Chapter Text
Behavior pattern was something Hyuntak had accidently learnt to spot.
It had become as natural as breathing to him, mindless, a part of him that one had to look for to really notice.
From little, more insignificant things, like Juntae's subtle dislike and discomfort of strangers towering over him when he was sitting on the aisle seat on the bus, until Hyuntak started pestering Humin into giving up his window seat for him.
He gave no indication that he had noticed how Juntae looked more relaxed sandwiched between the window and Humin, a person he could trust.
No explanation, other than playful jabs at Humin as he claimed that he just needed the proximity to annoy him more easily.
To bigger things, like being able to tell that Humin had been in a fight with his dad from the moment they greeted each other in the morning.
From Humin's smile, which lacked just a bit of its usual brightness, the slightly smaller portion on his plate and the fingers that would subtly fidget with Hyuntak's hoodie string as he had his arm wrapped around his shoulder.
On those days, Hyuntak would simply grab his hand as soon as the time to part ways came, pull him towards his house and keep him busy with meaningless topics, offering snacks and the distraction of much needed company.
He had found ways to notice the important things and help with those odd ways of his.
Effortless and subtle, to the point where sometimes Hyuntak himself wasn't aware he was doing it.
Despite all that, months had passed and Hyuntak had yet to find a way to entirely read Yeon Sieun in the same way.
He could spot the obvious signs of fatigue that even a stranger wouldn't miss, he could tell when the boy was in a slightly better mood than usual, saw the barely there smiles he offered mostly at Juntae.
There was also something familiar that Hyuntak couldn't stop noticing even if he tried. He couldn't name it, but it felt as though he had been looking at that very same thing his entire life, as though he should fix it somehow.
Hyuntak had no idea how to help and Sieun didn't seem willing to show him how to.
He had tried many times and each one left him more and more confused than the previous.
Like the time Sieun had gone days without joining them on the school cafeteria for lunch and by the fifth day Hyuntak mindlessly suggested they go try out a new food truck that had settled near by, one that he knew Humin had been dying to try out.
Sieun hadn't even concidered joining them, simply looking away as he immediately gave him a variation of his short, negative replies.
Hyuntak saw guilt. He never addressed it.
Or the time Sieun had looked more tired than usual, but had still somehow agreed to play basketball with them.
Hyuntak had hovered around him like a hawk, his eyes trained on the boy's sloppy moves until Sieun inevitably tripped over his own feet.
Hyuntak had been merely two feet away from him, had offered his hand at once, as if he had been expecting the other to fall, and grinned playfully with a teasing comment just at the tip of his lips.
" Don't leave me hanging, come on." was all he managed to get out before his grin fell slowly as Sieun merely glanced up at his hand with trembling pupils.
He ignored it and got up on his own with a quiet thanks.
Guilt. Again.
Though that one might've been Hyuntak's fault.
Sieun hated people touching him in general. That's all he repeated in his head to reassure himself, while he desperately tried to ignore the ache in his chest as all the times Humin or Juntae's touch was seen as tolerable and comforting flashed in his mind.
Then came the time when Hyuntak had noticed that some days Sieun couldn't seem to find a comfortable position to sleep before class began, always shifting back and forth and sighing in his arms.
Before he could even realise what he was doing, Hyuntak had found himself walking back from the club room with a small pillow in his hand, the one that Humin tended to use whenever he wanted to sleep after long practice sessions and the same one that Hyuntak wouldn't stop teasing him for due to its soft pink colour.
He had placed it under Sieun's desk, his eyebrow rising curiously when the boy eventually walked in and froze horribly at the sight.
Sieun had looked up and scanned the room in a haste, his gaze crazed with something unnamed before it eventually settled on Hyuntak.
" For your beauty naps.", was all Hyuntak said, making sure to wear an easygoing smirk to try and ease the panic he had accidentally caused.
Sieun didn't respond, didn't even touch it, and by the end of the day Hyuntak had found it back in the club room, placed on the couch carefully, as if it was a sacred thing.
More guilt followed. Achingly similar to the guilt he'd been seeing for years.
And while Hyuntak knew enough about him to understand why the boy was filled to the brim with it, he couldn't figure out why it was aimed at him so frequently.
Though, what he did end up figuring out was where exactly he had seen that very same guilt before, which pair of equally expressive eyes had been giving him those exact same looks.
" I think Sieunie hates my guts.", Hyuntak had confessed randomly, making the characteristic thud of the basketball hitting the ground come to a sudden halt.
" Don't be stupid.", was Humin's simple and stern reply that echoed across the empty field.
" Fine, he doesn't hate me, but he doesn't seem too fond of me either.", he corrected with a roll of his eyes.
Humin had looked at him, a suspicious and puzzled frown decorating his face as his hand slithered around his waist, instinctively offering comfort by rubbing small shapes over his shirt.
" Where is this coming from?"
Hyuntak melted subtly against the touch, his creased eyebrows softening slightly as honesty was practically drawn out of him through the gentle gesture.
"Everything I do to get closer to him ends up being wrong." a quiet mumble, more for himself rather than the other boy.
" He gives me some weird looks sometimes.", he added quietly, suddenly embarrassed at his own doubts.
And for a split second he swore he saw a realisation flash by Humin's eyes, understanding and a hint of pity.
" It's Yeon Sieun. He gives everyone weird looks, you're not special. ", Humin chuckled, letting the previous look completely dissolve behind playfulness, as though it had never been there, as though his grip around the other hadn't tightened momentarily.
" I don't mean those weird looks. ", Hyuntak grinned with a thoughtful tilt of his head,
" Sometimes he looks almost terrified, or-", he stopped.
This is so stupid.
But Humin didn't appear to think so too, if his intrigued and concerned scowl was anything to go by.
" Or? ", the other pressed, soft, but suddenly curious.
" It's dumb, screw it. ", Hyuntak thought out loud, but his arm was smacked harshly, yielding him to go on.
" Sometimes he looks at me like you did after everything happened.", he confessed vaguely, avoided the word like it was a curse, while motioning his hand around and nodding his head downwards, more specifically towards his knee.
Humin didn't say a word.
He barely even moved, opting to simply pull his hand away and tilt his head down.
He knew. He had noticed too.
He knew more than Hyuntak did, and still, he chose to simply smile sympathetically, in a way telling him you'll figure it out when the time comes.
" He doesn't hate you, dumbass.", was all he said in the end.
Quiet, tender, as if he physically couldn't get his voice to harden and go back to its normal volume.
Hyuntak hummed dismissively and snatched the ball from the other's hand.
" Guess I need to stop overthinking. ", he muttered, not entirely convinced yet, but unwilling to continue the conversation.
He never did stop overthinking it. With every remorseful look shot his way, he felt more and more heavy, felt the need to step in and fix something he seemed to have unwillingly broken.
There were times when he annoyed himself by how hard he had to try to read Sieun, despite him being broken in a way Hyuntak had dealt with before.
Sieun's entire existence was a familiar call for help and Hyuntak desperately wanted to respond.
From the outside it seemed as though Sieun himself didn't want anyone to pick up, to step in and offer a hand, but Hyuntak knew better than to give up and let him be.
He had spent his entire life with a person cursed by that mindset, a person with a much different demeanor, but similar, almost identical, signs of helplessness and traces of deep rooted guilt.
The difference was that Humin had eventually accepted his help, while Sieun only grew more and more distant with any attempt.
So Hyuntak kept trying, placed a bet with himself and let his competitiveness and concern push him forward, to watch closely, to notice more and more things.
It was amusing, really.
How little Hyuntak seemed to know about the boy he'd be confident to call one of his best friends, yet how much he could guess from his posture alone, from the way the boy barely carried his weight across the school hallways.
He only knew parts of his story and none of them were pleasant, but none gave him an explanation as to why his help specifically was unwelcome.
It was all far too amusing.
Just as amusing as the sight in front of him at that moment, as their poor excuse of a sleepover in his house took a slightly darker turn in the middle of the night.
The sudden gasp that had tore the room's silence in half happened merely seconds after Hyuntak had opened his eyes.
It hadn't been a coincidence. The rapid rustling next to him had woken him up and the panicked breathing that followed right after only made him more alert.
He had expected to see Humin hovering above him, to feel the familiar arm snake over him and seek comfort, for the other to bury his head in the crook of his neck and stay rooted there until the remnants of his nightmare faded away.
But Humin was right next to him, his steady breath fanning his hair and his arms so shamelessly wrapped around his waist, like a constant, grounding weight Hyuntak had long gotten used to.
Instead he saw Sieun, sat up on his futon a few feet away from him and trying to stop his rapid breathing from shattering the silence even more.
Maybe it was fatigue that made Hyuntak stay put and not move a muscle as the boy shook slightly and hid his face within his palms. Or maybe it was an odd mix of both understanding and fear of pushing him away once again.
Whatever the reason may have been, he kept his eyes half lidded and merely observed as Sieun carefully stood up, as he packed his jacket and charger into his backpack before grabbing his phone and typing something.
He looked back at them for a few moments, stared at their sleeping forms with something so wistful and regretful at the same time, as if he was yearning far too much for something that terrified him.
The remaining three phones lit up the dark room as soon as the door shut quietly behind Sieun and only then did Hyuntak pull himself out of his trance.
A taunting notification from their groupchat was reflecting back into his eyes when he grabbed his phone.
-Something came up. Don't worry., it read. Simple and dry, but it was progress, it was enough to make his heart swell.
Two months ago Sieun wouldn't have even agreed to sleep over at an other house, or be would have left without a word.
Hyuntak clutched his phone against his fist as he carefully unwrapped the blanket and Humin's limbs from around himself and rushed towards the exit of his bedroom.
The door of the house closed with a quiet thud and his heart skipped a beat at the sight of the empty hall.
A distant figure, hunched in on itself had just then stepped outside of the front yard.
"Yeon Sieun.", he called, his voice cracking slightly when his untied shoe laces almost managed to make him face plant on the pavement.
Sieun froze for a few seconds before turning around to face the other, observing with wondering eyes as he walked towards him with wide steps.
" Going on a late night walk so suddenly?", Hyuntak joked as soon as he caught up to him, an attempt at easing into the conversation he suddenly needed to have.
Sieun let his eyes drift towards the backpack hanging off his shoulder before looking back at the other with an unimpressed frown.
" I'm going home.", he said casually, his voice wavering so little that Hyuntak almost missed it entirely.
He looked wrecked up close and under the light of the street posts. A tired and almost haunting look had taken over his gaze, welcomed by the signature dark circles and red rimmed eyes he had been wearing since Hyuntak had met him.
" Sleep's a tough thing, huh?", Hyuntak found himself muttering out loud.
And Sieun stared at him for a few moments, scrutinising eyes analysing Hyuntak's every move.
Hyuntak did the same, eventually able to spot the exact moment the realisation that he knew, that he had seen, struck Sieun.
" At times. ", the boy replied simply.
It wasn't a lie. It wasn't entirely dismissive like Hyuntak thought it'd be. It was a start.
" At times, sure.", he mirrored quietly as his mind supplied him with images of all the times Sieun's expressive eyes had been decorated by prominent dark circles, or the familiar pills Juntae secretly offered him when it got too bad.
" You packed your things so quietly. ", he commented after a few seconds of silence, opting to slightly change the subject as soon as he saw the boy's gaze drift towards the ground in uncertainty.
Sieun's eyebrows rose slightly before furrowing just a tiny bit.
"I didn't meant to wake you up."
Something in Hyuntak's chest ached at the apologetic tone the simple words carried.
" Ah, you didn't. The prize for that goes to Baku and his snoring.", Hyuntak lied easily, despite the wary look he received.
Still, Sieun accepted the lie and nodded.
"I'm going now.", he mumbled as he began to walk away, but once again found himself freezing in place when the sound of his footsteps was mirrored.
" Alright, lead the way."
Hyuntak was beside him, hands in his pockets and his head tilted up towards the night sky in such a painfully familiar way that made Sieun reel back even more.
" What are you doing?", he questioned and watched as the boy stopped in his tracks and turned around with creased eyebrows, as if questioning his actions was obscure.
Hyuntak pouted slightly in response.
" I could use a walk, you could use a bodyguard, it all works out.", he explained with a tone so casual and borderline smug that made Sieun's chest ache with familiarity, burn with nostalgia that he had been desperately trying to push back for the last two years.
" You look like a wreck.", Sieun deadpanned after scanning him from head to toe, sharp gaze flicking back and forth from the mess that was Hyuntak's hair and his eyes which were slightly swollen from exhaustion.
" I doubt you'd be able to protect me or yourself from a middleschooler at your state. "
Instead of getting faux offended like he would with anyone else, Hyuntak merely threw his head back in a huff.
" There goes my pride, I guess. ", he grinned, carefree and casual, as if the whole world was moving at his pace.
The other stared for a moment longer than he normally would allow himself, gave Hyuntak a chance to read his eyes, in a way challenging him to.
Hyuntak could translate nothing but guilt, as if it was the only thing Sieun couldn't figure out how to hide.
" I'll text when I get home, if it makes you feel better.", was all Sieun's monotone voice offered before he began to distance himself once again.
A hand grabbed his shoulder, but Sieun only stopped walking when the boy spoke.
" Can I know why you're leaving? "
He suddenly sounded so desperate and pleading, as if he would explode if he didn't get a sincere answer, as if all the times his help had been rejected had stacked up and were physically crushing him.
Hyuntak's mind flashed back to the look Sieun had given the three of them before closing the door. That broken and undeciphered look that screamed uncertainty and panic.
It hadn't come just from whatever dream he had seen, Hyuntak knew that much.
It was fear, but it wasn't caused by the nightmare alone. It was panic, but his choppy breathing hadn't quite matched with it.
Sieun saw the turmoil, the despair, and his remorse only doubled.
" It's overwhelming. ", he confessed eventually, refusing to meet his friend's eyes for reasons he himself didn't want to acknowledge.
Hyuntak recoiled slightly, surprised that he even got a reply, much less a genuine one.
" In a bad way?", he wondered with a frown.
" Is there a good way?", Sieun countered after a few seconds.
Hyuntak huffed, " Sure is."
When Sieun finally turned to look at him he felt his shoulders fall a bit, felt an odd sense of thrill at finally being given a chance to help, to peak in and get answers.
Elaborate, Sieun's eyes said and Hyuntak caught it effortlessly, as though he'd been speaking a language like his since forever.
" Don't you ever feel like you're drowning while surrounded by people you care about?"
Sieun's eyebrow shot up in amusement.
" That doesn't sound good or healthy.", he deadpaned.
" Ah, guess I worded it wrong.", Hyuntak chuckled while scrunching his nose in thought.
" It feels like your heart is constantly about to explode with endearment.", he eventually chose to say, his eyes now closed as his voice grew softer with each word.
" It's overwhelming in a good way, to the point where you're asking yourself if you're even worthy of feeling like that. "
His eyes opened just in time to catch a glimpse of that same exact look he had been sure he'd never translate.
Seeing it up close created a knot in his throat, the tangled string rolling down and tugging against his chest with sorrow.
" That still doesn't sound healthy.", Sieun commented, despite his shaking pupils diverting away from other the moment they spotted recognition.
Hyuntak snapped out of his trance and scoffed softly.
" You know exactly what I'm talking about, you jerk. "
Sieun's lips opened, then closed, suddenly awkward and hesitant in a way that made him finally look like the teenage boy he was.
And Hyuntak waited, tried to not drown in the achingly familiar remorse that was aimed at him, tried to not replace the boy's eyes with a more familiar pair.
" Do you feel like that sometimes?", Sieun then asked quietly, as if ashamed of being curious, afraid of getting close.
" You mean with the three of you? Fuck no. ", Hyuntak huffed, a painfully obvious lie to both, but playful enough to keep the mood light.
" Maybe I can feel something similar with Juntae, but the other bastard only exists to bring me to my limits. ", he continued with a scowl that turned just a bit more soft the moment he turned to look at the other.
" You're okay too, I guess. Somewhere in between. ", he added with a grin while nudging his elbow against Sieun's shoulder.
Guilt. More guilt and nothing else.
That's all Sieun's glistening eyes allowed him to see.
" Have you ever felt like that?", he felt the need to ask, to know if Sieun had been fortunate enough, if he himself had been a good enough friend to return that redeeming emotion.
A hum. Affirmative and soft against the cold breeze of the night.
"A few times."
And the raw relief that flowed through Hyuntak must've been visible enough because Sieun's eyes suddenly softened in a way they only ever did when Hyuntak wasn't looking.
" Oh? ", exclaimed Hyuntak, his voice filled to the brim with curiosity and something achingly close to pride,
" When was the last time? "
He was looking for an answer, for confirmation, and Sieun saw right through it all.
Still, he chose to simply hand it to him.
" Right now, I think. ", he shakily exhaled, as if admitting it out loud would set off a bomb.
Hyuntak's smile took a few seconds to bloom, as though his mind had suddenly gotten tangled in the combination of unfamiliar tenderness and terror in the other's voice.
He felt light, floating in the relief of the revelation, at how full it made his chest feel.
" So that's why you won't stay?", he asked with a huff in an attempt to disguise even a bit of the unfiltered fondness his voice was layered with.
" You like us too much? "
Sieun's gaze flickered until it fell towards the ground.
" I shouldn't feel that way.", he elaborated poorly.
Fear had appeared among the guilt, lurking in the way every word was said.
Hyuntak's eyebrows shot up, wary rather than shocked.
"Why not?"
It sounded almost rhetorical, as though he already knew the answer, but needed to confirm it, or rather silently beg Sieun to prove his suspicion wrong.
But Sieun wasn't fond of lying, especially not when the last time he had attempted to had ended up consuming the last two years of his life. That simple and well intended lie had been dragging him further and further down, forcing him to search for the bottom of an endless ocean.
Sieun refused to lie and the sickeningly familiar pair of eyes stuck on his might've been an extra reason not to.
" It hasn't worked out too well for me in the past. "
And it won't work out too well for any of you either.
It was left unsaid, but Sieun found himself reeling back when Hyuntak seemed to have heard it loud and clear, as if the boy was fluent in a language that Sieun had made up himself, as if he'd been speaking it his entire life, just in a different dialect.
So maybe it had been a mistake to not hide it better, to underestimate the other,
because the way Hyuntak's eyes widened in pure recognition clogged up Sieun's throat with regret.
Before he could risk seeing the full reaction, Sieun began walking again, this time without any variation of a goodbye.
" You shouldn't punish yourself like that, Sieunie.", Hyuntak's voice stopped him in his tracks.
Sieun's fists clutched, shook subtly as they tightened around his backpack straps.
He felt exposed in a way he hadn't felt ever since he had decided to briefly talk about his past to Humin, seen in a way he had been trying to avoid.
"What?", he questioned and froze in place when Hyuntak looked at him as if he knew everything, as if Sieun had already told him the story of his unfortunate life.
He looked away, despite how much it hurt to hear the other's breath hitch in panic.
" You blame yourself for something you couldn't prevent and now you refuse to let others get close in fear of them getting hurt too.", was the rapid reply he got, rushed and eager to be heard.
Sieun turned to fully face the other again, only to be met with a pair of desperate eyes laced in sorrow and an ounce of anger.
Hyuntak looked just as wrecked as Sieun felt, the sudden ache in his chest making his eyes play tricks on him.
The boy in front of him suddenly looked much taller, broader and far too familiar, blue fading into red.
" I know someone similar to you and everytime he feels like that I want to just punch his teeth in until it leaves a gap big enough for some sense to sneak into his brain. ", he thought out loud with a rough, humourless chuckle that might as well have scraped its way up his neck with how pained it sounded.
" I'm not like Humin.", Sieun opted to say.
Blunt, straightforward, but purely dishonest.
He knew it to be true, after all. He could see it himself.
The surprise in Hyuntak's face at the mention of the other's name vanished as quickly as it had arrived, replaced with a saddened, knowing grin.
" Damn right, you're somehow far more stubborn than that jackass. ", Hyuntak said behind gritted teeth, mumbled it like it was a curse he'd been carrying,
" But I'll tell you exactly what I tell him everytime. ", he finally walked forward and shot a wordless question, waited for the subtle and questioning nod before placing his hand on the boy's shoulder,
" It wasn't your fault."
Gentle, but firm. Honest, borderline pleading to be believed.
Sieun looked right at the hand on his shoulder as he spoke.
" I put someone in a coma." an attempt to scare the other away, delivered nonchalantly and with no colour, as if begging him to be afraid and leave him alone.
But the soft blue of Hyuntak's soul faded into a vibrant red for a split second, his widened eyes turned sharp and painfully familiar.
" He fought for me and now he's gone.", Sieun found himself muttering, the sound of his voice being foreign in his own ears.
He expected the other boy to pull away, to quit whatever he was trying to do, but just like his soul was familiar, so was his stubbornness.
Hyuntak merely sighed as he hid his face in his palm in exasperation.
" Ah, you're so much worse than Baku. ", he mumbled to himself and Sieun chose to ignore the fact that it almost sounded like a desperate cry.
" That person-",
" Suho.", Sieun interrupted immediately and his own eyes widened at the way the name rolled of his tongue so easily.
He had typed it countless times, but he had almost managed to forget its taste, or what it sounded like in his voice.
" Suho. ", Hyuntak repeated in a tone much softer than his usual, as if testing the waters.
Because this wasn't just any name. It was an introduction to the most important person of Sieun's life, a peace offering, a sign of raw trust that Hyuntak didn't believe he had.
Sieun nodded slightly, both a confirmation at the name and at the conversation Hyuntak was attempting to start.
" Suho fought because of me and ended up in a coma.", he opted to repeat, a confession that wasn't necessary, but instead something he suddenly had to get off his chest, had to say the full sentence just to feel the shame and remorse properly.
Hyuntak reeled back, pulled his now frozen hand away from him, and just as Sieun's hope started both rising and burning in flames, just as he expected to see fear and disgust, he was met with nothing but blank, widened eyes.
It slowly blended within a mixture of anger and distain, littered the boy's soft features with rage.
And Sieun hated how much it hurt.
He almost began to walk away once again, but the shaky exhale that suddenly filled the silence made him pause, made him really look at the other.
Remorse was leading the army of the war taking place in his eyes.
" I'm such a piece of shit, aren't I?", Hyuntak suddenly huffed as he tugged at his own hair lightly.
Sieun blinked, confused and suddenly alert.
"For all that stuff I said that one time. ", he said quietly, shame dripping down every inch of his existence.
Sieun's heart dropped slightly at the bitterness the words held, at the realisation that Hyuntak was aiming the rage and disgust entirely at himself rather than at Sieun.
His gaze softened without him even realising.
" You didn't know.", he frowned, pointily trying to ignore the odd need to reach forward and offer some sort of comfort.
" That's exactly why I shouldn't have said anything. "
" You felt threatened.", came Sieun's simple observation.
" Don't defend me.", Hyuntak scolded, suddenly hesitant to even glance at the conflicting look the other boy wore, as if he didn't feel worthy of seeing any hint of forgiveness.
" It was all technically true, though.", was the thoughtful response, unbothered and casual, as though this was a normal conversation topic,
" I ruined someone's life." and it was a strike straight to the heart to know that Sieun remembered his exact words.
Hyuntak flinched back as though the words had burnt him.
" I'm sure he doesn't believe that.", he suddenly sounded desperate, raw panic and sorrow flowing through his veins like fire,
" He doesn't blame you."
" Did you?", Sieun raised an eyebrow, half wary, half hopeful,
" Did you ever blame Humin? " and he opted to ignore how his voice shook, how the words sounded far more fragile than he intended.
Like a child seeking for approval, for anything to hold him up.
The other's hands twitched subtly, the simple question making his eyes widen further and his breath hitch in disbelief.
" No. ", Hyuntak scowled, almost cried the word out, because it was such so ridiculous, so obvious.
" I never did and never will, but the other idiot has been stuck there, convinced that he ruined my life when in fact I wouldn't change a single thing from the day I met him. "
He never even understood how Humin would blame himself when none of it was something he could've controlled or changed.
But that same doubt and confusion Hyuntak had for years worked so hard to wipe away was suddenly in front of him once again, a raging and fresh wound that people had tried to patch up, but were barely successful at helping.
And the reason why was suddenly so clear.
Humin had Hyuntak to remind him, to pull him away from his guilt and smother him with reassurance every time things felt heavy.
Sieun didn't have Suho.
Sieun was stuck alone, believing the one person who loved him like no other must hate him, blame him for something he couldn't have prevented. An act of loyalty and care that ended with remorse and a cruel absence from Sieun's life.
Humin had his other half to brush his tears away and wipe that familiar frown away from his youthful features.
Sieun's other half was asleep, restless and unable to do anything other than slowly fight his way to consciousness.
Sieun didn't need help.
He needed Suho to tell him everything Hyuntak had told time and time again to Humin in order to pull him back on the surface.
Sieun needed Suho and Suho wasn't there.
But Hyuntak could speak on Suho's behalf until he came back.
He could try to make their resemblance and shared experiences useful.
" He loves you.", he uttered with pure certainty, as though the unconscious boy had personally told him, as though they shared thoughts along with past trauma.
"So fucking much.", he added with a wet chuckle and let his hand land softly on Sieun's arm, let his thumb draw circles on his skin in a way he knew to be helpful.
Sieun, who was suddenly frozen as if he had never heard of that word before, had never even considered its existence.
Sieun, who was looking at the hand clutching his arm as if it would disappear anytime soon and leave him alone and disturbingly light once again, leave him to float uselessly around the world, cursed to never meet the ground.
" I risked everything for Baku and I never, not once, believed the outcome was his fault. ", the other began again and Sieun didn't want to acknowledge the shakiness of his voice, but the sniffle that followed was enough to throw his act of indifference out the window.
" I reckon Suho feels the same.", Hyuntak went on to whisper, the corners of his lips tugging upwards as soon as their eyes met, offering a fond and pleading smile.
Sharp eyes stared back at Sieun, a gaze familiar and determined in the most endearing and wistful way possible.
Red flickered back to blue and Sieun couldn't find it in him to mourn its loss.
It hurt, but it was still there, different, but familiar. It didn't leave Sieun alone, didn't trick his eyes into believing that it was gone entirely.
It wasn't Suho, but it was Hyuntak.
It wasn't half of his missing soul, but it was someone who knew how to help patch the hole up.
It was an echo of words he had long convinced himself he would never get to hear, it was Suho's words spoken in Hyuntak's voice.
It was a mirror, a reflection of their souls that, despite not being a match, tried desperately to heal each other, just because they could, just because Hyuntak knew that the guilt wouldn't vanish away on its own.
" He wouldn't want you blaming yourself. He'd hate it more than anything.", Hyuntak added after a few moments of silence, after he was sure the other boy had enough time to process everything.
And he smiled in relief the moment he saw his words getting absorbed into Sieun's mind, saw the devastatingly late realisation roll down his cheeks in the form of crystalline tears.
He didn't reach forward to wipe them away, no matter how much the sight made his chest ache. It wasn't his place, wasn't his warmth that Sieun needed.
Instead he opted to nudge his shoulder lightly.
" Don't make me snitch on you the moment I meet him. ", he playfully scolded,
" He'll be rightfully mad and I'll side with him."
The grip on his friend's arm suddenly became tighter, as if sensing the other's distance, the need to feel grounded.
The silence was bittersweet, but light.
New, but certainly not unwelcome.
" He'd like you.", was all Sieun opted to say after a few moments, quiet, suddenly hesitant in such an endearing way that made the air between them feel even more familiar.
" Damn right he'll like me. ", Hyuntak subtly corrected with a soft smirk that Sieun couldn't stand to look at for more than a few seconds.
Because that simple correction had stunned his brain, had made him realise that he had almost been ready to give up the idea of Suho waking up.
It wasn't even hope that decorated Hyuntak's voice. It was certainty, a subtle reassurance, a promise that he'll wake up, that Sieun would get the other half of his soul back and Hyuntak would get to meet his reflection.
And, as if Hyuntak caught the inner turmoil and brief panic in the other's gaze, he moved his arm up and patted his shoulder gently.
" I don't think you should be alone right now.", he said simply, casual and straightforward.
" So either we'll go back inside together, or I'll sleep at your place.", he suggested with a small grin, which only widened when Sieun huffed and walked past him towards the half lidded door of the front yard.
Sieun eyed the hallway that lead to the bedroom as soon as they walked in the house and subtly reeled back at the thought of the overwhelming atmosphere.
" Wanna stay out here for a bit? ", Hyuntak wondered casually and watched as the other nodded and walked towards the living room with a sigh.
" What is it? ", he questioned, hastily making his way to the kitchen and coming back just in time to see Sieun sit carefully on the couch.
" I'm just tired. ", muttered Sieun, pointily ignoring how the other's eyes seemed to have lit up at the raw honesty of his answer, at the vulnerability he was choosing to let him see.
" Yeah, sleep tends to help with that. ", came the cocky reply Hyuntak had to offer before throwing a small bottle of pills towards the other and snickering softly at the glare the action received.
" Those are the ones, right?", he then asked and watched with forced indifference as Sieun's annoyed frown was replaced by pure surprise and wonder at the sight of the familiar bottle.
" My mom needs them sometimes, so we always keep some in the house.", he elaborated when a silent question was shot his way, suddenly feeling small under the boy's sharp and scrutinising gaze.
And while he expected to get the usual blant and remorseful frown, he froze in place when the corners of Sieun's lips tugged in a small, barely there, smile.
" Thanks. "
A quiet, fond mumble that forced an amused huff from the other boy.
The silence lasted only for a few minutes just enough time for Sieun to take one of the pills and then lean back on the couch with a sigh.
" So," Hyuntak started, hesitant and suddenly quiet as he plopped on the couch,
" Tell me how he's like.", he said while scooting closer to the other, leaving only a small gap between their arms.
Inviting, warm and just awkward enough for it to be endearing.
" I know what you're trying to do.", Sieun deadpanned right back after eyeing the other from head to toe.
Hyuntak only leaned closer and nudged him with his elbow.
" It'll work, I have a cozy shoulder.", he smirked softly and felt his anxiety settle slowly at the sight of a playful roll of the eyes.
Sieun didn't lean any closer, but he didn't pull away either.
" He's annoying and selfless. ", he began out of the blue, puffing when the boy next to him tensed slightly at the sincere answer.
" Hardworking, stubborn, kind.", he went on, unsurprised to find his voice softening with every word, every adjective and every memory brought to the surface.
" With a hero complex that knows no bounds."
Bittersweet and regretful to a sickening level, that's all that radiated off of the boy as he slowly melted more and more against the couch.
" No wonder you two fit together so well then.", Hyuntak huffed playfully, the glint in his eyes filled to the brim with fondness after seeing the other's warm smile.
Sieun's shoulder suddenly tensed against his own.
" I'm not like him at all. ", he denied, murmured it like it was a shameful thing.
" Yeah?", challenged Hyuntak, " What's your main difference?"
The reply arrived immediately, as though Sieun had spend hours, days, years thinking about it.
" He's a good person."
Hyuntak reeled back for a moment, his watering eyes and sorrowful frown swiftly being replaced by an unimpressed scowl as soon as Sieun looked at him.
" I asked for a difference, you punk. ", he scolded playfully with a scoff, but was only met with more doubt.
It hurt. Sieun had more empathy and warmth than most people who'd walk around proudly announcing they were kind, and yet he couldn't see it.
" You're much more warm hearted than you give yourself credit for.", Hyuntak found himself muttering, honesty dripping from every word like honey.
Sieun froze and for a moment Hyuntak swore he saw that familiar look of guilt take over his features, the very same one that had been haunting him ever since he met him.
And as if Sieun knew it hurt him to see it, he rushed to face the other way.
What did I do? Why is that look aimed at no one but me?, he wanted to ask, to beg for an answer.
Instead he let his lips purse shut, afraid of crossing an invisible line and drawing the other boy further away after the major process they had made this past hour.
" You remind me of him.", Sieun replied anyway, somehow able to read Hyuntak's thoughts and hear the desperate questions.
For a moment it made Hyuntak's throat feel tighter, made his racing heartbeat come to a halt.
" I do?", he eventually asked, both inruiged and shaken up by the revelation.
Sieun hummed.
" Sometimes so much that it hurts to be around you. "
You remind me of him so much that it hurts to watch you try to punish yourself for things you didn't do, Hyuntak wanted to counter, but he didn't need to.
Sieun knew.
They were two halves of two pairs, two shattered mirror pieces looking at their missing souls in the reflection.
It hurt Hyuntak, to watch a version of Humin that wouldn't allow himself to heal, despite also having the real Humin by his side.
So, in return, how much did it hurt Sieun to be daily reminded of the person he missed the most? To see a more fortunate version of him roam around the streets while wearing his familiar grin?
" Sorry.", Hyuntak mumbled instead of voicing any of it out loud, instead of asking what exactly he should change in order to bring some peace to the other boy.
" I should be apologising to you.", Sieun said with a firm shake of his head and a deep sigh.
" You thought I hated you, didn't you?", he wondered, despite already knowing the answer.
Hyuntak rushed to look away, suddenly feeling his face heat up just enough for it to be noticable.
" A bit, yeah. ", came the reply followed by a small huff.
Sieun shook his head again, his shoulders falling in disappointment for no one but himself as more of the familiar guilt he'd been trapped with started flowing through his veins.
" I'm just scared. ", a fragile confession, simple words that he had never dared to admit to anyone else before, not even himself.
And the way Hyuntak froze and tried to subtly create some space between them only made Sieun's lungs feel tighter.
" I'm scared that the moment I let you get close you'll have a similar ending as him." he elaborated hastily, turning to face the other before speaking again,
" You've almost had in the past.", he then said, his gaze flickering away at the reminder of Humin's mirrored rage and despair as he briefly told him their story.
" It wasn't anything like that.", Hyuntak rushed to defend, but let his lips snap shut the moment he was met with a stern look and watery eyes.
" You value your loyalty a lot more than your life."
Hyuntak swallowed sharply, unwilling to lie in order to defend himself.
" It's unfair for people like you to be around someone like me. ", Sieun went on to say, but a bitter scoff made his train of thought come to an abrupt halt.
" Are you implying that Baku is selfish for letting me stay? "
It fell harshly against the silence, bounced between them and made Sieun shamefully close his eyes shut.
" Like I said, I'm not like Humin and he's not like me. ", he defended quietly, uncertain and tired.
" You two are exactly the same and I know you can see it too. ", Hyuntak finally snapped back, managed to raise his voice just a bit,
" Selfless idiots who blame themselves for everything wrong in the world. ", he mumbled behind gritted teeth, listed everything with such exasperation and melancholy.
And he could see Sieun's conflict, could see him fight to not accept it, to find any difference between them, could see the doubt swim among his features and corrupting them.
In the end he settled with a simple and hushed " Humin can protect you. " I couldn't protect him.
The only difference he could find within his panic and fatigue.
A hand landed softly on his head, fingers buried in his hair as they brushed back and forth a few times in an attempt to ground him.
" It wasn't your fault, Sieunie. ", a loud and clear statement, tender and certain in all the right ways that forced more pools of tears to gather under Sieun's half lidded eyes.
" You did everything you could. ", Hyuntak added with a hushed tone,
" I can keep saying it over and over again, until you start believing it." until he wakes up, until he can say it too, his eyes spelled.
" Or until you get sick of me and actually start to hate me.", he finished with a smirk and forced an amused scoff from the other boy.
" Don't scoff at me, you punk. I'm being serious. "
His playfully offended scowl fell as soon as he noticed Sieun's lips tug upwards and his glimmering eyes crease just slightly.
And Hyuntak was sure he had never seen a smile so saddened, so wistful and yet simultaneously so hopeful in his life.
" You're so alike, it's annoying. ", Sieun whispered gently just as the first tear rolled down the curve of his cheek.
He hid it, opted to duck his head and hesitantly let it lean on Hyuntak's offering shoulder, his own body freezing when he felt him go tense.
" Though he's not as anger driven.", he spoke quietly, suddenly desparate to shift the attention away from the action.
Hyuntak's gaze was stuck at the table in front of them as he tried to mindlessly huff without moving an inch.
" I bet you he'll spend one week with Park Humin and change his tactics.", he replied with an audible grin.
" You love him a lot. ", a casual shift, soft, quiet and almost teasing.
" Huminie.", he uselessly elaborated and felt Hyuntak soften, almost melt under the pleasant weight of the familiar name.
" Of course I do." and it sounded as if that had been the first time he'd ever voiced it out loud, but it was far from the first time he'd shown it.
" He has been my one and only pillar for the longest time.", shameless, proud and melancholic in such a beautiful way.
" Now I've got three.", he added with a gentle smirk as he lightly butted his head on the other boy's.
" Four, as soon as Suho and I team up against you and Baku.", he then corrected casually, speaking of the boy he hadn't even met as if they had been friends already, as if he was welcome in the group before he even had the chance to wake up and ask for an invitation.
The normality of it all, the effortless determination and optimism radiating off of the other only made Sieun's bones feel heavier and his soul lighter.
" Thanks, Gotak-ah.", he mumbled, only then realising that his cheek had settled on Hyuntak's shoulder, slurring his words slightly.
Hyuntak was stunned for a few seconds, both by the endearment that rolled off his tongue easily and by the fact that the other didn't bother to move, to put back that familiar barrier of distance between them.
" Don't mention it.", he muttered with a radiant and audible smile of his own, a fond and prideful thing.
" I'm just glad you don't hate my guts. ", was the last thing Sieun heard before his eyes closed shut entirely and his body sagged in contentment.
Hours later he was barely crawling back to consciousness when the sound of a door slamming open echoed across the living room.
" Mystery solved.", said a quiet and high pitched voice, the tone relieved and full of awe.
" I told you no one would want to kidnap them.", an other voice joined, louder and bolder as it approached.
" That's a sight to behold, isn't it? "
Sieun felt the body next to his move a bit, almost as if attempting to melt more into the couch and away from the loud noise.
" Keep your voice down, dumbass.", a third voice sounded from right next to him, this one hoarse, whiny and filled to the brim with what could only be described as endearment that couldn't be kept in.
Fingers started raking through his hair, a playful and familiar ruffle that only made him feel more hazy and lost in the odd comfort he had been yearning to feel for the longest time.
A content sigh warmed up his skin and soft snickering reached his ears right as the hand moved from his head to the other's and the couch dipped down under Humin's weight.
"I'll snap your fingers off, I swear.", he heard Hyuntak mumble, the threatening words contrasting ridiculously with his gentle tone and the way he melted slowly against the touch and the added warmth on his other side.
" I'll forgive you for ditching me only because you graced us with the rare sight of Yeon Sieun being affectionate.", said Humin, the fondness bouncing right back along with the playful, faux betrayal in his voice.
" I didn't ditch you.", the other bit back at once as his head almost instinctively shifted from over Sieun's and settled on Humin's shoulder.
" You absolutely did. I woke up alone and miserable."
" Juntae was right there, why didn't you cuddle with him?", Hyuntak teased right back, familiar banter effortlessly falling into place despite their voices still carrying morning fatigue.
The latter's familiar giggle sounded as Sieun felt the couch dip in next to him and an arm just barely brush against his.
" You missed your chance.", retorted Juntae with an audible grin as mirroring amused chuckles filled the room.
" Now keep it down, you'll wake him up.", followed his hushed warning, stern despite the fondness it carried.
Sieun felt it again, that overwhelming endearment Hyuntak had briefly talked about. That same emotion that had him running away just hours prior, the one he believed he didn't deserve to feel.
The whispered bickering that kept going on his left along with the warmth that engulfed him from everywhere around him, the way Hyuntak's shoulder felt welcoming against his cheek, Humin's hand had left solace behind the brief and playful ruffle of his head and Juntae's arm was just barely out of reach, not there to overwhelm him, but to just provide grounding comfort.
It all was too much in the most melancholic and redeeming way possible.
It was almost everything he needed. Something, someone, was missing, but instead of pure dread filling him at the reminder, Sieun could only find himself feeling subtly hopeful, could only imagine a phantom hand clutching his and adding more to the serenity of the moment.
And as though Hyuntak's determination and certainty had bled through him, he felt oddly hazy, suddenly yearning for a moment that would sooner or later arrive instead of mourning something that hadn't been lost entirely.
Suho-yah, I'm sorry, was all he thought before once again letting his body relax against the warmth and stability.
I almost forgot everything you've taught me.