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“Do you believe in god?”
The question was simple and easy, just curiosity
“Its existence is impossible, there's no reason to believe”
“You said you believed in the impossible”
The room stayed in a noisy silence, Ness, who had been staring at the ceiling for a while, turned his head toward Kaiser's bed. Before he could call his name, he finally talk
“Stop doing stupid questions and sleep, Ness” With that and new silence settled in the room. With more questions than answers, but he wasn't surprised that Kaiser didn't respond to any of his questions. Ness murmured, Yes, Kaiser and closed his eyes.
Since childhood, for Ness, the existence of God was null and void. His parents were guided by science and justified the entire creation of the planet; they had no need to pray or attend church services. Because it simply didn't make sense. So much chaos, so little morality, wars and conflicts. If God truly existed, He would be a cruel God for allowing evil to take over. According to the Bible, we were created in the image and likeness of God. Does that mean that humans lack of humanity and morality is inherited from a supreme being with a dubious presence? No one could answer, because nothing had been proven.
Ness knew nothing about religion. All the books he read were stories or books for entertainment. It was only one of the few times he saw people kneeling in the streets—apparently protesting—with their hands clasped and their eyes fixed on the sky as if desperate to be heard. But no one seemed to take them seriously; they simply walked past them. It was the same with Ness. He never approached them—they were strangers, after all—only once did he ask his family about them out of curiosity.
“They are ignorant”
“They are people with blindness who cling to lies because they don't want to see reality”
“For their own greed they ended destroying themselves for searching a fake salvation”
And without meaning to, started a discussion among scientists about why all those who knelt on the ground with their hands crossed were blind by nature, unable to distinguish between reality and sham. But Ness still didn't understand what they were doing and why his gaze was filled with a hope that couldn't be seen in other eyes.
It was an afternoon when Ness was walking along the sidewalks—a little further from his house—when he began to hear harmonious singing. It was so soft and hopeful. He could feel his mind clearing away any unnecessary thoughts. Little Ness immediately ran to the place where the singing was coming from. It was a type of building he had never seen before, but it reminded him of the castles illustrated in the magic books he read so much. He peeked inside and saw many people standing with books in their hands, singing in unison. But he turned his eyes to the “decoration” of the place; everything looked so magical and beautiful. It was definitely like seeing a castle full of magic. Ness spent so much time admiring the place that he didn't realize that most of the people who had been there had left, leaving only a few ladies who seemed to belong there.
Apparently one of them noticed him leaning against the large door and approached him.
“What brings you here, dear?”
Ness was surprised with the courtesy and softness of her voice and he tried to find what to say till his gaze fixed on in the bottom of the place
“Who is he?”
“Oh, he is our God, the man who created us”
His parents always had said that because of the reproductive process between opposite sexes, it created another human being, how that man over there has created them? But Ness didn’t ask, instead he asked about another thing
“And why does he seem so sad? And hurt…” As opposed to the gaze of the everyone that sang, the man’s gaze was solemn
“Because nobody believed in him. He sacrificed himself for all of us so that we could have a home” Ness still didn’t understand so much but even so, it was depressing. He doesn't remember much of what that lady said afterwards, but he remember that she gave him a little bible to read
The bible was like anyone of his magic stories, but more extensive and with more details. Ness started to research a little more about it and He was amazed at the number of people who shared his faith. Something to believe in, something to lean on.
You my God, my merciful lord. Bless my souls and body and deliver me from sin and clutches of hell
Long after that, and even as he grew up, Ness met many Christians and atheists and heard many opinions. Many said that its existence was impossible, because no one could see it, because the world was getting worse instead of better, because there was no proof of anything. Others said that his existence was the closest thing to what we dream of, because someone had to have created the first human, because someone had to have built a body as perfect as that of a human, because someone had to have decided the rules. But—even though Ness had stopped trying to cast spells—magic still excited him, and religion was the closest thing to his impossible dream. He began to pray every dawn and every dusk, and before long his eyes were filled with hope.
When Ness met Kaiser, he felt that God had sent him into his life as a light that everyone wants to reach for. Whenever Ness felt miserable, he prayed to God to bring him a new hope, always waiting patiently for an answer. And that answer was Kaiser, someone who brightened his life with just his voice. It was so beautiful that it reminded him of the chorus in church in the morning. Ness began to spend a lot of time with him and do everything with him. Kaiser didn't touch him, but it was as if he hugged him so warmly every day that he never wanted to be apart from him. It was all like a dream.
Till they arrived to Blue lock, till Yoichi take part in their lives, till he take part in their bond
Kaiser didn’t talk to him anymore, he didn’t pay enough attention to Ness to feel complete. Would he abandon him? Would he hate him?
No one was around; the hallway was empty. He couldn't help but collapse and fall to his knees.
“My God…don’t take Kaiser away from me. Please, please, I beg you! Make Kaiser spend time with me again…Do not let him fall into temptation and deliver him from evil…” Whispered as quietly as he could, but also as desperately as he could.
Then, the next match was the worst. Ness felt kaiser farthest
And then, they seem so close to each other. And Ness was farthest
And then Kaiser quit him, and…
Ness’s mind stayed in silence, his knees hurted. He didn’t know how much time he had knelt but he couldn’t stop crying
“Please, my Lord…take pity on me. What did I do wrong? Please, please, please. My god, forgive me for any mistake i could make. " He muttered so desperately looking to the sky — and he remembered how the ladies were begging in the streets — He cried so much that he could barely breathe, Ness felt as if his throat was closing up and he was suffocating. Is God who was killing him? Is this the punishment he deserves?
He doesn’t know what he did wrong. Only God knows
That night Ness barely slept, and when he did it, He dreamt about Kaiser
In the Dream everything was so peaceful and beautiful, he could feel the Kaiser’s arms hugging him, Ness could hear his own voice whispering…lovely words. He could feel the Kaiser’s lips in his face. Ness could feel his own lips touching the face of the blonde too. As if they were…
A couple
And then, Ness heard a voice. Three words that he couldn’t identify if it was himself or Kaiser
“I love you”
Ness woke up with his heart beating nonstop, he felt that his face was red. Ness still could feel the warmth of the Kaiser’s touch on his body, but in reality there’s no more than cold. It was something that he never had experienced, it was a feeling that was always there whenever he was with Kaiser. But also something that he shouldn’t feel as a man toward another man
“The homosexuals won’t be accepted in the kingdom of heaven”
“God created the male and the woman to reproduce each other and have children, outside of that, nothing is natural”
“To sin will anger God”
No.
No.
He couldn't be in love with Kaiser, right?
But then he imagines Kaiser with someone else, and his head hurt
Then he imagines someone; who is not him, hugging Kaiser very lovely, and feel dizzy
Then he Imagines Kaiser kissing someone; who is no him, and run to bathroom to vomit
Then he Imagines Kaiser having sex with someone else, and he believe that he will vomit his stomach or some other organ that gets in the way
Because he can’t bear to see Kaiser with someone else
Nevertheless, Ness remembered that he was sinning, he was betraying God. His stomach hurted, as if it were to explode from shame
So Ness vomits again, as if that would expel all the sins he has committed. He vomits for all the times he has looked at Kaiser, he vomits for all the times he unconsciously desires to kiss Kaiser, he vomits for all the times he touched Kaiser, he vomits for all the times he desired something more. He had vomited so much that even inserting his fingers only caused a slight choking sensation, he couldn't stop crying. Ness looked up at the ceiling as if he was looking at the sky, as if he was looking at God.
“My God, my God, my lord. Forgive me, I have sinned. Pleasy, don’t be mad at me..”
Ness continued muttering till he realized something
Perhaps the reason why Kaiser quit him was because God realized that Ness had fallen in the clutches of sin. Ness had sinned and as punishment it was taking away from him
“No, no, no! Please no. My lord please don't take Kaiser away from me, I know I made a mistake, but…Hurt me! Make them hit me, you can do whatever you want with me, but please! don’t take Kaiser away from me. I promise you I won't see him with those eyes anymore. My god, Please listen to me! I will have sex with a woman, I will start a family with a woman. I’ll do the right thing. But…just…please…don't let him leave my side, At least let me have it from afar…please” He screamed, cried, everything he could do. He had a gaze of desperation, of attention, of wanting to be forgiven. He didn’t want to betray God, he didn’t want to betray the one who had always been there and given him all that happiness.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
He couldn't stay quiet, Ness was so anxious that he moved his body with such intensity that he could have broken a bone. He dug his nails into his thighs, causing them to bleed. Would God be angry if he damaged the body that he had created with his own hands? No one answered, he just remained kneeling while continuing to pray with his head bowed.
“Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. They will be done on earth as it is in heaven..” Maybe he repeated it almost all night long, until he no longer knew whether he was praying correctly or just mumbling broken phrases. Ness didn’t allow his eyes to close at any moment; it would have been like rejecting the work of the Holy Spirit.
He doesn’t remember how long he stayed there, his knees hurted and without notice he was bleeding. But he wasn't scared. He felt that his blood, his very life, formed a silent promise to the truth of himself.
Ness no longer played soccer. He got up early every day to go to church, where he confessed all his sins and how unnaturalness was corrupting him. He knelt every night until his knees bled, sometimes he thought that God would be upset that he was damaging his body like that, the perfect body that He had given him, but then he remembered that Jesus bled for all of us and for the ignorance of human beings.
“Oh Lord, you who embrace me with such warmth. Grant me the privilege of remaining by your side, today and for the days to come.”
“Do not let Satan take hold of me and deliver me from sin. I give you my whole body and soul. Save me, my Lord. You are the only one who can do it.”
It was a night in a bar, the music was so loud that he couldn't hear his thoughts. He had tried dating many times but was always rejected, so he chose a more open place to meet someone, where they could fall in love or start something serious. Or at least a one-night stand to prove to God that he was his most faithful son. Kaiser hadn't contacted him in over a month, which hurt Ness's heart, but
“Its the best”
God said
Ness realized that begging Kaiser to return was continuing to sin, so he had to prove to God that he was worthy of continuing to be blessed. So Ness didn't think about him anymore. It was wrong to fall in love with a man, it was wrong to sin, it was wrong to anger God.
The homosexuality was disgusting and he couldn't get dirty just because a man
A woman had approached him, she was beautiful. Was blonde with blue eyes and had a slim body and curvy. Someone that whoever man could desire, But Ness couldn't help but shudder at the resemblance to Kaiser. He immediately pushed that image out of his head and focused his attention on the girl in front of him.
God is omniscient
Ness didn’t know much about what she was talking about, but he could feel her hand in his thigh moving it slowly, insinuating what she wanted. A subtle gaze but also full of desire
Disgusting
But Ness did not move nor take away her hand, and he continued smiling because of his devotion and loyalty. It wasn't long before Ness felt fleshy lips on him, moving and inserting his tongue into her mouth. Exploring every cavity and place his mouth could provide, as if she were hungry.
Disgusting, dirty. Simply disgusting
Ness wanted to cry, wanted to vomit, He felt so dirty, every part of him that she touched felt so bad. But he ignored the feeling out of pure devotion to God. Ness had to remove all sin from his being; he wanted to be clean for God even if it meant being dirty for himself. God will understand that he is doing his best.
So —still in the corner of the bar— he slipped his arm under the woman's shirt, hinting that they should go somewhere else. The woman's body felt cold despite the excitement of the moment; nothing felt good.
Unfortunately, his mind betrayed him because he imagined that the blonde girl was Kaiser devouring him, that it was Kaiser who was kissing him right now and touching his body; he imagined that the touch was softer, warmer, and more beautiful. His tears threatened to spill out, he had to gather all his strength, Ness missed Kaiser so much. So much that he felt he would die, but even so, he did not push her away; in the name of the Father and the Holy Spirit.
However, before they could move somewhere else and get carried away
Ness saw him.
Sitting at the bar, with his typical frown as he drank small shots, wearing a giant vest and his cheeks slightly pink, maybe from the winter cold.
It was like seeing that same light that illuminated him in his days of misery, it was like being reborn, it was like it was the first time. Ness was stunned, motionless, speechless. He saw Kaiser and wanted to run to him. God couldn't put these temptations in front of him at this moment…
And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from evil
It was like putting bread with mold on a hungry man. Was he being tested? My lord, forgive me, forgive me… in the darkest depths of his mind, he said it. But he wasn’t sure if God had heard him nor if Ness had really said it. Ness couldn't bear it, he couldn't do it. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't just stay here and watch, he couldn't let him be so close and not reach out to him.
So without thinking, without listening to the replies of the woman he had left behind. He pursued once again that light he so longed for, not wanting to think about anything other than the person in front of him.
And maybe Ness would understand, maybe God would understand.
Kaiser had lost hope from the moment he was born, his fate was sealed and there wasn’t salvation for a pure soul —now impure— like him. He was tortured from the moment he came out of his mother until his present day, every day was beaten by his father, scratched and bitten. Sometimes for stupid things and sometimes just for his existence.
The pain in his bones was persistent. Every day, he felt as if they were melting inside his body, and it seemed as if he were going to fall placidly to the floor with a miserable expression. Then his nostrils were tortured by the smell of dirt and alcohol that hugged his entire house, that hugged his father as if it belonged there.
The simple act of breathing was something that he loathed. Every moment, he wondered why he was suffering so much or what kind of karma he was paying for. His gaze lacked hope, lacked any trace of happiness; it was filled only with fear and anger.
The first time Kaiser knew about religion was when he was walking along the sidewalk, where apparently nearby people were in the middle of a kind of “healing” assembly where a child who was originally disabled, got up and walked as if he had never been sick after an old man said a few words.
“In the name of the Lord. in the name of the holy spirit. This kid will get up and walk! Because you my God will fill him with blessings. Remember Lazaro and the faces who saw him. You, my loyal son, will cure and walk as the son of God that you are!”
Kaiser watched from a distance where he could see what was happening and hear. Immediately Kaiser frowned. “How foolish, they must be actors,” he thought. It was impossible for someone who was sick to be healed with just a few words; they were all definitely ignorant. When he was about to leave, he saw a kind of pamphlet on the ground. Judging by the name “Christian Treasures” and the clothing of a woman in it, he knew it belonged to that small assembly.
Out of sheer curiosity, Kaiser picked it up and read some of the phrases that were written on it.
“When you feel weak, remember that God's power is made perfect in weakness.”
“If you look at the world, you will be distressed. Have faith in God, hold on to Him, and you will overcome!”
“Nothing is impossible for God.”
He didn't have to read much to know that these people were believing in someone they had never seen. “How pathetic,” Kaiser laughed briefly and left. But those words, those pamphlets, and those looks full of faith kept showing into his mind. He felt a pain in his stomach and blamed it on his hunger.
It was time to go home, and he hadn't even managed to close the door properly when his father slapped him, leaving him lying on the floor.
“Fucking kid, you're the cause of all my misfortunes. You disappear all day and don't bring home any money or food. You disgust me!” He began to rant about everything Kaiser had done wrong, from the moment he was born to the way he looked at his father. Kaiser couldn't do anything about it. If he died today from his father's beating, he would have to accept it.
He felt his father's hands around his neck, tightening their grip more and more. He couldn't breathe; he felt like his throat was being crushed. The grip was so strong that he thought his father would cut off his head. The smell of alcohol and saliva coming from his father was disgusting, so dirty, so impure. Kaiser didn't know if he was about to die or just passing out, but before he could think any further, his father let go of him and left him lying there like the trash he was.
Maybe it was the adrenaline of the moment that enabled him to get up and go to his room—if you could call an empty room with only a cardboard box for a bed a room— He curled up and hugged his own legs, trying to comfort himself because there was no one else to do it.
His body burned, his neck hurt as if his head had been cut off and put back on. He felt as if his face had been bruised and now had no skin left. Was it normal to feel the blood running through his veins? Was it normal to feel how wet his bones were? Was his heart about to burst? He could hear it as if it were right next to his eardrum.
Everything was wrong, his whole body felt wrong. He tried to distract his mind from anything other than himself, and his mind moved to the gaze of people full of confidence, to how great their hope was for a being that did not exist. Kaiser didn't want to do it, but he was so desperate about his own life, there was no escape, and after all, he was just a child.
“Lord... why is my life like this? If it's true that you can make people walk, can you save me?” It was hard for him to say it; he could barely speak or even think. Tears streamed from his eyes without warning. "Please, God. Save me, I beg you. Please, please, please." It was pathetic, simply pathetic; crying, clutching his legs tighter, begging for salvation from someone he couldn't even see.
But Kaiser wanted to believe, at least once in his life, that he had salvation, that he could escape.
But the illusion didn't last long, when in the morning he woke up to his father's screams.
“You filthy child! The neighbors just came over saying you stole money from them. Where the hell am I going to get money now, huh?” The old man shouted. Kaiser hadn't even woken up properly yet; he still didn't fully understand what his father had said. The slap that followed woke him up completely. “I don't know how the hell you're going to get that money, but I don't want to see those fucking people in my house again!” The old man left, leaving Kaiser stunned, but the latter didn't even pay attention to what his father had said. There was only one phrase in his mind.
pray continually
And Kaiser did, for a few more nights. He rarely clung to something he had seen out of the corner of his eye, simply because it was the only and last thing left to do. But anyway, nothing improved; it could even say it got worse. He was still miserable, his father drank more, and all he could see was how others smiled happily with their families. There were no more sentences left in Kaiser's mind, only one word remained.
Liar
It's all a sham, Kaiser knew it, he knew it didn't exist. He knew it all along, but he wanted to believe even though he knew it was a complete sham. God doesn't exist, and if he does, he has no interest in humans. If the God everyone talks about so much existed, why is his life such a mess? Why can't he save him?
God won't give you everything at once, you have to be patient, and when you least expect it, you'll have the life you've always wanted.
How long? How long does he have to wait? How many decades to achieve his salvation? Maybe he'll die miserable, meaning that his death was the only way to be free. He has already been patient, he has waited; he reached a point where he didn't know what he was waiting for. But he was still there. Kaiser never believed he would be saved, he had already resigned himself to it. He only accepted it because there was nothing else he could do. If God exists, God had abandoned him before he was born, there is nothing to believe in.
When Kaiser bought that soccer ball, he was so excited because no matter what, the ball kept coming back to him. It was something he clung to, where he could find comfort; it was the closest thing he had ever been to love. It distracted him and was always there; it didn't save him, but it accompanied him in his misery.
When he started playing soccer, he wanted to believe that he had finally achieved freedom. He would no longer be abused by his father, he would have a real bed to sleep in, he would have food and a home. He thought that life had decided to give him a happy ending. But Kaiser remained miserable, the memories of the past persisted as if they were the present or as if they had happened yesterday. And every word or attitude of his was a vivid portrait of his father; a reminder that he had contributed to his creation. No matter how much he escaped, the past continued to torture him, continuing to suffocate him no matter how far he went. He remained stuck in an endless void that could not be filled, and although soccer distracted him, the moment he let go of the ball, he remembered all too well.
When he met Ness, the first thing that caught his attention was the great devotion and hope in his eyes, as if he were a pure and innocent soul looking at God. He didn't pay much attention to Ness, after all, he would only use him for his own benefit. He began to spend all his time with him. They bathed together, went shopping together, and ate together. Ness took care of his morning needs and left the blond with plenty of free time. Although he still felt like shit, Ness helped him distract himself a little, but he would never admit it out loud.
Kaiser soon realized that Ness was religious. He heard him praying before meals, in the morning and at night, at all times. He never said anything because it was none of his business. In his mind, he thought it was pathetic and ignorant to believe in such things. But that feeling of indifference turned into hatred, not towards Ness, but towards his devotion. He had such bright eyes, and if they dimmed a little; he would seek God, and after a while, it would be as it always was.
Kaiser was envious, and he hid it for a long time. Because even though they were stupid to believe in something they couldn't see, they had faith, they had faith that everything would get better—they had the faith that Kaiser didn't have— He was jealous of how they could believe and have someone to trust even though they suffered every day. He was jealous that God preferred them, and that everything was so fucking pathetic.
Listening to Ness praying at night turned his stomach. To think that despite collapsing, he could still stand up for God. Was Ness blessed for his patience? If Kaiser had persevered in the same way Ness did, would anything have changed? Would it have been different?
Since Blue Lock's neo-egoist began, since Yoichi, everything had been wrong. Nothing turned out the way he wanted—like in the old days—his despair began to grow with each night he spent in that place. No matter how many goals he scored, he couldn't beat Yoichi, he couldn't match his skills. And that was the problem. If he didn't believe in himself, what was he going to hold on to now? If he didn't believe in himself, who would do it for him?
Fuck, Fuck, if he kept this up, maybe they would throw out him back to that house and he would return to his horrible father. Would he have to endure that old man's treatment? The fact that the admiring glances of his fans could turn to disappointment, just like when he was a child... No! No! He couldn't allow that, no... he couldn't…
His hands reached his neck, choking him as punishment—just like his father used to do. He began to remember his entire childhood up until the moment Yoichi scored the last goal against Ubers. And with each memory, he squeezed harder, the temporary mark he would leave on his skin was a reminder of his weakness. He couldn't breathe, and that's what made him feel alive. The pain and crying were proof that he was still alive and hadn't died some time ago. Even his hands were weakening, but he wouldn't die. Because that wasn't his goal, he just wanted to feel close to his fate. Soon he heard Ness's voice full of panic, stopping Kaiser's actions for the second time that week.
Kaiser didn't speak, he didn't want to and he couldn't.
Later that night, he heard Ness praying and crying at the same time. He was as quiet as possible so that Kaiser wouldn't hear, but he still managed to hear him.
“Give him wisdom and don't let him fall into the clutches of sin. Help him, my Lord, do it for me and for you. Amen.”
That day, Kaiser didn't close his eyes.
That day in the final match, all hope was lost. Yoichi treating him like a clown and humiliating him in front of everyone was the last straw. Remembering how Ness prayed desperately before the second half and after the match gave him a headache. He couldn't do it, it didn't matter if he disappointed his fans or disappointed Ness. He wouldn't have to stay by his side anymore after seeing what he was really like. He could not hide his anger and how he felt like his life was falling apart, nothing was right, nothing would ever be right.
His legs hurt, his body hurt, he reached a point where he no longer felt pain, and that was even more desperate. Was he dying? Maybe it wouldn't be long before his body fell lifeless to the ground. But then he remembered Ness and his stupid prayers. He thought Ness would abandon him as soon as he heard that he no longer needed him in his life, but this was Alexis Ness, that persevering and patient man who fights blindly for what he wants. And Ness still had faith in him, as if he were a god.
God, holy lord creator of the universe and all existing matter. A fucking liar who blinds people to reality. Kaiser cried, screamed as loud as he could; he wanted to tear his vocal cords and rupture his eardrums so he would never have to hear his voice again. No matter how much Kaiser begged God to save him, no matter how much Ness prayed for him, he remained in his misery. He is still the piece of shit he always was.
If God existed, he wouldn’t have cursed Kaiser from birth.
If God existed, he wouldn’t have made Ness dismal with Kaiser's absence, in the first place; he would never have abandoned him.
But he cries anyway, because even though he never formed a bond with that being, he envies those who have more hope than he does.
Kaiser didn’t want to believe in god because he hoped that a god wasn’t cruel enough to put him through that much pain
The days passed, and Kaiser had no contact with Ness. He just lay in bed, rotting away, and didn't talk to anyone—not that he had anyone to talk to— He didn't eat, and if he did, it was cereal or something with zero nutritional value. It was no surprise, since Ness had left, his home and his body were a mess, and there was nowhere to look and no way to find anything.
His life had no meaning—and perhaps it never had. — He could only suffocate himself, which didn't get him very far because every time he felt himself slipping away, his hands lost their original strength and fell limply to his sides. And he let himself fall, as if he were a corpse, because he wanted to delude himself into thinking he was dying when he only wanted to get closer to death.
Kaiser felt as if the sheets were absorbing him, as if they were becoming part of him and eating him alive. Maybe he should just accept it and wait for death in that damn bed, which had long since begun to feel like the cardboard box he slept in as a child.
Then time will pass and Kaiser's body will rot, and when the insects devour his eyes, they will only be able to see everything he ever wanted to be; when they devour his eardrums, they will only be able to hear disgusting and dirty words; when they devour his lips, they will taste the words he never said and those that came out unintentionally; when they devour his olfactory epithelium, they will only smell alcohol and garbage, and when they devour his stomach, they will only find a chamber of dead butterflies.
But most likely, when the worms begin to devour him, it will only be a matter of seconds before they want to escape from his body because of the taste of despair and the need for freedom that inhabited him from the beginning.
It was a winter night when he decided to leave his house. It had been over a month since he had last gone out, and he went to the nearest bar he could find. He had spent the last few weeks feeling so sorry for himself that he found it pathetic. He couldn't control his emotions, yet and he expected to be able to control his life. He sat at the bar and ordered a few shots, not planning on getting drunk. He wasn't an alcoholic or a fan of alcohol, he just wanted to do it. It was cold. His body was naturally cold, and combined with the air, it was even colder.
“Kaiser...”
A soft voice brought him out of his trance, and he looked toward the source of the voice.
Kaiser was stunned. It had been a long time since he had seen Ness, but more than that, it had been a long time since he had seen his eyes. And they were undoubtedly shining much brighter now, so much that he could see his reflection in them. Did he deserve to be looked at like that? He could read Ness so well just by looking at him, he could sense so many hidden emotions and the way he looked at him with such smoothness, with such softness, with so much... love. Kaiser clenched the glass and looked away.
Ness still sat down next to him despite the lack of response. He was so happy; it had been so long since his eyes had looked at Kaiser, and it was as if it were a necessity. So even though he didn't look at him, he was satisfied.
“I thought you didn't drink alcohol.”
“I don't.” Today is the exception. He didn't say it; he didn't want to give details or talk so much.
Ness shuddered when he heard his voice again; it was still the same. So calm, so harmonious, he missed that sound so much. I think a little more talking from Kaiser and he would fall asleep. He really wanted to stay there with him, no matter what the past was like or how Kaiser had abandoned him, nothing mattered anymore.
God is watching
“What are you doing here?” Kaiser asked without looking directly at him. As far as he knew, Ness didn't like crowded places or loud music, and he wasn't drinking either.
“Oh,” Ness remembered the main reason for being at the bar, and that made him feel worse. For a moment he had forgotten, and that meant he had disobeyed God. His throat tightened, and he couldn't remember how to breathe. Kaiser was in front of him, the person he longed for so much, but he also felt God's gaze on his body, on his soul, on his sin. He couldn't answer. He had time to run away and repent for his actions—both for leaving and for approaching—
When he got no answer, Kaiser turned to Ness. It left him speechless. Those eyes that had been shining just a moment ago were now dark, as if something or someone had stolen their sparkle. Kaiser couldn't resist Ness's gaze. He didn't know why he had reacted that way to that simple question, but he couldn't... look at that. Maybe in the past he would have been happy that Ness had that look, he would have been relieved to be right.
But after all, his gaze, his eyes, were the only proof that hope existed.
Without thinking twice —and without giving Ness a chance to decide— he got up from his seat and pulled Ness by the hand, pulling him out of his trance and out of the bar.
“Kaiser...?!”
Kaiser didn't speak and just dragged Ness along the shore to who knows where. Ness didn't resist and simply let himself be led away. He was more focused on Kaiser's hand on his wrist. His hand was cold, but it wasn't uncomfortable, nor did his touch feel bad. On the contrary, he wanted more and more. If Kaiser's body was cold, Ness wanted to hug him and wrap himself around him. But he didn't move, he didn't speak, he just admired him in silence.
God is listening
After walking for a while, they arrived at a small park, where Kaiser headed for one of the two swings there, followed by Ness, who sat down next to him —And he began to miss the blond's touch on his wrist— “It will soon be dawn.” Kaiser just made a sound of confirmation and let the wind speak for itself. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Ness falling asleep and perhaps shivering from the cold, but he didn't seem to be thinking of leaving, he was just waiting, and Kaiser didn’t know what-
“You should go home, it's getting colder.”
“What about you?”
Kaiser was silent for a few seconds and then replied, “I don't want to go home.”
Maybe he could have said, “I'll go later,” or lied and said he would go and just kept walking all night. But he didn't. Maybe if he went to that place, he would never come out again, maybe he wouldn't be able to get out of bed next time and would end up dying right there. Maybe he just wanted to delay his fate —Deep down, he wanted to convince himself that this wouldn’t be his end—
Ness had been waiting for an explanation, but seeing the blond's expression, he knew he would say no more and offer no explanation, so he asked —his heart in his throat— “Do you want to come to mine?”
GOD IS LISTENING.
Kaiser looked at him with an unreadable expression. Why?
Maybe he nodded to Ness's request, or stood up and followed him. Because he had no idea what he was doing or how his body and mouth were moving on their own.
Why?
He heard the sound of keys and the door opening and closing behind him.
Why?
Ness gave him a chance to take a shower while he organized the room where he would sleep.
And every fucking moment, the only thing in Kaiser's head was the same fucking question: Why? He couldn't understand Ness, he couldn't understand himself. Why the hell did his body accept the invitation to come to his house? Why did he drag him to the park? No, why did he talk to him in the first place?
When Kaiser got out of the shower, he saw Ness with sheets in her arms, holding them to the bed. Compared to Kaiser's mind, Ness's was silent, empty. Maybe he wouldn't sleep that night and would have to try to explain everything he had done and was doing. He didn't want to think, he didn't want to think about the tingling in his body from the intense gaze of the lord of the skies. He didn't want to think about whether or not he was betraying his God, he didn't want to think about anything else. There was still time to regret his actions and perhaps disappear from everyone's lives and start from scratch. But in Ness's mind, that wasn't one of his solutions. His legs hurt, maybe it was a sign that at any moment God would cut them off to complete his divine punishment, maybe he would end up being castrated because Satan cursed him with being a man and being in love with another man. If he were a woman, loving Kaiser wouldn’t be a sin. Maybe if he didn’t live in Sodom, it would never have ended this way.
Ness no longer even had the courage to pray or look up at the sky for fear of turning into a pillar of salt.
God is disappointed
“Why?” A voice interrupted his train of thought. Kaiser, with only a towel covering his crotch and water dripping from his body, looked at him with a gaze that could not be read by normal people. It was a mixture of anger, confusion, and sadness. Ness wanted to ask him what he meant, but Kaiser spoke first.
“Why am I here? Why are you being so kind to me despite everything?” Kaiser tried to hide the slight tremor in his voice by clenching his fist to try to control himself.
“I...”
“I abandoned you, I insulted you, I made you miserable. And despite everything, you have the audacity to look at me with those eyes as if I were the only thing you could believe in.” He lowered his head, avoiding the face he both hated and loved most about Ness, the one that stood out with concern, the one that saw things he couldn't see.
"Because I know you're not a bad person, I believe in you. I believe in everything about you." Ness murmured loudly enough for Kaiser to hear.
Kaiser let out a dry laugh. “You're pathetic, believing based on your benefits. Right now, I could hit you and kill you, you know? Would you still believe in me? If I insult you again and treat you like trash, would you still say the same thing? All it takes is a few actions for you to be the hypocrite that you are.” Kaiser began to slowly approach Ness as the latter backed away.
“You won't, and if you do, it's for reasons you refuse to accept.” Surprisingly, his voice sounded determined. Before reaching the wall, Ness stopped. "I followed you all this time because you were my only hope for staying alive. It doesn't matter if you say you're a piece of shit and you don't deserve anything. You can do whatever you want to me, and I'll still believe in you. I'll still have the same perspective. You're not a piece of shit. You're flesh and blood like any other human being."
Ness stared at him with determined eyes, showing no sign of regret. And that was the problem, both for Ness and for Kaiser. Their entire strange relationship was based on the fact that neither of them had separated, no matter if they had gone away; there were whispers, memories, touches that lingered with every breath they took. Somehow they were still connected, as if their blood had spilled and mixed together. Even if Kaiser abandoned Ness right now, his memories would haunt him and appear in his dreams just like they did with his father.
If Ness abandoned Kaiser right now, he would try to forget him and start a family somewhere else where no one knew him, but every person he saw or met would remind him of Kaiser. Regardless of what Ness does now, it’s a consequence. It is punishment for committing blasphemy against the Lord; there is no escape, it’s impossible to do good without doing evil.
And maybe even if Kaiser leaves Ness now, Ness will pursue him. He remembers the days when Ness took care of his hair, made him breakfast, and kept track of his schedule. He let him touch and even have sharp objects around him. He trusted him from the beginning, but he never realized it. Because he never believed that anyone could treat him kindly.
Kaiser saw Ness staring at him while his hand was on his cross necklace, trembling and his eyes watering. Of course. Ness doesn't want to push him away, there's no way he would.
Kaiser despaired, he didn't think about it. If Ness pushed him away, it would prove his point, and if he didn't…
He pushed Ness against the wall and pressed his lips together.
…
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Kaiser's warmth and fiery touch drove him wild. Every touch was a reminder of sin, every kiss tasted like blasphemy against the Lord. But he didn't pull away, he didn't even think about it. Their tongues intertwined with desire and passion, a new feeling and sensation. Kaiser's lips traveled down Ness's neck and chest, his mind lost and clinging to the feeling of guilt and pleasure he had always wanted to feel. He began to hear the same chorus he heard that afternoon when he thought he had met God.
They created their own chorus with their needy moans alongside the instrumental sound of their bodies splashing, which echoed throughout the room. The room was on fire and stained with vileness. Had he ascended to hell? Was Satan beyond that door? Maybe today was Judgment Day.
God is love
He wanted more and more, so much that he could become addicted. Lust? If so, the taste of breach was stronger, and God's gaze was more intense on his skin. But he clung to the man on top of him and hugged him with all his strength, the Kaiser's hands roaming all over his body, even in places he had never touched before. It felt so good, he felt like he was in the kingdom of heaven, as if he had reached the revelation despite the perversion of the moment.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away
“...Ness.” For the first time in so long, Kaiser called his name, with such urgency, with such need, and then Ness saw him. A bright light, a being so beautiful that he was worthy of admiration, that being who comforted him in his nights of panic without even touching him, who even without his presence could calm him, that being who could save him.
He wasn't God, he was his God.
Take Delight in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Tears began to well up in his eyes, the tranquility he felt was indescribable. Michael was everything he had been unknowingly searching for, he was the one to whom he had given all his hope and devotion. He was the one who could save him from the true clutches of sin. God exists, and he was the man on top of him.
He opened his eyes and saw Michael's expression. He was crying, his tears falling in the same way that his hope fell day after day, but this time they fell on Alexis' face, as if all those flaws and memories had been purified. Michael felt soft and warm hands around his face, cradling him as if he were something divine and devoted.
The touch of a human was disgusting; he felt dirty when someone touched him, as if they were staining him more than he already was. But Alexis' touch was pure, so perfect that it couldn't dirty Michael, only clean him and wash away everything that blinded him.
Even if his brain wanted to pull away, he couldn't. He held Alexis close to his body as if he were afraid he would vanish or run away. Every minute he was with Alexis, he couldn't help but tighten his grip and do things desperately, because Alexis was disobeying his God. Michael didn't care, but maybe Alexis did. Maybe he would realize what he was doing, push him away, and he would never see him again.
Maybe it was selfish, but he couldn't allow himself to feel empty. Alexis never pushed him away, and even leaned into his touch. It burned, it burned so much that it was addictive, that he wanted him to touch him more with that delicacy of his. He didn't know why Ness hadn't pushed him away or why he continued to show himself vulnerable, but it didn't matter. Everything that had once been hidden was now out in the open. He had not only bared his body but also his soul in front of the person who had always been by his side, who had always looked at him as if he were the most precious thing in the world —Without knowing it, he had bared himself in front of him the moment Michael had allowed him to look at him—
There were no words, only broken, unfinished sentences. Because a single glance was enough to know about the other, if Alexis could save him; he would cling to him until he died and the worms could only taste the sweet flavor of Alexis.
The final orgasm came, gasps filling the room as they continued to cry. They didn't separate, Michael kept him inside and rested his head on the man beneath him, seeking more comfort than he had been given and which he would always be greedy for. Their bodies fit together perfectly as if they were meant to be one, as if they had no reason to separate.
Sunlight streamed through the window and hit them like a silent acceptance, their foreheads touching like a definitive promise.
“Alexis, do you believe in God?”
“I believe in you, Michael.”
Maybe he should start believing, believing in the miracle that was in front of him, embracing him as if it were the last time.
They were sinners to the God of the Bible that everyone clung to day and night, but in Michael and Alexis' world, they were followers of their own religion. Destined to live against human morality and escape forever.
The forgotten cross necklace on the floor represented indecency and the eyes of God that couldn’t look away from the great gaze of sin.