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Andrew had been in Germany for nearly one week, and he was already ready to leave again. Nicky and Erik had invited him and Aaron to come and visit them in their new apartment. Actually, Neil and Kevin had been invited as well, but unlike Andrew’s team, Neil had made it into the semi-finals, which he wouldn’t miss for a family vacation, obviously. And Kevin had just refused to come because of some weird campaign. Andrew had tried to get out of it somehow, claiming he needed to stay with Neil for the game. But Neil had seen through his bullshit immediately and basically forced him to go onto that plane.
So here he was, in an old, cluttered, and hot apartment in some city in Germany. He would have been fine staying for five days. After all, Nicky called him often enough against his will, and he usually visited on Christmas, so it was not like he missed his daily presence. Or sharing a living space with him, or a bathroom, for that matter. But Aaron had insisted that the money for the flight wasn’t worth it for just a few days, and combined with the jet lag, they had to at least stay for 2 weeks. In the end, they had settled on 10 days. Way too long in Andrew’s opinion, but Aaron had agreed.
Looking back on the discussion they had now, Andrew wondered how Aaron would have possibly survived two whole weeks without seeing Katelyn.
Because if Aaron wasn’t sleeping or eating, he was talking to her in some shape or form. They had scheduled daily phone calls, which dictated the plans of everyone, including Andrew. Because Aaron had to be at home and connected to the Wifi every day by seven. It was disgustingly annoying, and he could feel Aaron’s clinginess sticking to him like honey. And as if the daily phone class weren’t enough, he was also texting her constantly. With a disgusting smirk on his face. Andrew hated it; that look didn’t suit their face.
Consequently, Andrew rightfully felt like he was surrounded by hormonal teenagers. It felt like college all over again. Because apparently, Aaron wasn’t the only one so deeply in love that it was everyone else’s problem. Erik, whom he tolerated if only for his cooking skills, and Nicky acted as if they were 16 and had just discovered condoms. The first night, he had made the mistake to try and fall asleep without turning on white noise on his phone, and had to listen to them having enthusiastic sex for longer than anyone should be having sex at that volume.
So it was clear to say that he was exhausted. His social battery, which naturally already ran low, seemed to be scraped out. And by the 5th day, he contemplated booking an early flight just to enjoy some peace and quiet.
It was a Sunday, and Erik was busy watching a soccer game with his friends, which meant they were left alone to spend the day with a way too energetic Nicky.
“Come on, it’s not even really a hike. It’s more like a walk. And you will be able to see the whole city! It’s beautiful. Aaron, I know you will love it. You can take pictures for Katelyn.”
“Why can’t we just go to a mall or something, less chances of Andrew pushing us off a cliff.”
Andrew raised his eyebrows at his brother’s comment. “I hate to say it, but I think Aaron is making a good point here.” Aaron looked at Nicky with his “see I told you so” expression.
“Come on. You two have slept the whole morning already, and it’s Sunday, so everything is closed anyway. Unless you want to sit here and stare at the wall for the rest of the day, it’s the only thing to do.”
Staying at home and doing nothing actually did not sound so bad, despite Neil had his game in the evening, which Andrew had wanted to watch (alone…), but Aaron seemed to be persuaded by Nicky. Great, now he had lost his one and only supporter.
“There is an amazing restaurant at the top, Andrew, you will love it. They have ice cream and waffles!” Nicky was such an asshole.
Nicky had exaggerated just the tiniest bit when he had called the hike up to the castle a “walk”. As it turned out, the hike took four hours and went through the deepest forests and hills of Germany. What also didn’t help was the fact that there was no service, and they had taken several wrong turns. At one point, they were so far off the trail, they didn’t even see another human for one whole hour. To be fair, that was something he could get used to, but still. It was exhausting. And while he listened to Nicky’s nervous chatter and Aaron’s dry responses in front of him, he regretted every decision that had landed him here.
Instead of getting lost in the woods, he could be sitting on their balcony at home, smoking a cigarette in peace and drinking a hot chocolate. Or he could be lying in bed lazily with Neil while reading a book. Or they could be on the couch with the cats watching TV. He cursed himself mentally for imagining what he could have right now.
He generally tried not to think so much of the home that was waiting for him, because when he forced himself not to think about it, he could pretend that he was perfectly fine being who-knows-how-many-fucking-miles away from home. Because thinking of home meant thinking of Neil.
Neil, who had texted him pictures of the cats every day, visual proof of his food intake, the court, as well as one precious text that said, “can’t wait for you to be back.”
Neil, who was preparing to play probably the most important game of his career right in this moment. Out of reflex, he tried to open his phone to look for an update, that was when he remembered that there was no fucking service. Like muscle memory, he clicked on Neil’s and his chat.
When Neil had woken up that day, he had texted Andrew in a slight panic about “losing” and “playing badly”. Andrew had managed to talk him out of a full-blown panic attack, but it was a close call. It had also felt particularly difficult to calm him down because, unlike Neil's usual hypothetical problems, this one was as real as ever.
The Moriyamas had paid him a visit a while back, when he had first started to play with his new team. Last season, he was still a rookie, which apparently gave him some sort of safety time, but now he was a new starting striker. And the Moriyamas seemed to take their investment a lot more seriously.
Andrew had been out of the city for an away game when it happened.
Neil had played one of his first games, and according to Neil, it went badly. Andrew had never seen it, so he assumed that Neil’s version of bad was still extremely good. But what was a fact was that they lost. It was a close call, and Neil had fought until the last second, but sometimes not even determination can win you a game. And as if his first loss hadn’t punished Neil enough, the Moriyamas had apparently decided that that was the game they decided to check on their investment. And they were not happy with Neil’s performance.
They had caught Neil after the game, claiming they just needed to deliver a message and beat him up.
It hadn’t been bad for Neil’s standards: a split lip, some bruised ribs, and a black eye. But Andrew had been furious.
Neil had obviously not gone to the hospital like any sane person would have, in order to check for a concussion or any internal bleeding; no, he had dealt with it on his own.
He hadn’t even called Andrew. Which was what outraged him the most, because Andrew had come home to a half-asleep/passed-out Neil who couldn’t see through his left eye.
But the worst thing from this whole incident was that Andrew could do nothing, just like Neil could do nothing. He just had to sit back and wait for them to do anything to Neil that they wanted.
Neil then, later on, even had the audacity to say it was good, that it gave him a reminder.
“I have gotten too comfortable. Last year,” he smiled a little at the thought, and the cut on his lip got pulled apart, “fuck, last year was amazing. But I was too comfortable; nothing happened the whole year, I waited for it, and it never came. So I thought I was safe. And now this, the new team, the apartment, the cats, you. It’s all going way too good for it to be true. So I guess I needed the reminder that this is not actually mine.” Andrew hadn’t been able to look at him then. “I’m still living on borrowed time after all, and I shouldn’t get too comfortable because they could take it all away whenever they want to,” he added.
But it wasn’t what he had said that caused Andrew to stand up and leave their apartment for several hours; it was the way Neil had said it. It was sort of resigned, passive, and cold. Like he had accepted the fact that his life wasn’t his to begin with and never would be. This resignation, this defeat, was something Andrew never wanted to hear from Neil’s mouth.
The weeks after the attack were difficult. Not just because Neil was becoming almost as anxious as he was when he first arrived in Palmetto and barely left the house. It was also because there was a growing frustration and anger inside of Andrew that he could not release. Actually, like he later worked out with Bee, he was just extremely scared and helpless. Whatever. There were these feelings inside of him, which he didn’t like. It weren’t the ones he had slowly allowed to exist and grow over time; no, it were the nasty ones he had worked very hard to rid himself of.
In the end, Neil's team started winning again, and Neil’s performance improved drastically, just like his mood. Unlike Andrew, who never forgot anything in his life, Neil was able to just push things out of his mind when he couldn’t deal with them right there and then. And while his spiral went on for maybe one and a half months, he recovered and returned to his normal self pretty quickly. This rhythm was probably routine for him by now. But Andrew knew that while he himself wasn’t aware of what he was doing, he knew that Neil wasn’t exactly healed (it would be a miracle after avoiding any shrink like they were contaminated with some deadly disease). It was just Neil’s unhealthy way of dealing with things he had no solution for.
If you knew Neil just a little bit, you would immediately consider this behavior as very “unlike him”. After all, Neil had been thoroughly raised by his mother to always find a way out, look for an impossible loophole, a solution. But if you knew Neil very well (like Andrew would consider himself), you knew that before anything else, Neil was determined to survive as long as possible. So when he was confronted with such an immediate and powerful threat like the Moriyamas, Neil’s brain allowed him to ignore the threat in order to continue to function, and most importantly, to continue to survive. This meant that Neil, subconsciously, had accepted his situation and the inevitable consequences in order to live a normal life as long as possible. Something he had done before during the first year they had known each other. And while this ability to continue his life like nothing happened, despite such an active threat, was fascinating to Andrew, it also meant that things were pretty bad.
But the most important thing about this whole situation was that while Neil was busy pretending everything was fine, Andrew did not follow suit.
He was convinced that the Moriyamas were not invincible. There were no gods because God didn’t exist, and so there had to be a way to defeat them. Andrew knew something like the attack would happen again; it wasn’t a question of if but when. And next time, maybe Neil wouldn’t be so lucky. He hadn’t come to a conclusion yet because he didn’t have to. After all, Neil was relatively safe, considering his recent success and the letters full of new offers that were stacking up on their table. His career had only just started. Right now, Neil was probably the most interesting and promising new player in the league. There was no way they would get rid of him in the near future. But Exy was an unpredictable sport on and off the court; you never knew when the next world-best newcomer would come around and make everyone else look like beginners or when an injury would evidently end your career.
Andrew would not consider himself paranoid (not in the exhausting way Neil was), no, he was just cautious. Unlike Neil, he did not just accept the fact that some Mafia organization owned him and would someday eventually get rid of him. No, he knew they had their weak points like everyone and everything else that existed, and when, and not if, they decided Neil was more of a liability than an investment, he would be ready.
“Andrew, do you want me to take a picture of you?” Andrew blinked back into reality, leaving his dark thoughts to the side for now. Miraculously, they had made it to the top of the mountain and were now standing on some sort of platform with countless tourists who were all eager to take a picture of the view. Andrew actually preferred to be as far away from the edge as possible.
“What do you think?” he spat back at Nicky. But Nicky just grinned his mischievous grin.
“Ohhh, come on, you could send it to Neilo. I know you two have been sending each other pictures.”
“Shut the fuck up right now, or I will actually push you off that cliff.”
Aaron had the audacity to laugh at his comment, so Andrew glared at him too, for good measure.
He turned around and started walking towards the promised restaurant. He tried using his phone again, but surprise, there was also no service at the restaurant. He cursed himself for agreeing to go on this walk. He hadn’t thought it would take this long. Neil’s game had started by now, but there was no way of knowing for certain.
He read their last messages again.
Aren’t you gonna wish me good luck?
You don’t need it.
;)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Something about that didn’t sit right with him. He felt like he was missing something. He needed to get off this fucking mountain and back to where the Wi-Fi was. This was stressing him out. Usually, it was Neil who wasn’t reachable by letting his phone die or forgetting it. It was never the other way around. Blame his controlling nature or paranoia concerning everything that was somehow related to Neil Abram Josten, but he hated that feeling.
He nervously drummed his fingers on the wooden table as they waited for their food.
“Aww, look at you two.” Nick’s annoying voice made Andrew look back at his cousin.
“My two love birds! Don’t worry, the way back will go by faster. You only have to hold up a little while longer before you can talk to your lovers again.”
Andrew rolled his eyes and cursed himself for being so predictable.
“Shut up, Nicky,” Aaron said through gritted teeth, and Nicky must have heard the tension in his tone because he quickly changed the topic.
The longer they waited for their food, the more nervous Andrew got. Something about the whole situation he was currently in sat wrong with him.
He wasn’t supposed to be on the other side of the world when Neil had such an important game. A game that could literally cost him his life. He had been blinded by Neil’s trust in his ability to win the championship, so he had thought him safe.
But how safe was he really? Maybe even one bad move was enough for the Moriyamas to decide to kill him? No matter if they won the game.
The last time they did something, they had also waited for Andrew to be out of the city. Out of reach. Helpless. Suddenly, the blood in his veins turned cold. It all felt way too familiar.
He needed to go back to the apartment. Hell, he needed to be on the next plane.
Their food arriving was a thankful break to Andrews’ spiral. He had only realized how hungry he had been once he started eating. All three of them inhaled their food, and after he was done, he immediately felt extremely stupid and dramatic for his little spiral.
Neil had been on top of his game for the last months; there was no logical reason for him to play badly now. He was fine. Probably.
“Uhhh, I just remembered, when we get back, we will know if Neil made the finals, right?” Nicky asked. Aaron rolled his eyes at the mention of Neil’s name.
“I am not talking about Exy with you right now, or ever.”
“But I am not talking about Exy, I am talking about Neil.” Nicky continued.
“I am not talking about him either.”
The walk down went by a lot quicker. Not just because they knew the way, but also because Andrew and Aaron were desperate to get home.
As soon as his phone connected to the Wi-Fi, Andrew expected a ton of messages from Neil or missed calls after the game. What he didn’t expect was the absolute lack of messages. He checked their chat again for good measure, but nothing. No call, no text, no grinning and sweaty selfie of him. There was nothing. Not even a text from Kevin.
That was… not normal.
He went to Google to see the outcome of the game. Immediately, his screen flashed up with pictures and videos of the game. Neil, in his sweaty gear being lifted up by one of his teammates. Andrew felt a pang of relief at the sight. Neil’s team had won, and they had made the finals. After only scrolling for a minute, it became clear that this was probably one of the best games of Neil’s career. His eyes were shining with happiness in the post-game interview, and he looked as alive as ever.
He felt even more stupid than before. Neil was probably alive and well. But that didn’t explain the lack of messages.
He made sure the door to his room was locked before pressing the call button. The phone rang, and rang and rang before going to the mailbox. This in itself was not abnormal. Neil rarely picked up on the first ring. It usually took a few minutes for him to find his phone wherever he had left it. Andrew imagined him rummaging through his messy bag or the locker, or his pockets right in that moment. He waited another beat before calling again. No answer.
Instead of calling again, he went to their chat and texted.
Call me back.
The fact that the calls were going through meant that his phone was not dead, and since Neil had texted him before the game meant that he had it with him.
After texting, he spent a while scrolling mindlessly on his phone. Waiting. Who knew what Neil was doing, probably celebrating with his team. Maybe they had managed to drag him to some sort of bar or restaurant.
After an hour, he decided to send another text.
Neil.
When that one remained unanswered, he called him again. But instead of Neil’s joyful voice, he was met with silence. Now this was really not normal.
His next call was to Kevin, who thankfully picked up after the first ring.
“Andrew, I just wanted to call you. Did you see the game? That was insane. The move in the last half was-“ he cut him off
“Have you talked to Neil?”
“No, not yet, I've been trying to call him for the past hour. Can you tell him to answer me?”
“He won’t pick up the phone. Or answer my texts.” There was silence on the other end.
“Has he said anything to you, Kevin? About the Morya-“
“Don’t. They might be listening. And no, of course not.” Kevin hissed.
“Don’t lie to me, Kevin.”
“I’m not. I swear. Not since the last time. Look, it really makes no sense for them to do something to him. This was the best game of his career.”
Andrew just hummed. This was not helping at all.
“And I mean, last time he warned me after it happened, so I guess if he had suspected anything, he would have told me right?”
“Yeah, well, this doesn’t help at all.”
“Have you tried his coach?”
“No.”
“There is probably an easy answer. Maybe he just lost his phone or something.”
After the call disconnected, Andrew searched for the contact of Neil’s coach. He didn’t expect an answer from him so soon, but surprisingly, he picked up after two rings.
“Andrew.”
“When was the last time you saw Neil?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, when did you see him for the last time?” he repeated slowly as if he were talking to a child.
“I don’t know, why do you wanna know? Did something happen?”
Andrew wanted to crush his phone.
“That’s what I am asking you. I cannot reach him, his phone is going to voicemail, and he isn’t answering any of my texts or Kevin’s.”
The coach had the audacity to laugh.
“Well, that’s just typical Josten behavior, no?”
“No,” not with me, Andrew wanted to add, but refrained. “Just, fucking tell me when you saw him for the last time.”
“Look, I know that you think it’s weird he hasn’t answered, but it’s been a hectic few hours-“
“No, you don’t understand, just tell me when you saw him for the last time.”
“I guess during our post-discussion. The team was going to this bar to celebrate, but Neil wanted to go home. I think they just left.”
Andrew wanted to throw his phone against the wall. Sadly, it was the only device that gave him some sort of control right now.
In the end, he called one guy from Neil’s team, who was like a Matt variant and felt personally responsible for looking after Neil. By the time the guy picked up, he was already way past drunk. But he told Andrew that the team had tried to convince Neil to go out with them, and Neil had refused. Apparently, he had last seen him when Neil had decided to run home to their apartment. This was two hours ago. It would never take Neil so long to go home, not even if he walked. There was still the possibility he had stopped by the store to get something, but even then, he should be home by now.
“I talked to his team. He left the stadium a little over two hours ago to run home. But he never arrived at our apartment.” He wasn’t sure why he had called Kevin again. Maybe because Kevin was the closest thing to a friend he had.
“Maybe he just went to the store?”
“Why wouldn’t he text me then? Besides, it’s been way too long.”
“I don’t know. Maybe his phone is dead. It’s Neil after all.”
But that still didn’t explain why the calls were connecting or why he hadn’t charged it and called back by now. They were both silent for a while. Andrew could curse himself. Why had he agreed to go on this fucking trip?
“I’m booking a fucking flight home.”
He searched through the entire internet, but there was no flight from Germany leaving that night. The earliest was the next morning. It felt like the fucking universe was playing a sick joke on him.
At that point, it had been two hours since Neil was last seen, and there still had been no call or text from him.
He just opened the door to tell Nicky and Aaron what was going on when his phone rang.
His breath stopped for a moment when he saw an American number flash on his screen.
“Is this Andrew Minyard?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“This is the General Hospital Seattle. You are listed as an emergency contact for Neil Josten?” The blood in his veins turned into ice. He stopped breathing.
“Hello? Are you still there?”
“What happened?”
“He was just brought in; we don’t know what happened yet.” This could mean two things. Either Neil was unconscious, or he was being a stupid idiot and decided not to coordinate with the hospital staff. For once in his life, he was hoping for the ladder.
“How bad is it?” Andrew dared to ask while holding his breath.
“Like I just said, we can’t tell yet, as he is currently unconscious. How fast can you get here?” the voice on the other side sounded hectic. This was not a good sign.
“I am not in the country right now.”
“Oh.” How fucking cryptic could you be?
Instead of giving Andrew some insight into what the fuck was going on with Neil, they just wanted to know any relevant medical information and told him to get there as fast as possible.
He had to pinch himself multiple times during the whole conversation to make sure he was actually awake and not just in some bad nightmare.
After the call had ended, Andrew was in front of Aaron’s door in a heartbeat. Aaron opened it with a groggy face, like he had just been sleeping while Andrew had probably the worst two hours of his life.
“What do you want?”
“We are leaving.”
“What? Are you okay? Our flight is only in five days.”
“No, Neil is at the hospital, and they won’t tell me what the fuck is going on.”
“What? What even happened? I thought his game went well?”
“I don’t fucking know. The hospital just called me to say he’s there. Apparently, he wanted to run home from the stadium after the game, but never arrived at the apartment.” Aaron looked torn between being a total ass and a decent human being. Apparently, he decided to be the latter.
“Fine, when is the next flight?”
After about an hour, Andrew regretted telling Aaron. He should have just silently left without telling anyone. Because now Aaron was just hovering around, as if he would explode any second.
“You don’t have to babysit me.” Andrew had persisted.
“Do you really think I would let you travel back there alone after this? Besides, I don’t wanna stay here on my own.” So that was that.
Nicky and Erik had gone back to sleep because the two had work in the morning. Aaron, after packing his stuff and silently watching Andrew chain smoke for about 45 minutes, was just sitting there in silence, staring at him. If Andrew had any more energy left in him, he would tell him how ugly Aaron looked while worrying.
After an uncomfortably long time of sitting in silence, Aaron finally decided to go to sleep.
So there he was. Alone. On the balcony, in the middle of the night. He had one cigarette left, which he wanted to smoke right before the flight, so there was nothing left to do. His room was clean, his bags were packed, and the dishes were done. He just had to wait.
He tapped his hands on the balcony railing. He might look calm from the outside, but inside of him was a mess of emotions. He wanted to call Bee, but she was probably asleep in Palmetto right now. He didn’t want to wake her up for this.
He couldn’t refrain from checking the news every five minutes; he hoped that someone out there might have seen something and published an article about what had happened to Neil. But nothing.
This was driving him crazy. This whole day had been cursed. If he had had any service on that fucking mountain, he would have called Neil immediately after the game and told that idiot to take the damn car instead of running off alone.
The thought of Neil all alone in some hospital made his heart clinch against his will. He cursed his brain for showing a perfectly detailed picture of a dead Neil.
Breathing suddenly felt like an impossible task, and the air around him was too cold to inhale. He didn’t remember lighting his last cigarette, but suddenly his lungs were filled with smoke, and he could see clearly again. But the tightness around his lungs stayed.
He stayed on that balcony, not moving, not thinking, not doing anything for who knows how long. His hand was clenched painfully around his phone. Every ten minutes, he checked. He was scared he would miss a call. But there was no call. Kevin had texted him at some point. Asked if Neil was okay. He hadn’t answered. He waited for any news from the hospital.
He was ready to expect the call. The one call. The “Neil had died” call, and Andrew was not there to say goodbye.
But nothing. And he knew that no news meant good news.
After what felt like an eternity, the sun finally started to rise again, and he heard the first noises of Nicky and Erik being awake.
He doesn’t remember driving to the airport, saying goodbye to Nicky and Erik, or boarding the plane. He does remember his sweaty hands balled into fists during takeoff. And the constant feeling of nausea he was carrying around since last night.
The landing went by after an unidentifiable number of hours, and then he was there. He went through the motion of getting his bags in a blur. It was probably Aaron who managed to grab the correct one of the roll bands.
One blink and they were sitting in a taxi. The sun was setting again. Another one, and he was standing in front of a front desk. The biting smell of antiseptic burned his nose. For some reason, Aaron was still beside him and not on his next plane back to Chicago. But in that moment, Andrew didn’t think too much about it.
“How can I help you?”
“I am here to see Neil Josten.”
The woman at the counter typed away on her computer for a while, and then he was told to wait for a moment.
“Do you want me to wait?” Aaron asked with an uncertainty in his voice that made Andrew cringe. He didn’t answer. Aaron just sighed.
“Alright fine. I’ll drop off the bags at your apartment, and I will bring you some stuff back. Just keep me updated.”
He didn’t know when Aaron had cared so much. He wanted to ask him, to mock him for how soft he had gotten. But there were no words left inside of him. He just stared at the white wall in front of him. He hated hospitals.
He doesn’t remember how long he sat in that waiting room, but at some point his name was called and he followed someone somewhere. There were people standing in some sort of hallway, which was way too busy for Andrews’ liking.
The doctor turned out to be a middle-aged woman who smiled at him, tired but with honest happiness.
“You must be Andrew Minyard. I am Neil’s Doctor. It’s nice to meet you.”
Andrew just hummed. He just wanted her to get to the fucking point, but he had no strength left to say that. Thankfully, she didn’t expect him to shake her hand or anything and just started explaining by reading off a chart.
“So Neil was brought in yesterday evening after he was found on the side of the road. When he was brought into the hospital, we were unsure of what had happened to him, but now it appears that he was hit pretty badly by a car.” Andrew stopped thinking. Doing anything. He just stood there, in that airless space on that crowded hospital hallway.
“He came in with a pretty bad head injury and was unconscious.” Head injury was a way too vague term for Andrew to grasp.
“What do you mean by head injury?”
“He probably slammed his head on the concrete badly or on the car, so he got a pretty severe concussion. But the head CT showed no brain bleeding apart from some minor bruising.” Andrew breathed out slowly. Okay.
“He was mainly unconscious from the blood loss.” And there it was, the thing he had been waiting for since yesterday.
“Neil had sustained multiple internal injuries as well as a few broken ribs, which caused internal bleeding. By the time he was brought into the hospital, he had already lost way too much blood for my liking.” Andrew’s mind was blank.
“Thankfully, the emergency surgery went well, and we were able to stop the bleeding.”
Reality slammed back into Andrew like a truck.
“So this means…” he trailed off, he didn’t know what this meant.
“It means that he will probably make a full recovery within a few weeks. I want to keep an eye on the concussion and obviously any post-surgery complications, which can always happen, but apart from that, he is mostly fine. He was extremely lucky. Such a hit would have killed a normal person.”
Well, Neil was many things, but he surely was not normal.
“Can I see him?” Andrew still couldn’t believe what he had just found out. Not until he saw Neil, alive and breathing in front of him.
“You can see him for a moment, but his body is still weak. He lost a lot of blood, and the surgery was not a minor one. He woke up for a moment after the surgery, but he was extremely distressed and endangering himself, so we decided to give him a mild sedative to allow his body to rest. So he will probably be asleep for a while.”
Andrew didn’t care.
“I just need to see him.” I need to see that he is alive, he wanted to say, but didn’t. And somehow the doctor understood. Because she didn’t say anything else and just let Andrew into a room that was full of machines and cables, which Neil was hooked up to.
And there he was. Cheeks drained of all color, face bruised and completely swollen on the right side, Neil looked more like something in Andrew’s nightmare than alive. But the thing behind him (a heart monitor, Andrew assumed) was beeping steadily.
The doctor seemed to notice Andrew’s slight shock because she talked in a silent tone to him. “All the machines are just routine after such an operation. His vitals were a bit low at one point, so we are monitoring that. The oxygen is also more of a precaution, and the rest is just fluids, pain meds, and antibiotics.”
Still, the image of Neil full of tubes would never leave Andrew’s mind again.
He slowly walked towards the bed, and the closer he got, the louder Neil’s breathing got, and he could actually see his chest rise and fall like it always did. A relieved breath escaped his mouth without his permission, and he quickly turned around, but the doctor had left.
Relieved that no one had seen him, he pulled a chair closer to Neil’s bed and carefully grabbed his hand. His hand felt lifeless and much too light. Andrew’s thumb carefully rubbed over the band-aid that was keeping Neil’s infusion in place.
When Andrew looked at Neil’s face in that moment, he didn’t see the Neil who had survived everything a normal person could never, but he saw Neil for who he was. A 25-year-old boy who had gone through way too much, and on that day, was just a breakable human. The thought terrified Andrew to the core. Andrew wasn’t the type to cry; he considered himself free of any weak emotions, but if there had ever been a moment in his life where he had cried, it would have been this one. Not because of fear or sadness, after all, Neil was still alive, but out of the sheer and utter relief he felt when that doctor told him that Neil was going to be okay.
He cursed himself for even having these feelings. But it was night, he hadn’t slept or eaten in a day, and Andrew was tired. Not just from the journey, or the unnecessary social interactions he had made the past 24 hours, no, he was tired of pretending that Neil meant absolutely nothing to him. So while he was alone in that dark hospital room, he allowed himself to feel while listening to the steady beeping of Neil’s heartbeat.
He hadn’t noticed that he had fallen asleep, but he realized he had been dreaming when he heard Neil’s voice.
“ndrew?” It was a small, embarrassing excuse for how Neil usually sounded, but it was his name.
“Remember me?”
At that, Neil seemed to realize where he was. He immediately opened his eyes (well, his one eye really, the other one stayed shut) and tried to sit up, which not only caused him to moan in pain, but also the heart monitor to complain.
“Relax, junkie.”
“What, what’s goin on?” he mumbled.
“You tell me? Someone found you on the side of the road. Where you had been hit by a damn car.”
“Mhm, what? Are you real?” Andrew was too stunned to respond to that, and by the time he came up with a fitting response, Neil was asleep again. He sighed and looked at his phone. It had just been two hours since they had arrived at the hospital. He had just slept for maybe half an hour. Which explained why he felt even worse than before.
He had almost forgotten Aaron when a text from him came in.
I’ve got some stuff. Where are you?
He met Aaron in the lobby and gave him a quick rundown of what the doctor told him.
“How do you just get run over by a car?” Aaron asked. Andrew had no answer to that himself.
“You picked an absolute idiot, you know that, right?” He was too tired to argue.
“Yeah.” He said silently. Aaron just shook his head.
“I grabbed you some stuff, it’s all in the bag, because I am sure if I tried to convince you to go home to eat, sleep, and shower, it would only be over your dead body?”
“You would assume correctly.”
“Thought so. I booked a flight home for tomorrow around lunch. If you want me to, I can stay here. Or I can go back to your apartment in case you need something.” Again, Andrew wondered when exactly Aaron had become so caring.
“Go back home to sleep, Aaron. There is a free set of sheets in the guest bedroom.” Then, when had he become so caring?
“Are you sure?” Aaron somehow didn't seem to like the idea of leaving Andrew here alone.
“There is nothing you can do; besides, you don’t even like Neil.” And then Aaron looked at him in a way he had never done before. He looked at Andrew as if he were stupid.
“You still haven’t understood it, have you? He is important to you, Andrew. Of course, I care about him.” And with that, he left Andrew standing alone in the empty waiting room.
The next time Neil woke up was at 07:30 am when a nurse from the morning shift came to check on him. She made the mistake of letting the door fall shut. A seemingly normal sound in a busy hospital let the previously peacefully sleeping Neil shoot upright in a panic.
He was breathing heavily with great difficulty, and his eyes were shooting through the room completely aimlessly.
Andrew shot the nurse an evil look before turning to Neil. He slowly, so that Neil could see every move he made, put his hand on Neil's neck.
“Breath junkie. You are at the hospital. I am here. You are safe.”
He had to repeat it a few times until the words sank into Neil, and he finally relaxed back. The fight was completely draining him. Andrew made sure to help Neil settle back into bed without causing him any pain, but his face still twisted painfully when he was back down.
The nurse must have seen it too: “he can get some more pain meds after we are done with his post-surgery discussion,” and with that, she slowly exited the room. Too scared to make another noise.
“Neil?” Andrew asked carefully. Neil slowly blinked his eyes back open. Andrew wasn’t used to Neil being this lethargic.
“Do you know where you are?” he asked.
“Hospital,” Neil answered, still squinting his eyes. Probably because of the lights.
Andrew nodded encouragingly.
“Do you know what happened?” he held his breath. Neil seemed to think for a second. Andrew was preparing for a second panic attack. But Neil was just slowly shaking his head, no. The movement seemed to cause him some pain because he quickly shut his eyes again.
“Hurts.” He whispered through clenched teeth, and Andrew bit his lips.
“I know. But you are going to be okay.” He wasn’t sure if he was saying it for Neil’s or his sake. But he frankly didn’t care.
The check-up went (not good or bad, it just went). Neil was barely conscious the whole time, only answering after being asked a yes or no question.
The doctor seemed little concerned about Neil's unusual behavior.
“It’s pretty normal after the sedative we gave him. It will probably wear off within the next hours.”
Andrew was extremely interested in what exactly they had given Neil that he was so unbothered by strangers touching him or talking to him. It scared him a little bit.
Neil slept for three more hours after the examination, and Andrew was about to get worried when he stirred.
“Hey.” Andrew offered.
“Mhm.” He was getting ready for another incomprehensible conversation, but this time, when Neil opened his eyes, they were clear, and he was staring straight at Andrew.
The intensity almost made Andrew flinch after such a long time of not really seeing him.
“You with me?” he asked tentatively, not trusting Neil’s sanity at the moment.
“Mhm yeah.” His voice sounded rough and tiny.
A beat of silence, then. “Why do I feel like shit?”
Andrew almost laughed at that statement.
“You were run over by a car about one and a half days ago. I would expect you to feel like shit.” At that, Neil looked confused.
“Why are you here?”
“I am your emergency contact. The hospital called.” He seemed even more confused at that.
“But you're not supposed to be here.”
“I took an early flight.” He said shortly. Neil swallowed.
“That bad?” he asked quietly. Andrew didn’t answer, and Neil lapsed into silence. But he wasn’t falling back asleep, which Andrew took as a good sign.
“I don’t remember.” He finally said after a beat.
“That is a typical side effect of head injuries.” Neil did not seem happy with that answer.
“I remember being happy.” That statement sounded so sad from Neil’s mouth.
“I bet. You played the best game of your career. Kevin’s words, not mine.” Mentioning Exy seemed to work like a secret remedy for Neil’s memories. Because suddenly understanding turned back into his face, and he quickly tried to sit up. Or he attempted to, because he didn’t make it very far.
“Slow, Neil. You were cut open and almost died not even 24 hours ago.”
But he nonetheless helped Neil into a sitting position. Sitting upright seemed to take some adjustment for Neil. And Andrew could see him taking some deep breaths before saying through clenched teeth, “I am going to be sick.” Andrew had never jumped up so fast in his life.
After Neil had emptied his stomach a few times into a little plastic bag and the nurses had checked on his stitches, they were back in the same situation as before.
“So, I played the game. I remember that. And what you are saying is, on my run home, I got hit by a car?” out of Neil’s mouth, the story somehow sounded incredibly unbelievable. And Andrew had agreed, out of all the things that had happened to Neil, being run over by a car on a random day sounded the most unbelievable. Andrew took a deep breath. Because if what he thought was true, they would have to flee immediately.
“Would the Moriyamas stage something like that?” Neil didn’t even blink before answering.
“No. Trust me. If the Moriyamas wanted to kill me, you would know it was them. And besides… “ he trailed off. Andrew gave him a second to think, and when he didn’t continue, he asked.
“What?”
“I remember talking to someone. Right after the game. I wanted to call you, but one of their men took me to the side.” Neil looked up into Andrew’s eyes then. “He told me that I didn’t have to worry about future violent encounters because there had been a change in leadership. Whatever the fuck that means. And that they would handle things less violently, was the word he used, I think, in the future.” Andrew just stared at him. This meant all his fucking worrying over the past months had been completely irrelevant. And the almost panic attack in that fucking mountain restaurant, too.
Neil looked at him curiously. Andrew sighed internally. It didn’t matter that Neil was on the verge of death; he still noticed every tiny thing that was wrong with Andrew. It was sickening.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“It’s nothing,” Andrew stressed. But Neil understood it for what it was, not here, not now.
“So if it weren’t the Moriyamas getting rid of you, who was it?” Andrew quickly changed the topic.
“No clue. A drunk driver?” Andrew rolled his eyes. The relief that he did not have to give up his life (Neil) just yet made any anger towards the unknown driver vanish.
After their short talk, Neil became quiet and quickly fell back asleep.
This was what the rest of this and the next day looked like. Neil would be awake for a while and talk to Andrew as if everything was normal, but quickly, Andrew could tell he was getting exhausted by the pain or the concussion, and went back to sleep. Sometimes he also just lay there staring at the silent TV. The fact that he didn’t even refuse the pain meds they pumped into him was proof of how much pain he was in. Neil had woken up multiple times from the pain and had not said a word when Andrew had pushed the button.
Aaron had come by to say his goodbyes before his flight.
“How is he?” was the first thing he asked when he saw Andrew. Andrew had stopped being surprised.
“Still asleep for most of the day. But it’s getting better.”
“That’s good. If he’s sleeping, it means his body is healing.” Andrew just nodded.
“I fed your greedy cats.” Andrew felt a pang of guilt at the thought of Sir and King.
“I don’t think they even noticed I wasn’t you.”
“They are stupid,” Andrew responded.
“They are just cats,” Aaron said.
“Same thing.” Andrew could see the tiniest snort on Aaron’s face before he wiped it away.
“I should get going. My flight is in two hours.” Andrew looked at him silently while Aaron gathered his things.
“You should go home tonight, Andrew. Sleep for a bit. Shower. Eat something. You are no use to Neil in this state.” Andrew knew he was right, but he obviously didn’t say so.
“You will miss your flight.” But Aaron wouldn’t leave.
“I mean it, Andrew. Take care of yourself. And call me if there is anything else I can do.”
“There won’t be.” He answered quickly. He knew it was the wrong thing to say when Aaron just sighed and went to turn around.
“Aaron.” He turned back around, his hand clasping his bag.
“Thank you.” There was something relaxing in his posture at those words.
“Of course. We’re family.” And that was the second time in a row, Aaron left Andrew standing at a loss for words. This usually never happened to him.
And while it urked him, he did follow Aaron’s advice. After the second day at the hospital, Neil had been moved to a normal room, which he had to share with an old guy. They also removed all of the caplets and monitors stuck to him, apart from his infusion, and lowered his pain meds. While Neil still seemed pretty dazed from the concussion, he was awake far more often and sounded more awake.
And with the knowledge that Neil’s heart was beating on his own, and Neil assured him he would be fine for a while, Andrew went home. Their apartment felt weird without Neil in it. The cats were excited to see him, and he didn’t believe Aaron when he said they thought he was him. He fell asleep as soon as his face hit the pillow. The next morning, he took a shower, had breakfast, and drove straight to the hospital.
In the parking lot, his phone rang.
“Hey, Bee.”
“Hello, Andrew, how are you?” He closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure how he should find the strength to tell her what happened.
“Aaron told me what happened.” He breathed out, relieved.
“Of course he has.”
“He was worried for you.”
“Well, I'm not the one in a hospital bed.”
She just hummed. He was sure this was a conversation they would have at a later point.
“How is Neil?”
“He is…” How was Neil? “He is doing fine, considering the circumstances. He might be discharged tomorrow.”
“That is amazing news, Andrew! I’m sure he will be able to relax a lot better at home.”
Andrew just hummed and turned on a cigarette. He really had neglected his hobby for the past few days.
“And how are you dealing with everything?”
He exhaled sharply. Bee probably knew exactly that he was smoking right now. He could practically feel her disapproval of his coping mechanism through the phone.
“I didn’t,” he inhaled. he enjoyed the feeling of smoke filling up his lungs for a moment before exhaling sharply. “Well, not at first. When I noticed something was wrong, I just… I don’t know went through the motions. I was scared, I think. It was weird.”
“It’s a perfectly normal reaction, I'm sure it was a huge shock.”
“Hmm.”
“Have you talked to Neil about how this made you feel?” Andrew almost laughed.
“Neil is in no shape or form for such a conversation.” She chuckled.
“Yeah, that makes sense. But maybe when Neil is feeling a bit better, you two could talk about it?”
Andrew thought about it. “Maybe.”
They chatted a bit after that. Andrew told her about the old guy whom Neil shared a room with, and that Aaron had stayed at their apartment for the first time. It felt good talking to Bee. It was familiar, and by the time they said goodbye, he felt grounded.
“It was nice talking to you, Andrew. Tell Neil I wish him all the best and a speedy recovery.”
“He will be thrilled to hear that.” Andrew bit back. But she just laughed. “Don’t be mean, Andrew.”
They agreed to schedule another session when things had settled down a bit and Neil was back at home.
Neil was discharged the next day so Andrew drove home and packed Neil a loose shirt and a similarly oversized pair of old shorts he still had from college (Neil considered them his lucky shorts because he wore them when they had won the championship in his first year, he had told everyone he lost them but everyone knew he was lying).
Getting Neil changed gave Andrew a taste of the next few weeks. Neil’s concussion made him not only tired, nauseous, and light sensitive, but it also threw off his sense of balance. Neil struggled with walking a straight line or standing up straight. Combined with the fresh wound on Neil’s stomach and the broken ribs, it took them thirty minutes alone to get his old shirt off and the new one on. By the time they were done, they were both breathing heavily, and Neil looked a little green.
“This is it. I'm never changing again. This will be the outfit I will die in.” It was supposed to be a joke to lighten the mood. Realistically, Andrew knew that, but he still looked at Neil sharply.
“You are not dying.” After that, Neil was quiet. Andrew looked away.
The atmosphere grew thicker with the amount of unsaid words growing by the minute. So Andrew was relieved when the doctor finally came in with Neil’s discharge papers.
The instructions were clear. Bed rest for the next few days. Then his stitches would be removed, and he could start moving a bit more. No heavy lifting. No exercise. No sex. Avoid screens, bright rooms, and loud noises. And check for signs of infection bla bla bla. Andrew had to change Neil’s bandages daily, and they had a check-up every two days.
Andrew memorized every word the doctor said while Neil looked white as a sheet in the wheelchair they had forced him into. Instead of listening to the words the doctor said to him, it seemed to take Neil all the strength in the world not to double over while sitting up straight.
For once, Andrew was thankful for how low the Maserati was, because it was easy to transfer Neil into the seats of the car. Andrew had rolled the seats back almost all the way when he arrived, so Neil was almost lying in the car, but he still held a hand protectively around his stomach the whole way home. Andrew could feel him tense at every bump in the road. He clenched his fists around the steering wheel when they went over a big one that was unavoidable, and Neil drew a sharp breath in. He had forcefully clenched his eyes together, a pained expression on his face.
“We’re almost home.” He caught himself saying.
The way up to their apartment was similarly difficult, and Andrew was glad the elevator was working. Usually, they would part ways here. Neil always insisted on taking the stairs, but Andrew simply refused to exercise any more than he already did. So they sometimes raced. Andrew always won.
“Wanna take the stairs?” he asked, humor bleeding through his voice. Neil was panting next to him, and he was hunched over a bit. He had extended one hand to lean onto the wall, but at least he was standing on his own.
“Fuck you,” he panted.
As soon as the elevator started moving, Neil swallowed hard and used both hands to steady himself against the wall.
“You okay?” Andrew couldn’t stop himself from asking.
“Yeah.” Neil breathed out, “Just dizzy.” Andrew pressed the button on their floor aggressively, as if that would make the elevator ride go by faster.
Once they had finally made it to their apartment, he could hear Neil breathe out a sigh of relief. And he honestly felt the same after days spent on uncomfortable hospital chairs.
“Bed or couch?” Andrew asked.
“Couch, I don’t wanna sleep again.” Andrew wanted to disagree, the doctor had explicitly told him to take it easy. But he guessed the couch was fine for now.
Once Neil was all settled and the cats had come out to investigate, Andrew started to put the apartment back together.
He should be relieved that Neil was finally home. And he was, but somehow he still felt restless. He cleaned up their bedroom and put new sheets on, so it felt like theirs again. And when he went to their guest bedroom to get the ones Aaron had used, he was surprised that those had already been washed and dried. They were neatly folded on the bed. Andrew felt a pang of something in his chest. He was too exhausted to investigate, so he just silently went on with his little cleaning spree.
Once the flat felt clean and like home again, he asked Neil what he wanted for dinner. They were going to order in, he had decided.
“I don’t care, you can pick. I’m not that hungry anyway.” So Chinese it was.
He made sure to refill Neil’s glass of water and then took a long, hot shower. Once he was done and dressed, the food had already arrived.
They ate silently on the couch while a cartoon was playing on the TV in silence. Well, Andrew ate. Once he had started, he had noticed how hungry he actually was. And that this had been the first real meal he had eaten in days. Neil did not seem to feel the same. He took a few bites and then put his plate down.
“You feel better now?” Neil asked him after Andrew was finished. He knew Neil didn’t mean the food, but the excessive cleaning.
“Aaron had already washed his sheets.” Andrew felt like he needed to tell someone.
“Oh. How uncharacteristically nice of him.” Andrew agreed.
“He acted weird lately. I think he was actually worried about you.” Neil just raised his eyebrows at him.
“Bee wishes you a speedy recovery,” he told Neil. He just felt like he needed to say something.
Neil hummed. “It’s good that you talked to her.” Now it was Andrew’s turn to hum. He stared at the TV.
“What is on your mind?” Neil asked, and Andrew’s head snapped back to him. Neil’s pure eyes were staring back at him with that piercing stare that gave Andrew shivers. When Neil looked at him, he didn’t just see him; he could see his insights. It scared him. There was a crease between Neil’s eyes, the one he only got when he was worried. Worried about Andrew. Andrew hated this look.
“You should worry about yourself. I’m not the one who got run over by a car.” But Neil didn’t budge. He was so annoyingly determined sometimes.
“Andrew. Don’t deflect. It’s just me.” Ah. There it was. Andrew clenched his jaw. Because that was exactly the problem, wasn’t it? There was just Neil.
“I was scared, you know. When I couldn’t reach you, when you didn’t answer my calls. And then when the hospital called me, I didn't know what was going on. And after what happened with the Moriyamas, I was just… helpless.” Neil just stared at him in silence for a moment, but Andrew was not done.
“It’s just, I can’t lose you, Neil.” Neil’s eyes turned soft. Andrew looked away. He hated him.
“You won’t, Andrew.” He could feel Neil’s hand grab his. “Hey, look at me.” He turned to meet Neil's eyes.
“You can’t protect me from everything.”
“I know that.”
“I’ve come so far, I won’t give up so easily now. Not after everything.” There was that glimmer in Neil’s eyes, the one that had left after he had been attacked by the Moriyamas.
“There are things you can’t control.” But Neil didn’t look convinced. Telling Neil he was scared the Mafia would kill him suddenly felt so absurd considering who he was talking to. He looked away, regret creeping up his neck.
“I spent my whole life running away from the Mafia, you really think I will just let them hurt me? Or you?” And there it was. That fire that Andrew had so deeply missed.
“They are not invincible. And besides, after the talk I had it doesn’t seem like them just getting rid of me will be a possibility in the future. Apparently, Ichiouro was thrown off his little throne, and they want to change a lot of things. He didn’t tell me the details, but he assured me I wouldn’t have to worry about another attack, as long as the payments keep coming in, of course.”
Andrew didn’t seem convinced.
“I am not going anywhere, Andrew.” It was the determination with which he said it, as if it were a fact. That he was the one to decide whether he died or not. And maybe it was naïve or stupid, but Andrew soaked in Neil’s confidence as if it were a drug.
“You better not, who would overfeed the cats if you’re gone?” Neil laughed.
“Hey! I didn’t overfeed them. I gave them the same amount of food they always get, I swear.”
“I’m not so sure. King looks a bit bigger since I've been back.” Neil just rolled his eyes. But he had a small smile on his face. There was a normality there that Andrew had missed. Talking to Neil felt natural to him, easier than breathing sometimes. He felt the last bit of tension leaving his body. This was what he had missed.
After a beat of silence where Andrew had almost thought Neil had fallen asleep, he spoke again.
“I would crawl over to you to kiss you now, but I think that would not end up so good for either of us.” Andrew couldn’t suppress the tiny smile that sneaked onto his lips.
“Shut up, you idiot.” And with that, he carefully crawled over to Neil. He kneeled over him without putting any pressure on his torso and pressed his lips onto Neil’s.
He could feel Neil's tension leaving him. This was their first kiss since Andrew had left for Germany, and it had definitely been too long. In that moment, he knew that right here with Neil was the only place he ever really belonged. And when Neil carefully lifted his hand to go through his hair, Andrew knew that they were going to be okay.