Chapter Text
// 3:12 AM // Saturday // Reki’s House //
The house was silent, Most of the family had long since fallen asleep, except for one.
Reki laid there silently in his bed, phone in hand scrolling through instagram. His eyes were threatening to close at this point, but he didn't let them. He doesn’t want to sleep just yet. He can’t help but sigh, face twisting in annoyance—Why did his whole feed have to be filled with videos about skating? heck, his whole phone is full of stuff about skating. It’s his biggest hobby, sure—but the last thing he wants to think about right now.
All these people doing insane tricks—while others are cheering them on.
Usually he’d be hyped by this, these tricks are totally awesome! Maybe if he practiced a bit—he could even try to do some of them! and—No, he can’t. He really can’t. He never can. He’ll just end up trying until his body is broken down and dirty, and even then he still won’t be able to get it right. Then he’ll beat himself up over it and he’ll feel even more shitty than he already does.
He turns off his phone and sets it down next to him. Maybe if he doesn’t think about it he’ll feel better. But in order to do that he’d actually have to be able to stop thinking about it in the first place. Too bad his room has skateboarding related stuff all over it, magazines, posters, some tools, the new trucks he bought that he was planning to put on the board he was working on. Guess he can’t really escape it.
Reki clenches his fist, this isn’t good. It’s going downhill fast and he’s all alone—there’s no one to pull him out of a spiral. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.
"It’s ok.. it’s ok.. it’s ok.." He mutters shakily.
I’m getting in my head again, I need to calm down. I’m telling myself stuff that’s not true… it’s not true, right?
"It’s ok.. it’s ok.. it’s ok.." He repeats.
It’s fine… It isn’t true, I'm just being silly. Tomorrow I’ll be skating with Langa and we’ll be laughing until our sides hurt, eating ice cream from the convenience store and we’ll have the best time ever and it’ll be ok.
"it’s ok.. it’s ok.. it’s—" He freezes, choking on his words.
No, it’s not ok at all. Thoughts start to flood his mind and he can’t stop them.
Gosh this totally sucks. Why can’t I be as cool as these people are? Why can’t I do it? Everyone at S is so amazing—Cherry, Joe, Miya, even shadow. And Langa… Oh Langa.. he improved so fast, it’s only been a few months since i started teaching him and he’s already further ahead than I am. But me? Hah… I’ve been doing this since I was little and I still suck.
His hand goes to his hair, pulling at the red locks.
I’m not a child prodigy like Miya, I'm a 17 year old loser. Why can’t I do it? It’s so easy for others, why am I so inferior? Why does everyone have to be so much better than me? Why can’t I be amazing like they are? Why can’t I have that? Just that…
Why is it that everything I love—I’m so awful at compared to everyone else? I hate it.
Am I just like not talented at all..? Do I have nothing good about me?
Even when langa says all these great things about me, I can’t believe it.
I bet he probably doesn't really think all that. Because it’s not true—he’s just saying that to make me feel better.
He tugs at his hair harder, wincing slightly this time.
This is so awful—I hate it, I hate them, I hate me.
Why can’t I be good? I just want to be good..!
Now he’s biting his lip—and tugging harder, ripping a few strands of hair out and everything is too much. His face feels hot, and he chokes back a whimper.
How do I make it stop? how can I stop these thoughts from drowning me in icy water that makes my body tighten up and stops me from making it back up to the surface. How can I release the breath I’m holding, and let myself be ok again…
His mind drifts to that small metal object. The one locked away in the bottom drawer of his nightstand, along with bandaids and tissues. He knows it’s not good for him, that in the long run it won’t help. But god does it make his thoughts quieter... and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t feel good. So good in fact, maybe he should reach for it? Then he’d feel better—and he could go to bed and wake up in the morning and it would all be ok…
He swipes the cold blade across his skin, soaking in the feeling he forgot he loved so much. It’s never gone that deep—and maybe that makes him a coward. But he doesn’t think about that right now, instead he shakily keeps going as each time the blade meets his skin he feels his body relax a bit more. And when that faint metallic smell fills his nose he smiles bitterly. That smell really is so nice, isn’t it?
Before he knows it blood is trickling down his arm and drips onto the bed. He’s snapped back to reality and cleans up the mess. The blood might stain the sheet, but no one would notice. Even if they did, he could just say it was a nose bleed.
// 4:01 AM //
He slaps a tissue on his arm and pulls his sleeve down—too tired to do much else.
He lays back down on his side only to wince in pain, his arm stinging at the contact of fabric pushing against it. he adjusts his position and snuggles up in the blankets.
it feels so warm… did he even deserve this warm feeling..? He frowns, and clenches his jaw.
The pain always calms him down when he’s freaking out. It snaps him back into a more relaxed state when his feelings get too much—but it doesn’t actually make those thoughts or feelings disappear, it just calms them. They’re still there lingering in his mind…
Until they all bubble up again and explode like a shaken can of soda.
// 12:14 PM // Saturday //
Reki woke up groggily—blinking at the light shining through his window. its way too bright. He sat up slowly, looking down at his arm to see spots of blood and his sleeve sticking to his arm. He needs to clean that.
His hair was a mess, his mouth had a bad taste in it, and he felt uncomfortable and dirty. definitely In need of a shower and a toothbrush. But he was still so tired and didn’t feel like moving from the bed, there wasn’t any point in getting up yet anyway.
He looks to where he put his phone down last night and moves the blanket around until he finds it. He picks it up to see the screen light up and show that he had 13 new notifications. What could that be?
(You have 13 new messages from “Langa <3”)
7:30 am
Good morning, r we meeting at the skate park later like usual??
9:46 am
Hey Reki, I’m riding to the park right now, are you coming?
10:15 am
You’re usually here before me. Are you still asleep?
I’ll be here waiting, text me when you see this.
:)
10:40 am
Look I got better at that one trick you taught me
*video*
Maybe it’ll be useful at S later :)
11:20 am
Are you there? You never sleep in this much.
Maybe you’re busy doing something though, text me soon.
11:40 am
Reki are you ok? Usually you respond right away
I might leave the skate park soon, it’s not as fun without you.
12:02 pm
I’m coming over
—————————
No no no—Langa coming? Here? That was sent 12 minutes ago, it takes around 15 minutes to get from the skate park to his house. which means he’s gonna be here any minute and Reki looks like an absolute mess.
First he needs to change this hoodie, he slowly peels the sleeve from his arm, then pulls the hoodie over his head throwing it over to a pile of dirty clothes in the corner of his room. He finds a clean one laying next to his bed and puts it on. He shuffles through the stuff on his desk to find his deodorant and applies some before brushing his hand through his hair and putting his headband on.
He rushes over to the bathroom, right past his sister who was in the hallway. As soon as he steps in the bathroom he shuts the door and stares at his reflection. Wow he looks awful… hopefully langa doesn’t notice. He turns on the faucet to cold, hopefully it’ll wake him up a little bit. He splashes water on his face—almost immediately regretting it because the water got his sleeves all wet and dripped down his arm. He dries his face with a towel, then moments later he hears his mom call out.
“Reki dear, Langas here for you!” She shouts from the kitchen.
Shit, He was not ready to face him right now. but what else could he do? Langa was probably standing there waiting for him—wondering why he hasn’t been answering his texts. He groans before putting on a smile and exiting the bathroom. Walking down the hallway to where Langa stood waiting. He looked at Reki, and opened his mouth to talk.
"Reki-" He cuts him off before the blue-haired boy could continue.
"Hey man! S-Sorry I just saw your texts… I uh slept in late today cus i stayed up so late watching skating videos!" He smiles awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck.
Langa frowns in suspicion, "Are you sure that’s all? you look kinda pale."
"Nah I’m good, don’t worry so much dude—you’ll get gray hairs!"
He teases, trying to sound convincing.
"Well if you're sure…" Langa sighs slightly.
"Of course I’m sure. C’mon you wanted to skate right? let’s go!" He grins.
Reki’s already out the door, waving for him to come along. Langa sighs—he’s worried.
But Reki would tell him if something was wrong, wouldn’t he? He follows behind Reki.
They skate down the sidewalk. Reki is way further ahead than langa but he only speeds up more.
"Reki, wait, slow down a bit." He calls out to the redhead.
"What can’t keep up?~" He teases.
"Come on, if you go that fast you might hit a rock and fall."
He says in a more worrisome voice.
"I won’t, Langa. Didn’t I just say not to worry so much."
He pouts.
"Reki please-"
Before he knows it, he runs over a big crack in the sidewalk and he’s thrown forward off the curb and onto the hot concrete road. Hitting the ground hard on his side.
"Reki!" The blue haired boy exclaimed—before stopping his board and running over to
Reki, crouching down beside him.
He lets out a groan, slowly pushing himself up so he’s sitting. He grips his elbow which he fell on—and his vision blurs a bit.
"Jeez that hurt.." He mumbles to himself.
He looks to Langa who is sitting right beside him, a worried look on his face.
"I told you to slow down…" he sighs "where does it hurt? are you ok…"
"Y-Yeah… I’m fine—just a little dizzy." he winced, biting his lip to keep himself from making any noise. "and sore… but let’s just keep going-"
"No Reki, We’re going to go sit down." He says in a stern tone.
He frowns, but doesn’t argue—Knowing there’s no point. Langa helps him to his feet, and they pick up their boards, walking over to a bench that's shaded nicely by a big tree.
"There's a vending machine over there, I’m gonna grab something—wait here."
Langa says softly, before getting up and walking away.
Reki leans back on the bench, looking up at the gaps of sunlight shining through the leaves of the tree. Great he totally flew off his board and now Langa definitely knows something’s up. He doesn’t want to talk about it, he can’t. He doesn’t even deserve to—it’s not like his life is that bad, his family loves him and he has good friends. There’s no good reason for him to be this sad, is there? Plus he’ll only be a burden, he can deal with it himself anyways, he always has.
Suddenly Langa walks back over, with two drinks in hand. He holds one out for Reki.
"Thanks man.." He says softly, reaching out to take it.
Langa plops back down next to him and opens his drink—The amber eyed boy then doing the same. but it ends up exploding and gets on him, he quickly holds it out in front of himself so it doesn’t drip onto his lap.
"Oh no, It must have gotten shaking up when it came out of the machine.” Langa says.
"Whatever, it’s alright." He wipes his hand on his shorts, they were already dirty anyway.
Langa looks at him and stares for a moment before speaking.
"Reki, Is everything ok? You've been acting pretty weird today, you know you can talk to me right?—I’m here for you." He says reassuringly.
He clenches his jaw, then lets out a breath.
"Y-Yeah, I know thanks. But I already told you I was fine..."
"But you’re not fine. You don’t have to lie to me, I can tell something’s on your mind."
Langa's voice pleads.
"Just drop it! Ok..?" He snaps at the other boy.
"But I don’t want to just sit here while something is clearly wrong.." He frowns.
He stands up, grabbing his board. Not bothering to look back at Langa.
“I’m going home—I’ll see you around. Bye Langa...”
"Reki please wait!-" Langa wants to chase after him, but he just freezes and watches as the redhead hops on his board and skates away. Then turning a corner and disappearing into the distance. He doesn’t know what to do, or how he can help… he just wants Reki to be okay.
🌴🌴