Chapter Text
He’d been drumming his fingers along the metal bed frame for the past ten minutes now, trying and failing to fall asleep. Lights out was about five hours ago.
Chip sighed as he shifted onto his front to stare out his cell bars, shuffling under the one scratchy blanket he had in this crummy cell. The buzzing red light above his cell illuminated the floor in the otherwise pitch black prison row.
He crossed his arms beneath his head and continued to drum his fingers, closing his eyes and hoping the rhythm would eventually put him to sleep-
Chip snapped his eyes open at the sound of the prison lights clunking on, all at once the place erupted, groans from the other prisoners immediately rounding out from the surrounding cells. Chip rubbed his eye with an annoyed sigh. Just one of the many joys of prison life for the past nine months.
He rolled over and tried to shield his eyes with his arm, just waiting for the lights to go off again whenever they sorted out which jerk got the guards’ attention in the first place.
Wait a second…why did it sound like footsteps coming towards him?
“Mr. Whistler!”
“Ah!” Chip jerked upright, so much so that he ended up clumsily falling out of bed and face planting against the hard cement.
He slowly peeled his head off the floor to glare at the equally tired looking prison guard sliding open his cell door. “Stand up, hands in front.” Huh?
Chip stumbled to his feet, righting himself just long enough for the guard to snap the cuffs around his wrists and pull him out of the cell.
“Uh what’s going-hey!” Chip huffed as the guard gripped his arm and marched them down the long, lonely cell row to the door at the end.
He shot a glance at Babe’s empty cell on the way out.
The drive through the city took a while, even at witching hour and even in a police van. Chip just continued to glare tiredly at his prison slip ons the whole time. The grey walls of the van offered about as much warmth as the prison did, except at the prison he at least wasn’t accidentally banging his head against the wall every two seconds thanks to a certain cop’s incompetence when it came to driving.
The van made a particularly nasty turn and Chip let out an embarrassing yelp as he clung onto the bench for dear life. Another bump and his dentures would fall out at this rate-the prison refused to pay for him to get new veneers.
Moments later everything lurched to a stop and the doors were wrenched open.
Chip stumbled his way out the back of the van and onto the concrete parking lot of…a hospital? Of course this was to almost immediately trip as he was grabbed again and marched inside by another prison guard, the bright fluorescent lights briefly stinging his eyes once they made it through the automatic doors.
“What the-” Again Chip had little choice ,but to try and keep up as he was dragged down the hall, through an annoyingly long set of swinging doors.
Eventually after 5 flights of stairs-guards had to practically support his weight by the time they got to the top- he found himself pulled to a stop in some random hall with a big glass window to the right of him. Chip furrowed his brow and shot a look at one of the guards. “Uh, ok now can I have an explanation?” Wait, did this have to do with Babe?
“You mean to tell me he has no idea-” Chip blinked at the sight of a random doctor walking towards him from the other end of the hall. She slowed her stride and quickly dismissed the nurse she was talking to.
The guards gave Chip a warning glare as she approached. “Uh, Mr. Whistler I take it?” She didn’t bother trying to shake his hand, instead clapping her own together with an awkward exhale. “Well um, I’m Doctor Rotcod and uh..I suppose a congratulations is in order.”
“.........ha, ok.” Chip let his face relax. “That’s not, ooooookay which one of you were gonna tell me April Fool’s day came early huh?” He tried to look at his guards for a laugh.
Doctor Rotcod sighed and adjusted her glasses. “I understand this must come as quite the uh, surprise, and I genuinely apologize you weren’t told sooner. Truthfully I don’t know why the prison didn’t try and inform you-”
“Ok so, let me guess a bunch of guys are gonna pop out and scream you just got pranked any second now right?” Chip looked back and forth. “Which hey, I mean taking Babe away for the past 5 months to sell it, I mean that is commitment -”
“Mr. Whistler.” Doctor Rotcod interrupted. “I can assure you this isn’t a ruse or a prank. Your wife really did give birth, and you really are a father.”
Chip frantically shook his head. “Right, right because I’m totally gonna look through that nursery window and see a living breathing human being and not a ‘you just got pranked’ sign with a bunch of balloons-”
“ Mr. Whistler .” Doctor Rotcod manually turned him to face the glass window of the nursery. “Your son was born this Thursday morning, at 2:01 am. He is 7 pounds, 5 ounces and sleeping in the third row.”
Chip’s eyes stretched open wide as she pointed him towards the baby asleep in that third row of bassinets, just like she said.
The little white note card stuck to the front read, Whistler .
Doctor Rotcod slapped him on the back. “As I said, congratulations . Try to think of a good name.” With that, she walked off and left him to stare blankly through the thick glass at his…his…
Chip blinked, the downturned frown sinking lower on his face as he stared.
“.....”
The prison guard beside him coughed into his fist. “I always liked the name Arnold…..just a suggestion.” He looked to the floor when Chip shot him a blank glare.
Chip silently lowered his face into his hands. He felt like he was gonna fall through the floor, how, what, why did this-
He perked up at the sound of shrill cry. His- the kid was waking up. A nurse walked in and came to take him.
She picked him up and, Chip flinched when the kid’s eyes opened…he was looking right at him….
Chip shot a helpless glance at his guards for half a second, as if that would help. He couldn’t exactly run away either, felt like cement was keeping him rooted to the spot.
The kid’s swaddle came loose for just a moment as he was placed back down in the clear glass bassinet and wheeled away. Chip tilted his head as he watched the kid stretch out his tiny pink hand.
Almost, kinda seemed like the kid was waving at him.
Chip felt his shoulders slouch. Huh…
He found himself dumbly raising his own hand-well hands thanks to the cuffs-as if to wave back.
“Hey, don’t touch the glass.” One of the guards barked at him. Chip was pulled back by his arm as he watched his son be wheeled out the nursery into another room.
“Well hello there!” Chip was too busy wondering what the blort had just happened and where the blort Babe was, to realize Officer Keys was in fact waving him down from the other end of the hall.
“It’s been a while Whistler.” Keys laughed as he walked up to him, Chip meanwhile couldn’t bring himself to look away from the empty spot his son had just been occupying.
“Feels like just yesterday you stuffed me into a metal shoe and were about to blow up the city!”
Chip didn’t really know how he was supposed to respond to that-
“Gotta say was not expecting this when they called us in for backup.” Keys elbowed him, with just enough force to let Chip know the cop was not being friendly. “Oh and how’s those 3 life sentences treating you?”
At that, Chip could at least find the strength to roll his eyes. “Shouldn’t you be patrolling the perimeter?”
“Oh we are.” Keys happily waved him off. “Don’t you worry your 3 life sentences about it,we’ve got this place surrounded, there is no possible way anyone could esca-huh that’s funny why are two of my junior officers coming over?” Keys pondered aloud when two nervous looking officers came walking up to them. One of the cops couldn’t stop looking at his shoes.
“Heeeeey, boss so uh we’ve got a bit of a…ahem, situation. Heh, can you uh, promise you won’t get mad?”
Keys laughed and slapped a heavy hand against Chip’s back. Would everyone quit doing that?! “Now why would I get mad at you Officer Lock and Officer Up ! It’s only your all’s first day!”
The two dummies exchanged a scared glance at each other, Officer Lock started twiddling his thumbs. “Well it’s just umm, so you know that criminal we were supposed to keep an eye on in room 605?”
“Ah,ah, let’s be respectful now. The criminal and mother you were supposed to keep an eye on.” Keys corrected.
Chip raised his brow as Officer Up started to sweat. “Y-yeah, about that…we sort of uh, .. accidentally -”
“We let her escape!” Officer Lock cut in.
Keys and Chip both paused for a moment. “...what?”
“By accident!” Officer Up added again. “I, it, we didn’t-” The idiot took a breath to calm himself. “We were just trying to see if the snack machine worked and she just, climbed out the window while our backs were turned!”
“What?!” Chip shouted, he got a warning smack on the back of his neck from one of the guards.“Are you kidding me!? Babe wouldn’t just-”
“Wait a second!” Keys interrupted him. “....Aren’t we on the sixth floor, how did she get down?”
Officer Lock seemed to shrink in on himself. “We uh deduced that she may or may not have climbed down the drain pipe…..and then may or may not have completely disappeared.”
Chip glared at them. “And you’re in police work because???”
“How were we supposed to know she’d be so fast!” Officer Up cried. “The point is we’ve sent the squads out, but it looks like Babe Whistler is gone. Like gonzo, never hear from her again type of gone.”
“Uh, little harsh Officer Up.” Officer Lock mumbled to him with a pointed look at Chip.
Chip felt his eye twitch as the alarms of all the cop cars just outside started ringing out in the distance. One of the guards pulled him back and he started getting led back down the hall. “It’s time to go.”
It took him a week to decide on a name.
2 months
“You wanna hold him?” The nurse asked as Charlie finished the bottle he was being fed.
“I’m allowed?” Chip eyed the blank faced guard stationed by the door.
"Yeah you’re allowed, you’ve been cooperative during all the visits.” The nurse explained. He started stretching two month old Charlie towards Chip.
Chip stumbled for a second, utterly helpless as his kid was gently deposited in his arms.
Charlie was all eyes, big eyes, looking all around the room. Chip didn’t know what to do other than try and mimic how he’d watched the nurses hold him during visitations.
“That’s it, make sure to support the head.” The nurse coached as Chip took a shaky breath and slid a hand beneath his son’s head, leaning the kid back against his shoulder. Charlie was all grip too, immediately latching his fingers into the fabric of Chip’s prison jumper.
Chip held him til he was told it was time to leave. Charlie ended up drooling on him like four times.
8 months
“Listen your honor my client-”
“Tried to blow up the city! Am…am I in the twilight zone???” The prosecutor across from them snapped her head back and forth as if seeking an answer.
Chip’s court appointed lawyer, Will Liencourt shook his head. “ Which , my client has openly admitted….was a bit of an overreaction.”
“Your honor please, you cannot seriously be considering this proposal.” The prosecutor gestured towards Chip. “This man’s serving three life sentences for trying to destroy Big City, we can’t just let him go because of a kid! That’s, CRAZY!”
“We’re not asking for an actual full release.” Will stepped forward and pettily bumped his opponent to the side. “What we’re proposing is a very limited form of supervised parole. Mr. Whistler would be relocated out of Big City to a select town and monitored by an accompanying parole officer, with an ankle monitor to track his location and keep him within the confines of the set perimeter. He’d also be required to do weekly check ins.”
The judge gave a, frankly exasperated look at everyone in the room. “Uh huh, and do we have literally any character witnesses that can vouch for Mr. Whistler being a suitable parental option for the child.”
“We-....” Will trailed off. “Did, attempt to have his father come today ,but uhh….yeah.” Will shot an apologetic look back at Chip, who proceeded to bang his head into the desk. “That’s probably not gonna happen.”
“Right,” The judge sighed and looked over the numerous papers scattering his stand. “And as for the witnesses who were supposed to come in and testify that Mr. Whistler should stay where he is now in Big City prison?”
“Aha! We-....” Suddenly the prosecutor trailed off too. “ Also , don’t have anyone. We tried to get in touch with the Green family to come testify ,but they left us on voicemail.”
“Well isn’t that nice.” The judge scratched his head. “So no one cared enough to show up at all is what you’re both telling me?”
Chip looked to the side in slight dejection.
“Well, actually.” Will approached the bench. “While we couldn’t get any witnesses to show up, I do have a written endorsement from Mayor Hansock.”
“What?!” The prosecutor barked, hands on her hips as Will handed the judge the paper. “How did you manage that??”
“Uh, a lawyer never reveals his tricks.” Will snarkily replied.
The prosecutor looked him up and down with a raised brow. “You groveled on your hands and knees and kept shoving cute baby pictures in his face didn’t you?”
Will went quiet. “.....it worked didn’t it-”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” The judge sighed again as he looked over the written endorsement.
Will cleared his throat. “And we do have records showing that Mr. Whistler has attended as many visitations with his son as he was able despite the restrictions, and has behaved with extreme cooperation and caution.”
The judge looked back down at the endorsement with a sigh. “Well…”
Chip leaned forward in interest.
12 months
They didn’t tell him til the day of, who the parole officer accompanying him out of Big City was gonna be.
For good reason.
“~Let’s get a move on.~” Keys sang as he steered them through the crowd onto the platform of Big City’s train station. “Your new home’s not gonna wait forever.”
Chip rolled his eyes as he was pushed forward. “Didn’t they say to be inconspicuous?” He asked through gritted teeth.
“Not to fear!” Keys stopped them by the tracks to wait for the next train, one hand gripping his roller luggage and the other on Chip’s shoulder. “This station gets so busy, no one will even notice that you’re Chip Whistler, the guy who tried to destroy the city!” Just as Keys very loudly announced that, a random tomato was promptly lobbed from the crowd at Chip’s head, hitting him in the side of the face.
Chip’s eye twitched. “You don’t transport prisoners often do you?”
Keys hummed as Chip tried to rub the tomato off on his shoulder since he was still handcuffed. “I do suppose it might be stressful for the other passengers having to share a train ride with the man who failed to blow up the city.”
Chip rolled his eyes again. “Right so maybe let’s keep it on the down low-”
“Attention passengers!” Keys called out with a hand cupped around his mouth. “I will be escorting prisoner, Chip Whistler on the next train ride, Yes that Chip Whistler! Do not worry though, I am keeping a close eye on him and I have a very large, very painful taser should he try anything. He is no threat to anyone!” And of course, following that yet another tomato was thrown at Chip’s face…and two more shortly after…after that they must’ve run out because the next thing thrown at him was a shoe…a big shoe… left an imprint on his face.
Needless to say, Chip just needed that blorting train to arrive already .
Chip sat up in his window seat when he recognized Charlie being carried through the train doors.
“Ah, there he is.” Keys smiled as he was handed Charlie. The undercover officer who handed him off gave a brief nod and disappeared out the doors just as they were about to close and the train began to move.
Chip leaned over Keys to look at his son. He somehow looked bigger from when Chip saw him last visitation. The mop of hair on his head had started to grow and fluff up into curls.
Keys sat the kid on his knee and turned to look at Chip.
“Now then. I thought on the ride over we might go over the terms of your parole!”
Chip’s face dropped into an annoyed frown again. “Uh huh.” He leaned back and tried to get comfortable despite being squished up against the window thanks to Keys.
“First things first, your ankle monitor.” Chip yelped as Keys suddenly reached down and hoisted his ankle up into the air, gesturing to the giant black Big Tech band wrapped around it with the beeping red light. “Not only will this handy dandy device monitor your location and every step you take-”
“Wonderful.” Chip grumbled.
“Buuut, it’s also capable of emitting a powerful electric charge if and or when you decide to step out of line!”
“Yes, the judge went over all this, I’m very aware.” Chip put his leg down. “I won’t leave my designated area and I’ll be home every night by 10pm.” A little sad to have a curfew at almost 30 ,but…actually he couldn’t think of a but.
“That’s nice.” Keys laughed. “ But, since we all know you’re a bit of a rule breaker.” Chip’s gaze remained flat as a dime as Keys patted his shoulder. “I figured a handy dandy demonstration oughta be in order.”
Chip’s eyes widened. “Do what?” He watched in muted horror as Keys produced a remote from his shirt pocket. “Didn’t they tell you? I’ve been given an automatic remote that will preemptively trigger the ankle monitor should I see you doing anything illegal and or suspicious.”
“What!?-OWW!” Chip shrieked as an electric charge suddenly surged through him like a freight train. Ouch.
“That…hurt!” Chip winced and rubbed his neck. Ok, ok, not pleasant but he could probably deal with it-
“Oh, sorry.” Keys slapped his forehead. “That’s my bad, I didn’t have the charge turned up all the way.” He cranked the knob on the remote to a setting that read Well Done.
“Wait, don’t!-”
The entire train looked away from the brief light show going on in the back. Seconds later Chip was coughing up smoke rings with his hair standing completely straight.
“But that’s just if you step out of bounds. And don’t worry it shouldn’t kill you.” Keys comforted with a laugh and a hand wave. “We’d just want to repeatedly shock you until you’re stunned long enough for authorities to arrive. Anyway , as far as where you’re allowed to go…” Chip’s eye twitched again as Keys pulled out a map, and he was forced to stare down the tiny red circle Keys had helpfully drawn within the rinky dink town they were headed to.
“....Did you really stack another draw four on me?”
Chip’s mouth formed a flat line as he tried to lie. Technically it was a draw two, but the way he and Greg always played it allowed for draw two and draw four stacking anyway so- “Yes…I did.”
“Oh okay…hey sweetie hand me sixteen cards will you?” Chip looked over at the sight of Babe’s hand peaking over in front of his cell bars, making a ‘gimme’ motion. He sighed and stretched out onto his side so he could hand her the one-o cards from their deck through the bars.
“Kay, kay,” He heard Babe hum. “I can work with this…also what color baby?”
Chip sighed again, stretching his bored gaze out at the other prison rows. “Yellow.”
“Yellow, yellow…” He could hear Babe tapping her fingers against the cards. “Do I have any yellow?”
She was still tapping away five minutes later.
“Babe, just draw a stupid card already.” Chip groaned, letting his head bang against the cement wall behind him.
“I’m just looking at my options honey.” She replied.
“If you haven’t found a card you can play by now you don’t have one.” Chip argued, narrowing his eyes in frustration. “So I don’t know why you can’t just give up.”
“Well that’s not very proactive.” Babe said. “You always have a choice other than giving up Chip.”
Chip rolled his eyes-
“Don’t roll your eyes honey, you'll get them stuck that way.” Babe snorted at him. How did she know?! “Could you imagine how silly you’d look?”
“I can imagine you stalling.” Chip snarked as he looked back at his last two cards. Finally he was gonna win one of these stupid rounds.
“Eh sometimes you gotta stall.”
“Babe!”
“Okay, okay, here take this.” Chip rolled his eyes again out of spite and took what he knew to be the one measly card Babe handed him from the other side of their cells-
She’d given him exactly 16 yellow +2 cards.
“One-o by the way.” Babe giggled.
Chip deflated and practically sunk onto the floor, eyes wide in disbelief. “Well that makes the score 0 to 67 so far...”
“Oh! That reminds me.” Chip raised his brow at the sound of Babe getting up and stuff shuffling around. A few seconds later she was waving an envelope at him from the other side of their cell wall. “~I gotchu something~.”
Chip blinked, rolling himself over and taking the envelope. “What for?”
“Our one month wedding anniversary silly.” Babe laughed as Chip pried open the envelope and took out the card wedged inside. “I know it’s been hard this first month of, well the rest of our lives ,but still!”
Chip frowned as he opened the card, it was an obvious former novelty card that Babe had taken the liberty of writing over with marker and gluing their pictures to.
Chip hummed as he read it aloud. “Sorry your big revenge plan didn’t work out, we’re stuck in this maximum security prison for the rest of our lives, and they won’t let you get new veneers ,but at least we have each other, and also I personally think you’re pulling the dentures off, love babe….huh.” Chip ran his thumb over the ‘wedding’ picture they took in front of that one beachy travel poster the warden let Babe keep in her cell.
“Um, thanks babe.”
“Pretty cool right? I got it from Janet a few cells down. She knows a person on the outside who works at a greeting card company.”
“Heh, yeah that’s pretty great.” Chip closed the card, just now noticing the picture of the winking puppy dog on the front. “You asked for the dog one didn’t you?”
“Well duh, what am I? A cat person?” Babe snarked with a laugh.
“I’m uh,” She coughed. “I’m glad you like it…like I said I know it’s been a bit, crazy. What with the kid you were trying to destroy saving your life and you losing all your teeth and us and the order of the fang all getting put away… you know, all that .” Chip frowned as Babe stretched her hand through the bars again. He got the memo and gently slid his hand into hers.
“But, we’re gonna get through this!” She proclaimed. “I just know it. All we gotta do is stay a team, you’ll see.”
“Ummm,” Chip frowned. “...yeah ok.”
“Chip…Chip…wake up…wake up!” Chip jolted at the feeling of Keys shaking him awake in his seat. His eyes fluttered, trying to get his vision back into focus as he peeled himself off the train window like a sticker.
Chip shook his head, finally back to the world of the living as Keys waved a hand in front of his face. “We’re here Chip, time to greet your new home.”
Chip sighed with a small deflate as Keys took him by the arm and dragged him out of his seat towards the train doors. New home, yeah right.
Like some miscellaneous hamlet called Smalton could ever be home.