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Standing on this massive stage, watching the spots for the debut group fill up, the truth is very simple: whatever Matthew and Keita have right now, right here, at Boys Planet? It can only survive if they both end up in the same place. And Keita feels the fear gnaw at his heart, his hope for debut duplicated with the desperate wish to stay with Matthew. He wants both of them to debut; and he can’t let himself wish for the other option that would let them stay together.
He doesn’t tell Matthew about any of it because he can’t stand to see the fear in Matthew’s eyes when someone talks about going home, about not debuting. Ever since the results of the third week, Matthew has been quieter, more afraid than before. Keita wants to tell him that it will be fine, but he also looks at his own results with fear, because he has seen how quickly people go up and down from ranking to ranking. Nobody is safe tonight, on this stage.
But now, as Matthew’s name is called, Keita’s heart soars. He cradles Matthew, lets himself have a moment, shielded by the other boys, lets himself be happy for him.
Because Matthew deserves it. He deserves to be up there, in third place no less. He deserves to debut alongside his best friend, who is no doubt going to be there. If Hanbin doesn’t debut, Keita will seriously doubt whoever is counting the votes; and the other spot is going to be Hao, and Keita doesn’t have it in him to begrudge either of them their success. They deserve it. They all do, and way more than nine people who deserve it are going to not get their chance.
So he smiles at Matthew, as brilliant as he always does, and he means it. Matthew hugs him back, slow with shock and confusion. And deep down, Keita knows Matthew wasn’t expecting to be called. Not with how his rank had dropped last time. He holds him close, soaks in the warmth that is no doubt going to be lacking from his life soon.
“Well done, Matthew.” He whispers it, presses the words into Matthew’s skin like he can make him believe it.
“But you…” Matthew’s responding whisper is troubled, weighted down by fear still. Fear for Keita, not for himself. It makes Keita want to cry.
“I’m the happiest boy in the world for you, okay?” He doesn’t mean to say it, but he can see the recognition in Matthew’s eyes, the painful realization. He watches him understand the Blackpink reference, the implication. The way Keita is setting him free. Letting him go, because this is the end of the road for Boys Planet, and it might very well be the end of the road for them, too. For whatever it was they had, with their hands cradled together, with Matthew’s lips pressed against Keita’s cheek.
Whatever they have held between them until now, warm and fragile, is going to break apart under the stage lights that will shine on Matthew from now on.
“You’ll be up there.” Matthew says it with a desperate stubbornness, with sharp teeth that aren’t meant for Keita at all.
All Keita can do is smile at him because he knows Matthew means it, truly wants that to be true. “It’s okay, hyung.”
It is okay because there’s eleven people left beside him, and two spots are as good as gone. And only one spot will go to one of the ones left. People he cares about, who he knows are good matches for the position, only one of them can make it.
And Keita doesn’t trust that it will be him. And he doesn’t want this to be a pretty lie he tells Matthew. He knows it’s selfish – he should give Matthew the comfort of believing in the same hopeful future. But he likes Matthew, and he wants honesty more than honeyed words, and so he just smiles at him, fills his heart with joy for Matthew until no regret can fit in.
“It’s okay, I promise.” It’s not okay. It’s not okay with Matthew, he can feel that. He can feel the exhaustion, the relief, and the bitter helplessness running through Matthew’s body like an electrical current, and Keita wishes he could keep holding him. But he can’t.
So he lets him go with a brilliant smile, steps out of the way for the other boys to pile on Matthew.
Matthew hugs everyone, accepts their well-wishes and smiles with what Keita is sure will seem a dazed look on the tv screens. He knows better.
And then Keita watches as Matthew ascends those stairs, every step leading him further away from Keita. He watches him be embraced, and he smiles at the sight. Tonight, he’ll be the happiest boy in the world for Matthew. Tomorrow, he can let his heart break.