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I have had lots of dreams lately. Quite mundane but oddly funny ones.
I was hanging out with my friend group in senior high, then somehow, I had to leave them to study for a test that I was at risk of failing. It felt terrifying, maybe I was gonna fail and disappoint someone.
But then someone was with me. A friend perhaps, maybe two for four. It was all quite unclear, like most dreams.
I was chatting with them, making banters. I can almost make out their faces. It felt somewhat scary and frustrating to scramble around, finding words for the conversation.
Yet it was oddly gratifying.
The discussion was getting more interesting. It was almost like my jokes were making people laugh and my story was connecting to their hearts. I tried harder to make out my friends’ faces. Was their smile genuine? Did they really see me?
I think I tried a little too hard since the dream was getting rather lucid. I could call out their names now and observe their faces clearly. But then I realised I could control their faces’ features and expressions.
A part of me realised I was asleep, yet I wanted to see… their faces. Satsuki, Kaho, Ajisai… Mai. They looked much too mature for high school students.
I wanted them to like me and pamper me. And they did exactly that in my half-dream.
I wish I had this sort of dream everyday.
Instead I woke up in a room. Barely lightened by the slanted sun ray from the half-curtained window. This might be the first time in a while that I woke up and noticed the sun’s unbearable intrusion.
Particles of dust were dancing like moths attracted by the gleams of fire. The piece of convenient meal package and a collection of energy drinks remnants of my previous meal was sitting too comfortably on my table. Scattered on the floor I could see some cans, clothing, cutleries, delivery boxes opened and sealed.
I wonder why I cannot save and load like a video game. I would really have preferred to select a different character, just a little change of pace.
I stood myself up as quickly as a neet could and escaped my room.
Something rustled in the hallway. A silhouette. A tinge of the warm sun in the dimly lit space. It was Oozuka Mai.
My mind flashed back to the image of Mai in my dream, brimming with light and love, and all the confidence in the world. I had not looked at her face for some while; and in that instant I craved the hypnotic sensation to let her existence engulf me, banishing all other emotions.
My eyes trace up her body to find her expression.
But instead of the fearless composed smile, I found a blank face, with the rigidity and awkwardness of a robber caught sneaking around by the homeowner.
“R-Renako… you are up… early today…”
The timid line, barely audible, drove me crazy. My face burned. My heart dropped down to my stomach. I did not want her to look at me, or myself to look at her.
My gaze drooped down to my hand.
My hand was empty. The palm had a necrotic pale white colour. Quite the useless fingers and nails, how ugly they all were.
“Sorry…” - Whispered I, as my back turned to her. My hand was numb.
“Wait Renako!”
I pretended not to hear and pressed forward to my room. But a pair of arms wrapped around my torso.
“Wait Renako… I want to talk… please.”
“…”
“Do you want to go out for breakfast today? Let's hang out once in a while, yes?”
“…”
“If that’s no good how about tonight? Or tomorrow? I want to be with you for just a little while Renako…”
I kept silent. I did not face her, yet I could see her pleading eyes. Her warmth was pressed on my back, heavier and hotter than I could bear.
My mind nagged me to escape this unpleasant situation. Escape… where do I escape to… My gaze fixed on the door to my room. Seeing beyond it the sickly monitor glow and the hazy walls of my bed and screens. My heart pulsed in my skull.
My steps were shaken. The blood circulation barely reached my feet. I felt like falling onto the floor and started bawling.
Why would I be bawling? If someone should cry it would be Mai who kept having to walk on eggshells around an useless person in her own house, who cannot even mumble a response to the most basic of questions.
Since when had I been this mute. Did I not promise to myself to talk to others, and make connections as a human? Was I not able to blurt my mind out and make friends with the Supadori… All the scattered images of high school came back to me. It filled me with guilt. I deceived Mai.
Even though I thought I tried my best, it was nothing. Of no consequences. I could not make it right. Now Mai is stuck with someone like me in the house. She can’t even walk in her own corridor with peace of mind to go to work.
Then I felt the arms on me moving.
Was she giving up on me? Fear, cold and condemning, crept up my spine.
“Um… I…”
“Yes? Will you… allow me my selfish request?”
“I can… I think. I also… um tomorrow… I mean I can tonight…”
“Truly? Then I will make a reservation at… No… we will walk to some nearby restaurant. How does that sound?”
“… Yes”
“Okay thank you Renako. I will be home early today. I am really looking forward to it.”
“Mhmmm.”
I felt her arms squeezed around me. They lingered for some more, tightening. Then at last, a faint whisper. “See you soon, Renako.”
Then a few more moments passed before her arms finally released me.
…
Lumbering back in my room, a vague feeling of vitality returned to me.
I am not yet lost. I can go out for dinner with Mai. Or can I? - What could go wrong? Lots of things could, actually. I wouldn’t know what to do if I saw someone I once knew. Just the vision of the astonished faces from high school classmates choked me. More importantly, Mai might be bored of me for real this time. She might look at me truly for what I’m worth and throw me out.
No she wouldn’t. Stop accusing Mai. I was the one who deserted her.
I flopped on my bed cushion like a dead fish. What should I do? My eyes scanned my room. The stifling space with debris lying around looked like a hundred thousand obstacles to my every step.
I promised. I told Mai I would dine with her. Would I not be able to accomplish such a simple task?
My heartbeats started to quicken. I stood myself up. I picked up a can on the floor. Threw my T-shirt into the laundry basket. Gathered a few empty snack packs and stuffed them in the bin.
When the room looked somewhat presentable, I sat down again. I would do one thing right. Even if it was only just one.
I opened my dusty closet. Some of the clothing had been sitting there for ages. I looked at one, then picked the other. Then decided on one that I got a compliment on before. Then I thought about how it was supposed to be just a casual dinner out at a nearby restaurant.
…
Feeling prepared at last, I flopped on the bed again. Once again I was worried. Doubts about how people, how Mai would think. I had not properly talked to Mai or anyone for some weeks.
My mind wandered back to Mai, from the dream I had earlier. Our high school, how nice it was. And I was excited, we would be reconciled. I would be flailing around again like I did in high school. The insolent courage to walk up to Mai again and ask her to be my friend. Living a life again.
I kept thinking till I was too tired and fell asleep. In my dream I thought I kept on debating with myself.
When I woke up, my phone screen was showing 1:04 AM.
I checked again. The time went to 1:05. Beneath it were some notifications. Missed calls and text messages.
My veins felt cold. I dug my face back into the pillow.
This is not real - I thought.
But the messy rhythm of my heartbeats was proof against me. I pinched my cheek, trying to delude myself that I was still dreaming.
It hurt a bit. I put my whole strength into my fingers, pinching harder, pulling, until the pain went numb and my grip was shaking. Still not enough.
I shoved myself away from the bed. My legs did not seem to heed my will very well.
I wanted to kick the wall. But I didn’t want to make a racket. I settled for pressing my forehead against the cool wood of the door instead. It produced a series of small, pathetic thuds to the beat of my movements.
I hugged the door for some time. Then suddenly filled with the desire to run, I went out to the corridor.
The light in the living room was on, brightly piercing my sight. Blindedly I walked into it.
Oozuka Mai was lying on the sofa. Her eyes seemed stuck onto the ceiling. Her golden locks scattered on the cushion. The cold and staleness of the hour surrounded her, yet a warm radiance seemed to cling to her form. Some fire was sputtering in my chest.
Before I could understand her presence, Mai noticed me.
She quickly wiped her face with her sleeves, pushed her body upright. The corners of her blue eyes looked reddened under the harsh lights.
Her fashionable blazer was creased and crumpled from lying down on it. Her hands were patting down the wrinkles on her shirt.
“Hi Renako,” she said, her voice hoarse. “Have you not… gone to sleep?”
“Hey… I… uh…”
I took half a step back, but realised it was too late. All in my line of sight was some brown wooden floor and my pajama top.
I could feel Mai’s intense gaze at me, perhaps truly seeing the pathetic entirety of me in that moment.
“I’m sorry.”
“Huh?” - I blurted.
“I should have known you were not comfortable going out for dinner. I should not have pushed you to do this. I… pushed a difficult situation on you. You must have been hurt.”
“Wha-?”
“Don’t worry about it. I will be more careful next t—”
“Wait. Stop, Mai! What are you talking about? I’m completely at fault here. You should be scolding me, hate me, be angry! Why are you speaking as if it’s somehow your responsibility?”
Silence engulfed us again.
She was standing, right arm hugging her body, gripping her left arm. Her face was turned away, directed at the empty wall.
The image of Mai, disappointed, hurt, cold which was looming now materialised before me. I could almost see her figure receding, merging away into the distance, further and further.
It drove my system into action.
“I’m sorry. I know I have… I just…” I blubbered nonsensically. “When I saw you… you were waiting… I thought that I was… happy, I’m sorry. I… I mean I shouldn’t be. I just thought I loved you. I’m sorry.”
I myself did not know what I was saying, but the words kept flowing.
“That is not true either, I did feel annoyed. I wanted to get out of my room, I wanted to hang out with you like the old days too. I should really want to, but when you helped me with a push, I hated it. I almost dislike you, so much. Why are you always being patient with me, taking pity on me? I don't… I honestly don’t deserve… I just don’t understand…
“Sometimes whenever I think back about how we ended up together, on that school roof top. I bet if a sewer rat or a cockroach had fallen across the handrail into your arms, looking at you with pitiful eyes as I did, she would have embraced it as she embraced me then. Maybe even with more love.
“It made me really mad. Whenever I see you look at me with those eyes. Actually I didn’t even dare look at your eyes, but I could just see… I wanted you to throw me out instead, why did you not do just that? Your patience is so stifling I can’t breathe. I hated it.
“And the worst part? The most pathetic part? I knew I could not be without it. The moment you show even an ounce of anger or disgust toward me I wouldn’t know what to do with myself anymore. I feel so relieved whenever I catch a glimpse of you, your unshakable composure and your love, your pity. I was so happy… to see you… sitting there, still having some care for me. I was so relieved and happy. Maybe I’m even happy now that you are angry with me, that I can still make you feel like that. I’m just the worst.”
I tried to swallow. Some air. Nothing. But it would not go down my throat. I could feel my head drooping down, my neck bent, but my vision did not register at all what should be the floor. In fact I didn’t think I could sense anything at all but the same stale cold.
Then I felt my balance go off. A pair of hands were on my back, gently pulling me forward. My forehead met a soft, warm surface.
“I’m sorry too, Renako. I also felt hurt when I thought you hated me now. I guess I’m not that perfect… you always do remind me of that. All that pride, all self-assuredness and I can’t even make you happy. Even though I promised you it would be all right.”
I felt Mai hesitate.
“To be honest with you. I was really angry. I felt betrayed waiting here for hours. But I kept waiting, maybe just for you to see that I am here and how much I sacrificed for you. And when you appeared, I was lashing out too. I meant those words to dismiss you, to hurt you… Guess we are both not that good of a person… ha ha…
“But you are always here. I am always reminded why I love you, your honesty, your words, your emotions, you don’t know how much they mean to me. Thank you Renako, I love you very much.”
I wanted to argue against her, but her warm body kept me shut. The selfish desire to hear her warm words overwhelmed all my other thoughts. I tried with all my might to keep my mouth silent and my eyes from tearing. I should not dare to cry now, what audacity it would be for me to cry on her bosom.
However, as with most things, I was not quite effective and could already feel a cool damp sensation on Mai’s shirt.
After we both calmed down, Mai ordered us both food delivery from a fancy restaurant that somehow still operated during the late hour. It tasted like snots and salt. We then lazed around on the sofa together and talked about our high school.
I was updated on my old schoolmates and how they were doing, asking questions and being surprised with what little information Mai kept around in her mind. My favourite little section was the old memories of our time frolicking together - how I was strong and straight forward during those days. When I heard Mai reminiscing about such recollections I could see the image of me from high school that she loved again, one that deserved my respect and aspiration.
As Mai’s soft voice continued in her melodically nostalgic tone, I felt a warm pressure against my shoulder. I wanted to flinch but did not dare to rock her head. I thought of gently pulling away then decided to hold still, letting her golden strands run freely on pajama and my arm. They pleasantly smelled of flowery shampoo.
We sat like that, even after the momentum of the conversation had died out. I found my head also resting on her. The slow, calming rhythm of her and my breathing seeped into my being, driving the presence of the cold night away almost for good.
By the time I returned to my room, I was filled with a deep sense of ease and contentment. It was almost too comfortable to be of any good for me. I slipped back into my blanket, half exhausted, half having nothing else to do.
But my brain started to act up again. What did all this talk and reconciliation even resolve? Barely anything. I am still a shut-in. Mai would still bear my burdens. I am sure that by tomorrow I would be unable to look at her face again. Even now I feel like I should not look into her eyes. To put my weight and guilt on her again, seduce her with my empty words and emotions. How despicable…
I did not know when my consciousness slipped back to dreaming. In it, I was standing on a balcony next to a staircase. I looked over the handrail. The other end of the staircase was so deep I could not make out the bottom. It looked scary, I thought I would not want to fall. My hand tightened on the handrail. But my eyes kept focusing on the unobservable depth.
Suddenly I could not feel my weight on my feet anymore. I was falling. My heart throbbed. I tried to grab back onto the handrail.
It was so close yet just out of my hand’s reach.
And I kept falling… reaching…
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