Chapter Text
“Hi, my name is Robert Wade and I’ve been told I’m an alcoholic,” The tall man sat back down in his plastic chair.
“Hi Robert,” the group chorused back.
“Why do you think you’re an alcoholic?” the man leading the meeting asked.
“I don’t remember who I am. I woke up in an army hospital a few weeks ago after an injury that left me with amnesia. When I saw that the chair next to the bed was empty it felt like there was a hole in my chest. I don’t know if I expected someone to be there or if the hospital bed triggered something for me or what, but the only thing I could think about was bourbon. When I got out of the hospital I didn’t remember that I had a problem with alcohol so I bought some and started drinking. It filled the hole for a while, but it was never enough. I guess I missed my appointment at the hospital because they found me passed out drunk in my empty apartment.” Robert took a deep breath, “they rechecked my file and apparently I was about 7 years sober before this week. I don’t remember why I started drinking or who I hurt because of it and, uh, I guess I don’t remember how to end this either so…” he sat back down awkwardly.
“Thank you for sharing Robert.” the man said. “Would any of our other newcomers like to introduce themselves? No pressure.”
The meeting continued as Robert Wade sipped stale coffee and looked around the church basement searching for a spark of familiarity. The chill in the air of Monterey California didn’t seem familiar, but it also didn’t seem like the coldest Robert had ever been.
The formulaic way that people talked during the meeting seemed familiar in the way that he remembered prayers as soon as someone else had said the first line. But nothing else stuck out. No one at the meeting seemed to recognize him and nothing about the building itself was jogging his memory. The army doctors had said that it might take time for his memory to come, if it did at all. They wanted him to be patient and ‘wait and see,’ but that didn’t feel like something Robert Wade was used to.
Robert started as chairs scraped the floor and people got up to mingle. An older gentleman sat down in the now vacant chair next to him. “Seven years is a long time to be sober before falling off the wagon. How are you feeling about that?” he asked.
“You know, I don’t know,” Robert said truthfully. “I feel like I should be ashamed, but I can’t remember being sober that long. Can’t remember being a drunk.”
“You really have no memory?” he asked.
“No,” Robert shook his head. “I didn’t even know my name. One of the doctors had to tell me. Wouldn’t tell me much else either,” Robert scoffed, “Whatever I was doing was too classified.”
“That sounds tough,” the old man nodded, “You got any family around here, Robert? Friends? Anyone you can lean on?”
Robert shrugged, “If I do, they didn’t tell me about it.”
The old man extended a hand, “Well now you’ve got one. I’m Jack. It’s nice to meet you.”
Robert shook his hand warmly, “It’s nice to meet you too.”
“Would you like to go for a cup of coffee, Robert? Real coffee.”
“That would be great, Jack,”
Eddie was having a terrible first week back at the 118. Half his LAFD shirts had disappeared in the move, the pantry was empty, and now he was running late because Chris was trying to insist that he didn’t need a babysitter.
He was supposed to drop Chris off at Peppa’s in 10 minutes, but when Eddie popped his head into Chris’ room he could still see a mop of curls poking out from under the covers.
“Let’s go Chris!”
“I’m 14!” Chris whined, “I can sleep here on my own for a day. I promise I won’t burn the house down.”
“No, Chris,” Eddie said. “You can’t stay here by yourself for my whole shift. I don’t know that I trust Tia Peppa by herself either. You know she’s getting older.” Eddie tried changing tactics.
“She can manage.”
“Christopher, I’m running late! You can’t stay here by yourself. We don’t have food!” Eddie said.
“Fine,” Christopher grumbled and threw off the covers dramatically.
Eddie left his son to get dressed while he searched the cabinets for any food Buck left behind so he could throw something together for breakfast.
“Why is there a bottle of champagne in the back of the fridge?” Eddie asks himself.
In the end Eddie was only a few minutes late to his shift and managed to sneak in without anyone noticing. He still felt a pang in his chest everytime he walked past Bobby’s old locker and saw that it was empty. No one wanted to reassign it yet.
Eddie changed quickly so he wouldn’t have to look at his old captain’s absence for any longer than he had to. He found Buck in the firehouse gym getting an early shift workout in.
“Hey, Buck, did you know you left champagne at my place?” Eddie asked.
“Oh, shoot, I uh, I forgot about that,” Buck rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
“What was it for?” Eddie asked.
“Tommy…” Buck said slowly, “uh, I brought Tommy back to the house one night and he, uh, bought champagne in the morning.”
“Wow,” Eddie said, “I didn’t know you got back together.”
“We didn’t,” Buck turned back to the weight rack.
“But he came to the house,” Eddie said slowly.
“Yeah, not my finest moment,” Buck said, “we were both a little drunk, maybe a little lonely. It was just sex. Nothing has changed.”
“So he… what? Bought champagne for a one night stand?” Eddie asked.
Buck shrugged, “I guess,” he lied.
Buck had no desire to tell Eddie who they had fought about, or what Buck had said in response. He wasn’t proud of telling an ex he just slept with that sex didn’t mean he had feelings. Truthfully, Buck didn’t really know what his feelings were. And now that it was all covered by a cloud of grief Buck was even more confused. He just knew he didn’t want to deal with it.
Luckily, the alarm went off before Eddie could ask more questions about why someone would buy expensive booze for an ex they didn’t plan on seeing again.
Jack took Robert to a local coffee shop across the street. The kind that isn’t run by hipsters selling a $15 latte, but Robert still cringes at the price.
He’s not sure why. As far as he remembers (roughly three weeks) this is what coffee had always cost the few times he’d gotten a cup at the hospital cafe or the Starbucks across from his tiny, barebones apartment.
After grabbing their mildly overpriced coffees Jack and Robert walked over to a table near the window.
“You sure you’re military?” Jack asked.
“I don’t know why the army would lie to me,” Robert says, “Or keep paying me if I wasn’t. Why?”
“Most military folks I know who saw combat are weird about putting their back to the door,” Jack said.
Robert hadn’t even considered the door. The only thing his eyes had been drawn to were the fire extinguisher and the AED on the wall. “Maybe I wasn’t in combat,” he shrugged.
“How did you get your injury again?” Jack asked, “If you don’t mind me asking.”
“I don’t know,” Robert said, “They wouldn’t tell me.”
“Well that’s damn mysterious.”
“They’re not telling me a lot of things,” Robert confessed.
“Like what,” Jack asked.
Robert laughed, “hard to say when I don’t know what to ask about. I just feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s somewhere I’m supposed to be.”
“Well what’s your job with the army?” Jack asked. “Maybe you were in the middle of something.”
“I bet you’re getting tired of me saying ‘I don’t know,’” Robert laughed.
“For real?” Jack asked, “they don’t have you working?”
Robert shrugged, “I woke up in the hospital and was told that everything other than my name was classified. Right now I’m spending my days sitting in an apartment and trying to remember who I am. I don’t think I’m on leave, I still have to report to the base once a week so they can run some tests. I’m just… restless.”
“That much empty space in the day can be hard for people like us,” Jack mused. “How are you spending your time?”
“I read,” Robert sighed, “watch t.v. The apartment they have me in doesn’t have a lot of space and as far as I’m aware I don’t have a bank account, just a small grocery stipend so there's not much I really can do. The kitchen isn’t even large enough to really do much. It feels like I’m on edge. Like I’m used to waiting around for something to happen. Or I keep turning around and expecting someone will be there, I just can’t remember who.”
“Maybe someone is missing you,” Jack said.
“Well I don’t know about that,” Robert replied, “I get the feeling I did something.”
Jack shrugged, “lots of alcoholics do something that pushes their family away. 7 years sober though. You might have rebuilt.”
Robert hummed a non-response, “what about you? Do you have people around here?”
Jack nodded thoughtfully, “I like that question. I don’t have family- I do have people. Built a community of old geezers who like to talk and young punks who need to learn to listen.”
“That sounds familiar,” Robert laughed, “Any success?”
“Oh, some,” Jack nodded. “I’ve found the kids want advice almost as much as some of us want to give it. They just like to pretend they’re not listening. Seems like you might be someone worth listening to.”
Robert asked, “is that why you asked me out for coffee? I feel like most people would think the person sitting quietly in back would need it more.”
“Luckily I can spot a friend in need in a stranger,” Jack said with a twinkle in his eye. “And I always have a job for someone with too much time on their hands. I’m a volunteer coordinator at the soup kitchen down by the beach. You know how to cook?”
The 118 arrived on scene at a structural fire that already had several other crews trying to subdue the flames.
“Hen, triage is over that way- take Eddie with you so he can get some experience before he takes his paramedics tests. Buck and Ravi you are on rescue. Stick together and start on the east wing.”
“Got it Chim,” Buck turned toward the fire.
Eddie followed Hen towards triage. He understood that becoming a fully licensed paramedic meant that he would probably spend more time on the outside of major fires and less time on rescue with Buck, but it made him nervous. He didn’t like not having Buck’s back.
Ravi and Buck were directed to sweep the fourth floor for anyone who was trapped by the rising flames.
“Hello?” came a voice near the stairwell.
“Hi, this is LAFD. Are you injured?” Buck called.
A woman laying on the ground with a cast on her leg and crutches beside her on the floor appeared through the smoke.
“Not recently,” she half-joked. “But the elevator stopped working and I tried to go to the stairs, but the smoke was so thick I-” a rough burst of coughing stopped her mid-sentence.
“Ma’am we’re going to get you out of here, follow me.” Buck offered a hand to help her stand.
“Wait, Amanda was still in her office! I didn’t see her come out!” the woman cried.
“Ok, is there anyone else here?” Ravi asked.
The woman shook her head, “Amanda and I are the only ones in this office today. Everyone else is at a big client meeting in Portland.”
“Ravi, take her out. I’ll look for Amanda,” Buck passed the coughing woman to Ravi.
“Are you sure?” Ravi asked, “the evac order just came through. The buildings too unstable”
“I’ll be quick,” Buck lied.
Ravi nodded and guided the woman toward the exit.
As Buck went further into the building the smoke thickened. He could see where the fire had started to eat away at the support beams and spots where the floor or ceiling might give out soon.
Despite the heat and the smoke obscuring his vision Buck marched on. “Hello?” he called, “Amanda? Are you over there?”
Buck methodically, and perhaps more slowly than the situation called for, scoured room by room for any sign of life. He didn’t want to miss something if she had already passed out.
“Buck, what’s your location,” Chimney’s voice came over the radio.
“I’m still on the fourth floor in the Eastern office suite. Still searching for a missing victim.”
“Buck, you were supposed to evacuate 10 minutes ago. pull out!” Chimney ordered.
“There’s one more victim. I’ve almost got them,” Buck replied.
Back at the rig Chimney threw his hands in the air.
Finally at the end of a hallway there he saw a fallen ceiling tile with brown hair sticking out from under it.
“Amanda?” Buck called, “can you hear me?”
“Help,” came the weak reply.
“I’ve got you,” Buck said, “Just don’t move,” He turned on his radio, “I found the missing victim, but I need a neck brace and probably a back board. We are in office 412 on the east side of the fourth floor.”
“we’re coming,” Eddie radioed back.
By the time Buck and Eddie exited the burning building with the victim the fire had subsided to the point where the 118 were no longer needed on scene.
“Why did it take so long for you to get out?” Hen asked as they loaded their gear back onto the rig. “Did you not hear the evacuation order?”
“The victim said there was someone still in her office so Buck went to search for her,” Ravi said.
“You radioed that in almost 10 minutes before Buck found her,” Eddie pointed out.
“Buck, did you even ask for her office number?” Hen asked. “Or did you decide to just recklessly search a collapsing building with no plan?”
“Uh, I guess I forgot,” Buck said, “heat of the moment and all.” No one laughed at the pun. Bobby would have laughed.
Ok, maybe he wouldn’t have laughed during the moment, but it was exactly the kind of dad joke that Buck always associated with his former captain.
“Hey, back off, Hen. He made a judgement call,” Chimney said.
“He disobeyed an evacuation order! He put himself- and us- at risk,” Hen shot back.
Fuck , Buck thought, I did put them at risk too. I should’ve just figured something out solo so no one else had to come back into the building. I’ve gotta stop making it all about rescuing me.
“And he got the victim out,” Chimney said, “yeah, he went full Buck, but what are you going to do! That’s just Buck.”
Hen just raised her eyebrows, “whatever you say, Captain .”
The rig was silent on the ride back to the firehouse. Bobby’s ghost was the loudest voice in the room.