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Your name is John Egbert and you are fucking pissed. Dave, your Dave, told you to do this. Why you’ve got to message this specific Dave at this specific time is a mystery to you, but you don’t work in the time loops either, so you did as you were told. Or at least you’re trying. You didn’t think Daves could get any more stubborn than yours.
EB: ugh!
EB: "i don't want to talk to him" he says.
EB: "we won't get along" he says.
EB: "he's too stubborn" he says.
EB: no shit!
TG: whatre you talking about
“Dave, why were you such an asshole?” you shout to the red-sleeved jerk in the corner.
He only snickers, turning back to his conversation with Rose, and you let out yet another annoyed groan and drop your head into your hands. Things have been far too quiet since the battle. There was a plan worked out to get everyone through. You never understood much, just that the ghosts were going to do most of the fighting while everyone else made a mad dash. The goal was to use them to trap Jack in the scratching session. Team Earth got through pretty much the whole game by bending the rules, so why stop at the end, right? Somehow, it worked. For the aforementioned Team Earth, at least. Team Alternia escaped with only a traumatised Karkat and his increasingly unstable juggalo. Right now you’ve all joined Team Waiting For Lord English To Show Up, but you’re pretty sure the team won’t last for long if he does.
With a drawn-out sigh, you turn back to the computer. Dave’s been messaging you the typical string of nonsense, ending with the only line that you bother to read.
TG: jesus christ did you discover weed or something today
EB: nope.
EB: i just had the longest day ever.
EB: and then three years on an empty battleship.
TG: im pretty sure you went to school today
You shoot a pointed glance at your Dave, who is happily ignoring you in his little corner. The prick didn’t even bother to tell you when this Dave was.
EB: well 4/13/09 is the day that lasts forever.
EB: i don’t know how far off you are, so maybe i did.
TG: ok well youre 3 years and 5 days off
TG: but close guess
What the actual fuck?
“Dave,” you start, only to be cut off.
“I told you to deal with him on your own,” he calls back.
EB: what's the date?
TG: yeah thats what im thinking right now
TG: its april 18th 2012
EB: what the actual fuck.
EB: this shouldn't be physically possible.
TG: do you want to explain something to me
TG: because im really fucking confused
EB: i'm not sure what's going on anymore.
EB: because that's the date here too.
You can hear the messages that he fires off in reply to that. It doesn’t take reading them to know that they’re 50% sarcastic and 50% annoyed. Again, your Dave refuses to say a word.
“Jackass,” you mutter under your breath as you ignore both of them and type out your own question.
EB: what game do you think i've been talking about?
TG: the one you keep waiting for since like your thirteenth birthday
TG: its really pathetic
TG: because youre still waiting for it
TG: i cant even remember what its called like
TG: sburb or something like that
EB: you never played it?
TG: fuck no that game was shit
You can’t argue with that, but there are facts to pay attention to.
EB: in all rights you should be dead.
TG: and why is that
EB: because any timeline that didn't start the game is supposed to be doomed.
EB: destroyed by meteors.
TG: well im perfectly alive
TG: did i not clearly state that no one is going to die because of a dumb video game
EB: but we did.
EB: it happened and it was real.
TG: john where are you im going to pin point you go to washington and take you to a hospital
EB: that's kind of the point.
TG: what do you mean
EB: i'm not in even washington.
EB: whatever alternate version of me exists might be, but i’m
EB: well, i don't know where, but that isn’t really the issue right now.
TG: its cute that youre 16 and youre still able to make up little worlds
TG: i seriously wish i could still do that
“Guys, I think something’s coming our way,” Jade pants, rushing in from the deck.
“Lord English?” Karkat asks, appearing from the next room over.
“Who else could it be?” she replies nervously.
EB: alright this is a waste of time. i’ve got more important things to take care of.
TG: oh come on i was just about to believe you
TG: well alright no i wasnt but still
EB: this is stupid and futile i’m just going to go now.
TG: wait no im having fun
TG: this is fun
EB: fun?
EB: for who?
TG: what
TG: what is wrong egbert
EB: i'm sitting here waiting to be murdered, dave.
EB: i keep telling you, i'm completely serious.
EB: it sounds ridiculous, but i'm probably going to die.
Everyone is on the move now, ready to stand up to their deaths. You abandon the desk to gather your own weapons. It’s Dave that intercepts you, pushing you back to the computer station.
“John, just keep talking to him,” he says before rushing up to the deck with the others.
“He isn’t even the right one!” you yell after him, but settle back into the chair anyway.
TG: okay assuming youre not pulling a prank
TG: which you still totally are
TG: but if you werent what would happen
EB: lord english is almost here.
TG: who is lord english
EB: we aren’t sure, all we know is that he pretty much rules the universe.
EB: this universe, anyway.
TG: john no one rules the universe
TG: you need to calm down
TG: and think for a moment
EB: dave it's like playing chess against the computer.
EB: you can't win.
TG: ive won before
TG: so thats bull
EB: i haven't.
EB: jade hasn't.
EB: i don't know if this timeline's dave has.
EB: i don't think that rose has.
EB: the trolls don't even know what chess is.
TG: egbert youre the one who taught me how to beat it
EB: i don’t remember that.
TG: you were so excited when you did
TG: it was i dunno like a year ago
EB: we were 15 years old?
TG: yeah
EB: i was 13 the last time that i had access to any of that stuff.
TG: no we clearly talked last night on the computer
EB: we didn’t, though.
TG: john we like video chat every night
EB: i keep trying to tell you, that isn’t me!
EB: those aren't my memories.
TG: then whos would they be
TG: theres only one guy
TG: with the handle of ectobiologist
EB: yeah, but there's a million different versions of him.
EB: i'm not the same john egbert that you video chat with every night.
TG: what the fuck
EB: just like you're not the dave that has been stuck on a meteor for three years.
EB: that’s what i've been trying to explain to you.
TG: thats not even physically possible
EB: it is though and that's the crazy part.
TG: john i want you
TG: to stop
TG: because something has obviously happened to you
EB: yeah, clearly.
EB: and clearly i can't get my point across to you.
EB: or even make you believe me.
EB: i don't know what my goal is at this point. when i said i should go i meant it.
TG: i uh
TG: wow
TG: so basically
TG: youre convinced that youre going to die on a meteor
TG: because of sburb
EB: battleship.
EB: we moved to the prospitian battleship.
EB: it had battle in the name, it made us feel more prepared.
TG: okay youre convinced youre going to die on a battle ship
TG: and some guys going to just come and slaughter you
EB: exactly.
TG: so then
TG: what are you guys going to do
That one catches you off guard. For a few minutes you just freeze in place and watch his worried messages pile up. He believes you. You just scared the shit out of a Dave and you made him believe you. Somehow, a laugh escapes you. Once you start you can’t seem to stop. Dave, your Dave, rushes down the stairs. The others follow, but he’s the only one that walks right up to you. His worry lines, the ones that aren’t hidden by his shades, deepen as he looks at you, waiting patiently for your fit to end.
“Sorry,” you say, rubbing your eyes and catching your breath. “I don’t know what that was.”
“Probably stress or something, but there’s more pressing matters than our unhinged mental states. You need to listen very closely,” he tells you and grabs your shoulders. “When we hit the wall, you need to get out of here and through the crack as quickly as possible.”
“Okay, but why?” you ask.
“It’s your best shot,” he replies simply.
“What’s going to happen when I go through?”
“I don’t really know,” he sighs. “You’re probably going to get flung out into some random place in the new universe.
“Well, I can fight until then,” you tell him with confidence.
“He’ll slaughter us all.”
With that, he falls silent and wanders back to a corner.
TG: seriously john
TG: what happened
TG: im not kidding man
TG: where are you
EB: sorry i was talking to dave
EB: the other dave
EB: my dave
TG: whos there
EB: you and me are there. rose and jade are too, plus karkat and gamzee.
EB: they’re trolls, but that’s a kind of complicated topic.
TG: shit
TG: im sorry
TG: im really sorry
TG: tell them all im sorry
EB: it isn't your fault.
EB: you were right all along, if i'd just listened to you we'd be video chatting every night.
TG: we do egbert
TG: just not you
TG: but like
TG: another you
EB: yeah.
TG: i really hope you guys make it
TG: i feel like shit im so fucking sorry
EB: really, it's not your fault.
EB: at least in some timeline we're all happy, even if it isn’t us.
TG: this is my fault for not poppin the disk in when i was 13
EB: no, it isn't.
EB: if you had, you'd just be the you that's standing behind me.
EB: i'd be talking to a different you.
TG: is he ok
TG: like
TG: fuck
TG: i dont know what to say
You risk a look back, only to catch your Dave conversing with a slightly more battered version of himself. They’re both tense, but for the first time in what has to have been months you think you see him smile.
EB: he’s fine, just talking to another you.
TG: wait what
EB: there's been alternate daves all over the place.
EB: they warn him away from the wrong path.
EB: they’re from the timelines where things go wrong.
EB: he’s the knight of time.
EB: basically he’s got to hop back and forth through time trying to keep our timeline on the right track.
EB: without him, we'd have died ages ago.
EB: he won't admit it, but he's the biggest hero of us all.
TG: im proud of him
TG: im really fucking proud
TG: im so sorry
EB: no, don't apologize!
EB: he's actually really happy.
EB: i don't think i've ever seen him smile like this.
TG: im glad
TG: hey lets keep a secret between us
TG: alright?
EB: alright.
TG: well he- we like you
TG: i think its something you should know
EB: wait, what?
TG: john he likes you
TG: like has a crush on you
What?
EB: i
TG: well he did when he was 13
What?
TG: im not sure now
“He’s right.”
Dave makes you jump, but you get over the scare quickly enough to pull him into a hug. Before you can apologize or anything, he directs you back to the screen and tells you to keep typing.
EB: he says he does.
TG: yeah i thought he still would
EB: i'm about to die and this is the happiest i've been in three years.
EB: talk about irony.
TG: im so fucking sorry
EB: what for?
TG: i dont know but
TG: theres a version of you and me dying right now
TG: and i cant help you at all
EB: god, i'm so sorry.
EB: i should never have pestered you.
TG: no i guess
TG: im glad that you did
TG: i just want you guys to be okay
EB: if we make it out i'll message you again, okay?
TG: please ill be waiting here
TG: im not closing this window
EB: alright, i'll justj;
There’s a sudden crash, jolting the entire ship and throwing you all to the floor. Sounds of glass shattering and electricity sparking echo through the room. Within seconds, everyone is back on their feet with weapons at the ready. Then it gets worse.
-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
“So, who wants to play a game of ‘what put the power out?’’’ Karkat jokes darkly. “My bet is on the green skull monster.”
“It could have been the crash,” Jade throws in as lightheartedly as she can.
Dave takes no solace in her optimism. His hand is on your arm immediately, pushing you towards the doorway that is illuminated by flashing, multi-colored lights. Everyone else trails behind you as the pair of you dart through the doorway and around the edge. Unfortunately, the movement catches the eye of a certain angry time god.
“Fuck,” he whispers, grabbing your hand and sprinting for it.
No footsteps follow, but a demonic howl rises behind you. Dave won’t let you look back. The crack in the wall is easy to see now, but it appears that you’re not as fast as you were. Instead of crashing through it, you smashed a small hole in it.
“I’m not going without the others,” you tell him, shaking his hand off.
“That’s the opposite of the plan,” he mutters, but follows you back to where your group stopped anyway.
When you return, there is nothing left. Dust to dust in deed. You can’t decide if you would rather see them strewn out in bloody piles and frozen forever in time with their battle gear, but this doesn’t feel right. Facing this beast must truly be heroic. Lord English towers over the two of you and Dave pulls on your hand yet again, but you refuse to move.
“John, let’s go,” he pleads, but you ignore him.
Dave finally gives up and arms himself when you equip your specibus. As you raise your hammer, the Lord raises his hand. The last thing that you see is a mass of green rushing towards you.