Work Text:
Buck was currently in his own personal hell.
A bold statement for a guy attending a perfectly lovely late thanksgiving dinner, he realised. But that didn't make it any less true. Not that he'd say that statement out loud lest Hen or Karen, the evening's hosts , overheard and hired a Tiktok witch to curse him for it like they did the neighbour who put up a pro-Trump sign (and look, it can't have been a coincidence that her slow cooker exploded whilst she was at work a few days later).
Buck had enough bad luck already, thank you very much.
So he would, as any polite guest should, keep his descent into the flames tucked up tight inside.
There was still some mercy in the universe though as his sister and Chimney were running late and thus Maddie wasn't here to witness his current undoing.
Why was this particular dinner party hell on earth? Bobby's ever heavy absence for one but really that was a constant ache behind his breast bone these days. Can't blame the party for that one, and he only blamed himself once a day now so, yay to progress.
No, the more pressing issue was currently hugging the hosts by the front door an only slightly sulky curly haired teenager in tow.
Buck had known many versions of Eddie since they'd met. But he'd never known this. And this was going to send him to an early grave, looked like the universe was finally going to sink its claws in permanently.
Because Eddie, who wore tidy button up shirts and Henleys. Eddie, who wore sturdy lace up boots, always polished and clean. Eddie, who every day since they met (bar the year he'd buzzed his hair short, joined an illegal fight club and gotten arrested for punching a guy - who totally deserved it if you asked Buck) had had his hair gelled neatly to within an inch of it's life. That Eddie, his Eddie (not his- his exactly but - he was getting sidetracked), was currently stood in their co-worker's living room looking like sin.
His dark hair looked unkempt in a way that was just slightly too artful to not be on purpose (and he would know, it was why he himself spent longer than he cared to admit in front of the mirror in the morning so his curls would sit just right), and his oversized suit jacket was - oh, oh no. The oversized suit jacket was coming off and holy fuck, his grey knitted tank was sleeveless. Eddie Diaz. Eddie Diaz, former Army medic, silver star recipient, current LAFD firefighter and single father to (in Buck's completely unbiased opinion) the best kid in the history of kids (don't tell Jee) was wearing a sleeveless tank.
This was problematic.
Very bad for his already sketchy mental health.
Now here's the thing. And really it was a non-issue, a completely negligible little titbit - Buck was down bad for Eddie (and hadn't that been a fun realisation to have whilst watching his best friend mourn his Abuela - he'd had to debunk that particular guilt spiral with his therapist.)
And it's fine. He was fine. Totally fine.
Except now, said best friend was bee-lining towards him, his smile wide enough to show his canines in a way that made Buck's stomach swoop.
Buck planned to laugh it off, play it cool. Because he was. He was so cool. Cool as a cucumber. So totally -
“What the fuck is that?” So absolutely not cool.
“What the fuck is what?”
"Language!" came a shout from Chris where he was disappearing into the kitchen with Denny.
“That!" Buck gestured to Eddie's outfit.
“Clothes, Buck. You okay, you're looking pretty flushed there, Bud.”
Buck rolled his eyes, free hand finding his hip. “I know they’re clothes you asshole. I want to know why half of them appear to be missing.”
Eddie, looking slightly bemused and a little fond, shifted his gaze between the suit jacket now folded in the crook of his arm and the exposed skin it had left behind before looking back at Buck eyebrow raised.
He shrugged, reaching his free hand out to grab Buck's beer and steal a sip before handing it back. “Trying something new.”
“Trying something new. You? Eddie Diaz?"
"That is indeed my name." Amusement spread across his face, his cheeks were slightly red and his skin a delectable gold.
Curse Hen, Karen and their low lighting 'for ambiance' that made Eddie glow. Maybe he'd set the Tiktok witch on them.
Buck floundered, "But - you- why?"
“Well I - you know what, doesn't matter." He laid the suit jacket over the back of the sofa. "I've got to say, I was worried at first but honestly I think I am pulling. It. Off.” He mimed flicking his hair back with a laugh before waving at someone over Buck's shoulder and sliding past him with a firm pat on the back.
It was worse than hell. It was purgatory.
"RAVI!” Buck briskly walked over to where his partner (and he'd have an extra sweet treat for the personal growth involved in not grimacing at that anymore. See, Chim, he could be mature) was piling food onto his plate.
“Sup?”
Buck placed his now empty bottle down on the table and nudged the younger man with his elbow. “Why is Eddie walking around looking like - like”
Ravi let out a long suffering sigh, placing his plate down. "Like he's walked straight out of your wet dreams?"
Buck spluttered and shushed him as the younger man popped a tater tot into his mouth.
"Say it louder why don't do you." He shoved his hand over his partner's mouth as the dick went to do just that. "What did you do?" He hissed.
Ravi pointed at himself in disbelief. "Me?! He’s a grown man who can make his own decisions, what makes you think I have anything to do with it?”
“Because you always have something to do with it and -" he looked around to make sure everyone else was busy, "you're the only person who, you know, knows. Which I regret more and more each day, by the way."
"And I wish every day I was oblivious, but alas" - he gestures between them - "here we are."
"Seriously what did you do? You're as bad as Hen when it comes to meddling so spill."
"Am not!"
Buck merely stared him down with a single raised eyebrow.
“Okay, so this happens to be one time I was involved. He asked May and I for style advice and we helped." Without waiting for a response, Ravi grabbed his plate and left, "You're welcome by the way."
Left alone, like honing missiles, his eyes found Eddie again. And because the universe was a bitch who hated him and thus delighted in his misery, it was just in time to see him laugh. That full belly one that had him opening his mouth wide and curling in on himself which tonight meant his exposed biceps flexing -
The witch would be getting two more names to add to her list.
"You've got some drool just-" Buck slapped Hen's hand away as it neared the corner of his mouth and he shot her what he hoped was a death glare.
"I am not drooling."
"Sure you're not."
He sighed, knowing he was going to regret discussing this with her. She was far too observant and would see right through him in a second but honestly if he didn't let it out he was going to combust on the spot and whilst he may still occasionally be reckless, he did enjoy being alive. Most of the time (again, growth.)
He groaned and ran his hands through his hair "I'm just -" he gestured towards his best friend "this isn't Eddie. Eddie doesn't 'try something new'. Hen, he's had the same blender for years even though it sparks when you turn it on because Eddie Diaz doesn't do change. "
Hen bit back a laugh, he appreciated the effort. Somewhat.
"And he'd never ask Ravi of all people for advice, May I get but… " He shook his head. "No something's up. I think this might be a cry for help."
"Hmm, maybe. Or -" if he wasn't presently having a nuclear level meltdown he'd maybe have noticed the knowing glint in the paramedic's eye that usually preceded meddling as she paused, "never mind.
"Or?" Buck turned to her.
She scooped green bean casserole onto her plate as she talked. "Well, maybe he just wanted to impress someone. You know, make an effort to win them over."
Buck recoiled and scoffed.
"Impress - Eddie - No, no w- he'd have said if- No." He'd been more convincing as a munchkin in his junior year production of wizard of oz.
Hen patted him on the shoulder. "You're probably right, you know him best!"
He did. Eddie was his best friend. They told each other everything. Buck would know if he wanted to impress someone. Especially if that someone was here.
Except… they hadn't really talked in a bit. Not the way they used to before Bobby, before he moved out, before Abuela. In fact, Eddie and Hen spoke more now they were together on shift.
The knowing look in Hen's eye -
Ignoring the voice that sounded a lot like his therapist's telling him to quit the self-destructive decisions (because he was well aware he wouldn't be making it out of the conversation unscathed regardless) he made his way over to where Eddie was putting his phone back in his pocket at the far end of the room.
He rubbed his hands on his slacks and swallowed.
It felt like he'd swallowed knives.
“Hey Eddie?" He moved closer and tentatively put his hand on the other man's arm. "You know you can talk to me, right?"
“Uhh-” Eddie's brows furrowed in confusion.
“and that I care about you.”
"Of course I do, Buck”
The taller man let out a deep sigh, here went nothing.
“And I know things have been - different, since I moved out and you started working with Hen. And I know I'm partially at fault because between helping Harry be ready for the Academy and babysitting Jee and Baby Nash I've not had much spare time but I will always make time for you, and Chris. Always. So if there's something you want to talk to me about you can. ”
“What-”
“Like, I know something's going on because you, Eddie Diaz, don't just 'try something new' and you'd never willingly ask Ravi for advice so whatever is going on, even if it's bad news, you can tell me. I can take it. I want to help."
“Buck-”
“I'm sorry I've been distracted especially whilst you've been grieving Abuela and helping Chris and Pepa and - if there's something wrong you can say, you don't have to like, reinvent yourself or whatever so I notice -.”
“Buck. This isn't a cry for help.”
"You don't have to lie to spare my feelings, I know I've been a poor excuse of a friend recently, and that is totally on me and my own problems -"
"Do you - not like it?" Eddie asked hesitantly.
Buck scoffed (he'd been doing that a lot this evening, he thought idly), "Eddie, please we both know you look hot as fuck right now but that is not the -"
Eddie's smile grew as he repeated back, tipping his head so their eyes met. "Hot as fuck?"
Buck ploughed on. "Yes, Eddie, with your stupid hair and your ridiculously nice arms." He cleared his throat, feeling his cheeks redden as the words registered. He shook his head and continued "Hen said - and I mean it's stupid -"
"like my hair?" Eddie bumped their shoulders together as he teased and Buck grabbed onto the familiar dynamic like a lifeline.
"Yes, keep up Diaz." He paused, "I was sure she was wrong but I mean -" he gestured at the other man's outfit as if it explained everything "so like, I wanna hear about it."
His carefully crafted and absolutely idiot proof explanation was met with confusion, which was obviously on Eddie, not him. "Hear about what Buck?"
"Whoever you're trying something new for. You said it wasn't a cry for help so- that's the only logical-"
Eddie raised a palm. "Hang on, the only reasons I might possibly try something new are because I'm mid-breakdown or what, to impress someone? What if I just wanted to try it for me?"
Buck levelled him with an unimpressed stare.
"Hey! I could!"
"You are allergic to doing things for yourself."
"Am not!"
Buck sighed and started ticking off on his fingers, "The Army, Ana, moving to Texas"
Eddie crossed his arms, brown eyes indignant (And no Buck wasn't stuck on how they turned slightly amber). "Maybe I've turned a new leaf."
"Have you?"
"Yes."
Buck hoped his continued poker face portrayed just how sceptical he was.
"I have!" Eddie shifted and crossed his arms tighter across his chest as if to shield himself. "But you're not totally wrong either."
"I knew it!" He shifted closer, forcing as much enthusiasm, however fake, into his voice as possible, and hoped this was the one time his best friend couldn't read him like an open book. "So who is she? Did you come from a date or maybe you're going after-?"
See, Buck was excellent at pretending to be fine. Pretending he wasn't dying inside. Pretending words didn't break his heart.
Eddie cleared his throat, his face flushed and bright "Uh, it's - it's a he actually."
"Oh."
Oh.
And wasn't that an uppercut to the jaw followed by a swift knife to the heart.
He'd resigned himself to being the queer cliché of pining for his straight best friend and that had been painful enough. But this, oh, this was so much worse. Not only was his straight best friend, not straight, but the guy he liked wasn't him.
Huh, it kinda felt like he was back in the tumbling waves of the tsunami.
"Is, Is that okay?" Eddie's voice was quiet, wary.
"Huh?" Buck shook his head, willing his voice to stay steady even as he felt like he was being dragged under. "Yeah" - he croaked and cleared his throat, forcing a smile, "yes, of course that's okay. I just - Eddie, you-"
His gut was churning like the waves that threatened to drown him for good this time and the sour taste of bile hit his tongue.
"When did- uh?" He cut himself off unable to continue.
"A few months ago, Hen's been a great help in helping me figure myself out."
The ocean caught him.
Mayday, we're going under. He chuckled and he knew he sounded slightly hysterical but he didn't have it in him to stop it.
"Right." His eyes burned as tears raced towards his waterline. "I - uh -" He pulled Eddie into a quick but tight hug. "I'm proud of you," because as much as he might be being dragged under by the current, he would never join the list of people who made Eddie feel less than perfect. Especially when he knew how terrifying it must have been to deconstruct the well of catholic guilt thrust upon him by his upbringing. He pulled away. "I - I think Ravi needs me. I'll catch you later."
He had some self-preservation left.
"Wait, Buck-"
He didn't stop until he was outside on the swing seat the Wilsons had tucked into the corner of their backyard.
The first sob felt like it might rip him apart, shred him into pieces to be eaten by the sharks.
"You know that would've been more convincing if Ravi hadn't been mid cake slice by the front door." Eddie's voice startled him.
He should've known he'd come after him. Despite everything, they'd always shown up when the other was struggling.
Even if they were met with anger.
They had each others back.
God, he was so royally fucked with no lube in sight. This was going to hurt.
He wiped his eyes. Eddie sat down next to him, the seat swinging gently as he did so.
"I'd really like to talk to you about it." His voice was quiet, even though the garden was empty.
"Eddie, I -"
The other man continued , "I wanted to tell you as soon as I suspected but - I couldn't get my thoughts straight, pun intended,"- Buck choked on a wet snort - "and Hen has that way of just, pulling everything out of you and making things make sense. And then I had to tell Chris because I promised I wouldn't hide things anymore."
Buck clenched and unclenched his fists, forefingers finding the edge of his thumbs and picking anxiously.
"I've wanted to tell you for weeks but then everything with Abuela-" He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I know this" he waved his hand around vaguely, "will feel like I've deliberately left you out, like I don't need you, like you're replaceable. I promise you, I do need you and you aren't replaceable. And if you'd let me. I'd really really like to talk to you about it."
And call him a fucking masochist because the next word out of his mouth was:
"Sure."
Can't go lower than rock bottom right?
"So, it all started with the guy. Honestly, we had a bit of a rocky start -"
Turns out, he could. He'd found Marianna's fucking trench.
He also thought he could handle it.
He couldn't.
He was still scared of the deep waters.
Eddie was talking but Buck couldn't hear it through the roaring in his ears.
He jumped up, seat rocking in his wake. "Eddie look - I - I genuinely am super proud of you and I want nothing more than to listen and be supportive and this makes me a really shitty best friend but I just - I can't hear this right now."
Eddie stood too, crowding into his space. "Why not?"
Buck took a step backwards. Eddie followed, the toes of their shoes knocking together. "Because."
Another step backwards, like it was a dance and Eddie would follow wherever Buck led him. "Because what Buck?"
He turned.
He had to get to the side gate, then to his truck, then to his house where he could stop fighting the raging current.
A firm grip on his arm stopped him.
"Be- Please, just drop it."
Good to know he wasn't above begging.
"No. Tell me. Why?" Eddie stepped up behind him. Close enough that Buck could feel his warm breath on his neck.
And he stopped fighting.
"Because it should be me, okay?!" His voice echoed through the night as he spun back towards Eddie. His Eddie. "It should be me." He whispered shakily as his heart raged in his chest. "Oh, oh fuck. it was never - oh, oh shit, I am so sorry - I-" His best friend. His person. His person who had just come out to him. Who had made a monumental discovery about himself. Who had no doubt spend months agonising over it and all the possible implications and repercussions and he'd just made it all about him.
Again.
So much for personal growth, Evan. (And oh, that sounded too much like his Mom)
"Hey, hey you gotta breathe for me bud."
Eddie's hand had pulled his arm so Buck's palm was flat on his chest. His other hand was resting at the juncture of his neck and shoulder in the spot Buck had let him brand as his all those years ago, thumb steadily brushing his pulse point.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't -" Buck choked on the words as he forced them out, tears rolling over his cheeks. "I made it all about me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I swear. I'm-"
"Hey, look at me."
He'd rather stare at the ground thank you. Maybe if he glared hard enough it would open up and swallow him.
But of course, he should have known better by now.
Eddie dipped his head until Buck had no choice but to meet his eyes.
"Technically, this is all about you Buck."
Buck frowned. "What?"
Eddie smiled but it was tight around the edges. Nervous.
"Let me start again and I need you to listen Buck." The taller man nodded and sniffled. "Eight years ago, I met this guy. Honestly he was a cocky little shit and I was sure we'd never see eye to eye. But then he followed me into an ambulance that was ready to explode. And he hasn't stopped. Every day since then he's stepped inside the shit show that is my life and has only ever made things better."
Buck was no longer hyperventilating, but he sure as fuck wasn't breathing either.
"He doesn't see it cos his parents are raging assholes, " a strangled laugh broke past Buck's lips. It was him. Eddie was talking about him. Buck. Evan Buckley. "but he is more than enough. He's smart. He's kind. Dorky as fuck and with a mountain of partially resolved trauma that matches mine. He's everything. It took me being yet another person to physically walk away from him to see it and for that I will always be sorry."
Buck grunted in protest. Christopher would always come first. He should always come first. No matter what.
"He saw me and my son and saw people worth cherishing, worth nurturing. He saw the 118 and made us a family. It took me a while to catch up, but he was made to be cherished too. Made to be loved. And tonight I was really hoping I'd get to tell him just how much I do. Love him that is." Holy fuck, Eddie Diaz was in love with Evan Buckley. "Turns out he beat me to it. He always was smarter then me. More emotionally intelligent."
"Eddie-"
"You see, it was about you Buck. It is about you. It was always about you. I've spent years trying to find this, what we have, with other people and nothing has ever come close."
Buck couldn't tear his eyes from Eddie's.
"I love you, Evan."
Shivers shot down Buck's spine and butterflies erupted in his stomach.
The tsunami was raging around him once more but this time it was pushing him to shore.
"Say that again."
"I love you."
He smiled, "I've kind of been hopelessly pining for you for a while. Thought I was doomed to be a cliché. I also think Ravi might be genuinely plotting my demise he's so sick of me talking about you."
Eddie giggled. Eddie Diaz giggled. Because of Him. Eddie Diaz giggled because he was in love with Evan Buckley and Evan Buckley was -
"Oh fuck, I - uh - I love you too by the -"
Eddie didn’t give him the chance to finish. He grabbed the front of Buck’s shirt and pulled him in, catching a surprised laugh against his mouth.
Buck kissed back immediately and eagerly. The kiss was clumsy, mostly because he knew he was grinning like an absolute menace. His arms wrapped around Eddie’s waist, steadying him, reeling him in closer.
If he'd known kissing Eddie would feel this good he'd have risked it a lot earlier.
Probably.
Maybe.
Probably not.
When they finally broke apart, Buck’s grin was so wide it hurt.
“Wow,” he said. “Ten out of ten would kiss again. Frequently. Possibly obsessively.” (He'd absolutely fallen head first into a new hyperfixation.)
Eddie rolled his eyes, face burning in the way Buck loved. “You’re insufferable.”
“And you’re into it,” Buck said, bumping his forehead lightly against Eddie’s. “So what does that say about you?”
"That I have so much unresolved trauma."
"Ditto." He gripped the front of Eddie's top. "I'm gonna need you to stop wearing that top in public if you're not down with extremely excessive PDA."
Eddie's breath hitched, "How long do we have to stay until it's acceptable to leave?"
"I say we give it half an hour, if we leave before Maddie gets here she'll never forgive us."
"Chris is staying over with Denny. "
"Make that fifteen minutes. Maddie can deal."
"God, I love you." Eddie glanced towards the window where the rest of their chosen family was gathered, not even pretending they weren't watching. "If Ravi asks it wasn't the top, I refuse to let him be right."
"Bit late for that, he witnessed me losing my shit first hand." Buck sighed, then grimaced. "Actually, the worst part of all this is that it means Tommy was right."
Eddie pulled away with a look of disgust. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Yeah, so funny story…"