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The water poured down on your head like gushing rivers. Your shaggy hair was soaked and stickered itself onto your face.
Immediately, your legs trembled. The hairs on your arms rose up—right before they were drenched—and your teeth chattered. It's May and summer was a month or so away, but you longed for warmth. Standing under freezing water would make this shower miserable.
You reached for the valve and turned it to the left but careful enough to not position it at that direction's very end to avoid a scorching downpour. It didn't take too long for the shivering to fade away. The water blessed your skin with pleasant warmth. It was the perfect temperature. Yet, despite the balmy cascade, your head still faced the shower floor. In any other circumstance, you would've happily raised your head to fully embrace the warm water. Maybe even hum one of those songs by Jo Yu-ri. People kept saying you look just like her and you can't help but chuckle when they did; they weren't wrong after all. The resemblance is uncanny! Hell, those same people even said you sounded similar to her. And, that's where the similarities end—your singing voice was far inferior to hers, but that's okay, you weren't in a rush to be an idol. But, even if you were just as skilled as Jo, would you still be wanted as a star like hers?
Remember, you were never wanted.
Even when your parents were alive, they considered you a burden. Your earliest memories were you all alone in your room. From a young age, you learned to mind your business. You restrained yourself from speaking unless absolutely necessary. You obeyed orders to the best of your ability and if you failed, prayed for some mercy. You were a mere dog in that household—no, that wasn't right, even dogs were loved more.
And when what little of your "family" suddenly died, you were sent off to an orphanage with no fan fare. There were no aunts, uncles, grandparents or even cousins to look out for you. You were some orphaned nobody and your life at that orphanage was no better. The staff there were too occupied with other children, your peers mocked your silence, and not a single visitor considered adopting you. Then, on your 18th birthday, you aged out of that purgatory and got thrown out into the real world. You still had no luck finding companionship, even with the odd job picked up, but at least you could live independently—no, that was more of a curse; you longed for any kind of human connection. You didn't want to spend the rest of your life alone, yet alone die without someone by your side. And you silently suffered in isolation until...
Wait, was that why you fell for Myung-gi of all people?
Most people with any kind of common sense would've thought twice before dating a cryptobro (he was very upfront about his YouTube endeavors from the get go). But, here was Myung-gi being the first ever person to not only treat you with kindness, but also want to talk to you more than once. You knew it had something to do with your looks—he was the first to fall in love—but you didn't care. You were joyous to had finally found someone who loved you, platonically or otherwise. You were ecstatic for the affection-starved void in your heart to be filled up.
You met up with him a few more times, moved into his apartment, helped him edit the occasional video, cameoed in his social media posts and dated him for around a year. You didn't know better about finance back then and was painfully ignorant to the bullshit schemes that were fundamental to the foundations of cryptocurrencies, but Myung-gi sounded like he knew what he was talking about. He sounded smart. Wise. Knowledgeable. All of those rambles about investing in crypto and analyzing their market prices convinced you that he was an expert on money. This perception of his financial wisdom added to Myung-gi's charm. It helped that he was several years older than you; he would've turned 30 this year and you were around 23. Generally speaking, older people tend to be mature and knowing, but that wasn't always the case. There’ll always be people that deviated from that standard. You should've expected this. But, then again, Myung-gi fooled you with his intelligence and confidence. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop you from asking yourself if you were the bigger fool for believing everything he said.
Everything went downhill the moment he convinced you to invest in Dalmatian Coin.
Since Myung-gi said it was legit, of course you bought it. You followed him like a naive little lamb. But, this was very much a case of the blind leading the blind.
Dalmatian Coin turned out to be a complete scam. The owners of that cryptocurrency pulled a rug-pull and ran away with the money. Unfortunately, you invested a little over a million won into that damned currency and now you were left with debts that would take years at best to pay off. Your shoddy low wage jobs had no hope at paying them off within a reasonably short time period. Congratulations, you have become a slave to your preventable debt!
Oh, and as a little cherry on top of this delightful sundae, you’re also pregnant. You discovered this little fact shortly before the Dalmatian scandal and brought it up with Myung-gi. He told you to abort the child. This made lots of sense: children are notoriously expensive, Myung-gi never expressed interest in raising any, the world outside is too cruel to consider bringing new life into it, and you never made any plans to be a mother.
You were very much on board with the abortion, so what stopped you?
Clearly, it wasn’t the law because Korea legalized abortion a couple years ago. You weren’t Catholic either, or even a devout follower of any religion at all. So, what was it?
A part of you sensed that Myung-gi would leave you at some point. You brushed it off as a stubborn insecurity but that gut feeling turned out correct after he disappeared. Of course, you never want to be left alone, that’s definitely part of it but there must be more to it and not just because children would stay with you as long as you aren’t horribly abusive towards them, correct?
Dig deeper in your core and you’ll see why.
You wanted someone to love. Not in the same way as Myung-gi, but someone you’ll nurture. Someone to care for. Someone you would give the warmth and affection you never had in your childhood. Someone to prove you can break the cycle of apathy and misery.
But, isn’t this selfish and impractical? Yes, this is your body and it’s your final call, but you are far from well off to care for a child’s expenses. Do you even have the skills to ensure their emotional needs are met and that they grow up to be an actual decent human being? Are you even in the right mental state to develop these skills if they’re lacking? And also, bringing someone to the world for the sole reason of companionship does sound self-centered if one thinks about it for a few seconds. However, you are already thinking through the whole thing to the best of your abilities and making an earnest attempt to care for the baby. Any attempt is better than the indifference your parents had.
Naturally, you wanted Myung-gi to support you throughout the pregnancy. Despite the unpleasant break up you had with him over the debts you both acquired from that faux currency, he was still the father unfortunately. The least he can do is pay child support. But, as your luck couldn’t get any worst, he never picked up your calls—or responded to your texts for that matter. It’s one thing to need space after acquiring massive debt at the cost of a girlfriend, but it’s another if he hadn’t responded to you in months. Either he ghosted you or he got bludgeoned by loan sharks. Maybe both. Regardless, Myung-gi was completely unavailable. You are alone once more.
Now you are three months pregnant and stuck in a shoddy apartment. It is incredibly unlikely that your past 18-year-old self would’ve thought that this would be her future.
And your life will get worse. It’s not if, but when. You don’t know how this terrible predicament you are in would worsen but it will happen.
Even if motherhood doesn’t work out for you, you couldn’t bring yourself to abandon the baby in, say, a baby box. It would condemn them to the same lonely childhood at an orphanage that you went through. Such a repeat of history would be to cruel of you to repeat, so you are hoping that you are a good enough mother.
And will you be a good mother? Can you care for your child amidst the giant debt you had? Can you even care for yourself?
All of this overwhelming stress brought you down to the acrylic floor. The floor remained cold in spite of the warm water. You curled up into a ball as you buried your head in your knees. Your trembling lips released pained cries that echoed throughout the bathroom. Your tears blended in with the shower water; they all cascaded down your face in unison. With every cry came heavy, exhausted breaths. How long has this sorrow been built up? How long did you bottle it up? It was inevitable that the cap would be twisted open.
Yet, the water’s warmth kept your entire body from shaking. This heat gifted you some sense of companionship. The coziness it granted you a fleeting ailment for your affection-craving soul. It might as well be the closest thing you had to a hug in months. You didn’t want to leave or get up.
You stayed seated, basking in the downpour. You lifted your head a couple inches away from your knees, enough room to wipe away the blended tears off your cheeks. You took more steadier breaths as an attempt to calm yourself but the sorrow wouldn’t detach from your mind. If anything, your chest shook.
And then, little kicks graced your stomach. It seemed that your sobbing might’ve stirred up the baby. You once read somewhere that unborn babies can feel their mother’s emotions. You didn’t want your child to gain the same anguish, so you gently stroked your abdomen after leaning back a little. As you caressed, you hummed a soft melody to your child. It was loud enough to not be muffled by the shower but quiet enough that any hypothetical roommate wouldn’t overheard it. The simple lullaby was good enough for both you and the baby.
You felt a few more kicks and hoped that it meant that the baby enjoyed your humming. That little fact gave you a little smile. It didn’t overwrite the pressure you’d been facing throughout your life, but it granted you some relief that you had a moment to bond with your baby.
You remained in the shower’s embrace, with your hand on the developing baby bump. It was barely noticeable and at most looked like you merely gained a pound or two. It’ll grow eventually but you didn’t want to worry about finding maternity clothes at the moment (can you even afford them?).
Underneath the cascade, you remained silent. You were back to reflecting once more on your life. You will make this work no matter what, you thought to yourself. It’ll be difficult, it’ll be hell, but an earnest attempt would be made. You didn’t exactly know how, but you’ll figure it out.
After what felt like an eternity, you begrudgingly shut off the valve. You just remembered the water bill. You didn’t want to add onto the extensive pill of money you owe.
Already, without the cozy warmth, your body shivered.
You stood up, took a step out of the shower and wrapped yourself in a towel. Even though the water wasn’t boiling, the mirror was obscured by steam. You didn’t feel like staring in your reflection anyway, so that was a little bonus.
With a different towel, you dried your hair. Once that was done, you headed to your bedroom. You finished drying your body there and put on the most comfiest pajamas you had. These loose pajamas were a faint pastel blue and the baggy pants had little kitty cats on them.
You flopped back on your bed, not even bothering to brush your hair. Your eyes were heavy with exhaustion and it was getting late anyway.
After one last sigh, you tucked yourself under your sheets and tried your best to fall asleep as soon as possible. You knew that you would wake up to the harsh world once more and will for the rest of your life, but you hoped that your dreams would grant you some solace. Any form of escapism is better than nothing.
These nights will get heavier and sleep will become even more of a luxury.
You just hope that you could have a family to love, no matter how small it is.