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Night came sooner than expected, but none of that mattered to Anaxa. He was sat by his desk, his mind fixated on his gaming PC, and the screen reflecting a game from a franchise he hadn’t played since his early teenage years…
Amphor-ical Murder: ALPHA.
A remaster of the original. It had been a decade since its initial release.
The previous year, the developers had announced on the day of the 10th anniversary, they would release a rework of the original game that had new content and DLC, in addition to optimizing graphics and visuals that were fit for their time so that newer players get to experience APMD in a cleaner, more-polished way.
APMD had been a classic in the fujoshi-fudanshi space ever since, so with today marking the day of the remaster’s release…
If one were to question whether Anaxa had ever played APMD or not, it was enough to tell him that the person asking was not worthy of his time nor energy.
Of course, he had played. And there was no way in hell that he’d miss the opportunity to play the remastered version. In fact, ever since the announcement a year ago, Anaxa had been visiting the developer’s social media page everyday to see updates on how the development was going. To say he was prepared for the release was saying the least (he had even called for a day off months in advanced).
And when that time came, he was more than prepared to refresh the page, swipe his card, and open APMD to a starting menu he had last seen all those years ago.
Amphor-ical Murder: Alpha Edition came out 12pm. And now, the time read 10:48pm.
Anaxa hadn’t even known that much time had pass, but it wasn’t until he felt someone hug him from behind that he had the mental awareness to clock out of his gaming-mindscape and be forced upon reality.
Phainon knew of Anaxa’s gaming plans and had agreed (forced himself) on staying over that day as well. While Anaxa was preoccupied on APMD, Phainon let him be for once and busied himself around Anaxa’s apartment.
The few times Phainon interrupted him were to either check up on him–and then be on his way–or to slip him some food, not forgetting to plant a simple kiss on his cheek before leaving.
It was an odd string of behaviors. Under normal circumstances, Phainon would be glued to his side, non-stop bugging him and begging for his attention like some sort of damn dog.
“Anaxa, what are you playing?”
“Anaxa, what’s the game about?”
“Anaxa, is this another BL?”
“Anaxa, what happened just now?”
“Anaxa, do you like this game?”
“Anaxa, can I play?”
“Anaxa, it’s been a while since you’ve last talked to me.”
“Anaxa, are you almost done?”
“Anaxa, how much longer are you gonna keep playing?”
“Anaxa.”, “Anaxa– “, “Anaxa!”, “Anaxa…”
A dog that was all bark, no bite. It was not the correct way to use that phrase, but it was the perfect to describe just how desperate Phainon was for his attention. And how old was he? (Phainon was 18.)
He was always so clingy… yet for today, he left Anaxa to do his own thing. Even on days where he knew Anaxa had free time from his busy schedule, Phainon would make himself known and pester him all day, or at the very least, stay by his side.
So, to have him be so compliant and restrain himself to let Anaxa be… It was out of character of him to say the least.
The behavior was odd enough for Anaxa to turn his attention away from the game–on such a cruciall moment too–to face the owner of the arms that had given him an embrace.
When he turned, he was greeted with an immediate smile from Phainon and he felt the arms wrapped around his stomach tighten into a tighter, but gentler and more comfortable hug. “How are you?”
One of Phainon’s simple check-ups, but this time, he got his attention with physical touch rather than from a knock on the door. The question he asked was easy, but the expression he wore said anything but.
Doting, serene, and tranquil. One that Anaxa thought was like an expression one of the main love interests from APMD made to the MC. That said-love interest was the route he was about to finish at that very moment.
Phainon took him out of the experience when he barged in to see how he was doing, but it wasn’t like Anaxa was going to leave him hanging because of that. He didn’t know any better, and even if he did, something in his gut told him that he would let it slide anyways.
“I’m fine.” Even after hours on end sitting at his desk, ‘fine’ was the best way he could describe how he was feeling.
If he were being honest, ‘fine’ was the furthest thing he was. In front of him was a franchise that was a catalyst in his current interest and a game he had anticipated for a whole year up to that point. He was ecstatic if anything, but he was never a man to overexplain himself when it wasn’t necessary. Unless someone asked for it, he kept his answers short.
Phainon was someone who had experienced Anaxa’s lack-of-word answers for however long they had known each other and seeing it again for the umpteenth time made him chuckle no less than the previous ones.
“I’m glad…” He snuggled his head in the crook of his neck before looking forward towards the dual computer monitors to ask him another question. “How was it?” To clarify himself, Phainon used his chin to point to the screen that was playing APMD.
A simple, but excellent question; an instinctual chuckle slipped past Anaxa’s lips as he faced the screen also. Instead of answering him straight, why not show him instead? “Why don’t you watch and see for yourself?”
The gameplay on the monitor reflected the PNGs of the MC and his love interest with the dialog-text box that scrolled text through as Anaxa clicked the button of his controller to pass through it. He slowed down his clicking to give time to Phainon to read the words, but he didn’t slow down too much as he knew the scene that was about to come.
A new CGI was about to show itself, and when it did, voice acting ensued. What appeared was a beautiful image of the two characters on their wedding day as they kissed after the priest claimed, ‘You may now kiss the groom!’.
He was facing away from him, but with the way Phainon’s back straightened and how his voice lit up, Anaxa could tell his eyes were sparkling out of pure joy. “Anaxa, you’re amazing!”
If he were being honest, it was quite adorable, and that fact made him chuckle as he sat back on his chair and turned his head to see the amazement painted across Phainon’s face. “My intelligence goes beyond books and academics, Phainon. Did you think I was going to lose?”
“Not at all…” He sagged against Anaxa’s shoulder again and the arms around him squeezed tighter. “…”
Phainon didn’t say anything after that, and Anaxa didn’t mind much in the slightest. He turned his attention towards the game that he put in autoplay and began listening to the characters’ voices through the beautiful and elegant background music.
…
After we parted from our kiss, I saw him look up at me and…
… laughed?!
He laughed… It was rare to hear him genuinely laugh, but he did this time.
And this kind of laugh of his… it has always sounded like the wheat fields of home…
It rang like the bells of the front door every time someone opened it and walked through it.
Like the gentle waves the winds blow at the lake as it reflected the stars of the night.
“…”
He laughed and raised his hand to my cheek.
“Why are you crying?”
“…”
…
… I hadn’t even realized I was crying…
But hearing him point it out now… The emotions hit me like a wave.
“I…”
“…”
“It’s fine.”
He moved his thumb to wipe the tears the fell from my face.
“I’ve known you for long enough. I know how you feel”
“There’s no need to spill your words out when it comes to me.”
“…”
What snapped Anaxa out of the gameplay wasn’t the game itself, nor was it the fact that the remastered version had, thus far, exceeded his expectation when it came to reworking the decade-old video game. But it was the soft, longing touch that he felt at the side of his face.
A kiss on the cheek.
A practice that Phainon had done numerous of times before. Ever since Anaxa let him do it as part of his ‘graduation gift’, he had integrated it into their lives bit by bit as time went on.
At first, Anaxa had a lot to say about it– ‘Unless you had forgotten your graduation is over. There is no reason for you to keep going with this practice’.
But Phainon, being Phainon– ‘Your family does this, so what’s the harm in me doing it as well? Besides, we’ve known each other for so long, I’m practically a part of your family!’–, persisted, and in due time, succeeded in whatever personal mission he had set for himself. And Anaxa had let him be.
But the kiss that happened was different from the rest. If the last ones were a quick one-and-done peck, then the one Anaxa was experiencing now was one of desire and yearnful need. Like a young bird’s resolve and passion… its determination burning to fly, as it spreads its wings and waits to take to the sky…
… Anaxa had no reason to be thinking so much into such a simple gesture. However, because of that, he felt a shiver go down his spine as the heat from his heart rose to his face.
He knew his reaction was obvious, and it no less went past Phainon as he felt him chuckle and lean in further into the kiss.
This time, Anaxa was ready, and he moved his head when Phainon did.
However, if there was one thing Anaxa learned about Phainon, it was to never underestimate him. And at that moment, he remembered the hard way.
He should’ve known that moving his head alone wasn’t going to stop him.
Before he could move away, Phainon raised a hand to grab his face and used his other to grab Anaxa’s own. He intertwined their fingers and even with the free hand that he used to push at Phainon’s face and chest, Anaxa couldn’t budge him.
The hold he had on his face was forceful before, but now, Phainon softened his grip–not so much so that it gave Anaxa and out in his grasp, however.
He still held him in a way so that Anaxa could not bury his cheek in his shoulder as he started to peck a healthy number of kisses all throughout his cheek, temple, jaw, neck, and even all the way down to his collarbone, sneaking in a few nibbles of his skin here-and-there like the cheeky puppy he is.
Anaxa squirmed under him as he continued for another 10 seconds of his onslaught until its eventual seize. With his last kiss, it was the one out of all of them that was closets to Anaxa’s mouth, his lips grazing the corner of his by the skin of his teeth.
He wasn’t looking, but he felt a sharp, but gentle gaze on him as Phainon backed away.
“…”
“…” Whatever he was staring at made the skin he kissed burn all the brighter, and Anaxa couldn’t fight off the deep flush he knew he had. “… What the hell were you thinking…?”
With how smug he sounded, Anaxa knew he was smirking. But within that smugness, there was a voice that Phainon reserved just for him. One that held so much respect, it border-lined into adoration. “… Did you like it?”
“… What is wrong with you…”
Phainon’s laugh was light as he kissed Anaxa’s cheek one last time (he had hoped–for his own sanity) and rested his head back onto his shoulder.
His smile was so blissful and innocent… if he had known better, Anaxa wouldn’t have thought he had done such an unruly assault seconds ago.
Phainon’s eyes were focused back on AMPD and with nothing else to say of his own, Anaxa, too, face forward and decided to not question what-in-the-hell-happened-just-now any further.
And they remained silent. Anaxa’s attention was on the screen, letting the wedding scene and voice acting play out to its fullest. He was never one to feel such strong, intense emotions towards any moments of the like in any type of content he had indulged in, and even if the one in front of him was no exception, he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t feel anything at all.
Although he loved APMD, the wedding scene was no more special than any other wedding scene he had seen playing other visual novels. Yet despite that, he couldn’t suppress the aching feeling in his chest that threatened to grow the more aware he was of his surroundings.
The heart-felt, sentimental scene, the comfortable silence in the air, and the warmth of two arms wrapped around his stomach, accompanied by a head snuggled against his own…
Before that thought could manifest further into his psyche, Anaxa shook the feeling off, ignoring it and redirecting his mind once more.
The screen fading to black and beginning its transition to the end credits montage was the time one of them spoke for the first time since his reverent-cheek-kiss-violation on Anaxa: Phainon. “… Anaxa…?”
“Hm?”
“What are your thoughts on marriage?”
“My thoughts on marriage?” An odd but fitting question; one Anaxa didn’t mind answering. “I have not thought about it as it is not my interest to get into something that is not in my schedule.”
“So… you never want to get married…?”
“I never said that.”
“So, you do want to get married?”
“…” It was obvious to anyone that Phainon wanted a specific, exact answer, but Anaxa sighed and shifted his gaze down to the arms around him. He couldn’t indulge further with Phainon’s thoughts, for he didn’t know the answer himself. “… I never said that either. As I said, I have never thought of it.”
Phainon hummed and with a side-eye glance, Anaxa could see regardless of his non-answer, the softness and warmth from his smile remained. “Then let’s give a hypothetical.
“Say there was a perfect guy that was your ideal type, and you have been together for many, many years and had known each other for many more. One day, he asks you to marry him. Would you?”
“Of course.” The immediate response he gave even shocked himself. He felt Phainon jolt from it and heard the surprise in his voice as a result.
“Re- Really…?!”
Even though he was just as shocked, Phainon’s astonishment still left Anaxa confused as to why he was in the first place. “Do you not like my answer…?”
“No, not at all!” Phainon straightened up to his fullest this time and to look him in the eye, Anaxa had to adjust himself to look up at him (it made him wonder, ‘has Phainon strained his neck and back hugging him? It couldn’t have been comfortable to do so…’). “It just kind of shocks me. Imaging you, getting married…”
That made Anaxa laugh a small breath out. It was not one of harshness, but rather, he was amused at the fact Phainon was still shocked by some of the things he says and does. “Am I so eccentric to you that you think I am uncapable of wanting marriage?”
“Not at all.” He repeated himself, but this time, Phainon sounded sterner and more serious. His face was resolute, but Anaxa knew, somehow, he meant no harm at all. “Someone would be mistaken if they didn’t want to marry you.”
“…” Such an honest, abrupt declaration… And one that directed itself to being about him.
Time and time again, Phainon would find a way to include Anaxa in his thoughts. Thoughts that would end up as either as lighthearted teases that made him scowl or such sincere praises that would knock him off his metaphorical feet.
Like when they went shopping one time at the grocery store, Phainon picked up a child’s toy off the shelf of a disgruntled, hideous monster-creature with an eyepatch that was supposed to resemble one of those ugly-but-cute toys and turned to tell him, “I saw this and thought of you, Anaxa.”
Or when Anaxa was having a small, heated argument with a classmate, Phainon–who Anaxa had bought along with him to campus after he begged him to follow–had slammed the table with his hand, interrupted them, and turned his gaze (glare) towards the classmate whose demeanor started to become aggressive and illogical. “Anaxa would never stoop as low as throwing away logic for insults. That fact you have means that this argument is over…”
Or when they were hanging out with their families together, when they went to the bookstore and all stood as a group in a long checkout line, waiting, Phainon ran to get a few more books and came back with a children’s dinosaur book, a school textbook of advanced philosophy for students who were looking to get a PhD in said field, and a thick, thick yaoi manga wrapped in plastic with a cover that was edging on being erotic–but not enough to not be pulled of any public shelf–, making sure both their families saw, “Anaxa, I got books for you I know you’ll love!”
Or when Anaxa was complaining–as per Phainon’s request to hear and listen–about a colleague of his back when he was working as an intern in The Grove’s research facility, laughing and explaining himself after Anaxa had glared and scowled at him for being such a tease–despite Phainon himself begging for his attention–, “If I didn’t like you as much as I do, I would’ve annoyed you as well like that, Anaxa.”
… He should stop thinking so much about Phainon while he’s ahead…
He knew he was quiet the whole time as he was deep into his thoughts, so he asked Phainon something before he could question him on whether there was anything wrong. “And what about you? Would you want to get married?”
“…” Phainon settled his head back to its original place on Anaxa’s neck as he was silent in consideration. Anaxa focused back on the end credits screen when he didn’t express any of his thoughts out loud, but was interrupted again by his voice after almost a minute of silence went by. “… Of course I want to get married. More than anything in the world…”
If he was silent for so long, he must have been so deep in his mind to think of an answer… Was the question that important to him? Anaxa wasn’t sure and was about to drop the conversation from there, but Phainon continued his statement. And to say Anaxa expected it would be a great understatement. “… And I hope… the person I marry turns out to be someone like you…”
“…”
“…”
“…”
… The silence that followed was more deafening than any of the previous silences combined and tripled. It was not one of pain nor awkwardness, but one of a longing so palpable, it was surprising how neither one of them hadn’t start choking or suffocating right on the spot.
Had it not been for the end credits of APMD ending and adding another layer awkwardness in the air–for there was nothing to look at but the still title screen (he had no excuse left to remain silent)–, Anaxa would’ve remained in the uncomfortable, quiet space for an infinite amount of time.
He was the first to speak between the two, and his voice couldn’t have been any more uneasy. “You sound so confident in getting married, yet you do not even have a lover yet…”
“I know…” Phainon’s voice faded as he spoke. He didn’t seem upset nor unsettled, but rather, his voice emitted an emotion he never was around Anaxa before. He sounded… nervous…
Out of some unexplained instinct, Anaxa opened his mouth to end and drop the converstation from there, but Phainon was quick to beat him to it. His voice remained the same as before, but this time, there was an undertone of assurance and confidence hidden within. “… but once I do, I’ll do anything in my power to protect them and make them happy. I wouldn’t want to be with someone if I didn’t love them otherwise…”
He felt Phainon lift his head and when he turned towards him, he saw they were inches apart and eye leveled. His eyes were absent of the wrinkles he had when he smiled, but it did not make said smile any less expressive.
It was soft, but it differed to the ones he wore on even the most special occasions. If Anaxa were to reach out and hold his face in the palm of his hand, he swore it’d feel no different than holding a white, fluffy cloud on a day so bright, even the sun would have sworn to be his enemy.
He wanted to… so bad… but Anaxa clutched his controller tight and held himself back. It must have shown in his expression, however, because Phainon chuckled at the frown that he had on, and jostled Anaxa’s body with his arms.
His soft expression turned playful and smug, but the affection was still evident in his voice. “Besides, you’re by my side…” When his shaking had stilled, Phainon pulled him and the chair as close to his body as possible. If it were not for said chair, Anaxa knew that if he were pulled in a bit tighter, he’d be able to feel Phainon’s heartbeat at a pace warm enough to melt snow off a cute puppy’s delicate back. Maybe, in some other-worldly universe, their distance would be enough for Anaxa to feel Phainon alive from his chest…
Anaxa did a slight tilt of his head after realizing Phainon had never finished his sentence. Looking at him, there was some slight tension in his face and his lips began forming into a frown. But upon seeing Anaxa wait for him, he stiffened up, inhaled and exhaled out a deep breath, and spoke out words like a declaration to… something… (Anaxa couldn’t find words to that exact feeling). “… with you, I can accomplish anything…”
“…”
… More silence… Time and time again, at their current predicament, silence made its way back around them for the millionth time. Anaxa felt the ever-growing heat in him become all-the-more apparent as they kept as it of their continuous build-up of… some strange, fantastical tension…
The cogs in his mind were going at Mach 10, and if they were to keep going with their… outlandish banter, Anaxa would soon end up in the local news for being driven up against every wall in their city. He had enough of this…
He glared at Phainon and made sure he saw it with his own eyes. When he stared back with a blank look on his face and blinked, Anaxa turned his full attention back to APMD.
He wasn’t going to be led astray this time. Phainon was lucky to not even be kicked out at that very moment. But Anaxa, in his delirious but still-conscious state, wanted to keep him around for a reason he didn’t even know himself. And one he didn’t bother trying to decipher.
He exhaled a breath out and pressed the NEW GAME option on the start menu and as soon as he did, with the ding of a button press resonating throughout the room, he felt Phainon release the tight embrace he had on him and felt him relax back into the position he was in when he first entered the room and surprised Anaxa.
… At last, peace from all the embarrassment… But for an odd reason that he couldn’t wrap his mind around, Anaxa felt a sense of loss as things went back to how they were before. What was there to lose for him in the first place to feel this way…?