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*Beep, beep, beep…* The steady stream of rhythmic beeping always kept Nat on the edge of losing her sanity. Realistically she knew that all the machines attached to Shauna were only helping her- not hurting her, but she had seen the other girl live in the wilderness without any of these things. She selfishly wished the nurses would just turn the volume off so she could have one second of silence in this hell hole. It didn’t make sense to see Shauna reduced down to a fraction of the person she used to be and suddenly look like a test subject in some sort of sick trial wrapped in casts and filled with tubes and have something pumping air into her body.
*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat zoned out again as she scraped the last of her pudding cup clean for probably the millionth time. The hospital food truly was ass here, but she was the only one that had to suffer through it and she was slightly resentful for that… Sometimes Nat wished she could be as out of it as Shauna was and have a tube of liquified calories be directly injected. But then she thinks of Ben and the thought is gone in a flash. A scrape of the plastic spoon resonates in her head as she pulls the item out of her mouth, she mushes the tapioca pearls and tastes the vanilla flavor coating her taste buds. A fleeting thought comes through as she swallows, Shauna hasn’t eaten anything this sweet- or she guesses- anything at all in three whole weeks. Nat shakes her head and stands to throw her cup away, maybe she’ll take a walk down the hallway to stretch her legs out a bit… or maybe she’ll just pull her chair up and rest her head on Shauna’s bed while she holds her hand to rest her eyes. Well… no one is ever around to judge her so once her pudding cup is safely disposed of she plops herself back down in her self proclaimed arm chair and scoots it across the floor till it’s flush with Shauna’s hospital bed. Taking care to not jostle the arm that is wrapped in a bright green cast- courtesy of Nat- she scoops up a slightly swollen hand and puts it under her cheek and grabs Shauna’s stuffed bear and cuddles it into her chest.
*Beep, beep, beep…* The blanket Nat pulls up over her shoulders is not the scratchy one that the hospital gave her day one of Shauna’s stay. It’s a soft flannel quilt that Natalie had broken into Shauna’s apartment for and stolen when she went to go grab her stuffed bear- Jack. She ensures it’s covering her completely before she twists her head to give Shauna’s bruised and swollen hand a featherlight kiss. Just like usual there is no movement from the other girl. Natalie gives a little smile up at her then lays her head down on the crisp white hospital sheets. Sleep takes her quickly after her eyes close fully. Sometimes the rhythmic beeping can be good, it’s a reminder that Shauna is still alive…
—
*POP*
“Hey! Who the fuck took the gun? Who was that?” Natalie shot out of her hut and demanded an answer, she soon realized that the camp was still in a state of morning silence and the only person standing awake outside of a hut was Van.
Van quickly dropped her arm full of wood and raised her arms up in the air, “I swear to god it wasn’t me. I’m on fire watch so I was up early to get kindling.”
Nat huffed and said, “Van I can see obviously it wasn’t you. I need to know who it was though. Can you help me find who is missing?”
Van nodded her head quickly, “yeah sure man, let me just restock the fire first.”
Nat started to poke her head into all the huts and look at the girls that somehow slept through the gunshot that went off seemingly right outside of camp. Once Van and Nat stumbled upon the very last hut they saw an empty bed… Nat sighed, “it’s fucking Shauna.”
Natalie made quick work of dismissing Van and then she grabbed a jacket from her hut. Nat began to scour the woods that surrounded the camp. It didn’t take long at all to find her. Shauna was standing in a small clearing looking befuddled as all hell as she fumbled with the rifle. “Shauna, what are you doing?”
Shauna’s head whipped to Natalie and she furrowed her brows before she looked back down at the rifle. It looked as if a sense of shame had come over her. “I want to know how to do this- I need to know how to do this.”
“What? Why? What reason could you possibly have to be out here doing this?! Especially right now?”
“Why are you asking me so many questions?” Shauna demanded.
“Look- I’m sorry Shauna, I’m not trying to pry. But no one is even awake yet and you-you’re out here shooting off rounds. It’s a little weird, yeah?” Natalie said softly with an outreached hand making a motion back to the girls.
Shauna looked back up to Nat, “I don’t know how to load it and like do all the shit for it.”
Nat’s jaw dropped slightly, she was lost for words momentarily. “Oh. Okay. Do you-? Do you want me to teach you?” Shauna’s jaw tightened, the look in her eyes dark. The help would be useful. She nodded jerkily. Nat approached like she was approaching a feral animal, “okay… but first can I start with some other basics? Just to keep us both safe.” Her hand reached down to gently rest on the rifle over Shauna’s hand ready to take it from her grasp. The fight for power was there for the taking, Shauna clearly wanted to have some sort of upper hand, but she just didn’t have it in her. She had already admitted the rifle was empty and she didn’t know how to reload it, she wanted to be the badass here. Shauna squared her shoulders and then let her hands drop the tight grip they held. The silent battle was over as fast as it started. Natalie released a small breath she didn’t know she had been holding in.
With the rifle firmly in her hands she looked down and saw it was still switched to fire, she rotated it to the side to show Shauna, “this button here, you can push it in and out, that’s the safety. Unless you mean to actively be firing it should always be on safe.” Once Nat switched it to safe she pulled the lever down halfway to verify that the chamber was indeed empty. She looked up at Shauna and gave her a small shrug, “yeah you emptied her earlier, she only had one round left inside I guess.” Good thing, Nat thought.
“Yeah I just kinda shot it at the tree… I missed.” Shauna mumbled.
“Uh yeah… as far as actual shooting goes I didn’t see how you shot earlier, but this has a good bit of kick as I’m sure you felt. So your stance has to be solid and you have to be really stable to absorb that so you don’t get knocked back. And it also helps your aim…” Natalie had added with a slight smirk, then planted her feet to show Shauna how she stood, “I put my left foot directly under my shoulder and I let my right foot fall slightly back a comfortable distance. But I leave my feet facing forward in case I need to move closer to my target- then I’d be ready to move, my dad taught me to stay on the balls of my feet so I can roll off easier… if that makes sense.” Shauna nodded silently as she absorbed the information and crossed her arms so Nat continued, “and since this is a bit heavy and we don’t eat a ton you really need to make sure you tuck the butt into your shoulder pocket hard, it helps to take the weight off of your biceps, it’ll fit right into the spot, I’ll show you in a minute. And then you lean your torso forward just ever so slightly so your body is squared up to whatever you’re aiming at. And lastly your legs- they can stay mostly straight up or you can bend your knees just a bit if it’s more comfortable. Like this.” Natalie lifted the rifle and went through all the motions, dry firing the weapon into a safe direction away from the camp. It was nothing more than a metallic click, but it was to show Shauna that the weapon wasn’t intimidating anymore than you made it out to be.
“You- you said your dad taught you all this?” Shauna asked with an air of caution and a head tilt.
Natalie swallowed and nodded, “yeah before he completely went off the rails and decided we were the worst family in existence. He kinda used to care about us a bit. He would take me hunting with him, but he taught me all this stuff before he died, yeah.” Natalie answered the question truthfully.
“Well at least it counts for something right?” Shauna asked with a plain face. Trying not to show that she cared.
“Yeah, actually I am glad I know this stuff out here. So I am happy I have it locked in the memory bank.” Nat responded back. “Want me to show you now?”
Shauna uncrossed her arms and nodded while she stepped closer to Nat, “do you worst, Scatorccio.”
Nat chuckled, “alright killer take this. Remember your safety button, never point at something you don’t intend to shoot, and never put your finger on the trigger until you are ready to fire. Now find how it’s comfortable to stand for you- yeahhh that’s a good starting point…” Shauna reached over and pushed Natalie. “Okay! Okay! It’s just good! It’s just good!” Nat laughed out as she walked back over to where Shauna stood with her feet still planted. “I’ll just say on the stance, if I were to push your shoulders back right now, would you fall? You are meant to brace for an impact basically… this stance is not that. So stand how I showed you and I’ll give you a little shove to kinda show you what I mean.” Shauna huffed at the other girl, but begrudgingly did as she was told and tried to copy Natalie’s feet. Once her feet were planted Natalie laid her hands on Shauna’s shoulders and pushed back, Shauna had been properly positioned this time and the impact was absorbed. Natalie smiled and removed her warm hands from Shauna’s shoulders.
“Okay I see what you mean, my first stance wasn’t bad though,” Shauna grumbled.
“No, it was definitely good…” Natalie placated her with a small smile. “Okay, now for your shoulder pocket- lift the rifle and you’ll see it fits right here. Good, yeah right there. And if your target is moving this should be an extension of yourself, so the rifle moves with your head and your eyes. Not your head first, then the rifle. And I can see you’re doing it now, having the slight lean at the waist and bend in your knees, that’s good you’re a natural. All there is now is to shoot, so we can do what I did earlier. We can have you shoot now with no rounds, and just give you a feel of pulling the trigger and pulling the lever and stuff.”
Shauna nodded with the happiest expression she had probably worn in months on her face, “okay, let’s do it.”
—
*Beep, beep, beep…* Natalie felt a hand shaking her out of the slumber that had taken over. The hand on her shoulder retreated the moment her eyes began to open. “Oh good you’re awake, it’s time for Shauna’s rounds. If you could just scoot your chair back, my dear.”
*Beep, beep, beep…* Gruffly Natalie responds, “oh shit, my bad yeah sorry.” She drops Shauna’s sweaty hand from her grasp and stands to push her chair away from the bed. Natalie stays standing to watch as the nurse roll a cart in. Ah, bath day. “Any word on when you guys are gonna stop the whole medical coma thing? Sorry, I’m not like super smart with this stuff.”
*Beep, beep, beep…* The older woman who Natalie really does prefer over some of the other nurses says, “we’ve already stopped the medicine that is inducing it. Her brain must need just a bit more time dear. It’s a good thing, giving her this rest. I know it feels scary, it feels like she’s so far away. But you can always talk to her, she’s listening. I know you don’t like bath time, the cafeteria just started up dinner.” Natalie knows she dumbs down Shauna’s prognosis for her, but she appreciates it all the same. “Thank you Barb, I’ll be back in a little bit. Take of care of her now.” Natalie says as she walks towards the door. The nurse smiles, “I always do dear.”
Natalie nearly jogs to the cafeteria for some overcooked chicken and mushy peas, but she can’t stand to see Shauna’s broken body after her pleasant dream of the girl still angry and unbroken. You’d think that all the rest she was getting would be doing nothing but healing her, but Shauna was in a medically induced coma being tube fed, so she was healing slowly and it felt like every single bone in her body was broken, not to mention the trauma to her brain. So her body was working overtime to keep up. The bruises were in the stage of healing that are ugly yellow and green and put Natalie in pain just to look at them. She’s not ever judging how Shauna looks, she just can’t stand to look at something so broken and think it’s the same person as her Shauna that she knew.
Well upgrades at least, it’s not dry chicken today. It was some form of shepherds pie and it was not dry at all. Natalie will take it, she eats slowly while watching the mindless news on the tv. Natalie was also in for a treat, they had strawberry milk today, she sips on it after she cleans her plate. Shauna is a milk freak, she would love some strawberry milk. But she can’t have it. Natalie decides maybe she will take that stroll now. Her mind wanders and she ends up outside underneath the overhang that leads to the parking garage, the parking garage that houses her car that is covered in dust now. She has left the hospital exactly two times, once to break into Shauna’s apartment for a set of clothes, a blanket and Jack. And once to attempt to get Shauna’s mother to come to the hospital. That was it. She’s been here since.
“Hey, Natalie is it?” An older gentleman asks.
Natalie clears her throat before she untucks her hands from her pockets to reach for a handshake, “yeah, I’m Nat. Do I know you, sir?”
“No no, I was just headed in to visit my wife. But I think I recognize you from the floor. You helped my daughter with the vending machine on Tuesday. Maxine, the short little one with no hair.” He motions to his head after he lets go of Nat’s hand.
The recognition sparks in Nat’s brain, Maxine is the little girl with cancer. And Maxine’s mother is the woman next door to Shauna who had a massive stroke… “Ahhhh Maxine, she’s a lovely little girl. She is very serious about her peanut m&ms. They got stuck, but I had a little trick up my sleeve to help her out.”
“She relayed the story, probably with a little flair added of course. Oh sorry, I’m Tony by the way. My wife is Olivia. Do you smoke? I was gonna have one before I went in, calm my nerves a bit.” Nat watches as he pulls out a pack and doesn’t think of a good enough reason to tell him no, it’s not like Shauna is here to yell at her.
“If you’re offering, I would love one.” He extends the pack and her hands shake as she pulls out a cigarette.
“If you don’t mind me asking- who are you here with? You’re in there every time I show up. That’s dedication.” The lighter is passed between the two.
“Shauna Shipman. She’s my…” Nat takes a drag off of her cigarette and pauses.
Tony fills the silence, “if she’s important to you that’s okay.”
Nat nods, “she is. She really is. She’s all that I have. I’m all that she has. So that’s that.”
“Understood, Nat and Shauna. It’s very nice to meet you both. My wife is in for a stroke, but if you’re up to meeting her she’s awake.” Tony says with a drag on his cigarette.
“Maybe tomorrow... Shauna was in a car wreck, it killed four of my friends. She just happened to be the lucky one.” Natalie says with a far off look. Maybe Shauna wasn’t so lucky.
They fall into silence after that and finish their cigarettes without any fanfare. Tony pipes up as they walk towards the entrance, “you seem like an okay kid, thanks for chatting. Let me know if you need anymore smokes. You know where my family is.”
“I- I actually don’t smoke anymore, Shauna made me quit. But if I cave, I’ll let ya know.” Nat says with a ghost of a smile.
They take the elevator together, then the hallway, only separating once they reach their destination. They push into their rooms with a nod to each other.
*Beep, beep, beep…* Shauna lays as still as ever, but now she’s cleaner. Thanks, Barb. Natalie approaches the foot of the bed and grabs the exposed part of Shauna’s foot that isn’t covered by the cast. “Looking good bud, Barb got ya all cleaned up for me. Isn’t she sweet?” Nat looks down at the foot in her hand, it’s slightly chilly and it’s definitely a bit swollen. It’s not that she would say Shauna’s feet are cute, but she loves everything about Shauna. So maybe she does think her feet are cute. So what? Pft. The urge overtakes her when she is looking and she bends down to brush a kiss over the top of Shauna’s foot. “I hate that your skin is all covered, I want it back.” Nat takes Shauna’s other foot and lays a soft kiss on the exposed skin. She doesn’t know what she expected, but Shauna always had ticklish feet, maybe a twitch or something. Nothing of the sort comes. It’s okay, it will come.
*Beep, beep, beep…* She walks over to the bathroom to wash the smoke from her hands and brush it from her mouth. She knows Shauna isn’t conscious, but even so she won’t give her a forehead kiss smelling like a cigarette. As Nat exits the bathroom she is startled into halting short because of a person sitting by the bed, “Debra?”
*Beep, beep, beep…* Shauna’s mother turns her head to lock eyes with Nat. “Hello, Nat. It’s good to see you again.” The woman who looked as if she had aged ten years since Natalie had last seen her greets warmly.
*Beep, beep, beep…* “Uh it’s good to see you too? I’m sorry, I’m a little confused. I begged you to come like three weeks ago, but you said you and Shauna didn’t talk anymore. Why are you here now?” Natalie asks as she sets her toothbrush down on her bag and walks over to stand in front of her usual chair.
*Beep, beep, beep…* Debra smiles sadly, “her and I don’t talk anymore. I figured I was respecting a wish of hers by not coming here. I didn’t know how bad it was, one of the nurses I know called me and explained what was going on-”
*Beep, beep, beep…* “No! No, I’m sorry that is- that’s bullshit, I was sobbing to you on the ground in the rain outside your house about how Shauna was dying in the hospital- I had just lost everyone else in my life and Shauna was in the same fucking car as them. What do you mean you didn’t know how bad it was? Respecting her wishes? What wish could she even be making right now? Look at the state of her! I don’t even know why you two don’t talk, she never told me, she doesn’t let me in all the way because she is so fucked mentally, but I don’t care. She is so closed off to certain parts of her life. I don’t have a key to her apartment, I had to break in to steal the shit that’s in here right now. I care so much about your daughter, I am here every second of every day, I barely leave her side, and I try to understand what the medical team tells me. You don’t get to walk in here now that someone else called you and you need to save face. So maybe… respect my wishes and get the fuck out of here.”
*Beep, beep, beep…* Debra, startled by Nat’s anger stands. “Honey, Shauna and I have stuff that we just couldn’t get past. It’s not for me to tell you.”
*Beep, beep, beep…* “You’re her fucking mother. Whatever it is, I don’t care. Get out.” Deb hangs her head and turns for the exit, the woman hightails it out of the room without another word. Nat sighs and finally falls back into her chair, she turns to look at Shauna. “When you wake up I have so many questions dude. Goddamn that shit wore me out.” Nat pulled her chair back up to Shauna’s bedside and leaned over to give her a forehead kiss being careful to avoid the oxygen tube in the girls mouth. Once again she snuggled back up and grabbed Shauna’s hand, flannel blanket and Jack securing them safely.
—
“Nat?” Shauna asked as she leaned her head into the girls hut.
“What’s up?” Natalie responded coolly.
“I had a question- or a proposition. It’s stupid actually.” Shauna had cut herself short and started to leave.
Natalie shot up and grabbed Shauna’s arm, “hey, just ask me I won’t tell anyone.”
Shauna nodded and swallowed before she said, “since you taught me how to shoot and we’ve been practicing… I was wondering if you wanted to learn how to skin the animals with me. Gen just got back with a few from the traps.” Shauna looked awfully uncomfortable and rubbed her eyebrow as she waited for an answer.
“Oh- well it can’t hurt to have somebody else versed on the skill could it? Sure, I’ll come over there in a minute, let me finish up what I was doing.” Natalie smiled.
“Okay, cool cool cool. I’ll be over there then!” Shauna stalked off quickly. It was cute.
Natalie tried to not keep her waiting and showed up within five minutes. Shauna had three bunnies laid out and a knife with a few rags and some water nearby. “Nice set up you got in here.”
“Oh thanks, it’s not a good as my shed. Well actually some of things I like better, some of the things I miss. Can go either way. Okay, are you squeamish?” Shauna asked with a blank face.
“I guess it depends, I’ve never done this so honestly I don’t know what to make of it.” Nat answered honestly with a shrug.
“Okay if it’s too much you can tell me, I’ll just get right into it then. With these guys I grab one, remove the head like this, then you find the joints on their legs. Remove all four, sometimes back legs are trickier cause they’re thicker, so you have to put a little more effort into it, but they’ll pop like this and now feet are off. So head and feet I put them over here and burn those later we don’t do anything with them… rabbits are easier because you can literally peel the fur off, but if that is too hard for when it’s cold you can gently slice the fur down the center of the stomach. I recommend pulling the fur off though so it’s intact. So you’ll grab the legs and peel it back firmly. It comes off really nice actually this is how I’m able to save these for Lottie and Akilah to reuse for their projects.”
Nat interrupted quickly, “you didn’t know any of this before we got stranded right?”
Shauna looked confused, “no I didn’t. Just trial and error, why?”
“You’re really good at it. You just skinned a rabbit in like 45 seconds. Well maybe that was an exaggeration, but it felt like it.” Natalie said slightly impressed, slightly grossed out. But no judgement on Shauna’s part.
“Oh yeah like I said, trial and error. Most animals are different. So they all need to be treated as such. And… we are um… yeah we’re I don’t know. That’s a whole different playing field.” Shauna mumbled.
“I see…” Nat mumbled.
“Anyways, now that we have a naked rabbit- well after we remove his tail cause it’s all fluffy and shit throw that with the head and feet- now that we have a naked rabbit we can cut open his stomach- it doesn’t take that much pressure- and we can remove his organs and guts. They come out pretty much on their own. Pull out the heart and the liver and stuff, we can eat that, but the guts… that’s trash. Now I’ll move the nasty stuff off the table, and take some of this water and rinse the carcass so it’s somewhat cleaned and then it’s good for me to cut it up for Mari to cook. The bones can be boiled down for soup and stuff as well. You wanna try skinning the next one?” Shauna asked Natalie with an excited look on her face.
Natalie shrugged, “fuck it, let’s give it a go. Why not. Don’t laugh.”
Shauna gave a small smirk, “no one was around to laugh at me, I won’t laugh at you.”
Nat understood the words for what they were, but to keep things light replied, “appreciate it Shauna.” The first cuts through the small animal were slightly sickening to Nat, but she pushed through and slowly she had the head and the feet removed. Then the skin off. Then the tail off. The cut through the stomach was easier than she had anticipated, but Shauna didn’t lie. The guts felt like the fell out into her hands, and they were wet- the blood dried sticky and flaky. Nat was not a fan of that necessarily. She ignored her personal feelings on the matter, Shauna didn’t have a choice in this. She rinsed the carcass and Shauna showed her how to slice the animal into manageable dinner sized pieces. The process was rewarding once it was complete, but still- it was not something she wanted to do everyday.
“Here, you can take the tray to Mari. You did really good Nat.” The praise from Shauna heated Nat’s cheeks and she looked down at the cuts of meat that she had helped make.
“Thanks Shauna, I’ll see you out there.” Natalie replied.
—
*Beep, beep, beep…* A squeeze on Nat’s hand startled her awake. Her eyes shot to the appendage. She looked up and saw Shauna’s hand was gripping hers the best it could, then she looked up and saw two dark brown eyes locked on hers, “Shauna?! Oh my god! Stay still, don’t panic, I’ll get a nurse or a doctor or somebody!” She stood and reached for the call button, then ran into the hallway trying to find a night shift worker that was not actively doing rounds. “Hello?! Somebody?! Um my- my- my- I think my- my Shauna just woke up! Oh… I think I’m gonna pass out.” As soon as Natalie saw a doctor rounding the corner towards her she saw black. Her body hit the floor shortly thereafter.
*Beep, beep, beep…* Natalie came to slowly and was met with the gentle soothing sounds of Shauna’s monitors… when had she suddenly decided they were soothing? Oh! Shauna had woken up, Nat sits up and looks over to see Shauna watching her. “Shauna, oh fuck.” The battered girl gives Nat a small blink of her eyes. Just then a nurse walks in, she gives Nat a big smile. “Oh boy, looks like somebody else is awake too! Glad to see you’ve joined us again.” Nat blushes at the attention, “oh yeah I just got really overwhelmed earlier, that was my bad.” The nurse chuckles while she hovers around Shauna checking and moving things. “Okay, fair warning people are gonna be in and out of here all night. But feel free to talk to her and pull your chair up when we’re gone.” Nat nods as the nurse exits the room.
*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat scoots her chair up to Shauna’s bed and leans forward to give her a kiss on the nose. “I missed seeing these eyes. You have no idea how crazy I’ve felt in here waiting for you my love.” Nat grabs Shauna’s hand and swallows before saying, “…the girls are all gone Shauna. It’s truly just us now. Oh your mom stopped by today- I kicked her out. I smoked a cig with your next door neighbors husband. I’m gonna need a key to your apartment. I broke in to steal Jack for you.” She lifts him up as she says it. Shauna lifts her lips as much as she can at the words. Tears well in her eyes at the first bit of news as it soaks in.
*Beep, beep, beep…* Nat’s face drops in confusion, Shauna’s lips look like they’re trying to move. She leans forward to see better, she can hear the faintest sound coming from Shauna. “Kiss me.” Natalie leans back and brushes a hand over Shauna’s hair while looking down at her adoringly. “I’ll kiss you only because I love you, you look fucking terrifying. Come here killer.” Natalie leans down and connects their lips gently while rubbing her thumb over Shauna’s cheek.