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Of course, I hate him. Naturally!
But hatred, if you will, is simply love turned upside down and inside out. Some say that all negative emotions are merely the inverse of positive ones. Where there is hatred and anger, they claim, love (or at least attachment) is always lurking invisibly nearby, often unintentionally. Betrayal, they claim, is merely evidence of jealousy and fury at the inability to obtain what one desires. And, under the right conditions, icy contempt will sooner or later transform into burning affection.
I wish I had never experienced this myself. Do perfect people exist, those who command themselves flawlessly? Alas, I have never been one of them. And now, observing myself (and, of course, a certain Minister), I can see with crystal clarity how these alchemical transformations of emotion unfold.
It’s true: we hate most fiercely those whom we once loved… or fear loving. Those who became too important to us. Those... the one who quietly touched what was most vulnerable, unguarded, deeply buried, exiled, and forgotten. And then you no longer know what you want: to be devoted and loyal to him or to betray him, to break free and reclaim your lost peace.
Naturally, I despise my current Minister.
I despise him because yielding to other feelings and desires would bring the sword of Damocles crashing down upon our lives.
Maintaining this cold detachment grows harder by the day, sarcasm no longer shields me as it once did. Every time he draws nearer, it becomes more difficult to respond with mocking indifference. There was a time when my defences were so impenetrable that I scarcely felt anything at all. My experience, my entire past life, had frozen me solid. I believed it was irreversible.
I despise him for how utterly different we are. In every conceivable way... I hate that he remains so infuriatingly warm and even affectionate towards me despite it all. I hate his naive, "bold" ideas. I hate the path he has chosen, one that, with inevitable logic, will lead him to political ruin. I hate that he needs my support and advice yet stubbornly ignores it! And I hate the fact that I find myself unexpectedly and intensely caring about any of this.
The greater the sympathy and attraction between us, the greater my hatred must be, pushing us apart and preserving the status quo. This equilibrium must be maintained at all costs.
I loathe him for... growing dear to me. For making me want to open up my soul to him. For putting me in this agonisingly beautiful and vulnerable state. I hate that I could never tell him the truth. I hate that I could never call him my cherished friend. Who could endure all this without resorting to feigned indifference and pretended disdain? I loathe the immense power he has gained over me. Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to have fully realised it yet... I hate how close he is — right in my heart. He already possesses my thoughts and dreams.
I hate him because he loves too... Yes, I despise the emotional exhibitionism, he mistakes for honesty and frankness. This man's idealism never ceases to astonish me.
'Times are changing, Humphrey! The 21st century is practically at our doorstep!'
Oh, I can see exactly how times are changing. At this very moment, the Tory Party is pushing Section 28 through Parliament, and once it passes... As if all the other pressing issues have already been resolved, according to our esteemed politicians! And of course, it will fall to us, to our Department, to handle the administrative intricacies of implementing this barbaric bill!
I hate Ji-... Hacker for being insufferable and provoking me with his idiotic arguments. For listening to his foolish heart rather than his head. For refusing to be a realist. I hate him even as I admire him. So I keep him at arm's length... I hate this mischievous boyish grin of his, I can hardly tear my eyes away from. I hate the fear and trembling that his every word, touch, or glance stirs in me. I resent my own helplessness and this treacherous longing to confess. I hate him because otherwise, I couldn’t endure this yearning for warmth, for closeness.
Hate is the only way to conceal my weakness. From him, from myself, from the world. Because opening one's heart again would be too painful, while hatred offers the illusion of control.
I hate him... because I must.