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Big snowflakes fell toward the ground and swirled about on the wind as they joined the crisp white blanket over the world. Everything was covered in soft white snow, the kind that shaped itself to whatever it sat on. Light and fluffy, it turned everywhere into a picture from a Christmas card. It was like a Christmas song come to life. The perfect kind of snow for kids to play in. And yet, little Milo Thatch, who ordinarily would rush out the door with overflowing excitement and glee at such a sight, was still inside.
He had a good reason, though. An important task to complete. The most important task in the entire world to a five-year-old boy.
Milo was writing out his letter to Santa.
Already, he had listed the books he wanted, and a few toys, too. And, Milo being Milo, he had also included a request for his grandpa: new cartography pencils he'd seen the old man looking at.
Said old man was currently reading a newspaper while his grandson worked. Though, he was really only half reading it.
"Grandpa?" Milo asked suddenly.
"Yes, Milo?" Thaddeus Thatch put down his paper and came to Milo's side to see what he needed. The little boy looked up at him with the softest, sweetest big brown eyes behind big round glasses as he asked,
"Do you think Santa could come see Daddy, too?"
Milo meant his adopted father, Lyle Rourke, the young soldier who had been one of the very few survivors of the railroad accident and fire that had killed Milo's birth parents when Milo was three. Rourke had actually been the one to find Milo still alive in the wreckage, beneath the bodies of his parents, and had stayed with him at the hospital while he waited for Thaddeus to get there.
"Santa usually only visits children. Why do you ask?" Thaddeus said. Milo's face fell.
"Oh. I just…..it's mine and Daddy's first real Christmas together, and I want it to be special."
That was true. Milo had been with Rourke for two Christmases already, but the first had been spent still mourning his parents and refusing to acknowledge Rourke's existence. The second had been consumed by the legal fight against Milo's maternal grandparents for custody of Milo. They had exchanged a few gifts, but everyone had been too emotionally drained by the court battles to really celebrate. So this was the first year they were free of any such obstacles. At least, as far as Milo knew.
"I see. Well, you can certainly ask him. Perhaps if you do so very nicely, he just might make an exception for you. And if not, then at least you tried." Milo gave a small smile and a nod and turned back to his letter, while his grandfather went back to his paper.
Thaddeus had his suspicions that Rourke wasn't quite as unhappy with the missed Christmases as Milo was. He had barely even mentioned them at the time, and only at Thaddeus' prompting had he done anything for the second Christmas after Milo's parents died. And even then, he had seemed to put on an act, most certainly for Milo's sake, whenever the holiday came up. The man seemed to just ignore the holiday otherwise.
Which was not going to work forever. Christmas was Milo's favorite holiday season. He loved everything about it. The decorating, the music, the food, the holiday parades and events and festivities, everything excited the little boy. Rourke would not be able to ignore the holiday now that nothing was distracting Milo from it. He couldn't just pass Milo off onto Thaddeus for all of it either, like he had last year while he focused on the legal fight.
Thaddeus knew there was a reason for this. Rourke didn't just randomly do things 'just because'. And he had a feeling that whatever the reason was, it was unpleasant and likely related to the monster Rourke had called a father.
Thaddeus had been told, after pressing enough, about the absolute nightmare living with Jackson Rourke had been. He had admired Rachel Rourke for her strength in doing all she could for her son, and as far as he could tell, she'd done an excellent job raising him into a wonderful young man, who had surprised even himself and become the best father to little Milo. Even if it turned out Rourke absolutely hated Christmas, Thaddeus knew he would put on an award-worthy performance of loving it, just to make Milo happy, and Rourke would be more than glad to do so. The child was his whole world. Even when the man struggled or messed something up, it was glaringly obvious to anyone how much Rourke loved Milo and wanted to be the father to him that Rourke himself never had.
But Rourke wouldn't be able to keep the act up forever. And Thaddeus didn't think he should have to. He decided he would have to talk about it with Rourke. Not a conversation either of them would look forward to, but it was necessary. Sooner or later, they knew, the ever curious and observant Milo was surely going to figure out Rourke was acting and didn't actually share his Christmas spirit. And then the boy would want to know why. And Thaddeus knew some things were just beyond a five-year-old's understanding, even a genius five-year-old. He wanted to spare them all that uncomfortable situation.
Even if he didn't already know where it was, Rourke could easily find Thaddeus Thatch's house. It looked like a fleet of Christmas decor trucks had dumped their cargo off at it. Yet the decorating was clearly thought out and planned, not just thrown together, and Rourke was honestly impressed. Milo and Thaddeus really knew what they were doing. Before he could stop it, a thought crossed his mind.
Mama would've loved this.
As soon as he thought it, Rourke felt his eyes sting and his heart clench. His mother had loved Christmas too. At least, she had when it was just the two of them.
Rourke shook his head and recomposed himself as he shut off the engine and got out of the truck. He couldn't go in looking all sad and wistful. He had a little boy now, who loved Christmas, and if Rourke had his way, Milo would never have any bad memories of the holiday like his father did. Especially not any created by Rourke being a downer. He put on what he hoped was a convincing smile as he raised his hand and knocked on the door before letting himself in.
The inside of the house was just as decorated as the outside, but Rourke's fake smile instantly turned real when he heard the little cry of "Daddy's home!!" followed by excited running footsteps, and then Milo appeared in the hall with his big smile and bright eyes, the sparkling decorations reflected in his glasses. Rourke barely had time to kneel down before Milo met him and threw his arms around his neck. Rourke gladly hugged him in return, before Milo pulled back and waved an envelope at him.
"Daddy, look! I wrote my letter for Santa!" He announced proudly holding out the envelope with 'Santa Claus, North Pole' on the front, with Milo's return address in the upper left, and a stamp in the corner. It was all ready to mail.
"Grandpa said he'd seal it and mail it for me!" Milo continued. Thaddeus appeared behind him in the hallway, smiling.
"It'll get there faster if I put it out with the university's mail." He explained, "Milo, can you give your father and I a moment, please?" Milo looked confused, until Thaddeus added "I think the tree could use some more tinsel. And make sure the cat stays out of our cookies." Milo smiled and gave a little salute, like he'd seen Rourke do at times.
"I'm on it, Grandpa!" And off he went, while Thaddeus took Rourke into another room.
"You're a great actor, Rourke," Thaddeus said quieter, "but even you can't keep it up forever. We have to talk about you hating Christmas."
"I don't hate it." Rourke said quickly, "I just….it makes me sad." He quickly shut the door behind him. He'd had a feeling this was coming soon.
Neither of them knew Milo had heard them, and stood stunned in the living room.
Christmas made his daddy sad? But why? And more importantly, what could he do to help, so his daddy wouldn't be sad? He felt in his pocket for the medal Rourke had given him during the court days and pulled it out. A Medal of Valor, according to the words on it. Rourke had given it to Milo to help him be brave when he had to spend breaks with the scary lady representing his grandparents. As he looked at the medal, an idea came to him.
Santa might need some help for his daddy, Milo decided, and got to work drawing up his idea to show his grandpa.
Rourke's mind was still on his talk with Thaddeus when they got back to Rourke's and Milo's house. Even as Rourke unloaded an Army truck full of boxes of decorations he never would've bought himself, he replayed the conversation, even as he put on his act again so he and Milo could decorate the house as he'd promised Milo they could. It was a promise Rourke's body resented as he did the vast majority of the outdoor decorating, though he could push down his frustration and disinterest when he'd look down from the ladder and see Milo smiling up in awe at his work. Rourke would do anything to see that smile. He dreaded the time he'd have to chase it away with what he and Thaddeus had discussed. They hadn't figured out when or how to bring it up to Milo yet.
Milo took care of that issue while he wrapped a garland around the railing of the stairs.
"Daddy? Why does Christmas make you sad?" Milo asked in that soft innocent way only he could. Rourke nearly dropped the wreath he was about to hang on a door.
"What?" He asked quickly, before he could stop himself.
"I heard you tell Grandpa you don't like Christmas because it makes you sad. Why, Daddy?"
Rourke sighed and set down the wreath, headed for the couch. He knew already that Milo was following him, and sure enough the boy climbed up on the couch to sit next to him.
He already knew what he would tell Milo. The truth, he'd answered when Thaddeus asked him that earlier.
"You remember how I told you my daddy wasn't very nice to me and Mama?" Milo nodded. He didn't know the details, only that Jackson Rourke was a very mean man.
"Well, he was mean at Christmas too. We didn't really have Christmas when he was home." Milo moved closer into Rourke's side.
"But when he was gone, Mama and I always had the best Christmas, with all the stuff like you like. Presents, songs, cookies, all of it. I loved Christmas with her."
"But why is that sad?" Milo persisted.
"Because….there was one Christmas with her that was awful. It was one where Mama got really really sick, so we couldn't do songs or cookies or any of it. I…..I made us dinner, thinking it would help her get better."
"Did it?" Milo asked, and oh, how badly Rourke wished he could say yes when he saw the hopeful look in those big brown eyes. But he would not lie to Milo. He couldn't, even knowing how hard the truth would be.
"It made her happy. It made her smile." Rourke said, feeling his eyes sting, "But no, Milo. It didn't help her get better. Shortly after New Year's, she……she went away." Milo's face fell, taking Rourke's heart with it.
"You mean…..went away like my mommy and daddy did?" Milo asked softly. Rourke felt a tear slip down his cheek.
"Yes, Milo. In fact…..she's probably met your mommy and daddy."
What happened next, Rourke could only describe as Milo catching his sinking heart.
"Then she's okay. My mommy and daddy will be nice to her. And they won't let anybody be mean to her." Milo climbed up so he could hug Rourke's neck.
Now he understood, all too well, why Christmas made his daddy sad. Milo remembered how awful he felt when his grandpa had told him his parents Went Away. He knew his daddy was remembering the happy Christmases and that one awful Christmas. He understood now.
"You miss her more at Christmas."
Rourke could only nod, having underestimated Milo's ability to figure things out.
"She was like you. It was her favorite time of year." Milo nodded, then looked up at him.
"Daddy? It's okay if you don't like Christmas, or if it makes you sad. I love you just as much, no matter what." Milo hugged him again as he said it, Rourke returning the embrace with a smile. Milo could always make him smile.
Now he was more determined than ever to give his daddy a happy Christmas. He already couldn't wait to talk to his grandpa about it.
Rourke noticed a slight change in Milo, but chalked it up to excitement for Christmas. Even on the day he'd told Milo about his mother, when they resumed decorating, Milo had attacked the job with renewed vigor, and he'd been very eager (moreso than usual) to visit his grandfather on the few remaining days Rourke had to work before the holiday.
Rourke didn't have much time to think about it, though. Once he was done with work, he was busy getting gifts for Milo, wrapping said gifts without them being seen, and finding places to hide them until Christmas. Not that he thought Milo would look for them intentionally, but the kid was five years old and curious as could be. He could easily discover them on accident if Rourke didn't hide them well enough.
Thaddeus came to stay with them on Christmas Eve, bringing more gifts, mostly for Milo, of course. They spent the evening singing songs, playing games, and reading or telling stories until Milo fell asleep and Rourke carried him to bed. He carefully tucked Milo in with his favorite stuffed horse and gently removed Milo's glasses, setting them in their tray on the nightstand. With a forehead kiss and a soft 'I love you, my bright star', Rourke quietly closed the door. He still had a few things to do before he went to bed.
The next morning, Rourke was awakened by an excited Milo running toward his room.
"Daddy! Daddy! Wake up! It's Christmas! It's Christmas!" Despite being forced from his sleep, Rourke couldn't help a smile of his own when he woke to the one on his son's face.
"Okay, Mi, okay. I'm up. Why don't you go get your grandpa and I'll meet you two over by the tree, okay?" Milo nodded, but hugged Rourke tight before he ran off, his little bare feet slapping on the floor.
The two seemed to be talking when Rourke joined them, still in a nightshirt like Milo. He noticed Thaddeus had put on some Christmas music for them.
"Go ahead." He caught Thaddeus saying and Milo picked up a few packages he'd clearly wrapped himself.
"Here, Daddy. You can open the first presents! I wrapped them all by myself!" Milo added proudly.
"You did such a wonderful job, too!" Rourke said as he picked up a large flat package with 'To: Daddy, Love: Milo' written on it. He carefully unwrapped it to reveal…..
….A framed drawing, obviously by Milo, of the three of them in front of a Christmas tree. Above the tree, Milo had drawn three stars with faces in them. Two of them Rourke recognized as Milo's parents. But the third….
"That's your Mama." Milo explained, "I dunno what she looked like, so I just made her look really nice. I wanted to put our whole family together for Christmas."
Rourke had to pause for a moment. He could feel his eyes stinging as he looked at the face in that third star, placing his fingers beside it.
Milo said he didn't know what she looked like. But he had gotten her exactly right. As exactly right as he got his own parents.
"I made the frame too. Well, Grandpa helped, but I showed him how to use old wood, like you showed me, Daddy." Milo added. Now that Rourke looked at it, he could tell the frame was indeed homemade.
"Oh Milo, I….."
"Here, do this one next!" Milo held out the other package eagerly. Rourke smiled and took it, pulling off the paper. This time, he unveiled a velvet box. And now he was intrigued. The last thing he'd received that came in such a box had been one of his military medals. He carefully opened the box…..and felt not just stinging, but actual tears in his eyes.
Inside was a scrap metal creation obviously meant to look like a military award. In fact, if he was remembering the colors right, this was made to look like a Medal for Valor. He carefully picked it up to read the words painted on it, 'Best Daddy Ever', in Milo's handwriting. In the lid of the box was a note meant to mimic the card that came in the box with an Army medal.
"This medal is awarded to 'Daddy' for Valor in battle against the Scary Lady-" Rourke couldn't help a small laugh at Milo's entirely accurate name for the lawyer who represented Milo's other grandparents in the custody fight, "-and outstanding service and love in the post of Father. Thank you."
Rourke was actually in tears when he finished reading it out loud. And he didn't even try to stop them.
"I made that, too." Milo said, "Well, Grandpa helped again. But it was my idea."
"Milo, I….I don't….." Rourke sniffed back more tears as he dried his eyes.
"Why don't you open one now?" Thaddeus suggested, handing Milo a rather lumpy package with an attached note, "Read that first," he instructed Milo.
"It's a letter from Santa." Milo announced, "Dear Milo. I was very happy to receive your letter. You are always so very polite in your writing. But you surprised me this year, and I knew I had to write you back.
It was so very kind and thoughtful of you to ask for something for your father. Personally, I don't think you need my help, and my expertise is in children and toys.
However, I know how good and kind you always are, so I decided to make an exception this year. Your daddy already has the best gift he could ever want. You. But I hope he will love this gift, found with a little Christmas magic, almost as much.
Merry Christmas, Milo. Love, Santa Claus……Here, Daddy."
Rourke honestly didn't know how he managed to take the gift and squeak out a "thank you" through tears. Especially not the ones that came when he pulled the paper off to reveal an old and well loved stuffed black horse with a white mark on its forehead, like Milo's but bigger.
"Oh my……god, it….."
"What is it, Daddy?" Milo asked. Rourke had recognized the toy instantly, despite having all but forgotten about it for years.
"It's…..Mama made this for me, Milo, when I was a little younger than you. I…..I thought my father would've gotten rid of it…..I can't believe it's here."
"It's Christmas magic, like Santa said!" Milo cried.
"And your wish," Rourke reminded him, wiping more tears from his eyes. Milo seemed to notice them for the first time.
"Don't cry! I'm sorry, Daddy. I just…It's our first real Christmas together and I wanted it to be special. Then you told me about your Mama, and I…..I wanted to give you a good Christmas…..make you happy." Rourke pulled the boy into his lap for a tight hug.
"Milo, you did!" Rourke sniffed, "You did make me happy, so very happy." He held up the medal and showed Milo.
"This right here? This is the most important medal and the highest honor I've ever earned." To emphasize this, he carefully took it from the box and fixed it to his nightshirt, "And as soon as we're done with presents, I'm going to hang our family picture in the front hall, where anyone who visits can see it." Milo smiled at that.
"I love you, Daddy. Merry Christmas."
"I love you, too, baby." He gave Milo a kiss and set him back down on the floor, "Now, I think you've got some unwrapping of your own to do." Milo nodded, though he made Thaddeus open his gifts first.
Rourke couldn't keep the small smile off his face as he watched Milo tear into the pile, a space on the floor beside him filling up with books and toys and games that Milo couldn't wait to start playing with. And Rourke let him, content to watch the light of his life shining with all the pure joy a child on Christmas morning should have.
Rourke had never hated Christmas, but in this moment, he knew he had also never loved it more than he did now.
Written by a human in Ellipsus.