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Winter is coming. More than ever, Ricky feels like it’s now or never. Their disbandment date is creeping closer, an unbidden frost on the window. He hopes to stay warm even when it comes to bite.
“Yah,” Gyuvin says, nudging to his shoulder. “Are you paying attention?”
Ricky glances at the screen, chews on the inside of his cheek, and gives Gyuvin his best sorry look.
Gyuvin squints at him. Ricky squirms a bit on the mattress, feeling much too seen. With a sigh that’s heavy yet soft, Gyuvin pauses the drama on Ricky’s iPad.
“Are you okay, Ricky?”
Ricky lets out a sigh of his own at the question that every member has been asking each other. “No,” he says honestly, because he’s tired and he kind of wants to cry.
“Yeah,” Gyuvin says in kind, leaning against Ricky, their bodies one messy blob of pajamas and slightly-damp hair.
Hanbin and Jiwoong would scold them for not fully drying their hair before going to bed. The thought makes him impossibly sad for a moment, and he sees a reflection of his heartache in the tension on Ricky’s face.
“I don’t want to say bye,” comes Ricky’s reply, entirely in English. His voice in English always tends to be much softer and rounder at the edges. It makes the sentence hurt that much more when it lands in the air between them.
“I know, I know. Me neither,” Gyuvin says back in English, resting his hand on Ricky’s and hoping his touch will be more eloquent than his mouth.
Ricky sighs again. He tilts his head to look at Gyuvin. “What will you miss the most?”
Gyuvin hums as he thinks of an answer. He wants to say a lot of things. He knows that they’ll share most of them.
Ricky supposes he knows what Gyuvin will say. Gyuvin opens his mouth and Ricky opens his mouth and they blabber about just how much they love their members.
Yujin, and watching him come out of his shell, over the years. Seeing him laugh with the hyungs of the group (the real hyungs, not the fake 04-05 ones, as he’d say) and not be ashamed of taking up space. His confidence transferred over to his vocals, which he’s become more comfortable with recently. And then there’s how truly young he is — when they first debuted, he couldn’t even join them on stage past 10 o’clock — and how much he’s grown up and alongside them.
Gunwook, and seeing him act his age as he grew comfortable. Ricky and Gyuvin both still remember when they first saw Gunwook during Boys Planet and thought him to be much older than he actually was. After getting to know him, they both realized just how much of a baby he can be, just how much looks can deceive. His humor and love for dance were welcome surprises for all of them.
Jiwoong, and just how far he’s come. Nobody in the group has been in the industry for as long as him, or overcame as many obstacles and darkness. He’s mentioned before how lucky he was to be able to fulfill his dream of being an idol again, and it breaks their hearts to think of him on stage either alone or without the nine of them. Wherever he goes afterwards, they want him to be happy and sing with his full chest.
Matthew, and his joy and persistence. All of their hyungs were tenacious and hard-working, but this quality is especially prevalent in Matthew. He works so hard to improve and somehow manages to almost always do it with a wide smile, even when he’s exhausted. As one of the mood makers of the group, they know that their nine wouldn’t be the same without him.
Hanbin, and his laughter and brilliant strength. Who else could be their leader besides him? Hanbin’s years of experience as a dancer is proof to how much he practices to hit every beat and facial expression, but all of the members know that beyond his tough leader personality, there is someone made of understanding words, careful hands, and genuine care. Someone to lean on when times are especially hard, not needing to say a single word.
Taerae, and watching him shine with all his potential. Anyone who hears Taerae sing instantly knows he has a unique star quality, but it takes looking deeper to see the fire in his soul. He’s a perfectionist, ruthless in the studio. But as much as they tease him for being a T, there’s the softness to Taerae all of them have had the pleasure of witnessing after becoming his friend.
Zhang Hao, and his humility and diamond resilience. He broke records by placing first. He has the mind that many call ‘genius’ and proves it constantly. He has a heart of gold and an unbreakable spirit: during the worst of their Yuehua days, Zhang Hao was always there for them to talk to and grab a meal with. He’s easy to rant to and easier to listen to. Life simply would not be what it is without him.
Eventually, they finish talking about their team.
All of them have changed since their debut, and in every way, they are a mosaic of everything they’ve experienced. They simply wouldn’t feel whole as a team of anything but their nine.
Then there’s the two of them.
Ricky thinks back to years ago, when he asked Gyuvin what would happen if he didn’t manage to debut. And now he wonders what will happen if the end they knew was coming really is the end.
Gyuvin looks into Ricky’s boba eyes and has a gut feeling he knows what his Kim Rick is thinking.
“No matter what, we’ll have each other.” Gyuvin’s smile trembles, but his hand is steady as he squeezes Ricky’s fingers between his own.
“I know,” Ricky replies easily. He kisses Gyuvin’s forehead and thinks, Maybe not knowing the answers right now is okay.