Archive of Our Own ^beta

“You’re so getting laid tonight!”, Yunho shouts, excited.

Yeosang grimaces, trying not to think about the possibility.

He shakes his head. “I’m not”, he complains.

“You totally are! He’s been doing all the steps”, Wooyoung nods, “he’s totally taking you back to his place”.

Yeosang fakes a giggle, a nervous laugh to hide the uncomfortable feeling creeping up his chest at the thought that it might be true. He feels like a teenager, reacting like this to the prospect of sex, but he can't help it. He and Yejun have known each other for almost two months, they have been on several dates for now, nothing official yet, but it is going well. Slow, but well. It is Yeosang’s first attempt at dating, so he doesn't want to rush. And with his schedule they don't have too much time to see each other, so they've been getting to know each other slowly but steadily.

But the idea of sex makes him nervous, and not in a good way. What if Yejun has been planning it the whole time? He hasn't even thought about it, but... is that how dates normally go? They haven’t been on too many, so Yeosang hasn’t thought about it, but according to the others, it is enough? Will he suggest it tomorrow? And how will Yeosang refuse? Because he doesn't really feel any desire to sleep with him yet. He has never even considered the possibility, even if he knows it is something expected in a relationship, but he has always thought it would come up later, that by then he would have felt comfortable enough for that.

“Do we need to give you the talk?”

“Like the bee and the flower?”

He isn’t even sure who is talking right now, too lost in his own head to decipher the voices around him.

“No way, stop talking about that!”, San scolds them. His hands fly to cover his ears, protecting him from those bad words he shouldn’t hear.

Because that’s all he his. Innocent, childish, virgin Yeosangie, who doesn’t know anything about sex only because he has never slept with anyone. Who shouldn’t hear his friends talking about it, because his little innocent brain can’t even register these information. And, well, don’t get him wrong, sex talk does make him a bit uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t know how it works or what happens. He has watched porn before, has touched himself too. Even if he has never been with someone, it doesn’t mean he’s a child. But he has never felt that aching need others describe. He has done stuff by himself occasionally, to try at first, then for fun, because sometimes the sensation is nice. But he has never felt the need to do it with someone else. Whenever he tried to imagine himself with someone else... It felt wrong, like he didn’t belong in that scenario. And he has never thought much about it, because he has always thought he will feel different once he meets someone he feels comfortable enough with. So he is a bit tired of his friends acting like he doesn’t know what they are talking about. He does. He just doesn’t want to do it, for now. Exactly because he knows.

“Come on, leave him be. Maybe they’ll do it, maybe not. It’s not a big deal”. Yes, thank you, Jongho.

“It is a big deal, what do you mean? I have to give him stuff and tell him about precautions...”, Wooyoung replies, counting on his fingers. He loves Wooyoung so much, he’s his best friend and he wouldn’t change him for the world. But God, is he annoying, sometimes.

“I don’t need your stuff or... lessons”, Yeosang frowns, shaking his head. He goes to get up, but Yunho speaks again.

“Wait! Maybe not tonight, but you will need it sooner or later...”

“More sooner it seems, with how things have been moving”, Hongjoong smirks. Not him too...

Wooyoung laughs, “Yeah and also... the berries are ripe and all”, he gestures to him up and down and Yeosang wants to disappear right into the floor. “You gotta”, he smirks, nodding, “you know, get on with it”.

And there they are again, those words treating him like he is too old to still be a virgin.

“Like, you like men right? So there’s a whole list of stuff you gotta know before doing it, if you want to have a good time”, Mingi nods, looking very ready to give him said list.

Oh, hell no.

Why is it so hard to understand that he doesn’t want to talk about these things? He knows they aren’t trying to make him uncomfortable, they would never. They’re just trying to help... maybe a bit too much, but it’s always out of affection. But Yeosang has never been good at voicing his discomfort, he’s gotten better at it with his friends, but some things are still a bit hard to talk about for him. Especially since he’s not sure about this thing himself. Not yet...

“Maybe I’m not interested”, he mumbles.

“Ah, maybe now, you just haven’t found the right person or the right moment yet. If Yejun is the right person for you you’ll feel that attraction soon, trust me”, Wooyoung replies.

Will he feel it soon, then? But when? According to them, he should have already felt it, it seems...

“If you really like him, you’ll feel it. It’s like, natural, automatic”, Yunho adds. “You like someone, or fall in love, and sometimes right away, sometimes after a while, sometimes even before the romantic feelings even come, bam!”, he claps his hands once, “you’re horny, you want them. It’s just how it works. ”

But is it how he works? Or isn't Yejun the right person for him? But Yeosang somehow feels that if it has to be someone, it would be him... But he isn't, or is he?

“Don’t worry, give it one time and then you’ll realise what you were missing on”, Wooyoung nods.

Oh, then should he try before deciding he doesn’t want it at all? But Yeosang doesn’t want to give it one time yet, and the more they talk about it, the more he realises that he knows what he’s missing on and he wants to keep missing it... Well, at least for now... But should he tell Yejun? They haven’t been seeing each other for a long time (at least for Yeosang’s standards), but they are talking regularly outside of their dates too... Though, their relationship isn't serious yet... isn't it a bit early? Or not? Is it something that has to be addressed right away? But what if the relationship doesn’t ever become official? It’s no use sharing such information so early on, they are barely starting... But what if it does last and this is a deal breaker for Yejun? Would he lose interest once he realises Yeosang isn’t going to sleep with him? Will he ever want to? Maybe... After becoming much closer... But Yeosang wasn’t even sure about his own feelings up until ten minutes ago... Should he wait and make clarity in his own head first before worrying about this? What if he’s wasting both of their times? Will he ever feel the attraction the others are talking about? What if he isn't the right person for him? But... would there be someone else? Would there be someone that will make him feel it?

Can he feel it at all?

“Ok, enough of this, we should get some dinner”, Seonghwa’s voice interrupts Yeosang’s thoughts, probably sensing the uncomfortable air starting to fall in the room.

Yeosang feels terribly out of place when searching for sexuality advice on the internet as a man in his mid-twenties. This is usually something teenagers do, when discovering themselves. But this is how it goes for him all the time: he is always late, always one step behind everyone else. Other people always seem to get or learn things quicker and better than him, while he has to work twice as hard to reach the same level. He always feels himself struggling to catch up with everyone else, like they all move too fast for him. He is always lagging behind, always understanding something a bit too late, if he even does. Always left clueless because he doesn’t have time to process what happened, everything always going a second too fast. And now too, he feels like at his age, everyone already knows who they are, what they identify as. But not him. Up until yesterday he didn’t even think there was something to search for.

It takes him a while to find the right words to put into the search bar, but he finally manages to hit that search button.

“What does it mean if I don’t want to have sex?”

There aren’t many relevant results. Among the first page there are people asking for advice because their low sex drive doesn’t match their partner’s higher one. Then he sees results like “Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder”, hormonal imbalances and other medical articles talking about how to fix a lack of sexual desire coming from different conditions. Then articles talking about how to fix low desire for sex and physical intimacy. And finally, after a while, an extract from an article:

“Asexuality is a sexual orientation defined by a low or non-existent sexual attraction. It means that you may be romantically and aesthetically attracted to others, but you have little or no desire to be with them sexually”

Yeosang opens the article, reading the first lines and quickly getting interested in the explanations. He never even thought about sexual and romantic orientation possibility being separated, or that purely aesthetic attraction could exist. But it makes sense to him, he doesn't even have to think too much about it.

He reads about the definition of asexuality and some of the different identities that are part of this community. Then he goes back to his browser’s home page, quickly searching: “Asexuality”.

He finds more results now, several definitions of the word (mostly in LGBT+ spaces) articles talking about the biological impossibility of asexuality, blogs deeming it a mere medical condition explainable with a simple hormonal imbalance that can be “cured” and “fixed”. Yeosang doesn’t even open those.

Then, after a bit of scrolling, he find some questions in different forum communities, so he opens one.

“I don’t like sex, I would rather be doing something else whenever I try to do it. I feel like I could go without sex for the rest of my life. Is something wrong with me?”, was the question of the post.

The first answers were agreeing with the question, adding their own feelings of not wanting or enjoying sex, but one of the answers caught Yeosang’s attention: “You might be asexual, there’s nothing wrong with that. Many other people identify as such, it’s a sexual orientation that isn’t talked about so much, but it’s absolutely normal. There’s nothing wrong with you. But if you want to have a partner, I’d suggest looking for someone who also doesn’t want sex, because many allosexual (non-asexual) people need sex in order to have a fulfilling relationship, and you probably wouldn’t be compatible on that front”.

Yeosang doesn’t need to think much about it to realise that they are right. It’s what he thought too, when he first started thinking about this. Will he and Yejun be compatible on that front if Yeosang really is asexual? If he never wants to have sex with him, should they stop seeing each other? Yeosang likes spending time with him, though, he doesn’t want to stop seeing him just because he might not want to have sex with him...

Someone in the comments suggest a community called “Asexual”, so he clicks on the link and reads some of the posts he finds interesting. They mostly talk about their coming out experiences, ask advice on how to tell their partners, or opinions about their sexuality based on their feelings and experiences, and then there are several funny posts that look like some kind of inside jokes for the community.

Yeosang spends a long time looking through all of the questions and answers, and the more he does, the more he realises he shares many feelings with the people in these communities. He realises he too doesn’t feel sexual attraction to people, he never has. Many people in the posts mention doubts about realising they like doing things by themselves, but still not feeling attracted to people, and therefore feeling like they shouldn’t call themselves asexual. Yeosang learns that the two things aren’t connected, that libido and attraction don’t necessarily go together and suddenly he feels better about himself too, even if he hasn’t consciously doubted himself for it yet. The more he reads, the more his minds replies “me too” to those posts. He feels represented by these people he doesn’t even know, like it never happened to him in gay spaces... Is this really who he is? Yeosang feels like it might be.

After scrolling for a while, he doesn’t know if he has less or more questions than before. Maybe because before it was something abstract, that he never considered too much, or put a name to. But now it’s real, it’s heavy, it’s something he knows he will have to mention to his future partners, to his dates too, maybe? To his friends, his family even? Everything suddenly feels so concrete and present. Maybe he thought he could somehow ignore it, earlier, but now that he's put a name to it, that he's seen so many different people talking about it, sharing their life stories and advice about it, like it's a normal – although difficult, for some – part of their life... It isn't so easy to ignore it anymore. And he has a – possible? – partner now, who should know about it, and he doesn’t know how he would react.

Yeosang turns off his phone screen and lays back on the pillows, staring at the wall.

Asexual.

The word does have something about it, that makes it feel somehow right, differently from how he felt about identifying as gay. It always felt like it wasn’t quite right. It surely felt better than calling himself straight, but still it didn’t feel right... And now, it’s the same feeling again, calling himself asexual is... better than identifying as gay... But something is missing, like there’s a huge ball of unaddressed feelings in the back of his mind, that won’t come up...

Yeosang has read and heard about kisses. He never kissed anyone himself, but people talk about it a lot, so whether you want to or not, you’re going to hear about it. Everyone describes it as a wonderful feeling, especially if shared with someone you care for a lot, so he's always looked forward to it, wondering if he would feel the same way. What will the so-called butterflies feel like? Will he feel warm in his chest like they say? Will he feel the fireworks? Will time stop and stretch that moment endlessly?

But when Yejun kisses him, Yeosang feels nothing.

No butterflies, no fireworks, no warm feeling in his chest. Nothing. Only a wet sensation on his lips, and the awareness of their contact. Yejun seems satisfied about it though, so Yeosang thinks he only has to get used to it. Or learn how to do it better. Or focus on the feeling more, instead of the act itself. Or maybe once they get closer he’ll feel more comfortable with kissing too, along with more physical intimacy.

Yeosang is not sure, but he knows everything will be fixed because Yejun is a good person, and he can make this work. Because he likes him. He does.

“Want to go back to my place?”

Yeosang freezes.

Here it is, the dreaded question Yeosang has spent the night hoping he could avoid. And it’s come, right now, outside of the place where they’ve gone to eat dinner. A nice dinner: good food, easy conversation, no awkwardness, the right amount of laughter. Yeosang's hoped it would end in the same way it’s been until now.

“Um...”, Yeosang hesitates, lost for words. He looks around, searching for something he doesn’t even know.

“Come on, it’s not far, we can walk together”, Yejun insists, extending a a hand to take his.

Yeosang shakes his head, “ah, I’m sorry”, he retracts his hand, putting it in his pocket, safe. “I have to go home. Early schedule tomorrow”, he lies. He doesn’t have a schedule tomorrow. He hates lying, he’s not one to do it often because he never liked it, it doesn’t make him feel good. But he doesn't what else to say, what excuse to come up with in order to avoid refusing him, not knowing how it would make the other feel.

Yejun nods, “oh ok, nevermind”, he smiles, it seems a bit forced, but he doesn’t look too upset about it. Hopefully. “Then good night”, he says, as he turns to leave after waving at him.

Yeosang is still a bit startled, but he’s grateful to Yejun for not taking his rejection badly. He waves back and smiles, giving him the good night back.

During the whole walk back, Yeosang can’t stop thinking about his own feelings about the situation. He doesn’t want to agree to something he doesn’t want to do, but, at the same time, he likes what he has with Yejun, and doesn’t want to lose this. He likes being in his company, he’s understanding and makes him feel comfortable. They share similar views on many things, he understands what it means to date an idol, he’s sweet, always supportive and makes him laugh. He’s good. At least that’s what Yeosang thinks. He likes spending time together, he absolutely does.

Though sometimes... He feels like he should do more. Yejun does a lot to show how much he cares for Yeosang, and he feels ungrateful for all those feelings and thoughts, because he doesn’t do as much. He doesn’t feel as much. He’s never been one to be very vocal about his affection, but he has always known what he feels inside, whether or not he says it out loud. He’s always been shy, it takes him a while to warm up to people, Yejun knows this and was ok with it when Yeosang first told him. But Yeosang wants to keep thinking that in a while he’ll be able to feel everything the other feels for him back. He just needs some time. And maybe once he does, he’ll be able to sleep with him too, even if he’s not attracted to him like that, but they’ll be comfortable enough for Yeosang to relax and be intimate with him. And even if that won’t happen, he hopes Yejun would be understanding of this too. He is hopeful this can work.

“So... how did it go?”, San asks him. They’re sitting on his bed, just chatting and looking at their phones, when the conversation moves to his date.

“Good”, he replies. “We had fun”. It’s true, apart from that one question, everything was perfect. And Yeosang almost feels bad to think that question almost ruined it, because it didn’t, and Yejun didn’t pressure him at all. But still, he can’t forget what he felt when he heard him say those words.

“Did he ask you?”, San questions, like he knows Yeosang is hiding something.

He doesn’t really want to talk about this. But maybe, it could be good for him. San is sweet and always so understanding, maybe he’ll give him the advice he needs.

He nods.

San hums. “You refused”, he figures.

Another nod.

“You know that’s ok, right?”, San says, turning to face him fully and placing a hand on his forearm.

“Yeah”. That’s not the problem. “And... I think he took it well? He didn’t ghost me or anything”, he chuckles.

“Well, I really hope so, he looks like a nice guy. If he did something like that you’d better never see him again”, the other replies, smiling, maybe trying to lift the mood.

Yeosang hums, pondering whether to ask the next question.

“Do you think... I’ll want to... One day?”, he murmurs, hesitant.

San sighs, thinking. Then he grabs his hand softly, “only you can know that. Maybe not now... But you’ll know”, he nods.

“And if I never want to?”, he whispers.

San tilts his head, “you mean, with Yejun?”

Yeosang shakes his head, “no, like, in general”.

San looks confused, brows furrowed and a puzzled expression. “Well, you should never force yourself, ever", he reassures him. "If it's something you don't want to do, don't let anyone pressure you to do it. Not even yourself. But maybe, it's still early, maybe you will, one day. With the right person”, he answers, gently stroking his fingers.

Yeosang doesn’t reply.

Things between him and Yejun keep going well after that day. In the weeks that follow, he doesn’t ask Yeosang to go back to his place again, and Yeosang is grateful for that. They go on a couple more dates, Yeosang’s schedule is starting to get more packed with a new comeback approaching, so they don’t have a lot of time to go out together. If they saw each other at their own apartments, it would be easier, maybe, but he doesn’t think he’s comfortable to do that yet.

Yejun kisses him every time they see each other now, when they meet and then before leaving. Yeosang’s feelings haven’t changed, he still feels nothing when it happens, and he doesn’t understand why. He’s sure that by now he should start to feel something. He likes Yejun, so why doesn’t he feel anything? He should, right? Since he...

Does he?

Jongho has always been very laid back about... well, anything, really. That's why Yeosang likes his point of view on many things. It's realistic, not necessarily comforting, but true. Yeosang doesn't go to him for advice, he still isn't sure enough about what's happening to him to want to seek outside help. The topic just comes up while they're lazily hanging out in the younger's room.

"You think sex is important in a relationship?"

It's Jongho that's asking him, not the other way around, so Yeosang is a bit startled. He probably isn't the right person to answer that question.

"I think it depends on the person", he replies. "For some people it is, others couldn't care less".

The other hums, "what if I don't want to do it?"

Yeosang almost laughs, he has a couple of forum posts that could help with that question.

"Then you don't do it", he shrugs. It's simple to him. "If you don't feel like doing something, you shouldn't do it".

Jongho nods.

"I've never done it", Yeosang starts, the younger's words encouraging him to open up himself. "But I'm not... interested in it. I just know it", he confesses. "I don't need to try it to know I don't want to do it".

Jongho wordlessly stares at him, listening.

"And... I know others see it as... being innocent, a pure virgin who doesn't know", he huffs. "But I do know, even if I didn't try it fully myself. I'm not innocent, I just don't want to".

The other huffs a laugh, "yeah. I... Feel the same", he says. "And... many people say you have to find the right person and you will want to, then. But...", he trailers off, shaking his head.

"It's not about finding the right person", Yeosang continues for him. "Because it's about us. It's something we don't want to do", he says, for both of them.

Jongho nods, though he still looks doubtful.

"But...", he starts, hesitant. "I can still love...", he murmurs. "Even without wanting to have sex... Right?"

Yeosang feels himself grow more insecure with this question. He suddenly feels like he's not the right person to say this, but tried to remember what he read online, at least maybe that can help?

"I think only you can know that, but... I don't think sex and romance should always go together", he reflects. "It's absurd to think one can't love only because you don't want that type of physical...", he tries to find the right word. "Activity", he settles for, getting a laugh out of the other.

"I think it's because many people consider it the deepest form of intimacy you can share with someone", Jongho considers.

Yeosang hums, "it's probably true for someone. Though not for everyone", he shrugs. "Everyone loves differently right?", he asks, and waits for Jongho's nod before continuing. "We know our feelings, and we should trust what our mind is telling us, because no one knows what we feel better than ourselves. So I think you should find someone that feels the same and doesn't need that kind of... intimacy... and your relationship won't lack anything, compared to the ones of people who have sex", he concludes.

The younger weighs his words. He smiles, then, more convinced now, and probably reassured by his words.

"Thank you", he whispers.

Yeosang doesn't tell him that their talk made he him better about himself, too.

“So, how is it going?”

Wooyoung is staring at him, waiting for Yeosang to spill his latest gossip about his “not-boyfriend-yet” (that’s how the others like to call him). He knows Yeosang doesn’t usually have very interesting gossip, but he wants to know everything, nonetheless.

“It’s good”, he nods. “Like... Really good”.

Wooyoung keeps staring at him, which means he should add something. “You know, he’s nice and-”

“Yeah, yeah”, Wooyoung interrupts him, shaking his head. “You’ve repeated that since you started seeing each other”, he replies. “But how are you two doing? Like... What’s different from the first times you saw each other? How do you feel when you’re together? What do you feel for him?”

That question takes him by surprise.

What does he feel?

“Well I... I like to spend time with him...”, he says.

Wooyoung nods, “ok...”, he waits, expecting something more.

What else?

“He makes me laugh”, he adds. “And he’s sweet...”

Wooyoung keeps staring at him. “You keep talking about him”, he replies.

Yeosang looks at him. Well, what does he want to know then? He is confused, and it probably shows on his face.

“You keep repeating the same things, but you don’t tell me how you feel”, Wooyoung explains.

Yeosang doesn’t understand. “I- I told you I like to spend time with him...”, he says, puzzled.

Wooyoung shakes his head, “yeah, but...”, he sighs. “Does your heart beat faster when he holds your hand?"

Does it? Yeosang isn't sure.

"Do you feel all warm and fuzzy when he compliments you?”, Wooyoung asks, his tone getting more pressing.

Yeosang starts to feel uneasy, and guilty.

He already wants him to stop asking these questions.

“Have you kissed yet?”, he asks, waiting for Yeosang’s response.

He nods.

“Well", he insists, hands moving while he talks. "Do you feel the damn butterflies in your stomach when you kiss?”

No, don't ask me that.

“Do you feel like you want your dates to stretch forever cause you don’t want to say goodbye?"

Please, stop.

Do you giggle like a dumb duck every time he says something flirty?”, he keeps going.

Yeosang feels worse and worse every sentence he says.

No. No. No. All the answers are no. He feels like a rock is pressing on his chest.

“Do you like him?”

Yeosang freezes. That question, asked after all the others, is like a cold shower.

Until some days ago, Yeosang would have said yes. But... does he even know what “liking” means? He can’t even describe what he feels for the person he thinks he likes. He tells himself he does, but nothing of what Wooyoung described is something he has ever felt. Those feelings sound so easy and normal, everyone talks and writes about them. But to him they feel so... foreign. Kissing Yejun makes him feel nothing, holding hands, even less. When he compliments him, he gets flustered, like he always does, he enjoys the attention, but does he enjoy his attention, or would he react the same to anyone else? When he says something flirty, Yeosang doesn’t know what to do... He usually laughs, embarrassed, because he’s shy, he doesn’t know how to flirt. Or he doesn’t want to? And their dates... he enjoys spending time together, it’s apparently the only thing he knows how to say... He would like them to be longer... but not in the way Wooyoung described, he thinks.

Do you like him?

He doesn’t know.

How can he know?

He thought he knew what liking meant. But now he’s not sure. Does he even like Yejun? Is he leading him on? Is he wasting his time? What should he feel? Why doesn’t he feel all of those feelings?

What’s wrong with him?

“Hey, no, it’s ok”, Wooyoung’s voice brings him out of his thoughts. His face looks worried, and his hands fly to hold his own.

He shakes his head, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that. It was insensitive, I’m sorry”, he apologised, gently stroking his palms with his fingers.

Why was he acting like that?

Then he realises. He sniffles unconsciously, and notices that his eyes are watery, his neck tense, trying to hold back tears. Why is he crying?

He doesn’t have time to think about it, though, because Wooyoung pulls him closer, guiding his head to rest on his chest, his arms going around his body to stroke his back.

“Shh, it’s ok”, he reassures him. “Don’t worry, it’s going to be ok”.

He swallows and sniffles again, trying to breathe, a couple of tears falling from his eyes and wetting Wooyoung’s shirt.

The other kisses his head, normally Yeosang wouldn’t love it, but right now he does, a lot. He feels himself calm down, Wooyoung’s hugs always managed to do that to him.

“Everything will be ok. You’ll feel it. You’ll feel everything”.

That sentence is enough to make all those tears come back.

He breaks down.

Do you like him?

Wooyoung's question keeps haunting Yeosang for days, because the more he thinks about what Wooyoung described, the more he realises he has never felt any of those feelings. A lot of people say those things about crushes, and Yeosang has had crushes... Or so he’s thought. There have been people he’s found interesting, special friends that have felt different from anyone else, but none of them has ever been like the crushes his friends described. Theirs were always more intense, so much that Yeosang has always thought they were exaggerating, but they weren’t.

The more Yeosang searches about it, the more he realises people actually did feel all those things they described. And he’s confused. Those feelings seem so strange to him, like it’s impossible for someone to feel like that. But it is. People do, all the time, it seems. But not him. His crushes have never been like that, they were always like... A special friendship, or someone that looked interesting because they had a cool way to dress, and Yeosang wanted to be their friend.

Weren’t those crushes?

From what people say, they weren’t, not really. And Yeosang realises that they’re right. He tries to think, deeply think whether he would have wanted to date those people back then, and even if he’s not his old self anymore, now that he knows what dating actually is... He thinks he didn’t want to. Not really. He thought he did. But he’s only ever wanted friends. Deep, special, forever friends.

But what even is the difference between romantic feelings and friendly feelings, then? If he’s mistaken his need for friendship for crushes, then how can he distinguish them?

Yeosang tries to search about it, but he can’t find any satisfying answer. The majority of people just say that “they’re different” and “you just know” when it’s romantic. Yeah, thank you very much. Some mention sex as one of the only or more important differences, along with kisses, cuddling and holding hands. But Yeosang already doesn’t like kissing and isn’t interested in sex, and he cuddles and holds hands with his friends, so it doesn’t help.

Others suggest to imagine yourself in a relationship with this person. Not just thinking “I want to be together”, but actually picturing yourself doing things couples do, introducing this person as your partner, living together, kissing (again), sleeping in the same bed and such. Yeosang still doesn’t find it useful.

Some posts mention wanting exclusivity and a long term relationship with your partner as the difference between the two. Yeosang doesn’t think he knows Yejun well enough to want to call him his only, it feels kind of weird to think that...

Others mention hormones and instinct being involved in romantic relationships, while platonic ones tend to be more rational and choice-driven. Yeosang doesn’t feel any kind of instinct or irrational feeling inside his brain when he is with Yejun. Maybe he is just a really logical and level headed person?

He’s confused, very confused. And he doesn’t know what to do.

When Yeosang has doubts, when he needs advice, or comfort, there’s someone who always manages to help him and make him feel better. Just a small word, a simple smile can help him feel better. He’s not sure what he’s going to ask him, but he knows he wants to talk to Seonghwa.

It takes him a while to find the right words, and he’s not sure they’re even the right ones, but he needs to ask something, they’ve been sitting in silence for a bit too long, and by now Seonghwa surely knows there’s something bothering him. Not that he’d pry or ask something to make him uncomfortable, but Yeosang knocked on his door and asked to hang out, only to then sit in silence without a word. So Seonghwa surely knows, he always does.

He has never thought he would ask such a question, but here he is, managing to push the words out after minutes of silence.

“Hyung, what does it feel like to fall in love?”

Seonghwa raises his head to look at him, his expression a little surprised, but with a sweet smile still on his face. If he’s thinking something’s behind his question, he doesn’t say it. He only hums, moving his gaze to look at the ceiling, lost in thought.

“Well, it’s different for everyone”, he starts. “I can’t tell you what you will feel. But it’s a very deep affection, different from what you feel for your friends. It can be many things... or all of them together”, he sighs again, probably searching for the right words to describe it. “It’s caring about that person more than yourself, it’s wanting to spend all of your time together and never getting bored, it’s realising you never want to be separated from that person, or finally understanding all those sappy love songs...”, he explains.

Yeosang nods, silent. He has always found it hard to relate to love songs, they’ve always felt so foreign to him, he thought because he has never been in love... But now he’s starting to realise there’s more to that.

He still doesn’t understand what’s the difference between love for friends and romantic love. After he’s asked himself (and the Internet) this question some days ago, he hasn’t been able to reply to it. Not by himself. Everyone says it’s different, but no one ever says exactly how. Not in a way he understands, anyway. Maybe he’s the problem? He’s so confused that he doesn’t understand what everyone is talking about?

If everyone knows the difference, why doesn’t he? All the questions Wooyoung asked him, Seonghwa’s words and all the things he found online... It seems like everyone knows what he should feel, everyone except him.

“Don’t pressure yourself to feel something so soon, though. Give yourself time”, Seonghwa tells him. Then he looks at him, his eyes sweet but staring intensely in Yeosang’s own, like he could see all the thoughts racing inside his head. “But if you have doubts, if there’s something you’re not sure about... Address it. Don’t leave it be. Don’t just wait until everything fixes itself on its own. If it’s nothing, then it won’t change anything, but if it’s something worth mentioning, something that needs to be said, you better talk about it, discuss it and solve it together. He’s a good person, he’ll understand”.

Yeosang leaves Seonghwa’s room without an answer to his original question, but with a newfound awareness that it’s not a matter of time, of waiting until he’s comfortable. It’s like Seonghwa always knows what to say, even when he doesn’t know the whole picture. But Yeosang knows that this is not something temporary, that will solve itself with time. This is something he needs to understand and address.

Though he doesn’t want to.

He wonders why all of this is happening right now, right when he thought he could find someone for him, who would make him happy.

But maybe that’s the reason, he has never dated before, so he never realised what it actually is like. Before, he has only imagined it, but never tried it. But still he wonders... if he knows he doesn’t want to have sex without trying, why is it so hard to understand if he wants to date Yejun or not?

Yeosang wonders if all these doubts are enough to tell him he doesn’t care about Yejun the way he cares about him...

It’s something he already started thinking about. He knows that what he feels for Yejun isn’t like what the other feels for him. Hell, he can’t even describe what he actually feels for him. But he knows it’s not the same. Lately he’s been feeling as if he has to force himself to act a certain way, in order to show Yejun that he’s into him, that he likes him the way Yejun likes him. He feels like he has to act as if he liked him, not because he doesn’t like Yejun, but because he doesn’t like him the way he should. But how can this be fair? They say you have to put effort into relationships, but is this effort? Or is it lying?

Because this is what he’s been doing. He’s been lying, to everyone, and himself, about this. He pretends that he’s so caught by Yejun, that his texts make him happier than anyone else’s, that he waits impatiently for their dates... But it’s not true. He likes him, he feels like they can become good friends, but all of this, feels like a chore more than something he wants to do. Dating feels like a chore to him, and he knows it shouldn’t.

He’s been trying to convince himself that he likes him, because that’s how it works. Everyone likes someone, sooner or later. And you either like them or you don’t, you can’t be in the middle. You just know when you like someone, but Yeosang doesn’t. So he had to make it up. All this time, he’s been telling himself he felt what everyone else was feeling, because the alternative was...

But at the same time... If it’s not Yejun, then who else? He thought Yejun was the right person for him. He is the kind of person he likes to have around. He knows this. He knows himself well enough to know that this is the type of person he wants next to him. And still... he’s not sure that he likes him. How can he not? He knows you can’t control love, but... He knows that if it had to be someone, it would be him.

But it’s not.

Yeosang doesn’t like him like that. He does like him. But he doesn’t want them to be boyfriends... He never will. He will never love Yejun the way he could love Yeosang, one day. He will never fall in love with him.

But then... Will he ever find someone to love?

What does he want?

Yeosang needs to tell Yejun, he knows that for sure. But what will he tell him?

That he isn’t interested in him like that but he would like to stay friends? That he will never love him and if he wants to keep being with him he has to accept that he’ll never reciprocate his feelings? Should he just break up with him? They weren’t official yet but, they were still dating, technically, so does it count as a break up?

Yeosang wishes he could be brave enough to openly talk about it with someone, but he’s not. He’s never been one to ask for advice on personal matters, just like lately, he’s always preferred searching for advice from strangers who don’t know him, and therefore can’t judge him. Or, they can, but Yeosang wouldn’t care about their opinion. But asking a friend, would mean that he’d have to talk to them every day, knowing that they know something so personal about him. He wishes he could be so open, but he can’t. He can ask for general advice, but when it becomes personal, when he’s doubting his feelings in such a new and scary way, he can’t.

So he hides again behind the safety of his phone screen, and searches for advice where no one knows him. He tries to look for advice on the general search bar, but only finds people talking about falling out of love with their partners. But he has never been in love in the first place. So he opens the “asexual” community again, seeing if he finds someone who shares his same feelings. He has to scroll through posts complaining about being seen as loveless or wondering if they will ever find love, and then finds one that might be for him.

“I don’t understand love. Everyone seems to just get it, but I don’t. Whenever I say “I love you”, I feel like it’s only because I’ve been programmed to say it back. But I don’t mean it. I don’t know what attraction feels like, I fail to distinguish platonic and romantic love. I just want to understand”

Yeosang impatiently scrolls down to read the answers.

“Romance isn’t the only type of love out there. Maybe a relationship isn’t for you, and that’s ok. Not everyone likes romantic relationships, the same way not everyone likes pizza. Just because a lot of people do, it doesn’t mean everyone has to. We’re all different, and there’s no need to force yourself to feel something you don’t feel”

How can the words of a strangers typed on a screen make you feel so much better so easily, Yeosang will never understand.

“You might be aromantic. It’s not the same thing as being asexual, though you may be both. Just like asexuality, aromanticism is a whole spectrum, and you can be anywhere on there. You might want to check out these communities”

Yeosang has never clicked on a link so fast. There’s a small description at the top of the community home page, which describes aromanticism as a romantic orientation characterized by little to no romantic attraction, or low to no desire for romantic activity. There are a couple of pinned posts, one titled “Am I aromantic?”, listing some common questions and their possible answers, and inviting people to talk about their experience in the comments. One of the questions talks about platonic and romantic attraction, so Yeosang stops to read it.

“The experience of romantic attraction is subjective, therefore some aromantic people may find it difficult to determine whether they feel it or not, and may have trouble distinguishing platonic affection from romantic affection”

So the very fact that he’s doubting this could be an answer by itself.

Yeosang keeps reading, finding a whole list of sub-labels that fall under this category. He feels like being back in school and studying the different subcategories of rocks, trying to memorize all those names. But this time he’s not trying to memorize something for a test, he’s trying to find out about himself. Everyone makes it seem so easy, “you’ll just know it if you like boys or girls”, “you’ll recognise it when you’ll feel it”, “I’m thirteen and I already know I’m into boys”... But it’s so much harder to realise the lack of something, when all your life you have been taught it’s normal and inevitable. Romantic relationships are fed to us since we are so young, shown as the inevitable and ultimate goal of everyone’s life. It’s drilled into our heads so much, so heavily, that you don’t even think of asking yourself whether you actually want it or not. Yeosang never questioned it, until know. He didn’t even think he could question it.

And now that the did, it’s like a whole new world opened up to him, even more than the first time he read the word “asexual”. It’s like, for the first time, his feelings are coming to the surface, after being drowned by his own mind. He never did it consciously, but now he realises they’ve always been there, hidden by years of teachings and involuntarily trying to be like everyone else.

He reads these strangers’ words and thinks, “me too”, “yes, I feel the same”. He reads their thoughts, and it’s real, there are so many people who feel the same way.

He feels normal.

There are so many people like him, and suddenly it doesn’t feel so wrong anymore. It’s as if until know his mind refused to acknowledge his own feelings because they didn’t align with anything he’s ever been taught. With the way he’s been raised, with the things he’s heard people talk about his whole life. But there are so many things people take for granted, only to then realise it’s not always like that. And now he sees so many people sharing his same thoughts, different stories, different lives, but the same feelings. “There’s nothing wrong with you. This is just who you are. Welcome in the community”.

Yeosang feels welcomed even if those comments aren’t talking to him.

Aromantic.

Yes, that feels good. That’s him.

And finally he realises why it was so strange for him to realise that Yejun, even if he seemed perfect for him, doesn’t make him feel all those things people talk about.

Because this is not about Yejun... This is about Yeosang.

It’s not that he doesn’t like Yejun. He can’t. He would, if he could, but he can’t. It’s not Yejun’s fault, but his. He can’t like him, or love him, because he’s incapable of doing so.

He’s incapable of falling in love.

And he doesn’t feel bad about it. It’s just a fact. Not something to be ashamed about.

And then he realises.

He has to tell Yejun.

Yeosang is nervous. He’s waiting for Yejun, constantly looking around to see if he can spot him. He has arrived much earlier, maybe thinking that the earlier he arrives, the earlier he can get this done with.

It’s taken him several days to be able to schedule another date, after his realisation. He’s been very close to chicken out and avoid telling him, but he’s told himself that it wouldn’t be fair to any of them if he kept it to himself. So here he is, waiting to tell his date that he doesn't want a relationship.

When Yejun finally arrives, Yeosang takes a deep breath and gets up to greet him. The other sits down in front of him, smiling and greeting him back.

Yeosang already feels like an asshole.

“How are you?”, Yejun asks. “I know you’re very busy with your new comeback, I wish our date didn’t take time off your much needed rest”.

Yeosang feels like a piece of shit.

He nods, “don’t worry”. He sighs, “I wanted to talk about something”.

Yejun stops smiling.

“I...”, Yeosang hesitates. Doesn’t matter how many times he's rehearsed what he wanted to say, he's forgotten every single word.

“I...”, he sighs. “I realised that I don’t like you, the way you like me”.

Yejun is confused, understandably so, “what do you mean? We’re doing good, right? We-... we’re good”.

Yeosang shakes his head. “It’s not about us, it’s about me”, he clarifies. “It’s something I realised lately, and I’m sorry it took me so long to understand... I didn’t mean to lead you on, or hurt you... But I can’t give you what you want”.

“No, wait”, Yejun replies. “Don’t rush. I know you’re shy, and you need time to warm up to people...”

“It’s not that-”

“But we’ve been going at your pace, so that you can be comfortable and now you tell me...”

Yeosang feels so bad because he’s right. He’s been patient and sweet with him, and this is what he gets back.

“It’s not about you”, Yeosang explains. “It’s just me. It’s not about what I feel for you, it’s just the way I am. You have nothing to do with it”.

Yejun looks at him like he said something absurd, “what?”.

“It’s... called being aromantic... I just don’t love like that. I- I can’t...”

Yejun sighs, “no”, he smiles. “You’re just confused and overwhelmed now, but don’t worry, we can work through it and you’ll be able to feel the same things I feel for you”.

Yeosang shakes his head, “no, I’ve been faking it. Pretending to be into you like that because it felt wrong not to, because you’re the kind of person that I like... but I don’t. Not like that. Not in the way I should... Not in the way you do”, he confesses.

Yejun stares at him, discouraged, “so you’re saying that... you don’t want to date?”

Yeosang nods. “It would be unfair, to you and me. I’d force myself to act a certain way, and you would be stuck with someone who... can’t reciprocate your feelings”.

“No...”, Yejun says. “I... don’t believe what you say. You’re so sweet and nice, you can’t be right. You can love. You absolutely can”.

“Not like that....”, Yeosang whispers.

“Maybe... It’s only because you’re not used to it, so you don’t know how to express it”.

Yeosang shakes his head again, “no, these feelings... I just don’t feel them. Just... like that”.

Yejun keeps starting at him, confused and upset. “So... what do you want? A pause... to make up your mind?”

Yeosang lowers his gaze, “I... don’t need to make up my mind”, he sighs. “This is how it is”.

Yejun sighs, and Yeosang thinks the conversation is going to end like that.

“And what if we dated anyway?”

Yeosang raises his head, eyes wide. What is he talking about?

“What?", he asked, baffled. "I can’t... love you. I never will”, he exhales. “Why would you want-”

“Maybe you can, if you try...”, Yejun interrupts him.

Yeosang doesn’t like where this conversation is going, “it’s not about trying, I just can’t”.

Yejun sighs, “but I... I think I’m falling in love with you...”, he whispers.

And now Yeosang feels ten times worse.

“I’m sorry”, he murmurs. He genuinely is. “I can’t control this. This... is just who I am”.

“Maybe we can... make this work anyway-”

Yeosang shakes his head, “I don’t want-”

“You can get used to this, and maybe then-”

“No”, he interrupts him, “you’re making up a version of me that doesn’t exist. I can be your friend, but I can’t date you”.

Yejun looks puzzled, surprised at seeing him hold his ground like this. He doesn’t even know where that came from. It’s a first for him too.

Yejun looks lost in thought for a while, weighing his words, but thankfully, he doesn't propose anything else.

Then he nods.

“I... can’t be your friend”, he says. “Not with the way I feel for you”.

Yeosang nods too. What did he expect? He’s been hoping they would just stay friends, but he’s always known that it wouldn’t happen, that’s probably why he didn’t want to admit it to himself. And to Yejun. Because doing so meant being ready to lose their friendship. Yeosang cares about their friendship, he might not like Yejun romantically, but he likes talking and spending time together. He enjoys their friendship. But that’s the problem. Yejun wants more. He can’t give it to him.

“Ok”, he nods, “I’m sorry”.

Yejun sighs, “thank you for what you gave me. It might not have been long, but it meant something, right?”

Yeosang feels horrible again. He just nods, he doesn’t trust his voice to stay stable right now.

“I...”, Yejun hesitates, “think it’s better if I delete your contact...”

Yeosang just nods again, he doesn’t know what else to do. Yejun is right, what will he do with his contact anyway? But it still feels like a cold shower. That’s what he deserved, for hurting someone who cared about him. He has no right to act upset.

“Goodbye”, the other says, finally.

Yeosang only manages to whisper a quiet “bye” back.

Yeosang feels like shit. It looked so easy online, where everyone was accepting and happy, but the truth is that it sucks. It sucks not being like everyone else. It sucks not being what others expected of you.

And it sucks because he feels like he has no right to be upset for this, because he’s sure Yejun must feel worse than him. Everyone says that being hurt for love is the worst feeling, right? Then why does he feel like this? Horribly guilty and sad for loosing a friendship that barely started. If he realised this sooner, maybe they could have been friends, without all of this. He didn’t want to lose their friendship, but he couldn’t lie to him.

And a part of him does feel lighter now, not having to fake, not having to lie, finally knowing who he is. But at the same time, he can’t help feeling like it’s not so simple and nice like he thought at first. He can’t stop thinking about what Yejun told him, that he’s too sweet and nice to think that he can’t love. Many people say that love is what makes us human... but if he can’t love in that sense, what does this make him? Is he just a heartless and loveless creature pretending to be a good person? Someone who will never fulfill their life because he can’t feel enough?

Will his friends all leave him behind for their own partners? Everyone always puts their partners first, before their friends. So will he always be their second choice? Will he always be alone? Will there ever be someone who will put him first, without having to lie and pretend to be in love?

“Hey, I heard you come back but didn’t see you”

Wooyoung’s voice startles him so much he almost drops the pillow he’s holding. He didn’t even hear him open the door.

“Did you come hiding here hoping I wouldn’t annoy you?”, he laughs, jumping on the bed. Yeosang keeps avoiding his gaze.

“You know I should always be the first one to know what happens at your dates”, Wooyoung smirks. Then taps his knee a couple of times. “Come on, come on, spill”, he straightens his back, sitting cross legged and happpily waiting for his answer.

Now Yeosang is going to upset him too...

He stares at an undefined point on the blankets, unintentionally reliving his last conversation with Yejun, like he was doing just a bit ago, but more vividly. Maybe if he stays silent long enough he will disappear from this room, so he won’t have to talk about it.

“Wait...”, he doesn’t see Wooyoung, but the tone of his voice is enough to tell him he’s worried, now. “What happened?”

Yeosang doesn’t really want to answer. He looks at his phone, that’s laying next to him. He deleted Yejun’s contacts and socials too, like the other did. There was no point in keeping them.

“Did he break up with you?”, Wooyoung sounds mad, understandably so. Yeosang would punch someone if they dared to hurt his best friend. And Wooyoung... well he’s always been much worse than Yeosang at controlling his reactions.

“That piece of shit-”

He hears him getting up from the bed, to go no one knows where, since he doesn’t know where Yejun lives.

“I’m gonna fucking kill him-”

“I did”

Yeosang’s quiet answer makes him stop in his tracks.

He doesn’t repeat himself, he knows Wooyoung heard him, even if he’s not answering him. He still keeps his gaze to the blankets, avoiding the other’s expression. After a bit, he can hear him walk back to the bed, then sitting on it slowly.

“But... why?”, he asks, confused. “You were doing so well... Or not?”

Yeosang just shrugs, he really doesn’t have the strength to talk about this right now.

“Wait... Was it because of what I said, the other day? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, I swear...”

Yeosang wants to cover his ears and be alone. Just silence. No more questions.

“I don’t... Want to talk about it...”, he breathes.

Wooyoung looks like he doesn't want to drop the topic yet, but he nods anyway. Then he scoots closer to him, gently turning him towards his body. Yeosang lets him move him however he wants.

“Can I stay with you?”

He nods.

Wooyoung hugs him, and Yeosang feels that maybe, it doesn’t suck so much.

Yeosang knows that they all know. If Wooyoung hasn’t told them that he and Yejun stopped dating, then they’ve surely understood it themselves. Yeosang likes to think he is good at masking his feelings, but at the same time, his friends know him so well, it’s impossible they haven’t noticed. He wants to talk about this, to let them know that, as much as it sucked at first, he’s ok now. More or less. But mostly, he wants them to know that he’s not upset that they aren’t dating anymore. He’s upset that he lost a potential friend because he couldn’t give him what he wanted. And now he’s scared that it might happen again, and that this part of him will never let him have a fulfilled life like everyone else.

That’s probably why Seonghwa has come to him. He knows there’s something wrong. And Yeosang is grateful for that, the older always knows what to say to make him feel better, the problem is that it’s Yeosang who doesn’t know what to say. Honestly, he’s a bit tired of sitting silently in a room, waiting for the right words to come to him. Because the words he chooses are never right enough. But it looks like things are going like this, lately.

But Seonghwa is patient. He knows that pressing him will only make him close off more, so he stays silent, just letting him know that he’s here, that whenever he wants to talks, he will listen.

Yeosang wonders what to say, how to say it. He wonders if Seonghwa will just tell him that it’s ok, that there’s nothing wrong with him, or if he will tell him that it’s not true, that he will change his mind. He knows that he loves him, and he will always accept him, but this is something so new, different and unexpected, something people never even think about... That’s why he’s scared that his friends may not understand, may not realise that he knows himself, he knows this is how he feels, even if it sounds strange. He doesn’t know what to expect. And, while Yejun’s rejection upset him, he got ever it easily. But his friends... He doesn’t know if he could bear such reactions from them. He’s scared that if they dismissed him, if they told him what he’s saying is impossible, it would break him.

That’s why he’s hesitating, debating whether or not to say it.

Just talk. How hard can it be? But all the words he wants to say are caught in his throat, and they don’t come out. He tries to push them out, but to no avail, they are locked inside, a heavy weight in his chest. Nothing of what he thought he wanted to say manages to be pushed out.

Until...

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”

He doesn’t know why this is the only thing that his brain decided to let him say, but he can’t say he hasn’t thought about it, recently. Often, more often that he’d like to admit.

Seonghwa turns to him, almost startled by his sudden question. He looks worried, and, though Yeosang does know why, he still feels like his question is valid. He moves closer to him on the bed, until they’re next to each other. Yeosang keeps his gaze to the wall, but he can feel the other’s eyes on him.

Seonghwa puts an arm around him, cradling him close to his body and guiding his head to lay on his shoulder. One of his hands rests on his arm, while the other starts to gently stroke his hair.

“No”, he replies, firmly. His voice is soft, but his answer leaves no room for disagreement. “I don’t know why you think that, but there’s nothing wrong with you, baby. There could never be”.

Yeosang knows he’s sincere, but at the same time, if Seonghwa knew why he’s saying that... Maybe he wouldn’t be so sure?

“Did someone tell you that?”

Yeosang shakes his head, as much as he can at least, while it’s still lying on Seonghwa’s shoulder.

“Then why did you say that?”

He doesn’t know. Everything felt ok when he first realised it, but now... it feels wrong. It seemed so easy, and now it feels like a defect. What did he expect, that he’d break Yejun’s heart and he’d just say “thank you, let’s stay friends”? It’s not even his fault, he didn’t say anything offensive... But it was still him that ruined what they had, what they could have had. Because he can’t feel the emotion that everyone wishes for the most. The best one. If he can’t feel that... How can he not be broken?

“Is it because of what happened with Yejun?”, Seonghwa asks.

Yeosang shakes his head again.

“But it’s the reason why it happened”, he mumbles.

Seonghwa hums.

“You left Yejun because you think there’s something wrong with you?”, he ask again. Yeosang knows what he’s trying to do. He’s putting together the little things Yeosang says to encourage him to talk and clarify what he got wrong. And it’s working, as usual.

He shakes his head again. “There’s something I realised...”, he hesitates. Seonghwa doesn't say anything, just keeps stroking his hair.

“I... didn’t like him...", Yeosang continues. "So I told him we couldn’t date...”

Seonghwa nods, “that’s ok. You can’t force yourself to like someone”.

Yeosang wants to laugh, he surely knows that very well.

For a while they stay in silence, Yeosang focuses on the small movement of Seonghwa’s shoulder whenever he breathes and tries to match his own breathing to his. He thinks about his next words, how to say them, if to say them. Seonghwa’s hand is still petting his hair, and when Yeosang tries to concentrate on that feeling, he finds himself relaxing. He breathes again.

“It’s not that I didn’t like him”, he whispers. “I just... don’t”.

The hand in his hair falters for a moment, before resuming its task like it never stopped.

“Can you explain that better to me?”, Seonghwa asks.

No pushing, no judging, no trying to correct him, or change his mind. Just the will to understand. Yeosang feels himself breathe slower.

“I don’t feel that kind of feeling”, he starts. “Love, romantic love... I just can’t”. The other keeps stroking his hair, his other hand still firmly on his arm. “I can’t fall in love, I don’t enjoy dating, I don’t desire a relationship”. He thinks of other things to say, to explain it better, but right now he doesn’t know what else to add. It felt so complicated, but now, saying this to Seonghwa, it feels so easy again.

“Ok”, Seonghwa replies. “There’s nothing wrong with that. We’re all different and feel different things, there’s nothing to be ashamed of”.

Yeosang wants to cry. Of happiness this time. And he feels like he might, with he way his eyes start to water.

“But I don’t...”, he breathes, the last drops of doubts still clinging to his thoughts. “I don’t love... How can I not love? Everyone does, it’s the thing they all want to feel. But I don’t...”, he raised his head from Seonghwa’s shoulder, finally turning to face him. “I can’t feel like others do... So there’s must be something wrong with me...", he gestures towards himself like he's some kind of object, and not a person. "Something... broken”, he whispers.

Seonghwa shakes his head.

“No”, he says, firm, grabbing one of his hands and intertwining their fingers.

“Would you ask me to fall in love with a girl?”, he asks, suddenly.

What? What kind of questions was that?

“But... You’re gay...”, Yeosang objects.

Seonghwa raises his eyebrows, like he just proved a point. “Yes, that means I only like boys, not girls”.

Yeosang shakes his head, “but still, someone. You like someone. You can fall in love”.

Seonghwa sighs. “But romantic love is not the only type of love”, he smiles, that sweet and comforting smile that always makes Yeosang melt and forget all of his problems. He holds his hands tighter, “you love so much, baby. So strongly and fully...”

Yeosang raises his eyes on him, they’re still a bit wet, and his expression makes Seonghwa pout slightly and flick his hand under his chin in the way he does when he finds him cute.

Then he smiles again. “You’re so full of love”, he adds. “Not feeling one of its many faces doesn’t make you lacking, or broken”.

He pulls Yeosang close to him again, this time fully hugging him, arms around his back, while Yeosang’s encircle his waist.

“You’re perfect. Just the way you are”

Yeosang nods against his chest.

“We love you, so much. And this”, he looks down at him, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, “is a part of you. You wouldn’t be you without it”.

Yeosang knows, he said it himself, but maybe now he actually believes it.

“We love everything about you. Every single part, all the same. This one too”.

Yeosang forgot how sappy Seonghwa could get, he almost wants to hide in embarrassment. Almost. Because he probably needed it.

And if Seonghwa feels tears wetting his shirt, he doesn’t mention it.

“Aromantic, right?”, Seonghwa asks. “That’s the term?”

Yeosang looks at him a bit dumbfounded. He didn’t expect him to know it, but he nods. They still haven’t moved from their positions on the bed, Yeosang doesn’t know when he stopped crying, he just knows that, at one point, his eyes weren’t wet anymore, and he instead felt like smiling. Therefore, unless Seonghwa has some foresight abilities he ignored, he already knew about it, prior to their conversation.

“Do you know it?”

Seonghwa nods. “Wasn’t sure of the details and the differences in the spectrum, but I did hear about it”

Yeosang smiles, of course he did.

“Also...”, he adds, now not fearing judgment or rejection anymore. “Asexual...”

Seonghwa hums, nodding.

“Aroace, then. Even your label is cute”, he grins. Well, he basically knows more about him than Yeosang himself.

“If I remember correctly...”, he trails off, stretching an arm to reach for his phone. He types something, but Yeosang can’t see from his position, still hugging Seonghwa, so he waits for the other to find what he was searching for. He must succeed quickly, because he nods and turns his phone towards him.

On the screen there are many images depicting stripes of blues and oranges.

“Your flag is pretty, right? It looks like the sunset”, Seonghwa explains.

And now Yeosang sees what he typed into the search bar, too: “aroace flag”.

Yeosang smiles, “like the sunset”, he nods.

Yeosang didn’t think he would have to come out to his friends twice. But here he is. Not that the first time it was something particular, almost all of them are somewhere on the rainbow, they basically all came out to each other. But this time it feels different.

“Are you... Coming out to me again?”

He hates Wooyoung.

“Yes, and it better be the last time cause I was already tired the first time”

Wooyoung nods, suddenly serious.

“You know I love you, right?”, he asks.

“I do”. That was never a doubt.

“And if someone makes you feel bad about it”, he says pointing at him, “you tell me”, he points at himself. “And I fucking bite them”.

Yeosang chuckles, “of course”.

“Do I have to bite someone?”, he asks, already straightening up and pointing to the door.

“No, no”, Yeosang says, hands up to calm him down.

Wooyoung hums, side eyeing him to make sure he’s not lying. “Good”, he nods. “Because no one hurts my Yeosangie”, he concludes, squishing him in a hug Yeosang doesn’t try to fight too much. Wooyoung have always given the best hugs.

Hugs that tend to distract him, and this time it’s not an exception, as he doesn’t realise there's a kiss being planted on his cheek in time to avoid it.

He complains, trying to squirm away, while Wooyoung is laughing. He pouts and lets himself be hugged again, not without pretending to profusely wipe his cheek.

He feels Wooyoung take a deep breath, before he speaks again.

“I’m sorry”

Yeosang turns his head to him. Why was he apologising? As much as he didn’t love kissing, they all knew a lot of it was an act.

“For what I said the other day”

Oh, that.

“For making you cry”

Yeosang shakes his head, “you didn’t-”

“I did. Because I should have listened. Should have tried to understand. Instead I only pressured you and made you feel bad”, he sighs. “I made you feel wrong”

Yeosang actually interrupts him this time, “no, you didn’t. It was... So many things...”

Wooyoung pouts, “I hate to see you cry. I promise I’ll listen more, I’ll be a better friend-”

Yeosang shushes him, “you already are”. It’s him to hug the other this time, “you’ll always be my best friend”.

Wooyoung’s voice is a bit choked when he speaks, “yeah, you better not replace me”.

Yeosang giggles, “I could never”.

But then, a small thought comes in his mind. The last insecurity that maybe will never leave him.

“But...", he starts, unsure, he breathes a few times to stabilise his voice.

"Don’t leave me”, he says, fresh tears starting to form in his eyes. He’s so tired of crying, he never liked it, and he seems to do it constantly lately.

Wooyoung looks at him like he said that the sky is green, big eyes and furrowed brows.

“When you get a partner”, Yeosang explains, sniffling and swallowing to be able to talk, “please don’t leave me behind. Don’t leave me alone”, he whimpers.

Wooyoung shakes his head, cradling his face in his hands and drying the tears that fell down his cheeks.

“No boyfriend or girlfriend can come between us. Never”, he reassures. “If they do, I’ll bite them... And not in a sexy way”.

Yeosang laughs through his tears. He hates him.

“And if I do something so stupid, I grant you permission to bite me...”

He thinks about it for a second.

“Or get someone to bite me for you”, he rectifies. “Like... Hongjoong!”, he nods, “send Hongjoongie to bite me and I’ll know”.

Yeosang shakes his head. He loves him.

“No one can come between us”, Wooyoung adds. “Not even me. Ok?”

He stares at him, waiting for Yeosang to nod, before going back to hugging him.

“I love you too much. I will never love you less than someone else”

And here, in Wooyoung’s embrace, replaying his and Seonghwa’s words in his head, Yeosang doesn’t question their love anymore. Because he knows that it doesn’t matter what people call it, their love will never fade, will never be replaced, or sidetracked. He knows that his friends will never leave him behind.

And while the sun casts its last rays of the day, Yeosang realises that this is who he is. This is who he’s always been. And he doesn’t want to be anyone else. Because he is perfect, like Seonghwa said. Just like at sunset, when the sun is sitting right on the horizon, not below, not above, but perfectly on it.

He is perfect. Like the sunset.