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Jax sat in his room at the circus, head buried in his legs. That stupid award ceremony. What a farce. Of course, everything here is a farce. Nothing really matters or means anything.
God, he’s so pathetic. Getting all emotional like this. He thought he’d hardened his heart enough to avoid this whole situation! Stupid Pommi. But as pathetic as he is he can’t stop. Just because he avoided abstracting in the bathroom earlier doesn’t mean he’s okay. Far from it actually.
In fact he could say he’s worse. Because now he has to think about things. Now he has to worry about Pommi. He hopes he’s driven her away from him, but he doesn’t think so. He’d pretty sure she’s going to try and make him open up again.
But that’s not happening. He’s not going to open up, to her or anyone else. That would mean leaving himself vulnerable. Besides, she shouldn’t waste her time on someone like him.
He can hear her now. “I know you’re not a bad person Jax, you’re just hurting.”
Please. Just because he’s hurting doesn’t make him a good person. Or even an okay one. He’s a sociopath and an asshole. He knows that. The fact that he’s hurting doesn’t change that. It doesn’t make everything he’s done okay somehow. That’s a bandaid solution. And he would know. His entire life is a bandaid solution at this point.
So he’s hurting. So what? He’s still a sociopath. He’s still an asshole. The only thing that changes is that he has a sympathetic reason now.
But he doesn’t want sympathy. From Pomni or anyone else. What good with sympathy do? It wouldn’t change things. He’s still stuck here.
You know those stupid cartoon theories about how every show ever takes place in purgatory or hell? He doesn’t usually believe those theories, but he believes it here. Because it’s not a theory.
They’re all in hell. Maybe not the biblical one, but some kind of hell. What else do you call being in a place where you can’t die, you can’t leave, and everyday you’re closer to going insane. Everyone will eventually go insane. It doesn’t matter how sane they started out.
He is going insane. He’s not quite there yet, but he’s close. He’s so close. There’s an edge, and he’s about to fall over it. And the only thing that keeps him grounded. That keeps him sane, is treating everything like a game.
It doesn’t matter what he does. It doesn’t matter who he hurts. This place doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter. Because it’s all a game.
Him not mattering is actually how he’s coping with the whole thing. If he doesn’t matter, then the situation he’s in doesn’t matter. Anything that happens to him doesn’t matter. It’s a hard lie to keep up, but he’s managing.
Or was managing. Stupid Pomni. Why did she have to try and inject emotion or meaning into things? He was able to keep up with his lie as long as she kept acting like nothing mattered. Like it was all game. But no. She had to decide they were bonding. She had to make things real.
And there’s the award ceremony. Like he said earlier, a farce, but one that reminded him that he’s in a show. People are watching him. You are watching him. Judging his every action. Trying to read into his character. Even the person writing this is doing exactly that.
Do you think it’s funny? Do you just laugh and laugh at all the wacky situations they’re put in?! Because that’s all he is to you isn’t it? Entertainment. Something to watch for fun. Even when you’re hurting or crying or feeling sympathy. You’re having fun. Why else would you keep watching?
And he knows what you’re thinking with his episode. Poor Jax. I feel so bad for him. He’s not a bad person. He’s just hurting. He can turn this around. Well guess what?! He’s not going to! Because that’s not something he’s interested in! You want a redemption arc?! Well you’re not getting one! Expecting that is like expecting this whole thing to end in sunshine and rainbows!
You know why?! Because that would mean accepting that he matters! That everything that happens to him is real! And he’s only staying sane because he doesn’t care about anything! Let him have his nihilistic depression goddamn it!
He can’t see it, but he knows his pupils are becoming more like scribbles. Just like in the bathroom earlier. He’s about to fall over the edge. And part of him wants to. It would be so easy to. To give in to the abstraction. To let go of everything and simply allow himself to go insane.
It would be freeing really. No more worries. No more feelings. No more circus. No connections or ties. No more providing entertainment for an invisible audience. Just being. It was so tempting to just give up. After all, nothing that happens to him matters. So why would abstracting?
He’s broken out of this by a knock at his door. He has a feeling he knows who it is. “Jax? It’s Pomni. Can we talk?”
He takes a deep breath. Time to get things together. He’s not giving up yet. He doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s some way of fighting against this place. Either way he’s not going today.
He doesn’t answer. Anything he could say would only encourage her. Maybe she’d go away if he didn’t.
“Jax! I know you’re in there! I’ve looked everywhere else.” Pommi said. Really? She’d looked everywhere? She cared that much? What was wrong with her? Why can’t she just accept that he’s not worth anything? That nothing is?
The pounding on the door becomes more intense. “Jax! Come out of there you coward! “
He chuckled. He knows what she’s doing. She’s trying to antagonize him so he’ll react. So he’ll indulge her. Well its not happening. He’s not giving her anything.
The pounding became more and more constant, frantic even. “Jax! Get out here!”
Ugh. The last time someone was this persistent in getting him to care was Ragatha. Ragatha with all her cloyingly sweet niceness. He’d managed to nip that in the bud and he’ll do it again. Seriously though the nerve of her earlier. Trying to corrupt Pomni? Like he put that much thought into it. He was just trying to get Ragatha’s goat.
“Jax. Please answer. I need this!” Pommi pleaded. He didn’t bother to reply and in response, the banging on the door became worse. No longer reminiscent of knocking in any way, but more like a flurry of hits, like she was trying to break the door down. And all the while she’s pleading with him. It’s not long before she’s sobbing as the banging continues.
Eventually it stops. He can only assume she’s tired herself out. This is confirmed when her breathy voice says. “Fine. Be that way. You can’t stay in there forever. I can wait.”
He listens as she storms off. Good.
…What? Did you think it was going to be one of those fics? Where he changes his mind and lets Pomni in? Where he starts to care again and feels better about things? Do you want a happy ending for him?
Aww, how sweet. You actually care about him? You want him to feel better? You want him to delude himself into caring again? You want him to gain hope for some kind of happy ending that will never happen? And all so you can feel better about his situation?
Jax can’t help but laugh maniacally. You’re a fucking sicko you know that? Not just you. The writer is also a sicko. Because she’s very deliberately going against his desire to not be examined on a deeper level.
But you know. Maybe he should feel sorry. After all, she’s wasting the finite time she has on Earth writing character studies on a cartoon bunny. How pathetic.,
Fine then. Care about him. Dig your own grave.
Because guess what? You’re gonna break. Things only get worse from here. You’re going to go through the emotional wringer over the next three episodes. And all because you care.
That was your first mistake.