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There’s something incredibly nerve-wracking about sharing one’s personal projects with the whole band – sure, they’ve trained together, they’ve practiced choreographies and recorded songs together until late into the night several times, more than any of them can count, but that’s for the band and they’re all in it together. This? This is different.
Jongseong feels his heart beat a tiny bit faster as the video of his cover slowly comes to an end. It’s one o’clock in the morning by now but earlier in the night, once they were all in their pajamas and ready to tuck in for a few more hours of sleep than what they usually get, his phone pinged with an email notification from the company. Attached, he found the file of the music video and…
The boys couldn’t wait. They gathered on their couch with Jongseong in the middle, piling up as best they could, although Ni-ki and Jungwon ended up taking spots on the floor by their feet, and Heeseung connected Jay’s phone to the TV so they could watch the video comfortably. It won’t be made public before at least a few more weeks and he honestly doesn’t think that the boys could wait for so long to see his performance. It’s flattering and heartwarming, but even if they come from a good place, their expectations are also so, so stressful.
Now, the last notes on the piano fade and for a few seconds, there’s nothing but the sound of his heartbeat, louder to his own ears than it should be, and the echo of his voice that lingers in the silence of their dorm while he waits for someone to say something. Anything, really.
He’s so nervous. This cover means so much to him as a personal achievement, sure, but it’s also an open window on his soul. It’s the cover of a rock ballad, it’s his voice and his guitar, and it feels a bit like introducing his first love to his family while hoping for the best and warmest welcome as possible.
“Whoa, Jay-hyung!” someone finally exclaims, voice filled with awe and badly-hidden pride.
It’s Jungwon’s voice. Of course it is, of course his baby leader is the first to recover and express his admiration, which rings so clear in his tone. It’s like a dam breaks and suddenly, the boys are all over him: Sunoo is shouting in his right ear how impressive Jongseong is, while Ni-ki probably did some complicated move to reach him and is now slapping his back a bit harder than necessary, the little brat. Jongseong is pretty sure it’s Sunghoon’s elbow that’s digging in his ribs, and the hand ruffling his hair is probably Heeseung’s. Jungwon is still hyping him up from the floor and Jongseong is so relieved from their positive reactions, but he’s missing one, so he spits out a mouthful of Sunghoon’s hair and tries to look above the melee, and…
And there’s Jaeyun, sitting in his little corner of the couch, hugging his knees, his eyes veiled by a teary sheen.
Jongseong panics a little inside and yet, in spite of the rock that falls at the bottom of his stomach at the sight of his boyfriend in this poor state, he manages to keep his voice smooth.
“You alright there, Jakey?”
Jaeyun turns his big brown glassy eyes towards him and… and bursts into tears.
Oh fuck.
Jongseong’s eyes widen at the unexpected reaction and he splutters, dislodging Ni-ki from his lap – when did he even get there? – and he tries to reach out for Jaeyun but Jungwon stood up at some point and he’s in the way, so he remains rooted on his spot while his boyfriend softly cries.
“S… sorry,” he stammers, rubbing at his eyes, “I just…”
He trails off, at a loss, seemingly not even knowing what he meant to say, and Jongseong’s heart breaks a little at the miserable expression on his beautiful face.
“Hey…” he whispers, but he doesn’t say anything else, not while their members are still there: he loves them, he does, and he doesn’t hide anything from them but this is between Jaeyun and him.
“We should let you two talk.”
Bless Park Sunghoon, honestly. He’s so attuned to Jongseong’s and Jaeyun’s needs, it’s sometimes frightening.
Jongseong barely notices the five others as they leave them be and head in different directions: bathroom, bedroom, kitchen. It doesn’t really matter. His focus is set on Jaeyun and his shaky breathing, his shaking shoulders. Jongseong is not a self-centered person and even though this moment was about him and the song, even though he has his insecurities, he doesn’t ask if his cover was that bad, not even jokingly. Because Jaeyun’s tears? They are the only thing that matters right now.
“Sorry,” Jaeyun repeats in a very small voice before Jongseong can say or ask anything. “I don’t know w… what happened. Your cover was beautiful. Sorry for ruining your moment.”
“Hey, hey…” Jongseong murmurs, sliding across the couch to sit closer to Jaeyun, so he can wrap an arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders and pull him in his embrace. “None of that, now. Talk to me. How do you feel?”
“I’m okay, Jongseong,” Jaeyun assures him softly, but at the same time he burrows a bit deeper under the older boy’s arm and settles against him, so close he can probably feel Jongseong’s heartbeat echo through his own ribcage. “Just feeling a bit emotional, that’s all.”
“A bit?” Jongseong half-teases, half-probes, cautious, as he doesn’t want Jaeyun to think he doesn’t take his feelings seriously.
“You have a beautiful voice,” is all Jaeyun answers, although the statement is followed by a quiet sniffle. “You did well, Jongseong-ah.”
The words are both a compliment and a defense, as if it were enough to explain the tears, and Jongseong holds him a bit tighter, encouraging him to keep going. Jaeyun rests his head on his shoulder and Jongseong doesn’t need to look at him to know that he’s closed his eyes. It’s a little thing Jaeyun does sometimes, close his eyes so that he can focus on himself, his feelings and the words he wants to say, so his boyfriend remains quiet and waits for him to structure in his head the thoughts he wants to voice out.
“The lyrics got to me,” Jaeyun eventually admits, his voice low. “That kind of everlasting, unconditional love… It’s a little tragic but it’s… I don’t know. Maybe it’s cliché but this is the kind of love I want.”
There’s a short moment of silence during which Jongseong really, really tries not to react – because if he gets started, he might never stop waxing poetics about Jaeyun and he might even give Jon Bon Jovi a run for his money. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to resist for long: Jaeyun’s eyes fly open and he looks up, stricken.
“Fuck,” he says in English, a telltale sign of his distress, “Jongseong, this isn’t… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way! I don’t mean I’m not satisfied with the way you… Damnit, I know you love me, and I’m happy like this, and… I’m happy, Jongseong. I am, I swear, and I’m… fulfilled in our relationship, and I didn’t mean anything else by it!”
Jaeyun looks close to tears again and Jongseong takes pity on him. He gently takes his face in his hands, cupping his cheeks, and Jaeyun grows quiet when he slowly, slowly presses their lips together. He feels his boyfriend deflate against him, as if in relief that they are okay.
“I know,” Jongseong breathes out in the air between them, quiet and intimate. “Jaeyun, we’ve been together for a while now, and I trust you, I trust us. I know that you don’t doubt my love for you. We’re above this… but that also doesn’t mean you can’t ask for more.”
Jaeyun shakes his head and fiddles with the collar of his boyfriend’s pajama top.
“I don’t need more, Jongseong,” he says softly. “I’m sorry, I’m just being silly because of the song. I don’t need our love to be so dramatic or to get you to… what was it? Pack up our old dreams and our old lives or find a place where the sun still shines. I don’t need that. I guess that hearing you sing about this made me cry because it’s so… heartfelt. Real, in your voice. And I fucking love your voice.”
Jongseong takes Jaeyun’s hands in his own and looks at him, angling his head down so he can find and hold his boyfriend’s gaze. Jaeyun’s own is still a little glassy but also so, so warm, and he can’t help but smile at this soft boy whom he loves so much.
“Do you know what made me choose this specific song to cover?” he asks quietly.
“Your love for Bon Jovi?” Jaeyun answers with a barely-there giggle, as if it was obvious and he was only humoring him.
Jongseong huffs a laugh and gently bumps his nose against Jaeyun’s.
“My love for you, Jaeyun,” he corrects. “For you. Because you’re it for me. And this song? Loving someone, loving you, forever and a day? Even if someday you’re not mine anymore? Being there for you ‘till the stars don’t shine, ‘till the heavens burst and the words don’t rhyme? This is me. You’re the reason I picked this song, because if there’s one person I’d do this for, it’s you.”
And Jaeyun starts sobbing. He’s sobbing, overwhelmed by Jongseong’s genuine love for him, still he clambers onto Jongseong’s lap and holds him tight, hands tangling in his hair so that he can press lingering kisses against his mouth. He’s relentless, yet he whispers between each kiss I. Love. You. So. Much. Soon, Jongseong stills him with one hand on his waist, the other firm on his neck.
“Let me kiss you properly,” he murmurs. “Please.”
Jaeyun melts against him as he nods and slots their lips together once more. This time he stays, encouraged by Jongseong’s gentle and anchoring hand on his hipbone. His other hand slips from his neck to his jaw but then, his fingers travel lightly to brush against his cheek, where they caress the traces that his tears left on his skin. As their kiss deepens, Jongseong erases the remains of Jaeyun’s heartbreaking outburst, until they’re both breathless and need to break apart. Not much though, they can’t, and Jaeyun rests their foreheads together as he inhales, deep and slow.
“Thank you,” he tells Jongseong, his eyes still bright, but filled with joy this time.
“What for?” comes the puzzled reply, because Jongseong can’t, for the life of him, imagine why his boyfriend would be thanking him like this.
“Being you.”
Oh. Jongseong grins, perhaps a bit stupidly. This… This makes a ball of emotions rise in his throat, a little painful lump that he has to swallow down carefully. Suddenly, he thinks that maybe he knows what Jaeyun must have felt as he listened to his cover earlier and took the words to heart. This endless amount of love, the warmth of knowing that there is someone out there who sees all of you, faults and all, and still decides to cherish you… It’s heady and addictive, in the best way, and his affection for the younger man skyrockets.
“Come to bed,” Jongseong whispers in Jaeyun’s ear. “Let’s cuddle the night away.”
“We can cuddle here,” Jaeyun pouts, clearly intent on staying there and not moving for the foreseeable future, now that he’s comfortably settled on his boyfriend’s lap.
Jongseong hums. He doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t point out that he’s taller and that his back will be killing him by the time morning comes. Anything for Jaeyun. There’s no price I won’t pay, sings Bon Jovi, and maybe Jaeyun and he don’t need to be so dramatic, but there won’t be a day that Jongseong will not show Jaeyun just how loved he is – always. And maybe, maybe, someday the words he will sing to Jaeyun will be his own.
Bon Jovi’d better hang on tight.