Chapter Text
Whenever Itachi had a problem he almost always handled it in the same way–lying. It had worked well for him so far, and he had only become a better liar as he got older. He never really ran into any consequences for it either, almost always able to smooth things over with a smile or even another lie if needed. Itachi never considered trying to solve things any other way, not seeing the point. But then he was eventually trapped in one of his own lies.
Itachi loved his family more than anything in the world, but sometimes they felt like too much. There were just so many of them, and they were always getting together to celebrate something . He loved his family, but sometimes he just needed a break. So one day when his mother was reminding him about an upcoming baby shower for one of his countless cousins he told he already had plans with his boyfriend, the lie falling from his lips easily. She blinked at him in confusion at the lie at first, the words taking her by surprise, but then she told him not to worry about the baby shower with a wide smile. Which was how Itachi found himself with a long-term, fake boyfriend.
Itachi’s fake boyfriend outlasted all of his real ones and became his go to excuse to get out of things he didn’t want to do. It worked perfectly for years, which led Itachi to get a little lazy with it. He didn’t say much about his fake boyfriend, not wanting to make the lie too complicated, but that also meant their fake relationship didn’t look like it was progressing either. He never thought anyone would notice, but his mother eventually cornered him about it, fishing for details that didn't exist. She badgered him for updates on his relationship, worried that something was wrong, and lamented that she still hadn’t even met his boyfriend, though not for lack of trying. She had been inviting his fake boyfriend to all sorts of things almost since the first time Itachi mentioned him, desperate to meet him. Itachi always just said his boyfriend was busy without elaborating, and she had let him leave it at that. She was always disappointed, but never pushed it until now.
“At this rate I’m not going to meet him until your wedding.” His mother’s voice reminded him of Sasuke, a childish sort of whine clinging to her words. Itachi rolled his eyes at her as he pushed his pancakes around his plate, almost wishing he hadn’t accepted her invitation to breakfast.
“I’d have to be engaged for there to be a wedding.” His mother’s eyes dropped to his hand as he spoke, like she thought a ring might suddenly appear on his finger or something. “I’m not engaged, mother.”
“You can’t fault me for checking. You guys have been together for a while and it’s not like you tell me anything anymore, Itachi. I still don’t even know his name.” The whine was gone from her voice now, but instead she was obviously trying to make him feel guilty, which made Itachi feel like a kid again. It worked as intended, his chest tightening painfully, and, for a moment, he considered telling her the truth.
“We’re taking things slow.” The lie wasn’t very smooth as Itachi had just said the first thing he thought of, so he wasn’t surprised when his mother laughed loudly in disbelief.
“I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.” Itachi blushed at her slight admonishment, embarrassed with himself at the flimsy lie. His mother’s expression softened as she reached out for his hand, pressing it between both of her own. “I’m not trying to ambush you about him or anything. I…I’m just curious about the man who makes my son so happy.” Itachi’s chest tightened again, and the feeling was more painful than before.
“I’m sorry, mother. I…” Itachi trailed off as he considered telling the truth again, letting her know that there had never been a boyfriend at all. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it, not as he looked at her hopeful expression. He thought about telling her that they had just broken up, but he didn’t want to do that either. So he doubled down on the lie instead. “You’ll meet him soon, I promise.”
“So you’ll bring him to Uncle Madara’s party next Saturday then?” His mother was suddenly smiling widely, and Itachi had the distinct impression that he had just been played. His usual lie of ‘he’s busy’ was on the tip of his tongue, but she gave him a look that told him clearly enough that she wasn’t going to buy it this time. So Itachi sighed to himself quietly before giving her a small, forced smile.
“I will.”
Itachi called Shisui as soon as his mother left, knowing he wouldn’t be able to think of a way out of his lie by himself. Shisui immediately joined him at the diner where he was still nursing his syrup-soaked pancakes and listened to Itachi attentively as he told him about the conversation with his mother. His cousin was the only one who knew that his boyfriend was fake and he kept Itachi’s secret even though he hadn’t wanted to. Shisui never supported the lie, constantly telling Itachi that it was eventually going to implode on him, but he politely resisted saying ‘I told you so’ as Itachi spoke. The smug, gloating sort of smile he gave Itachi carried the point across well enough, but Itachi appreciated that he never actually said the words themselves.
Shisui uncharacteristically didn’t interrupt Itachi at all, instead waiting until he had finished before saying anything. “You know this is probably a sign to finally come clean about the boyfriend that never was.”
“I think I’d rather kill my entire family than admit to lying to them for years.” Itachi didn’t really mean it, but right then he was willing to do almost anything to avoid having to tell the truth.
“You’d even kill me?” Shisui asked the question with an exaggerated pout, which caused Itachi to roll his eyes.
“I’m not killing anyone, Shisui. But I’m also not telling my parents the truth. So start giving me real ideas.” Shisui obnoxiously mouthed ‘real ideas’ after Itachi said it, but he didn’t tease him any further, probably deterred by Itachi’s glare.
“So I assume that telling your parents you guys just broke up is out too?” Itachi nodded in answer to Shisui’s question. He knew that saying they broke up was probably the best thing to do right after telling the truth, but he didn’t want to. Itachi knew it was selfish, but he didn’t want to give up the best excuse he had ever created, especially as he’d have to wait a while before he could give himself a new fake boyfriend. “He could get sick or injured or something right before the party. You’d just have to make it believable enough.”
“I could…” Itachi trailed off as he already started to think up a lie about a minor car accident, but he stopped himself before he took it too far. “But that’ll only delay the inevitable.” Itachi slumped in his seat as he realized that he had lied himself into a corner.
“Then you’ll just have to bring a boyfriend to the party.” Shisui said it like it was the best idea he had ever had, smiling widely despite the perplexed way Itachi was looking at him.
“You want me to ask someone to pretend to be my boyfriend for a party?” Itachi spoke slowly, hoping that would help Shisui see how ridiculous the idea was, but Shisui’s smile only widened.
“Yup. Don’t tell me you suddenly have a problem with lying or something.” There was a laugh in Shisui’s voice as he teased him. Itachi narrowed his eyes at his cousin, but didn’t say anything as Shisui wasn’t exactly wrong.
“Who would I even ask?” Itachi assumed his question would derail Shisui’s idea, but it seemed like he had been expecting it.
“You could ask Kisame.” Itachi shook his head before Shisui even finished saying Kisame’s name, smacking himself in the face with his fair with the vehemence of the motion.
“Kisame’s married.” Kisame was married, but that hadn’t stopped Itachi from getting a crush on him that took years for him to get over. He knew asking Kisame to pretend to be his fake boyfriend would reignite his crush and he didn’t think his heart could handle going through that again.
“Alright then what about Asuma?” Itachi considered Shisui’s suggestion for a moment. He imagined introducing Asuma as his boyfriend and imagined Asuma’s arm around his waist, but he shook his head as he had trouble really picturing it.
“I think he’s too straight to be believable.” Shisui hummed as Itachi spoke, which he took to mean that Shisui agreed with him.
“Tenzo?” Shisui said the name like he expected Itachi to turn it down right away, but he didn’t. He did the same thing he had for Asuma and tried to imagine bringing Tenzo to the party with him. He could picture it easily and was sure that Tenzo would be the perfect fake boyfriend. But he was also sure that his family would love him, which would inevitably lead them to pester Itachi to bring Tenzo along with him to everything. So Itachi shook his head again.
“Tenzo’s too likable.” Shisui raised an eyebrow at Itachi’s assertion.
“What’s wrong with likable?”
“I don’t want my parents to get too attached to him or anything.” Itachi mumbled the words, half-afraid Shisui might tease him over them. But Shisui just looked at him thoughtfully.
“So you want an unlikable fake boyfriend?” If Shisui actually wanted Itachi to answer he didn’t give him a chance to. His face brightened as he suddenly sat up straighter. “Hidan.” He said it like it was the answer Itachi was looking for, but Itachi had no idea what the word meant.
“What’s hidan?”
“Hidan’s Deidara’s roommate and he’s the perfect choice for your fake boyfriend.” Itachi didn’t share Shisui’s enthusiasm, realizing his cousin’s real motive for the suggestion. He rolled his eyes as he slumped down even further in his seat.
“So that’s why you’re really here. You just want an excuse to talk about trying to get back with Deidara.”
“Like I ever need an excuse to talk about Deidara.” Itachi gave Shisui a pointed look, not believing his cousin’s forced casualness. “Okay so maybe I was hoping we could kill two birds with one stone, but I really do think Hidan’s perfect. He’s rude and obnoxious and probably won’t mind lying to our whole family.” Itachi was still pretty sure Shisui was only suggesting Hidan because of Deidara, but he didn’t really have any better options.
“Do you really think he’d agree to it?” Itachi half-hoped Shisui would say ‘no’.
“Oh absolutely. Let’s go ask him about it.” Shisui was already halfway out of his chair, like he was about to run over to Hidan’s.
“Right now?”
“Yeah right now. I mean you’d want time to think of something else if he says no, right?” Shisui was giving Itachi a smug sort of look that made Itachi want to argue with him, but he kept quiet as he knew his cousin was right.
“At least let me pay first.” Itachi waved the waitress over as he spoke, feeling rushed as Shisui had finished standing.
“Yeah okay, meet me outside.” Shisui left before Itachi had a chance to change his mind about the whole thing. Itachi sighed to himself once he was alone and hoped he wasn’t about to regret asking Shisui for help.
Shisui drove Itachi across town, loudly singing along with the radio as he tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. He was obviously excited that they were heading towards Deidara, but Itachi was too nervous to share his excitement. He didn’t know anything about Hidan other than the little Shisui had said about him, which honestly only made him more nervous. He had no idea what to expect and was more than a little worried that Hidan might instantly dislike him like Deidara had the first time they met.
Itachi was practically choking on his nervousness by the time they parked and he considered just staying exactly where he was. But he forced himself to follow Shisui out of the car while reminding himself that the worst Hidan could say was no. He expected Shisui to call Deidara or something once they reached the apartment building, but Shisui unlocked the door himself with a key he had ‘forgotten’ to give back to Deidara after their last breakup. He led Itachi past the elevator, which had a piece of paper with the words ‘out of order’ taped to it, and towards an unmarked door, which ended up being the entrance to the stairwell. Then he led Itachi up a few flights of stairs before pushing through another unmarked door, showing just how familiar he was with the apartment building.
Shisui stopped in front of a door marked 3H before turning to Itachi with a wide smile. “You ready?”
“I–” Shisui knocked before Itachi finished answering, and the sound echoed loudly through the hallway. A part of Itachi hoped that no one was home, but the doorknob twisted only seconds after Shisui knocked.
“What the hell are you doing here, Shisui?” Deidara answered the door with a scowl, obviously unhappy to see Shisui. But Shisui acted as if he didn’t notice Deidara’s displeasure, giving the blonde-haired man a smile before sneaking past him into the apartment.
“Itachi needs help with something.” Shisui tossed the words over shoulder as he moved further and further into the apartment, forcing Deidara to follow him with a huff. Itachi lingered in the doorway, unsure what he was supposed to do. But then Deidara turned back around and shot him a glare, which he assumed was Deidara’s way of telling him to come in while also asking him what he needed.
“I uh need a…” The words ‘fake boyfriend’ got caught in Itachi’s throat as they felt too ridiculous to say aloud. He looked over at Shisui, hoping his cousin would say it for him, especially as it was his idea in the first place. But Shisui was too busy gazing at Deidara to notice. “Is your roommate here?”
“Hidan? What do you want him for?” Deidara narrowed his eyes at Itachi suspiciously, and Itachi blushed without wanting to.
“I—”
“Oy! Why are you talking about me?” The man, who Itachi could only assume was Hidan, entered the room as he asked. Itachi’s blush embarrassingly felt hotter as he looked Hidan over, lingering on his wet hair, ratty t-shirt, and his sweatpants, which were sitting low on his hips.
“Shisui’s cousin needs you for something.” Itachi rolled his eyes as Deidara spoke, annoyed as Deidara had known his name for almost a decade. Hidan looked over at Shisui first before looking at Itachi, his lips twisting into a smile as their eyes met.
“Yeah? What do you think I can help you with, hot stuff?” Hidan winked as he asked, and Itachi felt so sure he had just caught fire, his face now feeling unbearably hot. He wished he had never let Shisui talk him into this idea and wished he had never followed his cousin to Deidara’s apartment. But, as he was already there, he just took a deep breath before meeting Hidan’s eyes.
“I need you to come to a family party with me and pretend to be my boyfriend.” Itachi tried to force himself to sound nonchalant, like he was asking for something completely normal, but he just sounded awkward. Deidara laughed as soon as Itachi finished talking.
“You want Hidan to pretend to be your boyfriend? What the fuck for?” Itachi and Hidan both scowled as Deidara laughed through his own question.
“Because Itachi’s been lying about having a boyfriend for years and we need someone his parents won’t like.” Shisui answered for Itachi, obviously just trying to get Deidara’s attention back onto him.
“Why don't you think his parents will like me?” Hidan was still scowling and he almost sounded offended, but Itachi couldn’t tell for certain. Shisui had the decency to look sheepish, the tip of his ears turning pink.
“They’re uh…well they’re a little old fashioned.” Shisui wasn’t necessarily lying, but Itachi knew he wasn’t necessarily telling the truth either. “Plus they’re not really fans of tattoos.”
“You have a tattoo?” Itachi hadn’t actually meant to ask, but it was already too late, Hidan looking at him with his smile back in place.
“Hell yeah I do. Want to see it?” Hidan didn’t wait for Itachi to actually answer. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and lifted, showing off his toned abs and the intricate tattoo that sprawled across his chest. Itachi felt lightheaded for a moment as he looked at him, but then the moment passed as Hidan dropped his shirt. “So what’s in it for me if I say yes.”
“Uh…” Itachi hadn’t expected the question, so he scrambled for some kind of answer. “Well I guess they’ll be food at the party and I could–”
“Good enough for me. I’ll do it.” Hidan gave Itachi a toothy smile as he agreed, and, for a second, Itachi forgot that Hidan was only agreeing to be his fake boyfriend.
“Thank you, Hidan. The party’s on Saturday, so I can pick you up around two?” Itachi felt nervous as he asked, like Hidan might suddenly change his mind.
“It’s a date.”
“What about you, Deidara? Want to be my date to the party and watch this all play out?” Shisui was giving Deidara a smile that he probably thought was charming, but Deidara only glared at him.
“No. Just keep me out of whatever the hell you guys are up to. And keep out of my life, Shisui. I meant it when I said our last breakup really was the last one.” Deidara sounded exasperated, like this was something he had to say to Shisui often.
“Yeah I know you meant it.” Shisui’s smile didn’t dim at all, obviously not really believing that Deidara meant it. Itachi looked at Hidan without even thinking about it, and Hidan was already giving him a commiserating sort of look.
“Then fuck off and take your cousin with you.” Deidara must not have trusted Shisui to listen to him as he was the one to leave first, moving further into the apartment and further away from Shisui. Shisui didn’t seem offended at it, just watching him leave with a smile. Itachi turned to look back at Hidan, feeling like there was something else he should say, but nothing came to mind, even as the other raised an eyebrow at him expectantly. So he let himself get ushered through the door alongside Shisui, leaving the apartment one fake-boyfriend heavier than how he had entered it.