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The worst part was not having someone to blame. There was no one Jisung could point at, not one person who had truly wronged him.
He wasn’t a person to take things personally. He didn’t take it personally when Chan missed his invitation to dinner, too busy in the studio to check his phone. He missed it, not ignored, even if it felt like it. He didn’t take it personally when Minho and Hyunjin made plans for an outing right in front of him. Why wasn't he invited?. He didn’t take it personally when Changbin made a joke at his expense, one he normally would find funny. Why did it hurt this time? Why couldn’t he be normal?. He didn’t take it personally when Felix interrupted a conversation, talking about his day. Jisung’s day was important too, why did he interrupt?. He didn’t take it personally when Suengmin and Jeongin rejected every attempt at skinship. He just needed a hug, why couldn’t he just have a hug?
No, Jisung wasn’t one to take things personally. So why, why, was he here, lying on the ground? Why could he feel the carpet below him grow damp, as his tears slid out like a faucet? Why couldn’t he calm down?
He tried not to make noise, but couldn’t fully stifle his sobs. The members were only a room over, and if he made too much noise, there was no way they wouldn’t hear. He didn’t know if he’d be able to handle it, being seen like this. That was why he had excused himself politely a few minutes prior, telling the members he would be taking a nap, and not to expect him back for a while. He needed space to break down. Needed to be alone, lest the others see him and be forced to care now, forced to be brought down to his level.
The door creaked open, and Jisung flinched. The urge to flee was almost overpowering.
“Han?” Chan’s voice called out to him, more confused than concerned.
Jisung said nothing. He didn’t trust his voice to not fail him.
“Han?” Chan touched him lightly. He couldn't stop his body from flinching, the shudder passing through him roughly.
“Sung? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Jisung turned towards him, his tears-filled eyes meeting Chan’s worried gaze.
“Hug?” Han breathed out, wincing at his shaky tone.
As he sobbed into Chan’s arms, he realized that even in an embrace, he couldn’t shake the feeling inside. He still felt painfully, resoundingly, alone.