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When Ichimatsu was younger he hadn’t given much thought to what he was. He knew he was Ichimatsu Matsuno, the fourth born out of a set of sextuplets, and that was all he needed to know for his identity. He had never given it much thought past that, until he and his brothers had been gifted the game, “Pokémon Crystal” for their birthday.
Their parents couldn’t afford to give each of them a copy of the game and a system to play it on, which meant they all had to share. Sharing had never been their strong suit. They always fought over everything, each wanting to own something that was just theirs'.
This meant that not only did they fight and squabble over whose turn it was to play it, but it was a fight to have their save file be the one to survive. None of them could even make it past the first gym before another one saved over it. Ichimatsu couldn’t remember any of them actually succeeding in this before they all grew tired of it, and moved on to the next thing.
What he did remember though was the event that turned his world upside down: He had finally gotten his hands on the system and had locked himself in their bedroom closet to play before one of his brothers found him. He sometimes watched his brothers play, but they had been in the middle of their turn. He had never seen the opening before.
Everything had been fine until the game asked him, “Are you a boy or a girl?” That made him pause. All of his brothers had the same male sprite, so he had assumed that was the only character available. It seemed obvious that he should pick the same character that they did, but he couldn’t make his thumb hit the A button. He was frozen.
“Are you a boy or a girl?” He had never thought about it before. He had been told that he and his brothers were boys, but what made them boys?
“Boys are strong and rowdy,” his father had told him when he asked.
It was true that he and his brothers were loud and often fought, but Totoko-chan was strong as well. She wasn’t afraid to punch them in the stomach when they were too much for her (or when she mistook them for Osomatsu), so was she a boy?
His father laughed at his question. “No! Totoko-chan is a girl. She might be strong, but she’s also cute.”
So, being cute made you a girl? If he were to ever become cute then would he be a girl?
His father paused at that question. “No, Osoma– What? Oh, right, Ichimatsu. No, that wouldn’t make you a girl. You see boys…I mean girls…” His father paused for a moment, as if he was trying to think of how to explain this, but he seemed to have given up in the end. “You’ll understand when you’re older!” That’s what he often said when they questioned him too much or he wanted them to obey him.
Ichimatsu had stopped asking him after that because he truly believed that he would understand once he got older.
When he got a bit older, he was eventually told that the difference between boys and girls was “boys have penises, and girls have vaginas.” If that was the case though, then what about what his father said? About how boys were strong and girls were cute? Did that have nothing to do with their privates?
One day during school his class was taught about grammar and pronouns. “They is used when you’re referring to a group of people. For example; Yuki and Taka went to the park. They had a good time,” his male teacher explained.
They. That word stuck out to him. He had looked down at his notes. His teacher had said that “they” was a pronoun, and earlier he said “he” and “she” were pronouns as well. He and she were just another word for boy and girl, so did that mean “they” was a gender as well?
He would never forget how silent the class had seemed after he asked that question. Everyone had stopped and turned to stare at him. His teacher had this strange look on his face that Ichi was unable to place at the time. All Ichi could do was sit there, with his hand raised, as everyone stared at him like he had done something wrong.
“No, Ichi,” his teacher said. “Boy and girl are the only genders.” Teachers liked to say that there was no stupid question, but at that moment, Ichi thought that he might be the first person to finally ask one.
Ichi lowered his hand and the teacher went back to the lesson, which made everyone else turn back to their studies. His brothers would later tease him about his question. They didn’t know why it was a bad question, but their teacher’s tone made them think they knew why.
While most of the kids learned about grammar that day, Ichi learned another lesson: Stop asking questions about gender. No one else questioned it like he did, and it was clear that he would be cast aside if he continued, so it was best if he just pretended to understand like everyone else seemed to.
It wasn’t like anyone could answer his questions anyway.
If someone asked Ichi if he ever felt like a boy, he would say no. It wasn’t like he felt like a girl though. What did it even mean to “feel like a boy/girl” anyway? Did anyone else? Was there some special feeling that they all felt, and Ichi was the only one who didn’t? Had he been born without it?
He thought about asking one of his brothers, one of his friends, or even Totoko, but the memory of that day in class always resurfaced in his mind when he did, and it would die on his tongue. It was alright. He didn’t need to know. All he needed to do was smile and pretend to be like everyone else.
Maybe if he kept doing that, the answer would finally appear to him. Maybe one day it would all click into place and he would finally feel like a boy.
He just needed to smile and force himself to blend in with everyone else. If his guy friends liked girls, then he liked girls. If they liked sports, then he liked sports. If they hated girly things, then he hated girly things.
He just had to keep copying until he understood.
It hadn’t worked. All that copying, all that smiling, all that laughter had just drained him until he was nothing but a depressing, pathetic shell of a person. He had grown into a NEET like the rest of his brothers, but he still hadn’t grown into being a man like them.
One thing did click for him though; his father was wrong. He was older, yet he still didn’t understand, and he probably never would.
That’s what he had truly believed, until one summer afternoon…
“Does Ichimatsu nii-san still not feel like a man?”
The question had been so unexpected that Ichimatsu almost dropped the popsicle he held. He was on the roof with Jyushimatsu. Both of them were enjoying some ice cream their mother had randomly bought for all of them.
“W-what?” Was all Ichimatsu could stutter out. He had caught his popsicle before it had fallen to the ground, but now it was melting down onto his fingers. Not that he noticed.
Jyushimatsu turned his head to look at Ichimatsu. “Does Ichimatsu nii-san still not feel like a man?”
So Ichimatsu hadn’t misheard him. “How did you…” He started to ask, but then he stopped. He could say it was because he knew he wouldn’t get a straight answer from Jyushi, but the truth was Ichi was tired.
Not tired in the sense that the heat of the day was making him want to go to bed, but rather in that he was tired of pretending. He had been pretending for most of his life, and now it seemed like he was finally going to get the answer he desperately wanted.
If the universe was feeling generous towards him for once of course…
He sighed. “Yeah, I don’t.” He licked the sticky, sweet, grape-flavored liquid off his hand. His fingers still felt sticky. “You must think I’m a freak.”
“Hmmm, I do.”
The pain that shot through Ichi’s heart made him wheeze. His hand opened and he dropped his popsicle, but this time he made no attempt to catch it. He was no stranger to his brothers saying rude things to each other. Hell, he said ruder things to Shittymatsu than that, but for some reason, this hurt him more than he had ever experienced in his life.
“But not because Ichi isn’t a man.”
“Huh?” He looked over at Jyushi, who was staring at him with his trademark smile.
“I think Ichi is a freak, but not for that reason,” he repeated. “And Ichi knows what I mean.” He kept his smile, but squinted his eyes in a way that meant Ichi should know exactly what he meant.
Sadly, Ichi did. He looked away. It wasn’t exactly his fault that he was a masochist.
A silence washed over the pair again as Jyushi went back to eating his ice cream. Ichi looked down at his that had fallen next to him. Most of it had melted, leaving behind a sticky puddle that would probably leave a stain on the roof. He picked the stick up and held it down so the liquid didn’t get on his hand again. There was still a bit of ice cream stuck on it, but he wasn’t planning on eating it.
“So, why don’t you think I’m a freak for that?” He asked. “I’m probably the only person in the world who feels this way.”
“Nu uh. There’s lots of people who feel like Ichimatsu.”
Ichi’s head snapped so fast, so violently towards Jyushi that Ichi was sure it’d be sore tomorrow. “What.”
Jyushi wasn’t looking at him this time. He was busy staring up into the sky as he swung his legs over the edge of the roof. “Totty said that nowadays there are a lot of different people who feel different ways on the internet,” he said. “Like trains people, queen people, and no-berry people!”
Ichi only stared at his brother. What was he supposed to say to that? It was either nonsense that the fifth brother was making up, or there really were train people. Either way, how did that help him?
“The hell is no-berry people?” Ichi muttered. He grimaced as the last of his popsicle slid off the stick and landed in the puddle. He really should clean that up before the sun baked it into the roof and–
“People with no gender–” Jyushi blinked as he felt a sudden breeze on his right side. He turned his head, but he didn’t see Ichimatsu. “Nii-san?” He looked down and saw a purple puddle.
“AHHH!” He jumped up and pointed his sleeve at the puddle. “NII-SAN MELTED!!”
Todomatsu hummed as he lay on the couch, scrolling through the feed on his phone. He was enjoying the peace while his brothers weren’t around to bother him. “Hm, too bad every day can’t be like this,” he said to himself. It was especially nice to be able to play with his phone without one of them asking to borrow–
The shoji door slammed open so hard that the entire frame shook. A dark figure shot past and lay above Todomatsu before the youngest could blink. “Tottyyyy,” the creature drawled out in a deep voice, its dark eyes staring right into his soul.
“AHHHH!” He screamed. He punched the creature as hard as he could in its face, sending it flying off him and onto the floor. “GET AWAY, DEMON!” He scrambled up into a sitting position, his heart racing so fast it was causing him to pant, and looked at what he had punched.
Instead of seeing the demon, he saw Ichimatsu sitting on the ground, rubbing his cheek where Todomatsu had hit him. ‘So, it was a demon,’ Todomatsu thought bitterly.
“What the heck, Todomatsu?!” Ichimatsu spat, glaring and growling at him like some feral cat.
“What do you mean ‘what the heck’?! That’s my line!” Todomatsu spat back, giving him a glare of his own. “Why did you come in here like that?!”
Because he had gotten too excited for once in his NEET life, but he would never admit that. Instead, he just shrugged. “Dunno.”
His apathetic answer seemed to work as the youngest just rolled his eyes, and went back to lying on the couch. “Whatever. Did you want something?”
Ichimatsu stood up and walked over to him. He stood beside him as he held his hand out, “phone.”
“Why?” Todomatsu didn’t look away from his phone.
“'Cause.”
“'Cause why?”
“'Cause I need it.”
“For what?”
Ichimatsu scowled. This wasn’t getting him anywhere. “Why’s it matter?”
“Because of what you guys look up.”
Ichimatsu paused. Ok, Todo had him there. Ichi wished he could blame the three eldest for this, but each of them was just as guilty. To be fair though, none of them knew phones had this thing called “history.”
He thought about just lying and saying he wanted to look at cat videos. It was what he usually did with it, but that cursed “history” would just bite him in the ass again, and there was a chance Todo would just say no.
For once Ichimatsu would have to swallow his pride and (ugh) be honest.
He sat down on his knees and gulped. “Jyushi…Jyushimatsu said there were people with no genders on the internet.”
Todomatsu paused. He slowly sat up again, this time turning his body so he was looking at Ichi. “Yeah?” He kept his face and tone neutral, giving Ichi no hints on how he should proceed.
Ichi could feel the sweat pouring down his face, even though the AC was on. His hands shook as his heart raced. ‘This was a mistake,’ he thought. ‘I should just run away, like I alwa–’
“I think I might be one…” The words felt like lead as they left his mouth, but he forced them out anyway.
He wouldn’t run away this time. Not anymore. He was so tired of not knowing, of not feeling like a person. He would finally understand what was so different about him.
He didn’t wait for Todomatsu to react–or even look up at him–and just continued. “He called them no-berry people.”
“…He said what?”
“No-berry people,” he repeated, looking up at Todomatsu. Even as Ichi said it he felt it was wrong, but then again maybe he was the wrong one. Sometimes Jyushimatsu was wiser than he let on, so maybe this was one of thos–
Todomatsu sighed and rolled his eyes. “He meant ‘non-binary’ people. Not ‘no-berry.’”
And just like that, Ichi was reminded why he didn’t trust most of what Jyushi said.
Luckily for once Todomatsu decided to make things easier for them both and continued, “nonbinary is when your gender isn’t only female or male. You could be both at the same time, or change it regularly, or–”
“Have no gender.”
Todomatsu nodded. “Yes. People with no genders tend to go by the pronouns of they/them–”
‘So they is a gender!’ Ichi took a second to mentally blow up his elementary school teacher.
“--or they want to be called it,” Todomatsu continued. “There’s also subcategories of non-binary that mix genders or experience them differently, but I don’t think we need to get into that today.”
He typed a few times on his phone before he slid off the couch and sat down next to Ichimatsu, knowing that the elder brother wouldn’t get on the couch if he asked. “So, let’s just focus on non-binary for now.” He held his phone out between them. “So, here’s some people talking about being non-binary–”
That night most of the sextuplets were sleeping soundly on the futon, some of them snoring so loudly that it was amazing the whole room wasn’t shaking. Ichimatsu was still awake, but not because of that.
‘I am non-binary,’ the thought made their chest feel warm and their heart raced a little. Not only did they have a word that would help others (and themselves) understand Ichi’s feelings, but they finally had an identity.
They weren’t a boy, a girl, or even both. They were genderless.
They turned their head to look at their siblings. So far only Jyushi and Todomatsu knew this. “Don’t tell the others,” Ichi said, and both had agreed. Surprisingly Jyushi was able to not blurt it out and Todomatsu didn’t need a bribe. The rest of the evening had continued as normal.
It wasn’t that Ichi didn’t want their brothers to know, but rather they weren’t ready to tell them yet. Finding out their identity had taken most of their mental energy already. They couldn’t handle the positive responses and questions on top of that.
They yawned. They would worry about that tomorrow. For now, sleep was calling them.
They closed their eyes and drifted off.
"Are you a boy or a girl?”
Two spotlights came on. Under one spotlight was Professor Elm. Under the second one was Ichimatsu, looking just like he had when he was ten years old, except he was dressed exactly like Gold, the male Pokémon protagonist.
“Are you a boy or a girl?” Professor Elm asked again, smiling down at him.
Ichimatsu stared at him for a moment before he smirked. His clothing glitched. “Am I a boy or a girl?” The glitching soon spread to his whole body, making him unrecognizable.
When the glitching stopped Ichimatsu was back to being an adult and wearing a purple hoodie, baggy blue sweatpants, and purple sandals. Ichimatsu was now eye-level with the professor.
"I’m neither,” they said. “I’m Ichimatsu Matsuno.”