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It was late. Later than normal at least. Still morning but later than when he would’ve normally woke. It was blamed on the lack of sun shining through the gaps in the curtains, keeping the room dark and convincing Mac that it was still night. The blackout curtains Julia had bought had done wonders with getting him back on a regular sleep schedule, and were a godsend for headaches or oncoming migraines, but they weren’t the reason Mac overslept by three hours.
It was dark out, gloomy, a definite for rain in the very near future.
Jack had been talking about the last time he remembered getting a big storm; rained for a literal week straight, hailed once or twice, everything was flooded, they even lost power for a day. That was when everyone was scrambling with locking everything, securing the animals, stocking up on supplies, and placing sandbags. With how dark the clouds were, Mac figured it was going to be like that, and it raised a question of why no one woke him to help out with things. Three hours was a long time to miss getting work done, and could possibly cause something important to be put off for too long.
Mac had gotten dressed and headed down stairs, not surprised when the house was empty, lingering smell of breakfast barely in the air. There was a plate for him in the fridge, but he wasn’t all that hungry really— mainly he’d stomach it down but thought it would end up upsetting him later.
He wanted to find Jack or Julia, ask them what they needed help with, but doing a quick look outside showed both the cars were gone. It wasn’t the first time he’d been at the house by himself, but not having any idea where anyone else was made him a bit anxious. It brought back memories of when he was younger, when his dad would leave him alone for days or weeks at a time and he had to make due with whatever was in the house.
He knew the situations weren’t the same, not in the least. Jack and Julia were either getting the animals contained and safe, or in town getting supplies. It wasn’t like they’d left him. That was their home. And it wasn’t like Mac was a child again either; he wasn’t trapped there with limited resources. There was still a truck he could take if he wanted or needed to go anywhere, the pantry was still plenty stocked with various foods— and Mac had ways to communicate.
He went back upstairs to check his phone and low and behold, Jack had texted him nearly an hour ago, saying Julia went into town to pick up some last minute things, and he himself was helping a family friend in another ranch sandbag some areas that were prone to flooding.
The anxiety that had been growing in his chest diminished nearly completely as he read the message. Nearly eight months there and Mac was still terrified that neither Jack or his mother really wanted him there. He’d gotten better at it— believing someone actually wanted him, and Jack and Julia left subtle hints that always reinforced the idea.
Nevertheless, he headed back down stairs to more or less wait for them to come back. He figured he might as well clean up a bit, not that there was much of anything to clean. He did the breakfast dishes and wiped all the counters down. That was really all there was to do. The house was never really messy, nothing more than maybe shoe prints coming from the door, very unlike his own house in LA where there were always projects scattered about and loose papers everywhere with detailed scribblings in them. He missed it more often than he thought, or really, missed Bozer and his family more than anything else.
And thinking about Bozer sent a wave over him, and Mac suddenly had a very real need to call and talk to him.
He went back upstairs one more time to grab his lab top before settling at the table to call. It had been a while since an actual video call, Bozer being busy with school and his job, but he always picked up when Mac called regularly, and if Mac was being completely honest, he was surprised Bozer answered the video call so quickly without Mac giving him a heads up.
“You— must be psychic.” Bozer laughed through the screen. “I’ve barely been home ten minutes and was thinking about giving you a call just to check in, and you just call me upright before I call you up.”
“Sorry,” Mac laughed, “I hit call before I realized I didn’t text you or anything.”
“Hey, you see that little dot and it’s green, then you go ahead and call. More often than not I'm here, and on the chance I’m not then I’m just in the bathroom or something. So, how’s it been? You a real cowboy yet? Rustling cattle and having shootouts with tumbleweeds rolling by?”
“Not quite. Jack says we haven’t found the perfect hat for me yet, and you know how that’s the most important thing. And I don’t think theres going to be any tumbleweeds for a while; sky’s almost pitch black from clouds. It should start raining any time, and with how Jack and Julia are prepping, I think it’s gonna last for a while.”
“I can’t remember the last time we had rain like that. Maybe like a month ago it started drizzling but only lasted a couple of minutes. Been nice and cool here; think the hottest it’s gotten was maybe like eighty.” The smile on Bozer’s face shrunk slightly. “How’re you doing? I mean really. You always seem like you’re living your best life whenever we talk, but, it’s like there’s something else there.”
Leave it to Bozer to see something was on his mind. “I’m doing okay. There’s—I dunno, still a lot of stuff going on in my head. Jack and his mom have been great in everything and been more than accommodating and understanding, but after everything that happened… it’s going to take time until I feel normal. Have you heard anything—?”
“No, nothing since the first time. You really think he’ll try to do something?”
“I don’t know. I might just be—”
The house suddenly went dark, Bozer’s face froze on the screen before a message popped up saying the connection had been lost. A shot of terror ran through Mac before a flash and a boom engulf his hearing and vision. He let out a shuttering breath and pulled his phone out. No signal. The storm had definitely taken out the power.
Maybe Bozer could take that moment and add it to a movie.
Mac closed his laptop and went into the kitchen and used what little light there was to rummage through one of the drawers for the flashlight he knew was there. Either way, he found every source of light he could before it actually got dark. When he eventually found it, and a pack of batteries, he placed them on the table and went upstairs to the cupboard to look for anything more.
He pulled out his phone, still no service and only SOS available, but tried to send Jack and Julia messages anyways, saying the power had gone out. He had no hope that they’d actually send, but better to try and it not work than not try at all.
He found two lamps in the cupboard, old looking ones, oil— which Mac noted could’ve actually just been put away decorations that had no real ability to give off any sort of light. But still, he took them and a few blankets downstairs.
The whole situation reminded him of a night at Bozer’s, when they were both young and wanted to go camping. Loretta and Milton couldn’t very well pack everything on a moments notice and head out with them, so they did the next best thing; transformed their living room into a makeshift campsite. They hung blankets and sheets wherever they could, made a tent out of cushions, even started a fire in the fireplace for them. He remembered the two of them staying up nearly all night just talking about things and having fun, before being woken up in the morning because their tent had collapsed on them.
He didn’t know what else to do besides get the few things settled downstairs. He couldn’t exactly heat up food to have it waiting for Jack and Julia when they got back, couldn’t give them a heads up, couldn’t watch TV or browse his computer. Nothing really besides sit in the ever darkening house and just wait. It was times like that that actually made him antsy. Mac hated waiting, hated not doing anything. He always had to have his hands busy, or be up and about. Just sitting was near torture.
Luckily, he didn’t have to wait too long. He heard a truck pull up and went outside to greet Jack, who was coated from the waist down in a layer of mud.
“Do I want to know?”
Jack snorted. “Hey, you should see the other guys. I’m clean compared to them. You sleep well?”
“Yeah… why didn’t you wake me up? I haven’t slept that late in a long time.”
“Exactly why I didn’t wake ya. I know yer still on army time, mostly, and it’s screwin’ up yer head. ‘Sides, you work too hard. Yer allowed to just take days and be lazy— sleep until noon, hell sleep all day if you want. No one’s got any issue with it.”
“Work too hard.” Mac scoffed. “I do dishes and take the trash out. That’s chores an eight year old does.”
“All work ain’t just physical.” Jack nudged him before heading inside. “You just wake up? Keepin’ the house dark for a secret project or somethin’?”
“I wish. The power went out about an hour ago, so did cell coverage. I tried to give you and your mom a heads up but I’ve got no service.”
“Makes sense. Looks like I’ll be bathin’ in the dark.” He shoed off his muddy boots and tossed them outside. “You wanna run out to the shed? Should be some wood out there we can have for the fireplace so we can actually eat hot food.”
“Yeah, I’ll do that. How long do you think the storm will last? Have to say, rain is kind of out of my area of expertise.”
“Couple of days probably. Last time it was like this, we more or less kinda got trapped inside with how it flooded. I say last time but really it was years ago before I joined up again. Hopefully it won’t go full typhoon on us, and that the power will come back on, but givin’ the situation, I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
“I’ll bring in a good amount of wood then.”
Mac slipped on his shoes and jacket and headed out to the shed as Jack made his way upstairs. It hadn’t started raining yet, but there was no doubt if Mac didn’t hurry then he’d get caught in the initial downpour.
There was a good amount of wood sitting on the shelves, strategically keeping them off the ground incase of any flooding which Mac was sure would most likely happen in the coming days. He grabbed the rope from the hook it was hanging on and laid it out before starting to lay the wood on top of it. He tried to get an equal amount of both large and small pieces, dodging spiders and splinters as he did so. Once he piled the first bunch, he tied it up and laid out the rest of the rope to make a second bundle, all while hearing the small plunks of rain finally starting to fall on the shed roof.
So much for making it before it started to rain.
He grabbed everything he could before heading back outside and to the house, trying his best to keep the wood dry in the not-so-sudden sudden downpour. In the few seconds it took for him to actually get back on the porch, his hair and shirt were thoroughly damp and his shoes had a good amount of mud on them. He toed off his shoes before going inside and set all the wood near the fireplace, and heard a second truck pull up. Julia had only just not beat the rain.
So once again, he threw on his shoes and grabbed an umbrella, heading outside to meet her. She was sat in the truck, telling him there were a few bags to bring in, asking him to grab them first and she’d be the last thing.
“Haven’t had a good storm like this in a while.” Julia said as they walked through the door. “Everyone’s nervous because of how dry it’s been, and I know I don’t have to tell you but that’s a mean recipe for flooding.”
“Yeah, I can only guess how it’s going to turn out.” Mac shook the umbrella outside to get the excess water off. “When was the last time the power went out with it?”
“That’s going to cause a bit of a problem, isn’t it? Good thing there’s a big old container of candles upstairs somewhere. Oh and I see you found the lamps and flashlights, and theres wood for a fire. You think of everythin’.”
“I actually didn’t know of the lamps were decorations or not. It’s been a while since I’ve seen oil ones.”
“They’re decoration and practical use. Haven’t used them that often but they’re good in a pinch, probably whenever the batteries from the flashlights die. Hopefully the power will be back on before then. Now, where’s that son of mine?”
“Showering. He was caked in mud when he got back.”
“Some things never change.” Julia sighed good naturedly. “Why don’t you get a fire going? It’s not cold now but if this storm’s as bad as they said it’s gonna be, then it’s gonna get cold real fast. I’ll go dig through all the old stuff and see if I can find any games or something entertaining to pass the time.”.
***
“Alright, I’ll call— flush.”
“Beats me, two pairs.”
Both heads turned to Mac. “Whatcha got, kid?”
“Straight…”
“Oh yeah, come to papa.” Jack grabbed the bowl of pretzels, peanuts, and jerky, pulling towards him, only to be stopped my Mac.
“—flush.” Mac threw his cards down and pulled the bowl from Jack’s grip. “Sorry Jack. You should’ve never shown me how to play poker.”
“That’s the forth game you’ve won in a row! I thought we declared a no super computer brain rule before we started! And you said you’d never use it against me when we were in the sandbox.”
“In all fairness, I wasn’t counting cards this round. It was just pure chance.” Mac popped a pretzel in his mouth. “Besides, these things have peanut butter in them. You think I’m going to let you win when those are the stakes?”
Julia snorted. “He’s got you there, Jack. I think that’s plenty of reason to do everything in your power to win.” She winked at Mac. “But I suppose that’s all for me. Think I’m gonna turn in for the night. I’ll see you both in the morning.”
“Night mama.” Jack said, taking all the cards on the table and shuffling them. “Whatddya say, up for another round?”
“Nah. I think I’m tapped out of card games for a while.” Mac leaned back in his chair, listening to the rain pounding on the roof and distant yet still loud thunder. “It’s still way too early to hope for the power to come back on, right?”
Jack threw the cards on the table. “Yeah; if we’re super lucky then will get it in the mornin’, but two or three days and it should be back, ‘less this storm is worse than any prior. Why, you doin’ somethin’ important before it cut out?”
“I was talking with Bozer when we lost service,” he snorted, “real ironic subject for it to cut out on too.”
“What were you talkin’ about.”
“My dad.” Despite how long it had been, how safe and loved Mac felt on the ranch, he was still terrified James would show up and ruin everything. “We were kind of saying how he’ll try something to get me back home, and the power cut before we could say anything else, which is actually really funny of I think about it. I’m sure Bozer probably had a good laugh about it too, after a slight panic, then realizing it was the storm.”
“That is pretty funny— very movie-esque.”
“Not gonna lie, I did have a thought of him just appearing behind me somehow. Wouldn’t be the first time he materialized out of thin air and unnecessarily tried to enter my life again.”
“You never found out how he found you in the army, did ya?”
Mac shrugged, eyes watching the fire burn away. “Didn’t really look into it in all honesty. I asked Colonel Roades if he had any idea a few days after my dad was there, but he was as much in the dark as I was, saying how the matter was out of his hands and he was just told there was an important person that needed to see me.”
“You said yer dad was CEO of a company or somethin’, right? Coulda hired a PI or somethin’ to track you down, or somethin’ as simple as lookin’ at yer phone records or IP address to see where the signal was comin’ from. Seein’ you were overseas and doin’ diggin’ to see why. Service records ain’t exactly private if you know the correct terminology and where to search, and with yer grandpa bein’ a member of the military, I think it’s safe to say yer dad probably knew how and where to look.”
“Yeah… but that doesn’t explain how he was able to actually get there. It was hard enough to get a weekend pass out of the state. I can’t imagine what he would have to do or what strings would’ve had to get pulled to actually get him there.”
“You know, I still got some strings I can pull if needs be. Got my buddies still enlisted and people that owe me favors I can call in. I can have them look into it if you want.”
A very slight smile appeared on Mac’s face. “No, it’s okay. I’ve already spent too much of my life thinking about him and consequences. I’d rather just bury the whole thing— forget anything happened… go back to earlier years where I didn’t hear from him and just assumed he was dead.”
A silence hung between them, not uncomfortable. It felt— needed. It was like a step in the direction of Mac healing. Admitting he spent a lot of time thinking about his father and what would happen if they reunited, was good. Whenever Mac spoke of James, it was always in a negative connotation, and that time was no different, but practically saying he was done thinking about it was a huge step in the right direction.
“I ain’t gonna pretend I know what that feeling is, but I think it’s good yer talkin’ about it. Ain’t no use in bottlin’ it all up, and if you wanna forget it, we’ll forget it. No use in worryin’ about the past; can only look towards the future.” Jack gestured to one of the windows. “And it looks like it’s gonna be all rainy and stormy and probably flooded for a little while, so we might as well get a raft and see where it takes us. Hopefully down the road a bit; Ms. Kursha a couple dozen fruit trees she used to let me pick off of and mama would make desserts out of them.”
Mac snorted slightly. Jack always had a way to make things seem better, especially in dark times; literally and figuratively. Mac could think back and pick out the instances where he was at his lowest, forgoing anything that pertained to his well being, and Jack was right there with him; speaking in low serious tones to help him figure out what to do, or getting angry on his behalf on what drove him to think like that.
Mac felt like he was drifting in the vastness of the ocean, with nothing but a deep chasm underneath, beckoning him to just sink and be lost to it like so many before.
And then Jack showed up, and continued to show up every time after before he became a constant thing for Mac to latch on to. Jack had first arrived on various boats and ships, throwing Mac a lines and floatation devices to reel him in and keep him afloat. Then he was a buoy; always there, always for Mac to grab hold. And in the cases where Mac had drifted too far, Jack threw out lines and preservers to keep him from floating too far and sinking.
“I’m gonna go ahead and turn in. Rain always did this weird thing to me. You comin’?”
That time, Jack was sitting on the buoy, holding Mac’s line and letting him drift, making sure he didn’t go far, or under.
“Nah. I think I’m going to stay down here for a little while longer; enjoy the fire until it completely goes out.”
“Alright, suit yerself. I’ll see you in the mornin’ .”
Mac watched as Jack got up and made his way upstairs, the gentle thumping of his feet filling the the vast, quiet emptiness, not even being drown out by the fire, or the rain outside. When he heard the click of Jack’s door shutting, he let out a breath. He felt heavy.
Jack was right in saying it was no use worrying about the past. It wasn’t like Mac was able to change it. He couldn’t go back and not enlist, couldn’t live the remaining years he had at MIT. He couldn’t stop his dad from doing what he did. The only thing he could do was wonder about the future, and unfortunately, he could only think about the what ifs that could happen.
Really, there was only one plaguing his mind; what if his father found him.
He knew that what happened while deployed wasn’t even a fraction of what would happen at that point. It was getting close to a full year since that happened, and every so often Mac’s cheek would sting as if reminding him of the incident. He found a wrong sort of comfort from thinking about it, because that was nothing in comparison to what would happen in the future.
Mac stood and cleaned up the table a bit, covering the bowl of snacks to he had in the morning, before moving to the couch and wrapping a blanket loosely on his shoulders. He enjoyed that quiet, needed that quiet; the rain outside and the fire in. He felt safe there, genuinely— an emotion he hasn’t felt in a very long time, and he didn’t want anything to compromise it. When the time came, and Mac knew it unfortunately would, he would do what he needed to protect it, no matter the consequences.
***
Jack didn’t hear Mac the previous night; didn’t hear him go up the stairs or into his room. It wouldn’t be the first time Mac headed up way later than he normally did, but Jack saw something in his posture and how he spoke. The gears in Mac’s head were going on overdrive, and that meant more black clouds than the ones just outside.
He got out of a bed and headed to Mac’s room, knocking gently before heading in. Mac wasn’t in there, and the bed looked unslept in. He didn’t bother trying the light to double check, the small light that was always on in the hall was still dark. He looked through the window just before going down the stairs, dark clouds still covering every inch of what could’ve been blue sky. His watch said the sun should’ve been up an hour ago.
He headed downstairs, eyes looking for any indication of someone else, but his mother wasn’t bustling in getting breakfast ready, and there seemed to be a lump on the couch.
Mac had been there, under two blankets and doing his best not to fall from it.
It was a funny sight, Mac balled up in a corner, it made him look like a child— reminded Jack of several sleepovers he had.
He did his best to stay quiet as he moved to the fireplace, hand going over to feel the just barely still warm ashes. Jack knew that fireplace, knew how long dying fires lasted after their flames had completely gone out. If it was still warm, that meant Mac had stayed awake most of the night to tend to it and had only recently gone to sleep. He knew he saw something that said Mac’s head was working in overdrive.
Jack felt like he’d gotten soft. When they were deployed, he honed in on issues Mac had, confronted him about them, made sure his head was in the right place. He used to be able to stop the problem before it began. Since arriving at the ranch, he stopped doing it; stopped paying extra attention to Mac. It wasn’t like there was any danger, no opposing snipers, no bombs, no other guys that would mess with him. Subconsciously, he must have understood Mac wasn’t inherently always in danger, and stopped paying attention.
He didn’t account for the danger in Mac’s mind.
Not to say that Mac was a danger to himself— never showed signs of being suicidal, passively or not. There were signs of mild depression and paranoia, which Jack never really acknowledged seeing as those were typical side effects of being in the army, and even when he knew something was wrong after the apparently day James had somehow gotten on base, he still didn’t equate it to anything. Hell, nothing about Mac’s mental state ever clicked until that very moment. Sure, he saw when Mac was having difficult times, but that was just to adjusting to civilian life.
Right…?
He wanted to kick himself. Watching over Mac was his job, no matter where.
He slowly took wood from the pile and added it into the fireplace, trying to muffle the sound of lighting a match as to not wake Mac. He could see him shivering. Jack didn’t think it was that cold, but being in front of the fireplace was bound to draw in cold air.
He remembered Mac saying he enjoyed the cold, at leas the little he got in California before leaving. He remembered Mac describing how the cold on the west coast was different from other places, containing a warmth was that couldn’t be found anywhere else, that it changed on where exactly someone was.
“The Bozers took me on a day trip to the mountains to play on the snow, and by the end, we were at the beach eating corn dogs. I don’t know exactly how to explain it when I say it’s a warm cold. It’s more than just a temperature change, but— I guess you just sort of have to experience it for yourself. I mean, the first snow I experienced in Massachusetts and whenever I went to the mountains, theyre just different.”
“Okay, but can you compare Cali heat to this right now? What’s that like?”
“You really don’t want me to list all the differences and similarities.”
He didn’t know what Mac meant by it, and the subject was sort of just forgotten, but anything that contained the Bozers was usually on the positive side of things. Jack wanted to be in the same position as them, wanted to be a reason Mac was happy and enjoying life.
Jack went back to the kitchen after getting the fire going to get an old kettle to prepare for coffee for when Mac and his mother awoke. It was only drizzling at the moment, a brief second for anyone who was awake to run and get some supplies they might’ve missed. He contemplated heading out for some things, but something told him he needed to physically be there when Mac woke up.
It didn’t take long before Julia made her way downstairs.
Jack nearly laughed at her when he saw; robe, hair in a shower cap, a little lantern she was holding.
“You look like a Scooby-Doo character, mama.” He quietly said as he got up and went to her. “Like from the old cartoons; the old ladies who think their house is haunted but it’s really the gardener.”
“You watch your mouth, Jack Wyatt. I most certainly don’t qualify as old lady material yet.” She set the lantern down on the counter, looking through a cupboard. “Mac still asleep?”
Jack gestured to the couch. “Didn’t come up last night and passed out down here. Embers in the fire were just barely warm when I got down here. He’s been having a lot of late nights recently, but he won’t tell me what’s on his mind at all, and I don’t wanna pry if it’s somethin’ he doesn’t wanna talk about, but…”
“You’re just like your daddy, you know.” Julia smiled and put her hand to his cheek. “He was always constantly worried about people around him as well, and went out of his way to help those who needed it. Most of the ranch hands are people that just needed to be shown that someone cared about them, and your daddy was the one to do it. I’m sure he knew mostly everything about their lives before he passed. Mac will talk to you when he’s ready.”
“I don’t think he will, mama. I mean— he’s been a lot more open with stuff—”
“That’s a big step. Even if he’s not talking to you about his immediate problems, talking about any problem in general is progress.”
“He just thinks everythin’ he does is burdenin’ other people, that he’s not allowed to talk about his issues cuz someone else has is worse. I know he’s worried and paranoid ‘bout his dad showin’ up. I just… I don’t know how to calm that or make him believe he doesn’t have to constantly look over his shoulder. The situation is just frustratin’.”
“Do you think that maybe, subconsciously, you’re hurt that he doesn’t feel safe here, despite everythin’ you’re doin’?”
Jack didn’t respond right away, thinking back to all the times similar things had happened. “I’m not— hurt… I guess I could be a little upset over everythin’. Not at him not tellin’ me, but at myself for— not see in’ the signs?”
“Maybe it’s that you’ve spent so much time with him, watching over him, that you know this is one of the things you can’t protect him from.” She rubbed Jack’s shoulder. “You’re used to physical threats, things you can get your hands on and stop, but this is a problem in his mind. This isn’t something you can chase away and shield him from.”
She was right. Jack knew she was right. Mac was so young when Jack met him that he subconsciously took over a protector roll in more of a sense than just being his overwatch. Initially, he didn’t care. Mac was just another guy who joined the army at a young age, someone willing to risk his life for a cause. Jack himself joined right out of high school— Mac had two years of college but was still practically Jack’s age upon joining.
Something changed at one point, before Mac actually told him about everything that happened. Jack didn’t realize that he actually saw flinches at sudden movements, or subtly making himself small when being yelled at, or his ability to disappear if he wanted to.
When Mac actually confided in him about his father, the subconscious feeling turned into a conscious effort. It wasn’t that Mac couldn’t protect himself, sometimes he just needed someone who had his back, and on the occasion that Mac actually needed help, Jack was there.
“The best thing you can do— just be there for him. He knows you’d do anything for him. Maybe it’s just that he doesn’t want to take advantage of your kindness. Lord knows he hasn’t had a lot of it in his life. Now I’m not saying to put your nose in his business, but, perhaps tell him how you feel. You know bottling up emotions isn’t good for anyone involved.”
Jack smiled, having said those very words to Mac. “I know, and I’ve been thinkin’ about it, but part of me feels like he’s gonna think he has to spill everythin’ to— appease me, and I don’t want that.”
“You need to specify you’re there if he wants to talk, not that he needs to. Though… if the situation gets bad, you might— need to push him so he will. Do you remember when your sister and I had blown up at each other during the school year? How she had been snappy and short with everyone for a few days prior, and when I asked what was wrong that morning, she started yelling? The problem turned out to be something completely different than what I thought. I’m not saying that’s what will happen with you and him, but sometimes, a little push is what you need to start the ending of the problem.”
***
It was a soft glow and slow radiating warmth that woke Mac, a blurry, barely lit fire in front of him in the fireplace. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but was glad he woke up. He knew the dangers of leaving a fire unattended and didn’t want to think what could’ve happened if the fire got any bigger than it currently was, though— he was fairly certain when he finally got comfortable on the couch that the fire was reduced to a mere smolder. No harm done at that point at least.
He stripped off the blankets he had, a rough chill running through him, and slowly got off the couch and crouched in front of the fireplace. He didn’t exactly know how to put out a fire in the fireplace; the Bozer’s was gas, so turning a nob did the trick, and while in the wilderness, splashing water on it or even smothering it in dirt would do. Both those options would just create a mess and make it more difficult to light later the next day. Maybe if he just took some of the wood out that hadn’t caught fire yet—
“Whoa, stow yer roll there, bud.” He would’ve been lying if he said Jack’s hand grabbing his arm didn’t startle him. “What’re you doin’?”
He didn’t know Jack was still down there. Maybe he just forgot something. “Need t’put the fire out so it doesn’t get outta control.” He didn’t care that he was slurring his words, he just woke up to stop a possible disaster and was planning on going right back to sleep. “Shouldn’t’ve fallen asleep, sorry.”
“It’s okay. You need it.” Jack ushered him back to the couch. “You go ahead and tucker right out. I can watch the fire.”
“You need sleep too.”
“I can stay up with this for a while; wouldn’t be the first time we kept it goin’ all night neither. Nothin’s ever happened before, and it ain’t gonna now.”
“Can’t be too careful.”
“Don’t need to tell me. I’m Mr. Careful Careful, remember?”
A smile graced Mac’s face as he laid back down. He didn’t know how long it took for him to fall back asleep, but it felt like seconds before he was awake again, that time certain it was day despite the dark clouds. His eyes found the fire, small flames licking the bottom of a tall kettle that had steam slowly flowing from the spout. He took a deep breath and pushed himself up, noting Jack sitting on the nearby recliner reading a book.
“Hey.” Jack closed the book upon seeing Mac wake. “How’d you sleep?”
“Good, really good actually. What time is it?”
“Almost noon. That couch always seems to make time run different.”
Mac’s brow furrowed. He hadn’t slept that late in years. “Why didn’t you wake me?”
“For you to do what? It’s stormin’ outside, and the power’s still out. Nothin’ to do. Might barely have a signal for yer phone if you wanna try that.”
“Still… and I made you deal with the fire all night when I fell asleep. You’re probably tired.”
Jack sighed, setting the book down. “That wasn’t last night, that was a couple of hours ago, just after sunrise. I came down, found ya all bundled up and shiverin’, and I lit a new one, though feelin’ the warmth from the ashes— I knew you barely conked out, and I wasn’t about to let ya try and function on barely any sleep.”
“I would’ve been fine.”
“Look…I—” Jack hesitated. “Are you doin’ okay?”
Mac looked at him, brow raised slightly. “Yeah…? Are you okay?”
“C’mon now, we’ve been together for damn near two years. You think I can’t see when somethin’s botherin’ you? The late nights, sleepin’ in, isolation— you ain’t even been messin’ with stuff in the barn as much anymore. You don’t gotta tell me if you don’t wanna, but, I’m here if you wanna talk about anythin’.”
Trust Jack to zero in on whatever Mac was feeling. Mac himself didn’t even know what he was feeling. The changes in his routine seemed to have a routine of their own. Every few months he just felt off for at least a week at a time, and every time he felt horrible for making Jack and his mother worry. The thing was, he didn’t know what he was upset about, didn’t know if upset was the right word to even use. He just felt— wrong.
“Yeah… I know. In all honesty, I don’t know what’s wrong. I just feel off sometimes. At first I thought it was some sort of PTSD from the army, then assumed it had something to do with my dad, but… I just don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m burnt out but I need to constantly be doing something, then I get stuck and— just end up sleeping or wasting the day doing nothing. I don’t know what causes it or how to prevent it.” A defeated huff echoed in the room. “Sorry, I know dealing with me is a burden normally, then I get like that—”
“Nuh uh.” Jack cut him off. “You ain’t a burden. You ain’t ever been a burden. You feel off some days? That’s fine. That’s normal. No one ever feels a hundred percent all the time. Yer allowed to take days for yerself and just not do anythin’. From what I’ve gather and what you’ve told me, it seems like you’ve basically been goin’ full throttle yer whole life, only slowin’ down when you had to, and sometimes not even then. And— I need to apologize to you for that. Ever since I got home, my focus has been on other things, and I haven’t been catchin’ on to you feelin’ like you do until yer already deep into it, or mama points somethin’ out. I feel terrible ‘bout it, and angry at myself for not seein’ it sooner so I can help you through it.”
“You should be able to do other things without worrying what happens to me. I shouldn’t be your main priority anymore.”
“You’ve been my main priority ever since we met, and ain’t nothin’s gonna change that. This place— I love it and I’ve missed it, but if you wanted to up and go somewhere else, I’d be right there with ya.”
“I’d never expect, or even ask you to leave your home, or your mom. I wouldn’t want you to have to choose.”
“I wouldn’t have to; I’d go with you.”
“Jack…”
“It’d be sad, sure, but my home will always be here. Mama will always be here. This place is always gonna be somethin’ we can return to if we end up not likin’ what’s out there. Simple as that. Not like mama would ban us from coming back if we wanted to take off for a while. If it was like that, then I’d’ve had no place to go after the army.” He leaned forward. “Look, me and mama, we want you to feel like you belong here, that yer wanted here, that yer safe here. I know yer old man has been on yer mind, and— this does not reflect on you at all— I feel real shitty for not seein’ it sooner; not noticin’ that yer almost always on edge, like yer old man’s gonna jump out at ya. So, right now, from this moment on, I need you to know that I’ll do everythin’ in my power to keep you safe, and keep him away from you if that’s what you want. And if you wanna talk about it, or anythin’, all you gotta do is ask.”
Mac just sat, avoiding Jack’s gaze. It was something he’d learned he couldn’t handle. Jack always looked so sincere— so genuine and caring. The emotions on his face were the ones he was trying to portray and not ones used to manipulate. There were times when they were hidden with a blank expression, but the smile he threw around was always real.
He wanted to tell Jack everything he was feeling, everything he did and didn’t want to do, everything that happened in his life leading up to them meeting. And the worst thing was, he knew Jack would sit and listen. He would nod along without making comments, without motioning for Mac to hurry along or shut up completely. He’d sit for as long as it took for Mac to tell what he wanted.
And Mac couldn’t do that to him. He valued their friendship too much for burden him with his own burden. Jack already knew part of everything and that seemed like too much. Dealing with him on a daily basis was already too much.
“I know.” His voice was small, quiet. If Jack wasn’t sitting as close as he was, he probably wouldn’t have heard it. “I’m… I know.”
Jack vacated his spot on the recliner, settling himself next to Mac on the couch, a hand going to the back of his neck comfortingly. “Yer gonna be okay Mac. I’m right here with ya.”