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Zach always knew he was different. He did things differently than other kids, he felt things differently, acted differently, everything about him was just…different. Why? He had no idea. He’d tried for years and years to pinpoint a reason for everything wrong with him, and he never could. That was possibly the most frustrating part of it all. Sure, he hated his different-ness, but if he knew the cause, he could fix it. Problem and solution, right? If he just knew what made him so weird, he could be normal.
And he’d tried being normal. He’d tried really hard. He’d researched how to talk to people, how to tell when someone’s mad at you, how to not talk so loud, how to smile right, how to act like a normal kid – none of it paid off. He followed everything to a T, and everyone still acted like he was from another planet. He might as well have been, with the amount of alienation his life consisted of. That’d been a theory of his in 6th grade - that he was really an alien from space, and that was why he was so weird. It helped him feel better about it, until he told his parents that theory and they confirmed that he was, in fact, not an alien.
Other theories had included fetal alcohol syndrome, being dropped as a baby, secretly being a genius, everyone else actually being the weird ones while he was normal, his life secretly being The Truman Show, everyone else being under mind control by the government – the list went on. Anything he could possibly make up as a reason why he was the way he was, he latched onto it until he couldn’t.
Even now, at 18, graduated from high school – he had no idea what was wrong with him. And he’d made himself a promise, if he couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him by the end of this summer, he’d simply…give up. No college, no real career or life goals, no more attempts at fame, no more reaching for connection, no more. He couldn’t keep putting himself through that, he just…couldn’t.
Summer was nearing its conclusion, and of course, he still had no idea what was wrong with him. By now, he’d run out of money, and he still wasn’t famous, so plan “give up” had begun. Go to work, go home, lay in bed doing nothing. It worked. Greg and Amy would be off at college soon, anyways. They’d find new friends, stop worrying about him – he’d be fine to live the rest of his life like this.
Scrolling aimlessly through his phone, the thought of it gave him faux comfort backed by a deep set feeling of hopelessness and defeat. It wasn’t what he wanted or imagined for himself, but hey, at least he wouldn’t have to deal with any more bullying.
He was broken out of his trance of nothingness by the sound of his door opening. He glanced over, seeing his parents at the door, looking serious. He slowly put his phone away, sitting up in bed.
“Hi?” He greeted, confused. They only ever looked like that when they had bad news. A pit of anxiety formed in his stomach.
“Hi, honey,” Sydney started, her voice…pitiful. She slowly walked over to Zach’s bed, sitting on the edge of it and motioning for Zach to sit beside her. Drew stood off to the side. “Your father and I want to…talk to you about something important,”
Zach hesitantly nodded, moving to sit next to his mom. “Are you guys getting divorced?” He asked upfront, cause that’s totally what this seemed like.
“What? Oh, no, no, we’re not getting divorced, Zach,” She laughed a bit, but it was quickly replaced by the same seriousness as before. “It’s about…you.”
That was almost worse than a divorce. The last thing Zach wanted to talk about was himself, at least in a way that was so…real, like this was looking to be. “...Okay…?” He tiptoed out, waiting for her to drop whatever bomb she came to.
“I know you know you’re…different from other kids, and I know that’s been really, really hard for you,” She started, placing a hand on Zach’s knee and comfortingly rubbing it. She wanted him to be as calm as possible. Zach simply nodded, swallowing nervously. “And…I know that finding out why has been a big thing for you,” She spoke carefully, like Zach was the real bomb here, a landmine that could be triggered at any second. He only nodded again, with an anxious “Yeah?..” attached to it.
“Dad and I decided it was time to…explain things to you.” She smiled sadly, pity reentering her demeanor.
“Wh..what do you mean?” Zach asked, laughing confusedly. Explain what? Did they find out what was wrong with him? Was his life actually The Truman Show?
“Zach, you….” She sighed, trying to find the right way to word this. Talking to Zach could be hard, any little thing could upset him. “I…Okay, I want you to know that this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, and we love you all the same no matter what, okay, sweetie?” She met Zach’s eyes, seeing how uneasy he looked and frowning a bit in response. All she’d ever wanted was for him to be happy.
“Okay, yeah, can you just tell me- whatever it is you’re gonna tell me??” Zach was getting sick with worry, he needed to know now, even if it would “upset” him, or whatever.
Sydney looked over at Drew for a moment before turning back to Zach. She grabbed both of his hands, squeezing them tightly. “Do you remember in 3rd grade when you got to skip a day of school to go play with that nice lady, who asked you all those questions and had all those toys?” She asked, to which Zach once again nodded. “That was…a test, called a neuropsychological evaluation. And that test told us that you were…are,” She took a deep breath. “Autistic, with comorbid ADHD, which just means you have both.” Looking for any kind of reaction from Zach, all she saw was a slightly shocked expression looking back at her. “That doesn’t mean-” “You knew? The whole time, you knew what was wrong with me?” Sydney opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Zach jerking his hands away from her, moving back.
“The whole time, since- since 3rd grade?? And you never told me?? I-” Zach stood up, stepping back from both parents. “You knew how badly I- you knew better than anyone!” His mind was running through every mishap in his life, every instance of bullying, every night he spent lying awake wondering what was wrong with him – it all had an explanation, the whole time? And his parents never thought to just tell him?
“I know, honey, I know, we just wanted to protect you-” “Protect me?? How would- How would that protect me???” Zach frantically asked, his breathing becoming rapid and unstable.
“We didn’t want you to make that your whole view of yourself, we-” “Would you just- shut up??” Zach caterwauled, putting his hands out in front of him. Sydney subsequently closed her mouth and looked to Zach, waiting for him to continue talking.
Zach looked down at his feet, trailing up his own body until getting to his shaking hands. His eyes ran down his arms, making note of the faint scars that riddled them. “Even after-??” He swallowed hard, looking back over at his parents. “So, me trying to kill myself didn’t make you think ‘Hey, you know, maybe we should tell him the reason why he even tried that in the first place’??” Being reminded of that made both Sydney and Drew’s faces go pale. After it'd happened, it was like everyone silently agreed to never speak of it again. Zach was put in therapy for a bit, but other than that, it was treated as something not to be said. In fact, his dad had even told him specifically not to go around telling people, because it made him and his mom “look bad”. “Do you- do you even know what it's like to- to go through life knowing that something is wrong with you, but you don’t know what? For everyone to treat you like- like you’re some kind of monster, like you’re not even a person, and have no idea why?” He looked at his parents for a moment, like there was any way to answer that. “Obviously, you don't, ‘cause if you did, you would have told me!” His voice was getting louder, angrier, sadder.
Sydney felt the sickness of regret setting in, she’d done the wrong thing. Everything she did was to try and make things easier for Zach, to help him have a better life, and she hadn’t ever thought it’d be better to just tell him the truth. She had nothing to say, Zach was right.
“You- you weren’t trying to protect me, you probably just didn’t want anyone knowing how messed up your son is, right?” Zach accused, looking between his parents.
“Wh- Honey, why would we-?” “‘Cause that's what dad did!” Drew stepped forward, putting a hand out. “Zach, don’t-” “When I tried to kill myself, dad told me not to tell anyone because it’d make our family look bad. He told me not to tell anyone I was even in therapy! That's what this is about too, isn’t it??”
“Andrew! Why would you ever-?!” Sydney stood up, looking over at her husband with disbelief. She knew he could be insensitive at times, but that was worse than she thought he was capable of. “I- I can’t even believe you would think that!” She denounced, unable to even comprehend everything going on. “You- you need to leave right now. Just- get out! I don’t care where you go, just-” She laughed in pure disbelief. Drew stood silently in place, not having expected this to turn against him. “Get out!” Sydney ordered, pointing to the door of Zach’s room. Drew opened his mouth to defend himself, but quickly realized that would be idiotic, and left.
There was a stunned silence between the two left. After a moment of processing, Sydney rushed over to Zach and hugged him tightly. “I’m sorry, Zach, that’s- I’m sorry your father would ever say something like that to you, that's not what any of this was about,” Zach didn’t hug her back, he simply listened to her explain herself. “I didn’t want this to be some sort of confirmation that- that there really is something wrong with you, because there isn’t,” She explained, trying to keep herself from completely breaking down in front of Zach. She pulled back, looking up at him. “You are the most wonderful person I have ever met, Zach. You aren’t a problem, or, or some sort of burden,” She wiped away the tears that had welled in her eyes before they could fall. “I just wanted you to be happy.”
Zach looked back down at her, his feelings all over the place. On one hand, he was furious. He deserved to know what was wrong with him the moment they found out, it would have made everything easier. He could have gotten medication, accommodations, a world of support would have been opened up to him. On the other, he knew his mom wanted nothing but good for him. He knew how hard she tried to make things easier, to make him happy. He’d seen her go to bat for him throughout the years, seen her go above and beyond to make him smile. She’d put up with all the shenanigans she could, even when they were completely absurd and would have been shut down by any other parent a long time ago.
“I know,” He simply responded, it being the only solid thought he had.
“I should have told you.”
“Yeah, you should have.” Zach wasn’t going to deny that. As hard as she tried, she’d messed up.
“I’m sorry I never told you.” She knew apologies would never make up for the damage this had done, but she had nothing else to say.
Zach nodded silently, stepping back from her. He looked at the ground, fidgeting with his hands for a moment. “...I’m gonna spend a couple days at Greg’s house.” He grabbed his phone off of his bedside table, shoving it in his pocket before leaving his room without another word.
All he’d wanted was to know why.