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Day 73 - Afternoon
Takumi sighed as he stepped through what remained of the front doors of the old, dilapidated mansion out into the residential ruins. He still didn't understand why Hiruko dragged him all the way out here on an expedition, just to leave immediately. Sure, there probably wasn't anything to do in there (despite Hiruko's jokes about typewriters and zombies; what the hell was that about), but surely they could at least...look around? Take in the sights? Think about the culture that led to whatever they found inside? Do something, anything, other than walk in, walk out? What an extremely odd choice for a date. Whoops, right, this absolutely wasn't a date. How could he forget.
'Date'. Every time Takumi said that word, Hiruko's face turned red and she denied any connection between that word and what they were doing, with increasing amounts of flustered irritation. It was honestly starting to get cute, seeing her react this way, but something about the whole thing was beginning to bother Takumi tremendously. Hiruko had certainly opened up more towards him after he remembered some previous timelines and made the promise to help them all reach Day 100 and break the time loop, but...there was still this distance between them. Distance he couldn't seem to close. Distance that seemed to originate from her specifically.
It wasn't just her cold, aloof nature, either. Takumi could tell that she had a softer side to her, that she cared about her friends in the Special Defense Unit. That much was obvious even in Takumi's original timeline, where the night before she disappeared, she revealed her true goal of making sure everyone survived the war. One could chalk that up to a sense of pride towards achieving total victory, but subsequent loops (including this one) made the picture a little clearer. She was capable of emotion and definitely capable of empathy, even if it didn't always seem that way.
And Hiruko clearly cared for Takumi as much as she did the others...maybe even more so, actually. Images from the timelines he remembered earlier this cycle kept floating through his mind every now and then. In pretty much all the ones he could remember, whenever Hiruko was alive, she was almost always on his side. Of course, as Assistant Leader, it was her duty to stand by the Team Leader and support his decisions, but...was there something more to it than that? Two memories stood out in his mind, from the...what did she call it? The Serial Killer timeline. One of Hiruko comforting Takumi at his lowest point, embracing him as he wallowed in his failure and despair. (He felt like there was something more important about that moment...but for some reason he couldn't quite remember...) And later, one of him tied to a chair thanks to the remnants of a hostile alien parasite stuck in his brain, the two of them locked in a kiss before the end of the world...
Takumi did not enjoy recalling these two memories, mostly because the events and emotions around them were quite negative, to say the least. And yet, whenever he thought specifically about his interactions with Hiruko in those moments, he felt...happy? Warm? Comforted? All three? Takumi wasn't exactly sure. The only thing he knew was he wouldn't trade those memories for anything in the world, and he wished he could hold onto them forever. And even though he couldn't exactly prove it, especially since Hiruko claimed to not always remember everything, he believed that she remembered those moments, too. So what did she think of them? Did they also bring her some sort of positive feeling? If it was just the first one, there might not necessarily be any deeper meaning. But the second one, combined with everything else...is a little more damning.
So...why, then? Why was she still emotionally holding him at arm's length, never once conceding in any meaningful way?
Takumi watched as Hiruko reached the wrecked gate on the perimeter of the mansion. She turned around and gave him an impatient look before speaking. "Well? Don't just stand there in a daze like usual. We need to get back to the school sometime today."
Takumi said nothing as he walked through the mansion grounds. Something else was going on here and, against his better judgment, he was determined to figure out what it was.
"Hey, Hiruko," he finally mumbled as he reached the gate, "we need to talk."
Hiruko, predictably, gave an exasperated sigh and then proceeded to obviously dodge any implications behind Takumi's statement. "Haven't we talked enough already for today? Are you that lonely that you need copious amounts of conversation at all times?"
"Me? Lonely? That's a bit rich coming from you," Takumi thought to himself.
"I'm not asking us to just stand here and waste time talking. We can just talk on the way. It's only a little past noon, we have plenty of time. Can't you just...humor me? For just one moment?"
Hiruko closed her eyes and gave another softer, quieter sigh. "Very well," she finally declared as she opened her eyes. "Let's go. I'll humor my servant this one time. But don't make me regret this."
As Hiruko left the mansion property and began walking down the abandoned residential streets, Takumi groaned to himself. Takumi didn't necessarily mind the whole mistress-servant thing, funnily enough, but it was starting to get a little grating, feeling less like any sort of relationship and more like a one-sided game in Hiruko's favor. He was also pretty sure there was a very high chance of Hiruko regretting allowing this conversation to happen, but too late now.
Despite wanting to talk, Takumi found himself at a loss for words for a few minutes as they silently made their way through the ruined coastal suburb. He wasn't quite sure how to start this discussion...
"So..." he eventually said after some time. "Forty years, huh? Forty years of this?"
Hiruko continued walking ahead of him, not looking even remotely backwards in his direction as she spoke. "Forty years that I can remember, yes. Likely more. It's been a long road to nowhere but the beginning, over and over and over again. If I said that I'm completely used to it by this point...I'd be lying."
"What was it like...the first time you realized what had happened?"
Hiruko thought for a moment before replying. "Theoretically, there could be another time I remembered that I don't remember now, but...the first time I can recall, I was...bewildered. After you told your time travel story on Day 3, it suddenly clicked in my head that I had heard it before. That I had been there in that War Room like that before. That I had done those 100 days already before. I thought I was losing my mind. Especially since your story was exactly the same as before. That instantly struck me as odd when I realized it. Both of us seemingly went back in time, but you didn't remember the time before, only the first, which I couldn't remember at all.
"Of course, now, I realize that was because you actually went back in time with Special Redo, so it would be impossible for me to remember. Anyway, since my memories weren't as substantial as they would later become, I just shrugged it off as a freak déjà vu incident and went through the 100 days again. It was starting from the third loop that I truly began to...completely lose my shit, as they say. It was maddening. Going through the same thing over and over. And the worst part is...every single time..."
Hiruko stopped walking and turned slightly to face Takumi, her expression one of profound frustration. "...you kept spouting the exact. Same. Story. Of the timeline I could never remember."
Takumi felt a little guilty, but not too guilty. He couldn't really blame himself. It's not like he could will himself to remember timelines...right? It only happened this time because he decided on a whim to hide his time travel shenanigans. Hiruko was the one who instigated the recall.
The two resumed their trek and a few more minutes of silence passed. "Have you been by my side this whole time," Takumi eventually asked, "as Assistant Leader, I mean? Or something similar?"
"Not necessarily every time," Hiruko immediately replied, once again not looking back. "Sometimes you made some truly boneheaded decisions that I found infuriating, even coming from you."
Takumi noticed something in her words. "What do you mean by that last part?"
A slight pause. "I simply meant that sometimes your stupid choices were even stupider than normal, more than I could handle. Stupid, even for you, like I said."
"That's not what you said, though," Takumi remarked. "You said 'even coming from you'. You were emphasizing the decisions coming from me, and your reaction to them, not the decisions themselves being stupid. As if there were idiotic things you could tolerate as long as it came from me."
Another uncomfortable pause. "A slip of the tongue," Hiruko countered. "I suggest you not think about it too hard."
"Okay, then. We'll ignore that for now. But to go back to before...you've been by my side for roughly this whole time. Why?"
"Because I decided to place my trust in you as a leader. Every time I tried to take charge for myself, ignoring my reluctance to lead a group, everything went horribly wrong. Even you should remember as much from your first timeline. How quickly that fell apart. So I eventually decided to let you handle all the important choices. Hopefully you would do a better job than I did."
Hiruko stopped walking, and turned around to completely face Takumi for the first time since they left. She sighed once again, and appeared to be lost in thought for a moment. "All these years later, I still occasionally struggle to decide whether or not that was a good idea, but right now...yes, I firmly believe that was the right choice. It got us here, after all. The closest we've ever been to victory."
She reached into the pocket of her Class Armor and pulled out a small figurine: one of a calico cat. The same figurine that Takumi gave to her on the night of Day 10. Hiruko momentarily closed her eyes and squeezed the figurine tight in her grip, before putting it back into her pocket. She turned back around and continued walking without another word.
"And," Takumi challenged, "there's never been anything more to it than that? Not a single thing?"
"Friendship," Hiruko said in a tone that was half-sarcastic. "Camaraderie. These are the words you want to hear right now, correct? I admit it, Takumi, I care about you as a friend. End of discussion."
That settled it. This was now a deliberate action on her part. Simply passing their relationship off as friendship in the most flippant way possible was not gonna fly. Not this time. It was time to bring out the big guns.
"The Serial Killer timeline," Takumi stated, "the night of Day 98."
"Oh, here we go," Hiruko interrupted with a groaning tone of voice. "Don't bring that up to me right now, Takumi. I'm not in the mood. I'm warning you."
Takumi ignored her protests and continued. "I was feeling pretty bad, to put it mildly. I asked you to stay by my side in the hopes that would comfort me and you...definitely did that. That moment we shared was...well, to be honest, it made me really happy at the time. And it makes me happy even now thinking about it, even though the circumstances were as awful as they were."
"You're trying my patience," Hiruko warned in a low voice.
"And two days later, after strapping me to a chair to prevent the G'ie data inside me from killing you horribly, you decided to stay by my side and not get on the escape pod."
"I know where you're going with this and I'm ordering you as your master to stop-"
"And then," Takumi concluded, "just before the missiles went off...you...we..."
Yet again, Hiruko stopped walking and faced Takumi. This time her expression was that of rage, albeit very subdued rage. "What do you want me to say, Takumi? The circumstances were some of the most dire I had ever experienced up to that point, for both of us. I did that to comfort you. I needed you then, more than ever, to hold yourself together. I pledged to support you and your choices, and I was willing to offer any assistance I could, when reasonable. That's what that was. I'll do anything it takes to keep our Team Leader focused and composed. Again, anything reasonable."
Takumi gave the smallest smirk. He was ready to call her bluff. "Okay. Then hug me again, like the night of Day 98. Right now."
"Excuse me?!?"
"I've been feeling pretty down lately. This whole inescapable time loop thing is starting to get to me, just like you. It would be nice if someone could help me feel better and tell me everything will be alright. And it's just a hug I'm asking for. Seems pretty 'reasonable' to me."
"Don't toy with me and my emotions, Takumi!" Hiruko was clearly very upset in a way that hurt Takumi to see, but he had to press forward.
"Your emotions? That's funny. I thought all that was about keeping my mental and emotional state together. I wasn't aware your emotions were such a huge factor, since your explanation mostly revolved around me. Also, the kiss. Your excuse falls apart there. We were seconds away from dying with no recourse. No real point in keeping me stable. You can say that was about making sure I at least died happy, but there's a bit more to it than that, isn't there?"
Hiruko said nothing and continued to glare at Takumi with a furious look on her face. But within that expression, he also saw a twinge of sadness. Not much further to go.
Takumi continued, "So why act so cold to me most of the time? Why not let your true feelings show more? Because you're terrible at emotional social situations? Because it's in your nature to be distant and detached? Simply leaving it at that isn't gonna cut it for me. There's something else going on beyond what Darumi would call this 'tsundere' shtick. And I think I've finally figured out what it is."
A painfully long pause. Hiruko's expression did not change even slightly. Takumi was the one this time to close his eyes and sigh before giving his theory.
"I realized it when I remembered you said the worst thing was hearing me give the same story each and every time. Because that was the only story I ever told. Because I couldn't remember anything else. Which means I forgot everything that came in between.
"You're afraid, Hiruko. You're afraid that if you get close to me...if we share any sort of feelings we have with each other...if we spend any tender moments together...that you'll remember...but I'll forget. Because I always forget."
Hiruko continued to say nothing. Takumi could see tears beginning to form in her piercing red eyes, still locked in a glare, as he resumed.
"Even now, after I remember moments we've shared, you're still scared to allow yourself to get close to me. I'm guessing this is the first time I've remembered anything? Anything significant, anyway? You're worried that if we fail to break the loop - a very real possibility no matter how hard you try to deny it - that next time...I'll forget it all again. I'm guessing it's been a long time for you since the Serial Killer Timeline. When I didn't remember the next time you did, it probably hurt. It probably hurt a lot. And I'm sorry for that. Really sorry.
"But that made you give up, didn't it? That's what solidified your detachment for good. Why bother getting too close to anyone? They're just going to forget next time anyway. Am I wrong?"
There was a pause that only lasted half a second, but felt like an eternity to Takumi, before Hiruko gave her passionate response.
"Fine," she yelled surprisingly loudly for her. "I admit it! You're completely correct! I need you to think about it, though, Takumi. Really take in what I'm about to describe to you. Do you have any idea what it's like to get close to someone, only for them to one day suddenly regard you as mostly a stranger? I know you do, Takumi. I know about Karua and Nozomi. But I need you to take it a step further, a huge step further. Imagine that happening dozens of times. Whether it's merely friends or something more, imagine getting snapped back to Day 3 with a clean slate, only you still remember nearly every damn thing that happened. Over and over and over again!
"It would be one thing if I had actually managed to make it anywhere close to Day 100 the first time around. Instead, my hand was forced and I had to be a complete tyrant to everyone around me, and then died before any of that could change. So I start on the back foot every single cycle. Yes, I know, you don't hold any of that against me, but I've always considered that to be starting from square one every single time it happened. And it's happened over 140 times. And I don't even always start remembering everything on Day 3 anyway, so that certainly doesn't help me any. But the instant I do remember...it hurts. It's hurt for years."
Hiruko was desperately trying not to full-on cry now. Takumi let her continue with her rant; it would be best for her to get it all of her system, after all this time.
"Yes, I've tried directly confessing my feelings to you. More than once! And every time, it all goes back to nothing! You don't remember any of those times even now, and I doubt you ever will! I stopped for a long while, and then the Serial Killer timeline happened. After that tragic end, as those Undying Flames burned us to ash, I hoped deep in my heart that that moment alone would somehow stick with you. Next cycle starts. I remembered. You didn't. And so, I gave up! Okay? The stubborn, unstoppable Hiruko Shizuhara gave up!"
Hiruko turned away, most likely so Takumi would not see her as tears began to run down her face. "You were right. There's no point in getting closer. Not yet. So let's just...go back to the way it was. Leader and Assistant Leader, Servant and Mistress, both. Whatever you prefer. Nothing more. It's better that way...for both of us."
Despite seeming to put her foot down on this conversation, Hiruko did not resume walking and stood firmly in the same spot, staring off into the distance. Takumi had broken her...but now it was time to rebuild.
"Sorry, Hiruko," replied Takumi. "But 'for both of us'? That's not true. That's not true at all. What if I told you right now, that..."
Takumi stopped dead in his tracks to think. This was the moment of truth. Did he actually have feelings for Hiruko? What about Karua? Or Nozomi? He felt strongly about all three, but there was a slight difference. He was now completely convinced Nozomi and Karua were the same person, so he could lump them both together in his mind. When he thought about them...he thought about his promise to protect them, no matter what. He still felt duty bound to honor that promise. But did he actually like Nozomi? Or Karua? Not just like - love.
He had to make the distinction between those two words because when he thought about the moments he and Hiruko shared...the promise they made to escape the time loop and be happy with everyone...he couldn't deny it any longer. So he thought for a moment about the other two...and...to say he felt no love for them would be a lie. But when comparing his feelings at the moment...he knew where his heart was pulling him towards right this very second. And he also suddenly remembered...something else...so...maybe...
"...that I love you, Hiruko? What would you do then?"
Silence. Hiruko was completely still.
"Because I do, Hiruko. And I think it would be pretty selfish of you to deny me any closure or response. But if you need some comfort for yourself...I think I can help.
"You see, I remembered something else just now. Just a fragment. I couldn't even tell you what timeline it came from. The only thing is a few sentences...from you. Quote, 'The Takumi Sumino that I know is essentially a good person. He cherishes his friends, has a strong sense of justice, and possesses good leadership qualities.' Unquote. And one more sentence: 'I had to wonder if the Takumi I'm seeing right now is the Takumi I know.'
"Knowing you're a time looper...the meaning of those sentences becomes way clearer. You've been concerned before that you've been dealing with a radically different Takumi than the other loops. And while I don't know what conclusion you came to in that memory...I choose to believe that I ultimately was the same Takumi Sumino.
"What you're really worried about is that if I forget, I'll essentially become a different person. That I won't be capable to responding to your feelings in kind. But in most circumstances, I think you'll find that I can. Because I'm almost always the same Takumi Sumino. Sure, you may not be able to just blurt out your feelings right away and make it happen. But if you put some effort in...you'll realize that the door swings both ways. Just like I'm always the same Takumi Sumino...you're always the same Hiruko Shizuhara. And I'm not asking for a barrage of lovey-dovey crap. I know that's not your style. Just be open every now and again, be vulnerable. Be there for me, and let me be there for you. It happened at least once. Technically, at least twice, if you count the end of the Serial Killer timeline separately. It can happen again. I guarantee it."
Takumi closed his eyes. "So please...Hiruko...could you show me how you really feel? I don't even really care about you being distant all the time anymore. I don't care about the jabs, the backhanded compliments. I can't deny that I probably deserve a few, anyway. I just have to know the truth. For just one moment, could you let your impenetrable emotional guard down once more and just-"
It all happened so fast. One second, Takumi was standing there alone with his eyes closed. The next, something had wrapped its arms around him and pulled him in close, forcing him to open his eyes to see what was happening. It was Hiruko, embracing him in a tight hug as tears fell from her eyes. Once again, he could hear the sound of her heartbeat. He could smell that soothing fragrance again...lavender.
Hiruko reached up and wiped off her face with her sleeve before returning her arm to being around Takumi. She began to whisper softly, "Is this enough for you, Takumi? Is this what you wanted?"
"Honestly...yeah. That's good enough for me, Hiruko. I lov-"
"Because it's not enough for me."
"Wh-"
The next moment also happened in an instant. Hiruko leaned in close and pulled Takumi's head towards her own. Takumi then suddenly found himself locked in a kiss. He closed his eyes and returned the favor, meeting her passion as equally as he could. After what felt like an eternity, Hiruko broke away and whispered into his ear...
"I love you, too, Takumi. Thank you for giving me this one more time. Even if you forget this...I won't."
Over a minute passed before Takumi snapped out of his trance. When he came to, he realized Hiruko was already way on down the street they were walking on, looking straight ahead.
"Chop chop, Takumi," she shouted in her usual stoic tone. "We need to get back before nightfall. Your master won't tolerate any further distractions from her servant. Start walking!"
Takumi smiled and walked at his own pace in the same direction. Honestly, it didn't matter to him what happened after that. It didn't matter if they made it back to Last Defense Academy and Hiruko pretended that never happened. It didn't matter if anything like this didn't happen for the 25 or so days they had remaining. He got the answers he was looking for. The answers he was hoping for. He would keep the emotions he felt, the hope for a future together with Hiruko, locked away in his heart for now.
Because those emotions, that hope, would be enough to take him all the way to Day 100. And Day 101, Day 102, and every day after that, too. When they could finally, at last, truly be happy...together.
For now, he would settle for just one moment.