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She’s too pretty to cry like this over a fuck up like me, is Charlie’s most distinct thought at the moment. It feels weird to think that someone she’s known for a few hours is this upset at the prospect of losing her. Or maybe she’s just upset because losing her means she’s also going to die? That would make more sense.
Yet, that’s not what she’s saying. She’s holding onto Charlie like she’s the most important thing in the world and begging her to stay with her specifically. Charlie can’t remember the last time anyone held her like she was anything other than an asset, let alone like she’s something precious. Lysa is choking on her words and pleading - as if losing Charlie alone is something that will kill her before the time ripple even gets the chance to. Charlie’s head feels floaty and weird, but she’s trying her best to listen. To feel those delicate hands holding onto her like she’s special.
“You just gotta stay here, okay?”
She feels like she’s in a movie scene, a very specific one, but for the life of her she can’t seem to remember it right now. Maybe this is the ending of every movie she’s ever seen, now that she thinks about it. Maybe it’s just the fact her existence is currently being pulled between two timelines, but this sure feels romantic. She’s not really an expert, but the way Lysa is sobbing over her sure feels like love.
It’s then that she remembers that while she has only known Lysa for a few hours, Lysa has known her - some other version of her - for over a month. Is that long enough to fall in love? And even if it was, why would someone like Lysa - a brilliant, beautiful, accomplished scientist - fall for a failure like Charlie Cornwall? She can’t imagine any version of her worthy of the way this woman is looking at her right now.
She really wishes she could remember the time they spent together that made Lysa care enough to cradle her like she’s holding the world in her arms.
She wished she could remember what she did to make an angel like this fall for a sinner like her, because her own heart is starting to flutter just staring back up into her eyes. Even as the rest of the world starts to fade to black, she thinks maybe whatever comes next isn’t so bad if she can just keep staring into those eyes for a little bit longer.
“Okay, just stay present, okay Charlie? Stay present. You gotta fight this.”
She’s not sure if she’s going to die or wake up in another timeline where Lysa and the others are dead, but right now she just wants to focus on the sound of her voice. A voice that reminds Charlie of the church bells of her hometown, on a warm summer day after morning ballet practice.
Charlie remembers taking extra long to walk back to her foster home after practice, always with the excuse that she wanted to listen to the bells and enjoy the breeze. While those weren’t lies, they weren’t the full truth either. She would have taken whatever excuse she could when she was younger to get away from those eyes in every foster parent she ever had. Eyes full of pity, responsibility, annoyance - but never really love. Only obligation.
As she gazes up at Lysa now, she realizes she liked the bells so much because they sounded like they were begging to be heard.
She wants to be able to say something, to reassure Lysa that she’s listening as hard as she can, but her voice seems to be one of the first things to leave her. All she can do is lay there and blink up at the other woman in a daze, hoping Lysa likes looking into her eyes as much as Charlie likes looking into hers. Maybe that connection can be enough. The eyes are the windows to the soul, after all. Charlie’s always believed that, but it’s never brought her any joy.
“You gotta stay, you gotta promise me okay? Just, stay here, we need you!”
Until now.
She finds herself hoping she’s right about the romantic vibe she’s getting, because she could spend the rest of her life being looked at like this. Even if that’s only a few more minutes. She used to go out of her way to impress the girls at school, hoping any of them would look at her with even a fraction of interest.
And here she is, held in the embrace of the prettiest girl she’s ever met. Her eyes remind Charlie of the forest she used to go hiking in, the rich ambers and browns that made the greens pop as much as they did. She loved those trees, and she missed them when she was deployed. Sand slips through your fingers, and mocks you for trying to hold onto something at all. Especially when it was never meant for you.
She would scrape her knees on the branches of those trees when she was younger, but at least those branches never let go of her on purpose. They were strong and reliable, just like Lysa. She didn’t have to worry about them letting go of her and then never holding her ever again. At least if she did die like this, she could die happy, because someone finally wants her.
Even Vikram and Connor seemed to care about her enough to ask her to stay as their Guardian. Her own parents didn’t even want her, but these people she barely knows hold onto her like she’s their rock. Like she’s not only a friend, but maybe something more.
It’s all she’s ever wanted, and it feels cruel that the memory of what led up to it has been ripped from her. It feels even crueler that they’re being ripped apart now, but at least she’s finally not the one begging to be chosen anymore. She’s the one being begged to stay by people that have already chosen her. It’s a nice feeling, if alien.
“We need you here, please!”
In what feels like hours but is probably only seconds, Charlie’s hearing starts to go the way of her voice. She watches Lysa’s mouth move, but can’t decipher anything that comes out of it. The bells have stopped ringing.
She watches the tears drip down Lysa’s perfect face, and feels a surge of rage that she can’t lift her hand to wipe them away. She was meant to protect her, and now she’s the reason she’s crying. Charlie’s the reason she and the others will be dead soon, and she won’t even be able to remember what she’s lost.
Everything she’s ever longed for was finally in her grasp, and just like always, she let it slip through her fingers. Just like the branches of the trees she used to climb and fall out of - she was the one too weak to hold on. She had failed the Library and its Librarians, again.
Memories or not, of this she was sure.
She doesn’t remember looking into the telescope for no fucking reason, but she wants to strangle herself for doing it nonetheless. All of her teachers, instructors, and drill sergeants had always told her that she needed to focus more, that she was too easily distractible. Eve never told her why she wasn’t good enough for the Library exactly, but she knows it probably comes down to just not being smart enough, fast enough, strong enough. She never was, no matter how hard she tried.
For every time she successfully climbed to the top of one of those old trees, she would fall down three more.
At least this time she fell into the arms of someone like Lysa. As the world started to fade to black, and all her other senses started to dull, she strained to keep staring up at her. She had the irrational thought that maybe if she burned Lysa’s face into her mind before she faded completely from this timeline, she might be able to remember in the next one. Even if only in her dreams.
She wanted to be reminded of this feeling every time she walked through the trees, on the chance that she wasn’t dying and would just wake up with no memory again. She wanted to remember this girl every time she heard church bells calling out for someone to sing with. Everytime the summer turned to fall and the leaves turned the color of her hair before falling.
Maybe, if she tried hard enough to remember this moment, she would feel loved again when the summer breeze hit her skin.
If even just for a moment.
No matter what, she knew the next time she scraped her knee, the sting of failure would be even sharper. She wondered if she would remember where the salt in the wound came from. She hoped she would, no matter how much it hurt. That pain was worth remembering her.
She wasn’t sure if dying or forgetting her, forgetting all of them, was worse.
Just when she was certain it was over, something shifted. She felt like she was at the edge of a yawning void, and then her existence rubber banded back into focus within the blink of an eye. She gasped for breath as sensation flooded her body again, and her mind flashed through all of the memories that had been taken from her so fast it left her dizzy.
“Charlie? Are you okay?” Lysa asked, eyes wide with hope. Charlie had to blink a few times to fully banish the black from the edges of her vision, but she smiled up at the other woman when she did. Now she could finally say what she’d been wanting to this entire time.
“I’ll be okay, as long as I'm with you.” She coughed out, her body still feeling like she’d just been skydiving. Lysa practically squeaked in joy and lunged forward, pulling Charlie into her arms and hugging her tightly. Tighter than Charlie can ever remember being hugged. And she knows she has all of her memories now.
Oh. Right.
Her face, still buried in Lysa’s shoulder, bursts into flames. Was she really so devoid of even basic friendship in her life that she mistook what was obviously platonic affection as romantic intent? God, how humiliating. Now she found herself incredibly relieved the time ripple seemed to have taken her ability to speak first. She would die of embarrassment if she had said something that stupid to Lysa while in that confused state.
As long as I’m with you, was already too close to comfort, but it was easy enough to play off as platonic. If asked, she would say she meant that it was her destiny to be a Guardian. Which wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t the full truth. She would have to play it off however, she would rather die than jeopardize her second chance at the Library, let alone her friendship with Lysa.
Lysa let her go, pushing her back so they could look each other in the eyes again. She laughed wetly, starting to wipe some of her tears away on the back of her sleeve. Charlie couldn’t help herself, she let herself follow one last urge she had while she was fading. She reached her hand out and wiped the tears off the other side of Lysa’s face, giving her a soft smile as she did so. Lysa just smiled right back at her, leaning into her palm.
Charlie’s heart skipped a beat, just like it used to when she would lose her grip on those branches and plummet towards the forest floor. Even if she might want to, she couldn’t afford to fall. Not this time. Too much was at stake.
Tearing her eyes away from Lysa’s finally, she focused on her hand, marveling at how it was whole and normal again. The feeling of fading had felt like ice creeping up her veins, and now the warmth of Lysa’s cheek was burned into her nerve endings. Whatever the others had done, it had worked. They were saved.
Her ears picked up the sound of heavy footsteps, and the two women turned to the door as Vikram and Connor burst in. The relief on their faces was palpable when they saw her, and she felt embarrassment fade as she smiled back at them. Her heart getting confused for a moment didn’t matter, she finally had what she’d always wanted. She couldn’t put it at risk for anything, even for the way Lysa made her feel like she was floating.
She wasn’t going to let herself fall again. They needed her.