Chapter Text
EXT. Autobot Base - Outside - Day
Jerrica is here to conduct a series of interviews. Kimber is here for both the entertainment and support
JERRICA
I can’t do this. What if they think I’m a weirdo and ban me from ever showing my face again
KIMBER
They’re not going to do that. You’re already a weirdo and they like you just fine. You’re the one who dragged me out here - I’m not letting you leave now. It’s a Saturday. I’m missing Denver for this
JERRICA
That’s the one with the space people isn’t it
KIMBER
That’s Dino-Riders you uncultured plebian. Denver’s the cool one with the skateboard
JERRICA
Uh, space aliens are cool, Kimber
Kimber gives her an unimpressed look
KIMBER
You’re only saying that because you wanna fuck one of ‘em
JERRICA, HASTILY
I never said that
KIMBER
Uh-huh
JERRICA
I didn’t!
KIMBER
So you don’t want to fuck the hot alien car chick?
JERRICA, SPEAKING OUT THE SIDE OF HER MOUTH
I meeaannnn if she wants to, I’m not really opposed
KIMBER
God you’re annoying. Just ask her out like a normal person
JERRICA
Nooooo what if she rejects me Kim I need to have deniability if it goes bad
KIMBER
And you thought doing interviews based on dating preferences was the way to do it? You don’t think that’s weirder than just telling her you like her?
JERRICA
Yes exactly. You understand
KIMBER
I understand even less than I did before. No, actually, you’re right: I understand you’re an idiot
JERRICA
I’m disowning you for bullying me
KIMBER
Sure you are
Kimber grabs her arm, dragging her to the base. Jerrica protests but not very convincingly. Kimber has a bag with a tape recorder and microphone stuffed inside clutched in her other hand
KIMBER
Who do we go for first? I say Firestar or Windblade but it’s your idea. Pick your poison, sis
JERRICA
Uhhh. Powerglide?
KIMBER
I think he’s out with Astoria. She was on the news this morning getting into a plane and it looked like him
JERRICA
Damn, I was really hoping for an easy one. D’ya think Optimus would be okay with it?
KIMBER, SHRUGGING
Don’t see why not. He was fine when I asked him how they fuck
JERRICA
Don’t remind me. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole
KIMBER
And strangle me
JERRICA
And strangle you
KIMBER
My point stands though: unless you want to jump straight to the confirmed humanfuckers of the group, Optimus is prooooobably the safest option
JERRICA
[Sighs]
JERRICA
Fine. But only if he isn’t busy
Scene ends
Cut to:
INT. Autobot Base - Prime’s Office - Day
Jerrica and Kimber Benton stand in front of Optimus Prime. Jerrica is holding a reporter mic, looking determined and Kimber is recording behind her. Optimus pauses his work, giving them his full attention. He sounds amused when he speaks
OPTIMUS
My type? I assume you mean what I find attractive in a partner
JERRICA
That’s correct. And none of the “they need a fun personality” nonsense - I want physical features. The hard facts of what Cybertron considers….handsome? Pretty?
OPTIMUS
Sexy.
JERRICA
Yes!
Kimber covers a laugh. Jerrica shoots her a warning look. Optimus, still amused, looks off to the side as he ponders an answer
OPTIMUS
Hmm. I wouldn’t say height is a factor, exactly, but anyone taller than Skyfire is out. It’s just too difficult
JERRICA
Oh that’s surprising. Humans tend to love taller partners even if they’re already tall themselves
OPTIMUS
Really? That seems quite silly to me. I can’t speak for everyone, but isn’t it better when you don’t have to crane your neck up constantly to look at someone? Just thinking about it makes my neck hurt…
JERRICA
Combiners are out for you then, huh
OPTIMUS
Easily. There’s too many moving parts anyway. Everyone’s always talking about how hot it would be to get in the middle of all that but nobody wants to discuss how messy it is. They’re not even parking lots most of the time--
JERRICA
Parking lots????
Kimber leans over to Jerrica’s ear
KIMBER
I think that’s a polycule
JERRICA
Oh.
A brief pause as she digests this before she whips back around in shock
JERRICA
Wait so the Constructicons aren’t -
OPTIMUS
They are, but the Aerialbots are more like roommates, and the Combaticons are co-workers at best. It varies. That’s what makes it such a pain to navigate
Optimus’ face takes on the visage of a person who desperately needs a cigar
OPTIMUS
There’s also a chance the combined form has its own interest in somebody that the group as a whole doesn’t care for
JERRICA, HORRIFIED
That can happen?
OPTIMUS
More often than you think. It’s a common trope in dramas for a reason. Omega Supreme would know better about it but I don’t recommend bringing it up
He laughs to himself
OPTIMUS
Does that help?
JERRICA
I suppose. You don’t have any other specifics? Modifications, colours, alt-modes, that sort of thing?
OPTIMUS
Hmm. Overly-modded muscle cars that try to be as loud and obnoxious as possible piss me off, and if you make your high beams bright enough to be seen from space I’m running you off the road
Kimber wheezes behind the camera. The footage turns low-quality and fuzzy while she composes herself
JERRICA
High beams make me violent as is. I can’t imagine how much worse they are on Cybertron
OPTIMUS
Effective battle weapons though
JERRICA
…Flashing the enemy--
KIMBER
That’s effective on humans too
OPTIMUS
A different type of flashing to my understanding
KIMBER
No less effective! If you ever want to cause a pileup on the highway--
JERRICA
Don’t do that
KIMBER
I’m not endorsing it
Jerrica side-eyes her. Kimber did it once when they were teenagers and nearly got arrested for it. Jerrica remembers having to bail her out of trouble. Kimber conveniently forgets that part
OPTIMUS
I’ll keep it in mind
KIMBER
What about humans? Are you attracted to us or are we just weird animals to you?
JERRICA
Kimber. You can’t just say that. We have a script, we’re supposed to ease him in
OPTIMUS
Is this about [name bleeped out]
JERRICA
NO!
KIMBER
Yes
OPTIMUS
…
OPTIMUS
You could just ask her
JERRICA
Pfft - heh - just ask-- I have no idea who you’re talking about. This is for my own research. I have spreadsheets to make. Excuse me
Jerrica hastily leaves the room in comically large steps. Optimus and Kimber exchange a look. Kimber follows her out. Neither of them notice that Optimus dodged most of their questions