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“Good morning morons!” House calls as he strides into his office at exactly noon.
He makes his way past the fellows sitting around the table and begins pouring himself a coffee.
“Case?” He asks.
They offer several options, each one more boring than the last. They really are morons if they think any of those so-called ‘cases’ are worth his time.
“What’s on your neck?” Chase finally asks.
House smirks, taking a slow sip of his coffee.
“It’s called a hematoma,” House says, “or as the kids call it, a hickey.”
The fellows scoff.
“One of your hookers I presume?” Foreman says.
“Nope.” House makes sure to accent the ‘p’ at the end.
“What’s her name?” Chase asks.
House rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth, ready to say something juvenile like ‘your mom’ but then he decides that he could actually have some fun with this.
“His name,” he says, another smirk forming on his lips, “is none of your business.”
“Do we know him?”
That’s Cameron.
“Very well actually.” He says.
Cameron smiles at that. There’s a twinkle in her eye, the little minx, of course she put the pieces together. That’s why she’s his favorite.
“Is it Wilson?” She asks.
The other two fellows make sounds of shock, like they don’t believe he could pull Wilson or something.
“Glad to know that at least one of you isn’t asleep at the wheel.” House huffs a laugh.
“Yes, dear children, I’m hitting that. Or more accurately,” he corrects, “he’s hitting this.” He says gesturing to himself.
He pauses for a moment to let the words sink in, then continues.
“And by ‘hitting that’ I don’t mean over the head with a cane, I mean he puts his dick up my—-“
“We get it!” Foreman snaps. “We don’t want to hear it.”
“Why, Foreman,” House mocks offense, “I had no idea you were such a bigoted fag hater.”
Foreman actually looks taken aback at that.
“I am not a—I am not homophobic!” He says.
House only shrugs, “whatever helps you sleep at night, gay hater.”
A few hours later they do get a patient, one that House deems interesting enough to treat, that is.
They’re standing at the nurses station after a third failed test, trying to think of a better explanation before House calls them all morons again.
Foreman is speaking “It could be—“
“BOO!” He jumps, having just been cut off by House yelling.
“See!” Their boss says, “knew you were homophobic.”
“Just because I flinched at you yelling in my face!” Foreman says, “does not make me homophobic.”
“No,” House says, “hating gay people makes you homophobic.”
“I do not hate!—“ Foreman seems to remember his surroundings and lowers his voice then, “I do not hate gay people.”
House and the other two fellows are just standing there, waiting to see what happens nexts.
Foreman doesn’t give any more attention to House, instead going back to what he was saying before the interruption.
“No of course not,” House interjects again, “you’re just concerned for the sanctity of marriage.”
Foreman sighs, “House! For the last time I do not hate gay people. I kinda hate you though.”
“Because I’m gay!” House says triumphantly.
“No,” Foreman’s not sure why he’s still entertaining this, “because you’re a jackass.”
“YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I TAKE IT UP THE ASS!” House shouts accusingly.
The panic on Foreman’s face as he tries to assure the surrounding staff and patients' families that House is joking is almost worth getting called into warden Cuddy’s office.
Almost.
“I don’t know what kind of twisted game you all are playing but it ends. Now!” She says, the moment the door to her office closes.
“I don’t want to hear anything else about my staff being homophobic in front of patients.”
“Dr. Cuddy I wasn’t—“ Foreman starts.
“I don’t care!” She shouts, waving her hand at the four of them to get out of her sight.
Luckily for Foreman, though unluckily for their patient, they don’t make any headway with the diagnosis that night, and so he’s spared House’s accusations of homophobia in favor of actually trying to diagnose the sick person in their care.
The next day, House is not so forgiving.
If there’s a chance to make a ‘Foreman hates gay people’ comment, House takes it. Much to Foreman’s dismay.
For the most part, Foreman avoids talking to House outside of the differential diagnosis if he can help it.
Of course, it’s not long before House starts creating opportunities to call Foreman homophobic all on his own.
“Enough!” Foreman stops walking in the middle of the hallway, turning around to face House.
“What is it going to take for you to stop calling me homophobic?”
House seems to consider him for a moment, hand coming up to over-dramatically rub at his chin before snapping his fingers together and pointing at the other doctor.
“Admit you hate gay people.”
“I don’t!” Foreman throws his hands up in exasperation.
“Say it anyway,” House says.
Foreman shakes his head in disbelief, “no,” he says, turning and walking away from House.
It takes them another day and a half to finally diagnose the patient.
Paraneoplastic syndrome.
Wilson delivers the news.
That afternoon, when they’re all in the DDX room, Foreman takes the opportunity to finally get House to knock off the homophobia thing.
“Wilson,” he says, “for the love of god can you make House stop calling me homophobic?”
Wilson quirks an eyebrow, looking over at House who’s only defense of himself is to shrug his shoulders.
Wilson strides over to where House is leaning against the wall. He places a strong hand on House’s shoulder, leans in and in a low voice that can almost be described as a growl, says to the older man “behave yourself.”
The three fellows' mouths drop open, emotions of shock, fear, and disgust flashing across each of their faces in differing orders.
Chase is the first to stand, making a hasty exit without even bothering to come up with an excuse.
Cameron follows quickly after him, though she has the decorum to try and seem casual.
She fails.
Foreman is last, standing slowly as he contemplates every life choice that has led him to this moment.
He looks up at House and Wilson, and steels himself.
“I hate gay people.” He says before following his colleagues out of their workspace, leaving their boss and boss-in-law to whatever weirdo shit they’re most likely going to do.
Back in the DDX room, House breaks into maniacal laughter.
“Told you I could get him to say it.”
“If anything I’m the one who got him to say it.” Wilson says.
House just shrugs, “you’re not getting out of our bet.”
“Oh no I have to give my partner a blow Job!” Wilson feigns horror, “whatever shall I do?”