Work Text:
2 June 2015
1:42am
Ewen,
Well, I’ve been here a week. I’m hoping someone’s told you where I’ve gone by now. I’m sorry I didn’t do it myself, but it was just. Well. You know I’m not good at conversations like that. You’ve seen how I handle them.
I can’t tell you exactly where I am, but Bevan knows. I want you to know that I’m safe, and that I’m doing my best to take care of myself. It’s harder without you reminding me. You always know better than me when I’m not doing a good job of that. The flat I’m in is smaller than home - they said it was temporary housing, but it’s fine for just me. I didn’t bring much with me. I don’t need much space. It would be a waste to give me a larger place, really.
It’s been difficult sleeping lately. I don't know if it’s the time difference, or just not being used to the new flat, or… Well. I don’t know quite what it is. It’s strange, having a place to myself again. I don’t know that I like it. It’s going to take some getting used to.
Yours,
Charlie
13 July 2015
12:15am
Ewen,
I’m sorry I haven’t written lately. To be honest, I don’t quite know what to say. You know I’m not good with words. I can feel you rolling your eyes at me as I say that. You’d tell me I was wrong, but we both know I’m right.
I tried making carbonara last night. I’m not sure why I thought that would be at all successful. You always made it look so easy. I broke a frying pan cooking the bacon and ended up just eating plain noodles with cheese. You’ll have to show me how to do it one day.
Jean hasn’t mentioned you lately. I hope that means you’re doing well.
Yours,
Charlie
1 August 2015
8:02am
Ewen,
I’ve been waiting to mention it, because I didn’t want to accuse you of anything before I knew for sure, but my favorite mug is missing. I suppose it was your favorite, too. You know the one. You stole it from me the day we met and I never managed to keep it in my possession for more than one cup of tea after that. I thought I had packed it, but I must have left it behind in the office. I’ll choose to believe it was me being absentminded and not you being a thief. Give you the benefit of the doubt we all know you don’t deserve.
As long as you use it, I won’t be too angry. Keep it warm for me.
Yours,
Charlie
P.S. Give Stuart my love. I’m sure he’s confused.
1 August 2015
8:15am
Ewen,
I feel like I need to clarify my earlier postscript. When I told you to give Stuart my love, I meant our cat. Not your elder brother. I’m perfectly fine with your brother thinking I’m apathetic at best about his wellbeing.
Yours (and not Stuart’s, unless it’s our cat),
Charlie
3 September 2015
11:58pm
Ewen,
I’m almost out of shampoo. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t find it here. I've been using it for so long, since you picked it out for me that one day. I’m so used to the scent. It would be odd to use anything else. It feels like a little bit of home every time I open the bottle. Like you’re still here, a bit. I know that sounds crazy. But I’m not sure I’m not going crazy without you to keep me sane.
I tried carbonara again. It was less disastrous than last time. I burned the bacon, but at least the frying pan remained intact. I need to stop catching up on Bakeoff while I’m cooking. I got distracted by the technical challenge again. You know that’s my favorite part.
I’ll try not to leave it so long between emails next time. There’s just not much going on here worth updating you about.
Yours,
Charlie
27 September 2015
12:32am
Ewen,
It’s our Stuart’s birthday tomorrow. I know you won’t forget, but please give him love from me. It’s strange, but I miss his snoring. How much I always used to worry he had an upper respiratory infection not matter how many times the vet told me sometimes cats just snore, just like people. Just like you, even though you’d never admit it.
Yours,
Charlie
13 October 2015
1:14am
Ewen, love,
Jean said you haven’t spoken to her since I left. I suppose I understand, but please don’t take it out on her. She was only doing what I asked. I was just trying not to make my leaving any harder than it had to be. I didn’t want it to become an argument. I wish it had become one. What am I saying. I don’t ever want to fight with you. But I wish we could talk. There’s nobody here for me to talk to.
Yours,
Charlie
23 October 2015
2:47am
Ewen,
I’ve been thinking about what I said in my last email, about having nobody to talk to. I don’t want you to worry about me. It’s not that I don’t have anyone. It’s just there’s nobody like you. You never make me feel silly when I go on too long or get too caught up in the details. You’re always so happy to listen, even when I know I’m probably boring you to tears. You’re the first person who ever really listened to me at all, if I think about it. I miss when we were a team. When I finally felt like my ideas were worth something. Like I was worth something.
I realize this all isn’t very encouraging. I promise I’m fine. I’m just sentimental tonight, that’s all. I miss you.
Yours,
Charlie
15 November 2015
5:46pm
Ewen,
Someone told a joke today at work I think you’d laugh at. I know I did.
What did the phylogeneticist say when he decided to change his career path?
He wanted to branch out.
It’s getting cold there. I hope you're staying warm. Get Stuart’s heating pad out of the cupboard if you haven’t yet.
Yours,
Charlie
P.S. I do mean our cat, I don’t care if your brother is cold.
23 December 2015
12:29am
Ewen, love,
It’s almost Christmas. We had a team holiday party tonight, and I stayed for a bit, but I didn’t make it long. You know I just get sleepy when I have more than two glasses of wine, and anyway, there was nobody there I really wanted to spend that much time with. They’re fine, they’re just… Well, they’re not you and the rest of the team. I miss those days in the basement. That year Jean hung fairy lights and paper chains from the pipes until Bevan came down and told her that it was a fire hazard and they needed to be removed immediately. How he felt so bad for ruining her fun that he stayed late and decorated her desk with new paper chains. She was so excited when she saw them the next morning. The little tree Hester would keep by her desk. The blanket you’d keep in your drawer that you always shared with me when it got drafty. The year you taught all of us to play dreidel. When Bevan would come down just to sneak biscuits from Hester’s desk drawer when he thought she wasn’t paying attention.
I miss you. I hope you're enjoying the holidays. You always did love an excuse to eat even more cheese than normal.
Yours,
Charlie
27 January 2016
1:02am
Ewen,
Well, it's my birthday. Victoria managed to surprise me for a visit over Christmas, which was nice, but it means I’ll be alone today. I’m getting used to being alone. It doesn’t bother me except that sometimes the flat feels too quiet. It sounds crazy, but sometimes it feels like I can almost hear your voice in the silence. Maybe it’s just that I know so well what you would say.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. Put the little party hat on our cat in my honor today. That always makes you laugh.
Yours,
Charlie
13 February 2016
7:38pm
Ewen,
Everyone in the lab was asking why I didn’t have any plans for tomorrow. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize tomorrow was Valentine’s Day. I still don’t know if they were genuinely asking or if they were trying to make fun of me. Probably the latter. That’s what people are usually doing.
Anyway, I don’t have any plans tomorrow except to finally try making the carbonara again. I’m determined to get it right one day. You were much too humble about it, it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever tried to cook. I remember the first time you made it for me. I think it was Valentine’s Day, actually, the year that we met. The first time you slept on my couch. God, that feels like so long ago and just yesterday at the same time.
Anyway, I’ll try again tomorrow.
Yours,
Charlie
15 February 2016
12:47am
Ewen, love,
I did it! I didn’t burn the bacon, the cheese didn’t clump up, the frying pan remained intact. I’m still in shock. I meant to take a photo for you, but I was so surprised (and hungry) that I totally forgot. You’d be so proud of me. I can see that shit-eating grin on your face in my head. The way you’d tell me you always knew I could do it. You always believe in me more than I do in myself. It’s why…
Anyway. I’ve had a glass of wine. I should get some sleep. I miss you.
Yours,
Charlie
29 March 2016
12:01am
Ewen, love,
Happy birthday!
I’ve been out in the field and out of contact the last few weeks. Well, it’s a desert, more than a field, I suppose. Slept in a tent and everything. We really are doing interesting work here. I can’t wait to tell you about it.
I hope you’re being celebrated like you deserve. Jean said she hasn’t seen you but she still got invited to the party Ivor was throwing. That’s nice. You deserve a party. You deserve the world.
Yours,
Charlie
P.S. Put the hat on our cat today. Laugh extra at his fury for me.
15 April 2016
5:15am
Ewen,
I’ve been thinking about the time you covered Stuart in cheese slices while he was sleeping. I don’t know what possessed you to try it, but it’s a testament to how much more he loves you that he didn’t move a muscle until I tried to place the last piece and promptly got bitten. I hope he still loves you that much. Does he still sleep on your head every night? “Warmest place in the flat because it’s so full of thoughts of your genius” you always said. Nobody ever said Ewen Montagu didn’t have an ego, but I never minded. There’s not much I mind about you.
Yours,
Charlie
P.S. The cat, obviously. I hope that doesn’t still need clarification. I will likely continue to clarify anyway.
25 May 2016
2:35am
Ewen,
It’s been a year, today. I don’t know how long they’ll need me here. It’s taken time, but everyone has finally learned my mug assignment system. They took to it much more quickly than you did, I have to say. Having one’s face on one’s own mug really is quite logical. I don’t know why you could never understand that.
We think I discovered a new variety of locust last week. It will take time to confirm, but if it is, I’m naming it after you. Charles is too common a name, and I can’t even get Jean to reliably spell Cholmondeley correctly, let alone ask the rest of the world to do so. But Montagu should be simple enough.
Jean mentioned you’ve left MI5. Finally working on that script you were always talking about. I hope to hear about it one day. I hope you’re happy, whatever you’re doing.
Yours,
Charlie
27 June 2016
11:35am
Ewen,
I had to leave the office early today. My mug broke and I couldn’t get through the rest of the day without it. It wasn’t the one with my face - someone has gone and moved that and I can’t find it, so I had to bring the one you got me that had the little newt crawling out of it. Anyway, it was on the corner of my desk and I lost track of my own elbows as you know I’m prone to do, and well. It shattered. I’m hoping Jean can find a replacement. She’s so good at finding things like that on the internet, I don’t know how she does it. It won’t be the one you got me but it would at least be something. It’s the only mug I ever use at the flat. It was foolish to bring it into the office in the first place, I knew something like this would happen.
You’d tell me not to worry about it, it’s just a thing and things can be replaced, but you know I tend to worry. And it was the first gift you ever got me, not long after we met. As an apology for always stealing my mug in the office, although you were already calling it your mug by that point. I miss those days. Everything felt easier then.
Yours,
Charlie
14 July 2016
12:02pm
Ewen,
I found a record store not far from the flat I’ve been staying in. It was too difficult to have my albums shipped here - they’re so heavy, and so expensive, and I won’t be here long enough to justify all that hassle, so I got a small turntable and a few albums. Nothing fancy, but enough to get me through. I found Tapestry and Deja Vu and so many of our other favorites. It still doesn’t feel like home. I don’t know that it will ever feel like home. But the silence is a little easier now.
Yours,
Charlie
28 August 2016
4:19am
Ewen,
How do you build suspense?
Yours,
Charlie
28 August 2016
5:42pm
Ewen,
Realizing now that joke is probably funnier in person. Everyone laughed in the office this morning when someone told it. One of my coworkers, Bella, had to explain it to me. I laughed too, once she did. She’s nice. I think she’d probably get on with Jean, if they ever met.
Yours,
Charlie
19 September 2016
3:37am
Ewen,
I dreamed about you tonight. It felt so much like you were here. It was strange to wake up and realize you weren’t.
Yours,
Charlie
28 September 2016
4:02pm
Ewen,
Give Stuart (the cat, of course) my love for his birthday. I hope he's got the hat on. I hope you got him a present. I’m sure you did. I’m sure he loves it.
Yours,
Charlie
24 October 2016
12:14pm
Ewen,
I keep wanting to apologize for it being so long between emails, and then I hear your voice in my head telling me not to apologize so much. That it’s not a burden for me to be here, whatever shape that takes. Buzzing around you. Buzzing my way into your inbox. Not that I’ve ever sent any of these emails. It’s nice to write them anyway. It feels like you’re here. Like I’m talking to you.
So I won’t apologize for not writing more often. The truth is, it’s rather boring, and while I know you’d tell me none of my work is boring and you’re happy to listen to me talk about it as often as I want, we both know you do tire of hearing about it after a while. I promise I’ll remember all the key points to tell you when I see you again. And I hope I will do. One day. Even if I don’t know when that will be just yet.
Yours,
Charlie
14 November 2016
12:02am
Ewen,
They’ve offered to send me home for Christmas this year. Jean says I should reach out, that maybe the two of us could talk, but it will be a quick trip, only a few days. Barely enough time to adjust to the time difference. And you deserve better than that. If we talk - I should say when, not if, Jean would scold me for that - I need to be fully present and you know I don’t do well when I’m tired. But it would be nice to see London again.
Yours,
Charlie
29 December 2016
11:02pm
Ewen,
I’m writing this from the airport. It really was brief visit - just enough time to see Jean and Hester and Bevan and collect a few more things from my flat. It hasn’t changed at all, which was a comfort. Even the things you left there were. Well. Exactly where you left them. Jean managed to find me a replacement for the newt mug, and I packed a few extra of my office mugs as well. I never did manage to track down the one somebody misplaced. I’ve been using a plain yellow mug for months and I have to say, something about the tea just isn’t the same. Of course, that’s always been the case, since it stopped being you making it. I can never get it quite right anymore.
Jean was babysitting Stuart while you were on holiday with Ivor - but then, of course you know that, he’s yours now more than he is mine. You’ll be thrilled to know he hates me no more than he did before, and he was very pleased with the little newt toy you’d gotten him for his birthday. He plays with it under Jean’s Christmas tree every night, when he’s not trying to eat the branches.
Yours,
Charlie
1 February 2017
11:19pm
Ewen,
Remember when I said I packed those things from the flat? I took most of those ridiculous t-shirts you’ve gotten for me over the years. It’s silly, but I wear them to sleep, and they make the nights feel a bit less lonely. I left a few at home, just in case I want them if I come back to London again, but I have most of them here with me now. They feel like home. They remind me of you. I miss you. I hope you’re doing well.
Yours,
Charlie
29 March 2017
12:11am
Ewen, love,
I just got a news alert that you signed a deal for the film! Congratulations! And on your birthday, no less, what a wonderful gift. I’m sure you’re pleased. I know I’m pleased for you. I can see the smug look on your face that you’ll get when you realize I have a Google alert set up for you. I can’t help it. I set it up when Jean said you weren't speaking to her and now I can't bare to turn it off. I want to keep up with your life as much as I can. I hope you’re enjoying the work as much you always thought you would. I hope you’re happy.
Yours,
Charlie
3 May 2017
11:02am
Ewen,
I was happy to receive your email regarding helping with your film. Unfortunately, at this time, I will have to respectfully decline. The work I’m still doing is simply too delicate to risk my name being made public or being associated with MI5 in any way. Even the research I’ve published has all been under a pseudonym. I’m sure you understand. I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours.
C. Cholmondeley
3 May 2017
12:06pm
Ewen,
I’m sorry, but I can’t help with the film. It’s just… It’s all too much, and I wouldn’t be any good at it, and I don’t think I can leave here just yet. I don’t think I’m ready to come home, and I don’t know that you even really want me there in the first place. I’d just ruin it for you. I’d do too much worrying and it would be a distraction from the work. I’m sure you’re doing just fine without me, anyway. You’ve always been destined for great things.
Yours,
Charlie
3 May 2017
10:19pm
Ewen,
I can’t. I’m sorry. I hope you understand. I love you.
Yours,
Charlie
11 November 2017
11:11pm
Ewen, love,
I’m sorry it’s been so long. It just didn’t feel right to write to you, even in my head. Not when I’d hurt you again. Jean says you’ve asked her to help instead, and I think that’s a lovely choice. She’ll keep you on track, I’m sure. She’s always been good at big ideas like that. Better than me, certainly. I tried to explain so many times. It took so many tries to figure out how to write you back. I’m sorry the email I did end up sending was so short, but I knew if I let myself go for much longer I would say something I would regret. You know how I can go on when I get nervous. I hope you don’t hate me. I’m sorry.
Yours,
Charlie
29 December 2017
5:02pm
Ewen,
Jean just left. She and Victoria both arranged to visit me for the holidays this year, except neither of them told the other, or me, that they were coming, so it was all a bit cramped in the flat, but we managed. They got on as well as I had always hoped they would. It’s the happiest this flat has felt since I moved in. They even found a little tree to decorate. Well, technically a shrub, I suppose, since it stayed in the pot and now it lives on my fire escape, but still. Something festive. “A bit of joy” Jean said. Victoria said I looked like I needed it. She also said I look awful, in the way that only your sister can get away with.
Jean said your work is going well. She didn’t talk about you much, but she said she’s enjoying what she’s doing, and your assistant is keeping you in line and on track, which is more than she was ever able to do. She’s taken quite a shine to her. Deborah, I think?
It’s quiet, now that they’re gone. The silence is odd, after a week of the two of them barely taking a moment to breathe they talked so much. You’d have enjoyed it, I think. I’m going to try turning some music on. Maybe that will help with the quiet.
Yours,
Charlie
27 January 2018
6:45pm
Ewen, love,
Do you remember my coworker Bella? I mentioned her a few emails back. Anyway, she found out it was my birthday today and she brought a small cake to share with the team at lunch. It’s the first time I’ve celebrated my birthday since I was with you. You took me to that new bug exhibit at the Natural History Museum. I still don’t know how you managed to get us in before it was even open to the public. You never cease to amaze me. I hope your work is going well. Jean said you’re due to go to Los Angeles to work on more edits for the script soon. I’m sure you’ll enjoy that process. I’m sure you’ll make yourself the star if you’re allowed, as you deserve.
Yours,
Charlie
29 March 2018
12:01am
Dear Ewen,
Happy birthday! Jean said work on the film has really picked up, and that everyone is saying it shows a lot of promise. You always knew it would be a success once it found the right audience. I’m so glad it’s working out for you. I always knew it would. I hope you’re happy.
Yours,
Charlie
1 April 2018
9:02pm
Dear Ewen,
Well, I did it. I made it through my least favorite day of the year without anyone trying to play a prank on me. I’m the butt of the joke on the best of days, so you can imagine I can’t quite believe my luck that I made it through an entire day specifically dedicated to jokes unscathed. I’m going to go to sleep now before I push my luck any further. I miss you.
Yours,
Charlie
25 May 2018
11:47pm
Dear Ewen,
Well, it’s been three years today. I was supposed to be able to come home after this. I spoke to Bevan today, and he said they’re extending my time here “indefinitely.” He said he tried his best to get me home, but unfortunately, he doesn’t get to make all the decisions, as much as he always wanted you to think that was the case (mostly because he didn't want you to think you got to make all of them). I don’t mind the work. It’s enjoyable, and it’s gotten slightly easier to deal with everyone since Bella joined the team. But I always wish I was doing the work with our team. With you. I miss you.
Yours,
Charlie
12 July 2018
9:02pm
Dear Ewen,
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit turns to the others and says, “I think I might be a typo.”
Yours,
Charlie
23 August 2018
12:19am
Dear Ewen,
I haven’t been able to sleep tonight. Someone made a joke today, and I couldn’t quite tell if they were making fun of me or not. You know how bad I am with that. I’ve been here for years and I still don’t know anyone as well as I know you. You were always so good at explaining these things to me. I wish you’d been here to explain this time. I wish you were here.
Yours,
Charlie
P.S. Jean mentioned Stuart had an upset stomach - assuming she meant our cat, stop letting him eat your scrambled eggs at breakfast. You know he can’t handle the cheese any better than you can.
5 October 2018
11:07pm
Dear Ewen,
I had to go to the record store again today. I’ve listened to my copies of our albums so many times I’ve worn them out. They had everything I wanted. The clerk at the store was reading a magazine that billed you as one of the rising stars in the film world. I’m so proud of you. I hope you’re doing well.
Yours as always,
Charlie
P.S. Realizing I missed emailing you on the occasion of the birth of one Stuart of the feline variety. I’m sure he was well-celebrated. I had an extra biscuit in his honor.
14 November 2018
6:59pm
Dear Ewen,
I realize I haven’t told you about any of my kitchen experiments in quite some time. Carbonara has become a regular in the rotation. I only burn the bacon about half the time, which is a resounding success when you consider it’s me that’s doing the cooking. I’ve tried your tomato soup a few times, and it turns out alright, but as with the carbonara, nothing is ever quite as good as when you make it. Mostly it’s frozen pizzas and frozen shepherds pie and… well, frozen anything unless I’m trying to make something you’d make for me. Easier not to muck it up when all you’re doing is putting it in the oven. I still manage, though. Not badly enough that it’s inedible, but badly enough that you’d laugh. I can hear you in my head when that happens. Like you’re standing right there in the kitchen with me, leaning on the counter, Stuart perched on your shoulder. It feels like home for a second.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
2 January 2019
8:46am
Dear Ewen,
Jean says you’re due to start filming the movie soon. She told me you’ll be in London, so still close to home. That’s nice. Stuart won’t have to be uprooted. Although I think as long as he’s with you, he’ll be happy. I know I would be.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
11 February 2019
12:02am
Dear Ewen,
I don’t know who Tub is - or if that’s even this person’s name, because it doesn’t really sound like it should be one - but wow, does Jean hate them. I hope they’re not making your life as difficult as they seem to be making hers and Deborah’s. She talks about Deborah very often now. They seem to be good friends. I hope filming is going well.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
29 March 2019
12:03am
Dear Ewen,
Happy birthday! You should be almost done filming, if I’m remembering correctly from the last time I spoke to Jean. She says she thinks you’re enjoying it but will be relieved to be done. I’m glad you are. You deserve to be happy.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
14 May 2019
12:07pm
Dear Ewen,
Jean told me Ivor is getting married. That’s wonderful news. Please give him my best. She said he’s getting a two-year-old stepdaughter out of the deal - that was her exact wording, “out of the deal” like he’d bargained for her - and he’s absolutely besotted with her. I can’t imagine Ivor with a child, although I suppose there is no better audience for long talks about shrews and voles than someone so small they can’t get away.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
24 June 2019
11:02am
Dear Ewen,
I saw the first trailer for your film today. It wasn’t long, but I can already tell it’s going to be a success. Is it overstepping for me to say you look incredibly handsome in it? I suppose not, if you’re never going to read this anyway. You fit the part of debonair spy very well. The actor playing your sidekick looked so familiar to me - have I seen him somewhere before? Please know I’ll get tickets the second they’re available. Just because I didn’t want to be involved doesn’t mean I don’t want to support you.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
11 August 2019
4:32pm
Dear Ewen,
Someone at work today told a joke I think you would enjoy. Your niece will probably find it funny too, in the way that only a small child would.
Why do ducks need feathers?
To cover up their butt quack!
That, of course, isn't true. They need feathers for insulation and flight, to start with. But Bella tells me that it’s just a pun, I’m not meant to think about it logically. She’s not anywhere near as good as you are, but she’s patient enough to explain most of the jokes to me now. She might be the only friend I have here.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
28 September 2019
12:07am
Dear Ewen,
Happy birthday to Stuart! Our cat, of course, not your brother - I don’t know when his birthday is now that I think about it, nor do I care. I hope our Stuart is still wearing that ridiculous hat you got him years ago. If not that one, because I wouldn’t be surprised if he's staged a rebellion and destroyed it by now, then a new, equally ridiculous hat that I hope to see one day.
I saw a poster for your film today. The Man Who Never Was. Such an interesting title. I can’t wait to see what it’s about. I know it comes out soon at home. I’m not sure when it will be premiering here yet, but I promise I will be the first in line to see it.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
1 November 2019
10:58pm
Dear Ewen,
I’m back in London for Christmas again this year. Same as last time, barely three days, just enough time to see Jean and the rest of my family before I have to leave to come back here. I can’t believe I’ve been here nearly five years. Jean said you’ll be with Ivor again. That’s good. I’m glad you won’t be alone. I can’t imagine it's any easier for you than it is for me. That is, assuming you aren’t seeing anyone. I suppose it’s rather presumptuous of me to assume you're not. I hope you’re happy, whatever you're doing.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
29 November 2019
6:57pm
Dear Ewen,
I saw photos from the premiere of your film today. You look so handsome. Green always was your color. It’s getting wonderful reviews. I’m not at all surprised. You always knew it would, and how could it not succeed when you believed in it so completely?
I remember you saying the same thing to me, once, about one of my more ridiculous plans. “If you don’t believe in yourself, Charlie, my genius, well, I believe in you. Let that carry you.” It worked then, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still come to mind sometimes now, when I feel like I need it. I hope you’d still believe in me. I’m so proud of you.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
26 December 2019
11:02pm
Dear Ewen,
I’m sitting with Stuart while I write this email. Jean let me stay with her while I’m in London this time - she said I’m alone enough overseas, I shouldn’t be staying in an empty flat when she has a perfectly serviceable guest room. Stuart hasn't bitten me yet, but he hasn’t ventured closer than the other side of the couch, so I suppose he’ll still have plenty of opportunities.
Your film is still playing in theaters, so Jean took me to see it tonight. She said she could get us in for free, but I insisted on paying anyway. It didn’t feel right not to.
It was wonderful, Ewen. You’re so talented. It felt so real, like the two main characters really knew each other so well. Jean told me the other actor was that Tub fellow she was always complaining about. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her hate someone that much since. Well. Since that time you snapped at her to bring you a cup of tea when she first started working with us. She told me once she almost threatened to throw it in your face, but she liked her job too much to get fired hours into her first day. I’m glad she stayed. I’m glad you two ended up working it out. We made a good team, the five of us, didn’t we? Almost as good as the one in your film.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
27 January 2020
6:15pm
Dear Ewen,
Bella remembered my birthday again this year. I told her I think I’ve finally made a friend and she said she was offended at the word “think.” So I guess I’ve made a friend. Someone moved my mug again, but I told Bella about it and she managed to track it down. I’m glad I have her. It makes the days go a little faster. It’s still quiet here, at night, but at least there’s someone I can talk to at the office now. Put our Stuart in a funny hat for me.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
15 February 2020
11:02pm
Ewen, love,
Jean said you haven’t been yourself lately. It’s starting to hit me that it’s been nearly five years since I’ve gotten to see you. Gotten to talk to you. I wonder if it’s the same for you, or if I’m giving myself too much credit. You had such a full life before you met me, and you’re doing so many wonderful things now, I’m sure I barely even cross your mind. I think about you often. I hope you’re doing well.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
29 March 2020
12:06am
Ewen, love,
Happy birthday! I spoke to Jean today, she said you’re negotiating a sequel for your film. That’s wonderful news. It certainly deserved one. Everyone at the office was talking about it when we were finally able to watch it here. I didn’t tell them I knew you. Nobody but Bella would have believed me anyway. But it made me very proud. You make me proud.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
25 May 2020
4:37am
Ewen, love,
Five years today. I can’t believe it’s been five years since I’ve seen you. At least now I can watch the film. Hear your voice somewhere other than just in my head. I’ve fallen asleep to it more than once. Not because it’s boring! I can feel you raising your eyebrows and don’t you even start. But because it’s… I don’t know. Calming, in a way. It’s nice to be able to hear your voice again, that’s all. I spoke to Bevan today, he still has no idea when he’s going to be able to bring me home.
I wish I could at least tell you what I was doing, give you some kind of reason why the work is so important I can't be spared, but, well, it’s classified. And even if I’m never sending these I shouldn’t write it down. I’m sure one day I’ll be able to tell you. I hope you’ll be as proud of me then as I am of you every day.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
14 June 2020
5:16pm
Ewen, love,
I was looking at my ceiling the other day. I don’t know if it’s the best ceiling, but it certainly is up there.
Bella told me that joke today at lunch. I thought you would laugh at it. I did too, once she explained it to me.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
1 August 2020
6:45 pm
Ewen, love,
I’m coming home! Bevan called this morning, he said he isn’t quite sure when yet, but he got the unofficial word this morning, so I’m sure the official word will come soon. I can’t wait to come home. I can't wait to see you. We have so much to talk about.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
27 November 2020
6:18am
Ewen, love,
The orders fell through. I’m not coming home now, or any time soon. I’m needed “now more than ever” apparently. Bevan said I should be flattered that I’ve become so essential to the work here. I would be, I suppose, if I didn’t want to come home so desperately. To see you again. He says I just have to be patient. Hester was there too, she swears he’s telling the truth, and I know she would never lie to me. I just wish I could come home to you.
I miss you. I love you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
30 December 2020
11:18pm
Ewen, love,
The holidays were dull again this year. Victoria came to visit for a few days, but Jean couldn’t make it. She said she’s visiting a friend in America. Victoria asked if I’ve been getting enough sleep. She says I look like I haven’t been. If I’m honest, I’m still not used to sleeping alone. I know it’s been five and a half, years and I know that probably makes me sound pathetic, but. I’ve just never gotten used to sleeping without you. It still doesn’t feel right.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
20 January 2021
11:14am
Ewen, love,
One small piece of good news - I’m at least allowed to publish my research under my own name now. The work I did up to this point will remain under the pseudonym, but anything from this point forward will be in my actual name. I’ve submitted something to the Journal of Insect Science, and if I’m lucky it will be published later this year. I’m not expecting you to read it, it’s all rather boring, but you might at least like to see my name in print. It’s a nice feeling, to know your work is being appreciated, but I’m sure you know that by now.
I saw the other day that the studio finally signed on for a sequel to your film. I’m so happy for you. I’m sure you’re thrilled. Jean was very pleased when I spoke to her about it. She said it's good for you to have something like that to focus on.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
1 March 2021
2:35pm
Ewen, love,
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma’s a pause at the end of a clause.
I laughed at that one without Bella even having to explain it to me. I thought you would laugh too. You can tell it to our Stuart - he won’t laugh, but he might headbutt you.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
29 March 2021
12:03am
Ewen, love,
Happy birthday! Jean says you're leaving for Los Angeles again soon to work on the script. I’m sure it’s lovely there this time of year. Much nicer weather than in London, that’s certain. She says working on the script again is “helping,” whatever that means. She sounded a bit worried about you, if I’m honest. I hope everything is alright. I’m glad working on this has been helpful for whatever you’re dealing with. I know writing to you is helpful for me. I wish I had the courage to send them sometimes.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
20 May 2021
3:14am
Ewen, love,
I haven’t slept a wink tonight. It’s been nearly six years. I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened, about how much I miss you and how much I want to talk to you and how fucking sorry I am for everything that happened and leaving the way I did and the fact that no matter how hard I try I can't find my way back to you and. Well. I’m in a bit of a tizz about it all if you can’t tell. The kind of thing that normally you were able to talk me out of, when we were together. So I thought writing to you might help.
It seems a bit ridiculous, to write these emails and close them without sending them. I don’t even know your email address anymore. I’m sure it’s not the same one you wrote to me from all those years ago. I could get it from Jean, I suppose, but the way she talks about you, sometimes I wonder if you’d even want to hear from me at all. She’s so reluctant to mention you, like you don’t want me to know about your new life. And I suppose I understand. I did hurt you, Ewen, I know I did. And I’m so sorry for that. I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
I spoke to Bevan again today about trying to come home - he just went quiet, but Hester said it’s “extremely unlikely” which is her very kind way of saying, well, impossible.
I wish you were here. I wish I was there. I wish I had a time machine. I wish I had you.
I miss you. I love you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
1 July 2021
6:13am
Ewen, love,
There was a stray cat outside the flat today. Fat and orange and stubborn and mean. He refused to move from my front door for so long that I had to take the fire escape to get to work. He reminded me so much of Stuart. Both your brother and the cat, in this instance. They do share certain unflattering similarities. He probably would’ve loved you, the same way our Stuart does. You shared your bagel with him one time and he was yours for life.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
18 August 2021
4:10am
Ewen, love,
Some of my work will be in the next issue of the Journal of Insect Science! I’ll make sure Jean gets a copy to you. Even if you don’t want anything to do with me, I want you to see it. I know I complain about how long I've been here and how hard it is, and that’s all true, but the work I’m doing here, the things we’re learning, the good that it’s doing - that is good work, and I wouldn’t have ever applied for this position without you giving me the confidence to think I could do it.
Jean says you’re almost done with the script for the next film, but you keep delaying it. She suggested you bring in Ivor to edit it, which I think is a fabulous idea. He has the experience, and he’s your brother, after all. After me, he’s probably one of the people that knows you best in the world. If there's anyone that can help you edit it and get it to a place you’re happy with, I’m sure it’s him.
I probably shouldn’t say I know you well, anymore. I did, once. I hope I can again. I know the you in my head, the you I write to when I’m lonely or sad or anxious or just want to tell someone a bit about my day. But that’s not the real you. I suppose I’m lying to myself by pretending it is.
I miss you. I love you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
28 September 2021
3:11pm
Ewen, love,
Happy birthday to our Stuart! I think he’s officially considered a senior citizen this year, but don’t you dare tell him I said that. He is, of course, our perfect immortal son who will never die. Jean said you bring him to your office sometimes, that he likes the big windows there. I’m glad he’s enjoying himself. I hope you are too. I hope it’s getting easier again.
Yours as always,
Charlie
21 November 2021
3:15pm
Ewen, love,
I told Bella about you today. Not everything, but a little bit. You’ve come up so much in conversation that I'm surprised she hasn't asked before today. I told her about some of our work together, about the way our Stuart loves you more than anything, the way you always cooked because I would hurt myself or the pans and could never be trusted near anything sharper than a butter knife and some days even that was a risk. The way you came into my life and you just - you made it better, Ewen. You made all of it so much better.
She said we sounded a bit like an old married couple. I just laughed at that. I didn’t need to tell her I was in love with you. That I still am. I think that much was obvious. She didn’t ask any questions, though. Just let me talk about you. It was nice to be able to do that again. I think you’d like her, if you ever get to meet her. I hope you do one day.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
27 December 2021
1:06am
Ewen, love,
I spent Christmas with Jean. She said your work on the new screenplay - she corrected me when I called it a script, I don’t know how she let me make that mistake for so long - has slowed down a lot, but she blamed it on the holiday season. She said there are so many parties and galas you have to go to that it makes sense you wouldn’t have that much time to work on it.
I hope you’re enjoying those events - I’m sure there’s plenty of new and exciting cheese there for you to try. If someone didn’t know you, they’d probably think I was speaking in some sort of ridiculous code, because the way you love cheese is quite simply like nothing I’ve ever seen before. It’s remarkable, Ewen, really. You’re remarkable.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
27 January 2022
3:13pm
Ewen, love,
Bella got everyone in the lab to sing happy birthday to me at work today. I hate being the center of attention like that, but I’ll admit that it was nice. To have someone care enough to want to make the day a little bit special. She brought cake and everything. Everyone went to happy hour after work, but I just came home. Jean wanted to call and so did Victoria, and well - it was nice of them to want to celebrate me at all, but if I’m honest, birthdays haven’t felt the same since I left. They weren’t an event until you made them one, anyway. I never felt like they were worth celebrating before that. Just another dull year. No different than the ones before. My years weren’t dull once you came into my life. You make everything so much brighter.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
3 March 2022
4:17am
Ewen, love,
I’ve been watching The West Wing again. I know how much you love this show. You used to watch it while you were knitting. Do you still do that? Knit? Watch The West Wing? I remember so many nights, sitting with you on the sofa, watching you watch it so intently, even though I know you’ve seen every episode hundreds of times by now. You know it so well you mouth the words along with the actors. I don’t know if you even know that you do that, but I noticed.
It’s more of a you show than a me show, but it makes me feel a little closer to you. A little closer to that time in our lives. It feels further away than ever. The chance of ever coming home to you feels like it’s slipping away the longer I sit here.
I miss you. I love you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
29 March 2022
12:02am
Ewen, love,
Happy birthday! Jean says you’re celebrating in the south of France this year. Going sailing somewhere, I think. That’s a wonderful way to spend a birthday. We don’t have to talk about how old you are and why this needs to be a special one. That can be our little secret, don’t you worry. I’m sure Ivor is reminding you enough as it is, I don’t need to pile on.
Jean mentioned something about your mother watching Stuart (assuming she meant our cat, although your mother still thinking your elder brother needs supervision at his age honestly wouldn’t surprise me) because he doesn’t get along with the dog. When did Jean get a dog? I talk to her more than I talk to you, and I still had no idea that happened. She never struck me as a dog person. She never struck me as a commitment person at all, if I’m honest, unless it was to her career. But people can change, I suppose, especially when you’ve been away from them for nearly a decade.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
1 June 2022
11:02pm
Ewen, love,
It was seven years this week. I miss you. I don’t know what else to say, other than that. I miss you every day. Every moment I’m awake. Half the time when I’m asleep, too. I just miss you.
I love you.
Yours always,
Charlie
8 August 2022
2:14am
Ewen, love,
That big orange cat was outside my door again today. He’s been by pretty regularly for the past few months, so today I gave him a can of tuna. Don’t worry, I rinsed it and did everything you’re supposed to do before feeding it to him. I know the rules. I haven’t forgotten.
Don’t tell anyone, especially not your younger brother, but I’ve started calling him Ivor in my head. We already have a cat named after one of your bothers, naming a second after the other just seemed fitting. And cat Ivor is much nicer than our Stuart now that I’ve started feeding him. I think he's starting to see my at least as a very competent servant, if not a friend.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
28 September 2022
12:11am
Ewen, love,
Happy birthday to our Stuart! My Ivor wasn’t around today, but I’m sure he will be soon. I’ll give him an extra sardine in our Stuart’s honor and maybe, if he lets me scratch his ears, a bit of cheese. He’s a cheese fiend, loves it almost as much as you do. I don’t think he’s quite as lactose intolerant, though. When you mainly eat trash for sustenance, you can’t be so picky. I’ve thought about trying to trap him, but he seems happy outside. And Bevan keeps saying coming home is in the cards sooner than I think - the last thing I’d want to do is bring him in and then put him through all that change again when I come home to you. I hope it’s as soon as Bevan says. I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
1 November 2022
7:19pm
Ewen, love,
Bella is going home. I’m thrilled for her, of course, she’s so excited to be able to see her family again, but I just can't help but wish it was me. I miss you and our flat and our cat and our life. I want to come home so badly. I know I told you Bevan said it was going to happen sooner than I think, and I wish I could believe him, but I’m starting to lose hope that it will ever happen. I’m starting to feel like I’ll be stuck here forever. I miss you and our home and our cat and our friends. I miss our life. I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
24 December 2022
3:25am
Ewen, love,
I’ve started taking honey in my tea, just like you always did. It’s still not quite as good as when you make it, but it feels a bit more like home. It’s silly, the little things that still make me feel close to you after all this time. Wearing those ridiculous t-shirts you got me, tea with honey instead of sugar, falling asleep to your film on the television - I don’t want to admit how often I’ve done that, or how often I’ve slept on the sofa. You’d tease me for the former and scold me for the latter. It isn’t the most comfortable, but at least it doesn’t feel as empty as my bed still feels without you in it.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
3 February 2023
4:05am
Ewen, love,
I forgot my own birthday this year. How sad is that? Nobody at work remembered, without Bella here to remind them, and you know I hate my birthday anyway. Jean and Victoria remembered, of course, and Hester, but it wasn’t until I saw the messages from them when I got home that I remembered. Oh well. There’s nothing remarkable about the passage of time, really, except that it means it’s yet another dull year without you here. They all feel the same anymore. I watched your film, made carbonara that I have to say I think even you would be impressed with, saved some of the bacon scraps to give to Ivor the cat next time I see him. It wasn’t a bad day, all in all. It just wasn’t a birthday with you.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
29 March 2023
12:03am
Ewen, love,
Happy birthday! Jean said you're going back to Los Angeles to keep working on the screenplay. She said it’s still an incredibly difficult process for you. She sounded concerned, if I’m quite honest. Like it’s more than just a bad case of writer’s block. I’m sure it’s nothing and I’m just worrying too much as usual. You know how I can get. I hope America is helpful for you.
I went back to the record store this week. I had to replace my copies of our albums again. I saw your face on a few of the magazines in the shop. You look different, but I can’t quite put my finger on why. It was good to see your face, regardless.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
26 May 2023
5:11am
Ewen, love,
Eight years today. When I left you all those years ago, I promise I never thought it would be for this long. A few years at most, but never the better part of a decade. Bevan hasn’t brought up my coming home lately, the few times we’ve spoken - I’m not sure if that’s because it’s even less of a possibility than it used to be, or because he’s just trying not to get my hopes up again, but either way, I appreciate that he’s avoiding it. Not that it’s ever easy to be so far away from everyone and everything, but talking about coming home and then never getting that chance does tend to make it harder. I hope you’re doing well in Los Angeles. I hope it feels more like home for you there than it does for me here.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
16 August 2023
3:14am
Ewen, love,
I just woke up to the strangest yowling outside of my flat. I went out to look and there was my Ivor - it looks like he has a hurt paw. I brought him in for the night because I didn’t think it was safe for him to stay on the street. He likes me enough now that he let me pick him up and carry him. I think he might have even purred a little bit. It was an odd little sound - not that I’m too familiar with how our Stuart purrs, since I didn’t get to hear it often, but that was always that low, rumbly sound. Loud, though. The way my Ivor purrs, it’s just like he’s breathing extremely hard, but you can feel it vibrating through his whole body. Anyway, he’s sleeping in my bathroom for the night. I’ll find a veterinarian to take care of him in the morning. I’m sure he’ll be just fine.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
28 September 2023
12:15am
Ewen, love,
An update on my Ivor - he had a broken paw and fleas and as many kinds of worms as are possible to contract, but we got medication for everything and he’s recovering beautifully. He’ll be ready to go to his new home soon. I’ve been fostering him while he recuperates, but we have a nice family lined up when he’s healthy enough to go home. There’s a little girl there, about five or six years old - probably about the same age as your Ivor’s daughter. He absolutely adores her already. When they came to meet him, he was just weaving in and out of her legs, purring more loudly than I've ever heard him do. I think he wanted to sit in her lap, but she was so excited she couldn’t sit down and he was so happy he couldn’t stay still. I think they’ll be very happy together. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are.
Yours as always,
Charlie
3 November 2023
6:18pm
Ewen, love,
My Ivor finally got to go home a few weeks ago. His little girl was so excited when they came to pick him up. She told me she’s going to name him Pumpkin Pie, but his middle name will be Charles in my honor. That’s quite the moniker for a rather small animal (he’s still fat, but he’s lost weight since I brought him inside and have been able to start feeding him properly). Her mother asked for my email address so they can send me photo updates, which was lovely of her. I have grown rather attached to him over the last few months. I’ll miss him now that he’s gone.
She asked me where I’d come up with the name Ivor - it’s not one you hear often, especially not for a cat. I told her about you, and our Stuart, and how it felt so fitting that my Ivor be given that name. She looked almost sad when I told her. I’m not quite sure why. I thought it was a funny little story.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
2 January 2024
11:17 am
Ewen, love,
It’s so quiet without my Ivor here. It’s been almost two months and I still haven’t gotten used to it. He didn’t really live here all that long, but those few months were the happiest I’ve been in this flat since I moved here. He can’t talk back, but it was nice to come back at the end of the day and at least have another living being somewhere in the vicinity. He never bonded with me quite like our Stuart has with you, but he’d watch me from the corridor, or sleep at the far corner of my bed or the opposite end of the sofa. A bit like he was protecting me.
I’m thinking about fostering again. I still don’t know how long I’ll be here, and I wouldn’t want to put an animal through the stress of moving, but I could handle another case like my Ivor’s. I think I’d be rather good at it, honestly. If I still haven’t gotten my orders by the spring, I’ll make some calls.
Jean says you managed to get a bit more done in Los Angeles, but there’s still a lot of work to do. That at least you’re able to move on to making casting decisions now, and unfortunately her “mortal enemy” will be returning (her words, not mine, when referring to that Tub character). I hope you’re doing well.
I miss you.
Yours as always,
Charlie
8 March 2024
3:15am
Ewen, love,
I just got a news alert that you’ve been hospitalized for exhaustion. I spoke to Bevan. We’re arranging my transfer back to London. I’m trying my best to believe that it’s true this time, that he’s not going to let me down. So I don’t know how much longer it will be, but I’ll be home soon.
The little I could glean from Ivor tells me you’re doing as well as can be expected, but he didn’t say much more than that. I’ve asked him not to tell you I called. I hope you don’t mind that I did. I worry about you, love. You’re doing too much, spreading yourself too thin. You need to take a break.
Anyway, I can scold you when I see you. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I love you.
Yours always,
Charlie
29 March 2024
12:03am
Ewen, love,
It’s your birthday today. I hope it’s a happy one. Ivor says you’ve just been released from the hospital and you’ll be staying with him for a while. That’s a smart decision. I’m sure he’ll make sure you’re well taken care of. He said you enjoy spending time with Rowna, that our Stuart loves her too. He must just have an innate affection for the Montagu family.
Ivor hasn’t told me much, he says it’s yours to share with me if and when you choose to, and I respect that Ewen, really I do, but it’s killing me not to know anything more than that you’re safe. I can’t help but feel like this is somehow my fault, that I shouldn’t have left you, that I should be there to take care of you. I still don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get home. There’s so much paperwork and bureaucracy, even Hester is having a nightmare of a time getting through all of it. But paperwork is a step further than we ever got before. I’m keeping the faith.
I can’t wait to see you. I’ll be home as soon as I can. I miss you. I love you.
Yours always,
Charlie
6 June 2024
5:06pm
Ewen, love,
I’ve just gotten off a call with Bevan. Still no update on when I can come home to you, just that the paperwork has been filed and he’ll call as soon as it’s time. He told me Hester spoke to you, that you sounded… I think “frail” was the word he used, but I could be wrong. I hope it’s not worse than Ivor’s letting on. He still won’t tell me much, though he is happier to hear from me than he used to be. He said he thinks you’ll want to see me, at least once, so we can talk things through. And that’s all I ask. I hope you’ll let me stay and take care of you if you need it, just stay and be near you again, talk with you and sit with you and laugh with you like we used to.
I’ll be home as soon as I can. I miss you.
Yours always,
Charlie
15 August 2024
6:14pm
Ewen, love,
I spoke with Ivor today. He says you’re strong enough to be back on your own again. That’s wonderful news. He assured me that between him and Jean and Hell and Deborah, someone will be checking in on you daily, that you won’t be left alone like that again. I’m sure that will drive your crazy, but it’s for your own benefit, at least for now. You need to make sure you’re eating and getting proper rest so you can keep recovering. We all care about you, Ewen. We all love you.
I love you. I miss you. I’ll be home as soon as I can.
Yours always,
Charlie
9 September 2024
4:32pm
Ewen love,
The orders finally came through, but it’s another six months before I can actually come home. I’m so sorry. I’m doing everything I can. I never should have left you.
Ivor says you’re doing a bit better. You know I’m not good at subtext, but he didn’t sound convinced. He said Stuart is keeping you sane. I’m hoping he meant our cat, because if he meant your elder brother, well, I don’t know if “sane” would be the correct choice of words.
I hope you’re doing well. I hope I see you soon. I love you.
Yours always,
Charlie
27 April 2025
1:02am
Ewen, love,
I’m writing this from the airport. I’m too early to even go through security yet, they won’t let me check my bags for two more hours, but I wanted to make sure I got here in plenty of time. I’ve waited long enough to get back to you, I’m not letting a missed flight or a baggage drop line be the thing that keeps me from you for even a second longer.
Jean is picking me up at the airport. She said she’d go get our Stuart from you and bring him to me once she does that. I know you’ll hate to lose him, but I do want to see him again. For as much as he hates me, I have a strange amount of affection for that cat. You can come visit him as much as you want. Or we can work out a shared custody arrangement if you don't want to spend time with me. That’s the easiest possible thing we’ll have to figure out.
I’ll call you once I get settled. It might take me a day or two to unpack and adjust to the time difference and being back home again, but I will call you. I want to see you again, Ewen. I want to talk about everything. I need to make sure you’re okay. I need to hold you, at least for a moment.
I’ll be home before you know it.
I miss you. I love you.
Yours always,
Charlie
29 April 2025
2:35am
Ewen,
I’m not sure when you’ll read this. If you’ll read this at all. I’m not sure what any of this means, to be honest. I don’t know what the future looks like, but I know I don’t want to lose you again.
You’re asleep next to me right now, for the first time in nearly a decade. You had a nightmare again, and it seemed worse than any I’ve seen. I don’t know if that’s because of the time and the distance, or if that’s the truth, but I’m sorry I left you, Ewen. I wish I could have come so much sooner. I wish I’d known how bad it was. I wish I hadn’t been so scared. I wish I wasn’t too scared to tell you that I love you even now.
You look like you haven’t been sleeping. I know you haven’t been. That much I could gather from the bits Ivor’s been willing to share. To be honest, neither have I. At least, not as well as I do when you’re here.
I don’t understand why you’re not furious with me. You have every right to be. You will be, in time, I’m sure. When the shock wears off. I’ll have to say all this to you before that happens.
I don’t know how you knew I was coming home tonight. I asked everyone not to tell you until I’d had time to recover from the jet lag. I wanted us to be able to have a proper conversation. But I’m glad you knew. I’m so glad I’m home.
As much as I knew it was the case, I don’t think I realized, fully, how much of home required you until you were here again. The flat’s felt so empty the few times I’ve been back here since I left. It feels warmer tonight. Different.
I don’t know what the next few weeks look like. Hell, I don’t even know what tomorrow looks like right now. You might very well wake up and want nothing to do with me, and I would understand that.
But until then, I am, as always
Yours,
Charlie