Work Text:
When you turned your light on a campfire was before you, engulfing your surroundings in a calm orange and yellow glow.
You had felt confused when you had picked up a signal on your signal scope, which soon morphed into fear as the signal was nothing more than breathing.
You had followed it until you saw… you? Why had you seen yourself? Better yet, why had you seen the observatory earlier after you fell into the eye? Or the pine forests of Timber Hearth? Seeing these things inside the eye was strange and you didn't quite know why you were seeing them.
They weren’t supposed to be here and you had no idea why they were here. Maybe you had already died you grimly thought; maybe this was what people see when they die. No, that can’t be correct though you think. You had died who knows how many times during the loops yet you didn’t see anything like this. And dying felt much more painful than what was going on, at least physically. Maybe those deaths weren't considered real deaths you ponder due to the time loop. Either way this was weird you think to yourself.
You looked around the empty space surrounding you and the lone campfire. You soon began to see more trees appear, the same pine needled trees that dotted the surface of Timber Hearth. You sat in amazement at that, at how mind bending anything quantum seemed to be. About how mind bending the eye in general was. You had grown to learn the rules of quantum mechanics during the loops but even still, it never ceased to absolutely amaze you how cool it was to actually see. Gabbro would have loved to see this, they would probably have way more answers and theories to this than you could ever possibly think of
…Oh, Gabbro… Your one friend in the time loops, your partner, the person who was there for you during it all. One of the people who cared. Gone, they were gone. You didn’t have enough time to get them. You tried, you tried so hard to. You wanted them so badly to be here with you. You wanted to at least have them here after it all. You wanted someone who would understand. If you couldn't have anyone else you at least wanted to have them, but there just wasn't enough time, you… sniff… you didn’t want to be alone. You didn’t want to be scared. You didn’t… sniff… you didn’t want to be…
You realize that your eyes had begun to blur with tears, and your fists had been bawled up tightly… sniff… You were struggling to breathe correctly as grief began to grip you. Your breathing had quickened, you felt like you were going to suffocate. You felt so small, you felt so-so… sniff… so unbelievably scared. You began to tunnel vision as you began to think about everything… sniff… As you thought about how everything you’ve ever known and loved is now gone.
… sniff…
About how you'll never see Gossan’s warm approving smile after you aced a training exercise.
… sniff…
About how you’ll never hear Chert ramble about how beautiful space and the stars are. About how you’ll never hear Feldspar’s enthralling stories again…sniff…sniff… About how you’ll never feel Hal’s warm embrace again. About how…
NO you think to yourself. You can’t freeze up now. You had a duty, an obligation. You had to make the sacrifices worth it. You had to make what the Nomai did, what the Prisoner did, what you gave up, what everyone gave up, you had to make it mean something. You can’t freeze up now. You can’t, you just can’t. You have to keep going. You need to be strong for them. You need to stop shaking. You need to stop crying before you can’t stop. You need to… need to… you need to center yourself so you don’t keep spiraling, you think, you need to calm down somehow. You close your eyes and begin to focus on your breathing.
You struggle for a bit to get your breathing under control but eventually you find the ability to control your breaths. You begin to slow them down. You breathe in, and then out, in and then out. In for four (Don’t think about them!), hold for four (Don’t think about them!), and out for four (Don’t think about them!), in for four (Don’t think about them!), hold for four (Don't think about any of them!), out for four (Don’t think about…), in for four (Don’t think…), hold for four (Don’t…), out for four(...)
You don’t know how long you kept doing that for but eventually you began to calm down. You felt the tension in your fists ease a little, and you felt the overwhelming urge to cry subside. Water marks had now stained the corners of your eyes and cheek, but you ignored it.
You opened your eyes prepared to keep going. Although what you opened your eyes to was not what you were expecting. A rocking chair was at the campfire, and it was creaking back and forth with no one in it. That’s strange, and also creepy you think to yourself. Although that rocking chair seems oddly familiar, yet you can’t quite place your finger on why.
Knowing well enough by now that you needed to look away and look back to change things here in the eye, you guessed that that was probably due to the eye’s quantum nature, and so you did just that. When you turned around though your breath got hitched in your throat as you saw Esker sitting in that chair rocking back and forth. How are they here!? To your knowledge you're the only living thing left in the universe. Are they even real? Are they a projection of the eye of some kind? If so, how does the eye even know to project them here? Is the eye a conscious thing? What is happening?
As you approach them it's a painful reminder of what you left behind, of everything you’ve lost, of everything being gone, of you being the last thing left, but you don’t dwell on it for too long in fear of possibly shutting down again. You can’t think about them. You can’t think about what it all means, you just can’t. Not right now, not when you needed to make it all worth something. Not when you need to make it all worthwhile. Not when you needed to…to make their sacrifices worth something.
(You weren’t ready to give them up were you?)
As you get closer to them they look over at you which seems to confirm that they’re real to some extent if they’re able to notice you, or maybe it's just a really convincing vision that the eye has given you. You don’t know, and you don’t think you'll ever know.
When you finally reach Esker’s side they state at you for a bit, you wonder what you should say? You wonder if you should ask them how they are? Or if they know where they are? You don’t really know what to say honestly. You never really thought you would’ve seen anyone again after reaching the eye.
(Don’t think about them.)
“Do you hear music?” Esker asks. At first you’re confused by the question because you don’t hear anything, but after a few seconds you pull out your signal scope and turn it on, and sure enough you pick up a signal. You turn to face the signal and are suddenly hit in the heart by the plucking strings of Riebeck’s banjo.
(You weren’t ready to let them go.)
(Don’t think about them.)
You make your way from the campfire reluctantly unwilling to leave Esker alone despite your reservations about any of this being remotely real and make your way in the direction of Riebeck’s banjo.
Making your way through the pine forest you stumble upon a Nomai home of some kind. You had seen a few of these on Brittle Hollow when you were exploring there for the first few times and it's how you eventually found Riebeck as they had made their way beneath the crust via one. You begin to look around trying to find where the playing is coming from and are confused when you don’t see anyone around. You eventually peer inside the building as that appears to be where the signal is coming from and see Riebeck’s banjo lying alone on the floor.
Confusion laced your every thought now. Why was Riebeck’s banjo seemingly playing on its own? Why was it even here? Why was any of this happening? Thinking back to how you managed to get the campfire appear, you take a few steps back and turn your light off and then on, and sure enough part of the structure has vanished.
You repeat this a few more times until you can finally reach the lone banjo. Stepping inside the now decayed Nomai structure, you reach out for the lone banjo before your light flickers (and seemingly all the lights in this glade your in flicker), and you suddenly appear near the campfire again.
Holstering your signal scope you look at the fire and you see a large yet familiar figure there now, Riebeck.
(Don’t think about them.)
Seeing them there strikes you in your heart. They were the most skittish and fearful of the venture's members yet their curiosity pushed them to go further than they ever would have. Their love for the Nomai’s history drove them to explore the treacherous depths of Brittle Hollow despite their fear and reservations.
They’ll never get to unravel the mysteries of the Nomai you grimly think. They’ll never be able to do what they wanted, they’ll never be able to explore the vast reaches of space again. They’ll never be able to… sniff… they’ll never be able to laugh at Feldspar’s stories again or… sniff… or be able to wonder what a Nomai artifact does or…sniff…they must have been scared when they died everytime. They must have been so afraid. Maybe they didn’t realize what was happening.
(You weren’t ready were you. That’s why you don’t want to remember.)
Maybe they…
(Don’t think about them!)
Snapping yourself out of your thoughts you realize that your cheeks are further coated in dried tears and that your muscles are tense with grief. Ignoring it you make your way over to Riebeck. Riebeck seems to notice you as you approach them just like Esker did. “Riebeck?” You ask in confusion, attempting to mask the unsteadiness and grief in your voice.
(You want them back.)
(Don’t think about them!)
“It’s, um, it’s not quite time yet,” they utter out shakily. You can’t tell if they’re shaking because that's just how they naturally speak, or because they’re fearful of what is happening, of what is about to happen next. Do they even know what’s happening, are they even real? Was any of this even real?
“I’m pretty sure we’ll need the others for this next part. We’ll need, you know… everyone,” Riebeck says with more certainty than previously. Everyone you think to yourself confused. How do they know that they need ‘everyone’ for the next part? Who exactly is this ‘everyone’ that Riebeck is talking about?
Suddenly you realize that your signal scope is going off, you pick it up from where you previously holstered it and see it has detected several more signals. All of which seem to be instruments of many sorts playing.
You freeze at the realization of what they are. You now understand what Riebeck means, yet you are still so unbelievably confused. Why are they here? They shouldn't even be here. They can’t be here! None of this has to be real. Why was the universe being so cruel to them!? Hadn’t you gone through enough already to not be reminded of them!? Hadn’t you gone through enough!?!?
(Buddy, it’s ok)
(Don’t think about them!!! Don’t think about them!!! Don’t think about them!!! You’re not ready!!!)
“No rush! Take your time. It might not even exist here…,” Riebeck said, murmured the last part as a quiet mumble.
You don’t want to go find them. You don’t want to be reminded of them. You don’t want to move. Yet as you look up from your signal scope you see Esker staring at you with a warm smile. They gesture out to the surrounding darkness filled glade, seemingly trying to urge you to go find them. You realize how lonely Esker was, at how no one ever remembered them. How everyone forgot about them. How whenever you talked to them they seemed desperate to keep you around cause no one ever talked to or visited them. And here you were, trying to forget them, because of your own selfish needs; because you don’t want to keep hurting anymore. You don’t want to, but maybe you should? Maybe you should go for Esker? Just so that way they aren't so forgotten here at the…at the…the end. Here at the…
(Buddy, it’s ok, it’ll be ok.)
(Don’t think about them!!!)
Attempting to push away all your thoughts trying to ignore the growing feeling of pressure inside you making your way into the darkness. You had to make it all worth something, you can’t stop now. You can’t stop, you can’t freeze up. Stop thinking about them. Why can't you stop? Why can’t you stop!?
(Cause you can never forget about them buddy, and that’s ok.)
(Don’t think about them!!! You’re not ready!!!)
You didn’t realize that you had been following one of the signals while wrapped up in your thoughts until a piercing light burst from the darkness, suddenly revealing a giant angler fish in front of you.
You jumped back terrified. Memories of being eaten by those fish, of slowly wasting away inside their stomachs flash before your eyes. Waiting in there to slowly die from either the stomach acid dissolving your flesh and sinew, or from the supernovae of the sun, or if you were really unlucky a combination of both.
You feel your breathing rapidly quicken as fear grips your body. You don’t want to die again, not to that. Please not that!!! You began to rapidly back away from the angler as it approached you; however as you were backing away you didn’t realize that there had been a large tree root directly behind you. Tripping on the loose root you fall to the ground. In horror you look back as the angler approaches you, preparing to have to go through that same searing fear and pain again; however, right as it reaches you, your light flickers and it disappears.
You sit there for a minute still terrified out of your mind. Your breathing was erratic and your mind was all over the place. You felt like you couldn't feel anything, your senses felt numb with fear and terror. You didn’t know what had just happened. Was the angler not real? Was it quantum? Why did it show up here? Why was it even here in the eye to begin with? but whatever it was you didn’t like it.
You sat there and breathed for a bit, trying to ground yourself. Trying to remind yourself that it was gone. That the angler was gone and that it (probably) wouldn’t be back. Getting yourself up and dusting yourself off you pull out your signal scope to see what signal you were following. When you hold it up in the initial direction you had walked in (until you were so rudely interrupted by that angler) you immediately recognize the breathy notes of Feldspar’s harmonica.
Making your way in the direction of the harmonica’s melody, you eventually stumble upon the instrument resting upon a lone tree stump surrounded by mini jellyfish floating around it. Seemingly the same jellyfish that you encountered on Giant’s Deep.
Walking up closer to the harmonica you confirm that it's indeed where the signal of Feldspar’s medley is coming from. You holster your signalscope to your side and reach out to grab the harmonica, but before you can grab it the light of your flashlight flickers and suddenly your back at the campfire with Riebeck and Esker, and now another figure rests next to the fire. The all too familiar figure of Feldspar sat there next to the fire.
You reminisce for a moment at seeing them. You think about how no one will ever be able to hear their stories again. You think about how no one would ever know that they were alive all these years, about how Gossan would forever feel guilty about them disappearing and would never feel the relief of them being alive. You think about how no one would ever know they lived, and how no one would ever feel the relief of knowing they’re alive. You think about how lonely they must have been in the Dark Bramble for all those years. You think about how many times they have died alone in the Dark Bramble. You think about how they would never truly know about how missed they were. About how everyone wanted them home despite their own self doubt. About how they didn’t have to live up to the stories or expectations placed on them. That everyone would have been happy if they had just come home.
Was it the right thing to do? Was ending the loops the right thing to do? What right did you have in deciding when they ended? What right did you have in ending them when everyone else’s lives were also on the line. You ended them because what, because you wanted the pain to be over? All because of your own selfish desires!? This wasn’t just about you!!! There were so many others that deserved a say in your sole decision. They all deserved a say in it! Yet you ended the loops out of your own selfish desires for it to end, for it to be over.
(Buddy, you couldn't last forever in them. You were hurting and wanted it to be over, and that’s ok. You couldn't have saved them if you tried buddy. And you tried so hard buddy, that’s what truly matters, that you tried. And now you’re here, here with our memories, here to make something new, something better.)
(Don’t think about them!!! YOU'RE not ready!!!)
You had to make the sacrifices worth it you remind yourself, shoving your other thoughts away. Why were your thoughts being so loud? Why were they suddenly so pronounced? No, don't think about that right now. You can’t begin to doubt your decisions now. Not when you have already committed to the decisions you’ve made. Not when you can’t turn back. Not when you’ve lost everything. Not when you’re alone. Not when it’s all gone. Not when…
(Buddy, you are ready.)
(DON’T think about them!!! YOU’RE not ready!!!)
You didn’t even realize you had been staring at Feldspar for as long as you were, but they seemed to have noticed your aimless staring and loitering. They looked at you and gestured in a friendly and warm manner for you to come over to them, to talk to them.
You couldn't bear the thought of talking to them, of talking to someone who was gone. Someone who would never come back. You couldn’t…
(Buddy…)
(DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!!)
Ignoring the friendly gesture Feldspar offered you, you pull out your signal scope and turn to the nearest signal you can find, a set of drums, and march back out into the darkness.
You make your way through the darkness of the glade chasing after the signal, pushing your thoughts away, attempting to ignore them. Making your way through the darkness of the glade you eventually find your way into a small clearing with a telescope of some kind. Looking up to where the telescope is pointing you see small pseudo stars of some kind resting stalwart in the sky.
Pushing aside any questions you might have had (you have just accepted this place does not seem to abide by any laws of physics whatsoever) you check your signal scope again to see where the signal is coming from. You notice the signal is coming from the pseudo stars in the sky and you see the drums of the astronomer floating up there with them.
Looking through the signal scope you were suddenly struck with the feeling to reach out and grab the lone floating drums. You didn’t know why but your body abided and reached out to grab them as you peered through the signal scope. As you did so the light of the false stars, as well as the light of your flashlight flickered and dimmed, and suddenly you were standing back in the clearing of the campfire. With Chert now being added to the ensemble cast of your dead friends.
You froze as you were once again suddenly thrust into the clearing by forces beyond your comprehension. You knew you were probably going to appear back here but you didn’t want to be back here. You didn't want to see them. You didn’t want to be reminded of them. Reminded of your friends, of your family, of how they will never be able to fulfill their dreams, their ambitions, their hopes, their lives. You didn't want to be reminded of how they aren’t here. You didn’t want to be reminded about how they’re all gone. About how they’re never coming back. About how you're all that's left of everything.
(DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!!)
(You don’t need to hide from our memories buddy, you don’t need to be strong for us buddy. We’re here for you.)
…sniff…
Your eyes begin to water up as you see them all sitting there. You…you can’t… you need to…you can’t think about them. You can’t think about them because then you’ll… sniff… you need to be strong for them to make it all… sniff… make it all worth it. You need to…
…sniff…
Your muscles begin to tense with grief. You feel like you can’t breathe. You feel so alone… so scared… you need to not think about them, but why can’t you!? Why!? You need to…to be strong for them. But was it the right decision? Was it the right thing to… sniff… to end the loops? To end them out of your own selfish desire for it to…to be over? No, you need to forget them so you don’t stop, you’re doing this for them. You need to forget them to keep…keep going for them. You can’t think about… sniff… so you don’t… so you. But why do you keep… sniff… keep remembering? Why? Why was it…was it me!? WHY!? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME!? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME!?
(We love you so much buddy, please don’t keep pushing us away. We will always be here for you. Please don’t run away, please…)
(DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!!)
You turn around and run head first back into the surrounding glade. You can’t stay there. You can’t, you just can’t. You need to get away from them. From them all.
…sniff…
You run through the darkness of the glade. You keep running and don’t stop. You can’t stop running. You need to get away. You need to.
…sniff…
You're physically panting, trying to inhale as much oxygen as you physically can. Watery tears continue to blur the vision in your eyes as you run. You can hardly see now at this point and your legs are beginning to burn with how hard they are taking you forward.
…sniff…sniff…sniff…
(DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!!)
…sniff…sniff…sniff…sniff…
WHAM!!!
Running headfirst into one of the many pine trees dotting the glade brings your panic grief stricken running to an abrupt halt. You fall to the ground having hit your head on the inside of your suit.
All you feel right now is dazed, scared, and alone. You’re so unbelievably scared and alone. You were scared to let them go and now that you have you feel so scared of what’s gonna happen next. You just want them back, you just… just wanted them to all be happy. You just wanted them to… sniff… sniff… just wanted them all to…
Your stifled sniffling turns into full blown sobbing now. Lying there on the ground you can’t hold it in any longer. You're violently shaking now as you're beginning to hyperventilate. Your sobbing grips your entire body causing you to shake. You can’t. You just want your friends and family back. You just want your home back. You just want it back. It’s not fair! It’s not fair!!! IT’S NOT FAIR!!! WHY ME!? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?!?!?!?!?
(DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK ABOUT THEM!!! DON’T THINK…
“I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM!!!” You loudly scream into the surrounding empty darkness, silencing the little voice that was screaming in your head. You can’t stop thinking about them. They mean everything to you. All of them do, and you can’t stop thinking about them. Even when you try to do it for them.
You shift from lying down on the ground to a sitting position up against the tree you had run into now. Now pulling your legs up to your chest and wrapping your arms around them, you freely let your tears go, unable to stifle them, or your grief stricken self any longer. Any feelings or doubts about what you're doing are overpowered in a torrent of grief, sadness, and fear.
…
You sat there curled up.
…
Crying your eyes out for who knows how long.
…
Scared, alone, and tired.
…
You wanted them back
…
You really wanted them back. They didn’t deserve it. You just wanted them all to be happy. Why? Why me? Why now? Why?
…
…
…
…
…
…
(Buddy…)
You didn’t know how long you sat there curled against that tree, but it was long enough that your breathing had begun to even and your crying had turned back into small sniffles and quiet whimpers. Tears are now fully staining the sides of your face. You had cried so much that they had begun to flow into your secondary pair of eyes.
You didn’t know what to do. You weren’t ready. You didn’t want to let go. You thought you were but…
(Hey buddy…)
Finding the strength to push yourself up off the ground you still feel a bit dazed from the blow the tree did to you, but you find your footing quickly. Looking around all you see is the darkness of the silence glade.
All alone… with no one else… your all that’s left… of everything.
(You’re not alone buddy, we're here. Please don’t let yourself do this alone buddy.)
You double check the glade in all directions, seeming to yet again find nothing but deafening silence and darkness as far as the eye could see. That was until you chanced a glance at the tree you had run head first into. Upon inspection you notice something on the tree, something familiar.
A sign.
A wooden sign seemingly nailed to the tree. You knew who it was from. You knew exactly who it was from. And you didn’t know if your heart could take seeing them. You didn’t know if you were prepared for that interaction to occur. You weren’t prepared for any of the others so who’s to say the one you cared about the most would be remotely better.
(We’re here for you buddy, please just let us be there for you.)
Examining the sign with further scrutiny you notice the words written across its length.
‘It’s always dark,’ the sign read. Pulling out your signal scope you aim it at the sign and notice that Gabbro’s flute is emitting from it. Getting closer to the sign the signal suddenly shifts to a new direction, and after further examination you notice that the sign is pointing in the new direction of the signal.
You didn't know if you were ready to see them. If you were ready to confront those emotions. Those feelings of loss and grief. You didn't think you were ready, you didn't think you…
(Come find me buddy, come out and find me.)
You follow the melody into the darkness of the glade. Almost as a sort of compass to keep your direction and wits about you. Pressing forward you eventually stumble upon another sign nailed to another pine tree. Upon getting closer you notice that the signal is emitting from it just like the other sign. As you got closer you examine the words etched upon the sign.
‘The quiet shade,’ the sign read. As you finally managed to reach the sign the signal suddenly switched to a new location somewhere in the darkness of the surrounding glade, and just as before the sign pointed in the direction of that new location. You feel guiltily relieved you haven't found them yet, but it was only a matter of time before that reality was going to change.
(I'm close buddy, I'm so close.)
Venturing back out into the darkness of the glade following the signal you inevitably stumble upon another sign emitting the signal of Gabbro’s flute.
‘Across old bark,’ were the words etched into the wooden sign, and just like the previous signs it was emitting the same signal which shifted to a new location somewhere in the glade as you finally reached it.
(Just a little bit more buddy, just a little bit more.)
For the final time you walk into the darkness, chasing after the signal. You weren't ready, you weren't ready to see them, you weren't. But you couldn't forget them, you couldn't. No matter how hard you fought to forget them. No matter how hard you couldn't, you just couldn't.
As you reach the signal’s new location you see another sign. Upon getting close enough you finally see what it says. ‘In the ancient glade,’ it read with a sense of finality to it.
‘It’s always dark, the quiet shade, across old bark, in the ancient glade.’
What a Gabbro thing to have made into a poem. What a Gabbro thing to make a poem about. About the end of the universe, and about this strange and mind defying place they now find themself in. Noticing that the signal has now shifted to be up in the trees you activate your thrusters and chase after it.
You barrel through the branches of the pines above you, making your way through the thick foliage until you happen upon a lone hammock strung up between the trees. Checking your signal scope you notice that that's where the signal is emitting from, and upon further inspection you see Gabbro’s flute there, resting so peacefully in the hammock.
You weren’t ready, you weren't ready, you weren’t, ready you weren’t ready, you weren’t…
(I'm here bud.)
You reach out to collect the instrument and just as with the other instruments your light flickers and suddenly you find yourself back at the edge of the clearing of the little campfire with the other travelers at. You know they're there. You know they are, but you are dreading to look at them. You’re dreading seeing them again, because you don’t know what you’ll do if you do see them. You don’t know if you can continue on if you do see them.
You turn back to the darkness of the glade and march fourth back into it, prepared to power your way through this on your own. You didn't get very far back into the glade when suddenly you hear the crunching of dirt behind you as something is suddenly approaching you from the direction of the fire. You’re confused at first but scared to look up. Yet finally break your hesitation and look up right as someone throws themself at you and wraps their arms around you and holds you in a tight hug.
You know who it is, yet it doesn't make it any less painful. It doesn't make the fact that they're gone any easier.
“Hey buddy, it’s ok, I'm here. It’s all gonna be ok buddy,” Gabbro says in a soothing voice. The words feel like pin pricks to your heart as your eyes begin to blur with tears once again.
“Gabbro…I,” you choke out as your voice begins to chock up with grief and remorse. You tried so hard to forget them. You tried so hard to do it to make it easier. Yet here they were. Did they know you tried to forget them? If so, do they understand why? Did that hurt them? Would they forgive them if it did?
“It’s ok buddy, it’s ok. I’m here now. I’m here now,” Gabbro says reassuringly.
“But…but you're not. None of this is real. Your dead Gabbro. Your… sniff… you're gone. None of this is even real. All of you are… sniff… sniff… all of you are gone. Why? Why did it have to be me? Why did I… sniff… sniff… did I have to be the one to make the decision to pull the plug on it all? Why did it have to be me to experience the end of the universe over and… sniff… sniff… over again? Why did I have to see everything and everyone I know die over and… sniff… sniff… over again as I desperately try and save them, only for me to figure out the universe if dying. Why do I have to be reminded of losing it… sniff… sniff… of losing it all here in the eye? Why does it have to be me chasing ghosts at the end of the universe? Why me? Why of everyone and everything in the universe why me?”
“Why? Why Why? Why!? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?”
You crumple into Gabbro’s arms as your grief takes over. Your arms wrap around them in a death grip as you bury your head into their neck. (or at least as much as you could due to both of your suits getting in the way)
At this you both fall to your knees as you hold onto them, tears pricking the corners of your eyes once more as the grief takes over once again. You didn’t want to let them go. You didn’t want them to go away. You want them back. You want them back so much. You’re so scared and lonely. You’re so…
You hold them tightly. You hold them so unbelievably tightly. Your eyes now brimming with tears again as your emotions all come out again. You let out all of your grief, all your pain, all of your loneliness, all of it. You couldn’t forget them no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t.
“It’s gonna be ok buddy, I’m here for you, I’m here for you. It’s gonna be ok, you don’t have to do this alone,” Gabbro said reassuringly, rubbing circles into your back comfortingly, and while the touch of it was muted due to the suits you two were wearing, you savored it.
“I’m here,” they said comfortingly. “I’m here.”
You wanted to believe them, you really wanted to. But you knew they weren’t here. You knew they were gone. You knew this had to be some kind of hallucination from the eye. Some kind of trick of the mind or some kind of quantum shenanigans that Gabbro would ironically know more about.
“But… sniff… sniff… but you’re not. You’re not here, you're not… sniff… sniff… not here. This isn’t… sniff… can’t be real cause you’re… you’re gone. You’re gone Gabbro, you died. I’m alone Gabbro, I’m all… sniff… sniff… I’m all alone, Gabbro. None of this is real, none of this is…”
“Buddy, look at me,” Gabbro says. You take your head out of their neck and look at them long and hard. You look at them and are reminded why you loved them so much. The way they carried themself, the way they knew exactly how to calm you down, the way they were there for you through everything.
“Remember what you said about the quantum moon reflecting the physical locations of wherever it orbited. I have a theory that something similar is happening with you and the eye. The eye is reflecting your memories. The eye of the universe is reflecting off you. I am here buddy, I am here,” Gabbro said reassuringly.
At hearing Gabbro’s words your eyes begin to well up even more than before. Your grief is now comparable to an unstoppable tsunami.
“But you’re… sniff… sniff… you’re…you’re not real, you’re not really here, if what you’re saying is true this is simply eye reflecting my thoughts and memories, then you’re not here, you’re just a reflection of my memoires, your not…” you shakily choke out between hitched breaths and tears.
“Buddy, I am as ‘real’ as you are to me. I’m as real as your memories of me let me be. I don’t know exactly if I or anything here is really ‘real’ in the traditional sense. But what I do know is that I feel real. And that’s enough for me to want to be here for you.”
“Buddy, I love you so much. I love you so, so much. Please, you don’t have to go through this alone. Let us be there for you. Let us help you buddy. We're here for you, so let us help you.”
You bury your head back into Gabbro, any sense of stifling back any tears or emotions long having since been tossed aside, and you weep.
You don’t know how long you and Gabbro were wrapped up together on the forest floor but however long it was it didn’t feel like enough. You didn’t want this moment to end. You didn’t want to ever let go again. You didn’t want to lose them again.
Your crying had now subsided to nothing but a small whimper as your face was still buried deep inside their neck. You had so many regrets. You had so much to say, to apologize for you think to yourself.
You pull away from Gabbro and look at them. You can’t quite make out their face behind their helmet but you can guess it's one of warm reassurance and understanding, cause it was Gabbro. Cause Gabbro was always there for you, cause they were always your rock when you needed them the most.
“I’m sorry,” you say in a quiet whisper. The words faint. You almost hoped they hadn’t heard you say it.
“For what buddy?” They respond questioningly yet warmly.
“For… for everything. For not trying to save everyone hard enough. For not trying to get you to the eye with me hard enough,” you say quietly.
“For ending the loops and ending everything. For not being strong enough to get through this without needing your help,” you continue on, your voice growing louder and shaky.
“For trying to forget about you and everyone I know and love to try and make it all worth something and still being too much of a weakling coward to even be able to do that!!!” You yell loudly, almost immediately feeling guilty of yelling at Gabbro.
Ahh yes, another thing you can’t even get right, yelling at my partner is a sure fire way to resolve all my issues isn’t it you think to yourself.
“Buddy…” Gabbro starts but stops and seemingly thinks thoughtfully before responding.
“None of that is your fault,” Gabbro continues. “It’s not your fault that the universe literally ended.”
“No, but the way I handled everything is!” You respond quickly with.
“Buddy, it really isn’t. It’s now your fault you couldn’t save everyone, you couldn’t have saved them no matter how hard you tried. You couldn’t have brought me to the eye no matter how hard you tried, there wasn’t enough time buddy. It was out of your control, you couldn’t have done anything about it,” Gabbro said.
You sat there and listened, you wanted to retort, to fight against those words cause they weren’t true, cause they were wrong, cause they weren’t…
“It’s also ok to want to escape grief and what comes with it. It’s not selfish to want the pain of loss to end. It’s ok to want to ignore the pain, but you will have to tackle it eventually. Cause that’s how we heal and move on. That’s how we move forward. That’s how we manage to keep on going even when things get tough. The loops had to end eventually. We couldn't keep living the same twenty-two minute loop for the rest of eternity, cause that’s not really living. It wasn't really living having to go through the same pain, the same day, the same echo in the universe over and over. All things must come to an end eventually buddy, no matter how hard we try and fight against it,” Gabbro said.
“And buddy,” Gabbro moved their head forward and clinked the glass face visor of their helmet against yours. “You are not a weakling or a coward. You are the strongest person I know. You went through so much pain and loss and yet you kept pushing, you kept going even when it seemed hopeless. You tried, you tried so hard. You tried to make it work. You tried and persevered through so much that no one should ever have to go through. But that’s what matters the most. Not that you weren’t able to succeed, but that you even bothered at all. That you cared about us all enough that you were willing to die for us over and over to try and save us. It’s knowing that we mattered so much to you that were here as reflections of you in the Eye at the end of everything. It’s that we were everything to you. That’s what really matters buddy.”
You pulled Gabbro back into a tight embrace, your face visors still touching. You felt like you were going to start crying again but you had no more tears left to cry it felt like.
“Gabbro?”
“Yeah buddy?”
"How are you… how are you not… not scared? How are you able to cope with the death of everything? How are you able to… to keep… how?” You say quietly yet almost pleadingly.
“Truth be told, I am scared. The heat death of the universe is not something that is exactly pleasant," they say in a chuckle.
“But what helped me is knowing that I at least got to have fun while it lasted, that we were so unbelievably lucky to be here in this exact moment with these exact people in this exact universe at this exact time,” they continue.
“What do you mean we were lucky to be here, we were born at the heat death of the Universe?” You asked, perplexed at what Gabbro was saying.
“Think about it buddy, you would have never met me, or Hal, or Gossan, or anyone if you had been born in any other time or universe. You would have never been able to roast gooey Mallows over a fire at any other time or place, you would have never been able to make the memories you have at any other time or place in the universe. Think of how lucky we are that out of all of space and time that we could have been born into, we were born here and now. That by some cosmic game of dice we were able to meet and be together. That we were able to call the same place home. Think of how special that is. Of how lucky we truly were, that we got to live the life we got before the end. ”
“It helps to know that we got to do something that so many untold others might not have gotten to do. That we got to live lives with people we loved. That we got each other out of everyone we could’ve gotten in the universe,” Gabbro said with a brimming certainty.
“We might not be ‘real’ but that doesn't matter. What truly makes us real is the memories you have in that little head of yours. The fact you even got to experience any of it at all. The fact you got to eat squishy marshmallows, look at the stars, and tell campfire stories with your friends. The fact that any of it even happened at all. The memories and experiences that you made along the way is what truly matters, that’s what truly makes us real. And the reason why is because that means we'll be with you forever. We’ll never truly be gone because we’ll always be in that little head of your buddy. For the rest of eternity.”
You think about what they have said. About everything they have said. You think about your life. About your time as a hatchling playing in the geysers on Timber Hearth. About the pranks you would play on Chert when you were younger to get on their nerves. About the misadventures and mischief you and Hal would get up to. About your training with Gossan and dreams to see the stars. About your time with Gabbro in the loops and how you two grew to love each other, and you finally got it.
You feel a sense of ease and clarity run through your body. You finally got it. It was the memories that mattered the most, and that we got to experience those moments that form them at all. It was holding on to those moments because they would be with you forever unlike the moments themselves. It was holding on to your family’s love that mattered because that would always be with you, even if they themselves were gone.
You still didn’t know if you were ready to let go. To let go of everything, but you think you would never truly be fully ready to do that. You just had to be as ready as you could .
You pull your head away from Gabbro’s face visor and face them, looking for a long time at them. Taking them and their words in, taking on who they are, what they mean to you, and how they make you feel. And for the first time in a long time, you crack a smile.
“For the rest of eternity you say, well… that won’t be that much longer I suppose," you chuckle softly.
“Hehe, yeah… I guess you're right,” Gabbro replies with a similar soft chuckle.
You both make your way back to the fire with the other travelers, who all mob you with hugs and assurances. Feldspar, Riebeck, and Chert all making sure you're ok. All of them being there for you here at the end of everything.
Upon noticing you had others to still gather you venture back out into the glade to find them, to find their memories while the others waited with all the patience in the world for you to get them.
“I’m glad you remembered me,” Solanum said as you brought her to the fire with the others. It touched you that here at the end of everything that the thing that seemingly mattered the most to Solanum was that you remembered her. That you remembered her in lew of all that had happened, and you were glad to have remembered. To have remembered Chert, Riebeck, Feldspar, Gabbro, and as you spoke to the prisoner after having gathered them for the campfire, convincing them to join your ensemble at the end of time, you felt glad to have remembered them too.
And soon, the ensemble would ring out its first and final melody.
“Then it’s time, time to send our spark out into the darkness.”
“This song is new to me, but I am honored to be a part of it.”
“Well, then, here I go!”
“Ha ha! Here goes nothing!”
“You g-got it. I’ll do my best!”
“Ok, I won’t let you down!”
“Heh, this should be cool.”
And so the ensemble plays, letting its melody ring through the cosmos, letting it fold and morph what comes next. The notes flickering through the air, everyone adding their own touch to what comes next, morphing the possibilities to be.
And as the possibilities form together you think about everything. You reflect on the loss you’ve gone through, all the pain, all the suffering, you think about how unlucky you were to have been born at the end of everything, you think about how everyone will be gone, including you.
Yet you think about the moments that made it special as well. You think about how you and Hal spent so much time together creating the translator tool, you think about Gossan’s training and how you tried to make them proud, you think about Gabbro and how they were with you through the worst of it and how even now, they helped you to get through it. You think about how lucky you were to be born now, to be able to have all of them. You think about how lucky you are to have been born at the beginning of everything. To get to create something new, something different, something special.
You could never truly get over the loss of your home, but no one ever truly gets over grief, we simply learn to live with it. We simply learn how to persevere and live with the loss. And maybe now, you can take their memories with you, maybe now you can take all their love and compassion with you. Maybe that will make a kinder, gentler universe, maybe it will make something better. You will never get to see it, but it was something nonetheless.
And as the medley comes to a close, it is ready. All the possibilities laid out bare before you. All that there ever was and ever will be staring you in the face, ready to be observed.
“You cut it a little close, don’t you think?” Feldspar piped up.
“Well, it worked out in the end, I suppose. Ahh, I hope there are beasties in the next one,” They say triumphantly.
“Even if it’s over now, I had a good time learning. But I think the rules are about to change,” Chert declared.
“I learned a lot, by the end of everything. The past is past, now, but that’s… you know, that’s okay! It’s never really gone completely. The future is always built on the past, even if we won’t get to see it. Still, it’s, um, time for something new, now,” Riebeck noted.
“Wow… how long has it been since I got to make music with everyone. I’m really happy we’re all here,” Esker proclaimed.
“...How beautiful. It’s different than I’d envisioned. Whatever happens next, I do not think it is to be feared,” the Prisoner remarked.
“I tell you what, this has been really fun. And I got to make something pretty cool, so I’ve got no complaints. I mean, not me exactly, but close enough. It’s the kind of thing that makes you glad you stopped and smelled the pine trees along the way, you know?” Gabbro said.
You look around at everyone standing there. Having been there for you at the end and the beginning of everything. You look at your friends and family, and you know you are as ready as you could be.
“I love you guys,” you say triumphantly to the ensemble before you. A sense of finality wrapping around the words’s meaning as they escape your mouth.
“We love you to bud,” Feldspar loudly proclaims. Followed by a chorus of agreement from the others.
And right before you jump forward into all the possibilities, you turn to Gabbro. “I love you Gabs,” you say, facing them. At that they rise from the sitting position they were in and make their way over to you, pulling your helmet against theirs, touching your visors together.
“I love you to bud,” they say warmly.
You would never truly be fully ready to let it all go, but right now, right now you are as ready as you could ever be. Right now you were as content as you could ever be.
You pull away from Gabbro and look at them, imagining the possibilities. Maybe you two might be together again, maybe in the next life, maybe in the next universe.
Gabbro made their way back to their place and sat down, ready for what came next.
You take one last glance at Gabbro and the other travelers, and are content. You are content that even at the end and the beginning of everything, you got to make one last little campfire song with your friends. You got to have one last moment with them before everything changes.
And so, with one last hurrah from the universe, you turn to the possibilities before you, and leap.
And from that, you collapse all that there ever was and ever will be before you, and create something new.
It's beautiful
I agree bud
Maybe in the next life
Yeah, maybe in the next life
Love you Gabs
Love you to buddy
…
…
…