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"The only reason he talks to you is because he feels sorry for you."
Mid-eum lay curled in his bed, his hands clasped over his ears. He'd been hearing those voices again. Those intrusive thoughts that'd haunted him for years.
"Jeong, are you okay?" Yi-hyuk cooed as he walked into the bedroom, effectively shutting up Mid-eum's thoughts. They always quieted when Yi-hyuk was near.
"I'm fine." Mid-eum mumbled. "Just a little sick."
Yi-hyuk sat beside him on the bed, running his fingers through Mid-eum's hair tenderly. "Do you need anything?"
Mid-eum stared at Yi-hyuk longingly, almost forgetting to answer. "No, I'm alright." He murmured, his chest warm as time stilled. Mid-eum wasn't good at talking about how he felt—so he let the moment linger.
"You know I'll always be here for you, right?" Yi-hyuk said. "You mean a lot to me."
Mid-eum nodded.
The next morning, Yi-hyuk visited Mid-eum's apartment to check up on him. When he entered, he stopped in his tracks as he saw a dessert placed neatly on the kitchen counter, accompanied by a letter, tucked neatly beside the dessert.
"Hmm?"
He picked up the letter, which read:
Something to brighten your day. Hope you like it. ♡
"Did you make this for me?" Yi-hyuk questioned, smiling softly as he set down the letter.
"I did." Mid-eum responded, moving to stand beside Yi-hyuk.
"Why?"
"I just felt like it."
Yi-hyuk smiled, turning to hug him. "You're so sweet, Jeong. I'm lucky to have you as a friend."
Mid-eum's cheeks flushed pink as he accepted the hug, praying Yi-hyuk didn't notice how fast his heart was beating. The feel of Yi-hyuk's warmth surrounding him, it was like heaven. Yet that word still echoed in his mind. Friend. If only he were more.
Yi-hyuk ended the hug, looking down at Mid-eum with a cheerful smile. "Do you wanna share it with me?"
Mid-eum nodded.
"Shin," he asked, cutting a slice of dessert for himself and Yi-hyuk. "what's your favorite flower?"
"Hyacinths. Purple ones." Yi-hyuk responded. "Why do you wanna know?"
"Just because. Everyone has a favorite flower."
"Hmm," Yi-hyuk hummed. "What's yours?" He asked, giving Mid-eum a curious look. His chest tightened.
"...Camellias." He murmured, looking away.
"Aww, those are pretty." He replied, easing them into comfortable silence.
A couple days later, Mid-eum stopped by the flower shop to pick up a bouquet of hyacinths. He rushed home to write a letter to Yi-hyuk. His last resort, a love letter confessing his feelings. Mid-eum picked up his pen and paper, and started writing, letting all of his raw feelings flow.
When finished, he folded his paper in an envelope shape, slipped it into the pocket of his jacket, and rushed out the door to Yi-hyuk's college. It was 16:10. He'd be finishing his last class about now. If he was able to catch him just as he leaves...
He hurried to the exit of his apartment building, not noticing the piece of paper that had slipped out of his pocket and landed squarely on Yi-hyuk's doormat as he passed.
He arrived on campus, wandering around the walkway outside Yi-hyuk's lecture hall. His heart was pounding in his chest, he was a wreck. He clutched the flowers close to him, the petals of the hyacinths shaking as much as his hands were. He checked his pockets, where his—
Shit.
His letter was gone.
Did he drop it on the way?
Was he too caught up in his anxiety to notice it fell?
He looked around hurriedly, investigating everywhere—the benches, the sidewalk, the greenery. It couldn't have fallen far. Please, god, don't make him do this himself. What would he even say? What will he do if Yi-hyuk takes it the wrong way?
Realizing his attempts to find the note were in vain, Mid-eum mentally prepared himself for confrontation. He spotted Yi-hyuk leaving the lecture hall, and his heart soared at the sight.
Until he realized Yi-hyuk wasn't alone.
His heart stilled; time seemed to slow down. Mid-eum saw Yi-hyuk, accompanied by a pretty blonde with flashy makeup and a bubbly personality on his arm. The bouquet started slipping from his hands. His throat tightened until he couldn't breathe.
"You knew he'd never love you."
"Hey, Jeong! What are you doing here?" Yi-hyuk said cheerfully, temporarily snapping Mid-eum out of his trance.
"I-I wanted—"
"Are those for me?" Yi-hyuk questioned, eyeing the flowers. Mid-eum shifted, fidgeting with the stems uncomfortably.
"...Yeah. I just— I wanted to do something nice." He mumbled, looking away as he handed him the bouquet. He didn't dare look up at him. He couldn't bear the sight of someone else accompanying his love, in his place.
"Thanks! Oh, and this here is my girlfriend. I've been meaning to introduce you guys for a while!" Yi-hyuk chuckled, not knowing every word was making yet another tear in Mid-eum's soul. She giggled, introducing herself.
"Feel stupid now?"
Mid-eum excused himself hastily, eager to get himself out of there. Tears were welling in his eyes. And he would be damned if he'd let Yi-hyuk see him cry.
As soon as Mid-eum stepped through his front door, he broke down. God, how could he have been so stupid? Of course a flashy guy like Yi-hyuk would choose someone with the same personality as him over Mid-eum. He was stupid for thinking he had a chance. He curled up on the floor, hugging his knees close to him with one hand and clutching at his chest with the other in hopes to put an end to the cruel pain that overtook him.
And those voices, they just kept getting louder.
"You never had a chance with him. You're so naive."
Mid-eum scrambled for the headphones Yi-hyuk had bought him. He put on the loudest, most mind-consuming metal track he could find. Anything to drown out those voices.
But they wouldn't stop.
Mid-eum screamed and sobbed, hitting his head and clasping his hands over his ears. He pressed his headphones hard against his skull, as though pressure would drown them out.
Yet they kept going.
Mid-eum looked around, desperate for something to bring him release.
Until he thought of something. Something that'd solve his problems indefinitely.
Mid-eum lay on the floor, his body too weak to move. He couldn't feel anything. He couldn't tell if he was even breathing.
But it was finally quiet.
It was late in the evening, and Yi-hyuk had just walked his girlfriend home. His heart soared as he thought of her. His love, his everything. He made his way home, the hyacinths Mid-eum had bought him in hand. Come to think of it, Yi-hyuk hadn't thought about Mid-eum at all since their encounter...
Wait.
Is Mid-eum okay?
He seemed upset the last time they spoke... like he was in a rush to get out of there.
Yi-hyuk made a promise that, as soon as he got home and displayed the flowers, he'd check up on him.
When he returned to his apartment, he noticed a letter had been placed on his doormat. He picked it up, and started to read.
Yi-hyuk, my love,
I've wanted to tell you how I've felt for a while. I know this is a cowardly way to say it, but I don't think I have the strength to do it in person. I don't know if you could call what was between us love, but to me, it certainly feels like it. With you, my heart wants to leap out of my chest and butterflies invade my stomach. I am sick from how hard I've fallen for you.
Yi-hyuk paused. Fallen?
Did I ever tell you the reason why I would blast music, why I needed it to sleep every night? I would hear terrible voices that'd pester me from the moment I woke up to the second my body would grant me escape in sleep. The only escape I had from those voices was music.
But... with you, it was different. These voices were gone, and, for once, I felt at ease. It was through you that I had finally found my escape, and I wasn't willing to let go. That's when I fell for you, Shin.
I tried dropping hints for you, to see if you'd confess first. But, unsurprisingly, they all flew over your head. So, I'm writing you this letter as a formal confession.
I truly don't want to make this awkward between us. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I don't ever want to lose you. If you don't feel the same, I just hope we can remain friends.
Yours, Jeong.
Yi-hyuk sat in silence, his signature grin had faded. The world seemed to still as he reread the letter time and time again, his brain getting caught on that first line. My love. Mid-eum... liked him? He knew he was—but for him? It couldn't be true.
Tucking the letter safely into his pocket, he stood up and made his way to Mid-eum's apartment. He needed to hear it from him to believe it.
He made it to the door, fidgeting gently with the petals of the hyacinths in his hands. They had already started to wilt. He frowned. Looking up from them, he noticed the door to Mid-eum's apartment was slightly ajar.
Mid-eum never left his door open.
He stepped inside. "Jeong...?"
The air was thick as he stilled. The flowers fell from Yi-hyuk's trembling hands, leaving them to wilt beside Mid-eum.
"Jeong..." Yi-hyuk croaked, his voice cracking as he choked back a sob.
But no one answered.
It had been six months since his suicide. Yi-hyuk sat beside Mid-eum's grave with a bouquet of camellias.
"Hey, um... it's your birthday."
Yi-hyuk paused, as if awaiting a response.
"I brought these for you." He set the camellias down gently on the grave. "Your favorite." His voice cracked as a lump formed in his throat.
"I—I didn't know what color to get, but the pink ones looked pretty. I hope that's okay."
He paused.
"I kept the flowers you gave me, though I don't exactly know how to take care of them." He chuckled sorrowfully to himself, as if Mid-eum were really there and they were engaging in their usual playful banter.
"Sometimes, I— sometimes I wonder what could've been if I had found you sooner." Yi-hyuk confessed. "Or if I had paid more attention. I'm sorry, Mid-eum."
He let his words linger.
"I miss you." He whispered.
In the back of his mind, he hoped desperately for a response. A sign that none of this was real. For Mid-eum to come back.
But he never got one.
Leaving him with endless silence.