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The year Rictor was kidnapped and taken to the States just to be rescued by X-Factor was the first year he didn't celebrate Día de Muertos, he supposed he could have said something to Jean or Hank and they'd have helped him set up an ofrenda, but it felt like a weird request to people you barely know. Maybe next year, Ric thought.

During his time in X-Force between the fact they were either on the run or hiding in the middle of the desert, Ric couldn't put an ofrenda. Also, he was older now and he had started to question how he felt about his father. For many years he tried to convince himself his father was a good man, his brain somehow blocking all the bad memories and sticking to the positive ones, which fueled his hate for Cable when he still thought he had killed his father. However, he couldn't keep deceiving himself, he might have been a kid when his father used to take him "to work" with them, and while he wasn't a witness of everything his father did the fact alone that his father was a cartel boss was enough to let his own imagination fill the gaps. How could Ric put an ofrenda in honor of a man like that? A man who has done indescribable damage to many people and has left such scars on the country, what about all the families of the people he killed? All those people were surely setting up their own ofrendas for their loved ones, what would they think about him setting up one for the man who has hurt them so much? So no, Ric decided it wasn't worth it.

Time passes and he leaves X-force and goes back to Mexico; he needs space and time away. Still, being back at his mom's house feels strange, it has barely been a couple of years since he left Mexico, he's lived in that house for far more years he's been away from it and yet being back feels different, probably because in those few years he's changed so much. His mom is not directly tied to the family's business; his uncles and cousins are running it now. They sent her money monthly as it was his father's wish, that and protection for her and his children, which included Julio. Not to mention, his father wished Julio would become one of the principal heads of the cartel, which was never going to happen. His family probably hates him, they already consider him some sort of traitor, but the fact he's "my brother's Luis's only son" is what gets him so much leeway. So, Julio is free to do whatever he wants, which currently includes living with his mom and other siblings.

November is closer, and all the stores are filled with Halloween decorations as well as Día de Muertos, his parents never let him participate in Halloween festivities claiming those are gringo's bullshit. His first Halloween where he actually got to do the whole "trick or treat" was with Tabby, she couldn't believe he had never done it before. And it's not like he didn't know about the costumes and the candies, he has seen it in enough Halloween specials in the TV, ultimately Julio thought it was fun and something he could do again but it wasn't the same as celebrating Día de muertos, and especially now that he was back in México.

Another sign Día de muertos is close is the pastries, pan de muertos is delicious and for a moment Ric thinks he's happy to be back at home. He misses X-Force, he misses 'Star but also, he loves it here. It's odd to feel like you're forcing yourself into a space in which you no longer fit and yet you know this place is engraved inside you, like the blood it runs deep within your veins. Mexico is his blood.

His relationship with Mexico and his family is terribly similar, both are part of who he is. Again, most of his life was spent here, he grew up here. The place you come from shapes you, from the way you talk, to the kind of food you enjoy and crave, and the music you hum without realizing it. How you interact with other people, how you process different circumstances, how you see the world all that comes from the place you come from. Julio knows it, back when he was with X-Factor he couldn't stop noticing how different he was to everyone there, at times he felt like he didn't belong, he couldn't understand some of their pop references and they couldn't get his, their sense of humor didn't match his and even just simple things like the first time he said "provecho" when he walked into the kitchen and saw Rusty and Skids having a snack, or when he said "salud" whenever someone sneezed, made him feel strange even if it was so natural for him to do it to the point he didn't register he did it. Of course, he catches up with them in time, he is smart so he soon feels like he can adapt well enough to live in another country with a different culture. By the time he's with X-Force he feels like he belongs, and it helps that in that team many of them are like him, people with diverse backgrounds and their own particular cultures. Now back in Mexico, it's inevitable to notice how despite feeling out of place, the surroundings and customs are so familiar to him he feels at home.

He wakes up one morning when his mom barges into the dining room.

"Apúrale. Nos vamos en diez¹" said his mom while pulling one of her market bags from a drawer in the kitchen.

"¿A dónde?²" Julio murmured with coffee dripping from his mouth, he was in the middle giving a big bite to his hojaldra after dunking it in coffee, this simple meal was something he had severely missed while living in the States.

"Al mercado, aprovechando que andas por aquí, me vas a ayudar a cargar todas las cosas para la ofrenda³"

The traditional Día de Muertos ofrenda, many Mexican families set up one. The dates on which each family decides to set up their own can vary, the ones who follow the tradition strictly have it ready since October 28. That date is to commemorate and welcome the souls of those who died in an accident or in a tragic manner, which described perfectly how his older brothers, uncles, and even his father had died, after all it comes with the business.

Julio used to go with his mom to buy the things for the ofrenda. Back when his father had recently died and he still thought of him fondly, the idea of him coming back to visit them during this season was a comforting thought. Now, same as his relationship with God, while he still believed partially in him, a feeling of incredulity creeped into his mind to the idea of his father's soul visiting them. Besides, now he resented his father, even if his memories of him were foggy, so why should he help set up an ofrenda for him? And the same applied to his older brothers and uncles, for a moment he thought "they all had it coming" and he was about to openly reject his mother's request, but he could hear her lecturing him about how it was a tradition, and that children should not criticize their parents or talk badly of the dead. So, he quickly finished his breakfast, changed his flip flops for actual shoes, and followed her mom.

His mother wasn't lying when she said she'd take advantage of the fact he was there to help, because she kept giving him more things to carry. He had two market bags hanging from his shoulders, one filled with fruit, which included bananas, guayabas, both still green so they'd last longer, plus mandarinas which were in season and some cañas and tejocotes. The other contained the ingredients to make the favorite dishes of his father and relatives, like tamales, pozole and red rice. He was also carrying on one hand two large bundles of flowers, cempasúchil and terciopelo, and on the other hand he had a bag with hojaldras and some candles.

He had grown some significant amount of muscles during his time away but this was already too much, also walking on the market was always hard enough without a bunch of things hanging from you, and especially during this season when everyone is going to buy the elements of the ofrenda. Thankfully his mother noticed and let him go to the car to leave all that, they continued to buy the papel picado, sugar and chocolate skulls, incienso and more candles and flowers.

Back at their house, his older sister Marisol had already cleaned the area where they always set up the ofrenda, in the space between the kitchen and the dining room, a very centric place and well illuminated. Her sister was finishing setting up the structure, they usually went with three levels in their ofrenda because it was easier to handle, four would be two tall and two wouldn't provide enough space for all the things they have to arrange in them. Julio was about to retreat to his bedroom and leave his mother and sister to do the rest of the work, he thought he had done enough. So, the moment his mother left the room to go look for the flowerpots, he rushed to the stairs.

"¿A dónde crees que vas?⁴" Of course, the nosy of his sister would notice him leaving.

"¿A dónde crees que voy? Pues a mi cuarto.⁵" Julio kept climbing the stairs fully ignoring his sister's complaints.

"¡MÁ! ¡Julio no va a ayudar a poner la ofrenda!⁶" Marisol was not only nosy, but she had a big mouth.

"¡ESO SÍ QUE NO! Te me vienes a ayudar pero ahorita, ¿me escuchaste?⁷" Julio cringed at her mom yelling and threw a dirty glare at her sister who looked overly proud of herself.

A few hours later once they had set up most of the things and were rearranging the things to make space for the family portraits. Julio couldn't hold himself anymore, maybe triggered by seeing the photo of his father.

"I just don't understand why we are even setting up an ofrenda for a man who was obviously a horrible person?" he blurted out, putting down the photo.

"Your father wasn't perfect, he made mistakes like we all do so do not talk about him like that" replied his mother without even looking at him, still fixing the flowers.

"Except that his mistakes include killing a bunch of people, torturing some other and making a fucking bunch money out of it!" Julio knew his mother hated it when he was being sarcastic but he was starting to get angry, so he didn't care, he had played the good son's role enough.

"¡Ya estuvo!⁸ You don't have any idea how hard your father's life was, how much he had to suffer and all the work he did to get to where he got" finally, his mother turned around and looked at him. Marisol just looked between the two of them and as testament of how angry his mother sounded, she remained quiet.

"You mean a fucking cartel boss, oh yeah sure very remarkable."

"He did what he could. He always took care of us; we own him so much."

"Mom, how can you say that? After what he did to us, to you! He cheated on you! How can you defend him?"

His mother remained quiet for a moment, assessing him, she sighed as if she was frustrated with Julio, like a mother would act when she realizes his son is probably too naive or stupid to understand. Something about moms and how no matter how old you are, they still can't handle you talking back at them.

"All men do it! But only the good ones take responsibility. All your uncles, my brother, all the husbands of my friends and cousins have done it." Marisol silently nodded and looked down; she was a single mom because her own partner left her for another woman. "Men are like that; my own father abandoned us and started another family. He left my mom to care alone for 5 children, my brother and I had to drop out of school and start working, it was your father who got him a job. He helped my family so much. But you wouldn't know that, no, you never went through what your father or I went, but of course we're so terrible and we ruined your life despite how much your father has done for you and others."

"Just a few good actions don't erase all the other things he did" How much did his father help his mom's family by including him into the cartel was up to debate but Julio decided that was a discussion for another day. Same with the discussion about how yeah in fact they had, if not ruined his life, made it harder for him.

"Julio, this country steals and kills people every day, the government does it and then hides it. You are old enough to understand they don't care about us, so why do you suddenly want to condemn your father as he was some sort of devil man."

"I'm not saying every single problem this country has it's his fault, but he helped to make things worse. Also, I just don't understand why you stayed with him" Since he was a kid he remembered hearing his mom crying, she tried to hide it, but it was obvious. She suffered so much because of his father but she remained by his side, as accommodating to his needs as always.

"What was I going to do? Not everyone can go and start again in another country like you did. I had four kids to look after, should I have left them? And then to go where? Your father would have found me. But moreover, I did not see a reason to leave him. Yes, he had another family, but he provided for both. He even gave you and your sisters his last name and recognized you as his children, that's more than most men would do. Julio, I don't know what kind of ideas those gringos have been putting into your head, that now you think you can come here and lecture us about our way of living but this is still my house, so you better change that attitude"

Julio was about to reply when Marisol finally decided things were getting too heated up.

"Ok, we're all obviously very tired so why don't you take a break and I'll finish here."

Julio looked at her mom, she did look tired and sad and for a moment he regretted the things he had said, but up to what point the excuse of "I did what I could with what my economic and social statute allowed to do" was valid, it's true his father came from a very poor background and he had to leave school when he was younger than he was, he was looking for ways to make money "faster and easy", but does that justify all the crimes he committed? Are those justified just because this country with its violence, lack of opportunities and corrupt government are suffocating and killing its people so the only option you have is to do the same? Kill or be killed? Be part of the war or end up as a casualty?

His father and family definitely thought they were allowed to do what they do because life had been harsh on them, as if life owned them something. Because if it wasn't they doing all those despicable things others would do it and why be a victim when you can be the one holding the leash. Why didn't Julio see things like that? It wasn't just because he was a mutant, no, since he was a kid he hated violence, his cousins would mock him and call him a "llorón⁹." They were right, he used to cry when his uncles would kill one of the chickens to cook it. He cried when his cousins took his favorite plushie and threw it to the well, his uncles laughed and said it was good for him because no boy should play with those. Perhaps, that was the answer, he resented his family, so he refused to be like them. And yet, wasn't he using his powers to fight Cable's war? Wasn't he acting like them when he put on that facade of macho masculinity? He was such a hypocrite.

Ric avoided his mother the next day, he fed the chickens and then left the house and wandered around the city. He came back late hoping she would be asleep, Marisol was out, she had gone to pick up her kids from their dad's house. He opened the door, and the lights were off, just the light of the candles of the ofrenda lighting up the space, he walked up to look at it closer. He had refused to see the ofrenda after walking out of the room the night before, but he had to admit it was beautiful, it was impossible not to feel moved when looking at it. Which only made him feel even more conflicted, the photos of his uncles, aunts, cousins, one of his grandparents, older brothers and his father staring at him. These people who share the same blood, these people whose lives have impacted his own, now all gone. It's November 28, the day most of them are coming back and that thought is almost enough to make Julio cry. He looked at his father's face, to his older brothers, who, unlike him, shared some resemblance to their progenitor. The three of them were killed. Ric knows about exactly how his father died because he saw it. Julio can still see that moment in his nightmares, he still remembers how painful it was for him knowing his father was gone, he felt scared and vulnerable. His brothers though, up to this day it's not clear to him how it happened, he knows they were brutally murdered by a rival cartel and their bodies were hanged in the middle of the plaza they used to frequent with the sign "eye for an eye", they were only a few years older than what he is now. Julio wonders if that could have been him, if things had been different would that have been his fate too? He once again feels like crying.

"They were so young" he was so lost in his thoughts he didn't hear his mom coming down the stairs, and now she was looking at him while he stared at his brothers' photo.

"Yeah..."

"But what else was going to happen after they had killed the heir to the Juarez Cartel?" she was standing next to him and once again looking very tired and sad.

"Why did they do it?"

"I have no idea. No one never told me."

"You think my father told them to do it?"

"No, it was all on them."

Julio vaguely remembers the funeral, and how after it his father changed. Now he realizes his father fell into a deep depression from which he probably never recovered. As if reading his thoughts his mother adds.

"Your father became reckless after it. That and your mother's dead were too much for him, and at the end it led him to his own."

"You never talk about my other mom" Julio was surprised, her real mother was never mentioned as if she never existed and Julio understood why, only his sisters would tell him about her, but they were very young too when they lost her, so their own memories are few and vague now.

"I never actually met her. I knew about her, I saw her in pictures and from afar a couple of times. And as you can imagine I was resentful of her" Was his mother actually telling him all these things without him prodding her? It felt unreal.

"Yeah, I know it."

"I knew about her but the first time your father mentioned her to me was when she died, when he brought you and your sisters here. I already knew about your existence, but knowing about it and being left in charge of you three were completely different things."

"Did you resent me and my sisters as well?" Once the question left his mouth Julio realized that that doubt had plagued his mind since he found out the truth about who his real mother was.

"I did. Especially you, I knew your father wanted another son and I hadn't been able to give him one, but she could." And after his brothers died, Julio became the only son so he can only imagine how much worse for her it was to know that the favorite kid of his husband wasn't hers.

"Do you still resent me?"

"No. I'm telling you all these things because I can tell there is something bothering you, I can see you're feeling conflicted about something and I don't know if hearing all this will help you, but I know you, you wouldn't push my buttons the way you did last night if it weren't because you were expecting a reaction so I hope at least you'll get something good out of all this. But Julio, even if I don't know what's going on in your head, what is torturing so much I want you to know that I care about you so much that it's easy for me to forget you're not mine, because in a way you are. You're mine. And you'll always be."

And isn't she right? She raised him, the same woman who would buy old sick chickens from big poultry producers when they were about to get rid of them, because in her words they deserved to spend at least their last years in peace. The same woman who would sit with him to watch scary movies and let him stay in her bed because he had nightmares afterwards, the woman who let him eat the dough left on the spatula when she baked, the woman who would patch his plushies because he refused to get new ones because he had got too attached to those. The same woman who organized each one of his birthday parties and cooked for him his favorite dishes. The one who had put up with his rebellious attitude and snark remarks and sarcastic nature before any team leader. The one who hid the Christmas presents and sang to him "sana sana colita de rana" each time he scratched his knees before kissing the small wound so it wouldn't hurt anymore. Oh yes, he was hers, she had raised him, as flawed, temperamental, and emotionally constipated as he might be he was hers. And he knew she loved him.

She stayed with a man who cheated on her, raised his kids as hers, something Julio doesn't think he'd be able to do. She did what she could, and even if he can't fully forgive his father nor her for their actions, for what they have done to him he knows they both loved him as much as they were capable. His parents were very flawed people, very emotionally damaged people who didn't know how to talk about feelings, people whose life has treated them harshly and that had shaped their view of the world, and so they had projected their prejudice and conservative mentality into Julio from a very young age.

And wasn't that the worst thing in the world? To know that your parents were a massive influence on all the bad parts of yourself. They had fed into his traumas and issues, they put ideas into his head that now don't fully let him be himself and yet, they are responsible as well for the good parts, his kindness, his sense of duty and loyalty, that instinct to serve and nurture and his big capacity to love. Julio for the third time in the night felt like crying, and he thought "my cousins were right, I'm a llorón."

"But just because it's easy to forget, we shouldn't forget your mother," his mother continued. "God chose her to be your mom, you're here because of his grace and he was also the one who took her from this world and brought you to me. I think it's time we honor her properly."

Turns out Julio's mom had a photo of his biological mom, the one his father used to keep in his wallet, and for the first Julio was able to see how she looked. His sisters used to put on the ofrenda a flower brooch that they said belonged to her mother because none of them had a picture of her. After their mom died and his father came to get them from their grandma's house, he told them to leave all behind. The only reason they had that brooch was because one of her sisters was wearing it at that moment.

But now, for the first time there on the house's ofrenda was her picture. His sisters often tell him "Eres igualito a mi mamá¹⁰" and it turns out they were right. His skin color, his eyes, nose, and lips are so much like hers.

"I hate to admit it, but she was so beautiful" they are both looking at her photo now on their ofrenda, next to his father's photo.

It's such a shame no one can tell her much about how his real mother was, his sisters have told him they used to live in a small village with her mom's family and community, they were Wixárika, one of the many indigenous groups that are in México. He doesn't know much about that culture beyond what he can find online, and once again looking at his mom's photo, he wonders how his life would have turned out to be if things had been different.

After talking to his mom, he started to think about his and Shatterstar's relationship.

He cooked for him because 'Star barely eats and so when he does, it's only out of necessity and the food he consumes is very bland. Ric couldn't have that, so he cooked for him some of favorite dishes, something simple like chilaquiles. But chilaquiles are special, aren't they? They're easy and cheap but you don't eat them every day, or at least in his house his mother would only do them for breakfast when his father was not going to work that morning.

He would sit with Shatterstar and watch movies with him, and later at night when 'Star would have a bunch of questions about it, he'd stay up to answer them. He asked Shatterstar once about his birthday, and he replied he did not have one which Ric thought was ridiculous. So, the next day he went out and bought a small cake and decided to sing "las mañanitas" to 'Star to celebrate his "birthday". Shatterstar would say he didn't understand the point in celebrating he had remained alive another year, but he said he enjoyed the cake and the song. Ric taught him about the pop references he himself had to learn when he arrived in the States. He constantly got defensive on his behalf because he knows what it feels to be mocked for something you can't control about yourself.

It was such a cliche because he had known for a while, but this was like an Oh moment for Julio. Not because he realized he loved Shatterstar, he already suspected that, otherwise he wouldn't have left the team the way he did, this realization was about how he, without him doing it intentionally, had been as open about his feelings as he could. He had shared so much of himself with Shatterstar without realizing it, he shared his culture, language, and favorite things. But how to put it into words?

Did Shatterstar understand how much of himself he had given him? That it scared him how much he loved 'Star because what if all that wasn't enough for his friend. Sure, as weird as the alien guy was, he was honest and he had told Ric before leaving that he loved him, but how could Shatterstar be sure? Just a few months ago he got the grasp of what friendship was, and now he claimed he loved him, sounds unlikely.

Was Julio ready to risk it all? To give that step he has been afraid of giving all his life. He had been hiding and ignoring most of teenager life his attraction to men, as if ignoring something makes it disappear. But what he feels for Shatterstar is so strong that it made him want to do something he thought he'd never do. He is just not sure if he's ready to face the consequences of that, if he could handle giving more of him than what he already had given because after it he'd feel so exposed to a world ready to tear him apart. Maybe it's because it's the first time he has felt like this but suddenly it's clearer for him why people feel so broken after ending a relationship, he thinks that by giving so much of himself and taking this big step for Shatterstar it would leave him vulnerable to the point it'd break him if this doesn't work. He's such a coward, he knows it. He ran away from 'Star despite knowing his friend needed him, Star probably hates him. Julio thinks he'll try to explain it to him, but he probably won't be able to do it right.

He's lying in bed with all these thoughts in his head and as if this were a movie, music starts playing, it comes from her sister's bedroom next to his. She's back from seeing the father of her children and now she's listening to "Evidencias" from Ana Gabriel, and Julio almost laughs because despite having listened to that song many times before for the first time he understands it. "It's my fears that keep me away from you, the truth is that I love you more than I love myself. It's such a crazy thing to say I don't love you. To avoid appearances and hide the evidence. However, why keep pretending if I'm incapable of fooling my heart? I know I love you."

The next day, they go to the cemetery where his father is buried, his body resting inside a huge mausoleum, which is quite common among cartel members. The bigger and more expensive their tombs are, the more powerful you were while alive. Once again Julio is not a fan of going, he'd rather stay at home but he's trying to stay on good terms with his mom. His sister Marisol is with them once again.

They clean the mausoleum; set the new fresh flowers they bought and then their mom tells them to start praying. This is the hardest part for Rictor, he knows all the orations, he attended all his "catecismo" classes. He went through all the three ceremonies you're supposed to do while growing up to fully commit your life to God and "accept" him into your life, and he attended church with his mom every Sunday. He doesn't consider himself a deeply religious person despite all that, not after everything that has happened to him and yet he doesn't dare to fully deny his existence, which is why he finds it so hard to pray for his father's soul. He was taught everyone deserves to be forgiven if they regretted their sins, but he doesn't think his father ever regretted them.

But once again Julio is trying to keep his mother happy, so he goes along when his mom starts the oration, he repeats the words "perdona nuestras ofensas, como también nosotros perdonamos a los que nos ofenden." When they finish, he notices his mother has her eyes closed and still holds her hands together, she is talking to God and his father, or that's what she used to tell him when he was a kid and they visited the grave. "Talk to your father, tell him how you are and ask God to hold his soul into its glory." He wonders what she is telling him. It's at that moment when her sister starts walking back to the entrance, Julio follows her. He doesn't want to talk to his father nor God.

"Hey, why we never visit our mom's grave?"

"Because I have no idea where that is?" She sounds upset, she has been in a horrible mood since morning, maybe he should just leave her be, but he really wants to know.

"What? All this time I thought we just didn't visit it because of how mom would feel."

"No, that man appeared at our mom's vigil at our grandma's house and forced us into his car and we never saw them again."

"Yeah, I know they moved but I thought you knew where she was."

Her real mom's family and community were forced to leave the place they had called their home for generations when the violence was too much to handle, his mother wasn't the first victim of the rise of organized crime there but after her death things got worse. You either stayed and were killed, or you joined the organization and only prolonged your inevitable death. Everyday women and kids were taken by force from their homes, and homes got burned. Teenagers were turned into sicarios, people forced to work for his father's organization and used and discarded for his own benefit. How can he pray for a man like that?

"I was a kid. I don't remember much but I do remember how awful that day was." Said his sister.

"Then why do you go along with all this?"

"For mom, she needs this. Also, it's been years since that."

"Doesn't make it better though."

"No, but we can't change it. It happened, we're here now, this is our life. My life at least, you and Karen got out, and that is good."

Ana Karen is their other sister, she is closer in age to Marisol, she left the city to go study away from their family's territory. She married a man from Oaxaca and now they live there with their kid.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

"But you're not staying, nor you should Juli*. Whatever you are running from it can't be worse than being here."

"I like here."

"Mexico? Sure, I get that but, this house? Stuck in the past with us, stuck in this business, I doubt that. You were never cut for it."

"Because I was a crybaby, I know it" She giggles at that, which is nice to hear.

"Yeah exactly, but also because you are incapable of hurting another person which is something this line of work requires."

"I have hurt people...I'm a mutant." from the time he used his powers for the first time, to him almost getting rid of San Francisco city to all the other times he has used his powers, he has turned himself into a weapon.

"I know you're a freak, but I'm not talking about what you do or don't do in your weird club of freaks or whatever you're doing up there" he was about to reply they are fighting for their lives and right to exist when she continued "I mean you wouldn't hurt others for your own personal gain."

And that, she was right. He was a weapon, but only because he needed to be one if he wanted to remain alive and protect others like him in a world that fears them and hates them. Did God make him a mutant? Maybe it was his way of apologizing for all the trouble caused. As if he could see the path Ric was meant to walk while alive and realized he needed a way to protect and defend himself, so he granted him the ability to listen and move the Earth, Julio wanted to convince himself of that. It made his relationship with God easier.

Back in X-Force, he tries to explain as best as he can why he had to leave Shatterstar.

"I feel so stupid saying this but trust me dude, it wasn't you, it was me. I mean yeah I kinda freaked out because of you, and what you said to me and when you tried, you know," he hopes 'Star understands he's referring to that time after 'Star confessed his feelings to him and then proceeded to try to kiss him.

"I understand Julio. I crossed a boundary, and I regret it greatly. I promise you I will not do it again, so please do not leave me again."

It's the way 'Star tells him, he usually talks with such a stoicism and serious face, and yet here he's displaying a turmoil of emotions, it's obvious to Ric his departure has severely affected his friend.

"I won't, I promise. And again, yeah, I freaked out but I think it's important you know you didn't do anything wrong; it's me. It's hard for me."

"I see, it is difficult to deal with me. I understand"

"No dude, aren't you listening? I just said it's me. I'm the one who's difficult."

"I find your company very enjoyable. I do not consider being with you difficult otherwise I would not have confessed my romantic feelings for you."

Julio wished he could be as confident as 'Star and just be capable of saying without shame the words "romantic feelings" to another man.

"But you didn't like that I left right?"

"No. It was very painful for me."

"Exactly, that's what I mean. Being with me is not easy, see, you just had an identity crisis, and you didn't like that either, am I wrong?"

"No, it was quite unpleasant. I still do not understand the nature of my origin however I do feel much better after merging my body with Benjamin's."

"Yeah, whatever that was, I'm glad you feel better. But the thing is I've been having an identity crisis almost all my life, and I can't just go and find the other version of myself who's somewhere lying comatose and mixing ourselves into one and feel complete like you did. No, it's in my brain and I feel whenever I start getting a hang of who I am and how I want to be perceived, something happens that shatters that. And maybe what happened between you and me made me realize I was turning into someone I don't like...somehow who is not me..."

Why couldn't he just say, "falling in love with you made me want to drop the mask I've been hiding behind "? No, stupid catholic guilt and masculinity issues, once again he cursed his family for turning him into this repressed and scared man.

"And I don't know man, going home I felt like a kid again, and I thought would that kid feel proud of the person I've become? Probably he'd like how much stronger we're now and how we're able to defend ourselves, but the rest?"

"I think you are exceptional."

When Shatterstar says things like that, Ric can tell he's not trying to give a compliment, he's not doing what a friend would do when listening to you complain about yourself like "what are you talking about? You're amazing, don't change anything", no, he says it as a statement. Like any other person would say "I think today is going to rain" which is what gets to Julio. He knows Shatterstar is being honest, and he feels a rush of fondness coursing through his body. However, still the right words won't leave his mouth.

"Dude, I think the same." Maybe that would have to be enough. And to make things clearer, he stepped into Shatterstar's space, stood on his tiptoes, and planted a soft kiss on his lips while tenderly holding his face between his hands. He thought, 'Star is worth the risk, he's worth the identity crisis and panic attack he's going to experience in a few hours but for now, it feels right.

Next year, when they are in Mexico, he shares the Día de Muertos tradition with Shatterstar.

"I should set up an ofrenda for my father, but it doesn't feel right you know?"

"Because of your conflicting feelings towards him"

"Yeah...and anyway not like I could even if I wanted with the whole running and hiding from my family thing."

"The word "ofrenda" translates to offering, you offer the cancelled members of your family a gift in exchange for they coming back to Earth from heaven, is that right?"

"What? No, it's an altar. To honor their lives. Yes, we believe they come back to visit us and that they eat the food we leave for them but it's not an exchange."

"If they are already dead, and you said they are supposedly in heaven, a place you described as a paradise, would it not be better for them to remain there? Why do they come back?"

Shatterstar means well, Ric reflects on if it was a good idea to try to explain to Shatterstar about religion and heaven because then he was asking if all the cancelled warriors of Mojoworld are in heaven and Ric could only come up with "I guess". So 'Star was genuinely confused about why someone who lives in a paradise and in peace would leave that realm and return to the place where they were, in his own words, "cancelled."

"Because they want to see us again. We set up the ofrenda because we miss them and I don't know man, don't think it too hard, they just come down to be with us one more time."

"And you don't want to be with your father one more time."

"...well, I mean it's complicated."

"But he will not come and see you if you do not set up an ofrenda, which means you do not want to be reunited with him."

"It's not like he's actually going to show up, and we are going to have a chat."

"But you said they eat the food."

"Yeah, but we can't see them, they are spirits. We just believe they are here with us."

"But can they see us?"

"I suppose, and enough with the buts and questions, man. It's just a tradition, it doesn't have to make sense, it's about what it means. It's about love."

Epilogue.

Rictor is gone. Shatterstar can't feel his uemer anymore, the connection has been severed, and he knows what that means.

He crashes and destroys all that surrounds him the moment he feels the pain in his own uemer, it doesn't help him to feel better. He thinks nothing is ever going to make him feel whole again, no, he's broken permanently and there is no way to fix it, nothing will ever change that. Still, he craves violence, he wishes to slice and maim, it's instinctual he knows it. So, he indulges in his desires. He joins X-Force to distract himself, Domino reprimands him and tells him he's being too aggressive, he knows it, but he can't bring himself to be gentle, what is the point? All the tenderness and softness inside him died the moment Julio did.

By the end of the mission, he realizes something his own anger and craving for violence hadn't let him see, he hasn't mourned Ric properly. And November is close, he knows what that means.

Julio explained once to him that some people said you're supposed to wait a year before adding someone to the Día de Muertos ofrenda, but that it depends on each family. He said some people find comfort in doing it as soon as possible because the act of putting an ofrenda is special, you plan the design, what things you are going to buy and how you're going to arrange them, then you take your time to set up it, and doing all that is as if you're doing one more act of love for them. It's like telling them "I still think of you. I still miss you. I wish I didn't have to put this ofrenda for you, I wish you could still be here for me but know that I love you and that I hope you come back to me at least for one day." 'Star is not Mexican, though Julio used to joke he was, but he thinks he wants to set up an ofrenda for Julio. He thinks Julio would like that, and it is about love, wasn't that what Ric said? And maybe if Mexicans are right, he'll be back, 'Star likes the thought of that.