Work Text:
Jaehyun blinks the water out of his eyes, the sound of pitter pattering of raindrops hitting pavement fills the cold evening air of Seoul. Their anniversary was just around the corner, twenty eighth September. Jaehyun discovered the ring yesterday when he was cleaning the closet. Taeyong has always been bad at hiding things, Jaehyun is surprised it took him this long to discover it but again he has been avoiding touching anything in that closet for a while. The thunder rumbles loudly, snapping Jaehyun out of his musing, quickly opening his umbrella, he descends into Seoul’s drenched streets walking to where his beloved rested.
They met during one of Johnny’s parties in sophomore year. Taeyong was all lithe limbs, small waist, pink hair and big doe eyes that made Jaehyun immediately enthralled. What followed can only be described as fairy tales, too good to be true yet it was indeed true even if only for a short while. But then as all fairy tales do, everything must come to an end, except instead of a happily ever after theirs came in form of a shattering cancer diagnosis, a grueling rounds chemotherapy, of sleepless nights filled with snot, vomit and tears and a raspy pleas of I can’t, please don’t make me go through it anymore, Jaehyun please and in the end it was wet ground with people dressed in blacks hiding their muffled cries behind silk handkerchiefs and Jaehyun standing with hollow cheeks and red rimmed eyes as they lowered the love of his life to the ground. But that was a year ago, Taeyong’s mom still visits the graveyard but not everyday anymore, the ground is clean of any weeds and there’s fresh flowers everyday Jaehyun makes sure of that. On Monday it’s baby breath’s, Tuesday’s hydrangea, on Wednesday it’s forget me nots, Thursday it’s pink camillia that makes Jaehyun reminisces of Taeyong’s hair a lifetime ago, a red tulip on Friday, a white yarrow on Saturday and finally a lily of the valley, Taeyong’s favorite flower on Sunday. Today is Monday, Jaehyun walks with his umbrella to the graveyard, baby’s breath secured in his arms as the rain continues to pour mercilessly. Taeyong’s graveyard is located upwards near the trees where the sun doesn’t beat as harshly and the wind blows gently always, Jaehyun puts the bouquet of baby’s breath gently next to the white lily he placed yesterday.
“Hi, hyung. I’m sorry I’m late today, work has been busy, you know how it is this time of the year.”
There’s no sound but the rain and the croaking of the frogs from the nearby pond.
“I found the ring yesterday. It was beautiful. I really like the engravement you put inside.” Jaehyun looks at his ring finger, the simple platinum band looks innocuous, Jaehyun rubs his thumb on it.
“I wonder how you come across that phrase, I never pegged you as a romantic, Hyung.” Jaehyun laughs, a fond memory surfaces of Taeyong reading one of Jaehyun poetry books face scrunching in disgust at the utter nonsense he was reading. The memory fades as soon as it comes leaving Jaehyun choking on his breath as tears roll down his cheeks.
“I missed you so much, hyung.” He sobs. The graveyard is empty, the rain continues to pour and Jaehyun sobs as his sorrow strangles his throat, longing fills his chest and not for the first time he wishes it was him who was buried on that ground, not Taeyong, beautiful, vibrant Taeyong whose presence is larger than life, who brought colors to Jaehyun’s life before he was cruelly ripped away leaving a trail bleeding grey on his wake.
“Sooyung-noona also came by today. She dropped off some kimchi and banchan ahjumma made. She said she can’t visit because she promised to take the kids to lotte world.” He continues to talk, filling Taeyong on his day, how his new intern Jeno finally stops tip-toeing around him and that they had lunch together.
He stays there for hours, feet numb and shivering with chills seeping to his bones yet he can’t find the strength to move, can’t stand the thought of going back to a silent apartment, to an empty bed, to a life that he doesn’t know how to live anymore. But he never tells Taeyong any of it, he doesn’t want Taeyong to worry about him. He did that enough, now Jaehyun just wants him to rest, finally free from all the pain. Yet how do you recover from a wound that won’t close? When it bleeds still, when his heart longs still for what’s already long gone. There are days when Jaehyun feels normal, where he goes drinking with his coworkers, where he visits Taeyong and leaves with no tears and only a bittersweet smile on his face. Yet there’s also days like today where the longing is so strong, how he’s so scared that he’d won’t be able to let Taeyong go, they say time heals all wounds yet no matter how much time has passed the pain never seems to cease. How he wished he could hold Taeyong just one more time, feel him in his arms, see his smile, hear his laughter just once more. And it’s these thoughts that leaves Jaehyun paralyzed, knees sinking to the wet ground as he hugs himself, shivering and gasping for breath as his chest heaves.
The rain continues to pour, the damp chill air is his only companion as Jaehyun draws a shuddering breath. Bracing himself against the wet ground, he stands up brushing tears out of his eyes as he gazes into the headstone
In loving memory of a beloved son and brother
Lee Taeyong
1 July 1995 - 28 September 2021
Death is nothing but a separation, and when the time comes we shall be reunited once more in heaven’s hall
Forever in our hearts may you rest in peace
The rain slows down to a drizzle, the sky is completely dark with no stars in sight.
“See you tomorrow, Hyung.” Jaehyun whispers as he gathers his umbrella and the bouquet of wilting white lily to his arms. With one last lingering look he walks away.
After all, what is grief if not love persevering?