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Junhee thought she saw a ghost.
The ghost from her dreams and nightmares. Ghosts she can’t tell if she wanted them to stay or go away. They taunted her many nights to the point of insomnia. It was not only them really. But their faces is what haunt her the most now. The faces of her ex boyfriend and her baby.
So much for telling him not to appear in her dreams.
It had been five months since the Squid games ended. Five months since she lost everyone and everything.
People and people, just more people. Human lives were gone just like that. All gone because of her.
-
When she opened her eyes, she thought she was in the afterlife. A dull place with dim lights and a heavy stench of blood. A place fitting for her, she thought.
"You're up."
Her eyes snapped, widening when they saw a familiar face.
"Ajhussi?"
Young-il didn't smile. He had a different vibe to him than she remembered. Cold. She wondered if he was a vengeful spirit with the all black he had on supporting her assumption.
He gave her a small pat on the shoulder, "You're alive."
...
She tilted her head in question before slowly sitting up. The throbbing pain in her head came to her in full force. It overpowered the pain all over her body. It felt too real.
"How..." She looked down at her legs, "Am I really...?"
The older man simply stared at her, not even offering words of comfort.
She had so many questions. Where was she? How was he still alive? Wasn't he and she both supposed to be dead? Who was he? Where was her baby? But she only croaked out one question.
"Did... Gihun ajhussi..?"
Young-il's face hardened at the question. That was all Junhee needed to know what the answer was. Her eyes are downcast. If he didn't survive then her baby...
Her hands clenched into fists, bringing one up to beat her heart. Anger. Anger towards herself. Grief. Grief for the man who supported her and her baby when she needed it the most. Grief for her baby she won't get to see grow up. She beat herself over and over, thumping hard against her chest where her heart was.
A sob wrecked from the back of her throat, echoing loud throughout the room. Young-il did not flinch.
She lost everyone.
Hyunju, Daeho, Geumja, Gihun and her baby.
She thrashed on top of the steel autopsy table, screaming. She was a pathetic sight. She didn't care that Young-il was watching her. It's not like it would change anything. Not like it could bring everyone back. Not like it could hide that she was weak and a hindrance to people around her. Not like she wasn't the reason they were all dead.
Myunggi...
That motherfucker. That son of a... he was dead too. He was... her everything. At some point, she imagined a future with him. Dreamt. That stupid but pretty mug of his. That stupid smirk he'd give to her whenever he was right in their arguments. Stupid eyes that'd express everything to her in just a single glance. Demanding touches in the right places that he knew would easily convince her. Little words that he'd say to make everything alright again.
But he wasn’t there to fix things for her anymore.
Silent tears finally slid down her face when she laid flat on the cold table, unable to move. Young-il was kind enough to remain silent throughout her breakdown.
He spoke after a while, "You're going to be sent back."
That was all she wanted when she was in the games. To go back home. But not anymore. Not when she had nothing to go back home for. Her reason for living was gone. Her baby. Her tiny person. Living and breathing. She was hers. She didn't even get to name her. She was no longer living and breathing.
"Kill me."
Young-il's expression cracked at her words, looking more humane than he had ever since she woke up. He muttered, "What?"
Junhee looked under her chin to where he was standing, "Please kill me, ajhussi."
"No."
"I..." Junhee inhaled sharply, "I have nothing. No money, no parents, no home to call my own. I joined to play the games for my baby. My girl. I didn't even know it was going to be a daughter. I made the decision to join the games on the same day I had a gynaecology appointment. I left before meeting the doctor. I was resolved. To give my baby all the things I never had. To give them... her the world."
She laughed dryly before continuing, "I never should've joined the games. No matter how easy or silly it sounded. I had no business playing when I was about to pop. I should've just sat my ass down and worked multiple jobs to pay off of my debts. It wasn't a big amount now that I think about it. Thirty million won. Not even half the money of each life lost in the games."
Young-il could only lend an ear to her.
"If I didn't join the games, everyone would've been alive. Hyunju, Youngmi, Geumja, her son and Gihun ajhussi." She clawed her arms with both hands as self-hatred grew the more she talked, "Even my... even my baby."
Blood streamed down her arms as skin broke and so did tears from her eyes, "My baby girl. A baby I didn't deserve to have. Myunggi was right."
Young-il's brow twitched at the unfamiliar name, "Myunggi?"
"Player 333." Junhee admitted easily since there was no point hiding, "He was the... father of my baby."
He didn't look surprised.
She sat up again and looked straight at him, "I came to the game solely for my baby's future, now that she's gone, I have no reason to live. So please."
She weakly gripped his sleeve, "Please kill me, ajhussi."
"No."
He said it more firmly this time. Her heart shattered into tinier pieces.
He gently pushed her hand back to her and turned away, "You'll be sent to Busan. That's where you came from before moving to Seoul."
Junhee's guard went up, "I've never told anyone that. How did you-"
Splotches of black appeared in her vision. Her muscles were starting to give out. He seemed to walk away from her despite her outreached hand. He did turn back to look at her one last time.
"I'm sorry, Junhee."
She lost consciousness.
-
Right now, she stood there motionlessly. She blinked once before she went off sprinting. This was the most energy she has ever used since coming back to her home town. She knew the place like the back of her hand.
When she didn't catch sight of anything, she deemed it to be her hallucination. She did forget to have her meds after lunch. A few hours and she was already started seeing things. She kicked the stray pebble in front of her and scoffed. At this rate, she wasn't going to be able to live without the pills.
The sun glared down at her, almost mocking. She glared back at it before backing off first when her eyes started to hurt. She walked back home.
How stupid.
Her life was stable now. A job with steady income and a small house in her hometown was more than enough. No more or less. The debt collectors were no longer on her ass anymore. It seemed someone had paid it off.
Young-il ajhussi... she frowned. Who was he? Where was he now? She'd never know now. Maybe he was in his hometown just like her. She prayed he didn't go back to the games like Gihun ajhussi did. There was only one outcome out of those games.
Death.
Junhee still believed it would've been better to die than to live.
It's not like she had much going on for her. Eat, work, sleep then repeat. Days were repetitive and dull. She had no desire for anything. She was just existing.
But she was going to keep living. She owed it to them. To the people who protected her. To the people who trusted her. To the people she loved.
Maybe she will get better. Maybe she will find something to do or somewhere to go. She'll continue living the way she is until she found something to look forward to. Something great. Until then she'll still be here.
She turned her head to the open window beside her and froze.
The sight of Myunggi and a baby in his arms standing right outside her window looking straight at her.
Her throat dried at the vision.
He had longer hair now. He wore a plain, baby blue half sleeved shirt paired with beige trousers. He held the baby against his chest, nicely with one arm.
Is this what he would have looked like if he was alive? Is this what she dreamt of? Is this what she could’ve had? A small happy family of her own?
Yes. Yes, she did.
The realisation was bittersweet. She still wanted it. A family to call her own. Not just with anyone. She missed her baby girl and Myunggi dearly.
She still loved him.
No matter how much she denied, she still did. Even after all the shit he put her through, even after he abandoned her, even when he told her to abort so heartlessly.
She still loved him.
It was now painfully obvious as she looked at him and her heart never felt more alive than it did.
She closed her eyes, retreating back to the dark consciousness of her mind in an attempt to calm down. A lone tear slid down her cheek.
Myunggi.
She could smell him. Minty and woody. Just how she remembered him. The human mind was such a strong thing. She could smell him.
Then came warmth. Warmth?
She was scared. Not sure of what but she was scared. Despite the fear, she leaned into the warmth. It was so familiar. Her cold bleeding heart wanted more of this warmth. To melt the cold, envelope her wholly, hide her from others and warm her up.
She yearned.
She opened her eyes.
Myunggi.
He was still there. This time, he was standing right in front of her open window. He wasn’t smiling, eyes searching. So very Myunggi.
He wiped away the tear streak from her cheek slowly. Slowly as if to make her realise something.
Her brows knit together in thought.
Why did this feel so real? Is this a withdrawal? Maybe, maybe this was-
“Myung… Gi?”
She uttered hoarsely, hesitant.
The vision before her carefully nodded.
This can’t be real. He was supposed to be dead. He was- Her eyes snapped down to his arm.
Heart pounding as she looked at the baby in his arm. She swallowed thickly, “Is that…?”
He nodded again.
She extended both her hands, shaky. He seemed to get the hint as the smart man he was and carefully gave her the baby. She pulled the baby close towards herself and rested her head on top of the baby’s chest with her ear pressed against it.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
She was alive. Her baby was alive. Junhee hugged her baby.
Myunggi eyed the sight before him, heart tight at the sight of her and their baby. His family.
Junhee’s head snapped back to him.
“…you’re alive.”
Myunggi let out the smallest of smiles, “Yes, we’re alive.”
Junhee could feel a smile start to tug on her lips at the sight of him smiling. It was always like this. If he smiled, she did too.
The reality still hadn’t settled in. Unreal. This better be real. It better not be a hallucination.
She sobbed against her sleeping baby, quiet as her body shook.
Then warmth spread over to her side. That warmth that always accepted and loved her coldness. That warmth only he could give her.
She naturally relaxed in his arms as she held onto her- their baby.
It was finally summer for Junhee.