Archive of Our Own ^beta

Junior year is where dreams go to die. It means no more food from the dining hall (good or bad thing, depending on who you ask), it means upper division classes that you actually have to try in, it means trying to form a plan of what you’re going to do with your degree after graduation. It also indicates year two of Janis’s embarrassing crush. Now listen. Listen. Janis is not the type of person to have a new crush every week. It means she doesn’t see a girl in the workout class and swoons, it means she doesn’t have to deliberately not stare at a girl she sees in the studio, it means she’s not at threat of drooling all over her laptop in the library. That being said, Janis can and will walk around, tripping over her own feet because she saw a pretty girl. But that’s not a crush.

And that’s what makes Janis’s mega crush on a girl she shared two classes with in the beginning of freshman year so funny.

Regina—Janis knows her name, she’s not just a random girl that Janis sees around campus—is a dancer. Does showing up to all of the free-for-students and well advertised dance showcases count as stalking? Because Janis is yet to miss a single one since she learned that Regina dances. It’s a problem, Janis knows this. And all two of her friends tell her this constantly:

“Just talk to her, Janis.”

“You literally have nothing to lose.”

“What is wrong with you? Just say hi.”

“You’re literally so useless Janis.”

“For the love of God, Janis, the least you could do is make eye contact or whatever.”

“I’m genuinely so embarrassed on your behalf because why do you, like, fall apart whenever you even see Regina?”

“Why are you like this, you tiny freak?”

Junior year is where Janis finally attempts to speak to Regina. Maybe. Hopefully. Unless Janis freaks out. Again. And this means another year of her friends telling her that she really should do something about her crush on Regina. Especially when they both know that Regina goes to most of the art department functions, and there’s a chance that Regina already knows who Janis is.

Everything is going swimmingly, aside from the hell of move in where Cady dropped a box full of her own mugs and all of them shattered, despite the packing material. Classes are easy (for now), she has time to work on personal projects, she’s accidentally timed her schedule perfectly when she’s leaving the art building at the same time that Regina leaves the music and dance building.

At first, it’s sort of awkward. The art building has a path straight to the main walkway through campus while the one leading away from the music and dance building meanders through a small lawn. The first evening this chance encounter occurs, Janis doesn’t linger at the intersection. She’s chased home by her thoughts of “what if I just stopped and said hello?” and “it can’t really be that bad if I make a bad joke about running into each other.” It settles into a sort of routine where Janis exits her studio a little bit after Regina does (this is a complete accident, and not one of those fabricated accidents, thank you very much), and Regina looks up every time the doors clang shut. Janis offers a wave and a small grin, and puts her earbuds in. It’s enough for now.

Lunch is the only time Cady ever sees the elusive Regina George. And since her best friend is a complete and utter idiot, Cady has to take things into her own hands. Taking things into her own hands means that Cady has to talk to Regina George. But Cady Heron, professional nerd, hardly knows what Regina George looks like. And sue her, it’s hard to see a face during a dance performance (and maybe she needs glasses, but that’s between her and her optometrist).

Conspiring is not in Cady’s nature, so she schemes with Damian, the king of schemes. His schemes aren’t even that good, not better than anything Cady could come up with. His plan is to talk to Regina. That’s it. It’s so simple, almost juvenile. It’s gonna work. It has to work.

So Cady hatches a plan: she’s going to be unabashedly upfront with Regina when she sees her. While there is the risk that she embarrasses Janis and herself, the reward would be so much greater (finally making Janis shut up about how she likes Regina but won’t do anything about it).

The problem is that Regina is also a junior and lives off campus—properly off campus as in not one of the school owned apartments or the sorority houses. Regina taking lunch in the dining hall is a rare occurrence, like seeing an albino rhino at the watering hole. Still, this is the best plan.

One Instagram stalk by Damian on his “finsta,” a profile called Delly Holland that looks like it could just be some girl that goes to their school (Cady doesn’t understand why he has this, but she’s learned to not ask questions), and Cady knows exactly what Regina George looks like and how she dresses.

If Cady looks paranoid, always scanning the dining hall, then no one tells her. Theoretically, there are only so many people with long, blonde hair that go to this university, but it seems like every blonde person in the universe has congregated in the dining hall whenever Cady is getting lunch. Until one day, months into the school year, Cady spots one Regina George, sporting a leather jacket that looks like it costs more than Cady’s entire wardrobe and sunglasses that are trendy but ugly.

Social anxiety quakes in its boots as Cady approaches Regina, who seems to be waiting in line for the far too sweet orange chicken.

“Hi, Regina, right?” Cady sticks her hand out for a handshake, grinning at Regina and wow, she’s taller than Cady expected.

Without bothering to even pretend to be subtle, Regina looks her up and down, lingering on her the sparkly polish that Janis painted on her nails, before shaking Cady’s hand.

“Yeah.” The look on her face tells Cady everything she won’t say aloud: “What the fuck is this stranger doing talking to me?”

Cutting to the chase, Cady introduces herself and dives right into why she’s even existing in the same room as Regina.

“My friend Janis thinks you’re hot and, despite the encouragement, won’t even think about talking to you. Her Instagram is J-I-I-I-M-I-I-K-E,” Cady rattles on, counting the I’s in Janis’s user name, “if you’d be so polite and take a look. For my sanity, please think about asking her out if you also find her attractive. If not, please disregard me and never tell her about this because she doesn’t know I’ve done this. If you want more information, feel free to DM me, at C-H-E-R-O-N-dot-X-L-S-X on Instagram. I’ve written these down for your convenience.”

“What the fuck?”

“I’m meddling,” Cady explains, handing over a sticky note with their Instagram handles. “Janis has had a crush on you for, like, forever. You shared a class during fall semester of freshman year and she’s been crushing on you since then but hasn’t done anything about it. And so, I’m meddling.

“Just think about it, please. I am, in no way, a reflection of Janis; don’t let my actions skew your opinion of Janis. Anyways, I ought to go to class.”

Cady walks away, humming the song that’s stuck in her head. Her work here is done.

Homophobia is alive and well when Janis starts getting scheduled as a desk assistant as the closing shift at the gym front desk, leaving her trapped in the stupid gym lobby instead of walking out of the art building to sort of acknowledge Regina. Instead of working on her project, she’s doing homework for one of her stupid art history classes at the desk, scanning people in and checking equipment out. It’s a boring job but it pays well enough, so Janis will slog through it. It’s better than a real customer service job.

Her phone buzzes once, twice, and a third time with Instagram notifications, and Janis ignores what is probably Damian spamming her with Reels. After a couple more notifications, Janis picks her phone up to turn on her Do Not Disturb, when notifications from one regina.george on Instagram. Her phone jumps out of her hand and lands face down, much like she does when she realizes that she ignored Regina George sliding into her DMs.

There isn’t a world where hot girls slide into Janis’s DMs. There's no reason at all for why Regina should even know who Janis is. There’s some meddling afoot. Damian isn't discrete when he meddles, and the lack of subtlety is screaming Damian Hubbard. Instead of harassing him over text, Janis allows her rage and confusion to fester, fermenting and growing mold to become the worst IPA that even people who pretend to be pretentious by only drinking IPAs wouldn't touch. Once her shift is over, Janis storms out of the gym, across campus, and into her apartment.

“What is wrong with you, Damian?” she hollers, slamming the door.

“I didn’t do shit!” he yelps, more surprized that he’s being yelled at than anything.

“Why the hell am I being DM’d by Regina George? This has ‘Damian Hubbard’ painted on it in neon orange, dude.”

“Okay, hand to my heart, swear on my grandma’s apple cobbler, I didn’t do shit.”

“I don’t believe you, dick cheese.”

“That’s a step too far.”

At a stalemate, all Janis can do is level him with her most impressive scowl.

“Why are we yelling?” Cady says from the bathroom doorway, hair wet and laundry in her arms.

“Miss ma’am’s crush slid into her DMs and she’s not happy with it!”

“I fucking told you that I had it under control! Your ass knows what a slow burn is, right? The slow burn was just barely sparking, Damian. I didn’t need your ass to beg her to text me, dammit.”

A confession is not on the table, so Janis storms into her bedroom and slams the door closed.

Janis is pissed. She’s scowling at both Cady and Damian at all times, but Cady has no regrets. She also looks down at her phone and grins more often, so Cady truly has no regrets. At this point, Cady tunes out. It’s not her love life and not her problem. Gossip is great and all, but it’s not something she cares all that much about. On the other hand, Cady is wildly entertained by Janis who hates that she meddled, doesn't know that Cady’s the culprit, but is benefiting massively from the meddling.

Damian, to his credit, refuses to take responsibility for something he didn’t do. Janis still doesn’t believe him, which only benefits Cady. She’ll come clean eventually, but only once Janis realizes that Regina is actually flirting with her (probably, Cady doesn’t look at their messages) and Janis is too whipped to do anything about it.

If Cady believed in a god, she’d be praying every night that Regina is properly flirting with Janis, since that’s what you do when you slide into someone’s DMs. Despite trying to wash her hands of the meddling, Cady can’t stop thinking about the unintended consequences. What if Regina’s not into girls and Cady put her between a rock and a hard place confronting her about Janis? What if Regina’s the kind of girl to string people along for her own entertainment? What if Regina’s a psycho and will stalk Janis if this doesn’t go well? There's too many “what ifs” for Cady to even list, but they’ll live in the back of her mind until Regina and Janis’s story has some sort of end.

Janis’s momentous return to Redford Hall is celebrated with Regina actually talking to each other. As soon as Janis walks out of the building, Regina shouts across the lawn “Oi, art freak!”

“Oh, are bitches allowed to yell across campus now?”

“Real witty, stranger. Hey, Janis.” Regina grins, pulling her hair out of its bun. It waterfalls down her back, and Janis could have sworn that the sun peaked through the night, just to halo her in that late afternoon golden light.

“Hey, Regina.” Her name tastes fancy as her outfits always are. In all honesty, she doesn’t have any more words for Regina, struck speechless by her existence.

Janis lingers at the intersection, her wired earbuds hanging over her collar. Regina trots up and matches pace with Janis. A comfortable silence is threatening to Janis’s sanity. Janis is a rambler. She loves to fill a silence, talk about her interests, and keep her presence known by being loud. Janis being too willing to shut up and just exist in the same space as Regina already is maybe a little unnerving, but Janis loves the unsettling, practically living in the uncanny valley. Damian, Cady, and her sister are the ones who usually get to enjoy Janis’s silences.

“Hey. Text me when you get home?” Janis pokes at the end of their walk, when they part ways to their own apartments.

“Sure,” Regina says softly, something in her tone saying that she’d rather not leave. “Text me, too.”

Janis can’t be too soft, though, and she points out “bro, I live, like, 50 feet away.”

“Fuck you.”

Janis walks away, laughing. Should she have been nicer and perhaps walked Regina all the way home? Probably. She’d have liked to have departed with a kiss on the cheek—Janis doesn’t kiss until the third date and this is not a date—but it’s a nice enough walk.

When she gets to her apartment, she messages Regina. Somehow, she didn’t get Regina’s number, though.

If Janis believes hard enough, she can feel some sort of affection in the “loser.” Janis falls asleep with a smile on her face, Regina at home in her brain (though that’s not really new).

Janis seems to have forgotten about how exactly she started getting messages from Regina. Cady lays low, as casual as she always is with Janis. The problem is that Janis holds a grudge. She’ll get her revenge once Cady’s forgotten, which is never a good thing. So, her game plan remains the same: pretend like she’s too innocent to even think of anything like this. She still doesn’t follow Regina on Instagram, only thinks about Regina when Janis thinks about her, and goes on with her life as if she’d never even talked to Regina. Her guard is up, she is more aware than ever, and Janis doesn’t suspect a thing.

Cady watches her lovesick puppy of a best friend sit through movie nights on her phone, not even pretending to pay attention like she normally does. To be entirely fair, Damian and Cady are hardly paying attention to the film either, busy exchanging looks over Janis’s head and texting about how gross Janis is being (for freak’s sake, Janis, just get the girl).

Cady manages to convince Janis to actually eat lunch in the dining hall for once by whining that Janis either disappears into the studio or she’s too busy staring at her phone to gossip anymore. The guilt trip ultimately works, and Cady definitely doesn’t do a happy dance at her desk during her upper division applied math lecture.

Not that she expected anything less, but when Cady finds Janis sitting in a booth near the dish return, she’s hunched over her phone, swiping at something on screen.

“I thought we agreed ‘no devices’ during lunch,” she complains instead of greeting Janis.

“Hold on, I’m currently beating Regina at Clash Royale.”

At least it’s better than sending flirty texts?

While it’s common knowledge that Janis doesn’t care about the details of Cady’s relationship, she doesn’t complain as Cady gushes about Aaron. Since neither Janis nor Damian ever want to hear about her relationship, Janis owes her and this is a great opportunity to talk about him.

And then Cady does something that maybe she shouldn’t do, but she asks about Regina. More importantly, she asks if Janis wants her to go to the upcoming dance showcase, or if she’s planning on going alone.

“You should come. But not because I’m dragging you, but because I kinda want you to actually meet Regina. I mean, we’re not really dating, but I kinda want your judgement on her. As a person, and not my crush.”

“Sure,” Cady agrees easily, spearing a bit of spinach on her too-oily pasta.

“I really like her, Caddy. She’s sarcastic, a little bitchy, and super smart. She’s majoring in performing arts, but you probably could have told me that. And she’s so pretty, even prettier than she is on stage, somehow. She’s easy to spend time with, kinda like you, but I’m like, attracted to her and not you.”

“I’m gonna choose to not take offense to that because I know I’m also pretty, Janis.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re also pretty, that’s not news.”

Still laughing, an ominous shadow falls across their table. Looking up, the owners of said shadow are considerably less intimidating than the shadow would imply. It’s a tall girl in a blue ADPi hoodie and a shorter girl in a skirt so short that Cady doesn’t think it can really qualify as a skirt and oversized flannel that clearly doesn’t belong to her over a baby tee.

“Can we help you?” Cady asks, not unkindly, but certainly confused.

“You’re the girl that Regina’s been talking to. Janis, right?” the shorter of The Shining twins asks as they sit on opposite sides of the booth at the same time.

“Yeah, who are you?” Janis is downright rude with it, and while it’s not Cady’s preferred route, it works nonetheless.

“We’re her best friends. I’m Gretchen, that’s Karen. She hasn’t told us anything, but you’re certainly comfortable talking about her.”

“Yeah, that’ll happen when someone you’re really friends with is talking to a girl. They tell their friends about the girl. Might want to ask Regina about it yourselves.”

Cady knows Janis is mean. She’d call her a bad word, but Cady’s good about her language when her best friends aren’t. But these are Regina’s friends. Shouldn’t Janis be trying to establish a good rapport with them? That’s what Cady did when she met Aaron’s friends. It’s not her love life, so Cady doesn’t worry too much. Janis can handle herself.

“Irregardless. I’m going to let you know that you’re not good enough for Regina. You never dress well, your grades are passing at best, and being friends with who you are is practically social suicide. You’re probably just Regina’s plaything for the month, until she gets bored of you."

“Keep believing in that, champ. I’d like to hear it from Regina herself. Until then: toodles.” Janis waves her fingers and grins easily, eyes just a little too wide, looking vaguely like she’s being held hostage. Once they’ve sauntered off (seriously, their hips cannot sway like that naturally and it cannot be comfortable), Janis rolls her eyes and says “I promise, they’re not a reflection of her. Regina’s less upfront with her bitchiness.”

“Kinda like you, I think.”

“Call a spade a spade, I suppose.” Janis shrugs, picking up her burrito.

Janis feels stupid in a dress and sport coat when she realizes that no one else in the theatre is dressed up for the showcase. She has a bouquet of flowers whose plastic rustles loudly every time she accidentally kicks it, but the flowers are pretty. She knows next to nothing about dance, despite going to every showcase for the past two years, but dance is harder to pick up than sports (Janis’s sister is an athlete, the complete opposite to Janis’s intrinsic hatred of anything that makes her sweat). Cady looks very nice with her boyfriend in matching dark blue outfits for the opera that isn’t happening, but she likes to get dressed up. Janis is just as awkward as a 12 year old starting their first Minecraft Youtube channel.

Regina said to just wait in the auditorium for her, so that’s what Janis does. The plastic crinkles as Janis anxiously waits. Aaron and Cady chat idly, as if Janis was ever going to pay attention to them. Cady’s her emotional support white girl and Aaron’s just there to enjoy some dance.

Eventually, when the theatre has mostly emptied of friends and family, Regina emerges wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt for the dance program, her hair released from the complicated updo it was in for her tango performance. Her partner, Shane, follows behind her with what is definitely Regina’s duffle bag (it says her name in rhinestones). The tides of her stomach turn as the sailors formerly known as the carrots Janis had with dinner are thrown overboard. That should be her, shouldn’t it? Carrying her bag, complimenting her performance, the whole shebang, not sitting in a mostly empty auditorium with a cheap bouquet of Trader Joe’s flowers. Inadequacy bites at her heels as she turns to flee.

“Shane, this is Janis, who I was telling you about earlier. Jay, baby, this is Shane, my usual partner. He won’t tell you this, but in high school, I got him to switch from football to dance since his ass wasn’t doing much more than keeping the bench warm,” Regina announces, sliding an arm around Janis’s waist. “I like the flowers. They for me?”

“No, Caddy gave them to me as a congratulations for doing something about my crush,” Janis deadpans, unable to help herself. “Sorry. Yeah, they're for you.”

When she makes no move to hand them over, Regina takes them from Janis’s death grip and takes a sniff.

“Not too perfume-y, nice. Thanks for thinking about my allergies, princess.”

“C’mon, dude, if there’s a princess here, it’s you. Your name means queen, for fuck’s sake.”

“See, Shane? She’ll be good for me, she's just as bitchy, though more sarcastic than downright mean.”

He grins easily and a bit toothily.

“You’re not off the hook. I gotta meet her. Properly.”

“Fuck you. Fine. You're invited to Denny’s,” Regina capitulates, before turning fully to Janis and Cady. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Regina George, that’s my idiot dance partner Shane Oman. I think the former, futile football career gave him irreparable brain damage, mostly from being around that many dumbass high school boys, seeing as he has a total of three minutes across frosh, JV, and varsity football.”

“Don’t be such a dick, Reg. You're usually a better wingwoman.”

“Shania, do you really see a good hookup here? I see a lesbian and a girl with a boyfriend.”

“Need a third?” Shane asks, dropping his voice an octave and making direct eye contact with Cady, who, true to her lack of proper socialization in the Kenyan wilderness, looks appropriately disgusted.

“Bro. Don't be creepy to my girlfriend,” Aaron steps in, carefully positioning himself in front of Cady. Don’t say chivalry isn't dead.

“Chill, bro, it’s just a joke. You're more my type, anyway.”

“Sorry ‘bout him,” Regina mutters. “Unfortunately, I’m stuck with him since I've known him since we were in diapers. He’s like mycelium; won’t go away as much as I try to rid myself.”

Janis’s brain buffers, and then she asks “did you just make a Minecraft reference?”

Regina shrugs, smiling without her teeth.

“C’mon losers, I need food after that performance.”

Somehow the closest Denny’s to the school is mostly empty, people probably choosing to either go out to a real dinner or simply go out. Janis and Regina sit shoulder to shoulder in a booth, leaving Cady and Aaron to sit on the other side. Shane pulls up a chair to the end of the table and cracks open the menu immediately. Regina rolls her eyes at him, but doesn’t say anything. If the look on her face means anything, she and Janis are thinking the same thing: “ugh, teenage boys.”

Janis’s elbow knocks against Regina’s every so often, and Regina pushes back just as hard, an even more juvenile version of footsie. Regina answers Cady’s questions about herself and her dancing, not messing with Cady the way that she messed with Janis.

She fits in. Regina might not have met Damian yet, but she already fits into Janis’s life, no need to mangle her life into something that can accommodate a girlfriend. It’s a little scary. Janis doesn’t mind. She’s got the time for a girlfriend. And the emotional energy.

“Hey, Regina?” Maybe it’s not the best time to ask Regina out, but as long as she gets the girl.

“What up, Janis?” Regina turns to face Janis, her elbow resting against Janis’s and it takes a moment before Janis’s brain moves on from ‘wow, she’s so pretty.’

“I gotta go piss.” She’s a chicken and a coward and one day she’ll ask Regina out on a proper date.

“Go piss gir– oh no. I’ve been spending too much time with Damian,” Cady groans.

Janis sulks in the bathroom since she’s a liar and doesn’t actually have to go to the bathroom. Regina slides a hand across Janis’s lower back when she slides into the booth. Having finished her dinner, Regina leans back in the vinyl booth and drops a hand onto Janis’s thigh, playing with the hem of Janis’s dress. Suddenly Janis doesn’t hate the fact that she’s put herself in a dress.

Flirting is good and all, but Janis wants more than just flirting. This isn't Hinge and she's not about to ask Regina out via text (it would be easier but she can’t be a coward for the rest of her life), though, so she waits until one night when they meet at the corner to walk across campus. Rehearing lines doesn't do much because when Regina steps out of the dance building, she steals the air from Janis's lungs as efficiently as the Louvre thieves. Janis has gotten into the habit of walking Regina to her apartment, on which she swings her arms maybe a bit too much just so their hands can brush every so often.

“D’you maybe want to ask me something, Janis, or have you been suppressing the arm swinging thing and finally let yourself pump your elbows so fast you launch yourself into lower earth orbit in front of my eyes, just to have an eyewitness?”

“The fuck?”

“You heard me the first time. Get better listening comprehension.”

“Go out with me?” Why on God's green earth does she sound like a prepubescent boy?

“I’ve only been waiting for you to ask for the past two months. And I thought lesbians were supposed to move fast.”

“I like to challenge stereotypes, thank you very much,” Janis retorts.

“Yeah, stick it to the man by having a months-long talking phase. C’mon gaybo, you gotta finally focus and get the girl. She won’t wait forever, even if she finds your poor attempts at flirting amusing.”

“I'm getting the girl!” Janis shrieks indignantly. “Did I or did I not just ask you out?”

“You did so so awkwardly that I felt like I was being asked to the seventh grade Sadie Hawkins dance by a sixth grader. Once more, with feeling, Janis. I'll say yes once I'm convinced you actually want to go out with me.”

Taking a moment to ground herself outside Regina's apartment, Janis inhales deeply and commands her cells to rewrite the awkwardness gene she got from her dad when she exhales.

“Go on a date with me, Regina George. I might not have the funds like you, but I'll make a damn good first date. You like Denny's and staying out late to talk, and those are two things that I can afford. If you want, we can even go to a bad movie and make fun of it, since I know you love bad movies.”

“Confidence looks good on you," Regina says instead of voicing the implied yes, brushing imaginary dirt off Janis's jacket. “I also quite like Olive Garden, but don’t let anyone know. I have higher standards, usually, but the unlimited breadsticks are too good.”

Stalking is not what Cady expected to do with her night, not that stalking is something that Cady ever does. Sitting in Damian’s car with popcorn and sour candies, peering through the front window of an Olive Garden that they can’t even see Regina and Janis through is not what Cady wants to do with her night. To preemptively make it up to Janis, she gives her a heads up that Damian’s being insane and making them stake out the date, and hopefully it softens the blow when Cady eventually tells Janis that she’s the reason why Regina ever started talking to her.

Honestly, Cady is only in Damian’s grandma’s old car for the free food. They stopped for Raising Cane’s and are eating it while they sit and listen to Damian’s playlist playing from a bluetooth speaker since his car is so old that it has neither AUX nor bluetooth. Through a mouthful of chicken strip, Damian yammers on about his life, even though he’s already told Cady these stories, and in a faux rage that Janis didn’t tell him about her date. Janis thinking Damian did the meddling is working out in Cady’s favor, but he’s going to claim credit if she allows this notion to persist, and that’s no good.

She’ll fess up, maybe when Janis is just a little tipsy since they’ve been doing “wine nights” where Damian and Janis drink a new wine every time and Cady watches them consume alcohol.

“Caddy, look,” Damian practically shouts into Cady’s ear, ripping her out of the fantasy of Janis learning that Cady’s the culprit and laughing because it’s Cady Heron doing any sort of meddling.

Janis and Regina are walking through the parking lot, fingers laced together. They stop in what Cady can only assume to be Regina’s car (seeing as Janis still doesn’t have her license), illuminated in a soft yellow halo (thank you Olive Garden for having the considerably more aesthetic halogen lights but also curse you Olive Garden for not having energy efficient LEDs) from the street lamp. Damian truly is being a stalker since he’s pulled his phone camera up and with that scary good zoom of his, is taking a bunch of pictures of Regina leaning in and Janis meets her– Cady’s not interested in watching Janis kiss. That’s a boundary she shouldn’t be crossing—not that she should be crossing the boundary of following Janis to a date, but here she is.

Regina knows better than to lay a foundation of deceit and misdirection. She’s a bad person and cheated on both her high school boyfriends, but that does not mean that she has not changed. Part of going to college is maturing, and with that comes the knowledge that she shouldn’t start a relationship with a lie (and also the discovery that she’s just a misandrist lesbian, though she did not discover that she’s a misandrist when she slept with her three suitemates—not at the same time, you nasty freaks—that’s been a known fact since she was nine). She’d like to argue that it’s hardly a lie because Cady never told Regina to ask Janis out, just to think about it. It was more of a gentle suggestion than a demand, deal, or whatever lie Janis can possibly think of.

If Cady keeps carrying on pretending like she did not collude with Regina at all then Regina will have to take matters into her own hands, but it’s been three whole weeks, Cady’s grace period will last until they’ve been dating (unofficially, since Janis still hasn’t actually asked) for two months.

Janis said she wants to take things slow, so Regina will follow her lead, though that meant literally not going on a date for so many weeks that Regina legitimately lost count (of course she keeps count). College is a funny time because it means that there’s some people (Karen) that go out to get laid, people (Gretchen) that get into situationships that they have to avoid at parties, or people (Regina) who get are attracted to people (Janis) who seem to be dating for marriage (if Regina shared her observations with Janis, she’d object because Janis doesn’t believe in marriage, unless her future wife was a big fan, then she’d be on one knee as soon as it’s appropriate).

Lies, deception, and deceit this relationship is not, so she’ll get Cady Heron to confess her little nudge eventually, even if Regina doesn’t see it as that big of a deal. Janis may have not-yet-shared trust issues that she needs to work on, and Regina would actually like to keep dating this puritanical idiot who Regina wouldn’t be surprised if she said she wanted to wait for marriage (it took her at least two weeks to work up the courage to hold hands with Regina).

The ice, as they say, has been broken, and through one very successful first date where Janis gorged herself on endless breadsticks and then didn’t have room for her pasta, but still managed to spill red sauce on her light green top as she was stuffing herself with the pasta she didn’t have room for, she’s comfortable with the idea of planning on and asking Regina on a second date.

And that she does, less than a week after their first date. Janis is a man with a plan, and asks for Regina’s car keys one afternoon when Regina knows she should be in class.

If she thinks critically about it, Regina probably shouldn’t have let Janis have her keys during the middle of the day knowing that Janis doesn’t have her license paired with the fact that getting an Audi repaired is more money than Regina’s willing to spend at the moment. As far as she knows, the car is still in one piece, and based on the fact that license-less Janis expects her to drive tonight is a good sign.

There’s a couple things Regina could guess they’re doing based on Janis’s recommendation to dress warm, and she really hopes it’s not ice skating. Regina might be a dancer, but only on solid, not practically frictionless surfaces that aren’t cold and wet and full of evil sentiments that make dancers feel like shit.

All assumptions that Regina even attempts to make are egregiously incorrect because Janis directs her to a community center parking lot, and then tells her to pop the trunk and wait. A believer of innocent until proven guilty, Regina doesn’t scrutinize Janis in the mirror, waiting until Janis gives her some sort of sign.

Soon enough, Janis opens the door and guides Regina to her own trunk, in whatever the opposite of sinister behavior is. Waiting for them is a nest of blankets and pillows in her trunk, which faces a large white screen.

“I wanted to do a movie night at a drive in, but I know you like thrillers and they don’t show thrillers unless it’s Halloween and it’s December, so I did a thing.”

Fairy lights twinkle as Regina takes in the set up she didn’t even see in the mirrors as she drove. Words are only of so much use when Janis went out of her way to put something together specifically for Regina’s love of psychotic films.

“D’you like it?”

Regina has two options here: respond casually and keep all her street cred, or finally take initiative and bring an end to Janis’s wish to take things slow. Of course, Regina really only has one option and ambushes a Janis who is about to say something because she’s allergic to shutting up with her mouth. As expected, Janis quite literally flails for a moment, her dignity hanging onto its last thread by narrowly avoiding landing a hit on Regina. Once she has her bearings again, Regina discovers that her future girlfriend is quite a good kisser.

Kissing girls, Regina has discovered over the past two years, is so much better than kissing guys. And now she’s discovered that kissing Janis is better than kissing any other girl. This must be Janis’s comfort zone, somehow, because she slows the tempo to something languid and easy, like her native language involves a slow, confident tongue in Regina’s mouth.

“Okay, okay, as much as I would love to continue, I have an agenda that we will be sticking to!” Janis announces, a little winded, a little dazed, and a touch more than a little smug. “We’re gonna watch The Menu; hopefully you haven’t seen it yet because I don’t want to be a failure, showing you a movie you’ve already seen and don’t like.”

“I haven’t seen it yet, JJ, but you’re sure we have to stop?” A weaponized pout usually gets results, but Janis is stubborn and focused on her so-called agenda.

“Movie, and then if you want to make out, we can do it in a private place because I don’t want to get in trouble or murdered because we’re easy prey, sitting in the dark with no awareness.”

“Your mind words in mysterious ways, ‘Imi’ike. You know we’re sitting in a dark parking lot, about to watch a probably creepy movie, and you’re scared of getting murdered only if we’re making out?”

“Oh my gosh, shut up, we’re not gonna get murdered.”

“Tell that to me after you watch the movie, baby.”

Janis and horror don’t mix. She’ll watch horror movies every Halloween because Damian asks her to, but Janis doesn’t love horror, thriller, or whatever other creepy categories that movies may be placed under. Regina is a psycho and she loves the creepy psychological thriller that Janis chose, even making fun of Janis when she shrieks as one of the sous chefs stabs Ralph Fiennes's character. Regina George is the type of girl to laugh at horror movies, especially during the gory scenes, but she’s not the type of girl to listen to murder-porn true crime shows.

As soon as the movie is over, Janis packs up her projector set up at light speed while Regina laughs at how freaked out she is.

“I promise I won’t take you to a creepy culty island restaurant on a date, JJ, mostly because I know you don’t have the palate to appreciate a damn good restaurant.”

“Hey! I love food, don’t accuse me of not being able to tell when food is good.”

“Janis, I literally watched you put four different kinds of chocolate, Fruity Pebbles, popping boba, and gummy worms on a watermelon sorbet froyo. I don’t trust your palate.”

“You’re just jealous that mine’s more sophisticated than yours.”

“Get in the car so I can take you to a creepy culty island restaurant, Janis,” Regina faux sighs, clambering out of her trunk to drive back home.

“You’re literally the worst. I’m never watching a movie with you, ever again.”

“Not even an adult one?” Regina pouts, batting her eyelashes once Janis gets back in the passenger seat.

Janis misses the step into the car and just barely manages to catch herself before she face plants into the chair.

“C’mon, Reg, you can’t say shit like that to me for free.”

“Baby girl, I can say whatever I want to my girlfriend, especially if she expects to get laid.”

“I want to say something about the ethics of porn consumption but I have a feeling that’s the wrong thing to say.”

“You don't say?”

Janis insists that Regina drives to her own house instead of letting Regina drop her off at the dorm. Like a gentleman, Janis walks Regina to her front door.

“I’ll come by and clean out your car tomorrow,” Janis promises, hoping that their night doesn’t come to an end just yet.

Regina laughs, bumping shoulders with Janis.

“I don’t mind, JJ. Thanks for the free blankets.”

Janis giggles. Giggles. Janis ‘Imi’ike is not a giggler. Regina George is messing with her head.

Janis definitely kisses before the third date now that Regina decided to make out with her in a dark and empty parking lot. Standing on Regina’s front porch, Janis leans in slowly for a goodnight kiss, but the door is thrown open with the force of a hurricane.

“Regina George! Where have you been?”

“On a date, Gretch,” Regina sighs, rolling her eyes to the high heavens.

“With this cretin?”

Regina whirls around so fast that her hair hits Janis in the face.

“Gretchen Beatrice Wieners, don’t say shit about my girlfriend,” Regina snarls at who appears to be her housemate. “Go back inside.”

“What the hell?” Janis asks, her flabbers absolutely gasted.

“Ignore Gretchen, she’s got a stick up her ass after the boy she’s trying to date ghosted her for his ex. Again.”

The front door slams, and Janis re-focuses on Regina.

“I had a great time, JJ.” Regina smiles, her weirdly sharp canines on display and injecting thoughts into Janis’s brain that she shouldn’t be having on a second date (well, the teenage boy that’s in charge of her libido thinks they’re appropriate).

“Good. Can’t have you forgetting me over winter break.”

“As if a five week break could make me forget about you, my art freak.”

Peeta Mellark couldn’t disguise Janis’s blush, not with the way she smiles so wide that her nose and eyes scrunch up.

“G’night, JJ,” Regina laughs softly, kissing Janis modestly (i.e. no tongue because she’s actually a demon in disguise, not because Gretchen is probably watching in the window (Gretchen has seen worse)). “Text me when you get back.”

Stuffing her hands in her pockets as to not fist pump in celebration of her very romantic date in Regina’s view, Janis practically floats back to her dorm.

It’s time to fess up, so Cady tells Janis to meet her at the main lot and that they’ll go off campus for lunch—Cady’s treat. Her favorite place is a little cafe that does really good sandwiches, just about a mile from campus.

“What gives, Caddy?”

“Nothing, really. I mean, I sort of have something to tell you, but it’s not all that important.”

“Spill,” Janis demands as they wait in line to order lunch.

“It can wait until we’re not in line and about to order, can’t it?” Cady twirls one of her beaded bracelets around her wrist anxiously. She pays for Janis’s lunch, exactly as promised, and they sit in the corner to wait for their sandwiches.

“So, um, I kinda gently suggested to Regina that she should look you up on Instagram.”

Janis gapes for a second, and then snaps back into herself, demanding “what the fuck, Cady?”

Janis never uses her actual name. Janis, a connoisseur of nicknames who once called Cady “gorp” for a whole month because she misspelled group in a text, would rather tuck and roll out of a speeding car than call Cady by her actual name, but here she is, calling her “Cady,” and not “Caddy.”

“I promise, it’s not as bad as you think it is! I didn’t ask her to talk to you, there was no bribery going on. I just asked her to check you out and left it in her hands after that. Basically, all I did was give her your Instagram handle. The only time I’ve interacted with her—aside from the time you introduced us—was right before her showcase and it was to let me tell you.”

Cady knows Janis is mad when she doesn't say anything. She's laid her cards out, so the ball is in Janis’s court now. Instead of saying anything in anger, Janis quietly pushes her chair back and says “I’m going to take a lap.”

Janis doesn't return. Checking her location, Janis is most of the way back to campus, so Cady takes her sandwich to go and drives back to school. Janis can be hard to read when she wants to be. Shutting down is a reaction that Cady hasn’t seen before, having known Janis since junior year of high school when she moved to the states from Africa.

It’ll all blow over, Cady tells herself. Janis won’t be pissed forever, and everything will be okay at some point. Knowing Janis, she’ll need to cool off, though Cady has no idea how long that period will be.

Having a girlfriend is great, and Janis quite likes having Regina George for a girlfriend, even if she was slightly coerced into talking to Janis. She has nowhere else to go, though, so she ends up on Regina’s doorstep. Tweedle Dickhead opens the door.

“Regina! Your girlfriend is at the door!”

Tweedle Dickhead leaves the door open, and perhaps Janis is a vampire because she doesn’t enter the house (it’s just weird to enter without being invited!).

“Are you a vampire or something?” Regina snaps from somewhere in the house.

“Cady told me that she told you to ask me out.”

“Bitch, if I’m going to get influenced, it’s not going to be about a girl. I am much more liable to get influenced to buy a new lip liner.”

“We’re you ever gonna tell me?” Janis doesn’t bother trying to disguise the hurt in her voice.

“If Cady hadn’t told you before two months, then yes. It’s been about a month since I slid into your DMs, so about in a month. I was giving her the opportunity to say something, since she’s your best friend and all.”

Regina sounds like a businessman. It’s a little scary. Janis must do a really bad job keeping her expression under wraps.

“JJ. All she asked me to do is to check you out. She asked me to take a look at your Instagram with the context that you're the one who I always saw when leaving the studio and that you had a massive crush on me.”

“That’s fucked up. You didn’t think it was pertinent to tell me?”

“Janis. JJ. It’s basically the exact same thing as if she came up to me at a bar and said ‘hey, look at my friend across the room over there.’ The only thing that’s different is she gave me your Instagram.”

“You cannot possibly be defending her right now,” Janis protests loudly, rocking onto her toes where she stands in front of Regina, lounging on the sofa.

“It gave me a way to finally talk to you, dumbass! You put your earbuds in so fast and we never walked together so how the hell was I supposed to talk to you?”

Janis blinks, gaping like the salmon she was destined to be.

“C’mere, JJ.”

Janis tentatively sits on the edge of the couch, mad about every single part of this situation. Regina winds a couple fingers into Janis’s belt loops, her thumb brushing against bare skin at Janis’s waist.

“I’m still mad at you. And Cady.”

“And you can be mad, but dude. Once you’re not mad, you’re gonna see how stupid you’re being about this.”

“I’m not stupid,” Janis mumbles, petulant as Alexander Hamilton.

“Tell me that in, like, a week, JJ.”

Regina’s bedroom is pretty nice. Not as cool as Janis’s room, in her own opinion, but Janis does like the posters and pictures on her walls (though some of the horror movie posters are excessive, and for some reason Regina also has a very large poster of a horse). It’s probably way too early to be staying the night, but Janis is just in here looking at the giant horse because Regina’s letting her use the bathroom; Janis is sleeping on the couch since she doesn’t want to go back to her apartment and encounter Cady yet.

Janis also finally meets Tweedle Dumbass, in a more official way than the lunch ambush that Gretchen orchestrated a bit ago. Karen doesn’t have a stick up her ass the way Gretchen does, which is nice. She apparently doesn’t come home very often because she’s got a list of people whose places she stays over at. Good on her for getting laid regularly. Hopefully she’s not contributing to the strange rising trend of STIs on campus.

The couch is quite nice, which Janis would be willing to bet is Regina’s fault if she were a gambling man. It’s not a fold out, so Janis who is notorious for flailing in her sleep can only hope and pray to whatever gods exist that she doesn’t fall off the couch that is a little more than slightly narrower than her bed. Just for safety’s sake, Janis pushes the coffee table one Janis wingspan away from the edge of the couch. Of course Regina is the type of person who has about ten billion extra pillows, so if Janis does launch herself off the side of the couch, there's a relatively soft landing waiting for her.

Regina cackles when she sees Janis’s set up, coming back into the house after retrieving one of the extra blankets that Janis left in the car. She fully folds in half when she sees the pillow tiles on her rug, and stands up wiping tears from her eyes. She does not offer any solutions, laughing far too hard to even think about speaking a single coherent sentence.

“I’m gonna have to restrain you in bed when you finally get laid,” Regina finally says, still giggling but significantly calmer.

“I assure you, Regina, I’ll be perfectly coordinated when I’m fucking you, and if you wear me out enough, there’s no need to worry about me flailing and hitting you in the face.”

“If you hit me in your sleep, I’ll be the reason you’re falling out of bed, baby. Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the Gretchens bite!”

“What?”

“She sleepwalks, and she's been known to bite!”

Regina saunters out of the living room, clearly enjoying herself way too much.

Janis, unfortunately, cannot get off her damn phone; that’s where her girlfriend lives. She’s home for four weeks for break, and her very new, very hot, very cool girlfriend lives in the glowing radioactive box in her pocket since she won’t be seeing Regina for the next four weeks. Janis’s mother is not a fan of Janis’s evolution into a screenager.

Regina spams Janis with pictures of her miniscule dog that’s technically named Hera, but she calls the poor dog Stupid since she is a criminally dumb dog. In return, Janis hands over probably one too many photos of her cats, Lula and Atlas. She also sends pictures of her gerbil named Walter.

Instead of FaceTime dates where they fall asleep on the phone like a horribly clingy long distance couple, Regina and Janis trade movie recommendations by trying to press play on their laptops at the same time. They watch Now You See Me, Rare Exports, Now You See Me 2, Five Nights At Freddy’s, Ghostbusters, Scream, Incoming (important to note: Janis hates this movie, but if Janis had to watch it once, then Regina also has to experience the disaster), Scream 2, Ghostbusters II, Scream 3, Ghostbusters: Afterlife, Scream 4, Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, Scream 5, Do Revenge, and Scream 6. Despite Regina trying to show her how good horror movies are (or whatever she said, Janis was too busy thinking about how FaceTime doesn’t do Regina justice), Janis complains through every movie that Regina shows her that she doesn’t have her super cool, super comfortable girlfriend who has a really nice set of tits that Janis can hide in. In return, Regina promises to beat her with a pillow for that comment.

Regina’s favorite movie ever is a Finnish Christmas horror film called Rare Exports, and Janis did not need to see it. She did not need to see that many old white men with their dicks out. Her girlfriend is horribly pretty when she’s cracking up at a stupid movie about Krampus, across a slightly pixelated screen since for some reason her wifi is questionable at best on her phone but perfectly fine on her laptop. Janis spends more time watching Regina on her tiny phone screen than the idiots that are trying to blow up a frozen Krampus.

Janis’s favorite movie ever is Now You See Me 2, no offense to Isla Fisher or anything, but Lizzy Caplan’s character is funnier. And Janis is obsessed with Lula’s introduction to Atlas. Plus the heist scene is cool. She also gets twice the normal amount of Woody Harrelson, which is a benefit. The movie could do without the Lula and Jack love story, but at least even Janis’s lesbian ass can say that Dave Franco is somewhat good looking. Daniel Radcliff as the villain is funny. There’s a reason all three of her pets are named after NYSM2 characters.

When she’s not having a FaceTime movie date with her girlfriend, Janis is usually scrolling on Reels and sending all the atrocious ones to Regina. Janis’s Instagram feed is a perfect mix of absurdist humor, shitposts, fake news, and screenshots of tumblr posts that were posted on Twitter and then screenshotted and posted on Instagram.

If Janis isn’t sending Regina Reels, then she’s slowly getting better at sending flirty texts. Her mom has set a rule that phones have to be left in bedrooms during dinner after Janis literally won’t put it down to eat, too busy flirting with Regina to focus on her loco moco. Her brothers make fun of her relentlessly, but Janis has a girlfriend and they don’t, so she’s winning.

“So, you’re still mad at Caddy, huh, Janis?”

This is not the conversation Janis wants to have during one of the few breaks she has from seeing her best friends. She called Damian because he went on a date and they always debrief after his dates. The anger still simmers in her stomach; the oil burning and she hasn’t even started caramelizing her onions.

“Yeah. If you’d done it, I’d still be mad at you, too.”

“I don’t get it, man. Why? Regina said it herself, when she said that she wouldn’t have approached you otherwise.”

“Cady should have told me what she was doing,” Janis grumbles.

“Janis, babe. We’ve both been saying that we’re going to wingwoman you—and yes, I am a wingwoman, don’t even think about calling me a wingman. You, Caddy, and I know that you wouldn’t have done shit about that crush if we left you to your own devices.”

All Janis can do is scowl because they both know that Damian’s telling the truth.

Avoidance has worked well enough, at least until Janis returns from break. Because Janis can’t spend the rest of the semester avoiding her best friend and sleeping on Regina’s couch, she ends up returning to her apartment where Cady also lives. God must hate her because Cady’s standing in the kitchen when Janis enters the apartment.

“Hey, Janis,” Cady starts.

“Nope,” Janis snaps before Cady can say anything else.

Janis slams her bedroom door as hard as she can. Dramatic is Damian’s middle name, but Janis has really taken the title in the three minutes she's been back on campus.

Damian whacks the wall.

“Fuck all the way off, Damian!”

“Bitch, I didn’t even do shit to you!”

Janis takes her combat boot off and throws it at the wall. She’s not strong enough to make a dent, but it’s satisfying. She so desperately wants to pitch a fit, maybe get in a fist fight with Cady, or yell at her about betrayal and backstabbing until she loses her voice.

Stuffing her clothes into her drawers and closet, Janis keeps stomping around the apartment until the whole building knows she’s mad.

She really can’t go to Regina right now (she spent probably one too many nights on Regina’s couch), so Janis will stomp around and grumble under her breath so Cady still knows that she’s pissed off.

The kitchen transforms into a sort of cold war. There is no perestroika or glasnost, so it’s a frigid environment of glares, mumbled insults, and pleading glances (on Cady’s part). If Janis is petty, then so be it. She plays her music louder than usual in the shower, bangs her pots and pans a little bit harder when she’s cooking and washing up, and slams doors whenever she enters or exits a room.

Damian manages to stage a slight intervention by ambushing Janis while she's making lunch before class.

“Jan, you know that Cady didn't mean any harm when she talked to Regina.”

“Doesn’t mean that I’m not hurt by the fact that she went and talked to Regina without my knowledge.”

Damian sighs, poking at the burrito bowl he ordered from the dining hall.

“Both of us had been saying that we were gonna do something about your crush since we learned about it. You knew that both of us were talking about actually being your wingwoman.”

“You were cracking jokes! There was not a moment where I thought you were serious!” Janis’s voice rises to a shrill shout, desperate to defend herself.

“Okay, fair’s fair. I know that I was mostly joking, but we did also literally tell you that if we have the opportunity, we were going to at least try. And Cady gave it a shot by giving Regina your Instagram. Lucky for you, Regina reciprocated your interest. I don’t really get why you're so mad at her.”

Janis takes a moment to digest Damian’s words, knowing that Damian is living in a sort of a hell hole as a side effect of Janis’s mood.

“I can still be mad at a joke.”

“Babe, I’m not asking you to justify yourself. I get that you can be mad. But you can’t be pissed off forever. You can’t be stomping around our apartment for the rest of the year. It’s pissing me off. I have to live with your pissy attitude, and I’m getting tired of it.”

“I’ll think about it. Maybe.”

“At least stop slamming the doors, Jan. You shake my whole room when you do.”

Janis finds Cady on her bedroom floor, threading lettered beads onto elastic string. They’re supposed to be going to a concert. It’s Janis’s favorite artist and she already bought the tickets, so she’s not going to tell Cady that she can’t come (also because Janis doesn’t like to go to concerts alone).

“Can we talk, Cady?” This isn’t exactly what Janis wants to do, but honestly, she’s kind of tired of being mad at everything and everyone.

Startled, Cady loses all progress on her bracelet.

“Sure, Janis.”

On the neutral ground of the kitchen table, Janis apologizes for being a dick. Cady apologizes for keeping a secret.

“You didn't dump Regina because of it, right?”

“I’m not that stupid, Caddy,” Janis sighs, rolling her eyes. “We’re still going to Never Ever tonight, yeah?”

“Of course! I’m making bracelets right now!”

Janis’s taste in music isn’t necessarily the type where people exchange bracelets, but Never Ever leans more towards the pop-rock that Cady likes.

“Now give Caddy a hug,” she says, standing up and shimmying with her arms open.

“Fucking weirdo,” Janis mumbles as she steps into Cady’s arms.

A lie of omission is still a lie, not that Janis has trust issues. The idea that Regina is just sticking around because Cady asked her to is embedded in the many wrinkles of Janis’s brain. Regina has done nothing but keep a secret the exact reason she’s even entertaining Janis to make Janis distrust her, so Janis should just trust her girlfriend, right?

To prove that Regina actually wants to spend time with Janis, she asks Janis if she wants to run some errands. Normally Janis would say no. Who enjoys running errands? But because she hasn’t seen Regina all week (why the hell is she so busy during week one?), Janis agrees and bikes over to Regina’s house. Feeling a little like a fool, Janis waits outside for Regina to back her car out of the driveway. Regina probably sees her in a jester outfit in the rear view mirror.

Sitting in the passenger seat, Janis feels more like a kid than anything, being carted around by her mom because she couldn’t afford a babysitter. Janis isn't a fan of running errands, but here she is sitting in Regina’s crazy expensive Audi on the way to Whole Foods.

“C’mon, loser. Stop being so weird about things and hang out with me, baby,” Regina whines, pulling into the parking lot. “I wanna spend time with you.”

Typically, Janis doesn't do what she's told (what’s the fun in that?). Rather than follow her instinct to do the exact opposite of what Regina wants some Janis does actually want to spend time with her girlfriend, Janis fishes herself out of her own brain and grabs Regina a shopping cart. Chivalry cannot possibly be dead when Janis’s instinct is to be chivalrous whenever she’s around Regina. Dutifully, Janis follows Regina around the store, fantasizing about a pomegranate she had over winter break while in the produce section. Since she’s following Regina and fantasizing, of course Janis is staring hungrily at her girlfriend’s ass. She’s not horny enough to be looking at collarbones and wanting her mouth on them, at the curve of her neck and imagining burying her face there as her hands are busy elsewhere, at her incredibly sharp jawline that can probably cut diamond and wishing that she were trailing wet, open mouthed kisses. Regina’s wearing a criminally short skirt, as if she wanted Janis to stare at her ass at the store.

Janis has enough pride to say that she’s not going to drag Regina into a bathroom and have her way. If she’s properly going to have sex with anyone, not just Regina, it’s going to be in a nice, empty house—certainly not twin-xl bed when Janis’s roommates are home (a girl she hooked up with in freshman year was that bold, but Janis is not a fan of exhibitionism). But Regina looks a little too tempting in that skirt and a button up shirt that Janis is pretty sure is hers, having the vague memory that it once hung in her closet, but no recollection of any way Regina could have acquired it, aside from breaking and entering while Janis was out.

Unlike Janis, Regina is good at grocery shopping. She has a whole list, a recipe that she’s going to meal prep, and the money to buy fresh veggies (as if Janis really eats the frozen vegetables she bought at the beginning of the semester and then proceeded to forget about as soon as the freezer door closed). Never go to Costco with Janis because she will put anything interesting into the cart and revisit every sample station more than once. Regardless of Regina’s single-minded focus on her groceries, she’s easy enough to distract by “accidentally” bumping her with the cart and Janis’s inherent inability to tell certain produce apart.

When Regina gets tired of getting run over, she falls in line behind the cart with Janis, who, along with not being able to drive a cart straight, can’t walk in a straight line when sober. Janis bumps shoulders with Regina occasionally, and Regina nudges her in retaliation, just a little harder. Because Janis is predictable, she shoves back a little harder in return once, in the canned goods aisle. Inevitably, it becomes a shoving match in the snack aisle. Giggling, Janis gives a good elbow into Regina’s side, takes the cart, and scooters away. Regina George’s dignity remains intact as she chases Janis down, laughing as her groceries speed past the dairy.

Regina catches Janis during her second run past the meats with a hand in her hoodie and laughter on her tongue. The cart floats away as Regina pulls Janis into a proper hug, giggling into her hair.

Somehow, despite Janis being an annoying little fly that keeps bumping into every shelf and Regina, they manage to finish up grocery shopping. Janis is the strongest person on planet earth and she carries all the bags in for Regina in one trip.

They're not done with the errands, though! Regina has to go to the mall to pick a dress for a formal event for Shane’s professional frat, and you can’t possibly go to the mall for only one store. Janis is very good at carrying bags, so she has a small bag of new makeup products, a tiny little bag with a new pair of earrings, a bag full of UNIQLO clothes that she fully intends to steal from Regina’s closet, a bag from the boutique chocolate shop, and a garment bag with an off the shoulder navy look that is going to be wasted on Shane.

Under normal circumstances, Janis would never be caught dead at the mall. She hates people too much to be around that many people at once. Regina makes being around other people slightly less miserable with her mere presence, but there are still mysteriously sticky children, people who don’t understand the rules of the road apply to pedestrians in walkways, and someone who is definitely crop dusting all over and trying to disguise it with a very pungent floral perfume.

As per usual, Janis’s very money conscious mother’s voice is screaming in her ear about how much money she’s spending and how that compares to her regular bills, plus her current income. Janis refrains from purchasing herself anything. It’s not that she can’t afford to buy a new ring or that nice corduroy pants she saw at UNIQLO, it’s just that her mom has always been very frugal and kids pick up on their parents’ habits. Lucky for her, Regina grew up in a house where she spends her massive amounts of money that she has through both a dad with a crazy high income (he’s in luxury real estate or something) and generational wealth. Regina doesn’t even look at the price tag when she sees Janis eyeing a chunky silver ring with some sort of geometric design before she makes sure it fits and buys it and that new pair of plain, small hoops since she apparently lost one of her previous pair. It’s a small boutique shop (Regina tends to only shop at boutiques unless she cannot possibly get what she wants there and is forced to go to a chain), so Janis is certain that the price is high. Yet money is no obstacle for the Georges, and now Janis has a new ring. She also has a new pair of pants.

Regina’s uninhibited spending definitely doesn’t make Janis feel cheap with her Olive Garden and DIY drive-in dates, though this can hardly count as a date. Janis is the queen of doing it herself, though, and there’s got to be something to be said about the amount of effort she puts into the doing it herself. It’s easy for Generational Wealth George to throw money around, to show love with gifts, to buy a new dress for every formal. Regina says she doesn’t mind buying things for Janis, that she actually quite enjoys it. Janis will take her word at face value and hope that she’s not just saying this to say things.

Gift giving is a perfectly acceptable love language, and Regina George is fluent.

One day, in a couple years, Cady will hear about how Janis wants to propose to Regina. She’ll hear about how Regina essentially told Janis that she wants to marry her and that she expects Janis to propose (Regina George kneels sometime, but not for a proposal). She won’t meddle unnecessarily this time. Janis asks for help planning a proposal, as if Cady is going to be good at planning a proposal.

(Aaron did it over breakfast one day while Cady was grading a lab report for one of the sections she TAs to help pay for her masters degree. She was trying to eat her scrambled eggs and leave a comment on a really badly formatted graph when he got her attention by saying her name and nudging her knee. Right in front of her, in the privacy of their new apartment, he’s on one knee and still in his pajamas, holding a ring box and looking up with so much hope in his eyes. Of course, Cady said yes. He just couldn’t wait, despite trying to plan something romantic, and of course Cady was a sucker for that.)

Cady will tell her to do it in private while Damian will say make a big romantic scene about it. By this time, Regina and Cady will be close friends. Regina will spend her senior year getting to know Cady over mall trips, small get togethers at Regina’s house, and more late nights at Denny’s after dance performances. Cady will know that Regina wants something just for them, so she’ll lobby for something private. The two of them will go to jewelry boutiques, searching for the perfect ring. Janis will have stress dreams about Regina hating the ring she chose, but never rejecting her.

After weeks of Janis trying to find the perfect ring, Cady will meddle. Just a little.

The next time that Janis takes Cady ring shopping, Cady will gently push the idea of a cushion cut diamond. Looking at rings, Cady will point out a similar setting to the one that Regina described to her, and Janis will agree that it’s something that she’d like to see on Regina’s finger. Cady will ask Janis if she ever thought of taking Regina ring shopping and seeing what Regina wants, but Janis will say that she wants it to be a surprise. Cady will avoid meddling after this point. For good.

One day, almost a year after their engagement, Cady will make a speech at Janis and Regina’s wedding as one of Janis’s “Best Bitches” (no one was going to make her choose between Cady and Damian for best man/woman, so they’re both her best bitches). She’ll tell the gathered friends and family about Janis’s massive crush that started in freshman year and futile attempts to get over Regina George, and her decision to finally make Janis do something about the crush. She’ll talk about going to Regina’s dance showcases, always watching for Regina George, but never actually ever talking to her, not even a simple “congratulations” or a “you were very impressive.” She’ll tell everyone about how she told Regina about Janis and her crush (though not to the real extent, just that Janis had a crush), and how she gave Regina Janis’s Instagram. She’ll tell people about how she and Damian followed them to their first date, like the invasive best friends that they are. She’ll share how Janis freaked out about a second date, not knowing what to do for Regina, and how Damian and Cady gave her the idea for a cute, personalized drive-in theater. She won’t leave out how she and Janis fell out for the whole of junior year winter break, though never painting Janis in a negative light. She’ll depict Janis’s stress about picking a ring as a funny story, and finally confess to her slight amount of meddling when it came to choosing a ring, but Janis will just laugh.

When they’re sitting during the reception, not yet dancing, Janis will thank Cady for talking to Regina on that random fall day. Cady won’t gloat with an “I told you so,” just grinning knowingly. Regina will be the one to thank Cady for gently guiding Janis in her ring selection journey, saying that Cady’s the reason she finally got engaged and then married. Cady won’t take credit because she didn’t really do anything; Janis and Regina did all the work, she’s just been there for them. Damian, on the other hand, will take credit for their relationship, engagement, and even marriage, even though he was too busy to help Cady even plan Janis’s bachelorette party. Janis will call him out without remorse.