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Azriel was standing near the exit as usual. He did it out of habit, whether to make sure he could monitor who came in and who went out, or to make a run for it and escape the crowd if it got to be too much. He thought it was a dumb idea to celebrate Solstice with the Court of Nightmares. He hated these people with a passion. Their wickedness hadn’t improved with the centuries. It didn’t help that the most vile man in Prythian ran it, Keir. Azriel had a standing personal vendetta against the asshole for how he treated Mor and for how he still tries to humiliate her. No one fucks with his family if he has any say in it. Azriel knows Keir’s reckoning will come soon, and he will be the first in line, after Mor, of course, to get his due.
Despite no longer feeling the same way about Mor as he did over 500 years, she still meant a lot to him, just like Rhys, Cassian, Feyre, Nesta, and even the aloof Amren. He would risk his life for any of them. But his heart now belonged to someone else—someone he hurt deeply and blew his chance with. He knew he hurt her, saw it on her face that last Solstice, and his gut still twists every time he recalls it. Of course, he could have gone back to her, apologized, and explained, but what would be the point? He doesn’t deserve her. Rhys was right about that one thing. He was wrong about everything else. He didn’t feel entitled to her, and she wasn’t a pastime to him, to fuck and discard. She was precious to him, but he wasn’t worthy of her. She deserved a male who could give her everything she dreamed of—things they talked about when no one else was around. That someone was not him. Maybe she could find those things with her mate. Whether the Cauldron made a mistake with their bond or not, he wasn’t going to interfere.
She was here tonight, as was everyone from the inner circle. Azriel saw her walk in with Nesta, just behind Rhys and Feyre. Tonight, she chose a midnight-blue gown instead of the black one she wore last year. He thought she looked lovely then, but tonight she was stunning, shimmering like a shooting star. Azriel had to hide in his shadows to avoid curious eyes noticing his stare and the longing in his eyes. She is so damn beautiful it hurts, and he misses her to the point of pain. Misses her laughter, the joy she brings to everything she does, how even the plants seem to perk up when they hear her voice. He misses those eyes looking at him as if he were the center of the universe. He misses sharing her silence, her peace and quiet. He would beg on his knees for a chance to redo what happened at Solstice, to prevent that catastrophe altogether, avoid the almost kiss… just so he could stay her friend, so he could at least bask in the warmth of her company. Now, all he has are memories of what could have been, brushes of fingers, conversations that meant more than words could say, and two Solstice gifts he keeps on his nightstand like a shrine to the love that never was.
Everyone is dancing, except him. He feels like one of the ugly monsters of stone that line the halls of this court, standing guard but never moving, watching but never participating. He would ask her to dance, but Rhys would probably kill him if he so much as approached her tonight. Especially tonight.
Azriel was still brooding and half hidden in his shadows when someone passed by offering cups of fairy wine. On a whim, he grabbed one of the cups and downed it. The fae female holding the tray stared at him with glee. Odd, he thought, they usually want to cut and run in his presence. Then he noticed the fae female avoiding every single person who tried to reach for a cup, not letting anyone grab the cups on her tray, until she was standing in front of the dais where Rhys and Feyre were making a gross display of “affection” sitting on the throne. Rhys says it is for show, but I think they both enjoy it. That is their kink, exhibitionism, whether they realize it or not.
The fae female with the tray courtsied and offered wine to both Rhys and Feyre; they didn’t take it, and the female looked almost offended. Then she moved to Cassian and Nesta, who are also dancing suggestively, with Cassian’s hands under Nesta’s skirt. For the love of the Mother, these couples should get a room already. They rejected the female’s offer, and now the fairy is even more upset. That’s when he first felt it. A warm, cozy feeling in his stomach, and the goosebumps on his arms. Next thing he knew, his cock was rock hard and painful, pushing against his trousers. What the fuck!? Unrelenting need filled his senses, and his eyes narrowed on the one person he wanted to satiate it with. It was an overwhelming, almost overpowering desire to take her right here in this ballroom.
What is happening to him!? He felt dizzy with arousal, and his shadows were erratically moving about him, as if trying to contain him. He saw the fae female, still holding her tray, looking around the room until she narrowed her gaze towards Elain, who was standing to the side of the ballroom, by herself, looking at the dancing crowd. As if in slow motion, Azriel watched the female curtsy to Elain and offer her a cup of wine. Elain took the cup and, as she was tipping it into her mouth, he yelled, “No!” But he was too late; she had downed the contents in one sitting. No one heard him over the music and the strident noise of the thousand fairies packed in this ballroom. He was focused on Elain, and for one agonizing minute, he thought he was going to pass out with the overwhelming desire coursing through his veins. He needed to get to her before whatever was in this wine also overwhelmed her, and any of these wicked people took advantage of her state. He was about to ask his brothers for help, but they were gone. Rhys and Feyre were no longer sitting on the throne, and Cassian and Nesta were not on the dance floor. Mor had left early, not wanting to be a single minute more in the presence of her father, and Amren had left with Varian not 30 minutes before. Fuck! The couples were probably already fucking somewhere, while he and Elain were left to their own devices. They always leave her by herself!
Azriel prayed to the Mother to lend him the strength to winnow her to safety without succumbing to the crushing want —the need to consume her whole. She was already showing signs of her own arousal. Skin flushed, chest heaving, and then her eyes found his, and the air was knocked out of his lungs. He saw not just desire, but longing, pain, and love. He winnowed to her, held her in his arms, and enveloped her in his shadows. He didn’t know where to take her, to keep her safe, to avoid scrutiny, and most of all, the ire of Rhys. He decided to winnow them to the cabin in Windhaven. No one had been there since autumn, the conditions in winter being less than ideal for anything other than Illyrian warrior training. When they appeared in the cabin, he let her go and stepped away from her with great effort. They were both panting, and their combined arousal was thick in the air.
He busied himself lighting up the fire in the main room, as well as the fireplace in the only bedroom available. He could feel her eyes on him. Still standing in the middle of the room, shivering, and not from the cold. She broke the silence first.
“What did they give us?” Her voice sounded shaky, out of breath.
“Fairy wine spiked with aphrodisiac herbs. They must have used all of them based on the way it feels. Probably a blend of Shatavari, Damiana, and Red Clover grown in the mountains of Vallahan. They are known for their potent magical properties, which enhance male vigor and female libido. Many couples use it to spice up their sex life. Some unscrupulous males use them to make females more compliant to their advances.” Azriel said that last part with evident distaste and discomfort.
Elain whimpered and doubled down, hugging her middle, chest heaving.
“Az, I can’t… Please, help me… what do we do?”
“I… think we have to wait until it leaves our system. Based on the current effects, we are probably looking at 4 hours before it is completely gone. Elain, you have to lock yourself in the bedroom. I don’t think we have felt the full effects yet…”
“What!? No! Please, it can’t get worse than this.”
“It will, look at me, I’m serious. Lock yourself in the bedroom! Now!”
She ran to the bedroom and locked it as he asked. Az breathed a sigh of relief. He needed to put distance between them. The blend appeared not just to enhance potency and libido. It was also causing him to lose his inhibitions and self-control. Layer by layer, the walls he built around himself, around his mind, were coming down, and it was getting harder and harder to remember why he needed to stay away from her. Rhys! Yes! Rhys ordered it. Also, no! He could not be one of those immoral males taking advantage of a drugged female. He would die first. If he was going to have Elain, he was going to have her sober, of her own free will, not like this.
A powerful wave of arousal hit him like a punch in the stomach. He needed to do something, anything, to distract him from the scent coming from the closed bedroom. That sweet scent of hers, that drove him to madness that Solstice and made him forget who he was, what he was. He was shaking, sweat dripping from his forehead. Everything in him was hypersensitive. His trousers felt so tight, he thought they were going to rip by the force of his erection. He was going to kill whoever spiked their drinks, starting with that devious female who served it to them.
He found a blanket draped on the couch and went to cover the bottom gap of the bedroom door to prevent Elain’s scent from wafting into the main area. It helped somewhat. Then she spoke through the door.
“Az? Are you there?”
“Yes, I’m here.” He slid to the floor and sat down with his wings wrapped around him and his back to the door.
“Why would someone do this?” She was panting heavily as she spoke.
“I don’t know, could be a prank, or just a way to incapacitate or neutralize the inner circle.” Some of her scent reached his nostrils, and he looked for another gap to cover, but realized it was coming from the keyhole of the door.
“Elain. Can you please put the key in the keyhole? Do not open the door by any means; leave the key in the keyhole.”
“Why?”
“Because your scent is coming through it. I am finding it increasingly difficult to control myself. Your scent… it is making things worse.”
“Does my scent bother you that much? Is it repulsive to you?”
“What? No!” Repulsive? He would bottle that scent and keep it on his nightstand if he could.
“Az. Why didn’t you kiss me last Solstice?”
Oh no. Azriel forgot that the herbs have different effects on females. It not only makes them more amenable to mating but also more emotional and attached to the male in question.
“Elain. You are feeling the effects of the herbs. We don’t want to have that conversation when we are both in this state.”
“We don’t even talk anymore. You have been avoiding me. Right now may be the only chance I’ll ever have to be alone with you, to talk to you, and ask that question. So please answer anyway. My heart needs to know.”
He sighed deeply. His heart squeezed, hearing her speak like that, as if he had avoided her of his own accord. As if he didn’t want her with every fiber of his being.
“I wanted to kiss you. I would have kissed you. Rhys stopped me and ordered me to stay away from you.” He decided to come clean. Maybe it was the wine doing the talking, but he had thought about telling her the truth every single day since, especially as his shadows reported seeing her cry on multiple occasions while alone in her garden.
“Why?” Her voice was almost a whisper, and despite the devastating desire invading his body, his heart just wanted to hold her, soothe the hurt he caused.
“Because you have a mate, and it would cause a rift with several of our allies. Because your mate could call a Blood Duel and challenge me to fight to the death.”
She remained silent for a long time, and he heard her pacing around the room. He realized this would lead to another conflict with Rhys. However, she had the right to know. That night, Elain should have been part of the discussion because she is an adult, and Rhys had no right to make choices impacting her without at least informing her.
“Everyone believes they can make decisions on my behalf. I'm exhausted by all of this, by everything. I no longer want to pretend that none of this affects me. I don’t want to continue being the peacekeeper, the mediator, or the one who yields. I just want to live my life on my own terms. Why is that so hard? I never wanted a mate or asked for one. I have made it clear in more ways than one that I want nothing to do with him, yet they still force me to see him, to sit in the same room as him, as if just being near him will make me love him. This bond feels like a curse. They say only death can break it—maybe that’s what needs to happen for me to be free of this burden. Perhaps in another life, I will be able to do what I want, be who I want, and love whom I choose.
“Elain, please don’t say that. You are emotional right now because of the herbs in the wine; you don’t want to die. You have so much to live for. A lifetime to make your dreams come true. You don’t have to accept your bond if you don’t want to. The choice was always yours. You can live your life far from him if you want, but please do not ever think of death as the only solution.”
Azriel was scared. His mind went back to the days in the House of Wind, when she was wasting away. One of the rare times Nesta allowed him to visit them, he sat near the window with her, just keeping her company, trying to get her to drink some tea and eat some cookies. She nibbled a cookie and spoke to the wind —not to him —saying how it would be easier if she could fly and hear the wind's song, like the Illyrians do. She wanted to open the window to listen to the wind’s howl call to her. “I don’t have wings,” she said, “But I still want to feel the wind as I fall.” Azriel immediately, upon leaving her room, secured the windows from the outside so they could not be opened and told Nesta not to let her near any balconies or verandas. She never attempted anything, but he was afraid that if the opportunity presented itself, she might take it.
“Az. Would it be so bad if we let ourselves have this? One night?”
His heart squeezed. How could he tell her that he wanted nothing more than just one night, that one moment, but that he didn’t want to live a life with the knowledge of how her lips tasted, how she felt in his arms, or what it was like to be inside her? It would be easier to go through life not knowing than to have that knowledge and never have her again.
“No, sweetheart. We would just be torturing ourselves. If we give in to this tonight, you will regret it tomorrow, you will feel used.”
“I would never feel used by you. You were my friend first and foremost. I know you love me, even if you don’t want to be with me; you love me enough to want my happiness. I still do not understand why you didn’t tell me. I am not upset that you didn’t kiss me; I am more upset that you pushed me aside and abandoned me, as if our friendship meant nothing. I miss you so much, it hurts.”
His heart broke in two at those words, and tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He swallowed hard. He did abandon her, knowing full well his actions had hurt her, leaving her without a single explanation. She was just as lonely as he was. That’s why they drifted toward each other; they found comfort in each other's company. He did love her, too much for his own good, which is why he had to stay away — to protect himself from heartache. He had been selfish. He did not consider what staying away did to her.
"I’m sorry, sweetheart. I never meant to hurt you or abandon you. I thought I was doing the right thing by stepping aside to let you follow your destiny. I didn’t want to interfere with your mating bond, only to have you regret it later. I believed I was being selfish, wanting to keep you just a little longer. I thought you would eventually find your way to your mate, and I didn’t want to risk a broken heart with that possibility."
“Az. If I told you I love you, and that I would choose you over my mate in this lifetime or any other, would you believe me?”
Azriel was shedding silent tears; despite the aphrodisiac herbs, the pain in his chest overpowered him.
“Please, Elain, you are breaking my heart. I am not worthy of your love. Never have.”
“Do you love me, Az? Not like a friend, but how a male loves a female?”
“I do. I love you more than anything I have loved in my entire miserable life. But I cannot be the male you want me to be. You deserve a male who can give you all the things you dream of.”
“Why do you, of all people, insist on telling me what I should want or whether you deserve me? You are not one of them, Azriel. You saw me, who I really am. You let me see you —the real you that doesn’t hide behind your shadows. You know I don’t care for titles; I don’t need riches or luxuries; I don’t need or want what my sisters have —what everyone thinks I should want. All I want is love. All I want is you.”
Elain opened the door and kneeled behind him. He was sitting on the floor, with his elbows on his knees, his wings drooping to the floor, and his face buried in his hands. She put her arms around his chest and rested her head on his shoulder, hugging him while he quietly sobbed. She held him like that for as long as he needed, saying not another word, letting him process everything she'd said. They had always felt comfortable in their silence and understood that sometimes words are unnecessary.
His shadows appeared next to Elain—tentatively inching towards her and Azriel. He had told her that the shadows had come to him when he was most alone in the world, when all he felt was despair and darkness surrounding him. They had been his company ever since. His shadows protected him, told him secrets. They had always vanished around her, perhaps because they knew he was safe with her. A shadow came to coil around Azriel’s neck, and it lightly caressed Elain’s cheek. She smiled at it.
Azriel’s sobs subsided after a while, and he grabbed her hands as they rested clasped on his chest. He lifted one of her hands to kiss her palm.
“Elain. You opened the door.”
“Yes, Azriel, I opened the door.”
“I don’t know that I can control my impulses with you so close to me.”
“You don’t have to. But I know you will. Your godsdamned restraint is legendary, honey. If I didn’t ask you to put that necklace on my neck, I don’t think you would have ever made a move.”
He laughed and half sobbed. She kissed the back of his head. He turned around and pulled her into a tight hug, burying his face in the crook of her neck and shoulder.
“I am sorry for saying it was a mistake, for leaving you without an explanation. I am sorry for abandoning you, for hurting you. If it is any consolation, I was miserable without you. So much I felt lost, adrift.”
“Promise me you will not walk away again. That whatever comes, we will face it together.”
“I promise, sweetheart. I am not going anywhere. But it will not be easy. Rhys will have my head.”
“I will not let him.”
She said it with such conviction that he believed her. Azriel knew that Elain had always had a quiet strength that people overlooked because she was sweet and kind, mistaking it for weakness.
Azriel stood up and pulled her up, holding her hands. He walked to sit on the couch with his wings draped over the back cushion. She took off her high heels and put them neatly next to the coffee table in the middle of the room. She tried to sit on the couch, as she usually did, with her feet tucked under her, but her dress was too constricting for that. She stood up, fidgeting with the dress, trying to figure out how to work with it. Her dress was skin-tight from the bodice down to her thighs, where it flared and expanded into a long tail at the back. It accentuated every curve. Azriel had never seen her wear anything like it, and it was the first time he had been able to admire the shape of her without swaths of fabric concealing it all. She was perfect in every way to him. She was not voluptuous like Feyre or Nesta, but her breasts were the ideal size, proportionate to her body. She had a small waist that accentuated her wide hips and the most gorgeous ass he had ever seen in his life. He realized too late that he was staring at her ass when she turned around to look at him.
“Az, when you look at me like that, it makes it really hard for me to resist throwing myself at you, like some wanton woman of the streets.”
Her chest was heaving again, as another wave of arousal from the spiked wine hit her. His own arousal was more than evident and extremely painful. He winced when he tried to accommodate himself. She ripped the slit of her dress up to mid-thigh to allow her to sit on the couch with her feet under her so she could double down on her stomach and press her forehead on the sofa cushion.
“Is there anything that we can do to calm this… I mean, besides…”
“A cold shower, maybe. But this cabin does not have a water heater. There is no way I am showering in freezing water.”
“Then we need to do something to distract ourselves from thinking about it. I read that your mind is your most powerful aphrodisiac. I think we can try the reverse. Make our minds be the cold shower.”
Azriel’s laughter resounded across the cabin. Her sense of humor always took him by surprise. Even when she was talking about something serious, she would say something that threw him for a loop. Maybe she didn’t mean to be funny, but that’s probably why it made him laugh harder. It was always unexpected. Elain went on,
“Ok. How about we play a game. The game of sharing the grossest things we’ve seen or done. Or the ugliest things about ourselves that no one knows. Like a festival of self-deprecation.”
“That sounds right up our alley. The self-deprecation king and queen.”
This time, it was Elain who lost it. Giggling like a little girl, and he wanted nothing more than to pull her to his lap and kiss her breathless…Oh, for the love of the Mother, another wave of arousal. Azriel forced himself to cover his face with a decorative pillow that smelled musty to prevent Elain’s scent from reaching his nostrils. He groaned at the intensity of the wave. It was becoming unbearable. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, avoiding looking at Elain at all costs, while covering his face with the pillow.
“Az, are you ok?”
“Nope, not ok at all. Stay where you are. Don’t come near me for a minute, please.”
“What a predicament they put us in. It’s almost like the fates are fucking with us.”
“Elain Archeron, did I just hear you curse?”
“Blame Nuala and Cerridwen.”
“Elain. I’m sorry to have to be crude, but I have never been in this much pain, and I need to do something about it. So I apologize if I don’t answer you for the next couple of minutes.”
“Why?”
“Elain. Have you heard of blue balls?”
“I thought it was something mortal men invented to make women feel guilty for not sleeping with them. At least that is what Nesta said….. Oh! Oh! I’m sorry…”
She got absolutely quiet after that, and he chuckled, imagining her face as she realized what he was implying.
Azriel took care of business in the bathroom, getting a modicum of relief from the pressure. It had only been an hour since they arrived, and they had at least three more hours of this nightmare. He washed his hands and looked at himself in the mirror. His shadows were resting, hanging in the corners, watching him, calm. They hadn’t been that calm in a very long time. He called to them and they came. One of the shadows whispered, and he laughed, “Behave, my friends!” he told them in a mock scolding tone. Sometimes his shadows told him secrets about others, and sometimes they just gave him advice.
He left the bathroom and found Elain coiled like a worm on the couch.
“Elain, are you ok?”
“No. This is also painful for me. Do females get blue balls as well?”
She said it so deadpan that he had to look at her to make sure she wasn’t joking. She was being serious.
“Sweetheart, females don’t have balls.”
“Az! You know what I mean! I know I don’t have balls. I mean, as far as I know… but can females get something similar to blue balls if they don’t relieve their… urges?”
“Elain. I am sure females don’t have the equivalent of blue balls, but that doesn’t mean what you are experiencing isn't uncomfortable. Perhaps you can go to the room and relieve yourself?”
She blushed deeply and stayed coiled on the couch.
“You know how to relieve yourself, right?”
“Of course! I’m not a maiden!”
“Then why don’t you do it?”
“I don’t think I would be able to relax knowing you are in the next room.”
He understood and didn’t press her further.
“Ok. Let’s try your game. What is the grossest thing you have seen?”
She straightened up, her face grave as she met his eyes.
“Prepare yourself. This story is from when we were human.”
It was the first time she ever talked about being human without sadness in her eyes. As if she finally left that life behind.
“Nesta and I were walking to town, and we saw one of the farmers with his cow on the side of the road. He was milking the cow and filling up bottles to sell them in town. We noticed that one bottle had milk that looked yellower, so we asked why it looked different from the others, and he said it wasn’t milk. Turns out the cow had an abscess, and when he drained it, he collected the fluid in the bottle. Nesta and I were already grossed out, but something worse happened. I still think about this and I want to wretch.”
“What? What happened?”
“The town bully and his son, Thomas, walked by and took the bottle from the farmer, claiming that he owed them money, so they were entitled to a free bottle of milk. Thomas put the bottle to his lips and took a big swig of it.”
“Noooooo!”
“Yes!”
“The fates smiled upon us that day, because Thomas Mandray deserved every bit of that bottle of puss he drank that day.”
“Ok, this is working, Elain. I’m so grossed out that I don’t think I’ll be able to get it up any time soon.”
“Az!”
Elain’s laughter came in squeals and snorts. She sounded like a piggie, and they laughed even harder at that. Every time they tried to stop, she snorted again, and they would fall into another fit of laughter.
“Ok, your turn now, Azriel. What’s the grossest thing you have had to witness?”
“I am not sure mine will top yours, and it will probably make you not want to eat at the House of Wind ever again.”
“Oh no… now you have to tell me.”
“You have to swear secrecy. This story never leaves this room. I’m serious.”
“Promise. I’m a tomb. I’m pretty good at keeping secrets.”
“Alright. So, you know how I was supposed to be ‘Chaperone’ for Cassian and Nesta when she first moved there?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I knew those two had a thing for each other, but your sister was always so mean and vicious to him that I thought she would never give him a chance. I was wrong. She gave him a chance, alright. I was heading to the dining room for supper, minding my own business, when I heard Cassian grunt and make certain noises indicating he was in female company, so I figured I would cockblock him like he has done to me many times over the centuries, and barged into the dining room. Except that it was not just any female, but your sister, giving special treatment to Cassian’s…” He said, gesturing towards his crotch. “At the table, where I was going to eat my dinner.”
“No! No, they didn’t. At the dining table?”
“Yep. And the dining room reeked of sex. I lost my appetite.”
“Well, I’m not sure I would classify that as 'gross', unsavory maybe, but gross? Uh, debatable."
"Elain, are you telling me that having sex in the dining room, where I eat my meals, is just “unsavory”? Would you have sex on the table where everybody eats?”
Too late, he realized that the mental image was now slowly creeping into his mind. Elain splayed out on the table, while he went down on her. Mother, save him!
“Don’t answer that!” He quickly added.
“The answer is. It depends.” She smirked at him and gave him a knowing look.
“Elain. Please don’t look at me like that. We have at least two and a half hours left until the effects of the wine leave our system.”
“Has anyone from the Inner Circle tried reaching out? What if they are in danger?”
“They are not in danger. Rhys has tried to poke my mental shields three times in the past half hour. Mor also reached out, and she said they just wanted to make sure you were ok. I didn’t give her details, but I told her you were with me and safe. I don’t want to talk to Rhys right now. It would not go well. Unless you want me to say something to him?”
“No. Let him stew in it for a bit! I wonder if they also drank the wine. I mean, they disappeared on me, all four of them.”
“I know, sweetheart, I noticed. They leave you alone like that a lot, don’t they?”
“Yes.” She answered, looking down at her hands clasped on her lap. She quickly added, “But I don’t blame them, they are in love, and want to be alone with each other. I usually get the hint and make myself scarce when Rhys and Feyre give each other the look.”
“They should not just disappear on you like they did tonight, though. They should at least have made sure you got home safely. If I had not been there, you would have been alone, at the mercy of the Court of Nightmares crowd, while under the influence of spiked wine. I’m going to rip them a new one when I see them next. Not just Rhys, but Cassian too.”
“You are right, of course. But I hope they all have a good explanation for it. I am glad you were there.” She looked at him from under her eyelashes. Mother above, how much longer will the effects of the wine make him want to rip that dress off her and kiss her from head to toe? Another wave of arousal came, and his nostrils flared, scenting her own arousal.
“Azriel…” Her voice sounded like a plea.
“Elain…” His voice was thick with desire, chest heaving, with his fists curled at his sides. Holding for dear life to the remnants of his crumbling restraint. As if in slow motion, he saw her crawling on the couch towards him. His head went quiet, and he saw his own hands reach for her waist, lifting her to his lap. It was an out-of-body experience, watching himself tug her dress up over her thighs to allow her to straddle him. No, it was not him feeling her ass, pressing her core to his straining erection. It was not him sliding his hand to the nape of her neck, entwining it in her hair, and tugging on it so he could claim her mouth, the way he wanted—the way he should have done that solstice night.
Elain moaned as she, too, was claiming his mouth, with the same hunger he was claiming hers. Tongues swirling against one another, teeth nipping lips, tasting, teasing, hungry. The kiss was messy, and desperate, but sweet and surrendering at the same time. He had waited centuries for this kiss because he was waiting for her all this time. They ate at each other, as if they needed it to survive. Their heartbeats synchronized in a single, frantic, unending rhythm. Elain began to move against him, keening and moaning his name onto his lips. Azriel felt his own hands grab her ass, helping her move the way she needed, to create the friction she craved. She panted and whined against his mouth, clutching at his shoulders as if her life depended on it. The sounds she was making, her kisses, her scent, were conspiring to undo him before he could help her achieve her own release. The realization of what was happening made him pull back from the kiss, remove his hands from her. She whined and reached for him again,
“Don’t stop, please!”
“Sweetheart, it’s the wine talking. Please have mercy on me, I am using the last little bit of my restraint to stop us from succumbing to this. I don’t want to take advantage of you in this state. Please.”
“You are not taking advantage. Not if I want it. I have wanted it for so long, Azriel!”
He pulled her into a hug, but made no move to kiss her again.
“I only want to make sure you are sober, that you are fully conscious of what you are doing, and not merely being driven by the arousal brought on by the wine. Please, at least let us wait until its effects have passed.” He touched her forehead with his, gave her a chaste kiss on the lips, and then grabbed her by the waist to set her back down on the couch next to him.
Elain curled up into a fetal position and didn’t say anything. He stayed where he was, waiting for her to come down from the intense arousal they were both feeling. After a minute, he excused himself again to go to the bathroom and relieve himself once more. When he returned, Elain was in the kitchen, rummaging through cupboards.
“I am not sure we have anything to eat here. It has been months since anyone stayed in this cabin.” He offered unhelpfully.
Elain looked at him with an inscrutable expression on her face and returned to her task. Throwing every single cabinet and drawer open. Surprisingly, she started to pull some items out. He tentatively walked to the kitchen to see what she was up to.
“What are you planning to make?”
“You’ll see when it’s done.” She spoke without turning to look at him.
“Are you mad at me?”
“A little.”
“Is this our first fight?” He said teasingly, attempting to lighten the mood.
She finally turned around to meet his eyes. He detected the barest hint of a smile when the corner of her lips lifted for a fraction of a second.
“Well, are you going to help, or just gawk?”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Find me some baking pans and turn on the stove. I am praying there is wood somewhere here and not buried in the snow outside.”
He found some wood near the fireplace, some kindling, and matches. He placed the wood at the bottom of the firebox, set the kindling alight, and added more wood on top. He closed the firebox and set about finding some pans. Elain was busy measuring the ingredients for what he guessed might be some bread, since there was only flour and sugar on the counter. He found some pans and showed them to her one by one. She shook her head at all of them, except the last one, which looked like a regular cast-iron pot.
Elain started mixing the ingredients, adding more flour or water as needed, and complained that the water was indeed freezing. She had flour all over the front of her beautiful gown, but she looked happy, so he didn’t say a word. She had told him ages ago, when he still could spend time with her in the Townhouse’s kitchen and garden, that baking and gardening were more than hobbies to her. They were her only way to cope with strong emotions, helping her think more clearly and gain perspective. She had a look of concentration as she kneaded the dough, her tongue sticking out a little between her teeth. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her, bite that little tongue, and kiss her once again. He held back, as he always did, fighting through the wine-induced arousal that was building once more. He walked over to the couch, creating some distance between them. He heard a crash in the kitchen and turned around. She was clutching her abdomen and steadying herself on the counter as if she was about to pass out. He got up from the sofa, but she raised her hand, stopping him.
“Stay where you are. Don’t come near me, or I will not let you stop me this time.” She panted, chest heaving, face flushed. Another wave of arousal was hitting her, he realized, and he immediately scented it. He ran to hold the pillow to his face before he was overwhelmed by her scent. This situation was entirely ridiculous. How much longer before the effects dulled down? It had already been two and a half hours, and the intensity of the arousal should have become less acute by now.
“I have to let the dough rest and expand before I can put it in the oven. How long do we have before the effects of this thing go away?”
“We have about one and a half to two hours, I think. I am not sure, because I have never dealt with something so potent as this.”
Elain sighed in resignation. She stayed in the kitchen for what seemed like an eternity, seemingly waiting for the wave of arousal to die down. Then, she joined him on the couch.
“Ok. Let’s play another game in the meantime. The Self-Deprecation game. What is the ugliest part of your body no one knows about, something no one would ever guess?”
“My belly-button. I hate my belly button.”
“What? Why? You answered that way too fast, as if you had been loathing that belly-button for centuries.”
“I have loathed it ever since I was able to see myself in a mirror. I didn’t care for it the first time I saw it.”
Elain couldn’t help it. She had to laugh. That was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. Most people would say, I don’t like my feet, or I don’t like this freckle. But Az hated his belly button.
“I have to see this belly button.”
“No.”
“Come on, show me your belly button. I will tell you if I agree with your assessment about it being the ugliest part of your body.”
“I fear if you see my belly button, you will not love me anymore.”
“Az, honey, I would love you, even if you had no belly button.” His eyes softened at her words. He still could not believe she loved him and that she would choose him over her mate. Mating bonds are what every fae grows up praying to the Mother for. A bond that is supposed to connect two souls for eternity. But it was all a carefully crafted lie. He began questioning the Cauldron long before learning that it had been corrupted by the Daglan millennia ago to force pairings that would create powerful offspring. His disappointment in his faith had begun centuries before, when he met Morrigan. He was sure she was his mate; he felt it in his bones, but she never accepted him, and the bond never snapped for them. Just like Elain with Lucien, she avoided him, kept him at a distance, and even slept with Cassian to keep him at bay. Then he met Elain and learned that love, true love, eclipses a mating bond. The Cauldron bonds were never meant to bring two perfectly matched souls together. Only love can do that.
“Az, where did you go just now? Is Rhys trying to reach you again?”
“Uh, No. I was thinking about the Cauldron. Not important.”
“Are you deflecting so you don’t have to show me this hideous belly button you’re talking about?” She always knew when not to press a subject further with Azriel. He had his secrets and his demons. He loved her for it. One day, he would share those secrets and demons with her. She already knew more about him and saw through him better than his centuries-old friends.
“I’ll show you my belly button, once you tell me what you think is the ugliest part of your body.”
“Oh, is this a ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ ploy?”
“Something like that.”
“Alright. My ugliest body part was on full display tonight. Let it be known that if I had a say on what gown I wore tonight, this,” Elain gestured to her gown, “would not have been my choice. But Feyre insisted despite my protests. I do not like to wear skin-tight clothing, precisely because it accentuates that part of my body I am most self-conscious about. My ass.”
Azriel was speechless. She thought her ass was ugly, and he could not wait to get his hands on it again. He will show her real soon how wrong she is.
“Sweetheart, I have to be honest. I had never seen the shape of your ass until tonight, and I think it is the most beautiful ass I have ever seen in my life.”
She blushed a deep red, and she looked at her hands in her lap.
“It’s part of my childhood trauma that I’ll explain one day. Right now, I just want you to show me that belly button.”
“Alright, ugh!” He rolled his eyes like a petulant child, but proceeded to remove his fine jacket, draping it over the sofa’s arm. He stood up and untucked his shirt. All the while, Elain had the look of a kid anticipating the opening of his Solstice gift. He lifted his shirt to his midriff and waited for her to say something.
“Azriel, I can’t see your belly button when you are standing on the opposite side of the couch. Come closer so I can inspect it.”
He moved closer, standing a foot away from her. She sat up on the couch to look closer, eyes leveled with his belly button. She was squinting at it.
“Yeah… I know what you mean now. It’s so twisted and gnarly. I can’t believe they let you go out in public.”
“You are being sarcastic.”
“Of course I am! Your belly button is normal. I thought maybe it was because you were an outie or something, but it looks just like mine. It’s perfectly average. On a not-so-average, deliciously sculpted abdomen.” She ran her hands over his abs, biting her lower lip.
“Elain…stop.”
Before he could stop her, she planted a kiss over his belly button, while her hands continued caressing his torso. It took a gargantuan effort on his part to step away from her.
“Ugh, you are no fun!”
“So, all this time, you were just using my belly button as an excuse to get your hands on my abs? I feel used.”
“Can you blame me? You’re so perfect, it's unfair.”
He blushed. Elain always made him blush when she complimented him. He knew she would never say these things to him if she weren’t under the influence of the spiked wine, but he took the compliment nonetheless. The herbs in the wine just removed the filter, and the layers of inhibitions that keep you from blurting out your intrusive thoughts and the things you want to hide from others. They were essentially seeing each other without the barriers and pretenses, saying the things they had always wanted to say but considered inappropriate, and laying bare all the feelings they had kept under lock and key.
“Sweetheart, do you realize that you are devastatingly beautiful? I have nothing on you. That smile of yours can light up an entire city. Those eyes can swallow continents in their depths. The grace with which you move about the world is awe-inspiring. You are perfect in every way.” She blushed from head to toe; her eyes were entirely focused on his. He leaned in to give her a quick peck on the lips and moved to the other side of the couch to prevent them from succumbing to their need again.
She sighed heavily and looked toward the kitchen. She got up to check the dough, and it had doubled in size. She dusted some flour on the bottom of the pot, placed the dough in it, and then opened the oven door next to the firebox. Since they didn’t have a thermometer here, she had to guess whether they needed to add more wood to the fire or adjust the air intake. She deemed the temperature acceptable as it was and put the bread inside the oven.
“Note the time, Az. The bread should be ready in about 30 minutes.”
“Noted.”
She came back to sit on the couch, and Az got up to add more wood to both the living room and bedroom fireplaces to ensure they didn’t die down.
“We have about another hour and a half left, I hope. How are you feeling?
“Right now, I am fine. It comes in waves. The waves seem to be coming farther apart now. Still very intense, but not as frequent as before.”
“Good. I was worried that we were dealing with some ancient magic on top of the herbs.”
“Do you mind if I take a nap while we wait for the bread? I wish we had a timer.”
“I can ask my shadows to watch the bread for us and alert us when it’s ready.”
“The shadows can detect when the bread is done?”
“Something like that.”
“That is amazing, Az. One day, you need to tell me about all the shenanigans you and the shadows get into. Please don’t let me sleep too long. I am hungry too and want to eat a piece of warm bread.”
She curled up on the couch with her palms under her cheek, and less than five minutes later, she was asleep. Az gazed at her beautiful face as she rested. He loved her more than words could say. He wasn't just in love with her beauty but with who she was—the one who saw him and didn’t cower, who thought his hands were beautiful, who made him laugh a deep, joyful laugh, who shared dreams with him, and made him believe he could be worthy of love. He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. She stirred in her sleep but did not wake.
He wanted to keep watch over her. He knew it was only a matter of time before they found them. Rhys would not think of the cabin until they exhausted all other possibilities, because he knew Azriel hated Windhaven and what it represented. It would be the last place he would think to look for them. If Rhys showed up, he was sure there’d be a confrontation, and the last thing he wanted was for Elain to be in the crossfire.
Azriel walked to the fireplace and, using the poker, moved the coals to the new wood he added, which would continue to ignite. He did the same to the fireplace in the bedroom. Although the cabin had not been used for months, it was neither dirty nor dusty, and there were clean linens on the bed, indicating that someone had been coming to clean and maintain it. Azriel hoped no one would show up to clean in the morning. He didn’t want any ill rumors to start and reach the wrong ears. Although he didn’t care if people spoke ill of him, he would not allow anyone to speak ill of Elain. Fae culture does not take kindly to females who reject their mates and choose another male instead. She would be seen as an adulteress, regardless of whether she formally rejected the bond. When the effects of the wine wear off and they are both in their right minds again, he would tell her this, to make sure she understands the ramifications of their affair, before it goes any further.
Azriel went to the couch and sank into the cushions, sighing heavily; his posture defeated. He was deep in thought, brooding about what to do, when a shadow alerted him that the bread was done. Elain was still deep in her dreams, and he didn’t want to wake her, so he went to take out the bread from the oven. Placing the pot on the wooden counter, he closed the stove's air vents to smother the flames in the firebox. He spread out the remaining embers to prevent them from reigniting any remaining wood and closed the firebox door. A sleepy-eyed Elain poked her head from the couch and asked if the bread was done.
“Yes. I am just letting it cool off a bit before we cut it.”
“One of my favorite things is bending the rules, Az. I don’t wait until the bread is cooled off before I take a first bite.”
He smiled at that.
“A rule breaker. Welcome to the club.”
“I created the club. You just joined reluctantly.”
“Oh yeah, how so?”
“Well. Remember when they said I had to wear all black to the Court of Nightmares last year?”
“Yeah, you wore all black.”
“Nope. I was wearing pastel color underwear. I’m a rebel like that.”
Azriel chuckled.
“Oh, and when Rhys said I should serve Lucien some of my delicious pastries at Solstice. I made Nuala bring the tray instead.”
“What!? Rhys told you to serve Lucien food? The fucking bastard!”
Azriel was not amused. What game was Rhys playing at?
“Why are you upset? It was a joke?”
“Elain, have they explained to you how mating bonds are officially accepted in Prythian?”
“No, not really.”
“It is a symbolic gesture, but the female signifies acceptance of the bond by offering the male food.” Elain initially looked horrified, then her expression shifted to pure rage.
“I am going to kill Rhys when I see him.”
“That makes two of us.”
They cut pieces of bread and frantically searched for ale or wine hidden somewhere. They found a bottle of old ale in the ice box and split it between them, sitting down at the small dining table next to the kitchen. They were silent for a while, until Elain dropped her piece of bread on the table and doubled over. Another wave of arousal hit them both at the same time. They got up from the table quickly. He went to the sofa to grab the pillow, and she went to the bedroom. He saw her plop down on the bed face down. Her voice sounded muffled, but he heard her complain.
“Ahhh! How much longer do we have to go through this? I prefer to get aroused the normal way, not like this. It’s highly inconvenient. I really wanted to enjoy my bread in peace.”
“Sweetheart, not much longer. One hour. Why don’t you try sleeping again?”
“Az, I can’t relax right now. And please stop speaking to me in your sexy voice, I can’t take it.”
“My sexy voice? This is how I always talk.”
“Your voice is what women or females may refer to as bedroom or midnight voice.”
“No. I have no idea what that means.”
He was smirking. Of course, he knew what it meant. He was teasing her, trying to see how far he could push her to say these things.
“Are you telling me no female has ever told you that your voice makes them hot and bothered?"
"No. Please explain how my voice is making you hot and bothered right now.”
“Az! Stop, I know what you are doing. If you don’t want me to go over there and have my way with you, be quiet.”
She was expressing exactly what was on her mind, without restraint, and he loved it. If there was one good thing that came from them drinking spiked wine, it was that it let him see an unfiltered Elain. He hoped she would let this version of herself come out more often with him when she didn’t feel burdened by others' expectations. The wave of arousal faded, and she moved back to the sofa.
“Let’s play one final game of self-deprecation. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done in your life that very few people know about? I mean the kind of embarrassment that you wanted the ground to open up and swallow you.”
“Hmmm. I have over 5 centuries to comb through, Elain.”
“This embarrassing thing would stick to you for centuries, and you can never live it down. I’ll go first, so maybe you can get inspired.”
“All right, you go first. Let’s see what you got.”
“When I was 13, before my father lost his fortune, I had a crush on a boy who was the son of one of my father’s friends. They would come to our house quite often. We were sitting in the drawing room, and he asked for a quill pen, ink, and paper because he needed to write a note to a special friend. I directed him to my father’s desk, and he began writing. When he finished, he gave me the note. My heart jumped because he said the letter was for a special friend, and when I read it, it was obviously a love letter. I went to kiss him, and he stepped back, horrified. Too late, I realized the letter wasn’t addressed to me. He only gave it to me to read so I could share my opinion with him. I was mortified and left the drawing room crying. I never saw him again after that because I would hide in my room every time they came over.”
“Oh, sweetheart, I am sorry, that is truly devastating, more than embarrassing. Your first crush really crushed you. The little bastard did it on purpose. He knew you liked him and toyed with you.”
“Well, Nesta made fun of me for months and would make smooching noises every time she could. I still think about it and cringe. I was, and maybe still am, too much of a romantic fool, I guess.”
“I love that you are a romantic, and you are not a fool.”
She gave him a sweet smile.
“Ok, your turn. Have you thought of anything?”
“Yep. This incident happened when I was a youngling, about 17 years old. Also, Rhys and Cassian don’t know about this, so I don’t have to tell you this is strictly confidential. It was the first time we were allowed to leave the training camp, and we went to town to get wasted and maybe find some girls to fool around with. We were all virgins. Cassian and Rhys had no trouble getting ladies because, you know, Rhys is a smooth talker, and Cassian is Cassian. I was the shy kid with shadows around me. But this girl approached me, and she was nice, so she dragged me outside to a dark corner behind the establishment. I had never kissed a girl before, and when I went for it, we bumped heads so hard that I knocked a tooth out of her. She was bleeding and in so much pain, I didn’t know what to do. I just ran. The next time I saw her, I was maybe 20 years old. She looked at me with murderous eyes and gave me the finger and a feral smile with a gold tooth at the front.”
“Oh no! Oh Az! That is terrible!”
“Yep.”
“And she had a gold tooth…” She couldn’t help it. She burst out laughing. “You gave her a golden smile!” Azriel loved seeing her laugh—happy and healing—and he laughed along with her.
Elain shivered, and Az noticed that the fireplace fire was dimming. He went to add more firewood, but realized with horror that he had used the last of it for the stove. They were out of wood. He went to the bedroom, hoping that there would be some more there, but the fire in the room was also dying, and no firewood around. They were going to freeze to death. The temperature had dropped significantly since they arrived at the cabin, and the wind was howling outside.
"Elain. We have no more firewood; it's going to get really cold in here. We have two choices: I can take you to the River House and face Rhys now, or we can stay here. If we stay, we'll need to huddle under the covers, which means fighting through the next wave while in proximity to each other."
“Option #2. No brainer. That is how all romance books work, Az. Don’t you know? It’s always ‘Oh, there is only one bed at the inn’ or ‘there is no more firewood, so we have to warm each other with our bodies’. And bam, they kiss and have the most romantic love-making session ever.”
“Ok, if you put it that way, then we are going with option #3.”
“What is option #3?"
"I put a pillow between us, and the proximity thing will not matter.”
Elain scoffed.
“As if a pillow could stop me.”
“Elain! You are a menace, you know that, right?”
“What did you expect? I am a lady on the streets, a freak in the sheets.”
They burst out laughing at the same time.
“Your sisters have no clue, do they? They think you are the most prudish and timid of girls. They would be scandalized by the things you’ve said to me tonight.”
“Are you surprised? I know people think that because I am sweet and quiet, it somehow makes me a prude. I am just very private and only share this side of myself when I feel safe and when the situation demands it. Plus, spiked fairy wine just upped the ante.”
“Well, I love it, and if I have to be honest, I love sweet and quiet Elain, but unguarded and unfiltered Elain is a treat. Makes me love you more.”
“Aww, why do you have to be so godsdamned sweet! See, I never stood a chance. There was no way I would not fall in love with the dashing Illyrian with the midnight voice, who says the most beautiful, wistful things, and on top of that, rescued me from an enemy camp. That is classic romantic hero stuff.”
“Well, this romantic hero isn’t doing a good job of keeping you safe and warm. Let’s go to the room and huddle under the covers. It’s getting colder by the minute. I see your teeth are chattering already.”
They walked hand in hand to the bedroom, and Elain got under the covers, complaining that the sheets were ice cold already. Az looked for more blankets and pillows in the closet and piled them on the bed. He took off his shoes, keeping his socks on. He proceeded to put a pillow between himself and Elain. She booed him. Then he draped one of his wings over both of them, creating a little cocoon, and put an arm around her, rubbing her arms and back to generate some heat with the friction. She was shivering more now. Az had dealt with this type of weather for years since he was young. He was used to sleeping with the elements, and his Illyrian blood kept him warmer longer compared to High Fae. He pulled her closer to him to give her some of his body heat, but the pillow was preventing him from doing so. He reluctantly removed the pillow and laughed when she said, “Finally!”. Despite being so close to each other, she didn’t attempt to touch him or tease him anymore, which was a good sign, indicating the wine effects were finally subsiding. They stayed facing each other, chest to chest, his legs entwined in hers to keep her warm. She kissed his nose and snuggled into him, tucking her head under his chin, burying her face in his chest. It was the most comforting feeling in the world. To have her burrowed into him like this, smelling her scent of jasmine and honey, her soft body against his. His arm tightened around her, and she responded by hugging his waist tightly. She stopped shivering, and soon her breathing slowed. Az followed suit, drifting into a peaceful slumber, which he hadn’t been able to conjure for years at this point.
Light was creeping through the window when he woke. Elain was still burrowed in his chest. The cabin was ice cold, but she was warm, thanks to his body heat. He kissed the top of her head, and she stirred a bit, looking up at him with sleepy eyes.
“What time is it?”
“It’s 7 o’clock.”
“We survived the night, Az.” She smiled at him.
“We survived the night, El.”
“I quite like the sound of it. Az and El. El and Az.”
“Elain, what did you say about romantic heroes, single beds, and warming each other with our bodies?”
Elain blushed a deep red and covered her face with her hands, speaking through her fingers.
“They always kiss and have the most romantic love-making session ever.”
Azriel removed her hands from her face.
“Do you want me to be a gentleman and take you back to the River House right now, or do you want me to be the romantic hero?”
Elain touched his cheek and looked him straight in the eye.
“I told you I was a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, and right now, I don’t need the gentleman.”
Azriel smiled a wicked smile and proceeded to show her what a real romantic hero does when he finds himself alone with the object of his affections. He knew they would have to leave this cabin at some point and confront it all. Just not right this moment. They had time. After all, he waited 541 years for her. Yes, the world outside can wait. Right now, they needed to make up for lost time—a lot of making up.