Chapter Text
"I'm just sick and tired of people saying that I am special, and there are great things waiting for me. What if it is not true? What if I am just normal and average?"
Remus was indeed tired. He was tired of people hating him for just simply being himself. He was tired of trying so hard and still failing. He was tired of loving someone who would never love him back.
Maybe he should have never come to Hogwarts. Maybe Grant was wrong to say he was destined for great things. He missed his old life. Remus had felt special being a Howler of the Moon. Maybe a delinquent but more part of something.
Remus wasn't in a good mood. Maybe it was because Sirius had rejected him after he confessed his feelings saying what they had been doing was a mistake. Or maybe it was because James was pissed because Sirius didn't tell him about them. And Remus felt guilty. Or maybe it was because of the fifth detention Snape and Slughorn had given him unfairly.
Whatever it was, Remus wasn't in the will to listen to his teacher philosophize about life and pushing him to do better. He wasn't in the mood to be scolded.
"Tell me something, Remus" Dumbledore said as he took a drag of his cigarette. "Why did you come to this school? Was it for Sirius?"
Dumbledore was an orthodox teacher. Remus had been used to be ignored by others. He had been treated badly because he was trans and old people didn't accept that. His former teachers didn't give a damn about his education or his life.
Dumbledore did. Not only that but he understood what it was to be queer. He did drag on his free time. That was really cool.
Sometimes Dumbledore was like a teacher, or sometimes like a parent, or sometimes like a friend.
Remus liked him, but most times, like right now, he wanted to be left alone.
To answer the question, yes. Primarly it had been for Sirius that he knew about this school and for Sirius's insistance that he applied for a scholarship. Although that was not what Dumbledore was asking.
"If your answer is yes" he said "That the main motive was to be close to your crush, then you are welcome to leave"
"Thanks for your kindness" Remus spat sarcastically and smoked.
He was kind of pissed.
"I know that Sirius might've been the reason but not the motive" Dumbledore added "That boy is not the only thing you are here for"
"Listen" Remus sighed "I know I have detentions and my grades are not that great, but I try, alright? It is hard! It is hard to try to fit in in a world where you don't belong"
Remus might've had his friends, and Hogwarts was ten times better than the other public ones he had been to. But not everything was great. He had Slughorn and Snape breathing down his neck like crows. They hated him for the simple reason of being different. Snape as a prefect gave him detention for simply breathing and Slughorn could not bare his existance so he wasn't fair.
Remus hadn't told anyone how he had been treated because he didn't want to complain.
"I don't have a plan!" Remus continued "I don't know if I will go to University or have a career" he shook his head "Besides my top surgery, I don't have dreams"
Remus looked at his teacher inspecting him. He couldn't decipher his thoughts.
"Are you disappointed?"
"I'm disappointed that you don't try"
Dumbledore put the cigarette stub away and turned to face Remus. He was smiling. Remus didn't understand how there could be people that smiled just because. It irritated Remus to the core.
"You know, Remus" he said, leaning into the bench "I don't want you to have top marks, be the top of your class or get a scholarship. I don't want you to have a successful career in whatever you are passionate about and earn enough money to live well and be happy"
Remus raised an eyebrow.
"I mean, it would be really wicked if you can manage all that" Dumbledore clarified with a smile "But I don't want you to feel like a failure if you don't"
The man turned to face the view of the trees and the lake, deep in thought.
"You're quite clever, boy. And I am pretty sure you can manage everything you want" he added "But there are circumstances that simply don't help us or destiny has other plans for us"
Maybe Remus's destiny was to fail, he thought.
"What would disappoint me of you would be that you give up" Dumbledore sighed as he gently patted Remus's knee "That's the real failure"
"Didn't you hear that I've tried?"
Dumbledore smiled amused at how annoyed Remus sounded.
"And we are all proud of that" he said "That's what special about you, why I like you the most. Your circumstances are harder than the ones many students here face. And being different in this society is almost like a crime" he looked at Remus "But look how far you've gotten. Remus, your application test was brilliant and the reason you are here in this school. And I know you love being here despite everything. That you love your classes and even read in your free time because you consider that culture and education is important. And I know you understand that there are more important things in life than money and power"
Remus thought it was true. That was all these rich kids wanted because that was what rich parents taught them. But there were exceptions.
"I know about your past, boy" Dumbledore nodded. He did. Lyall had gone to Dumbledore and McGonagall complaining about his son and the company he was keeping "I know you also came to this school because of your education, the opportunities and to get away from the life you had. Because besides Sirius, you care about something"
Life had been tough for Remus. Not just for not having money, or for not being born with the gender he identified himself, or his mother's sudden death, or because the only people that accepted him were delinquents. But because he hadn't been given a chance. He used to have no friends but enemies everywhere. He used to believe he didn't deserve much.
Then he found Sirius again, and he came to this school, and met really good people. The opportunity of studying in one of the best schools in the UK was a privilage. Maybe deep down it was true: he wanted something more.
"When you are my age," Dumbledore said, as Remus realized this. Like reading his mind "I would like you to go back and don't regret anything. To not feel like you gave up in anything. No matter how many degrees, professions, money or jobs you have. That's what is important. That's the key of being happy"
Remus blinked away his tears and cleared his throat.
"Are you happy then, Dumbledore?"
The man snorted as if the question was amusing.
"You know Remus, I am" he nodded "I might've lost opportunities of scholarships for romantic love. And I lost my family for discovering who I was. A queer mess. And lost job opportunities for self love. And when I was your age, I had other dreams than being a professor in the same school I was unhappy. But" he raised a finger "I can tell I lived and I tried, and I suffered and failed. But never gave up. That's what gives me peace"
Remus smiled because wow, whatever this man had to face in life had been worth it if they turn him into the man he was now. Remus fought the urge to hug him.
Remus didn't admire many people. But they few he did were incredible. Remus thought about Grant. He would have never been here if it wasn't for him as well.
"If you fancy'im sweety, then message him" Grant had said "Yer Prince Charmin' deserves to see the wonderful boy ye've turned into"
That first message was what had started everything. Remus wouldn't be here without it.
"You remind me of my friend" Remus commented, lighting himself another cigarette "He would have said the same thing"
"Any of the boys I know?"
Remus shook his head. He offered his teacher a new fag, the man rejected it.
"He's name's Grant" Remus replied "Doesn't go here"
"He sounds very clever" Dumbledore smiled.
Remus reckoned it was true. And he fitted with what Dumbledore had said. Grant had never been good at school, he didn't have much and he didn't have a career or a stable job. But he tried everyday to survive in a world that wasn't fair for him.
Remus's heart glowed thinking about Grant.
"Bout time you remembered meh, luv" Grant said inside his brain "Too busy wiff yer prince charmin' until he broke yer heart, eh?"
"Shut up, I love you too"
"Not quite like'im"
Remus shook Grant away from his mind.
"I will try, Dumbledore" he said out loud.
His professor looked at him with a smile.
"That's what I wanted to hear" he winked.