Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I was just worried about you. I hate that I can’t make everything okay.”

Carlos draws him in and kisses his cheek, and TK wants to feel comforted but he’s fighting back his emotions as hard as he can. His dad interrupted him before he could take the fentanyl, which means he has to battle his emotions himself if he wants to make it through this day. Letting Carlos care for him would crack him open and he can’t let that happen, not right before he and his dad have to get on a plane to fly halfway across the country.

“Go,” Carlos says. “I’ll see you in New York.”

“‘Kay.”

TK looks over his shoulder as he follows his dad towards their gate. He half-expects Carlos to have disappeared, but he’s still there, watching them go. Carlos raises a hand in a tentative goodbye, and TK tries to dig up a smile for him, but there’s nothing there. His well is empty. 

He turns away and resettles his bag on his shoulder as he tries to keep up with his dad. It’s fine. Carlos will understand, and he’ll see him in New York in a few hours anyway.

A fire engine siren wakes him. TK frowns before his eyes even open, because being woken by an engine siren isn’t really a thing that happens much anymore. They hear them sometimes outside the loft in the middle of the night, but not to the extent that he used to hear them in New York City. The frown deepens when he registers the droning tone of it, rather than the piercing wail he’s become used to since moving to Texas. He knows that drone – it was as familiar to him as his own name for the first 26 years of his life.

TK’s eyes flutter open and then he blinks in confusion. The room he’s in is bright, and made brighter by the stark, white walls. There are dark blue curtains to match the comforter, and the mattress is slightly softer than he’s used to. This isn’t home; it isn’t even his dad’s house. 

Hotel, his mind offers, and that at least makes sense. He’s in New York for his mom’s funeral, which… He blinks again and raises a hand to his head as he rolls onto his back. He doesn’t remember it. In fact, the last thing he remembers is Carlos waving goodbye to him at the airport. He definitely didn’t take anything before getting on the plane and he doesn’t feel hungover. Was he so distraught at the funeral that he completely blocked it out? And then what? Forgot the entire day? That doesn’t make sense.

He needs to find Carlos or his dad. They’ll worry if he tells them that he can’t remember anything but at least they’ll be able to fill in the void where his memories should be.

There’s a Steinbeck novel on the other nightstand when TK sits up, with a dog-ear almost two-thirds of the way through. TK stills. Steinbeck novels aren’t really Carlos’s thing, and he’s definitely a bookmark guy, but maybe he picked this one up at the airport. He had a lot of time to kill while waiting for his flight.

He throws the sheets back and slips out of bed, rocking on his toes when he realises there’s no sign of their bags. There’s no bathroom either; this is just a bedroom. Unease curls up his spine until he hears the sound of plates clinking beyond the door. This must be an Airbnb, or one of those apartment hotels. It was probably the closest Carlos could find to the funeral home on such short notice. It doesn’t explain where their bags are, but maybe they just dumped them in the main room yesterday, with everything else that was going on.

He cracks the door open and peeks out into a comfortable, albeit small, living room. There’s a lot more of the white: the couch, the lampshades, the exposed brick wall. Gold throw cushions and the trim around the probably-faux-marble coffee table add accents. Music is playing softly from the part of the room still hidden by the door. He frowns again. Miles Davis. He remembers it from when he and Alex were together, because Alex loved jazz. TK hasn’t heard it since they broke up.

He can’t explain why he doesn’t want to open the door further. There’s no logical reason to be afraid of stepping out of this room, but he is. He can do it, though – he spent seven years throwing himself into danger to help other people. He can definitely leave a bedroom.

It takes another minute to build himself up but he finally manages to steel himself and ease the door open the rest of the way, and he steps into the living room. 

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” a voice behind him says.

TK whirls to face the tiny kitchen and dining area that he hadn’t been able to see before, and he freezes. “Alex?”

His hair is slightly shorter, but it’s definitely him: same casual shirt, same sweet smile. He’s sorting a handful of cutlery into an open drawer without even looking.

Alex raises a bemused eyebrow. “Were you expecting someone else?”

“What are you doing here?”

Alex’s eyes narrow slightly. “I… live here?”

“Where’s–” Something tells him to not say Carlos’s name, even though Carlos is all he wants. “Where’s my dad?”

“Umm… Austin, I assume. Why? Is he finally using some vacation days and coming to visit? I’ll believe it when I see it.” Alex’s mouth turns down into concern. “Are you okay? You’re really pale. I mean, more than usual.”

“Where’s my phone?”

Alex drops the last fork into the drawer and jerks his head towards the end of the kitchen counter, where a phone in a dark green case sits next to an unruly stack of take-out menus. TK almost lunges for it and unlocks it with a press of his thumb. The home screen is a photo of him holding Jonah, a few months younger than he is now. The last time he looked at his phone – yesterday, apparently – it showed a photo of him and Carlos. When he glances at the top of the screen, he sees that the date is correct: it’s the day after his mom’s funeral.

Nothing else is right. His contacts are full of names that he recognises from the 252; none of the 126 are there. His Instagram grid is all New York, and TK at the gym, or out somewhere with his mom. Occasionally there’ll be a photo with Alex. But Carlos is gone, erased like he never existed at all.

TK can’t breathe. He stumbles back and throws a hand out to the wall to catch himself when the backs of his legs collide with the arm of the couch. He drops down onto it, pressing his eyes closed against the dizziness that’s rushing through him.

“TK?” Alex’s voice sounds like it’s coming from somewhere far away. “Should I call 9-1-1? Or your mom?”

“My mom?” TK’s heart pounds. “She’s alive?”

Alex’s mouth drops open. “Of course she’s alive. Why wouldn’t she be?” Then Alex goes very still and he sounds like he’s trying to remain calm when he says, “TK… you had a rough shift yesterday. On the way home did you… stop somewhere? Meet someone?”

It takes a second before he understands what Alex is really asking. “I’m sober. I didn’t take anything or get drunk. I promise.”

Alex’s gaze roams over him but eventually he nods slowly. “Okay.”

TK knows he sounds crazy, and he’s not a hundred percent sure that he isn’t, but he’s not going to figure this out if Alex has him committed or something.

“You’re right – it was a rough shift. I probably had bad dreams or something. I just need to see my mom. I’ll be fine after that.”

Alex doesn’t look convinced. “Maybe I should go with you.”

“No!” TK forces himself to stand, although his knees don’t really feel steady. “I’m okay.”

He retreats to the bedroom before Alex can say anything else and lets the closed door support his weight. He doesn’t know what’s happening or what he should do. He’s not sure that seeing his mom will help, but it definitely won’t hurt. Just yesterday he would have given everything he had to see her one more time. Even if the rest of his life has tipped upside down, at least he can have that.

The closet is mostly full of clothes he doesn’t recognise. The few he does are hoodies that he owned for years, ones that he took to Texas and then lost in the fire that destroyed Carlos’s townhouse. He drags one off a hanger and throws it on over the t-shirt he was sleeping in, then changes his shorts for jeans. Maybe he should shower but he can’t spend another minute in this apartment.

Alex is still in the kitchen when he leaves the bedroom, leaning against the corner of the counter and tapping his phone against a palm. He looks TK up and down and his mouth tightens. “I’m going to let Gwyn know you’re coming.”

TK bristles, even though he knows Alex is just being responsible. If someone TK knew had a history of substance abuse and started behaving this erratically, TK would do the same. It’s just that TK can tell that he’s sober, and also that it’s Alex . If Carlos had expressed such concern, TK wouldn’t mind so much, because he knows that Carlos loves him and wants him to be okay. Or at least he did, in whatever other reality the Carlos who loves him exists in now.

“Sure,” TK says, and checks his pockets for his wallet, keys and phone as he crosses the apartment to the door. “I’ll… bye.”

The closing of the door behind him is a relief, even though it means he now has to face the New York City streets. But that he can do, because they never change, even if everything else does. This building isn’t the one he was living in before he moved to Texas, and it’s not where Alex used to live either, so it takes him a second to orient himself, but he knows how to get to his mom’s building once he knows where he is. It would be quicker to take the subway, but he chooses to walk. It’s easier to stay calm when he’s moving and distracted by the rush of the city.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to say to her. Fuck, he doesn’t even fully believe that she’ll be there when he arrives. How can she be? She’s dead. Except maybe she isn’t, because this is a world in which he doesn’t know anyone from Austin. Even if he and Carlos had broken up, and TK had moved back to New York, there’s no chance he would have cut ties with all his friends, and there’s even less of a chance that he would have ended up back with Alex. Which means he’s never met them here, wherever here is. It’s crazy but it’s the only explanation that makes sense.

Bradley has been one of the doormen for his mom’s building since TK was a kid, and he smiles as soon as TK enters the lobby. Surely he wouldn’t look so cheerful if Mom was dead.

“Hi, Brad.”

“Morning, TK! Your mom called down to let me know you’d be stopping by. You can go right up.”

“Thanks.”

He realises he’s trembling as he waits for the elevator and tries to steady himself as he steps inside and presses the button for her floor. He really doesn’t want her to think he’s relapsed, even if that’s the conclusion she’ll probably come to anyway. He can’t really blame her for that.

His mouth is dry and his palms sweaty as he approaches the door to her apartment. He rubs his hands against his jeans because he’s too scared to knock, and then he jumps when a door opens down the hall and an older man steps out.

The man frowns. “Alright, son? You looking for Gwyn?”

TK clears his throat. “She’s my mom.”

“Oh!” The man’s eyes crease as he smiles. “You must be TK. The firefighter.”

“Yes, sir.”

“You’ve chosen a selfless path. Thank you for your service.” The man waves as he passes and steps into the elevator, and TK is alone again.

His mom is alive. That’s three people now who’ve told him so but it’s still a shock when he knocks on her door, and it swings open, and there she is.

She’s beautiful, even with the sleep-deprived bags under her eyes and a stained dishcloth slung over one shoulder.

“Mom?” His voice wavers and her face falls right before he throws himself into her arms.

She folds him into her and he inhales the scent of her perfume mixed with what smells like pureed apples.

“My sweet boy.” Her hand rubs down the back of his head. “What’s wrong? Alex called me. He was worried.”

He breathes out a slightly hysterical laugh. “I don’t know what’s happening. Everything is wrong.”

“TK–” She’s cut off by a discontented baby’s wail. “Come inside.”

He follows her into the kitchen, where Jonah is strapped into a highchair at the head of the table. Jonah whines but brightens when he sees TK, and lets out a happy-sounding gurgle.

“Here,” Gwyn says, unbuckling Jonah and dumping him into TK’s arms. “Sit and hold your brother. You always feel better holding a baby. Have you eaten?”

She doesn’t wait for a reply before she starts making him toast and coffee. TK lets her do it while he sits and settles Jonah on his lap. He does feel calmer with Jonah’s warm weight cradled against him, and he lets Jonah play with his fingers until Gwyn puts breakfast on the table for him and then takes the seat opposite.

She’s spread a thick layer of peanut butter and cut the toast into triangles, just the way he liked it when he was a kid, and she watches him closely as he bites off one corner.

“I saw you on the news last night. Well, the 252. That young mother who died – so sad. But I heard that her baby lived?”

The toast and peanut butter is suddenly too thick in his mouth and he coughs after he forces himself to swallow it.

“Yeah.” He doesn’t actually know if the baby lived, because he has no memory of what she’s talking about, but it probably wouldn’t have been reported if it wasn’t true.

“And how are you? The calls with kids always hit you harder than others.”

She’s usually less subtle when she digs. The way she’s skirting around the edges, she must not know what to think yet – she needs time to work out her approach.

“I’m not high or drunk or hungover. I didn’t take anything, I swear.”

Her eyes narrow as she studies him and he forces himself not to shrink. She was always the one who could tell when he was high and he watches her shoulders ease when she realises that he’s telling the truth.

“Alex said you seemed confused when you woke up.”

He opens his mouth to try to explain, but he doesn’t know how. She’s gone out on a lot of limbs for him throughout his life, but he doesn’t think she’ll follow him onto this one. Maybe he can tackle the other part of all this, while he works up to the main bit.

“Do you like Alex?”

She laughs. “What?”

“Alex. Do you like him?” He shrugs half-heartedly. “Dad never did.”

“Your father has never liked any of your boyfriends, but he got over it. He didn’t have much choice when you got engaged.”

TK’s heart stutters. “Right. But we’re not married.” He tries not to make it sound too much like a question.

“There’s been a lot happening over the last few years. First your dad moved to Texas, then COVID happened, and then I got pregnant. You’ve had a lot of reasons to put it off. Although…” She arches an eyebrow. “If you find another reason, I’m going to start thinking they’re just excuses and that you don’t really want to marry Alex after all.”

His silence is deafening and she leans forward, stretching a hand across the table towards him. 

“Is this about Alex? Did he do something? Did he hurt you?”

“Not… no.” Not in this life and not the way she means. “It’s not about him.”

“Then what’s going on? What did you mean before when you said everything is wrong? You can tell me anything. I won’t judge.”

He takes a gulp of coffee to stall for a moment longer. She’s not going to let this go and she’ll worry if he leaves without some kind of explanation. There’s just no way she’ll believe him.

“What I’m about to say is going to sound crazy, but I’m not. Just listen to me, okay?”

“Okay.” She folds her hands on the table and gets comfortable.

“Three years ago, I proposed to Alex, but the way I remember it, we broke up. I–” He swallows down the confession of his overdose, because she’ll latch onto it and he doesn’t want to distract her. “I moved to Texas with Dad. We reopened the 126 firehouse together. We built a team and they became like family. And then I met someone else: Carlos. He’s a police officer in Austin. He’s the best person I’ve ever known and we love each other. He asked me to move in with him, but then the house burned down and he bought a loft because I loved it, but I freaked out and we broke up. And then we got back together and he’s… he’s the love of my life, Mom. But he’s not in my phone. None of them are. It’s like they don’t exist and I don’t know what’s happening.”

The only sounds in the room are Jonah babbling to himself and the tick of the antique clock on the wall. After a long moment, Gwyn exhales.

“Sweetheart, it sounds like you had a very elaborate dream, maybe brought on by stress or uncertainty about the future.”

He shakes his head so hard his neck twinges. “It wasn’t a dream. If anything, this is the dream.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re–” He snaps his mouth shut.

“Because I’m what?”

He can’t tell her that she’s supposed to be dead. He’s scared that saying it will make it true and he doesn’t want to freak her out more than he probably already has.

“It doesn’t matter. Something bad happened and I…” His eyes unfocus as he remembers the morning before the flight. “I wished for things to be different.”

Is that what happened? Did he do this? He made a wish and somehow it came true? But this isn’t what he meant, he just wanted his mom to be alive because he wasn’t ready to lose her and he didn’t want Jonah to grow up without a mother. He didn’t want everything to change.

“TK…” Her eyes are gentle when he meets them, and somehow that’s worse than her looking at him like he’s lost his mind. “I’m sure it was a dream. Doesn’t that seem much more likely than any other alternative?”

No, his mind protests. How could it have been a dream when he can so clearly remember the taste of Paul’s chilli and Nancy’s tone of voice when she thinks he’s being stupid? He has a mental map of the drive he takes to work. He knows exactly how it feels to fall asleep with Carlos curled around his back. Is it possible that his mind just made all that up?

“It didn’t feel like a dream.”

She smiles sadly. “The best and worst dreams never do.”

TK deflates and he picks at the rest of his breakfast. Maybe she’s right. The mind is a powerful thing. If his coma-self could conjure up his mother to keep him fighting for life, isn’t it also possible that his subconscious could create a whole other life for him? One in which he’s happy, fulfilled and loved unconditionally? Although, by that logic, the coma never really happened – that would have been part of the dream too. A dream within a dream.

No. It wasn’t a dream. He can feel it in his bones. It doesn’t matter that it shouldn’t be possible and that it doesn’t make sense. Somehow, it’s true. TK wanted things to be different and now they are.

He stays for a while, playing with Jonah while Gwyn cleans the kitchen and then catches up on some work. He leaves after lunch and winds his way through the city until his legs are tired and he can’t put off returning to his apartment anymore. Alex is there when he gets back, stretched out on the couch with an old episode of what looks like The Real Housewives of Somewhere on the TV.

“Hey.” Alex pauses the episode and sits up. “How was Gwyn?”

“Fine. Good.”

TK lingers in the space where the lounge room meets the kitchen, his hands stuffed in his pockets. It feels like he should apologise for his behaviour that morning, but he can’t get the words out. Part of him still doesn’t believe that an Alex exists who might deserve an apology.

“How’s Mitchell?”

Alex frowns. “Who?”

“Mitchell.” TK bites his lip. “He’s a spin cycle instructor.”

Realisation dawns on Alex’s face. “Oh, right.” He shrugs. “I don’t know. I haven’t even thought about him in years. I didn’t know you still did.”

“So nothing ever happened between you two?”

“No!” Alex shifts to the edge of the couch but doesn’t get up when TK takes a step away. “We talked about this: I went to a few classes, he flirted with me. I told him I wasn’t interested and I stopped going. That’s all. Is that why you were being so weird this morning? Did you see him yesterday or something?”

Maybe Gwyn was right. Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe he’s going to be like those people he reads about on social media, who have dreams about their boyfriends cheating on them and wake up angry and hold it against them all day. That’s not what this feels like, though. He looks at Alex and doesn’t feel anything at all: not love, not anger, not even heartbreak.

“I need to go to Texas.”

Alex bursts into a laugh that dies away when TK doesn’t join in. “What?”

“I need to go to Texas.” He heads into the bedroom, the one with the queen-sized bed that he absolutely cannot share with Alex tonight, and opens the closet to start dragging clothes out.

“Why?” Alex trails after him but stops at the bedroom door.

“There are people I need to see.”

“What people? The only person you know in Texas is your dad.”

“Well, then I need to see my dad.” He digs a suitcase out of the bottom of the closet and throws his clothes into it.

“What about work?”

That makes him pause. He knows how lucky is, having had his dad and Tommy as captains, who always understood that sometimes things come up, but the TK who exists in this universe doesn’t work for his dad or Tommy. The name listed under “Captain” in his phone is his dad’s former lieutenant, and she’s known TK for years. It’s not the same as working for his dad or Tommy, but he thinks she’ll cut him some slack.

“I’ll take personal leave.”

“Don’t you need approval for that?”

Yes, but he can handle that while he waits for a flight. He doesn’t think the request will be rejected, but if it is, he has a couple of days before his next shift anyway. He can always fly back to New York if he needs to. He’s not sure why he cares so much about looking after a job that isn’t even really his, but if he ends up stuck in this new reality, he at least wants to have a job to come back to.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with it.”

“TK!” Alex sounds so desperate that TK has to stop and look at him. “Can you just stop for a minute and tell me what’s going on? Where is this coming from? You wake up this morning and act like you have no idea who I am, your mom calls and tells me something about a weird dream you had, and now you want to drop everything to fly halfway across the country, and you won’t even tell me why. You understand how that looks, right?”

TK’s gaze drops to the inside of his suitcase, which is packed so haphazardly that he’s not even sure it will close properly. Of course he knows how this looks. He knows what Alex thinks is going on, despite what Gwyn apparently told him, and TK would probably think the same if the roles were reversed. But what is TK supposed to say? His own mother didn’t believe him, and he can’t even blame her for it because he knows how insane his story sounds.

He takes a deep breath and faces Alex head-on. There’s only one thing he can do, the only thing he knows for certain is the right thing, even though he also knows that Alex won’t understand.

“We need to break up.”

Alex’s face goes slack. “Well, now I know something’s wrong.”

It’s on the tip of his tongue to say that nothing’s wrong, but he bites the words back because Alex is right: everything is wrong, just not in the way he thinks.

“I’m sorry,” he says instead. “I know this is a shock.”

It’s true, but it’s still nothing like the shock that TK got when Alex broke up with him during TK’s proposal. TK wants to hold it against him and walk out without any further explanation, but as far as he knows, this Alex hasn’t done anything wrong. It wouldn’t be fair to hold the actions of his alternate self against him.

“A shock? Two days ago you kissed me goodbye before you left for your shift and mentioned a new restaurant that you wanted us to try. I don’t understand. What changed between then and now?”

“I don’t love you. I was… going through the motions, trying to make it work, but I can’t anymore.”

There’s no way to tell how true this is. Maybe the TK who existed in this world yesterday did love Alex, but he’s gone and the TK who’s here now can’t love him when he knows how it feels to love Carlos.

Alex looks stunned and a shot of guilt flashes through TK. It doesn’t last long. This is the right thing to do. TK wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with Alex even if Carlos wasn’t a factor. It just sucks that TK can’t explain it in a way that Alex will accept.

“Maybe we just need some space,” Alex says. “You can go to Texas and we can talk about it when you get back.”

TK shakes his head. “No. It’s over. I’m sorry that I can’t give you a better reason, but I can’t make you happy and you can’t make me happy either. This is for the best.”

He throws the rest of his things into his suitcase and manages to zip it closed. Alex is visibly lost and confused as TK passes him, but he steps back and doesn’t stop TK from leaving. He never thought he’d be in a position again to be grateful to Alex, but he is now.

He doesn’t look back as he leaves the apartment, or even as he steps out of the building. He just flags down a cab and asks the driver to take him to JFK. He looks for flights during the drive and gets lucky: there’s one leaving in a couple of hours that will get him to Austin in the early evening, Austin-time. He buys a one-way ticket and then sends a leave request to his captain. Hopefully she’ll put it through and he won’t have to make this trip in reverse in two days.

Gwyn calls while he’s buying snacks and a book for the flight. He’s not really hungry and he doesn’t expect the book to hold his attention long, but they’re better than spending the four-hour flight stuck in his own head.

“Hey, Mom,” he says, as he tosses up between Skittles and Reese’s Cups. “I know you’re freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out.” Her voice has that tight, controlled undertone that it gets when she’s freaking out. “I’m just worried about you. Alex called me.”

“Yeah, I figured he would.” He decides to just get both, because Skittles and Reese’s are very different, and who knows what he’ll want once he’s in the air. “I promise I’m fine.”

“He said that you broke up with him and that you’re going to Texas. That doesn’t sound fine.”

“Well, I am. I know it’s been a weird day but you have to trust me. This is the right thing to do.”

“Based on a dream?”

Maybe it is a dream, but not in the way she means. Maybe it’s more like hope.

“I guess so. I’ll let you know when I land, okay? You have to let me do this.”

It’s a lot to ask of her, especially considering the holes she’s pulled him out of in the past, but the only way to prove that he’s alright is to show her.

She sighs and he can imagine what she looks like: eyes pressed closed, a palm to her forehead. He’s caused her so much stress and worry over the course of his life. It’s not fair, and it’s the only thing that makes him consider throwing this idea away and going back to her apartment. But he can’t do it. Apart from her and Jonah, everything he loves most in the world is in Texas, and he’s never been good at denying himself what he wants.

“Okay,” she breathes. “But I’m calling your father to let him know you’re on your way.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to you soon. Love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

Her words echo through him as they end the call and stay with him throughout the flight. What kind of son is he? He’s in this position because he didn’t want to lose her, and the minute he gets her back, he hops on a plane to fly 1500 miles away to go see the guy he loves. Overwhelm is the only explanation he has. Carlos is one of the steadiest things in his life, if not the steadiest. He’s like the weight that keeps TK tethered to the ground when he starts being carried away by everything else that’s going on. If he can just get to Carlos, maybe all of this will start feeling more manageable.

There’s a message from his dad waiting on his phone when he lands in Austin, saying that he’s working a shift but TK should come to the firehouse when he lands, and then he lists the address because he has no reason to believe that TK already knows it. TK collects his bag, orders an Uber and sends his mom a photo of himself in front of a sign that loudly proclaims that he’s arrived in Austin. She replies with ♥️🤠 and he laughs, because isn’t that a perfect summary of why he’s here in the first place.

He didn’t realise he’d been carrying so much tension in his shoulders all day until it eases as downtown Austin comes into view. He wants to tell the driver to take him home instead, because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to breathe properly until he’s back in the loft, with its exposed brick walls and concrete floors, which shouldn’t be warm but are. He doesn’t say anything. His dad is expecting him and his mom is trusting him to be where he says he’s going to be. He can wait a little longer.

The light spilling out of the firehouse is bright when the Uber drops him off, and a cheesy smell that he recognises as Paul’s lasagna wafts through the bay. The rig is in its usual place to the left and there are legs visible under the open back doors. TK approaches eagerly, Nancy’s name already on his lips until Pearce Risher steps out from behind the door and TK pulls up short.

“Pearce?”

Pearce jumps and turns to him with a frown, which deepens as he studies TK. “Do I know you?”

Right. Because this Pearce has never met him. In fact, the only person in this building who’s met TK is his dad.

“Uhhh… no. Sorry. I’m TK Strand. My dad must have mentioned you.”

Pearce still looks suspicious. “Captain Strand is your dad?”

“Yep. He’s expecting me.”

“Who’s this?” Nancy appears from the other side of the rig, a box of gloves in hand.

“TK Strand,” Pearce tells her, over his shoulder. “Captain Strand’s son.”

“Oh, right.” Nancy drops the box onto a nearby counter. “I overheard Judd telling Cap he was coming to visit.” She approaches with a friendly smile and her hand outstretched. “Hi, I’m Nancy.”

He can’t tell her that he knows, that they’ve been kidnapped together, that he knows what she likes to snack on during game nights. If he’s honest, part of him was expecting his friends to instantly recognise him, even if they’ve never met before in this reality. Seeing that Nancy has no idea who he is beyond Captain Strand’s son makes his chest ache.

He forces a smile and grips her hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Your dad is in the kitchen,” she says and jerks a thumb over her shoulder. “Just back there.”

“Thanks.” 

He steps past them and they return to restocking the bus, but they don’t speak to him or to each other. It’s nothing like the near-constant chatter that TK and Nancy engage in while they work and he can’t deny that he’s smugly pleased.

Laughter pulls him towards the kitchen, which is populated by his dad, Captain Vega, Judd, Paul, Marjan and Mateo. Before TK can announce himself, there’s a deep bark and the scrabbling of claws, and then Buttercup comes bounding around the table towards him.

“Buttercup!” TK drops to his knees and wraps his arms around the dog’s neck. Buttercup’s tail is wagging so hard that his whole rear end is wriggling. At least someone in this reality is happy to see him.

“It’s like he already knows you,” Owen’s voice says overhead and TK looks up at him. There’s a smile on his dad’s face but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

With a final scratch behind Buttercup’s ears, TK rises to his feet and steps into his dad’s hug. He smells faintly of smoke in that way he always does, because there’s no washing it out completely, no matter how hard you try. It’s a comforting smell when it’s attached to his dad.

Owen squeezes the back of TK’s neck as they part and then Owen slings an arm across TK’s shoulders to turn him to face the group.

“Everyone, this is my son, TK. One of New York’s finest.”

There’s a chorus of polite but impersonal hellos, and there isn’t so much as a flicker of vague recognition on any of their faces.

“Cap told us that you once rescued someone from the 40th floor of the Chrysler Building,” Mateo says.

“Actually,” Owen raises a finger, “it was the 44th.”

TK blushes and ducks his head to murmur, “Dad–”

“What?” Owen rubs between TK’s shoulder blades. “I’m not allowed to be proud? You’re a great firefighter!”

“Thanks.” TK’s mouth twists. “But you don’t need to brag.”

He doesn’t want his dad to brag about him, not in front of these particular people. In another life, they respect and love him because of who he is and what he’s experienced with them. Now, he doesn’t want them to feel like they’re expected to be impressed.

“What brings you to Austin, TK?” Tommy asks with a kind smile.

Owen tenses subtly at his side and TK wonders what his mom told him. To Tommy, he shrugs. “Just needed to get out of the city.”

Tommy nods in understanding. “Well, Austin has a lot to offer. Let us know if there’s anywhere you’re interested in, or if you’re looking for something in particular.”

“Yeah,” Paul says, “we’re happy to show you around while you’re here. The food is great and there’s a lot of fun nightlife, if that’s more your speed.”

“Thanks,” TK says, already knowing he’s not going to take Paul up on the offer. There’s something unbearable about the thought of being shown around like a tourist by people that TK learned this city with in the first place.

Owen claps him on the shoulder. “Let’s go up to my office. We can talk.”

TK nods in relief and waves awkwardly as he follows his dad up the stairs. The group immediately returns to their previous conversation but at least Buttercup sticks to TK’s side.

Owen waves TK into his office and then closes the door behind them before propping himself on the edge of his desk. “…So. Your mother called.”

“Yeah.” TK wanders to the window that overlooks the lower floor and looks down. This late in the day, after dinner, most people are enjoying some down time before the next call comes in or they’re tired enough to sleep, whichever comes first. Marjan and Mateo are dealing out some kind of card game, and Paul is settling in with a book. “What did she say?”

“Oh, something about a dream you had that’s made you reconsider all your life choices. And that you broke up with Alex.”

There’s something dismissive about his tone that makes TK glance back at him. “Mom told me that you like Alex.”

“Eh. He’s fine. Definitely not the worst person you’ve ever dated. Just… fine. If he made you genuinely happy and you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him, well, I could live with that. But I never felt like he lit you up. You need a spark, TK, like me and your mom.”

TK huffs and turns away from the window to sink into one of the chairs in front of the desk. Buttercup immediately lays his chin on TK’s knee.

“You and Mom got divorced.”

“Not because the spark went away!”

There’s a spark with Carlos. There always was. He could feel it even when he was burying his head in the sand.

“I’m here to see Carlos.”

For a moment, Owen looks confused at what to him must seem like a complete change of direction. Then he says, “Who?”

“Carlos.” When Owen still looks stumped, he tries, “Reyes?”

“Officer Reyes?”

“Yeah, do you not…?”

He means to ask if Owen knows him, but then he realises that there’s no reason he would. They clearly still interact professionally, but Carlos’s personal interactions with Owen and the rest of the 126 happened as a result of his relationship with TK. In a universe where TK never moved to Texas, there’s nothing to tie Carlos and the 126 together outside of calls now that Michelle is gone.

“How do you know Officer Reyes?” Owen asks.

He’s reluctant to tell his dad about his “real life”, not because of his mom’s reaction, but because his dad’s will be different. Despite not believing him, Gwyn could humour him enough to talk about it, even if just as a dream. But Owen will worry. He’ll watch TK like a hawk and he’ll get involved the second he thinks TK is in over his head. Which he might already be, in fairness, but for now he wants to handle it alone. He’s just not exactly sure what “it” is – is he trying to get back home? Is he just trying to get to Carlos? Will one lead to the other? Maybe he’ll wake up tomorrow back in his real life and this will be the crazy dream he can tell people.

In response to his dad’s question, TK says, “Instagram.”

Owen raises an eyebrow. “Instagram.”

“Yeah. When you moved down here, I searched around for accounts to see what it’s like. Carlos shares a lot of ranch photos.” At least that last part is true, although maybe not in this reality, but his dad doesn’t have Instagram anyway. “I followed him and we started talking.”

Owen’s brow furrows. “He’s never mentioned that he knows you.”

“Not everything in my life involves you, Dad.”

“Clearly.”

“Just don’t tell him I’m here, okay? If you see him? I want it to be a surprise.”

“And far be it from me to ruin a surprise you flew halfway across the country for.”

“Exactly.” TK stands before Owen can ask any more questions. “It’s been a long day and I’m tired so–”

“Right!” Owen claps his hands and rounds the desk to open one of the drawers. He pulls out a key that he holds out to him. “For the house. Judd usually keeps it, just in case, but you can use it while you’re in town. Mateo obviously has a key too, but he needs his.”

TK is frozen as he stares down at the key. He must have realised on some level that this is how it would be, but all he’s been thinking about is going home to the loft. Now he realises how stupid that was. There is no loft. Or there is, but it’s not his. It might not even be Carlos’s, if the townhouse never burned down, and that might not have happened if Owen and Gabriel didn’t work together to bring down that arsonist. TK’s never thought of himself as particularly important in the grand scheme of things, so it’s a shock to realise the ripple effects of his coming to Austin.

“I did tell you Mateo lives with me, right?” Owen asks, because that’s obviously the only possible issue here.

“Mhm.” TK stuffs the key into his pocket. “Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Call if you need anything.”

TK gives Buttercup one final pat and leaves with a wave over his shoulder. No one says anything to him as he walks back through the building, although Nancy does shoot him a polite smile. He waits for his Uber on the corner of the block, because he can’t bear to stand outside the doors where everyone could see him, and he prays that they don’t get called out until after he’s been picked up. There’s something humiliating about the thought of them all seeing him standing there alone while they all drive past.

He just needs to find Carlos, he thinks as his ride approaches. Everything will be fine after that.

TK sleeps fitfully, trapped in dreams where he returns to his real life but no one there recognises him either, not even his parents. By the time he wakes, he feels like he hasn’t slept at all. He recognises his dad’s guest room, but he still reaches for his phone to see if the numbers for his friends have reappeared in his contacts. They haven’t, and Alex and people from the 252 are still listed in their place, so he obviously didn’t return to his real life in his sleep. At least his captain has let him know that his personal leave has been approved.

He slumps back to his pillow with a sigh but then his head pops back up when he hears a scratching at his door. Buttercup, his mind supplies, because his dad and Mateo are probably already back from their shift. He gets up to open the door and Buttercup slips into the room the moment the gap is wide enough, and then hops onto the bed. He lies down on Carlos’s side, the same way he did when TK was living with his dad after he and Carlos broke up, and watches TK so expectantly that TK can’t help but remember his dad’s words from the night before: It’s like he already knows you.

TK climbs onto the bed beside him and takes Buttercup’s face in his hands. “Do you know me?” he murmurs.

Buttercup lets out a low, huffing bark, which doesn’t answer the question, but – and maybe this is just wishful thinking – it does feel like Buttercup recognises him. It won’t help him even if it is somehow true, but it’s comforting that there’s someone in this reality who knows that he doesn’t really belong here.

He presses a kiss to the top of Buttercup’s head and then gathers his things to take a shower. It’s Saturday, which means it’s a farmers’ market day. He and Carlos usually go on Saturdays if they both have the day off, and TK wants the routine of it, even if Carlos won’t be there. Or maybe he will be. TK’s stomach swoops. As much as he wants to see Carlos, he’s nervous about it too, like he would have been for a first date if they hadn’t spent all those weeks hooking up first.

He decides to take Buttercup with him and leaves a note for his dad in the kitchen. Buttercup immediately endears himself to the Uber driver with one long look from his big, dark eyes. When they get to the market, it doesn’t take long for Buttercup to be distracted by all the sights and smells, and TK’s original plan for a casual wander through the stalls instead turns into a fight not to be dragged along in Buttercup’s wake. He’s just got the dog back under control near a stall selling organic honey when Buttercup barks and surges forward so suddenly that the leash slips out of TK’s hands.

People leap out of the way as Buttercup bounds through the crowd with TK chasing after him, until Buttercup comes to a halt beside a man standing at a stall selling hot, jelly doughnuts. At first TK thinks it was the doughnuts that called to Buttercup, which TK could appreciate, but then the man turns to look at the dog and–

TK gasps. “Carlos?”

Carlos looks up at him in surprise. He looks good in a light blue denim shirt, dark jeans and boots. His hair is shorter than TK has seen it recently, more like it was when they met, but it’s still him.

“Sorry,” Carlos says, “have we met?”

This isn’t right. Carlos is supposed to know him. TK doesn’t know why he assumed Carlos would, because no one else has recognised him so far, but he had thought that Carlos would look at him and just know. But Carlos is tense and wary, which makes sense considering a guy he doesn’t know has run up and said his name. The connection between them must still be there, though – it was always there, from the very first moment they met. Surely that connection would transcend realities. Maybe Carlos’s brain doesn’t know who TK is, but his heart must.

“No,” TK says and grabs Buttercup’s leash. Now that he’s apparently achieved his objective, Buttercup is sitting calm and quiet at their feet. “Sorry. I’m TK, my dad’s the captain of the 126 firehouse.”

“Oh.” Carlos’s expression clears, but only slightly. “Captain Strand. I know him, but not well.”

TK scrambles. Carlos is much less likely to accept a weak answer than his dad was, which TK has always appreciated until now, when it’s being used against him.

“I think Michelle Blake told him about you, and he mentioned you to me. There’s a photo of the two of you in the firehouse.”

It’s on a pinboard in the lounge area. The firefighters and paramedics put photos on it of their families and friends, and Michelle didn’t take the photo with her when she left, which was fine with TK. He had endless photos of Carlos in his phone, but there was something different about seeing his face on the wall in a hard-copy.

“I shouldn’t have used your name out of nowhere like that,” TK continues. “I was running after Buttercup and I recognised you and it just came out.”

Carlos’s face is blank, the way it gets when he’s thinking something through. TK knows his explanation is flimsy at best but eventually Carlos’s mouth quirks into a smile and TK releases a silent sigh of relief.

“It’s okay,” Carlos says and reaches down to rub between Buttercup’s ears. “I take it this is Buttercup.”

“Yeah. He doesn’t usually run off like that.” TK stuffs an awkward hand into his back pocket. “He must like you. He’s a very good judge of character.”

“Is that so?”

“Mhm. He loved me as soon as he met me.”

“Probably because he could tell how easily he could give you the slip.”

TK squawks in outrage, but it turns into a laugh. He thinks he might light up with joy when Carlos chuckles. The connection is still there, he knows it is.

“So, I’m new in town. Maybe you could–” 

Before he can ask Carlos to show him around this farmers’ market, another man stops beside them. He’s maybe an inch taller than Carlos, and looks a few years older, with hair so dark brown it’s almost black. He’s not as broad as Carlos, but he’s still built like he spends a lot of time at the gym. He’s holding a candle in a glass jar in one blunt-fingered hand.

“I found more of those candles you like,” the man says, and now TK knows how Andrea and Gabriel felt when they ran into him and Carlos at this very same farmers’ market, because he can immediately tell that Carlos and this man are a couple.

It’s not about the way they occupy the same space, it’s more about the subtle way Carlos shifts his weight to put space between them. It’s about the tightness around his eyes and mouth. It’s about the way Carlos suddenly can’t meet TK’s gaze, like he’s worried about what TK might think. But TK can’t think of anything except for how it feels like he’s dying inside.

The new guy doesn’t look bothered and just sends a smile TK’s way. “Hey, man.”

“This is TK,” Carlos says. “His dad is a firefighter I work with sometimes.” He waves a hand towards the man. “This is my friend Robbie.”

Robbie. What kind of name is that anyway? Is he five?

Robbie extends a hand that TK forces himself to shake. He has smile lines etched around his eyes.

“And who’s this?” Robbie reaches down to Buttercup but he startles back when Buttercup growls.

TK tries not to let his pleasure show on his face and just replies, “Buttercup.”

“Guess he doesn’t like me,” Robbie says with a laugh.

Carlos frowns, his eyes darting from Robbie, to Buttercup, and then up to TK, who just shrugs and hopes it looks casual.

“Carlos and I were going to have lunch,” Robbie says. “You’re welcome to join us if–”

“No.” 

The last thing he wants to do is be a third wheel for alternate-reality Carlos and his boyfriend. It sounds like psychological torture, even though he knows Carlos well enough to know that they wouldn’t do anything to make TK uncomfortable. 

“I have to get going.” TK takes a step back. He can’t stand the thought of watching them walk away together, with Robbie at Carlos’s side where TK should be.

“It was nice meeting you,” Carlos says.

It’s a perfectly reasonable and polite thing to say, but it stabs into TK like a knife. The realisation that he’s a stranger here hits him like it never has before. No one here knows him, not even Carlos. He’s just Captain Strand’s son, visiting from New York. They don’t love him; they don’t even care about him. His dad had to brag about his exploits like he’s a child that needs help making friends on the playground. Carlos is here at the farmers’ market with a boyfriend who isn’t TK; he’ll probably take Robbie home with him, cook him dinner, curl up with him in front of the TV to watch a show before they go up to bed together. TK’s chest tightens and he knows he has to leave.

“You too,” he says and then turns away, almost dragging Buttercup with him as he tries not to make it too obvious that he’s running away.

He makes the mistake of looking back. Neither Carlos nor Robbie are watching him go. Instead, they’ve stepped closer to each other and Robbie has a hand on Carlos’s forearm as he leans in to speak into Carlos’s ear. There’s a comfortable ease between them that says they’ve been together for a while.

His breaths become increasingly shuddery as he ploughs back through the crowd to the exit. He’s not going to cry here in the middle of a group of strangers. He does cry as soon as he’s on the street, though, and he turns blindly away from the farmers’ market to start walking. It’s too far to walk back to his dad’s house but he can’t stay here either, especially with his eyes red with tears. Carlos and Robbie might find him and what would they think? Carlos would definitely stop to ask if he’s okay and there’s no way for TK to answer that.

Buttercup has to pick up his pace to keep up, and he whines as they walk.

“I hope that’s an apology,” TK says. “None of this would have happened if you hadn’t run up to him.”

Buttercup whines again and TK’s heart aches. There’s a bench on the sidewalk that TK slumps onto when they reach it, and he leans down to wrap his arms around Buttercup’s neck and hide his tears in Buttercup’s fur.

“I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault.”

The way TK’s luck is going, he probably would have stumbled across Carlos himself if Buttercup hadn’t led him right to him. Or maybe he would have seen Carlos and Robbie together beforehand. It would have sucked either way.

He’s startled by his phone vibrating in his pocket and he wipes his cheeks dry as he digs it out. The caller ID shows Mom. She’s probably calling to see how he’s doing after he blew up his life yesterday, at least as far as she knows.

He clears his throat before he answers. “Hi, Mom.”

“Hi, honey. How are you? How’s Texas?”

“I’m good. It’s good. Big. Warm.”

She hums, because she can always tell when he’s not being entirely honest and he’s not helping himself right now.

“Did you go to the firehouse?”

“Yeah. Everyone was… really nice.” Like strangers being polite to their boss’s kid sits on the tip of his tongue.

“Of course they were. Your father has many flaws, but he’s always hired good people.” She falls silent, breathing down the phone while TK rubs between Buttercup’s ears. “Are you okay? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

Trying to lie would be useless. She would push a few times and then let it go if he really insisted he was fine, but they would both know the truth. He doesn’t have the energy to lie anyway. He’s already told her about his real life, and she might not have believed him but she still knows it, and she’s the only one who does.

“He’s in love with someone else.”

“Alex?”

“No!” He almost laughs at how this table has turned, but he’s worried he’ll start crying again. “Carlos.”

“Carl–? Oh. The police officer? You had another dream about him?”

“No. I just talked to him at this farmers’ market we usually visit together, but this time he’s here with another guy because I never moved to Austin, so we never met. He doesn’t even know who I am.”

“Are you sure it’s not just someone who looks like the man you dreamed about?”

“Of course I’m sure! He’s real! I told you it wasn’t a dream.”

“I know you did, but…”

“But you still think I’m crazy?” he says into the silence.

“Of course not. But an alternate reality? It’s not the likeliest option, is it? If it is true, why would you have come here in the first place? What you told me yesterday about your other life sounds like it was pretty ideal.”

Almost perfect is what he would have called it, at least before she died. Now it would be significantly less than that, and he must have known it because he wished for things to be different. But now they are and he’s just as unhappy as he was before.

“Let’s say,” she continues, when he doesn’t say anything, “that what you’re saying is true. What are you going to do about it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you going to stay here or are you going to go back?”

“I don’t know if I can go back.”

“Of course you can go back.” She says it like this is a completely reasonable thing to be talking about. “In all the books and movies, people who end up in the wrong place can always go back. They usually just have to learn something first.”

What he’s learned so far is that he’s destined to be unhappy no matter what he does or how hard he tries. Hasn’t he done enough to earn some good karma? Doesn’t he deserve a happy family that’s healthy and whole?

“Won’t you miss me?”

Her laugh is bright. “I doubt it. I assume my TK will be back like it never happened.”

Right. Because there must be another TK floating around out there somewhere, if TK is here living Other TK’s life. Maybe he blinked and when his eyes opened he found himself at his mother’s funeral. As much as TK is glad that he didn’t have to live through that himself, he’s sorry that Other TK had to do it instead.

Or maybe it doesn’t work like that. Maybe this reality exists because TK wished it into being. Maybe there is no other TK, and it’s just him who’s slipped into a different timeline.

Either way, Gwyn won’t miss him if he goes back to his real life, but he’ll still miss her. If he leaves here, he’ll never speak to her again.

“And if I stay,” he says, “won’t you miss your TK?”

“Oh, my sweet boy. You’re my son. I love every version of you that’s ever existed, and every version that ever will. That’s true in every universe.”

“I love you too.” 

Although she probably notices the way his voice trembles, she thankfully doesn’t call him on it. Instead, she asks, “Are you coming back to New York?”

He should. There’s nothing for him here. He should cut his losses. But he built a home here; he was happier in Austin than he ever was in New York. If that was true before, couldn’t it be true again? There’s no way to know if there’s another TK living his life, but if he’s the only one, and this is the only universe that exists, doesn’t he owe it to people to stay? Carlos isn’t his here, and none of his friends know him, but Gwyn is still alive. Jonah will grow up with his mother, Owen and Enzo won’t lose her, and neither will TK. And if there is another TK out there, well… he gets to go home to Carlos. Other TK doesn’t even know yet how lucky he is. On balance, TK is the only one who loses in this situation. It’s for the greater good; it’s what Carlos would do.

“I’m going to stay for a little while,” he says. “Give Alex some time to sort his shit out.”

“Okay. You can stay with Jonah and me until you find somewhere else to live. Unless you think we’d be cramping your style.”

He laughs, relieved that it feels a bit more genuine. “Trust me: at this point, I have no style left to cramp.”

“Then I guess we’ll need to add some.” In the background, Jonah wails. Gwyn sighs, but it’s good-natured. “I have to go. I’m going to keep checking up on you, but call if you need to.”

“I will. Thanks, Mom.”

They say goodbye and TK hangs up feeling better than he did before. It’s all still pretty shit in general, but it’s not so bad right now. Talking to his mom always helps put things in perspective. He just needs to hold onto that perspective for as long as possible.

He and Buttercup get an Uber back to his dad’s house, which is quiet when he arrives. He startles when he walks into the kitchen and finds Catherine perched on an island stool, typing something on her phone. He barely stops himself greeting her by name, so maybe he’s finally getting used to being in this reality.

She glances up and does a double-take before she smiles. “Hi! You must be TK. I’m Catherine, your dad’s friend.”

He shakes the hand she extends to him. “Girlfriend.”

“Right.” She chuckles, but it sounds a bit self-deprecating. “I always feel like we’re a bit old for words like that. It’s nice to meet you. Owen’s told me all about you.”

“Yeah, same.” It’s the polite thing to say, even if TK isn’t sure it’s true. Even in his real life, Owen never shared much about his relationships with TK, and TK largely preferred it that way.

“Owen told me you’re visiting for a while. How are you liking Austin?”

Before TK can reply, Owen comes down the stairs and beams when he sees TK standing in the kitchen.

“Hey, kiddo! How was your morning? Go anywhere interesting?”

TK slides his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “Just the farmers’ market.”

“Oh,” says Catherine, “they’re great here. You can find some really nice stuff.”

Carlos said something similar the first time he took TK with him. TK had never been to a farmers’ market before but now he’s a convert. It’s weird, now, pretending that it’s all new to him, but that’s what he’s signing up for if he stays here.

“There was a lot of variety,” he says. “Maybe I’ll have to be more adventurous with my cooking while I’m here.”

Owen claps him on the shoulder. “Sounds like a plan.” Then he grimaces. “I’m sorry to abandon you so soon but Catherine and I have lunch plans.”

“You’re welcome to join us,” Catherine says. “I hate to interrupt your time together.”

“No,” TK waves a hand, “it’s okay. There’s nothing more awkward than being a third wheel on your dad’s lunch date.”

Owen winces, probably remembering the time TK ended up on a date with him and Lorraine. That one time was more than enough for both of them.

“We’ll hang out another time,” Owen says and then pats his pockets to make sure he has everything he needs. “Mateo’s out with Paul and Marjan but I can call one of them. I’m sure they’d be happy to meet you somewhere and–”

“No!” He holds up a hand to stop Owen pulling out his phone. “I did a lot of walking this morning. I’m just gonna make some lunch and chill. Watch a movie or something.”

Owen studies him carefully. “Alright. If you’re sure?”

“I’m sure. You two go. Have fun.”

Catherine repeats that it was nice to meet him and they all say their goodbyes, and then the door closes behind them and they’re gone. The house is completely silent and TK slumps back onto a stool. Nearby, Buttercup lowers himself to the floor and rests his head on his paws with a sigh.

“Yeah,” TK says. “You’re right about that.”

After scouring his dad’s kitchen for anything worth eating, he orders Thai food for lunch and parks himself on the couch. The movie he puts on doesn’t do much to distract him, so he eats and scrolls on his phone, which isn’t much better because his social media is full of people and accounts he doesn’t know. It does at least give him a chance to unfollow and block Alex everywhere, but he can’t work up the courage to follow any of his friends. Mostly because they’re not friends in this reality. He could probably get away with following Marjan, but it would be her public account, not the private one he follows in his real life. That feels worse than not following her at all.

He’s still feeling sorry for himself a couple of hours later when the door opens again. He thinks it’s his dad, back from his date with Catherine, until he hears Paul laugh and realises it’s Mateo, Paul and Marjan.

He pushes himself out of the slouch he’d sunken into and props himself up with an elbow on the back of the couch, trying to look like he’s been watching the baseball game he really put on just to fill the silence.

“Oh!” Mateo says. “Hey, man!”

TK waits a split second before he looks up, as if he was distracted and didn’t even hear them come in. “Hey.”

“Have you been sitting here alone?” Marjan asks, looking around as if Owen will jump out from behind a plant or something.

“Of course not. I have Buttercup.” It sounds a lot sadder than TK meant it to, but it’s too late now.

“How was your first day in Austin?” Paul asks.

TK wants to say Terrible but doesn’t, because there’s no way to explain that the love of his life is dating someone else because he didn’t know that TK exists until about four hours ago.

“Pretty quiet. I went to the farmers’ market this morning and then my dad went on a date so I’ve just been hanging out.”

“Oh!” Paul grins and drops onto the other end of the couch. “I love the farmers’ market. If you’re still in town, you’re welcome to join me the next time I go.”

“Thanks. Maybe I will.” He already knows he won’t. Nothing against Paul, but TK can’t imagine going to the farmers’ market with anyone but Carlos.

“How long are you going to be in town?” Marjan asks, turning an island stool to face them.

It’s hard not to hear it as How long until you get out of our hair and we don’t have to entertain the cap’s son anymore?, even though TK knows that’s not what she means.

“I don’t know. I broke up with someone right before I left for the airport so I’m not in a rush to get back.”

Marjan looks uncertain for a second, like she’s not sure what to do with that. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. He’s not the one for me.”

“There are plenty more fish in the sea,” Mateo says. “That’s how it goes, right? Maybe he’s even here in Austin.”

TK barely stifles a sigh. If Mateo only knew.

“You should come out with us one night!” Mateo continues. “There’s this bar we all go to sometimes. It’s pretty fun.”

“Like a honky-tonk bar?”

“Yeah! Have you ever been to one?”

“In Manhattan?” Paul asks incredulously. “Mateo–”

TK chuckles. “I have been to one. Not in Manhattan, though.”

They used to go all the time before COVID happened. TK assumes that they all intended to go back once everything reopened and it was safer, but by then they were in the habit of meeting at Carlos’s house. Then Nancy joined the group and they realised that it was more fun playing Catan and trash-talking each other over their own snacks instead of vying for space in a bar with music that was too loud and a bathroom they had to queue for.

“Then you should definitely come,” Marjan says. “They do line dancing and everything. None of us are very good but we like to try. Give me your phone.” She thrusts out a hand and then beckons with her fingers when he apparently takes too long. “There,” she says after putting in her number and calling herself. “I’ll let you know when we’re going next and you can come with us.”

He takes his phone back and taps it in the palm of his hand. “It’s nice of you all to be so friendly, but you don’t have to do that. I know I’m just your boss’s kid.”

“Nah,” Paul says, “you’re cool. Honestly, it kinda feels like we already know you from somewhere, but maybe that’s just because Cap talks about you all the time.”

TK’s stomach flutters. On any other day it might be just a turn of phrase – like we already know you from somewhere – but today it’s more than that. Maybe Paul really doesn’t mean anything by it, but isn’t it possible that something seeped through from TK’s reality into this one? And if it’s affecting Paul, even in a small way, couldn’t it also affect Carlos? Maybe the situation isn’t completely hopeless after all.

“Thanks,” he says. “Let me know when you’re going out next. I’ll be there.”

Marjan might be the only millennial in the world who prefers to call instead of text, and TK’s known this for years, but he’s still surprised when his phone rings a few days later and the caller ID shows her name.

“We’re all going out tonight after our shift,” she says, instead of a greeting. “I’ll text you the address and you can meet us there.”

“Sure. The regular crew?” The words are out of his mouth before he can think about them, but she doesn’t seem to find it strange that he thinks there’s a “regular crew”.

“Me, you, Paul and Mateo. Judd might drop by with his wife. Not sure about Cap.”

“What about Nancy?”

She pauses. “Nancy?”

“You don’t hang out with Nancy?”

“Not really. Medical kinda does their own thing.”

It’s been months since TK and Carlos had that talk about Fire being “the cool kids”, and since Carlos rightly pointed out that Nancy and Tim had been excluded from their hangouts, but the guilt rolls through him just as strongly now as it did then. 

“You should invite her. She seems cool.”

“If we invite Nancy we’ll have to invite Pearce.” Marjan falls silent for a second and TK winces, because socialising with Pearce doesn’t sound like a fun time. “Yeah, okay. I’ll ask. See you later, TK.”

It’s good to have plans for later because he’s been feeling cooped up. One problem with being in Austin is that he can’t go out and explore. Well, he can go out, but he did his exploring years ago, albeit in another life. The other problem is that he can’t explain that when his dad tells him to “go and see the sights”. Today he decides to go out for lunch, because he can only order Uber Eats so many times in a week before he starts feeling like all the drivers are gossiping about him.

He ends up at the taco truck that he and Carlos always go to, and because the universe is cruel, while he’s waiting in line, he hears, “TK?”

He turns to find Carlos directly behind him. “Hi!” he says and then wishes the ground would swallow him whole because he doesn’t think he’s ever sounded so stupid.

Carlos smiles so maybe he disagrees. “Hi. I thought it was you.”

TK casts a look over Carlos’s shoulder and at the surrounding tables. “No Robbie today?” He tries not to sound as bitter as he feels.

“He’s out of town for work.”

He doesn’t want to ask, but he has to know. “What does he do?”

“He’s a project manager for a construction company.”

“Oh,” he says and feels even stupider. “Sounds impressive.”

Carlos shrugs. “He enjoys it, but it’s not for me.” He nods his head towards the menu on the truck. “The barbacoa’s really good here.”

“And the crispy chicken.”

Carlos looks at him curiously. “You’ve been here before?”

“Ahhh…” He has to stop doing this. “No, that’s just what I’ve heard.”

Carlos nods in understanding. “Do you want to eat together?”

He definitely wants to eat together, but it would be torture. He doesn’t know how to sit opposite Carlos and not hold his hand, or steal food off his plate, or flirt with him until Carlos’s cheeks go red. It feels like he’s chopped off a limb, one that has a direct line to his heart.

“I can’t,” he says with a forced smile. “Sorry.”

Carlos’s shrug is casual and easy. TK hates it. What he hates even more is the silence that descends between them as they wait in line and then order their food. He can’t remember the last time they had nothing to say to each other. Even when they were broken up, the times they crossed paths were heavy with all the words they weren’t saying.

He’s only so strong. Even as he takes his food and prepares to walk away, he knows he’ll take whatever crumbs he can get, like a dog licking up scraps under a dinner table.

“So, uh.” He turns back to Carlos, who seems surprised that TK is even speaking to him. “Some people from the 126 – you probably know them: Marjan, Paul and Mateo – they’re going to a bar after their shift tonight and they invited me to join them. If you’re not busy, you should come.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! It’ll be fun.” And with any luck Nancy will agree to go, and maybe TK can spend a couple of hours feeling normal.

There’s a strange look on Carlos’s face, an odd mix of hopeful but reluctant. TK’s seen it before, because Carlos has a habit of trying to deny himself the things that he wants. With TK’s influence, he’s getting better about letting himself have what he wants, at least in TK’s real life, so it’s sad to see that he’s not there yet here.

With a tiny smile, Carlos says, “I don’t want to impose.”

“You wouldn’t be! If anything, you’d be doing me a favour. You probably know them better than I do – you work with them. I’m just their captain’s son from outta town.” When Carlos wavers, TK wheedles, “Come on. You scared of a few firefighters, officer?”

Carlos chuckles, his smile uncertain but pleased. “Okay. I’ll be there.”

“Great!” 

TK reels off the address so that Carlos knows where they’ll be, and then waves goodbye as Carlos leaves. He can’t stop himself from bouncing on the balls of his feet and isn’t even embarrassed when some people sitting nearby eye him with amusement. Tonight is gonna be great: all his friends and Carlos hanging out together, just like it’s supposed to be.

That evening, he spends more time getting ready than he should, but it’s impossible to turn off the urge to make an effort. Carlos doesn’t belong to him here, and TK is gonna respect that, but he still wants Carlos to like what he sees. Maybe that’s selfish, but TK has his moments.

TK arrives at the bar at the same time as the Ryders, and they run into each other at the door. Judd just about beams with pride as he introduces TK to Grace.

Her brow furrows as they shake hands and then she smiles when he raises an eyebrow in silent query.

“Sorry.” She steps back into Judd’s arm. “There’s just something about you. Feels like I’ve met you somewhere before.”

“Paul and Marjan were sayin’ the same thing the other day,” Judd says.

“Maybe it’s because you’re around my dad all the time – it’s the cheekbones.”

Judd laughs but Grace looks thoughtful.

“No, it’s not that,” she says. “I can’t say what it is exactly. Just… something.”

What would Grace say if he told her he was from an alternate reality? He knows how much her faith means to her, and that she has an unwavering belief in God. Would that make her more or less likely to accept his story? It’s not something he can risk if he’s going to stay here; he doesn’t want her, or anyone else, to spend the rest of their life thinking he’s crazy.

“Well,” says Judd, “let’s see if we can figure it out inside, maybe over a beer.”

The rest of the 126 has already scoped out a table by the time TK, Judd and Grace arrive. Nancy is there, as are Owen and Tommy. Even Pearce is there, sitting awkwardly off to the side. It’s a strange mix of the expected and the unexpected that settles uneasily in TK’s belly.

“I invited Carlos too,” TK says, when his dad and Judd have gone to get drinks for everyone.

Mateo tilts his head. “Who’s Carlos?”

“Officer Reyes.”

“The hot cop!” Marjan laughs. “How do you know him?”

“Oh.” TK waves a hand, hoping it looks casual, especially because he can still feel Grace watching him, even as she’s talking to Tommy. “We’ve run into each other a couple of times.”

“And you knew who he was?” Paul asks.

“My dad mentioned him.”

Paul doesn’t look convinced, which is fair. Hopefully none of the people TK’s told various stories to talk to each other about what he’s said, because they’ll figure out very quickly that none of his stories match up. He’ll have to think up an excuse fast if any of them ask him about it, and he’s not that quick on his feet.

Owen and Judd are pushing back through the crowd with the drinks when TK smells sandalwood and amber. It’s a scent he knows well; Carlos wears it on nights they go out. He’s already turning to greet him before Carlos can even open his mouth to say hello.

“You came!”

Carlos shrugs awkwardly, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “You said I should.”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t. I’m just some guy whose dog tried to mow you down at the farmers’ market.”

“At least you made an impression.” Carlos smiles at Paul and Marjan, who are closest. It’s tight at the corners, but still looks sincere. “Hey, it’s good to see you.”

“You too, man. I’m Paul. It’s nice to finally see you outside of work.”

TK takes his mineral water when it gets passed around the table and avoids his dad’s eyes when he notices that Carlos has joined them. Turning to Carlos, he asks, “You want a drink?”

When Carlos nods and steps away to go to the bar, TK joins him. It’s only polite, after all, because TK is the one who invited him here. Not having to answer anyone’s questions or try to redirect the conversation to avoid his own lies is just a bonus.

“I can’t believe you’ve never hung out with any of the 126 before,” TK says, while they’re waiting for Carlos’s beer.

“I guess the opportunity never came up. I used to see Michelle a fair bit, before she left to do other things. Before that most of the crew was still new and they were getting to know each other. Besides, forming friendships with people you only see during someone else’s emergency is sort of weird.”

What would this Carlos say if he knew that he and TK have flirted at scenes? He’s always professional and he takes his job seriously, but he used to be so stiff, even when it was just the 126 around. He’s more relaxed now, at least once the job is done. TK desperately wants to ask what calls are like for him in this reality. Has he learned that he can bend without breaking here, or does he still strive to maintain that image of perfection?

He stirs the straw around his glass. “You should hang out with them more. They’re pretty fun once you get to know them. Some of the best friends you’ll ever have.”

Carlos shoots him an amused smile as he accepts his beer from the bartender. “Haven’t you been here less than a week?”

TK grimaces. “Yeah.”

The lead singer of the band is telling people to clear some space for line dancing. As much as TK would love to ask Carlos to dance, he’s not that much of a masochist. He’ll never forget the way Carlos looked at him that first night in this bar. It might kill TK to join Carlos on the floor and see Carlos look at him the same way he looks at Marjan or Nancy.

“Darts?” he asks instead.

“You don’t wanna dance?”

“I’m pretty bad at it.” That, at least, is true. “I bet I could kick your ass at darts, though.”

Carlos chuckles, low and confident, and TK pretends his stomach doesn’t swoop.

“We’ll see about that.”

TK does not kick Carlos’s ass at darts, but he doesn’t mind. It’s enough just to be around him, to split a plate of fries and trash-talk each other into distraction, although Carlos is less distractible than TK is.

“How are you liking Austin?” Carlos asks, plucking the darts out of the board to start the last game of their best-of-five.

“Honestly?” TK picks at the last couple of fries on their plate. “It’s not what I was hoping for.”

“Oh. I'm sorry.”

For a second it feels personal, like Carlos is apologising for his part in why none of this has turned out the way TK thought it would. But TK knows he isn't. Carlos is just being polite, because that’s the way his parents raised him.

“What were you hoping for?” Carlos asks, when TK doesn’t respond.

He shrugs. “I thought it would feel more like home.”

“Because your dad’s here?”

Because you’re here, is what he wants to say. Instead he just says, “I know it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. I understand wanting to feel like you belong somewhere.”

“Do you feel like you belong here?”

Carlos stills and then rolls one of the darts in his hand. “I guess.”

TK arches an eyebrow. “You guess?”

“Yeah.” Carlos hands the darts over and leans against a nearby table. “I never really thought about it. I was born here, I went to school here, I work here, my family is here. I’ll probably die here. If I don’t belong here, where do I belong?”

“You don’t ever feel like something’s… missing?”

The bar is loud with laughter and conversation, music and the crack of balls on the pool table, but Carlos is quiet as he watches TK carefully. TK doesn’t know what he wants Carlos to say. On one hand, he wants Carlos to be happy in whatever way he can be, but on the other, he wants something in Carlos’s soul to know that the life he has here isn’t the life he’s supposed to have. He wants Carlos to miss him, even though Carlos doesn’t know him.

Carlos’s phone rings before he has a chance to speak. TK glances down when Carlos digs it out of his pocket, and feels sick when he sees Robbie’s face smiling up at them.

“Sorry,” Carlos says, but his mouth has twitched up into a smile. “I’m gonna…”

“Yeah, of course.” TK waves a hand in understanding, but Carlos is already moving away.

TK turns to prop himself on the edge of the table, facing the rest of the room. This isn’t the first time he’s felt alone in a sea of people, but it might be the loneliest he’s ever felt. The 126 is strewn around: Judd and Grace are dancing; Tommy and Owen are talking; Mateo is watching Marjan and Paul play pool; Pearce has disappeared somewhere. And Carlos has stepped outside to talk to his boyfriend. TK doesn’t even know why he’s here.

He’s just thinking he might as well leave when Nancy steps out of the hallway that leads to the restrooms and catches his eye. She rocks on her feet, clearly hovering between returning to the group and coming over to him. He digs up a smile for her, which she returns as she joins him.

“Hey,” he says, as she leans against the table next to him.

“You’re supposed to be having more fun. Aren’t you the guest of honour?”

He huffs a laugh. “Am I? It was more like Marjan called and told me where to be and when.”

Her mouth pulls to the side and she looks everywhere but at him when she asks, “Did you tell her to invite me and Pearce?”

He remembers, suddenly, how proud she can be. The last thing he wanted when he told Marjan to invite her was for Nancy to feel like the kid who gets invited to the party just because the rest of the class got invited and it would be rude to leave one kid out.

“… Why would you think that?”

“Come on, dude.” The look she shoots at him is unimpressed but not unhappy. “I’m not stupid. Medical never gets asked to hang out with Fire. We sometimes chat during the day and at meal times, but we don't hang out. Not like this. The only thing that’s different this time is that you’re here, and you invited Carlos too. I’m pretty sure this was all you.”

He’s not going to insult her by trying to lie. “Alright, fine. I told Marjan she should invite you. Inviting Pearce is on her, though.”

Nancy laughs. “I’ll try not to hold it against her.”

They fall into a comfortable silence and it’s possibly one of the easiest moments he’s had since he woke up in New York. He doesn’t have to think or try too hard, or at all. They’re partners and he knows her, even if she doesn’t know him. She might feel it too, because she keeps glancing at him from the corner of her eye.

Finally, she asks, “Why did you come here? I know your dad said you’re visiting, but I kinda figured you’d be spending more time with him and, like, don’t take this the wrong way, you seem kinda down.”

He grimaces, not at her observation, because she’s not wrong, but because if she can see it other people probably can too. Maybe that’s why everyone is being so nice to him.

“I woke up one day and I realised that the life I had wasn’t the one I wanted.”

It’s the literal truth, even if it’s not exactly the honest truth.

“So you decided to come here?” 

She says it like she can’t imagine anything weirder. Maybe she would be right in any other circumstance, because if you’re going to run away from your life, surely there are more interesting places to run to than Austin, Texas.

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go.”

She considers him carefully, her head tilted to the side. “What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know,” he says with a shrug. “Either stay here or go back.”

He means it in terms of choosing between Austin and New York, because striking out on his own in a completely new city isn’t really his style, but it’s also about whether or not to stay in this reality. The other day, after talking to his mom, he decided that staying here would benefit everyone. Everyone but him. If he stays here, Jonah won’t have to grow up without a mother and that’s a pretty big tick in the Stay column. Right now, though, alone in this sea of people who are supposed to feel like family, being selfless feels much harder. Maybe in time the people at the 126 could start to feel the friends he knows, but it wouldn’t be the same. In this reality they’ve already bonded without him. And Carlos would still be with Robbie.

“Hey.” He turns to find Nancy already looking at him. “If you woke up one day and found yourself in an alternate reality, and everything was better for everyone but you were unhappy, would you stay there or try to go back to your real life?”

If she thinks it’s a weird question, she doesn’t say anything about it. Her brow furrows and her lips purse as she thinks.

“Is it better for everyone?”

“What do you mean?”

She picks up one of the darts he dumped on the table and twirls it between her fingers. “If it’s an alternate reality, maybe it looks better to you but you’re comparing it to something that doesn’t exist there.”

He thinks about a world where his mother is dead versus one where she’s alive and shakes his head. “It’s better.”

She hums like she doesn’t quite believe him. “Then I guess I would stay. I might be unhappy at the beginning, but that doesn’t mean I would be unhappy for the rest of my life. I would just need to find things to make me happy in my new life, even if they weren’t the things that made me happy in my old one.”

His shoulders slump and he looks back over the crowd. His dad has joined the dancers, and Marjan has won the pool game. Even Pearce has struck up a conversation with Tommy and Grace. Carlos hasn’t returned. Maybe Nancy’s right. Maybe he could be happy here, with a little time. He just has to let go of everything he knows.

“Something you wanna share with the class?” she asks.

He bites his lip and glances at her. “I’m from an alternate reality.”

Her eyes narrow and then she laughs. “What is it with you Strands? Your dad believes in aliens and you say you’re from another reality? Is there something in the water where you come from?”

Maybe there is. Or maybe he’s dead too. That’s something he hasn’t considered. Maybe he got his hands on that fentanyl after all and really did kill himself this time. He hopes that’s not what happened; his dad and Carlos would be devastated.

“Come on,” she says, pushing herself up from her lean against the table. “Let’s get back over there.”

He follows her back towards the group and eventually Carlos returns, although only long enough to say goodbye.

“You were right,” Carlos says. “This was fun. We should hang out again some time, if you’re still in Austin.”

“Sure.” It kills him to say yes, but it would kill him to say no as well. Maybe it’s not healthy, but at least this way he gets something out of it.

“Great. I’ll call you.”

Carlos departs with a wave to everyone and it signals the end of the night. First Grace, Judd and Tommy leave, all talking about relieving their respective babysitters, then Pearce goes, and Paul and Marjan trail after him. Mateo and Nancy decide to stay, but the smile she sends TK as he’s walking out behind his dad is more like what he’s used to seeing from her.

“I’m glad you joined us tonight,” Owen says when they’re in the car and driving back to his house. “It was a good night.”

“It was nice to spend more time with everyone.”

“Good to see you hanging out with Officer Reyes, too. He seems like a nice young man.”

“Mhm.” He rests his head against the passenger window and lets his gaze follow the passing streetlights. He has a sick feeling that he knows where this conversation is going.

“You know… when you told me that you came down here to see him, I thought maybe there was something going on between you two.”

TK swallows a sigh but his shoulders still slump. “Nope. Just friends. Carlos has a boyfriend.”

“Oh.” Owen eases them to a stop at a red light and glances across at him. “I’m sorry, TK.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Austin isn’t the small town that Carlos once told him it is, but it sometimes feels that way, with how often TK seems to run into the same handful of people. He’s still surprised, though, when he’s out for a run through the park a few evenings later and realises that the person on the path just ahead of him is Robbie.

TK’s got Eminem in his AirPods telling him to lose himself “in the music, the moment”, when he recognises Robbie and trips over his own feet. He yelps, pinwheeling his arms to regain his balance. The sound must catch Robbie’s attention, because he glances back over his shoulder and then jogs back to him.

“You okay?” Robbies asks and then points a finger while TK removes his AirPods. “Oh, hey. TK, right? From the farmers’ market.”

TK forces a smile. “That’s me.”

“Carlos told me you invited him to a bar with your friends while I was out of town.”

TK expects him to say more, ask something suspicious and probing, as if he knows what TK really wants, but Robbie just waits expectantly until TK nods.

“Yeah.” He rolls the stem of an earbud between his thumb and forefinger. “I ran into Carlos while I was out for lunch and thought it might be fun if he came along.”

“That was kind. Carlos doesn’t have many people. He’s very… isolated.” Robbie’s lips purse and he looks away.

TK shifts his weight. If only he could just walk away. He can’t because, not only would that be rude, but Robbie would definitely tell Carlos about it, and then Carlos would think TK’s a jerk.

“Carlos is an introvert,” he says. “He needs recharge time.”

“Very astute.” Then Robbie shakes his head. “But it’s not about that. Or it’s not only about that. He won’t–” Robbie visibly bites his own tongue to keep the words in and then takes a breath. “Sorry. You don’t care about my relationship problems.”

On the contrary, TK cares very much about Robbie’s relationship problems.

“It’s okay.” Hopefully he doesn’t sound too invested. “Sometimes it helps to speak to someone who’s not involved.”

Even as he says it, he wants to snatch the words back because Carlos would hate this. He hates being vulnerable, period; he would feel so betrayed if he knew that Robbie was sharing the ins and outs of their relationship with someone who’s basically a stranger. But it’s too late.

Robbie sighs and starts trudging up the path, clearly expecting TK to follow. “He won’t introduce me to his family.”

If there was ever a moment for relationship sabotage, this is it. It would be so easy. He could tell Robbie to push, to pick a fight about it, that he deserves to meet Carlos’s family no matter what Carlos thinks. He could tell Robbie to not back down when Carlos inevitably refuses, and that if Carlos won’t do this for him, then Carlos doesn’t respect him or their relationship. There are so many seeds of doubt that he could sow.

But he can’t. He can still picture the smile on Carlos’s face that night at the bar when he saw that Robbie was calling. Carlos likes Robbie, probably even loves him. It’s not right or fair for TK to use what he knows to destroy something that makes Carlos happy. He’s already broken Alex’s heart in this universe; he doesn’t need to add Carlos’s and Robbie’s to the tally too.

“Has he explained why?” TK asks, falling into step beside him.

“He says that it’s complicated and that his relationship with his parents isn’t always easy. And I get it!” He turns to TK with wide eyes and hands outstretched. “When I came out, it was rough. My parents weren’t outright hostile, but they weren’t what I would call supportive either. But they’re getting there. They’re educating themselves and they’re trying. It feels like Carlos won’t even give his parents that opportunity, and it’s not fair to him, me or them.”

“I’m sure he has his reasons.”

“I am too. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.”

“I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it. It’s not about you. Just…”

He bites his lip. He has a choice here. Not sabotaging Robbie’s relationship is one thing, but helping him is another. It requires him to let Carlos go and that’s not something he’s ever been good at, but this isn’t like those times. Here, Carlos doesn’t belong to him anyway.

Robbie raises an eyebrow. “Just what?”

TK looks off towards a woman who’s taking her dog for an evening walk and tries to fight back the tears pricking behind his eyes. “Just make sure he knows he’s safe and loved. That’s all he needs you to do. He’ll work through the rest when he’s ready.”

“You sound very sure.”

“I dated a guy like Carlos once. I know what it’s like.”

“How did it end?”

TK almost chokes on something that’s half sob and half laugh. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. It wasn’t because of him, though. He was perfect.”

He doesn’t know what Robbie assumes that means, but he hums in sympathy. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.” He can’t bring himself to say that he hopes it works out better for Robbie and Carlos, but he’s done his good deed for the day so hopefully karma won’t hold it against him. “Look, I gotta go.”

“Sure. Thanks for listening and for your insight. Maybe the three of us and your 126 friends could hang out some time. I think it would help Carlos to know he’s got people in his corner.”

TK can picture it now: the six of them, plus Robbie, sitting around a table playing Catan or whatever board game is their go-to in this universe. TK being the odd man out because Carlos would team up with Robbie. There is no Team Tarlos here. Maybe choosing to stay here was a mistake. Not here in this universe, but here in Austin. He could probably build a new life for himself in Austin if he tried, but at least if he goes back to New York he won’t have to watch Carlos be in love with someone else.

“Maybe,” TK says. “I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be in town.”

“Austin not your speed? Carlos told me you work in Manhattan.”

“It’s not that,” he says with a shrug. “I’m just not going to find what I came here to find.”

“Then I hope you find it elsewhere.”

TK digs up a small smile and leaves with a wave. This would be easier if Robbie was a bad guy, or at least one who didn’t care. Maybe then TK could stick it out, bide his time until Carlos came to his senses and broke up with him. But Robbie seems like a good person. He cares about Carlos, wants to help him and for him to be happy. Robbie probably wouldn’t run away and ghost Carlos for four months if Carlos bought them a loft. Although, Robbie could probably afford to go in on the cost of the loft in the first place, so there would be no running away required.

“Hey, kiddo!” Owen calls out from the kitchen when TK gets back. “You hungry? I’m making cauliflower steaks!”

TK grimaces. He’s not the biggest fan of cauliflower even on a good day, but he and Owen haven’t spent much time together since TK arrived in Austin, and he knows his dad is trying.

“Sure,” he replies. “I’ll just shower really quick.”

The kitchen smells nutty and spicy by the time TK gets back downstairs, and there’s no sight or sound of Mateo.

“Mateo wasn’t interested in your cauliflower steaks?” TK asks while he lays out the silverware and his dad plates up.

“There’s no accounting for taste.” Owen brings their plates to the table and sits opposite him. “He’s out with some friends, so we can have a father and son dinner.”

TK picks up his fork to tap at the char on his cauliflower. “I hope you didn’t kick him out on my account.”

“No, nothing like that.” Owen cuts the head off a floret and forks it into his mouth. He’s watching TK closely,  so TK cuts into his own cauliflower and has a bite. Once Owen’s apparently satisfied, he continues, “Do you like Austin?”

It’s obviously not as straightforward a question as Owen thinks it is but TK nods. “Yeah. It’s a fun city, and the food and weather are good. Are you gonna stay here? Permanently, I mean.”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I miss New York, I miss you.”

TK rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling too. “Dad–”

“I do! I know we didn’t spend much time together outside of work, and I wish now that we had, but at least I got to see you on shifts. It’s been years since I moved here, but some days I still expect to turn around and see you on a call with me. Some days I think I almost do, just out of the corner of my eye.” Owen’s gaze has drifted off to the middle distance but then he shakes himself out of it with a chuckle. “Sorry – maybe I’m getting old.”

“You’re not old, Dad. I get it.”

“It got me thinking…”

TK raises his eyebrows when his dad trails off. It’s not like Owen to sound uncertain. Part of it is being the captain of a firehouse; part of it is just his natural personality. 

Owen eats another bite while he stalls. “Well, I was thinking that we technically have an open spot on the team.”

TK goes still, halfway to reaching for his glass of water. “Oh.”

“And I know you love Manhattan!” Owen hurries to add. “And getting to see your mom and brother regularly. But I really think you could grow to love Austin too. You already seem to get on well with the rest of the team. I even saw you talking to Nancy at the bar the other night. And maybe you want to get some space from New York now that you and Alex have broken up. All I’m saying is that there’s a place for you here, if you want it.”

TK unfreezes himself and grabs his water to take a sip. His mouth is dry all of a sudden and he doesn’t think it has anything to do with the cauliflower. “Isn’t that nepotism?”

It was nepotism in TK’s real life too, but TK wasn’t in a position to care then. Owen wanted to get him out of New York, and TK couldn’t make himself care enough to stay. It’s different now, with some distance. His dad scoured the States to find “the best firefighters in the country”, and he got them, for the most part. TK was never a part of that and he’ll never really know if he would have been considered good enough to even make the long list if he wasn’t Owen Strand’s son.

“Yes,” Owen concedes with a tilt of his head, “but it’s not just that. You’re a great firefighter, TK. One of the best. Having you on my team would only make it better.”

TK drops his gaze. His chest is tight, the same way it used to get when he would turn around at a Little League game and see that his dad was in the crowd. Hearing Owen say that he actually wants TK on his team is a heady thing and, under any other circumstances, TK might have accepted without a second thought.

“I need to think about it,” he says. “Thank you for offering, and for saying that, but moving here would be… a lot.”

As much as he would get out of being part of the team again, there would be no escaping Carlos if he moves here. He knows how often the 126 and Officer Reyes cross paths on the job. If he’s going to let Carlos and Robbie be happy together, he’ll never manage to fix his own broken heart if he’s seeing Carlos every other day.

“I understand, and I know you wouldn’t be able to move overnight anyway. Take the time to think it through. That spot is yours – it will always be waiting for you.”

TK’s still thinking about it a couple of hours later when he’s sprawled on his bed, talking to his mom on the phone. He’s gotten into the habit of calling her every night, because now he knows how it feels to know that he’ll never be able to hear her voice again. If he’s here in this universe where everything else is wrong, at least he can have this.

“Dad offered me a spot on the team here,” he says, when she’s finished telling him about the things Jonah did that day.

“Are you going to take him up on it?”

He can picture her: legs curled under herself where she’s tucked into the corner of the couch, a mug of chamomile tea steaming by her elbow on the end table, her face aglow in the light of whatever she has muted on the TV while they talk.

“I don’t know,” he says. Downstairs, the front door opens and a moment later there’s the distinct thump of Mateo bounding up the stairs. “The team is great but there’s a lot to consider.”

She hums. “Like Carlos?”

He used to hate how well she knows him but now it’s a comfort. No one will ever know him like she does, in any universe.

“Among other things.”

“How is he? Have you seen him since the bar?”

“No, but I ran into his boyfriend this evening. I gave him relationship advice.”

Carlos and Robbie are probably both home now. They’ll have finished dinner and probably washed the dishes. He wonders if Robbie has talked to Carlos yet, if he said the same things that TK did when he and Carlos had the same fight. They had the best make-up sex that night. He digs the heel of his hand into an eye, trying to scrub the mental image of Carlos and Robbie having sex from his mind, but it doesn’t really work.

“That was very kind of you.”

“I just want Carlos to be happy.”

“At the cost of your own happiness. That’s a kind thing to do, TK.”

Maybe kindness is meant to be its own reward, but it doesn’t feel like much of one right now.

“What other things?” Gwyn asks.

“Huh?”

“Before, you said there are things other than just Carlos that would stop you from moving to Austin. What are the other things?”

“Oh. Well, I wouldn’t be able to see you.”

“You don’t see your father now that he lives in Texas.”

He huffs. “That’s different.”

“Honey, I know things with your dad haven’t always been easy, but he does love you.”

“I know he does. It’s not that.”

“Then what is it?”

There’s no way to explain to her that his dad isn’t the one he came here, to this reality, for. 

“You’re my mom. It’s just different.”

She’s quiet, like she doesn’t fully believe him, but it’s always harder for her to tell when he’s lying if she can’t see his face. He’s not really lying anyway; he’s just not telling her the full truth, and he feels like he has a good reason for that.

“Okay,” she says slowly, “but don’t let that be the deciding factor. We don’t see each other all the time now, when we do live in the same city. I love that you want to be here for me and Jonah, but you have your own life, TK, and you have to live it in whatever way will make you happy. If that means moving to Austin and joining the 126, then that’s what you should do. You don’t have to stay there forever if you don’t want to.”

It’s easy for her to say, but what else can she say? It’s not like she knows that she’s dead in his real life. He doesn’t know what she would say if she knew that, and he probably never will because he can’t imagine ever telling her.

“That’s if you want to stay here at all,” she continues. “Here as in, in this reality.”

She’s been doing that more often lately, referring to his reality and this one as separate things. She accepted it more easily than he would have expected, but maybe that’s part of the magic of it. It’s easier to not question her motives; as long as she’s not acting like he’s crazy, it’s fine. Plus it’s nice to not have to pretend for someone.

“I think I have to stay. It’s for the greater good.”

She audibly exhales. “I wish you would explain what you mean when you say things like that.”

He chuckles and rolls over onto his side. A streetlight is shining through the gap under the blind, where he didn’t pull it all the way closed, but otherwise the room is dark. “I don’t know if I can. What if I tell you things and create some kind of paradox? I might end the world.”

“I think that sort of thing only happens with time travel. I know you’re not going to tell me, but let me just say this: the greater good doesn’t matter to me, not when it comes to you. I would much rather watch the world burn than watch you be unhappy.”

The irony is that he would say something similar: that he would rather live in a world where he’s unhappy but Jonah gets to grow up with a mother, than in one where neither of them will ever hear her laugh again.

He drops into the 126 for lunch the next day because he has nothing better to do with his time, especially when almost everyone he knows in this city is on shift. Owen grimaces at the sight of the stack of pizza boxes TK lays out on the table but wisely doesn’t say anything and chooses not to partake.

“More for us, Cap!” Mateo crows before stuffing half a slice of pepperoni and mushroom into his mouth in one go.

“Man, chew before you swallow and swallow before you talk,” says Paul. “You’re on your way to a choking incident.”

Judd watches in wry amusement. “Lucky we already got paramedics on scene.”

Everyone laughs as Mateo exaggerates his chewing in Paul’s direction and TK can’t help but smile. This is the most normal he’s felt since arriving in Austin, maybe even since waking up in New York. Maybe coming to terms with staying in this reality would be easier if it was always like this.

He turns his head when he notices Tommy approaching from the corner of his eye. She has two slices of pizza on a plate, one vegetarian and one Italian sausage, and she smiles warmly as she stops beside him.

“Speaking of paramedics, your dad told me you’re a dual-certified firefighter/paramedic in New York. That’s impressive.”

He shrugs like it’s no big deal. It never really was to him anyway, except for how it helped him differentiate himself from his dad, but he knows that sometimes other people don’t see it that way.

“It just means I can help more people. You know what calls are like: sometimes you get there and the situation isn’t what you thought it would be, or someone is more injured than they realise they are. Sometimes Fire just gets there first. At least I can tide things over until real help arrives.”

“You are real help, TK. Being authorised to rappel down the side of a building and man a hose line doesn’t change that.”

“Thanks, Cap.” He says it without thinking, a habit formed over months of following her orders and accepting her praise, and he winces. He catches her sharp frown and hurries on to distract her. “You know, I once thought about transferring to Medical.”

She’s pretty savvy and he can tell the distraction hasn’t really worked, but she lets him get away with it anyway. Probably just assumes it was a slip of the tongue.

“Why didn’t you?”

Because I wasn’t here to walk through a minefield and Pearce got my job.

The thought is bitter but he keeps it to himself and shrugs, hoping it looks nonchalant. “The opportunity never came up.”

“That doesn’t mean it never will. If it’s something you want, you should do it. Follow your heart.” She holds up her plate. “Thanks for lunch.”

His mouth twists as she walks away, taking her pizza up to her office. Following his heart is what got him here in the first place, and it hasn’t exactly worked out for him. But as she also said: that doesn’t mean it never will. It just doesn’t seem healthy to stick around here, waiting and hoping for something that might never happen.

“Hi there,” Judd calls towards the front of the engine bay. “Can we help you?”

TK glances over his shoulder and then does a double-take. His eyes feel like they’re the size of dinner plates.

“Alex?”

It’s definitely him, in a patterned shirt, beige chinos and brown loafers, looking as out of place as TK has ever seen anyone.

Alex’s steps stutter and he freezes for a split second before closing the distance between them. Everyone else has gone quiet and TK imagines they’re all watching intently, not even trying to be subtle about it, because they’re all nosey. His dad is the only one here who actually knows Alex; TK did mention breaking up with a boyfriend to Marjan, Paul and Mateo, and Paul could probably put the pieces together if he wanted to, but TK doesn’t know why he would. Hanging out a couple of times while TK is “visiting” doesn’t mean they’re friends.

“TK.” Alex stops in front of him, glances curiously at the crew and then back again. “I wasn’t expecting you to be here.”

TK’s breathing is shallow and he forces himself to take a deeper breath. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see Owen. I don’t know where you’re staying so I thought he might tell me.”

“No.” He shakes his head, closing his eyes for a moment like that might reset everything that’s happening. It doesn't work. “Not here here. What are you doing in Austin?”

Alex holds up his hands with a tight smile. “I couldn’t let you end it the way you did, without a fight. I’m here to talk, maybe win you back. Big swings, right? Isn’t that what your dad always says?”

“My dad’s been divorced twice,” he says faintly. 

“Alex.” Owen’s voice has a ring of false cheer that TK wonders if Alex can hear when Owen steps up beside them. “This is a surprise.”

“I’m here to talk to TK.”

“Did phones stop working in New York?”

“I haven’t been able to get through. I think TK blocked my number.”

“Oh. Well maybe you should have taken the hint.”

“Dad!” TK hisses, even though everyone in the vicinity has heard all of this. “Don’t be rude.”

Owen holds up his hands like he doesn’t know what TK expected. Owen’s reassurance when TK arrived in Austin that he thought Alex was “fine” was clearly an exaggeration.

Alex shifts his weight and TK feels a surprising pang of sympathy for him. He didn’t ask for any of this; none of them did, but Alex is the one really who pulled the short straw. He thought everything was fine one day and then got dumped without warning the next. TK knows what that feels like.

“We can talk,” he tells Alex, “but not here. The walls have ears.” He shoots a pointed look at his dad who shrugs like he doesn’t even care, which he probably doesn’t.

He waves to the rest of the crew, who aren’t even trying to pretend they’re not watching curiously, and then leads Alex outside, digging for his phone to get an Uber, but he’s interrupted by the jangle of Alex’s keys.

“I got a rental,” he says, waving a hand at a silver SUV parked nearby. “Coffee?”

Coffee. He can do coffee. He owes Alex at least that much for blowing up his life. TK should really stop doing that to his boyfriends.

“Sure.”

He climbs into the passenger seat and directs Alex through the streets to his favourite coffee shop. Carlos introduced him to it when they started hooking up. It’s a bit out of the way since they moved to the loft, but TK still comes here whenever he can and he was relieved to find it still exists in this reality. It makes sense that it would – the realities seem to be the same in terms of the broad strokes; it’s the details that are different. TK wouldn’t be surprised to find that there’s a Robbie walking around in TK’s real Austin, and they’ve just never met him. Or maybe they crossed paths once, like ships passing in the night, and none of them paid any attention to each other because TK and Carlos were already dating and there was no need for Carlos to notice him.

When they get there, Alex orders an Americano and TK gets an iced caramel latte, and they sit at a recently vacated table on the street outside. It’s good for people-watching and also for making a quick getaway, although TK hopes that won’t be necessary.

TK plays with the paper wrapper of his straw to avoid meeting Alex’s gaze. “I’m sorry everything happened the way it did. I know it was fast–”

“Fast?” Alex lets out a short laugh. “TK, it came out of nowhere. We were fine. We were happy! And then you have some kind of crazy dream, decide to end our engagement and fly to the other side of the country! All on the same day! You just left me, like I’m nothing to you.”

That’s part of the problem: Alex is nothing to him, except someone from his past. Whatever feelings TK ever had for him died that moment in the restaurant when Alex told him he was in love with someone else. He doesn’t even know now if what he felt for Alex was love. He thinks it was, at least in the beginning, but it pales in comparison to anything Carlos has ever made him feel. He just can’t explain any of that. Gwyn might have accepted that TK is from another reality, but Alex really will think he’s lost his mind.

“I know,” he says instead. “I guess I just panicked. I really am sorry.”

“Has being here helped?” At TK’s frown, he continues, “You seemed so confused that day. I thought you might feel better if you had some space, maybe spent some time with your dad. Has it helped?”

TK stirs his straw around his cup and shakes his head. “Not really. If anything, coming here has made things more complicated.”

“Then why haven’t you come back? We can get over this. Whatever freaked you out and sent you running – we can work through it. Together. I love you, TK.”

Air catches in TK’s throat. They’re the right words, spoken by the wrong person. Or maybe not. Maybe the TK who belongs here was happy with Alex and loved him the way he loves Carlos. It’s not this world that’s wrong, it’s TK.

He doesn’t know what to say. He can only apologise so many times without starting to sound like a broken record, and it’s not like he can lie and pretend he feels something he doesn’t, or say he might feel it again one day. 

“I don’t know if I’m going back to New York. I know I’ll have to in the short term, but my dad asked if I would join the team here.”

Alex’s face creases with disbelief. “You’re not serious.”

TK bristles and sucks an annoyed mouthful of coffee through his straw. “Why would I not be serious?”

“You love New York! The food, the nightlife, the rush of it all. Your mom and brother live there. You wouldn’t really move down here, to Texas of all places.” He doesn’t quite spit out the word “Texas”, but his tone is definitely derogatory.

“Austin’s not so bad. It’s pretty great actually.”

“Yes, I’m sure you’ve really experienced all the city has to offer in the short time you’ve been here.”

TK rolls his eyes. “Don’t be like that. Look, I didn’t ask you to come down here. I told you that we were over and that I don’t love you anymore. I’ve apologised. I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

“Is there someone else?”

“What?” A laugh bursts out of him before he can stop it, faintly tinged with hysteria. “No.”

“You can tell me if there is.”

“There’s no one else!”

“TK?”

They both look up at the sound of the voice and TK almost jumps. “Carlos.”

He’s standing beside their table with a reusable coffee cup in one hand and a paper bag printed with a bakery logo propped on his other hip. He’s not in uniform, so either he has the day off or he’s not on shift until later, but his gaze is sliding between them warily.

“Everything okay?” Carlos asks.

“I… Yes. Everything’s fine.”

Alex barks a bitter laugh. “No one else, huh?”

“It’s true!” TK’s so frustrated that he wants to yank at his own hair. “Carlos is a friend.”

“Come on, TK. That’s not what you look like when you’re looking at someone who’s just a friend. I should know.”

“Sorry.” Carlos holds out the hand carrying the coffee cup, like he’d be holding up a hand to make them wait if he could. “Who are you?”

“I’m Alex.” He smiles tightly. “TK’s fiance.”

“Ex fiance,” TK says, glaring at him and then looking up at Carlos. “We broke up before I came to Austin.”

“We didn’t break up. You did. I didn’t get a say.”

“Did you want me to lie to you?”

“Okay, okay.” Carlos drops an arm between them over the table, and it’s only then that TK notices that he and Alex have been leaning across it towards each other. “You two need to take a breather. This is a public place and I’m sure neither of you wants to cause any trouble.”

TK inhales a shaky breath and leans back in his chair. Now that Carlos has mentioned it, he does notice that some of the people walking past and sitting nearby are watching. He can’t believe he’s become one of those people who has relationship drama in public. Hopefully no one is secretly recording this.

“Sorry,” TK mumbles and Alex’s mouth tightens.

Carlos looks between them again and then fixes his gaze on TK. “You wanna get outta here? Take a walk with me?”

“Yes,” he breathes, shoulders slumping with relief. He grabs his coffee and stands. To Alex, he says, “Go home. I’m sorry it didn’t work out but it’s over. You have to let it go.”

He doesn’t wait to hear if Alex will say anything, just turns his back and walks away, with Carlos falling into step beside him.

“I live not too far from here,” Carlos says after a moment of silence. “You can come over if you want. Chill out a bit.”

“Thanks.” 

His coffee is too watery with the ice melted now, but he still drinks it as they walk because he can feel Carlos’s eyes on him and drinking is better than talking right now. Carlos seems to understand, because he doesn’t ask questions, just casually guides him through the streets towards the townhouse. They used to make this walk together all the time; even almost a year since the fire, TK could probably still make the journey with his eyes closed, but he lets himself be led. He’s not supposed to know where Carlos lives anyway.

“This is it,” Carlos says when they arrive, and he turns up the front path.

“Here.” TK reaches for the bakery bag as Carlos tries to juggle that and his coffee cup, and dig out his keys. “Let me hold that.”

Carlos smiles his thanks and unlocks the door, and TK follows him inside. He toes off his shoes and nudges them to the side automatically, and then his heart stutters as he looks around. The last time he was in this room it was literally burning down around him. He didn’t even have enough time to look back before he was being hustled down the stairs and out the door, and he was too worried about getting Carlos out safely to worry about the house itself. It was only in the aftermath that he registered that he was never going to see any of it again. He never paid much attention to the religious painting Carlos had hanging in the kitchen, and it was only after it was gone that he regretted it.

But here it all is. The same black couch, the same chairs around the table, the same masks on the wall. It makes his chest ache, not only for this part of their lives, but also for the loft, with its huge windows and exposed brick, and the sectional that they snuggle on after long days.

The closer he looks, the more he realises that the townhouse isn’t exactly the same. There are shoes he doesn’t recognise by the door, and a science fiction novel that Carlos would never read on a side table. The candle Robbie bought at the farmers’ market is sitting on the bar in the kitchen. If he went upstairs, would he find Robbie’s cologne on the dresser? How many of his clothes are hanging in the closet? Does he live here or has Carlos not asked him to move in yet?

He’s shaken from his thoughts by Carlos taking the bakery bag from him. “Thanks for holding this. Sit down. You want a drink?” He glances down at the now-empty cup TK’s still holding. “Maybe not a drink. A snack?”

“You don’t have to,” TK says, already knowing it won’t matter as he sinks onto the couch.

Sure enough, Carlos waves his words away and sets about preparing a platter of cold cuts, crackers, cheese and hummus. It’s too much for just the two of them, but this is how Carlos operates.

Before he can stop himself, TK leans forward and asks, “Do you have any mini cucumbers?”

Carlos looks startled but then pulls a bag from the back of the fridge. “Always.”

“They’re so satisfying to snack on.”

Carlos laughs and washes a handful before arranging them on the platter. “That’s what I always say!”

TK knows; Carlos is the one he heard it from, and then found that he agreed when he started snacking on them himself. They had to start buying extra when TK started staying at Carlos’s house more often, so they would always have enough for the two of them.

Carlos brings the platter over to the coffee table and settles on the couch beside him. “So. Ex fiance, huh?”

TK grimaces and pointedly crunches into a cucumber.

“Is he why you came down to Austin?”

“Actually, no. That was just a fortunate by-product.”

TK knows he’s hedging and that Carlos can tell, and TK doesn’t care. The start of their relationship was a lot of this anyway – Carlos digging and TK giving him only the bare minimum. Of course that ended with TK getting arrested and spilling his guts in the middle of a police precinct, but that’s not likely to happen this time.

“He seems to really love you,” Carlos says. “He flew halfway across the country to get you back.”

TK’s knee-jerk reaction is to be dismissive but he stops himself when he realises how ironic it would be. Isn’t that exactly what TK himself did? And with much less reason. He woke up one day in a world where he didn’t even have Carlos’s number in his phone and flew that same distance to come find him, on the assumption that Carlos would be right here waiting for him. TK can’t judge Alex for doing almost the same thing.

“Would you do that?” TK asks. “Fly halfway across the country for someone you love?”

Carlos shrugs self-consciously and layers a piece of cheese on a cracker. “I’m not much of a flyer but yes, I think I would.”

“Would you do it for Robbie?”

There’s an underlying bitterness to his voice and he’s too tired to try to hide it. Carlos obviously hears it, because the look he gives him is sharp with curiosity.

“I think so. I hope so.”

“You love him.”

“Yeah.” Carlos nods. “I do.”

“And he loves you.”

“Yes.” There isn’t so much as a waver of uncertainty in Carlos’s voice.

TK tightens his mouth to keep it from twisting, even as a chasm opens in the pit of his stomach. He’s not going to cry here, not about something he’s known since almost the moment he arrived in this city. “That’s good. You deserve to be loved.”

Carlos looks down and taps a finger on the side of his cracker. “Alex said something, something about how you look at someone who’s more than just a friend. What did he mean?”

It would be great if a sinkhole could open up right now and swallow him whole, but he’s not that lucky. “He assumed that you and I are… something. Obviously he’s wrong.”

“You told him that I’m just a friend.”

“Because that’s what we are!”

Even unspoken, the fact that TK wishes they were more than that suddenly feels like the loudest thing in the room. It hangs heavy in the air between them, and TK fights to breathe when Carlos’s eyes soften with pity. He can’t stand to hear Carlos let him down gently. It might kill him.

For half a second, he thinks about telling Carlos the truth. Maybe Carlos wouldn’t believe him – probably Carlos wouldn’t believe him – but it might plant the seed of possibility. It might make Carlos wonder about what could be between them. Doesn’t he owe Carlos the truth so that he can make a choice with all the facts?

No. He can’t lie to himself about this. Telling Carlos the truth wouldn’t be about Carlos, it would be about TK. The fact is that Carlos is happy. He wouldn’t be with Robbie if he didn’t want to be, and trying to convince him he would be happier with TK would be selfish.

“It doesn’t matter anyway.” TK’s voice shakes. “I’m going back to New York.”

It’s the only thing left to do. He can’t imagine ever loving anyone else as much as he loves Carlos, but he definitely never will if he stays here and tortures himself. At least if he leaves he’ll have a chance at something like a happy life.

Carlos is quiet for a moment and then says, “I wish we could have known each other better.”

TK can’t stop the one tear that falls, but he swipes it away angrily and closes his eyes tight to fight back any more. He’s supposed to say “Me too”, but he can’t, not even to maintain the facade. He already knows Carlos, knows him better than anyone, better even than Robbie, who hasn’t met Carlos’s family yet. Maybe if he didn’t know Carlos so well, this wouldn’t hurt so much.

“I have to go,” he says and pushes himself to his feet.

There’s something unexpectedly embarrassing about having to stamp his feet into his sneakers at the door, while Carlos hovers nearby. 

“I can drive you home,” Carlos offers.

TK shakes his head. “No thanks. I’ll get an Uber.” He swings the door open and hesitates as he steps over the threshold. He can feel the heat of Carlos at his back and he turns to face him one last time. “I know they don’t say it as often as you would like, but your parents love you and they’re so proud of you. And I know you’re hurt because you feel like you have to hide your life from them, but you don’t have to. They just don’t know how to ask without saying the wrong thing. You should talk to them, tell them about Robbie. I think they’ll really like him.”

The furrow between Carlos’s brows gets deeper with every word, and when TK is done, there’s an echoing silence until Carlos says, “You don’t know that’s true. You don’t know my parents.”

TK smiles grimly. “I know more than you think. Just trust me on this. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

After a moment, Carlos nods warily. “I’ll think about it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” 

He turns and walks down the front path without saying goodbye. He’s never said goodbye when he’s walked away from Carlos. He rarely even says goodbye when he leaves the loft for normal reasons. It’s usually “See you later!”, or “I love you!”, or “Have a good shift” if one or the other of them is off to work. It’s usually some combination of all three. It’s never “Goodbye”, though.

He hears the click of the door closing behind him when he gets to the end of the path, and then turns down the sidewalk. The thought of standing outside Carlos’s house and waiting for an Uber is too humiliating, so he walks for five minutes before he stops and digs out his phone. When the car arrives, it takes him back to the 126. It’s only been a couple of hours since he left with Alex, but it feels like so much has changed in that time. When he gets there, EMS is out but Fire is still around so TK heads up the stairs to his dad’s office.

Owen is clicking through something on his laptop when TK knocks on his open door, and Owen raises an eyebrow when he looks up and sees him.

“Hey,” Owen says when TK enters. “How’d it go with Alex?”

TK shrugs and drops into one of the chairs in front of the desk. “Probably exactly how you think it did.”

“So the engagement isn’t back on?”

“No, definitely not.”

“That’s okay. If you’re going to marry someone, TK, it should be someone you’re happy to see even on the worst day of your life.”

His mind skips to Carlos before TK can even try to stop it, but not the Carlos he just left standing in the doorway of his townhouse. No, instead he thinks of the Carlos he last saw two weeks ago, kneeling in front of him in their bedroom in the loft, brushing away TK’s tears and kissing his forehead so gently that it had just made TK want to cry more. Everything else around him was a haze – his dad, the bag Owen was packing, the loft itself – but Carlos was always clear. TK misses him so much it’s almost a physical pain, buried deep in the heart of him where he’ll never be able to dig it out.

TK’s throat tightens and he swallows hard to clear it. “I’m going back to New York. Today if possible. I still have to look at flights.”

Owen’s face falls but he doesn’t look surprised. “And you’re not coming back?”

“I can’t. But thanks for offering me a spot on the team.”

“That spot is always yours. You just let me know if and when you want it.” 

Owen comes around the desk to hug him when TK stands, and TK holds on so tight that he knows his fingers are digging into his dad’s shoulders. There’s no one more committed to his work than Owen Strand, sometimes to his own detriment, so TK doesn’t know when he’ll see him again. Owen won’t have a reason to come back to New York anytime soon, and TK can’t come back to Austin, which leaves them at an impasse. He’ll make an effort to call more often instead; that’ll have to be enough.

“Let me know when your flight lands,” Owen says and then pulls away. He runs a hand over the back of TK’s head. “I love you, son. I’m sorry things didn’t work for you here.”

“Thanks, Dad. I love you, too.”

He leaves with a wave and heads back downstairs. No one pays any attention to him as he walks towards the doors. EMS has just gotten back and Tommy is talking to Nancy and Pearce at the back doors of the bus; Judd, Marjan, Paul and Mateo are laughing as they polish the side of the ladder truck. No one notices him leave. Why should they? He’s not their friend, not their family – he’s the captain’s son. It hurts more than he expects.

On the ride back to his dad’s house, he finds a flight back to JFK for early in the evening and books a ticket, then messages his mom to let her know he’s coming back and asking if he can stay with her and Jonah. She says he can stay as long as he likes, and it should make him feel warm; he doesn’t know why it doesn’t. She’s his mom; she’s the whole reason he’s here.

He repacks all his things into his suitcase. It’s all the same stuff he arrived with; he isn’t taking anything new back with him. For a second he thinks about leaving one of his shirts in the closet, like a reminder that he was here, but then decides there’s no point. He doesn’t want to leave a piece of himself in this place that he doesn’t belong in anyway.

Buttercup is waiting at the foot of the stairs when TK thumps his way down, dragging his suitcase behind him. The dog cocks his head and whines, and TK drops to his knees to sink his fingers into the fur behind Buttercup’s ears.

“Sorry I can’t stay,” he says, “but I know you know why I don’t belong here. Thanks for trying, though.”

Buttercup sighs and snuffles at TK’s arm before giving it a gentle lick. TK drops a kiss on the top of Buttercup’s head and then stands to leave the spare key on the kitchen counter, where he knows his dad will find it. Then he’s out the door and into the Uber, and on his way to the airport.

In stories, heroes are supposed to feel triumphant as they return home. Tired, maybe, but triumphant nonetheless. TK doesn’t feel triumphant. If anything, he’s never felt so defeated. He came to Austin to find the people who love him, but they don’t exist here. The only way he’ll get them back, Carlos included, is if he goes back to where he comes from, but if he does that, he and Jonah will lose their mom. It’s not fair to condemn his baby brother to that.

He has a brief moment of panic as he’s waiting to board his plane, afraid that Alex might end up on the same flight. That really would just top off this whole experience. But maybe the universe – this awful one that he’s landed in – takes pity on him, because Alex doesn’t appear. The flight leaves on time and it’s quiet. No crying babies, no one watching something on their phone without headphones, no overly loud conversations that literally everyone can hear. TK is tired and he thinks about having a nap, but he can’t fall asleep no matter how hard he tries, so he just watches out the window as they fly into the night and the land below lights up around pockets of civilisation.

It’s after midnight by the time his Uber drops him off outside his mom’s building. He’s exhausted and tempted to just slump in a heap on the sidewalk, but he’s so close. He can make it the last of the way.

His mom is expecting him, and it’s the middle of the night, so his knock on her door is less a knock and more a gentle scratching. Maybe she was waiting on the other side, because it swings open a second later and there she is, wrapped in a silk robe with her hair in a messy bun.

“Sorry to keep you up so late,” he says as he drags his suitcase through the door. “I should have flown out in the morning but I wasn’t thinking. I just needed to leave.”

She gathers him into a hug and kisses his cheek, before bustling him into the living room. “Don’t worry about it. Jonah’s not sleeping well at the moment, so I was up anyway. You want some tea?”

She doesn’t wait for his reply before heading into the kitchen to put the kettle on. If it weren’t the middle of the night, she’d be calling out questions to him, but now she stays quiet. He slumps onto the couch and then slowly leans back until his head is resting on the top and he can stare up at the ceiling between heavy blinks.

The fresh, cool scent of spearmint starts drifting around the walls as Gwyn brews two mugs of sleepytime tea, as if she can’t tell how tired he already is. He appreciates the routine of it anyway; she used to make tea for him when he was a teenager and too stuck in his head about whatever shit was going on to fall asleep. Knowing that she’s doing the same thing now makes him feel warmer than the tea will.

She returns to the living room with a mug in each hand. She passes one to him and sets the other on the coffee table, before tightening the tie of her robe and dropping onto the couch beside him. “So.”

“So.” He rotates the mug between his hands. It’s slightly too hot to be comfortable but it keeps him focused and awake. “Did you know Alex was going to come see me in Austin?”

Gwyn pauses in blowing on her tea and looks faintly horrified. “No! I would have told you if he’d told me. When was this?”

“Today. Or yesterday, now, I guess. He went to the firehouse to ask Dad where to find me, but I was there for lunch.”

“He’s a lot more determined than I gave him credit for. He never struck me as the kind of guy who would chase you.” She grimaces. “In hindsight, maybe that was a sign that he’s not the one for you.”

“You know in my real life he cheated on me?”

Her face goes so dark, it’s like a very localised storm cloud descends over her. He almost recoils.

“He what?”

“With a spin cycle instructor. He told me the truth when I proposed to him. It was pretty humiliating. Everyone in the restaurant saw.”

“And you’re sure he didn’t cheat on you here too?”

TK shrugs and sips his tea, wincing when it’s still slightly too hot. “I guess not. I wouldn’t have stayed with him if he did.” He won’t tell her about the overdose. It didn’t happen in this reality and there’s no point making her worry about something she can’t change. “But that’s why I can’t be with him here. Maybe he doesn’t deserve it, but I can’t look at him and not remember what that other version of him did.”

“Is that why you came back? Has he made you flee two cities in less than a month?”

He laughs and sees her smile, and knows that’s what she was hoping for.

“I did not flee. The first time was more like a… panicked retreat, which I think is allowed after waking up in a completely different reality.”

“Uh huh. And this time?”

The lingering smile slips off his face. “This time wasn’t about him.” He looks down to stare into his tea. “I don’t belong in Austin, not in this version of it anyway. Dad has his own life, the 126 crew doesn’t need me, Carlos is in love with someone else. It hurt too much to stay.”

She scoots closer with a sigh and lays a hand on his forearm. “TK, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but… why are you here?”

“I just said–”

“No.” Her hand squeezes. “Not here in this city – here in this reality. You’re miserable. I don’t understand why you want to stay here when the alternative is going back to a place filled with people who love you.”

His mouth immediately opens, ready to spout some excuse, but then it drifts closed when no words pass his lips. Her gaze is sharp and steady, and the corners of her mouth tighten.

“It’s me, isn’t it?” she says. “I’m dead.”

Hearing her say it like that, so plainly, tears into him. He tries to speak but he can’t. She would know if he lied anyway; she always knows when he lies. 

Her throat clicks as a breath catches and she looks away, her eyes bright. It sparks him into movement, and he sets his mug on the end table so he can press himself against her side.

“Mom, I– I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, honey.” She doesn’t look at him but he can tell by the waver in her voice that she’s trying not to cry. “I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”

“…I’m still sorry.”

Should he tell her how it happened? Would it make her be more careful or just scare her? She’s pretty fearless, but if it were him, knowing how he died in another life would make him paranoid.

“I don’t want to know the details,” she says, as if she can read his mind. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?”

“Because,” she takes a breath and turns back to him, looking determined, “it’s already happened where you come from, and none of us know what will happen here. I might die tomorrow or in forty years. It’s not ours to know the future.”

She’s taking this a lot better than he would. If someone came from another reality and told him he had died there, he would probably have some kind of breakdown. There’s a tremor in her fingers and there’s a small furrow between her brows, but she’s holding steady. For him, because she’s always been strong for him and she’s not about to stop now.

“How did you end up here?” she asks.

“I honestly don’t really know.” He shrugs. “We were getting ready to leave for your funeral, me and Carlos and Dad. It was so hard. I thought I knew what hopelessness felt like when Alex broke up with me, but I was wrong because it was nothing compared to this. I wished that things were different. The last thing I remember is leaving Carlos at the airport and then I woke up here.”

“Carlos was coming for the funeral?”

“Yeah.” He can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips. “He really liked you. You loved him. The two of you bonded over trying to get me out of bed in the mornings.”

She laughs and he wants to bottle the sound so that he never forgets it.

“I’m glad someone out there understands my pain.” She cups his cheek in a palm and her smile turns small but no less kind. “TK, you have to go home.”

“No.” He pulls away to shake his head fiercely. “I can’t. Don’t you see? If I’m here, you’re still alive. Jonah won’t have to grow up without you and I–” He sucks in a breath that ends on a sob. “I’m not ready. I still need you. You won’t get to see me get married or have kids, or do any of that stuff.”

“There’s no guarantee of that in this life either, and the way I see it, at least if you go back you can be with your friends and the man who loves you. You deserve that happiness. It’s not your responsibility to carry the weight of the whole world.”

“But who’s gonna take Jonah to dim sum?”

“I guess you’ll have to do it.”

He can’t stop the tears. Every sob starts somewhere deep in his chest and he can’t muffle the sound. He knows he needs to try, because he doesn’t want to wake Jonah, but he doesn’t know how. He’s never known pain like this.

She gathers him to her chest with a shushing sound and rocks him gently even though he’s clutching at her waist so hard that it must be painful.

“My sweet boy.” Her voice is thick with tears too. “It will be alright.”

“I love you,” he chokes out. “I’ll miss you so much.”

“I know you will. But I love you, TK. That will always be true, no matter where I am or what universe you’re in.”

His eyes are so heavy and through his harsh breathing, he hears her start to sing. The Neshama – he was so out of it on that plane to California that he shouldn’t remember it, but it comes back to him now. “A prayer for the soul” is what she said then, and he feels it now.

His breathing evens out and his blinks come slower. He’s so warm, with the hint of chamomile and spearmint on his tongue, and the scent of her rose soap in his nose, and her voice in his ears. He falls asleep between one breath and the next.

TK blinks and then squints. It’s bright out here on the tarmac. There’s a plane in the distance, cop cars and trucks parked nearby, and people who look vaguely shell-shocked milling around. His head feels strangely heavy with the memories of that other reality and the emergency plane landing laying over each other in ways they shouldn’t. It’s like his brain can’t quite make them fit together even though he knows they do. He was there, in that other Austin, and now he’s back in the real one. He knows he is, because he can feel the ache of losing his mom in the place where his heart should be.

His dad turns from where he was speaking to an airline official and wanders over. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

He’s not sure his previous measure of “okay” works anymore, and doesn’t know if it ever will again, but it’s true that he feels some kind of okay. No worse than before he got on that plane, and certainly better than the last two weeks.

They’re not gonna make it to the funeral. He knows it before he even asks, but he has to ask anyway, just to make sure. It doesn’t bother him as much as it probably should. He’s already said his goodbyes. Watching her casket be lowered into the ground isn’t going to change anything. He’d like to visit her grave one day, but for now he can still smell roses and feel her cool palm on his cheek, and that’s enough for him. Maybe later he’ll feel differently, and he’s sure there will be days when he regrets leaving her, but at least here he won’t be alone. She loved the life he’s built for himself here; she wouldn’t want him to give that up for anything, not even herself.

Owen glances over TK’s shoulder and nods his head. “I’ll go finish up.” 

He walks back to the official and TK turns away. The sight of Carlos running towards him is a relief like he’s never known. Carlos barrels into him so forcefully that TK staggers back and it’s like he can suddenly breathe again. He spent two weeks resigned to never feeling these arms around him again, and now here they are. He wants Carlos to hold on to him forever, and Carlos seems like he feels the same.

“I didn’t think I was gonna see you again,” Carlos says into his ear with a sniff and TK clutches him tighter. “I just kept thinking: I’m the one who put him on the plane.”

Carlos pulls away but before TK can reassure him, he looks down and grabs TK’s shirt. “Oh, my God. What…?”

It’s the blood. Somehow TK knows it is even before he looks down himself. There was a woman on the plane. She was injured and he helped her, and Tommy and Nancy helped him. His temple pulses as the memories he should have from this life fight to the surface and force the others down, but the memories from the plane are slowly becoming clearer.

“It’s not my blood,” he says. “It’s not me.”

He rests his hands on Carlos’s shoulders and looks up into his face. He’s the most beautiful thing TK has ever seen, even with his eyes full of tears. This is the worst day of TK’s life but he’s still so happy to see Carlos.

He takes Carlos’s face in his hands and kisses him before tugging him back into his arms. It feels like coming home.