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Nagisa Kaworu has never worshiped any god.
He may be an angel but there is no being that he truly follows. His sole purpose was to trigger the third impact. That was until Ikari Shinji came along.
He has never been so fascinated with another being before. Kaworu has seen Shinji through countless time loops, and he falls for him every time. He has seen Shinji laugh, hope, and smile, and he finds all of it beautiful. He ensured that in every universe, he and Shinji would be destined to meet—destinies intertwined by fate. No matter how long he has to wait, whether it be 14 years or 62 years, he will reunite with Shinji in the end.
Is this what love feels like? Or is it something else? Devotion?
Yes, Ikari Shinji is the one he follows and will follow for the rest of his life. Kaworu is willing to sacrifice anything necessary to make Shinji happy, even himself. Kaworu has always found humans fascinating, their personalities and way of life are odd. Shinji is the most intriguing of them all. It is through him that Kaworu begins to understand complicated emotions such as love.
“Kaworu?”
Kaworu blinked. Ah, he must have spaced out.
“Yes, Shinji?”
Shinji bites his lip, he seems a bit nervous. “Can you show me how to play that part again?” he asks.
“Of course,” Kaworu replies with a smile. He takes Shinji’s hands and places them delicately on the keys pressing on his fingers to play each note. He guides Shinji through the notes as Shinji starts to pick it up.
There is something calming about playing the piano with Shinji. He loves playing the piano normally but it feels different with Shinji. Perhaps it is his company that makes it even better. He loves many parts of playing with Shinji. The way he learns and picks up things easily. The way their melodies complement each other. The way he smiles at Kaworu is like he’s the only one in the world.
Once they are done playing their duet, they sit down on the ground side by side. Kaworu is about to say something until he turns to see Shinji staring up at the night sky. Shinji always enjoys looking up to see the beautiful view of the sky but Kaworu thinks the view of Shinji being content is the most breathtaking of them all. In a way, Shinji reminds Kaworu of the sky.
Shinji looks down and seems a bit shocked to see Kaworu staring at him but Kaworu simply flashes him a grin. A part of Kaworu wanted Shinji to continue looking at the sky so he could just admire him.
“Kaworu, I have a question,” Shinji says as he rests his head on Kaworu’s shoulder.
“Yes?”
“Why do you stay with me?”
Kaworu opens his mouth to answer but closes it. Why is he so gravitated to Shinji? He often wonders about this question himself but in the end, it’s because of many things that led him to like Shinji. This includes all their time spent together in their past lives though Shinji doesn’t remember that. But most importantly he helped Kaworu find a purpose.
“I guess it’s because you always have your emotions written all over your face. You care for other people despite how badly they treat you. There are so many things about you that truly captivate me, Shinji,” lists Kaworu.
Shinji doesn’t reply. They both sit there in silence savoring the moment and simply enjoying each other’s company. In a world as messed up as theirs it is rare to have a calm moment of quiet.
“Shinji, have you heard about what the world was like before the First Impact?” Kaworu asks.
“I’ve only heard some details about it,” replies Shinji, glancing up at Kaworu with curiosity.
“Before the First Impact, the world was lively with animals roaming freely everywhere. Animals that live in the skies, oceans, and ground. They aren’t like angels; they don’t have destructive abilities such as lasers and explosions. Some attacked people but most were fairly friendly to humans. Most animals lived in the vast ocean. It wasn’t always red, the ocean used to be as blue as the sky. The world had no Evangelion, no angels, and no NERV.”
“…”
“Shinji?” Kaworu looks over to see Shinji fast asleep on his shoulder. He smiles as he takes in the sight. He wishes they could stay in this moment forever. No matter how many times he meets Shinji, he will never get tired of him.
“You know I really do think I was born to meet you, Shinji.”
…
Kaworu should’ve known something would go wrong. He had told Shinji that pulling out both spears would fix the world but this is different from what he expected. Someone must have tampered with the scene.
“Shinji, wait this doesn’t seem right.” Kaworu feels there is something different about the spears. Why are they both identical spears of Longinus? Where is the Spear of Cassius? Think. Think. Think.
“I have to do this Kaworu. I have to save you and everyone else!”
“Shinji don’t take them, the spears are different.”
The battle against WILLE rages on in the background and Kaworu can hear Asuka scream, “Idiot Shinji don’t do it!”
“I have to fix my past mistakes and fix this world. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND!” yells Shinji. His rage awakens Unit 13 and with its second pair of arms, Shinji pulls up the spears.
Kaworu knows it’s over. He watches with bated breath as the Doors of Guf opens and the Fourth Impact begins. The world turns red and everything starts hurling in the air. Kaworu thinks he should feel happy about this. This is his original purpose, isn’t it? To start the impact? And yet he feels that this is all wrong. Shinji doesn’t want this. He wants to fix the world, not destroy it. Kaworu wants to do whatever makes Shinji happy. It is through Shinji that Kaworu realizes his true purpose: to ensure Shinji’s happiness. This is why he came to this universe in the first place. Yes, this time around he will surely make Shinji happy.
He feels the DSS choker loosen around his neck and turn into cubes circling his neck. Ah, it seems his time in this world is running out. Kaworu watches as Shinji's eyes widen and start tearing up.
“K-Kaworu..” stutters Shinji. “Is this all my fault?”
Kaworu thought that he liked every emotion Shinji displays but there is something unpleasant about seeing him cry. Kaworu needs to fix this mess. After all, it is his fault for being an angel and the trigger to the Fourth Impact.
“Kaworu tell me! What am I supposed to do?” Shinji panics as he pounds on the wall separating him and Kaworu.
“Do not worry Shinji. This is not your fault but mine. In the end, this is because of me being the thirteenth angel. I’ll close the Doors of Guf for you.”
“What.?”
Kaworu smiles at him as he grabs one of the spears and stabs it into Unit 13’s chest. Shinji yelps as pain shoots through his body. Kaworu doesn’t like seeing Shinji in pain but this is all necessary to stop the Fourth Impact. He takes the other spear and stabs it into the Eva as well. Kaworu knows his time is up. He turns over to see Shinji looking at him with terror.
“Don’t be sad, Shinji. We’ll meet again.” Kaworu comforts Shinji one last time before the collar detonates and everything turns black.
Kaworu doesn’t feel sad as he dies. He knew he would die shortly after meeting Shinji. Ultimately this is how it always goes. They are fated to find each other in every lifetime, but never to stay. However, there is no need to feel sad because this isn’t goodbye. After all, Kaworu will make sure they meet again. In every universe and every lifetime for the rest of eternity.