micro-celebrity?
He at least had the decency to smoke outside unlike his father. He’d be caught almost instantly if smoke wafted from anywhere other than the living room. Akito begins to rethink his choices, his fingers are trembling as he lightly takes out a single cigar.
“Fuck this, fuck singing and fuck Toya. Get this over with.” And with that, the impulsive thoughts won with an inhale.
Almost comedically, he immediately coughs upon a second of inhaling the cancerous smoke. It actually managed to snap him out of it, sort of. Akito tries again, yet he feels a vibration in his pocket that freezes him mid-motion. Please be anyone but Toya—
It’s Toya. And he’s worried. Of course he is, because he’s so damn perfect all the time… actually it’s endearing, in a sense. After a moment of hesitation, he opens his phone with the neglected cigar between his teeth so his hands are free.
toya 22:05
> Akito?
> Apologies, I know you sleep pretty early. I was hoping you weren’t too upset over today.
akito 22:08
> k
> ‘m fine though i swear
> Go to sleep dude ik your up reading those books
toya 22:08
> Firstly, it’s “you’re” not “your,” and secondly; I wish to talk to you instead.
> Is that ok?
toya 22:09
> Akito?
Shit.shitshitshitshit. What could he possibly want? Akito was about to just fill his head to the brim with drugs and forget everything. But something about his partner is just irresistible when it comes to hearing his voice or whatever dumb shit he has to say.
Next thing he knows, he’s caved. He’s returned the stolen cigarettes and he’s in his room. Calling Toya.
***
Akito is full of contradictions tonight, isn’t he? His calloused finger hovers over his screen, cracked at the edges from dropping it more times than he’d like to admit. He lets the call ring for a beat or two, then picks up.
“Oh- oh, hey.” Toya’s voice staggers over the phone. Akito can’t tell if it's bugged or he’s stuttering.
“…What’s with the sudden call? It’s not like you.”
“I had a feeling something was wrong. Like you’d try something dangerous. I just… wanted to see how you were.”
What the fuck? Is he psychic? “Uh, yeah I guess my night could’ve been better. Guess both of us aren’t acting like ourselves.” He responds.
The two awkwardly sit in silence, Akito taps his fingers on his thigh. Toya’s already got him figured out, and his night has already been shitty…
“Haah, you wanna know somethin’?”
“Mm?”
“I tried picking up smoking after our tragic excuse of a show. I failed though, it didn’t taste as good as I thought it would.” Akito sighs, “Although the texture wasn’t bad—“
“Akito! You shouldn’t be using drugs, especially at your age!”
Oh, here we go. This is the part where Toya lectures him about getting into trouble and hurting himself and… he pretends to ignore it, but something wicked inside him likes it when Toya rambles. When he cares, when he’s passionate. It’s so dumb to get him to talk like this, but Akito loves it.
“Yeah, yeah, I get it! It’s just… y’know.” Fuck, don’t cry. You can’t let the sniffling go over the call.
“I don’t deserve to be your partner, dude. You’re way beyond me and you could do so much better.”
“Akito, I know you love singing. It hurts to see you beat yourself up like this.” Either Akito’s hallucinating or Toya’s voice softened over the call. Like he’s treating him lightly, something fragile and sensitive—fuck that!
Yet just as Akito would’ve usually lashed out at him, maybe even thrown his phone across the room, he couldn’t bring himself to. All he could do was sit there and listen to the familiar and comforting voice of a partner he doesn’t deserve.
Akito exhales, with an arm thrown over his eyes, his ears have tuned out long ago with nothing but focused on the sound of his breathing. His throat is still scratchy from coughing up smoke. Even in the absence of colour, he can see Toya in his mind as clear as day. It brings him peace just thinking how much he stupidly cares. He wonders what he thinks of him too.
The conversation comes to a pause, as Akito became unresponsive for a few minutes. Toya doesn’t particularly mind though, patiently and intently listening for any sound on the other side of the call. Akito can imagine Toya’s split, bi-coloured hair, soft beneath his fingers in contrast to his own rough touch. Akito was hesitant on touching Toya for more than a brush of the elbow or a light nudge, like he’d scar him as easily as cracking glass. His touch was like sandpaper compared to his untainted, porcelain-like skin. It’s pathetic how much he can recall from just closing his eyes.
Toya’s expression, stoic and unchanging, save for a slight furrow of the brow or a shift in gaze. Only Akito could really read him. He would like Toya to be a bit more lively; but Akito is a selfish boy. Deep down, he thrills at the thought of being the only one to read him. To understand him wholeheartedly. Him and only him. He wonders if Toya needs him just as much, if he’s just as greedy as he is. He doubts it, because Toya’s perfect.
“Akito? Did you fall asleep?” His voice is enough to snap him out of his current trance.
“Oh, sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have stolen my old man’s cigarettes…” He comes up with a lame excuse.
“If you’re tired, you can hang up. I’ll probably sleep a little later.”
“Hold on a second, Toya. I just…” A beat. Toya allows him room to speak with an offer of comfortable silence.
“…Thanks, dude. You kinda saved my life if it weren’t for your text.” Akito can’t see it, but he hopes Toya is smiling on the other side of that screen.
“Stay on call, would you?” Akito adds before Toya could get a word in.
“Yeah. No problem.” A faint chuckle is heard over the phone. Akito’s heart is about to leap out of his throat from how unknowingly endearing his partner is.
It’s like the air in his room feels a bit lighter, like he can breathe. Not really, he can still taste the ash. He’ll wash his mouth out in the morning.
***
“To be honest, Akito…”
“I don’t deserve to be your partner either.”
The words fell on deaf ears.