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Static. Everything was static. It was so loud, his vision glitched in and out. He didn’t even realize he was bleeding and hyperventilating until he felt a cold hand on his shoulder. Blood cascaded down his arms as he involuntarily choked out a sob. How many more times would this happen? How many more times would he let himself get attached, to trust, just to lose it all, all over again. He sobbed again, without intention to, as he turned around with widened eyes. The blade in his hand clashing to the ground. “McQueen—“ He winced at the way his voice cracked. “I’m so sorry you had- have to see like this. It’s pathetic, I know, it’s all my fault anyway—“ He was cut off by McQueen wrapping his arms tightly around him. “Shh.. it’s okay, you’re okay, I promise.” Fipp sobbed again. Choking on his own tears.
“I don’t feel okay though…” He sniffled, rubbing his eyes. Was crying always this damn embarrassing? God, what was wrong with him?! A lot, but that wasn’t the point. Why was McQueen wasting his time on this? McQueen hummed quietly, his voice on the lower side of his tambour. He let go and sat him down. “And it’s okay to not feel okay, but you have so much strength inside of you, I just know it, I mean, you’ve made it this far haven’t you?” He nodded meekly before sniffling. He hated how weak he was right now. How dramatic he was right now. People have it worse in the world. Like the one that have died in the drought. Or those executed to Urinetown. Or the poor that struggle to pay to pee day to day.
Regardless. “I’m sorry, I’m overreacting, I mean, two years just doesn’t matter to some people.” He hated how pathetic he sounded. “Two years? What’s going on— that was when you were promoted to senator. Under my and Cladwell’s guise that is.” McQueen had Fipp hold out his arms. Droplets still dropping down his arms. “It’s.. Millenium.” He shook as he said her name. Every little reminder of her burned, his throat closing up and tightening. McQueen raised a brow, clearly confused. “Aren’t you two best friends? I mean it’s been a minute since I’ve actually seen the two of you hangout, but I didn’t think anything worthy of fighting about was going on. You haven’t seemed too stressed. Not much more than you usually do at least.” Fipp teared up. Admitting this to someone, means admitting it to himself as well.
“She stopped being friends with me. At least that’s what I assume so anyways. I kept reaching out, begging to hear that our friendship is okay- I mean I have terrible attachment issues and I’ve been trying to work on myself. Easier said than done in this world we’re living in. She never responded, I kept asking Pennywise about it, and after a lot of begging through text, she just- just- lashed out me! Saying it was all my fault and to reflect on myself without even telling me what to reflect on! It made no sense, and it is completely unfair.” McQueen stood up and grabbed a first aid kit. It had to be used, along with the suture kit, Fipp really fucked up his arms. But now wasn’t the time to lecture the man in crisis.
He took Fipp’s closest arm (the left) and adjusted it as he aligned the sutures and needle. “This will hurt.” He pauses to grab an alcohol wipe to clean the bleeding wounds. Frowning as Fipp hissed in pain. Knowing the harder part was yet to come. He picked the needle back up, and started sewing the wounds shut as Fipp bit his lip to keep himself from crying more than he was already. They didn’t exactly have a good supply of local anesthesia. But the pain helped, it grounded him. “You’re doing so good, keep breathing, I’m almost done with the last one.” He cooed as he tied the thread into a knot and covered the wound with non-stick gauze. Fipp breathed shakily, gripping his free arm tight. He winced at the voice crack that left his lips and he choked out another sob.
“I can’t help but think, if I wasn’t good enough for Millenium to stay by my side, stay my best friend, stay in general, then, maybe I would be in the next life. Maybe if she saw me bleeding out and dying, I’d finally have sacrificed enough.” McQueen’s eyes widened in horror, his grip on Fipp’s arm unintentionally tightening as he instinctively kept himself from being able to do anything that would be going along with those thoughts. “That’s not true.” He hurriedly said, not even thinking, not even regretting it because he knew that what Fipp said was actual bullshit. “Isn’t it? If people keep leaving, if I’m not good enough for her to stay by my side, if she can break every single promise she makes me, if she can lie about loving me, about me being her favorite platonic person. Then what’s stopping you? What’s stopping you from leaving me?”
…
“Nothing.”
…
“Then why are you still here? You don’t gain anything out of it.” He was sobbing again. Tears running down his face. He felt humiliated and helpless. Regardless. McQueen grabbed him by the side and hugged him tightly. “I stay because I want to, because I care, because you matter a hell of a lot to me even if I don’t say it.” Fipp only cried harder, because, why did no one ever sincerely say that to him? How does he trust those words to be true? “If I tell people I appreciate them, how do I know that they won’t take advantage of me?” He looked up from his bandaged arms and into McQueen’s eyes. “Is this about what I said at the staff party- I know I know, it was a little cheesy to ask people to tell people they appreciate them.” He smiled softly, not taking possible offense. “No. It wasn’t. I’m just- scared. Scared of being used again.”
”I won’t.” Fipp looked confused, raising a brow. “You won’t what?” He instinctually holds onto his grip like he’ll tear away. “I won’t use you. I won’t take advantage of you. I mean, you don’t have to but, if you wanted, it’s safe just to tell me, I’m not going anywhere.” He offers, trying to support his ongoing struggle of the day and whatever has been happening before that. “I know. Deep down I know, even if I can’t convince myself that. And when you said that, you were who came to mind. Who I wanted to thank.” He smiled back, a glint of fondness showing through his gaze. “Thank you” He stepped back but stayed close. “For what?” He cocked his head to the side. “For being someone I can confide in, rely on.” The same amount of appreciation and fondness beamed back at him. Fipp walked back over and hugged him by the side. “Anytime.”
Fipp paused before he continued. “You matter more to me than you’ll ever know. It’s hard to think anyone would miss me if I were ever gone.” McQueen didn’t even think of what he’d say, he just had to shut down that very idea. “I’d never recover, if you can’t stay alive for yourself, stay alive for me, and Cladwell too. Between you and me, you might be his favorite.” Fipp rolled his eyes as he wiped the tears from his face. “Okay, I’ll try.” He sniffled but smiled. “If you get the slightest thought, get me, or call me, even if it’s during a meeting or other bad time.” He put a hand on his shoulder. “Of course, you do the same, please, I can’t lose you.” His gaze softened as he looked to McQueen. “Thank you, though, I’m not going anywhere. And I’m so proud of all you’ve gone through and survived. Keep surviving with me, you matter more than you know.”
“As do you.”