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“Subaru Natsuki.”
He said those words into the open air, hoping they would mean something again. He had been avoiding his mirror since he’d gotten back from Vollachia. Something about the person who looked back felt wrong, a strange mirroring of his own movements.
Now he stood, watching himself in the smudged reflection.
He looked at the edges of the mirror for a moment, then closer, the reflection of the bright blue day outside his window, and then finally at the main ‘issue’.
His face, the one he had all his life. Is this me? He thought to himself roughly rubbing the places he felt were somehow…wrong.
Jaw too wide, the skin stretched against his callused fingers. Making the bone of his jaw jut out further, into a sharp point. Too sharp. Too uncomfortable.
His skin, too rough.
His hair, the black tufts that rose from his scalp, didn’t feel long enough.
His eyes, sharp, scary, missing a certain aspect he had found, and then lost again.
He knew these qualities, they had followed him all his life. But it was only after coming home to the manor that he realized how truly alien these aspects of himself felt. Out of place, disjointed.
There must be something wrong with me. Or maybe there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m just making a big deal out of nothing! Maybe spending some time with Beako will help me. Helping out Ram and Frederica with the chores around the manor? Talking to Emilia-tan!
Distractions. He wanted them so badly.
Pushing the air from his lungs with a sigh, he expelled all his breath, imagining all these aspects of himself vanish with it.
“Nothing’s wrong.”
He turned away from his reflection.
Her knight was in pain. She couldn’t for the life of herself figure out why.
After finally getting him back from the Southern nation of Vollachia, Emilia had figured things would go back to the way things had been. She had insisted that they go out on another date once they returned to the manor. A walk through the gardens, or a picnic.
She wanted to enjoy the company of her long lost knight, finally at her side, where he belonged. But as she looked at his sanpaku eyes, those dark orbs lidded in the way she enjoyed so much, he was distracted. His eyes weren’t on her like usual, instead focused far in the distance. Searching.
“Subaru? Is everything alright?” Her voice called out for him, like silver bells.
He started, like he only just realized where he was. “Huh? Oh! I’m okay…I’m here with you Emilia-tan.”
His smile, the one that always put her at ease was strained in the bright sunlight. Her heart fell at the idea that he was hiding something from her. By now she could read him like a book.
She halted her footsteps by the flower bushes, their colors a variety of reds, blues and yellows. Pointing at Subaru, and with her best commanding tone she chided him, “Subaruuu! I thought we agreed you wouldn’t hide things from me!”
Subaru began to sweat and offered his hands up, waving them around wildly, “I know! I know. I’m sorry!”
Emilia leaned in, pouting, “So?”
Subaru looked down and seemed to consider what he was going to say next, “Well, it’s kinda hard to put into words. Would it be alright I got back to you? Once I have my thoughts in order! Okay?”
She wondered what it could be that had him out of sorts, but if he needed time. She would grant that, her trust being absolute. “Okay… but as soon as you know what’s wrong you better tell me! Whenever you know!”
“An invitation from Emilia to visit her at any time? I must be dreaming!” Subaru teased.
She grasped his hand, “You have to.”
Subaru blushed at having his bluff called, and looked away. “...Okay Emilia-tan. I will.”
Content with his promise, she nodded her head and pulled her knight along their walk.
She felt a little guilty making Subaru promise to tell her what was wrong, when she herself needed to admit something too.
Feeling the loss of him was too much for her to bear. She felt a need to have him at her side. For better or for worse, the comfort Subaru brought upon her heart, her mind and body made her realize in his absence that this feeling truly was the culmination of all their time spent together.
Love.
That was what this feeling was.
Having finally come to terms with what it was, and realized it on her own, she wanted to share it with him. But not when he was so clearly troubled.
So she would wait her turn, once he was ready to receive the news.
But being so close to him, yet without the ability to get closer was like torture on her tender heart.
It’s selfish, but don’t leave me waiting too long.
I know I have let you wait longer, and I’m sorry. But please Subaru.
I don’t want to be without you again.
“S-So Beako? What do you think?”
Subaru’s heart was racing, having told his trusted spirit about his feelings and troubles. He felt a sense of dread, and worried that she would look at him differently.
He twiddled his thumbs nervously, awaiting her judgment, the cool night air through the window drifted against his back while he sat crosslegged on his bed. They had been about to go to bed when Subaru stopped their usual ritual and had laid his worries out flatly.
Lit by candlelight Beatrice sighed, “Betty knew something was wrong with her contractor I suppose. I’m just glad you finally told me in fact.”
“I’m sorry, Beako! Please! Take these as compensation!”
Subaru began to gently pat her head, as Beatrice huffed proudly, “This is not nearly enough compensation I suppose! But Betty will overlook this transgression should you continue.”
“Of course!” Subaru exclaimed.
“As for the issues you have told me of, I believe I have heard of certain similar things from my reading in fact!”
Subaru paused, his mouth drying up quickly, “Wait, Beako. You know what it could be?”
“Gender Dysphoria, in fact. The way you speak of your appearance reminds me of certain literature in the library I suppose. The way you look now does not match with the way you feel inside, is Betty correct?”
Subaru removed his hand from Beatrice’s head and instead clutched at his blankets. He felt their soft fibers and hoped it would sooth his beating heart. “Y-Yes. That sounds right.”
“Hmp! Of course Betty is correct, and continue the head patting as well! You have not paid your tab!”
“Oh yeah!” Subaru quickly reached back to her hair, and continued his gentle patting.
“That’s better! Now, while I have knowledge of Gender Dyshoria, my question would be why her contractor is experiencing it now, I suppose?” She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at Subaru.
Subaru considered the question. He didn’t really know. For most of his life he had been fine living as he was, as a son, a boy. He recognized the words Beatrice used, but never really thought about them in regards to himself. Only reading about it online.
I’ve never really felt this way before…wait! That’s a lie! he realized, High School!
“Well, actually Beako, now that we’re talking, I remember back in high school I tried to cross dress to sort of…reinvent myself?” He flushed a shade of red, “It didn’t really work at the time. But I felt the same way in Vollachia when Abel and I…”
He hesitated, it all clicked finally. That was it!
“We had to infiltrate Guaral! We had to dress as a band of traveling dancers. And…and…”
What was he supposed to say? It felt…right?
It was a feeling more absolute and whole than he had experienced when looking at himself before. More enjoyable then as he was now.
That the crawling, the pins and needles that were along his skin, and the body he now lived in has vanished in those moments.
He reflected on what he had talked toTaritta in those days, when she herself was experiencing low self esteem and doubting her own abilities as the temporarily appointed chieftain of the Shudrakian people.
Beauty can be made. Envision your ideal self.
Was his ideal self actually… a “herself”?
“Correct Betty if she is wrong, but if you feel better in the dress of a woman. And find yourself longing for that again, why not allow yourself that in fact?”
Subaru looked down at his lap, “You wouldn’t…care… if I presented myself differently?”
Beatrice huffed, “Betty’s contractor is so hopeless sometimes! Of course not!”
“You’re sure?” Subaru asked. He needed to. He needed to know that the people he cared about wouldn’t look at him differently. At a change that he so desperately wanted… no…needed, in his life.
“Don’t make Betty repeat herself in fact!” Beatrice scolded, before her expression softened, “Betty wants her contractor to be their true self around her. And if that means some things change then I will change with them.”
Subaru’s eyes began to water, and tears of gratitude began to gently make their way down the sides of his face.
No…Her face.
“Thank you Beako.”
“No need to thank me in fact. Now it is getting late, can we go to bed I suppose?”
Subaru chucked and finally felt her body begin to relax.
This felt a grand breakthrough, like something just released itself that had been wanting and crawling to get out.
The first step.
“Need help with the vegetables Nee-sama?”
Subaru stood beside the doorway, not allowing Ram to see the way she was dressed quite yet.
Though Subaru was no longer technically employed under the Mathers Estate, she figured that adopting the maid uniform as a sort of nostalgic call back would be a fun way to announce her new found identity.
And it was terrifying.
Is it too tight? My legs are so exposed! Is my make up okay? These thoughts clouded Subaru’s mind, filling it with an increasing amount of anxiety as moments passed before Ram’s response.
Rem, although her memories weren’t restored, had been accepting. Having already experienced his “cross-dressing” before. Now it was just a permanent fixture of who she would be. No longer cross-dressing, simply, dressing.
Ram let out a small snort, “Ha, as if Ram were ever in need of Barusu’s help with anything.”
“At least let me peel the tatos.” Subaru called back, pushing back the bangs that fell in front of her eyes. She wore the wig that she had designed for Natsumi Schwartz, and though she had not adopted the name, she still felt the trust in her that resided in the hair.
“Fine, but be sure not to get into Ram’s way.”
She took a deep breath and stepped through the doorway. Across the rows of prep tables Ram was busy, but when she finally looked up and Subaru walked into the room she raised an eyebrow. Looking at the way she was dressed.
“What’s the meaning of this Barusu?”
“Ehh, about that Nee-sama. I was wondering if you could refer to me with feminine pronouns? From here on?”
Her heart was beating like a drum, trilling louder and louder until she feared the only thing that she would be able to hear was her own heart in her chest.
Ram narrowed her eyes for a brief moment, “Is this some game you are playing at Barusu?”
Subaru’s heart dropped like lead in water, the threat of tears beginning to prickle in her eyelids. “N-No? I was…hoping that you would be okay…with this…”
After a beat, Ram let out a sigh, “Very well. Does this somehow affect your usefulness at peeling tatos?”
“Huh?” Subaru asked, confused.
“Are you still able to peel tatos?”
“Oh! Uh…yes?”
“Well if you wish to look the part of a maid then you must play the part. Get to it Barusu.”
“Of course! I’ll peel them so well it’ll be like they were never not peeled!” Subaru rushed over to the counter and began to work.
Together the two maids did their work in mutual silence, something that Subaru was grateful for. Gave her time to slow her breathing and be happy in the seeming acceptance she had found in someone she respected so dearly.
“The uniform does not fit properly though, so Ram will have to help you get fitted with a better one.”
“You’d do that Nee-sama?” Subaru asked.
“Indeed, Ram cannot have another little sister looking so drab. It would reflect badly upon the estate.”
Subaru smiled brightly, “Thank you Nee-sama.”
Ram looked away, hiding what Subaru hoped to presume was a smile of her own, “Leave it to Barusu to make more work for Ram.”
Subaru overlooked a field of flowers, the gentle breeze making them ebb and flow like the ocean. The smell of their perfume was glorious with the fragrance of the spring. She had set up a picnic in the meadows, her favorite foods in a spread, along with Emilia’s favorites.
“This is the big one…” She let out a breath, the pent up anxiety wasn’t as bad as with Ram. Since this time she had some practice coming out.
“I do feel a little bad using Ram as a practice run, but I had to start somewhere!” Subaru spoke to the wind.
She wore a black sleeveless sundress, the folds dancing in the wind in a way that made her feel alive. And free. A carefully prepared setting and picnic, it had to be perfect. For the woman she loved fast approached, having been sent for with a letter.
Subaru wondered to herself if it made her any… less of a woman to be in love with another woman. After all, we’re girls supposed to like boys?
But she refused. There were no rules when it came to her heart. Despite what was supposed to happen, she would change the very stars if it meant she could be with Emilia. That did not change, even if her gender did.
But it made her worried how others would view Emilia. For a half-elf to have a trangender knight must be a spectacle.
That was until she remembered Felix.
And with the reminder of the effeminate catboy Subaru was able to shrug off a lot of the worry that came with the new predisposition that she held. And she would hold on to it, like a precious stone, the truest version of herself.
“Hello? Sorry, I’m supposed to be meeting my knight here.”
Subaru turned to look at her, wearing her usual outfit of purple and white. A vision of beauty in a field of flowers, and she thanked God and Buddha for the gift of having eyes to view her with.
“Emilia-tan.” She said, having augmented her voice like she had in Guaral. It was almost unrecognizable, more androgynous. Closer to herself.
Emilia tilted her head, visibly confused. “I’m sorry, but have we met?”
Subaru drew a hand up to her forehead, feigning being wounded. “Emilia-tan has forgotten me! How terrible! I’ll never be able to face the day again!”
Emilia narrowed her eyes before realizing with a gasp, “Subaru!”
She smiled and winked at Emilia, “I’ve been caught!”
“Wow! You look reaaaaally pretty! But why are you dressed like that?”
Subaru blushed at the praise, “Well, I wanted to tell you that I have decided to change my gender…”
“Change your gender? You can do that?!” Emilia yelped out, confused.
“Yeah, it happened a bit in my hometown. People would dress more closely to the gender that aligned with what they felt inside. Sometimes they would change their names or how others address them.”
“Sort of like how Felix does?”
Subaru chuckled, “Not exactly, Felix still identifies as a man! I’m a woman, I think I always was one inside. But it’s something that I just realized recently. Kinda dumb of me to realize so late huh?”
Emilia approached quickly, touching a gentle and soft hand to her knight’s cheek. “Not at all! Don’t talk bad about yourself like that!”
Subaru stared into her amethyst eyes and found a reflection of someone she could live as. Truly live as, not just survive as. “Okay. I won’t. Heh, EMT.”
“Don’t tease me.” Emilia pouted, and then looked down, “So does that mean you’ll change your name?”
Subaru brought Emilia’s chin up, “No. I don’t think so. I don’t really feel dysphoric about my name, it’s a unisex name anyways. Plus it’s one of the last things I have from my parents. So it’s special to me.”
Emilia smiled, “Well that’s good. I always liked your name.”
“Me too.”
Holding each other so close like this, Subaru felt the heat coming from Emilia’s body. Something that made the butterflies begin to zoom around in her stomach like crazy. She wanted to get closer.
“There was actually something I wanted to talk to you about too. Subaru…”
Subaru tilted her head curiously at the half-elf. “What’s that Emilia-tan?”
Emilia looked apprehensive, “Wait! First, what was troubling you earlier?”
“Oh? Yeah! It was actually what we just talked about.” Subaru scratched her head.
“So you’re okay now?”
“Better than ever, now that I’m with you.”
Emilia blushed, before finally releasing the pent up emotion she so desperately seemed to want to release. “I love you!”
Subaru’s mind short circuited for a moment. “W-wait what?”
“I… love you, Subaru.”
She wanted to hear those words, again and again, until her mind was filled with the sound. Emilia just said it…even after I told her about myself…
“You do? Even though I’m going to be a girl from now on?” Subaru asked, her insecurities rearing its venomous head.
“Yes! Of course!” Emilia nodded profusely. “It doesn’t matter to me if you’re a boy or a girl! You’re Subaru. And I love Subaru.”
My heart’s going to burst! What’s with this adorable girl?! Subaru’s grin stretched from ear to ear. She couldn’t hold it anymore.
“Emilia-tan can I kiss you?”
Emilia blushed red but kept her gaze on her knight, “I wouldn’t dodge for the world.”
The two crashed into eachother, pulling eachother close for a fervently close kiss. Something so gentle yet filled with need, a living contradiction. One that felt like a competition to Subaru. Their bodies melded together in the bright daylight, among the flowers that swayed with the lovers.
When they finally broke apart, they stared into each other's eyes, foreheads pressed against one another. Enrapt by their loves being so close.
“I love you.” They said together, a simple profession.
But filled with truth.