Work Text:
Passion is a strange thing, is it not?
Nothing has changed once middle school was over.
Walking by himself Rui hums on his lonely road.
Watching the laughing children pass him by he is reminded that it has been long since he did his last show. Shortly after entering his new school he has stopped. It was like snuffing out a candle, the fragile flickering inside him has been extinguished before he noticed.
Ah, life is simply miserable.
The people around him are laughing. They are ready to tackle another great day. He doesn’t remember ever being like that. Even if there were things he used to look forward to, he had never been that happy. From the moment he learned to speak people disliked him.
All he can do is make the best of his life.
But somehow, there is nothing he wishes to do anymore.
His workshop has sat untouched for nearly half a year now. While he used to burn so much for it, he can’t get himself to do much of anything. When looked at closer, many things lose their relevance. In the end everything is but inconsequential. If he stops or continues it doesn’t change anything, much less himself. He’ll be alone anyways.
As though it is a law of nature he will remain this way.
And if he looks at it all more logically, it doesn’t matter if he is alone or not. While it is in the nature of humans to seek out another, it isn’t needed. In all honesty, it is his irrational emotions running amok. If he managed to have a more detached look at it all he’d have much less problems. There even are humans that seek out the solitary life so he should be able to follow in their steps.
But with his head empty of all the ideas that used to overflow from it, he feels incomplete.
Maybe even that is fine.
Humans are incomplete creatures anyways.
Every once in a while he is being paralyzed by unknown feelings. When alone in his workshop -or anywhere else really- he finds that the air to breathe has been stolen from him as he chokes on these strange feelings.
Once again the aching seized his heart. It was stabbing him, chocking him, until his throat hurt from all the sobs he has held back thus far. The pain was so great he found himself overwhelmed as he paced around his room. He wanted to scream out, no, he needed to. He needed to voice this pain some way. And this was the only way he could muster at the moment. Alone at home he had nobody to worry or disturb. For once, he could allow himself to air out these emotions he couldn’t comprehend himself. Taking a deep breath he opened his mouth to scream but remained silent. It was then that he realized he didn’t know how to make a sound anymore.
After pushing and pushing it down, it has become unrecognizable.
The pain was omnipresent.
He had no word for it.
He had no sound to fit it.
He had no way to articulate it.
But even if he would find a way, nobody wanted to hear it. Except for his parents nobody cared after all and they would look miserable anytime he let his unhappiness shine through.
He tried his best so he doesn’t understand how nobody wants anything to do with him.
Rui doesn’t get what is so wrong with him that his very existence is being rejected by all of humanity. Not a single soul is there to stand by his side. Nobody is there to talk to, or even just listen to.
He is alone.
He is all alone.
That feeling is paralyzing him.
If life truly never changes he wants to die. It is no joke or exaggeration. He just wants to cease existing. Not only would it make the pain vanish but it would bring this pathetic play finally to its end. His useless struggles would finally be brought to their end and that in of itself feels like some kind of mercy. The inventor could no longer muster hope only for it to be crushed over and over again.
He is tired of it all. All he wants is to lie here and rot away. By now he is unable to reach his hand out anymore. He doesn’t want to try any longer. It is enough. He has put enough effort in it. It should be fine to call it quits.
Quietly he sobs to himself while being surprised he is still able to cry. But it is always like this: If something truly bad happens, he doesn’t shed a tear but at the smallest inconvenience he is left sobbing in his room or the nearest bathroom he finds. He feels like such an embarrassment.
‘Maybe one day it will end’ A part of himself hopes, but he crushes it the moment it leaves his twisted mind.
He doesn’t want to leave his home anymore.
Everything outside is evil. The world is full of people that either treat him badly or ignore his existence. If that is all there is to it he doesn’t need it.
Just one friend.
Just one friend would be enough, his broken heart whines.
If only Nene were to come back.
If only Mizuki would reach out to him again.
But they don’t need him anymore. They are probably happy now, at least he hopes they are. Mizuki has it really hard, so he hopes they have found the answer they searched for. Maybe Mizuki managed to make some friends. They are a really fun but kind person, so they should manage. And despite being shy Nene is strong as well. She has been an expert of keeping away from trouble as well so she is probably laughing with some friends she made in her class.
He could have reached out himself but he never did.
Ah, he really is greedy.
Even if he had a friend, it would probably not be enough to satisfy his hunger.
He is greedy; so incredibly greedy.
Dying doesn’t sound as bad as it should.
…
The next day Rui finds himself having the slightest bit of energy. He doesn’t want to go to school, after graduating from middle school and going to a prestigious high school he has found himself even emptier than before. At least in middle school his classmates bullied him but his new classmates don’t even bat him an eye.
Nobody wants to have anything to do with him.
At most he gets some jealous glances from some arrogant kids that have to deal with not being the best for the first time in their lives. In their small world they were able to excel at everything, being praised for their achievements. But all that did was create this ugly hunger inside them. Only the best is good enough. If you fail you are worthless.
It is kind of sad, if he thinks about. Some people tie their value to their achievements so failing is to them like the world is ending. But he guesses it is a great learning experience nevertheless. Most that are going to his school are ambitious teenagers. Competing with each other, they wish to climb to the very top. It can be fun, he supposes, but he himself cares little for such things. Maybe he should care more but he cannot bring himself to. Most of the things others value he finds himself indifferent towards. And the things he used to value were laughed at by others.
But he is weird anyways, so that tracks.
All that was going on inside his head is his passion for directing.
But even that seems to have left him.
And the pain that refuses to leave his heart.
He doesn’t care much when they get back their tests. Ah, it was already time to get their midterms back, he thinks, trying to recall when he took them again. It completely slipped his mind. It is quite embarrassing when the teacher announces his results in front of all his classmates, congratulating him and praising him for being the best of his year once again.
The spotlight is solely on him, but it burns.
He’d rather stand under another spotlight. His mental eye provides him with the image of a stage, clapping and smiling faces. Yet all of it seems too far away. It is far too hazy. It used to be much clearer and his heart used to burn with the need to do something, anything.
With a bow and a muttered (but awkward) thanks he takes the papers from her. It isn’t like he doesn’t appreciate the praise, it is nice to hear it, and he did put some effort in, but just like the last exam, his classmates won’t be happy about it. Every time he aces an exam they mutter about him. The popular opinion going around is he doesn’t deserve it. If it is for getting good grades or being smart, he isn’t sure. They often say he doesn’t put in the effort others do and therefore it is unfair that he is the one who is blessed with it all. But there had been rumors about him cheating as well.
He hasn’t caused much trouble and is overall well-behaved (what a surprise, he knows). While he would love to have some fun this is neither the place nor the time for it. Everybody here is so terribly boring. It is a place only for the best, so everybody is focused on their studies. If he were to show his “true colors” to say, it wouldn’t be taken kindly and at least his teachers like him. They praise him a lot, to the point of it being embarrassing but it is nice that -even if it is in a field he doesn’t care for- he is being appreciate in some way at all.
Putting his head down on his desk he is taken by a notion of longing. Ah, he really hates the person he is now. He used to like himself more, or more so he now likes who he used to be more than the boy who wanted to change did. He wasn’t so bad even if nobody liked him as well.
He wants this passion back. He wants that joy he felt back. He wants to go back in time even though those times weren’t happy at all but they are better than the present he is residing in.
Thinking about it depressed him even further.
Closing his eyes he tries to focus back on the image of the stage and the laughing faces.
Maybe if he continues to try reaching out, one day he will be able to grasp it once more.
His life can’t go on like this. This is what Rui decides as the end of the school year is rolling around.
He has been hiding away for two weeks by now, not visiting a single class.
His parents worry and he really doesn’t want to cause them troubles again but he finds himself unable to get up anymore. Sleeping the day away he finds himself irritated at having to eat and drink in order to sustain himself. Maybe if he were stronger and could just lie here then he could rot away in peace.
He ignores the nausea as he knows it to be psychosomatic only.
His knees hurt as he gets up and his mind seems to be far away. It is as though even his mind has distanced itself from him. All is seen through a filter. Nothing is sharp and clear but blurry and dull. It is as though his head is stuffed with cotton.
Putting on a DVD Rui sits before his computer. He isn’t particularly thrilled to watch it but he can pass the time just a little quicker with it. He ordered it online when he still was in better spirits, hoping to get the burning inside his heart back.
It is a play by Tom Gray.
But even if it is him it will do little. At this point he is too far gone, he believes. If there is anybody to fault for his downfall it is nobody but himself.
His eyes are vacant as he watches the play. His face is being illuminated by the bright screen as his room remains dark. But even if the light is hurting his eyes he doesn’t blink or turn away.
The protagonist is one full of regrets. Further and further they have slipped as they land at the bottom. They cry and curse and they regret so viciously. But even then they fight desperately. The protagonist tries and tries to claw their way back up even if with every decision they take they have more things to regret. They lose over and over again and yet they struggle.
In all honesty, it seems like stupidity.
But he can see the burning in their eyes.
They are alone, nobody is there anymore and yet they continue to claw to the point of their nails breaking apart. They struggle with all their might against fate.
And even as in the very end they die with an unfulfilled life, Rui cannot look down on it. They struggled and yet never succeeded. It was nothing but a tragedy, a tale of wasted efforts and the cruelty of reality. No matter how much effort one puts in they can still fail.
An interview plays right after. The man is calm and smiling: “It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, clever or foolish, among the majority or minority… All people laugh, cry and feel anger in the same way… That is what ties us all together after bearing witness to a truly marvelous spectacle.”
No matter how much effort one puts in they can still fail.
Yet even as he credit have rolled he can still see these burning eyes and the frantic desperation of somebody putting their everything on the line.
It is the very embodiment of passion, of love.
His heart trembles.
Dying like that would be much better than rotting away, is it not?
All that has been pushed away is being freed.
The very next week Rui has taken a heart after much deliberation.
Transferring from his school to Kamiyama he cuts his hair. He truly looks like such a slob, he thinks as the strands fall to the ground. At the end of his haircut he is able to smile into the mirror. For a self-made haircut it doesn’t look too bad.
The prospect of going back to school is scaring him though.
By now he is too afraid to even strike up a conversation with anybody. It never works out anyways, so not much is lost there but he can’t help but feel pathetic about it. God, he has become such a loser, he sighs. How did he end up this way?
Can’t anybody save him?
Laughing to himself he bans the thought. Nobody will ever come and he is no damsel in distress that needs saving. If he wants something to change, he has to do it himself. Were he to wait he’d die before having done as much as touched another person’s hand.
He doesn’t want to life continue on this way.
“I just really want to change,” He mutters to himself as he opens his closet to the costume Mizuki has once sewed for him. Like a follower standing before their very good his fingers graze the fabric in devotion. They shake and he is by no means confident but at least right now his heart is burning.
Just one more time, he promises himself.
“I just can’t leave it be.”
No matter the pain his heart always yearns for more; always demanding of him to continue on.
“I simply love directing.”
Even if he were killed, he couldn’t shake it. This passion, this love is overpowering everything.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, clever or foolish, among the majority or minority… All people laugh, cry and feel anger in the same way… That is what ties us all together after bearing witness to a truly marvelous spectacle.” He repeats the words, his heart swelling with each word.
Taking the coat from its hangar he clads himself in the attire. Throwing the coat on top as he is done, he finds himself grinning despite the pain: “The next role I will be taking is one of a human!”