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Xander has always had sleep issues, with everything he's been through it's a wonder that sleep deprivation hasn't killed him already. He's dealt with it in his own way, energy drinks during the day, various sleep aid at night, different elicit substances, all with mild success. Being in fendraya is exhausting though, and even without all his usual coping he’s felt at ease with his friend all sleeping nearby. At one point Xander even thought he’d over come his borderline insomnia working through some of his past trauma with the people close to him.
Ever since he came clean to his friends about suppressing something, after he let the beast out, he's barely had any energy at all. Every night so far since then he’s been sent away, blueberry keeping watch of the other two while he sleeps in his own area all alone. Even with the suppression ring on they just “didn’t want to take any chances”… Jett didn’t want to take any chances.
Xander knew it was mostly, if not all Jetts say. Jett was the one after all who woke up terrified of his existence the night after the warebat incident. Jett is the main one that side eyes him the most in battle as if at any moment Xander will turn and swallow his friends whole and Jett is the reason Xander hasn’t let himself take more than a short nap every night while blue is awake; because Jett has Xander believing he’s not wrong.
Xander is just sitting on the other side of camp, knees to his chest with his arms on top supporting has head just staring into nothing. He is DESPERATELY trying to keep himself from passing out until blueberry finishes her trance, he has to. ‘I could hurt them….I can’t let myself hurt anyone else close to me’ he thinks with a sigh. Xander tries to squeeze the sleep from his eyes as his gaze shifts to Sebastian. In the few hours he rests the memories have slowly come back to him ‘You almost ate your best friend’ as he remembers Sebastian’s horrified face, his shoulder bleeding, and Xander remembers how HUNGRY it made the beast inside him, ‘you almost enjoyed it too'.
Xander pinches the bridge of his nose with a stretch, another sigh then pulled himself to his feet. ‘Moving will help, can’t sleep if I’m on my feet’ Xander dragged his feet along the dirt as he moves away from camp, not out of want but necessity.
Wandering is something he's always enjoyed with the desert being more interesting than the city could be, wandering became a pass time that let him truly be one with his thoughts.
Right on Xander wants to be fare away from his thoughts, probably as far away as Jett wants Xander to be at any given moment. 'Its because you can't be trusted' Xander spots a small stream and sits down next to a rock nearby. He looks at the amber liquid flowing through the ring on his pinky. 'this can't guarantee their safety, nothing can anymore when you're around' Xander is starting to wonder if it's the warebat talking to him in his head. He remembers the pained sounds his friends made when wrapped in his IT'S leathery wings 'no, the only thing that beast thinks is feeding'. Almost as if in an approving response his stomach growls. 'The beast is a burden on everyone, It makes HIM a burden'. It takes all the willpower he can muster to try silencing the thoughts with a splash of water directly to the face.
Xander stares at the bags under his eyes in his reflection 'cant keep this up for much longer' he's barely able to to keep himself going anymore. He uses up too much of his good vibe magic in a day just to help heal what a normal nights rest would, not to mention that he constantly has up the "normal Xander"disguise to keep the looks of putty off blues face. The first few nights he was awake as blueberry came out of her trance Xander noticed that she made subtle sad glanced at him like she knew exactly what he was doing.
"Don't worry 'bout me blue, you know I've always had a shitty sleep schedule. Fendraya doesn't got energy drinks so I'm just trying to kick my old sleep schedule,that's all." he'd said with a small close eyed smile he'd faked hoping to make it more believable, since then he's used fake Xander to put her more at ease.
Xander was almost too busy contemplating letting himself fall face first in this river just to see where it would take him to hear the soft sound of footsteps grow louder before a branch crack. Xander running on adrenaline alone sent his ice dagger flying twords the sound as he pulls himself into a small crouch, ready to book it back to camp the first signs of danger.
"Xander?! Buddy what the hell!" Xander squints his eyes, his vision is flawless at night but the stance he jumped into took too much of the too little energy he had left. "Watch where you're throwing that thing! and what are you doing over here it's late, you shouldn't just wander off like that while we're all sleeping" he recognizes Jetts voice before he recognizes the figure standing about 20 feet away. Xanders head is pounding so he floppes aggressively back down to his spot
"river swimmin. good pass time, better in cold night water" he mumbles into his han that he absent mindedly used to rub to searing pain from the cheekbones directly under his eyes.
"In your cloths? That are fully dry? Nice try bud" The gentle thud next to him almost sends Xander scrambling up again, at least it would if he could see straight. He instead flinches away from the spot where Jett had unwelcomly plopped himself down whilst continuing to badger on.
"What's it matter to you anyway Jett, shouldn't you be asleep too?" He lays back against the rock, the crook of his arm covering his burning eyes. 'probably here to finish you off in the middle of the night, crew wouldn't even have to know' he huffs and glares daggers twords Jetts general vicinity.
"blueberry said she thinks she hears you sneaking off sometimes, I wanted to see if she was right"
Xander lets out something akin to a shocked laugh mixed with a cold, sharp huffs.
"I see, afraid I'm stealing away to eat small baby squirrels whole? Or fucken.... I dunno rip the heads off birds or sumthin?" As he goes to lay his head back again he feels a cold scaley hand on his face so Xander quickly scrunches his face trying to force his head to the side before a second hand steadies it.
"Good Lord Xander what is going on with you!? No offense but you look..." Jett trails off so xander coldly finishes his sentence.
"monsterish?" Not even trying to meet Jetts stare. 'like you could blame him, your absolutely-'
"like your fighting somethin alone again man" softly from Jett, wich cuts off his thoughts completely in their tracks. He doesn't even resist being yanked forward into the other mans chest, stuck in a tight embrace "why do you keep putting awful words in my mouth!? Do you really believe I think about you like that Xan?" He stiffens at the way Jett abbreviates his name. He says it so caring and gently that Xander almost feels like say that's how he should Jett to say his name from now on. Instead Xander trys his best to use Jetts shoulders to push out of his firm arm lock.
"You can't say that when I see you looking at me like I'm gonna start munching on someone any damn SECOND!" The shoves just are not working so he tries digging his heels in the dirt "YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THE BEAST I AM, LIKE YOU WANT ME DEAD" He all but shreiks which only results in Jett pulling him forward more, toppling Xander so he is basically half laying on him. He can barely breathe the hold is so tight. With the last of his energy being spent desperately attempting to pry himself away, Xander no longer has grasp on his emotional barrier. That being said, He just submits himself to the hug and starts to sob in the quiets way possible. He feels Jetts chest start to shake as well, when Xander peers up through blurry eyes at Jett staring straight ahead in what seems to be hard thought and Breathe quick with what he might to be frustration
Through gritted "Im so STUPID! Im...Im sorry I never ment to make you feel that way. Sure I was pretty frightened at first but" his tone softens "I've just been so fucken worried about you! You seem like you're struggling constantly since we found out about Bat-Xanand I cannot figure out why, which is why I'm always checking on you. I guess my worry for you comes across a bit different...I'm so sorry xan" jet makes a sound similar to the one Xander did earlier when he was acting defensive while just shaking his head. There it is again, the nick name makes Xander feel flushed and he decides it's his turn to be honest.
"thought you were sending me away since I could attack you all in your sleep" Xander basically goes limp in Jetts arms, cheek press to his cool chest. He finds the chill soothing as he's always preferred to sleep in a colder area. "I've been staying up until blueberry is done trancing for the past..." Xander can't even remember. To be fair Xander doesn't have the functioning braincells left to think much. He shrugs but it also serves as him getting comfortable, Jett is probably the best pillow he's had in... however long they've been in fendraya. He should use him as a pillow more often."I've stopped being able to recover at night because of it, I'm basically running on fumes at all times" xander can barely keep his eyes open. maybe Jett is crushing his ribcage too much or maybe the deprivation is getting to him because he is on the verge of passing out "you might me squeezing too hard there my man, I'm about to pass out".
Xander feels Jetts grip soften for a second, immediately afterwards he feels his body being hoisted up, a strong arm around his back with the other hooked under his knees. "Jesus Christ bud you can't push yourself like that. I didn't know you felt forced out, that was for one night we barred you down because we where all still scared shitless" he feels his weight swaying slightly in Jetts arms as he walks them presumably back to camp. "We've been letting you do your own thing because we didn't want to push you socialize and make it worse. We've missed you though, I've missed you." Jetts voice wavers a bit and Xander can feel the reverb against his face in Jetts chest
"Ive always had sleep issues but when I was sleeping next to you guys I've never slept better. I've missed sleeping good, hell I miss sleeping." There's a long pause, neither of them really speaking "I've missed sleeping next to you too" he all but whispers as Jett attempts to lay him down in a sleeping bag that doesn't feel like his own. "Your a good pillow" Xander mumbles into Jett neerly incoherently before snoring softly.
"I'll be your pillow any time xan" jet yawns and instead lays down so xander can rest his head peacfully on top of him.
Bonus:
"you know Jett you can move him to the sleeping bag and get up? He's gonna be for a while, you can let him go for five minutes" Sebastian snorts at blueberries comment that leads to full on cackling when jett shoots a glare her way.
"No! He needs rest and I'm his pillow!" He pets Xanders hair and lays back down.