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Occtis wasn’t hiding.
There were just a lot of people. A lot of people with a lot of emotions. Bolaire and Murray arguing about universal constants, and Julien’s rage, and Aranessa’s grasping hope, and Thaisha glad that he wasn’t dead— A lot of people that were glad he wasn’t dead, except he was, and he didn’t really know how to break it to them that he was definitely not alive anymore, and that isn’t something you can fix.
This was more a case of reusing parts for something new, even though he didn’t feel new?
He felt broken.
Parts, parts was the right word.
“Occtis?”
Occtis could see Azune’s concerned face perfectly from the shadows of the old winecellar. Azune was looking around blindly.
Because he can’t see in the dark. Occtis could see in the dark.
Since when?
Since he died and kept moving obviously.
Azune flinched when their eyes met. Light suddenly spilled from his hand, and Occtis’s eyes didn’t sting.
“Hey,” Azune said carefully. He glanced behind him and then closed the door, carefully moving down the stairs, a little bit closer. “Are you…”
“Alright?” Occtis asked. He tried not to be sarcastic, but he was definitely being sarcastic. He had picked it up traveling with Thaisha and thought of his siblings scolding him for it. Then he thought of his family. Then stopped thinking, so he startled when a hand squeezed his shoulder. He could still feel it, but it wasn't the same as how feeling worked. It felt far away and hot. Or did he feel cold?
Azune’s eyes were lit up by his light spell. They looked like a sunrise. Did Occtis’ eyes look different? If he could see in the dark maybe they gained a reflective qualily, like a nocturnal creature. Was that why Azune flinched? Eyes in the dark? He’d have to test when he had… when he had more time to … to figure things out.
“I’m sorry,” Azune said.
“No, it’s… I mean… none of it’s fine, but I don’t know, it’s—”
“No… I mean…” Azune trailed off. Occtis couldn’t read his expression.
“What do you mean?” he prompted gently. When he had trouble speaking it was always nice when the listener was encouraging rather than impatient.
Azune hung his head. “Involving you in the plan. To save Thjazi. There was always risk, but … I didn't think it would be anything like this.”
Oh.
Occtis considered this apology. Azune had been torn up about the glyph too, hadn’t he? He was so sure that it was his failure that led to the plan not working. Now it was supposed to be his fault Occtis died too? Occtis and Thjazi?
Neither were his fault, both were Occtis’ family’s fault.
Occtis was part of his family, did that make it his fault? Or was he even part of his family anymore?
Did he want to be? Did he know how to be anything else?
“You didn’t bring me in on the plan,” Occtis said. He knew from school people didn’t appreciate it when he cut through emotion with logic about things like morality and feelings, but it felt simpler to do it that way. It was easier to look at how the chemicals reacted than it was to dip his hand in acid.
He didn’t feel like dipping his hand in acid right now.
“But I was part of the plan,” Azune argued with his own logic, which didn’t seem very logical at all. “I should have known about Casimir. I’m an Arcane Marshal, but I didn’t think twice when Thimble said he was in. I could have salvaged it if I had been thinking.”
“You trusted Thimble,” Occtis said, which both in feelings and logic was a very good choice in his opinion. “Do you blame her?”
“Of course not, but I—”
Occtis shook his head. “You’re not making sense, Azune.”
Azune peered at him. It felt like he was looking into him, trying to find some kind of understanding about him. “Maybe I’m not,” he admitted. “I didn’t mean to disturb you down here.”
“Ah, yeah, I just… needed a moment.”
Azune nodded empathetically.
“Is… okay this is weird, when I woke up I could have sworn one of my professors was there…dwarven wo—”
“Murray.”
“Not a delusion, good. Good to know. Okay.”
“Yeah, you seemed surprised about that?” Azune was trying to smile at him. The ridiculousness of his teacher hovering over him as he woke up from being dead.
“This whole day has been full of surprises to put it lightly,” Occtis replied. He was being sarcastic again. “I know we're going, and we have to go, and they'll be looking for me soon. I just… needed to not be… in the middle of it for a few seconds.”
Azune’s smile had pity in it. Occtis wasn't supposed to feel grateful for pity. A child of House Tachonis should never be insulted in such a way. To be seen as pitiable. But it actually wasn't too bad, someone looking at what had happened and seeing it not as a miracle or as a plot, but as something shitty that had happened to him that he had to live–exist with now.
“You can take a few more minutes, but not much longer,” Azune said. “The sooner you five are gone, the safer everyone will be.”
“Yeah. Yeah. I was going to… I was going to meet Thimble after.” Why was he saying this? “I promised we'd meet up again.”
“I can give her any message you want, Occtis.” Occtis didn't know what the pained expression meant. As if Azune had bit into an olive pit after he said it.
Occtis shook his head, laughing without any joy. “I don't know what I would say. Sorry I died? Sorry I couldn't meet you? Sorry I left you to hunt Casimir by yourself, I would have come? I would have helped? Maybe things would have been different if I had. If I hadn't gone with Julien would I be alive right now? Would House Royce not have been attacked?”
“This was an attack of opportunity,” Azune said. “Unplanned in the moment, but I don't doubt it was on their to do list. House Royce isn't your fault.”
“No, just my family's.”
And he was a part of his family.
Or maybe he wasn't.
“I think they're taking advantage of Thjazi's death. I think he was trying to stop them," Azune said.
That certainly felt like what the larger than life figure in his memory would be doing. Fighting evil.
So his family was evil.
Like… undeniably. All the whispers that he had written off as fear of his family's association with death. The assumption that because he was from a sundered house there was something terrible about him. Jealousy he thought, ignorance. Yes he was privileged, it didn't mean his father was evil and he was a monster.
Well, his father had slaughtered an entire household, both guards and servants. His brother had murdered him and very literally torn out his heart.
And he was still walking around.
The whole trying to takeover the afterlife and create an army of undead.
So evil. Monster. You can't argue with good evidence.
Logic over emotion.
Can he still cry? Was he crying? He should probably be crying right now.
“Occtis.”
Azune's hand isn't comforting. His voice is, if only because it pulls him away from his spiral. Everything goes a little numb again and it's a relief.
“I need to go. Julian will kill me again if I keep him waiting, right?” Occtis smiled. Azune didn't smile back. He still looked pityingly. Sad on Occtis’ behalf.
Did a monster from an evil family deserve that? Maybe that's why Tachonis' shouldn't be pitied. They didn't deserve it.
But Azune deserved his. He had had a bad couple of days too, right? Not as bad as Occtis, but he doubted there were many that could beat him in how much everything on every level hurt right now.
“I was always a spare part, there was always something wrong with me,” Occtis said, trying to sound upbeat. “Even if I didn't help with the plan, maybe they would have killed me anyway. Heh. Maybe the only difference would have been they would have felt a little sad about it when they did it. It isn't your fault. Okay?”
Azune didn't look comforted. He hadn't really done much to comfort Occtis, so he supposed that was fair, although he didn't hold it against the Arcane Marshall for trying. He appreciated it. He appreciated his pity.
Maybe there really was something wrong with him.
He remembered his lack of heartbeat. Right. There was definitely something wrong with him.
The door up the stairs opened. It was Hal. He assessed for a moment, he probably didn't know Occtis could see him.
How had he found them? Was the man's hearing really that good?
“They're ready. Do you need more time?” Hal asked. His voice was gentle. He was a gentle man, and Occtis could see why Thaisha loved him. He was even gentle to Occtis who had, in order of incident: failed to save his brother, almost got his sister-in-law killed, and was now taking the person he loved far away. Not to mention the dark premonition about the man's son.
“There is no more time,” Azune sighed. “Come. I'll get you five out of the city. I… it isn't your fault either. Alright?”
Occtis nodded. Neither of them believed it, but Thaisha was saying he needed to be more thoughtful of others' feelings. Maybe it would make Azune feel better if he pretended it wasn't all his fault.
Weirdly, it seemed he was right. Azune looked relieved.
The two headed back upstairs. Hal patted first Occtis and then Azune on the shoulder. Azune leaned into the parental gesture. Occtis didn't.
There was always something wrong with him. At least now he had an excuse as to why.