Chapter Text
A crumb of chocolate cookie broke off without much ceremony, bounced onto the keyboard, and disappeared under a key—right as a pale finger came down on it.
“You’re all a bunch of idiots,” the guy drawled, pushing the half-eaten cookie away and typing “for Miu’s dildo fund” above the donation line. “Of course Detective-chan isn’t here today. He got banned.”
Kokichi snorted, hit Enter, and dragged the overlay up, right under the window showing his grinning face. Shuichi wasn’t actually banned, but the flood of panicked “WHAT THE FUCK??” in chat was absolutely worth it. Sure, they calmed down soon enough—but that smug grin stayed glued to his face.
“Alright, alright, femboy enjoyers, chill out,” he said, sing-songing the words. Oma conveniently skipped the fact that he probably fit that label better than anyone else.
He shot the camera a playful wink. “He’s got a date tonight, hihi~”
Chat exploded instantly. The first message to catch his eye was from his mod, Irumu: “lol can’t see him next to you with a candle up your a—”
Her name sat proudly above the donation bar like she owned the damn stream. Figures. Luck was never really his thing.
The chat went feral, spamming “LMAOOOO TRUE” until the feed froze for a second. Kokichi sighed, regretting ever raising such a toxic-ass fanbase. At least the ones who’d migrated over from Shuichi’s channel were calmer—they just dropped a simple “fr.”
His finger twitched, clicking somewhere between the chat window and an ad for a food-delivery app. Oma inhaled sharply and started flipping through tabs, closing one labeled “PurpleHead TheDetective fanfics” before it was too late to hide it from stream view.
“Alright, kiddos, today’s a chill stream,” he rattled off, switching on some royalty-free lo-fi beats. “No Minecraft with Detective-chan this time, so I’ll just read donos and chat for a bit. Then maybe we’ll check out your fanworks—and I swear to god, if I see any furries, I’m logging off.”
Miu’s “He’s just jerking off, don’t worry” in chat hit like a slap—enough to flip the switch in Kokichi’s brain from “holy shit end stream” to a sharp laugh.
“No, my dear Miu, you can go fuck yourself,” Oma managed to say before a shrill notification of Shuichi’s voice interrupted him.
“Well, well, Angelus, right? Thanks for the two hundred!” he read aloud, grinning. “ ‘If the SquitSquad were animals, what would they be?’ ”
Kokichi made a sound halfway between a laugh and a cough. “Now that’s a hell of a question, Angelus. Let’s see... uh…”
He fought the desperate urge to call Saihara a kitten.
“I’d be a filthy little fox, obviously. Mmm—Iruma’s not officially in the squad, but she’s our shared mod, and we, uh, kinda pass her around…” his eyes narrowed mischievously at the ‘you little shit’ popping up in chat. “So—rabbit. She fucks around with everyone. Piano would be a hamster, she eats funny. As for Detective-chan…”
He pulled an exaggerated thinking face, hiding the fact that he was actually thinking hard—but the only thing that came to mind was kitten. A fucking kitten.
“Whatever. I can’t think of anything better than ‘a cat with yellow eyes.’ Chat, don’t laugh!”
Of course, that was all it took.
It started with Irumu pinning a message that said: “lmao holy shit you’re such a gay loser,” followed by Angelus’s “I should’ve seen that coming,” and ended in a flood of “LMAOOOOO what a clown.”
If Kokichi hadn’t been the butt of the joke, he’d probably laugh too—but instead he just forced a pout and rolled his eyes.
“No more talk streams with you assholes,” he muttered.
It was funny, though.
When Shuichi saw the clip later, he’d probably DM him something like “oh my god, darling, what are you doing,” instead of blocking him.
That was funnier.
That was safer.