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Rose gripped my shoulders, pushing me aside. I let out a sigh of relief. Cameron and Nick’s footsteps echoed as they exited the bathroom, scoffing under their breath. I was grateful she had saved us, but couldn’t believe what she’d signed herself up for! I nudged my shoulders out of her grip. Her hands lingered for a moment before falling.
Deedee’s eyes were wide with fear as he barged in between Rose and I. In this hushed voice, strained as though he were worried Cameron and Nick may be listening outside, he said, “You’re going to run the Gauntlet? That’s — That’s like social suicide! You can’t do it.”
“I have to,” Rose scoffed, crossing her arms, unaware, clearly, of the severity of her actions. “It’s no big deal. I’ll win.”
For a moment, looking into her eyes, sharp and gleaming with confidence, I believed her, too.
Deedee fumbled for words. “You . . . You’ve never even seen the hill!” he gaped. “It’s a lost cause! You have to take it back, Rose.”
I bit my lip, holding back a reply. I agreed with Deedee, sure, but Rose dragged herself into this situation. If she got mashed running the Gauntlet, so be it.
Turning back to Rose, I saw her smiling, holding back a laugh. Deedee raised his hands in defeat as he walked out of the bathroom, shrugging his shoulders as if he knew putting up a fight wasn’t worth it. He sighed while pushing the door open. I watched it swing back and forth and back and forth until it slowly shut.
Rose turned around, presumably to follow him, so I trailed behind her loosely. She stopped at the door and paused; and when she turned around she stomped her boot on the floor. But I could hear the click of the lock. Something low and uneasy settled in my stomach. I forced it down with a smile.
“C’mon,” I said, “let’s follow Deedee.”
She raised a brow before laughing. “For . . . what? He ran out ’cause he’s just dramatic. You do know I can run the Gauntlet, right?”
I shrugged, my eyes darting around her frame. The bathrooms at school were always cramped. One would never really notice unless it were during the passing period. Everyone is always crowded at the urinals and stalls (unfortunately, there’s never much of a build-up at the sinks). I usually avoid going between classes for that reason. I hate the cramped feeling.
Rose took a step forward. I shuffled back. Her eyes flicked down to my feet for a moment and I knew she caught the movement (why was I trying to hide it?).
“There’s just . . . one thing. I kinda don’t have a bike,” she bit her lip sheepishly.
I looked up. A little bit of the tension between us dissolved. “Oh,” I stammered awkwardly. “I can lend you mine. It’s not a big deal. Just don’t . . . Well, it’s the Gauntlet,” I rolled my eyes, “and I never ride the thing anyway. I don’t care if it gets banged up.”
She laughed, bending over a little, and placed a hand on my shoulder and one over her mouth. “Thanks, Frost,” she grinned as she recovered, “I promise I won’t crash it.”
I knew that was highly unlikely but smiled back anyway. I looked around again. We’d been in the bathroom for an awfully long time. Has Deedee not noticed we weren’t behind him? I looked up at Rose.
“What?” she giggled. “I swear!”
I shoved her lightly, my arm meeting her bicep. “If you break it you owe me a new one.”
“Alright,” Rose replied, shoving me back. Harder. Rougher. I stumbled backward. My throat tightened. I couldn’t drag my eyes away from her face. I told myself to calm down — she’s just odd! She’s just new.
I nodded my head in an attempt to end the conversation and maneuvered around her, heading for the door, but she grabbed my arm and pushed me back. I hit the wall with a groan. Rose walked closer, undoing her belt. It clattered onto the tile and echoed against the walls. It was so loud I was convinced someone would hear.
My mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water — and when I was able to force the words out they were taut and dry. “Rose,” I choked, “what are you doing?”
I felt so small and helpless against the wall that, for a split-second, as she walked closer, I was convinced Rose would lift up a leg and stomp on me. That she’d crush me under her boot, wholly, and utterly. My heart pounded in my chest a million miles an hour. I closed my eyes and heard the gentle rustling of fabric — her coat being tossed onto the floor.
The sound was so soft.
I felt her breath on my face and opened my eyes. She was leaning in. Her eyes were dark.
“I’ve seen the way you look at me, Frost,” Rose began with a whisper. “I like you, too.”
My eyes danced around the room; from her, to the door, to behind her — around her. I noticed the white paint chipping around the soap dispenser above the sink.
She placed a hand on my chest, and I thought it would be warm. It was cold.
“Don’t stress out,” she murmured. “It’s what kids do.”
I shook my head fervently, shivering under her touch. “No — No, no —” I croaked. “I don’t like you like that. I don’t want . . .”
With one hand, she gripped my shoulder and with manicured nails digging into my skin, pushed me down to the floor. My legs slipped out from under me as I pushed up against her arm. Rose’s hands gripped the bottom of my shirt. She felt the cotton and rubbed the linen between her thumb and forefinger. I was frozen.
“Rose,” my voice shook. It was so quiet (why?). “Please, stop.”
She acted as though she could not hear me. Or maybe, she was acting as if she heard me and did not care. After all, Rose Holland does what Rose Holland wants.
I could not watch her and turned my head away as she took off her shirt. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want to see her like that! My heart leapt into my throat when I felt her hands start to lift mine up.
“Rose, I said I don’t like you like that!” I snapped. “Stop touching — !”
My body moved forward with the force of her pulling shirt off all the way, my arms forcibly rising above my head. I fell back against the wall, this time tensing at the cold seeping into my skin.
“Don’t say that, Frost,” her words came out tight. She had stopped smiling a long time ago. “Tell the truth. I know you want this.”
My breathing was labored. I just about held my breath. My hands were damp with slick against the bathroom floor. I could not turn my eyes away from Rose’s face. She placed a hand on my stomach — now bare.
“Right, Frost?” she whispered. Her palm slid down to undo my jeans. I struggled against her only to be shoved back once more. “Use your words.”
I closed my eyes. I told myself to fight back.
“. . . Okay.”
She grinned. Undid my jeans. Perched a hand atop my scalp, nails digging in, holding my head in place. She made me look at her as she pressed against my body, skin to skin. Tears now poured down my face. I felt so ashamed. I was crying?
“Rose . . .” I began, but she knew what was coming.
“I think I want to kiss you,” she said, inching to close the gap. Her hands moved to grip either side of my face.
“Rose —”
Her mouth crashed into mine and I jumped at the impact. One of her hands slid down my neck. She slobbered on me, tongue pushing against my closed lips, until I opened, and licked my teeth. I tried not to gag and decided to stop fighting.
I could never fight Rose Holland off me.
My jacket was loose around my body, but it did little to give me the appearance of seeming any larger. It did little to stop the imagination of wandering eyes. I pulled it tight around my stomach, but it did little to make me feel safer. Wolf glanced over at me but kept his face forward. I let the fabric go slack.
“Frost,” he asked with a nudge, “you good?”
The hallway was crowded with people shoving past us. The air was suffocating. Certainly, I was not receiving enough oxygen. One second longer and I might have exploded if Wolf had not grabbed my arm and pulled us into the cafeteria. He dragged me aside and I stumbled back into the wall (that was happening a lot recently, huh?).
I felt my body relax almost instantly and could not help the sigh I let out at the release of tension. Wolf raised his eyebrow.
“What?” I spat.
He hesitated. “I dunno, man, you’ve just been like off this whole ass week,” his eyes narrowed. “I just wanna know what’s up.”
“Look, man, I’m fine,” I hissed through gritted teeth. “Just let it go, okay? I’m sorry I’ve been weird.”
Clearly dissatisfied with my answer, Wolf did a half-sigh-half-groan and let his head drop into his hands, massaging his temples. I crossed my arms.
He took a deep breath and when he spoke his words were strained. “Is it . . . about getting jumped in the bathroom . . .? ’Cause Deedee already told me about that, and —”
“No!” I exclaimed, squinting in confusion. “I’ve just had an off week and don’t exactly want to talk about it. Okay?”
As I tried to leave he grabbed my arm. I bit my cheek to stop the tears from springing into my eyes. His grip wasn’t even that tight. His eyes were wide with concern. I thrashed my shoulder out of his grasp.
“Why the fuck are you so pissed off? I know it doesn’t matter to you, Wolf, so don’t pretend like this is because you care!”
He frowned. “I’m not pissed — I — I’m annoyed you won’t tell me the truth. Are we not . . . friends? Seriously, what happened, Frost?”
My throat tightened. I shrugged and let my gaze drop to the floor. Wolf took a step closer. “It’s just complicated . . . I . . . it’s about Rose.”
Without hesitation, he whipped around to look at her waiting for us at our table. She waved to him with a small smile, chewing on her lunch. She gestured for us to come over. Wolf held out his hand to say just a minute.
Turning back to me, he raised his eyebrows as an invitation to continue, but I shook my head. There was something lodged in my throat — in between the words and my mouth — that prevented me from making a sound. I could see, in the corner of my eyes, Rose’s silhouette, and could feel her eyes boring into both of us. I could feel her eyes drinking me in.
Suddenly, in the moment, I hated Wolf. More than I hated Rose for what she did (is doing?). I hated Wolf for being her stupid puppy and I hated Wolf for having a crush on her even if all he would do about that is deny, deny deny.
He threw his hands up in the air as if to say you’re being too difficult! and turned around. He walked over to our table. I had no choice but to follow.
I sat down, away from Rose, and picked at the table, refusing to look at her. I wished Bench were still sitting with us. Still hanging out with us. Maybe, if he was there that day, Rose wouldn’t have needed to come into the men's room to send Cameron and Nick away. But he wasn’t.
Wolf’s laughing brought me back to reality. His mouth was full of food and he was waving a plastic fork around as he spoke through each bite. Gross. Rose caught my eye. I felt sick.
My eyes swung between the three as they spoke to each other. Their words, as they spewed and spewed endlessly from their mouths, flew in specks — imperceptible, yet, I was so aware of them and aware of the fact my friends were speaking but not what it was being said. The noise swirled around me but I never took it in; I couldn’t listen. It was grating, deafening, screeching — it was a cacophony of miserable sound that would never stop it would never stop the words will continue forever even when their mouths —
“So,” Rose smiled, “did you have fun hanging out last week, Frost?”
My head snapped up at her. “Oh, umm . . . yeah. I guess I did.” I looked away.
“You two have been hanging out a lot recently,” Deedee commented in between bites of his sandwich. “Like, one-on-one.”
This comment seemed to excite Rose. “Well, of course, we are! Frost and I are pretty good friends,” she shot me a wink and a cheeky grin. I was so angry but I had nothing left in me.
“More than friends, by the look of it,” Deedee scoffed. Wolf frowned, and shot me a look but already Rose was denying his accusation.
“Don’t be weird,” Wolf said, but his voice was thick with disbelief.
He gathered his trash onto the center of his lunch tray and stood up to return it. Deedee had already packed up his lunchbox and followed Wolf, trailing beside him to throw away his trash.
Rose turned to me. “You’re free after school, right?”
I shook my head but she laughed. “Oh, come on! Don’t be a downer, Frost. I know you don’t have much going on. Soon, then. Tomorrow's the weekend.”
The bell rang and we stood. Rose grabbed my hand but I wrenched it out of her grip. I felt it — her — all over me, the sensation revolting. I couldn’t stand to touch her — to be near her for even a second longer than I was made to. And I knew Rose wouldn’t force me to hold her hand in front of so many people. But the cold look in her eyes told me there would be consequences. That look told me, soon.
Soon.
Dungeons and Dragons brought me no joy or pleasure. I did not have fun watching TV or writing poems. It felt grey. To eat food was to eat sand. Slime.
Rose was pressed against me on the couch in Wolf’s basement. He’d gone upstairs to get more soda and use the bathroom. Put some things away. Deedee was out cold. Re-runs of Dr. Strange played in front of me but it was all the same loop. The same scene.
Her hand slid up my leg. I tried to ignore her wandering fingers as they inched up closer. She leaned in further, grabbing the blanket draped behind me around to be next to her. Her shampoo scent was apple. I knew what was coming next. Desperately, I attempted to push her hand away, but before mine could even make contact, it was stopped and shoved aside.
I could never stop Rose Holland.
For the first time in a while, I stared at her. Eyes boring into nothing, for her gaze remained fixated on the television. I could not take much more of this. Kisses on my neck. Hands on my thigh. Hiding hickeys on my neck or sneaking painkillers for bruises across my body. I fell into the habit of never using the bathroom at school because it almost happened again.
So, I looked at Rose, and with everything in me, pleaded, “Stop.”
She hummed a tune to herself, hand now undoing my jeans. “Don’t touch me.”
It was mindless to her. I shut my eyes when her fingers slipped under the elastic of my boxers. I turned my head away. I felt her quietly bring the blanket across her lap. Next, it would be mine.
My mom asked me, before we got in the car, if I was truly up to going. That, if I wanted, I could tell them I was sick. That she would back me up. I almost told her yes. Why didn’t I? What did I expect to be different? I was going to vomit, surely.
She was more and more confident each passing day. I felt my stomach lurch as her hands slid down, down my waistline . . . “Rose,” I whispered, “stop.”
“He said stop.”
Rose tensed immediately, frozen. Wolf stood on the stairs, and could see perfectly what she had been doing. Neither of us moved.
“Rose.”
Her hand moved swiftly off me, as she turned to face Wolf, eyes locked onto his. I held my breath. If she had wanted, she could have continued. Was she not stronger than all of us combined?
Yet, she stood, not bothering to collect her things, and left, shoving past Wolf and stomping up the stairs.
“Don’t come back,” he spat in her wake.
Rose did not turn as she reached the top, but replied, “I don’t plan on it.”
Neither Wolf nor I moved until we heard the front door slam, shaking the house with it. He put down his cup of soda and cautiously walked over to the couch. I rebuttoned my jeans. How much more humiliating did this have to get? I couldn’t look at him. I was so ashamed.
The look of hurt on Wolf's face was too much for me to bear.
“Frost . . .” he took a long pause. “Are you okay? How long has this been happening?”
I rubbed my face, dragging my fingers over my eyes. “I’m fine.”
“Well, I really fucking doubt that,” he said. “Dude, is this what was making you suddenly act so weird?”
“Don’t worry about it, Wolf.”
“I didn’t know, Frost. Swear to God, I really didn’t —”
“Listen, man, I said it’s fine!” I snapped. “I know you didn’t know. It’s whatever. Okay?”
Wolf’s face was unreadable. “What else has she done?”
Seriously? Did he really expect me to open up like reality is some feel-good sitcom? Like my life is some coming-of-age special and that I feel the compelling urge to spill every disgusting detail to him?
“It doesn’t matter.”
“I should’ve known,” his voice cracked. I only felt more angry.
“It’s not like I told you,” I shrugged. “Dude, like I said, it doesn’t matter.”
“Frost, you can’t just say that!” Wolf snapped. “Of course, it fucking matters!”
I flinched involuntarily at the noise. All I wanted was for this conversation to be over. As soon as possible. Deedee shifted in his sleep behind me.
“Hey, c’mon . . . It’s fine, man, I’m okay.”
Wolf gave me this look of disbelief, and I knew, no matter what I said, he would not be convinced to drop the topic. So, I stood up.
“I swear.”
I pushed past Wolf and trudged upstairs. I felt him staring at me as I left.
Whatever.