Chapter Text
Pomni had been sick for two days now, and she was already…well, sick of it.
According to Caine, she’d contracted a pretty nasty virus, and it was going to take some time to completely scrub her code and make her better again. He’d rambled something to her about needing to upgrade his outdated antivirus protection, but the technical jargon had gone in one ear and right out the other, worsening her headache as she struggled to comprehend it. She considered herself fairly tech-savvy, at least on a basic level, but hearing it used to describe her own body like she was a laptop being sent off for repairs rather than a human being who had fallen victim to a vicious digital flu bug would never quite sit right with her.
At any rate, she didn’t need to understand any of the tech speak to know that she felt absolutely miserable. Whatever rotten bug she’d caught seemed intent on destroying her from the inside out…which was probably dramatic of her to say, but she was the one currently languishing in her bed, so maybe she’d earned the right to complain a little. She had the worst sore throat she’d ever remembered experiencing, burning so badly every time she swallowed that it felt like it was ripping her inflamed tonsils to shreds and made her eyes water. A dull, incessant pain wrapped around her skull, throbbing the worst at her temples, and every muscle ached with a soreness that seemed nestled deep within her digital bones and prevented her from finding a comfortable position to sleep in. Chills wracked her body one minute, striking her with such intensity her teeth would chatter as she hunkered her shivering form deeper down under her covers, only to find herself kicking away the bundle of blankets the next minute as waves of heat radiated from her sweat-dampened flesh. And while she mercifully hadn’t thrown up at any point, an unsettling nauseous sensation resided stubbornly in her stomach that seemingly couldn’t be appeased by ginger ale and was just strong enough to turn her off of any food (and in truth, the persistent nausea was actually worse than if she had just thrown up and gotten it over with).
To sum it up, she felt a little like death.
The one positive thing about being sick was that she had an excuse to skip out on the daily adventures for a little while. Back in her old life, in her old job, she would end up dragging herself to work though any number of ailments–a bad cold, a horrible migraine, awful period cramps that made her sick to her stomach–because she had certain expectations of herself to uphold, and hated the idea of burdening anyone else with her workload just because she felt a little under the weather. So many people dismissed her pain when she’d mention it anyway, so why give them any reason to resent her or make them think she was overreacting by asking for any favors?
…But that wasn’t something she wanted to think about right now.
At least in the circus, she wasn’t required to join every adventure. It wasn’t as if she was at risk of getting fired or having her pay docked here or anything. But much as she disliked them, she chose to go on them anyway, partly for something to do and partly because of that deeply ingrained need to not let anyone down and to prove herself. Prove what, she wasn’t sure…that she was a team player, maybe, or that she was as capable of keeping up with Caine’s wacky whims as everyone else. She’d spent a good chunk of her life trying to show people she was capable of keeping up with them, and old habits died hard. Even now, as she lay curled up in bed with every part of her body hurting, she couldn’t help the faintest twinge of guilt that she was going yet another day without participating, like she was letting people down by not being there to help steal syrup back from gummy bandits or fight a ghost that was actually an angel or whatever Caine had cooked up for the day.
There was a second positive to being sick, now that she thought of it, and it was that Ragatha had insisted on staying behind from the adventures for the last two days to take care of her…although that presented a problem in and of itself that was hard for Pomni to express. While Pomni only tolerated the daily adventures at best, Ragatha seemed to legitimately like at least some of them, and appreciated the distraction they provided. Pomni felt bad that Ragatha was sacrificing the adventures just for her, not wanting her girlfriend to miss out on anything or alter her routine to cater to her. It didn’t help matters much that Pomni wasn’t really accustomed to being coddled; in her old life she was used to fending for herself, and even growing up had been made to feel like her symptoms were a nuisance that she should learn to take care of herself. Hence, her hesitancy to ever accept help or believe that anyone’s care for her was genuine, something that had driven her to becoming independent to a fault and that she still struggled to overcome. Ragatha, however, was an absolute mother hen to an almost overbearing degree, and while she had learned to dial it back with Pomni and understood that it could be too much for her…she still doted on her, checking on her frequently and asking if she needed anything. Pomni couldn’t shake the thought that she was weighing Ragatha down, and tried to ask for very little and insist that she was fine, even though she really wasn’t. But she was used to taking care of herself, so it was okay…mostly.
Pomni groaned to herself, burying her face in her pillow and scrunching herself into an even smaller ball under her blanket, attempting to arch her sore back. She was overthinking again, and it was only contributing to the horrible headache drumming away at her temples. All she wanted to do was fall asleep and shut her brain up for a few blissful hours, but rest didn’t come easily when pain pulsed through her entire body and left her tossing and turning. She tugged her blanket more tightly around herself, a chill rippling through her achy limbs that jolted her sharply back into wakefulness.
This is going to be another long day…
A gentle knock sounded at her door then. Since everyone else would have already left for the adventure by this time, Pomni knew there was only one person it could be.
“Come i–” she tried to say, but the mere effort of speaking triggered a sudden harsh coughing fit, her whole body convulsing and her chest aching from the repeated exertion as she hacked into the crook of her elbow. Once her coughs tapered off, she wheezed tiredly and finally managed to croak out, “...Come in.”
The door creaked open, and Ragatha let herself in, worry stitched across her features as she regarded Pomni anxiously. “Oh, gosh, your cough sounds like it’s gotten a lot worse.”
“Everything feels worse,” Pomni moaned weakly, pinpricks of pain flaring in her throat as she spoke, gazing plaintively up at her girlfriend. “I really don’t feel well at all…”
“Oh, sweetie…” Ragatha stepped all the way into the room, perching on the edge of Pomni’s bed and gingerly pressing a hand to the jester’s sweat-slicked forehead. “It feels like your fever is finally breaking, that’s a really good sign.”
“Mh…it’ll probably just spike up again in a couple of hours like it’s been doing…” Pomni mumbled, her swollen eyelids fluttering shut as Ragatha trailed her fingertips along her clammy cheek and brushed back her hair. “And I still feel awful otherwise…my throat is hurting so badly, everything aches, and these stupid chills are keeping me awake. Seriously, I want to know whose bright idea it was to program in sickness as a game feature.”
“It’s just one of those little oddities I don’t think we’ll ever fully understand–I don’t even think Caine knows exactly how viruses work or how to prevent them, just how to fix them.” Ragatha gently rubbed Pomni’s back through her thick blanket. “But it’ll be okay hon, you’ll feel better soon. Caine’s patching up your code as we speak, in a couple of days you’ll be good as new and ready to jump right back into adventures again.”
“I mean, I’m not so sure about ready for that,” Pomni remarked with a rueful chuckle…and regretted it when set off yet another coughing fit that was even more intense than the last, her frail body shaking with each violent cough her lungs expelled, exacerbating the pounding pain in her temples and the fiery rawness that engulfed her throat. Ragatha could only pat Pomni’s back helplessly as she got it out of her system, ending with a small shudder and a feeble groan as she curled tightly in on herself and clutched her burning throat. “Ugh, ow …”
“Aw, my poor baby…I wish I could do something to cure you instantly, but unfortunately it’s just one of those things we need to just tough out.” Ragatha sighed sympathetically. “Is there anything I can do for you right now, though? Something to drink to soothe your throat a little, maybe?”
Pomni hated asking for anything when she felt like Ragatha had already done so much for her, but she was so desperate to ease the sharp pain searing through her throat that she nodded weakly.
“Can I…have some hot tea, please…?” she rasped, her voice a hoarse whisper that was strained with obvious pain. “I think that’d help…”
“You got it, sweetie. Chamomile with honey?”
Pomni nodded again. “Thanks, Rags…”
“No problem.” Ragatha adjusted the blanket around Pomni, tucking it more snugly under her chin. “Is there anything else? You haven’t really eaten in a few days, and I know we don’t technically need to, but it might help you keep your strength up a bit. Is there any food you’d be willing to try eating?”
Pomni hesitated. She felt slightly less queasy than she had the day before, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to risk subjecting her stomach to anything when she knew from experience how quickly it could rebel against her. She still couldn’t claim to have much of an appetite either, nothing sounded appealing when she could barely swallow without it making her eyes sting.
“I don’t know…I’m not really hungry, and my throat hurts too much to want to eat,” she confided, coughing once. “And I’d really hate to eat only for it to, you know…come right back up again, knowing me.”
“I understand what you’re saying…but the longer you go without eating, the harder it’s going to be to start again later, hon,” Ragatha pointed out. “And you might actually feel better if you did have a little food in you. What about some chicken soup? That’s nice and bland, and it’d be easy on your throat. I don’t want to pressure you into eating, but do you think you’d at least try if I made soup for you?”
“You mean like…from scratch?” Pomni asked, peering up at Ragatha over the edge of her blanket.
Ragatha nodded. “From scratch is the best, after all…well, as close to homemade as you can get it when the ingredients are all polygonal, anyway. And I’ve been told I make pretty good soup, though I usually only make it when someone’s under the weather. Maybe it’s not a cure-all, but even here, a hot bowl of soup can be very comforting.”
Pomni didn’t respond for a moment. It occurred to her that she couldn’t recall ever having homemade soup before, at least that someone had made expressly for her. Growing up, her family had only ever made the canned stuff, with the limp carrots that were too mushy for her liking and never quite enough noodles to satisfy her. And as an adult, she’d never attempted to make it herself, having not cultivated many skills in the culinary field. Dumping a can of soup into a bowl and heating it in the microwave was about the extent of her abilities in the kitchen–she didn’t even remember owning any proper pots to cook her soup in, sad as that was to admit. She’d never really understood people like Ragatha who liked to cook for fun, when she could barely even fix a grilled cheese sandwich without burning it to a charred crisp. A part of her was deeply curious to try her girlfriend’s soup recipe…but guilt wormed its way around the edges of her foggy mind, thinking about how much work it must involve to make homemade soup and how the effort would probably be wasted on her when her stomach would inevitably reject it. She hated the thought of Ragatha wasting so much time on her when she didn’t know if she really deserved it…
“You don’t have to do that, just for me,” Pomni croaked, after a minute. “That’s way too much work, and I’m worried I’ll just puke it right back up if I even try to eat it…I don’t want you to go to so much effort for me, it’s not worth it…”
“Sweetheart, there isn’t anything that isn’t worth it to me if it’s for you,” Ragatha insisted, her voice soft but unwavering. “I’d do absolutely anything I could for you if it would provide you even a moment of relief when you’re feeling this awful…or any other time, really. Making you soup is the least I can do for you right now. Besides, it’s not as difficult as you think, at least in the circus…the whole process is sort of streamlined by breaking it up into a bunch of easy minigames that culminate in a final result, and the better you score at them, the better your food turns out. I used to play a video game like that back in my old life. Do you remember that one?”
“Sorta…?” Pomni vaguely recalled playing a game like that before, though the name evaded her just then. “But I still really don’t want you to put yourself out so much for me, you’ve already done so much…”
“Pomni, you’ve barely let me do anything for you,” Ragatha pointed out. “I know you don’t like it when anyone makes you feel too smothered, and I do my best not to do that as much as I can help it, even when that instinct kicks in…but I feel like you’ve been holding back a little. You’ve been bedridden for two whole days and the most you’ve asked me for is a cup of water and some tissues, and even then you seemed like you were hesitating to request that. It’s okay to need things and ask for help, you know…you’re allowed to let yourself be taken care of when you’re sick as much as anyone else, you don’t have to earn it. You’re not burdening me in the least bit, if that’s what you’re worried about. It actually makes me worry to think that you’re not accepting any care because you feel like you’re not worth it or that you constantly have to fend for yourself. That’s not the way it should be. You've helped me to learn that lesson, so please…let me help you now.”
Pomni’s chest tightened, and this time it had nothing to do with the sore muscles caused by her nagging cough. She knew Ragatha truly wanted to help, and as much as she struggled to accept it, she realized it was probably making her girlfriend feel bad to resist it repeatedly. Ragatha thrived on helping others, on feeling needed, but it was different with Pomni. With her, Ragatha never forced herself to smile or offer aid out of a sense of obligation–her motives were sincere, driven only by genuine love and care. Not that she didn’t care about everyone else in the circus, but Pomni was a special case, and it was a position of privilege that Pomni never wanted to take for granted because she loved Ragatha too dearly to ever incidentally harm her that way. Realizing that rejecting such care over and over was probably hurting Ragatha just as much suddenly made Pomni’s throat close.
“...Okay,” Pomni finally conceded, coughing again. “I’m sorry…I’d really like that, honestly.”
“Shh…no reason to say sorry, hon,” Ragatha hushed her gently, leaning in the brush a chaste kiss against Pomni’s forehead before she rose to her feet again. “I am more than happy to do this for you. I’ll be back in a bit, you just stay put and try to get some rest, alright?”
“Mhm…I’ll try, at least,” Pomni promised, smiling thinly, still feeling a faint pleasant tingle where Ragatha’s lips had grazed her so tenderly. “Thank you.”
Ragatha smiled back before letting herself out of the room, closing the door behind her with a quiet click. The room suddenly felt too empty without her warm presence.
Pomni tried her hardest to go to sleep, but it proved to be an ultimately futile effort. She curled up tightly on one side, then flipped over to the other, then pushed aside her blanket only to snatch it back up and wrap herself up in it like a burrito two minutes later when she got too cold again. She hurt too much everywhere to be able to get comfy in any one position for more than a minute at a time, the headache that relentlessly squeezed her skull distracting her from any semblance of rest. Eventually she rolled onto her back, exhaling a frustrated, defeated sigh as she glared up at the velvety canopy suspended above her head and gave up on sleep for now. Hopefully she’d feel better enough after some tea and soup to be able to drift off, though somehow she doubted it.
As she lay there, blinking dazedly, her mind began to wander into territory she didn’t really have the energy to ruminate on. But even in sickness, her overactive brain had a tendency to carry her away with it, her thoughts refusing to be silenced.
She really hated being this way, that it was so hard for her to trust that anyone genuinely cared about how she was feeling and wanted to help her. It sucked that she even had these doubts about her own girlfriend sometimes, doubts she knew were completely unfounded but that her stupid anxiety-riddled mind couldn’t entirely douse once they started to consume her. She didn’t like how many times Ragatha had had to reassure her already that she was overthinking, always addressing Pomni’s concerns with an enduring patience and compassion that she feared would wear out over time.
What upset Pomni even more was acknowledging there was a definite reason that she behaved the way she did, why she struggled to believe anyone could ever care so much about her and why she’d trained herself to be so self-reliant that letting anyone else tend to her was almost a foreign concept to her. Growing up, she hadn’t exactly had the world’s greatest parents–a demanding mom who expected too much and acted as if every one of Pomni’s shortcomings was a personal failing, and a dad who was so distant and disinterested that he may as well not even have been there at all. Pomni could never help but wonder if maybe her parents had resented her because she was a “problem” child, not because she misbehaved but because there was so much, well, wrong with her that demanded their begrudging attention. She’d been somewhat of a sickly child and attributed at least some of it to anxiety that hadn’t been diagnosed until she was a teenager, which she figured must have cost her parents a fortune in therapy bills and given them another reason to be bitter toward her, and as she’d gotten older a slew of other afflictions had emerged that made her life more and more miserable.
But for some reason they didn’t seem to take her seriously when she described the debilitating migraines she’d started to get at some point in high school that would render her unable to even look at a light without feeling like she was being stabbed in the eye, much less focus on her homework, or that her period cramps had become so severe over time they’d leave her doubled over and feeling faint from pain–it seemed like they wrote it off as her seeking attention, or like she was dramatizing her symptoms as an excuse to get out of school. They’d be rather flippant in telling her to take some ibuprofen and try to deal with it, that everyone got headaches or had cramps from time to time and couldn’t always get out of things they didn’t want to do because of it. The implication that she would be faking being sick just to stay out of school hurt her more deeply than she cared to admit, because as much as she disliked being there she still considered herself a dedicated student and earned good grades (most of the time…the times she didn’t, her mother wouldn’t let her hear the end of it). They didn’t seem to understand that her pain was very, very real, and no one else seemed to believe her as much as she needed them to either. It was like her suffering was a huge nuisance to everyone else, and that they expected her to just smile through the pain and pretend it wasn’t there, consuming her.
So she did just that.
She stopped trying to be heard, and acted like she was fine even on days when she could hardly drag herself out of bed. She dealt with her pain as silently as possible, determined not to hinder anyone else with it, and carried this behavior into adulthood as she went to college and then got an apartment and a job in the city. She rarely took sick days unless she deemed it absolutely necessary and toughed out everything else. When a migraine would drill mercilessly at her temples, she’d swallow as many painkillers as she reasonably could and try to power through it, squinting against the blinding brightness of her computer screen as the repetitive click-clack of her fingers roving across the keyboard exacerbated the crushing ache. When she was stricken by such bad cramps she could hardly walk, she still endured it without complaint, sitting at her desk and discreetly cradling her hot mug of coffee against her abdomen in a feeble attempt to alleviate the pain…even after that one time it got so bad that she passed out at work and ended up feeling too humiliated to confess what had actually happened, she kept at it. And when she was actually sick, she followed the same metric every time to determine whether she should stay home–and that metric was, if she wasn’t puking, she couldn’t call out. On the surface she probably appeared to be an extremely hard worker, and even though she was, it stemmed not from pure dedication to her job but from fear of angering someone by foisting her workload on them just because she didn’t feel well. She was independent and self-sufficient, capable of taking care of herself without bothering anyone else, and she had been perfectly fine with it.
…Because that’s what everyone else wanted out of her, wasn’t it?
Pomni blinked, only then aware of the tears that had suddenly gathered in her eyes. She heaved a frustrated groan as she furiously scrubbed them away with the edge of her blanket. God, why was she crying about this now? She figured she was just a little overly sensitive right now because she felt like crap and hadn’t slept well in the last couple days, and letting herself overthink definitely wasn’t doing her any favors when she didn’t have the mental stamina for it. Still…the thoughts lingered like a sour taste in her mouth, carving out a hollow and bitter ache of anguish in her heart. Years of conditioning herself to need nothing from anyone, training herself to hide her symptoms and masking her pain, had left an indelible scar on her soul.
But now…she had someone who cared, someone who was trying to help heal that wound and make her feel whole again. If she would let herself be, that is.
A gentle knock on her door then drew her out of her thoughts and moored her back to the present. With a faint click, the door swung open again, enough for Ragatha to let herself back in.
“Sorry, hon…I hope I didn’t wake you up from a nap or anything,” Ragatha apologized, placing a tray on Pomni’s bedside table.
“I almost wish you had, just because it would’ve meant I was able to fall asleep.” Pomni sighed wearily, propping herself up on her elbows, her arms trembling slightly as they struggled to support her own weight. She didn’t want to admit that the simple maneuver had made her head spin, closing her eyes briefly as the wave of dizziness swept by. “That was faster than I thought it’d be.”
“Well, like I said, cooking is a little different here than we’re used to back home. Everything gets turned into a game here, you know, even household chores.” Ragatha fluffed up a few of the pillows behind Pomni’s head, and Pomni let herself flop back against them, too drained to hold herself up for very long. “So, I made you some chicken soup and the tea you wanted, and I brought some fruit and crackers too, in case you had any appetite for it. You don’t have to eat it all, but even if you just take a few bites that’s better than nothing.”
As she spoke, Ragatha adjusted the pillows again so that they would support Pomni’s upper back better, allowing her to sit up without having to keep upright herself. Pomni was quiet the whole time, her thoughts churning once again and casting her back into somber memories of her past.
Even on days when she’d had to stay home sick from school as a kid, she never really felt very taken care of. Sure, her mom would make sure she ate and took her medicine, but she lacked the tenderness and sympathy that most other mothers would’ve addressed their children with when they were ill, something that hadn’t really registered with Pomni until much later. In all honesty, she felt like she was in her mom’s way when she had to stay home, disrupting her schedule and essentially giving her another chore to tend to, and it always made Pomni feel unreasonably guilty–like it was her fault she’d caught a bad cold or a stomach bug, like she’d chosen to be sick. Also, her mother had been the type of parent who subscribed to the “if you’re too sick for school, you’re too sick for fun” rule, so most of her sick time was spent in bed, bored to death and either trying to sleep or staring at the crack in her bedroom ceiling…or, if she was feeling daring, reading a book and quickly hiding it beneath her blanket whenever she heard her mom’s footsteps approaching her room. It didn’t dawn on her until years later how ridiculous it was that she’d been afraid her mom would get mad at her for reading and punish her by taking away her book, but that was what she’d known. She didn’t process any of it as weird at the time, even though it had made her feel sad and lonely in ways she hadn’t yet known how to describe.
She tried to be okay with it now. She tried to push down all of the unresolved feelings she had toward her parents, now that she was stuck here and couldn’t do anything about any of it anyway. Because of them, she had let herself believe that she wasn’t really worth anyone else’s time or care, and that she should always rely on herself alone because she never knew if she’d ever be able to depend on anyone else.
But Ragatha had changed all that.
Ragatha had become Pomni’s rock, her shoulder to cry on, her shelter from the storm that perpetually brewed within her own mind whenever anxiety threatened to swallow her whole. In the past two days alone she’d expressed more genuine care and concern for Pomni than the jester felt she had ever experienced from any singular person in her life up until now. She’d been the one to find Pomni in her room, shaking and sweating and nearly coughing up a digital lung, and had promptly pressed a hand against Pomni’s forehead with the gentlest touch she’d ever felt and softly asked her what was wrong, where she was hurting the most. She’d sat attentively at Pomni’s bedside as she’d tossed and turned through the worst of her fever, alternating between carefully wiping her face and arms with a damp cloth to help cool her down and draping a quilt over her shivering form whenever chills wracked her body again. Even when Pomni had tried to insist in a voice that was barely there that Ragatha should go join everyone else for the day’s adventure, Ragatha would lightly wave it off, claiming that the only place she truly wanted to be was right here keeping her ailing girlfriend company. Pomni had thought maybe she was just saying that to make her feel better, that unwarranted sense of shame for being sick and vulnerable weighing on her the way it had when she was a child, but now she realized that Ragatha truly meant it. This was where she wanted to be, right by Pomni’s side, ensuring she felt as comfortable and content as she possibly could as she recovered. And Pomni couldn’t have been more grateful.
“...Hey, Poms? You okay, sweetie?”
“H-huh…?” Pomni snapped back to attention, catching Ragatha’s worried gaze. “I’m sorry, I…think I zoned out.”
“It’s all good. Just making sure you were alright.” Ragatha smiled patiently, though a trace of concern still shone in her non-button eye. “I was just asking if you wanted your tea or some soup first?”
“Um…soup, I think.” Pomni was already beginning to dread the idea of eating it, knowing how badly it hurt to swallow right now and worrying that her stomach would revolt against her the second it went down. But for Ragatha’s sake, she had to try. “Thanks so much for making it, Rags.”
“Aww, it’s my pleasure! I’m just happy to see you try to eat again.” Ragatha picked up the steaming bowl of soup from the tray then, sitting right next to Pomni on the bed. She stirred it for a few seconds before lifting up the spoon, holding the bite toward Pomni’s mouth. “Here you go.”
“Oh! Uh…” Warmth spread up Pomni’s neck and across her cheeks at the implication, though in her hazy state she couldn’t quite differentiate between blushing and a rising fever. “I mean, I can feed myself, you don’t have to do it for me…”
“Sweetheart, no offense, but I saw the way your arms were trembling just trying to push yourself up a minute ago. I really don’t want to risk you spilling soup all over yourself. I promise it’s not me trying to coddle you or anything, but it’s okay to need a little extra help sometimes. So…is that okay with you?”
Pomni couldn’t really argue that point. She reluctantly opened her mouth, letting Ragatha feed her the spoonful of soup.
Oh. Pomni had gotten accustomed to the food in the Digital Circus tasting only vaguely like what it was supposed to, but somehow Ragatha’s cooking managed to taste so much better than whatever Bubble produced within the confines of “all the love he was legally allowed to give” (whatever that meant, but Pomni didn’t care to contemplate it too deeply). Her food always tasted a little more true to life, a little closer to home, and this simple bowl of chicken soup was no exception. The broth was flavorful and just the right temperature, warm enough to soothe her throat as it went down without scalding her tongue, and the noodles were perfectly tender. She relished the mouthful as she chewed and then swallowed, although she half-expected even that one bite to settle like a rock in the pit of her stomach. To her surprise, the soup’s mild but savory flavor profile actually ignited her appetite for the first time in days, and she wanted more.
“Is it good?” Ragatha asked hopefully.
“It’s really delicious!” Pomni told her honestly, with as much enthusiasm as her scratchy voice could deliver. “It puts the canned stuff I grew up with to shame, this is leagues better.”
Ragatha beamed, obviously pleased. “Aww, glad to hear you like it so much! Does that mean you’re willing to eat a little more?”
Pomni nodded, opening her mouth again as Ragatha scooped up another spoonful for her. This bite had carrots in it, soft but not mashy and waterlogged like the carrots she’d always hated in the past. She readily ate a few more spoonfuls, though after one bite she felt a drop of broth roll from her lip and dribble down her chin.
“Whoops, careful there.” Ragatha quickly plucked a tissue from the box on Pomni’s bedside table, gently wiping the soup off of Pomni’s chin. “There ya go, that’s better!”
It was such a small gesture, the type of absent-minded thing someone would do without a second thought and then not think twice about it later. But it made Pomni freeze up, holding unnaturally still for a moment. It wasn’t because she hadn’t liked it, as averse to unexpected touches as she usually was…when it came to Ragatha, she never seemed to mind a bit, maybe because Ragatha had learned her boundaries early on and knew how to respect them. No, it was because in that precise moment, something really seemed to click in Pomni’s overtired mind, snapping into place right next to everything else that had already been tumbling through her head all afternoon. The gentle way Ragatha had dabbed her face clean, the slow and patient way she spoonfed her every single bite of her soup, the fact that she had made an entire pot of soup from scratch exclusively for Pomni. The way she’d remained dutifully by Pomni’s side for the last two days and insisted on tending to her every need, the way she so tenderly brushed the bangs away from Pomni’s sweat-slicked brow before gingerly kissing her forehead and applying a cold compress there, the way she cradled Pomni close and murmured softly in her ear after she’d woken up in a tear-filled panic from a fever-induced nightmare. All of the little things she’d done to make Pomni feel so cared for, so safe, so loved, in a way she had never felt before and never thought she would in her life.
Pomni hadn’t even realized that she’d started crying until she felt the first hot, salty tears already spilling down her chapped cheeks.
“Pomni?” Ragatha sounded startled and worried all at once, clearly caught off guard by the sudden waterworks. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Was that bite too hot? Does something hurt…?”
“N-no, it’s…it’s nothing like that.” Pomni sniffled and choked out a hoarse, awkward chuckle, mortified that she’d chosen now of all times to suddenly break down. “God, this is embarrassing…I feel silly getting this worked up.”
“Poms, if it’s enough to bring you to tears, then I doubt that it’s silly at all.” Ragatha placed the bowl of soup aside, so that she could gently take both of Pomni’s hands in her own, squeezing them reassuringly. “You don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to, but if you do, I’m here for you.”
“It’s…it’s not even bad, exactly, but…” Pomni drew in a shaky breath, feeling it rattle in her lungs, ending in a weak wheeze as she exhaled. “I don’t think anyone’s ever taken care of me like this before, someone who actually did it willingly, at least. Making me soup, feeding me, holding me close when the nightmares get to be too much…it’s a little overwhelming. Not in a bad way, but just, in a way I’m still really not used to. I’ve been so used to just doing everything for myself and keeping my pain all bottled up like it doesn’t exist that it feels wrong to let anyone else do anything for me, somehow. Like, I still feel this compulsive need to apologize for not feeling well, this urge to hide my symptoms. I know I don’t have to with you, and it’s…it’s freeing, but it still feels a little weird, like I’m still supposed to pretend like I’m fine and take care of myself all alone. I guess years of being made to believe my health problems were a burden to everyone else has formed some hard-to-break habits, you know…?”
Ragatha didn’t have to ask further. Pomni had already divulged those details about her life to her girlfriend, in a moment of vulnerability some time ago where she’d just wanted to bare all. Those kinds of talks had never been easy for Pomni, when she was the one having to gather her scattered thoughts and talk rather than listen, but it felt good to have someone she loved and trusted so deeply know her personal history.
“Oh, sweetheart…come here.” Ragatha withdrew her hands from Pomni’s and opened her arms invitingly instead, and Pomni barely hesitated a fraction of a second before collapsing into her girlfriend’s warm, cushiony embrace. She nestled her tear-stained cheek close against Ragatha’s chest as Ragatha folded her arms securely around her, hugging her tightly. “I do know, more than you think, trust me. And it’ll always break my heart to know you were ever made to feel that you couldn’t be honest about feeling unwell just because you thought you were inconveniencing others just by being sick. No one should have ever made you feel that way, least of all your own parents. If it were at all possible, I’d give them a piece of my mind right now.”
Pomni gave a little laugh for real that time, though stopped shortly when it irritated her throat. “I kinda don’t doubt that you would, though at my age I feel like I shouldn’t have to have someone defending me to my own mom…”
“You’re never too old to let someone defend you against someone who hurt you, Pomni,” Ragatha asserted, slowly rubbing Pomni’s back, and the jester gradually melted under the relaxing touch. “The way I see it, your parents had one simple job to do–making sure you felt loved and cared for. And they failed you on that. They made a little girl feel like such a problem to bear for things she couldn’t control that she grew into an adult who still fears she’s burdening everyone just by asking for a sick day when she needs it. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but if that’s truly how they felt about their own daughter and see no problem in making her feel like she’s such a bother to deal with, they never should’ve become parents to begin with.”
“You’re not wrong about that…” Pomni murmured, closing her eyes for just a moment. “I know I could’ve had it a lot worse growing up, and I’m grateful I didn’t, but…I really can’t deny the damage they caused me. It still hurts so much, even now. There’s so much distance between myself and my parents now that I feel like it shouldn’t even affect me here anymore, but it still does. Being trapped in digital purgatory for eternity isn’t exactly the escape from reality you’d expect it to be.”
“Hm, you’d think it might be…unfortunately, since we didn’t exactly choose to be here it leaves us with a lot of loose ends we never got to resolve before it became impossible to. We bring all our luggage with us, so to speak. And it’s not always easy to find peace when everything feels so up in the air.” Ragatha sighed, bringing her hand up to lightly stroke the top of Pomni’s head. Pomni wished so desperately she could remove her stupid hat and feel Ragatha comb her fingers through her hair, but it still felt good nevertheless. “All we can really do is try to find a different kind of peace here, try to make the most of a bad situation and heal from there. Maybe it’ll never feel complete, but it’s a lot better than nothing. I think you’ve made a lot of progress since you first ended up here, you know. I mean, at first, I was worried you’d never feel like you could depend on us, that you’d always be a little closed off. And I wouldn’t blame you for that, because it is unnerving to end up in some weird new place with a bunch of strangers who you’re supposed to spend the rest of your life with, far away from your old family and friends. But you changed fast, and I was really glad to see that in you.”
“I’m glad, too…to be honest, I feel closer to all of you at this point than I ever did with anyone in my old life. I feel like you all care about me more than my so-called family and friends back home ever did,” Pomni confided quietly. “I feel bad that I ever sometimes doubt how much anyone cares, or if I deserve it…I’m definitely trying to get over that, because I know it’s different here, that I’m not alone. It’s one of the few positive things about being stuck in this world.”
“It’s all we can do to keep our sanity here—focus on the good things, no matter how few they may seem,” Ragatha acquiesced. “I understand that feeling all too well of worrying people don’t care, believe me. But you do have a strong support system here, people who really do love and care about you and want to protect you and help you at all costs. Just remember that, we’ve always got your back, and you don’t have to pretend to be fine when you’re not with us. You don’t have to do that ever again anymore.”
Pomni sniffled again, nodding slightly. She knew that, even if it took a lot of reminding to make herself believe it. Much as she felt she’d transitioned as well as one could expect from her old life, where she’d favored the predictable but could never entirely shake the deep-seated ache of loneliness, to her new life full of color and chaos and people who unexpectedly became better friends than she could’ve ever hoped for, she still had her bad days to try and overcome. But for the first time in a long time, she felt like she mattered to people. To Kinger, who treated her more like a daughter than her own father ever made her feel; to Gangle and Zooble, who had become close friends the way she’d wished she’d had growing up; and even to Jax, to an extent, who remained a constant thorn in her side but who occasionally let her see the cracks in his seemingly unshakable “irritating jackass” persona to reveal the more human side underneath.
And Ragatha…if there was one truly good thing to come out of this eternal sentence to digital prison, it was meeting the wonderful person who she felt with her whole heart was her soulmate. Fate may not have been kind enough to spare Pomni from this polygonal equivalent to hell, and she would always wish that her and Ragatha’s lives could have intertwined themselves in the real world instead, would always wonder what it would’ve been like to be with each other without the absurdity of day-to-day life stuck in a video game and the ever-present threat of abstraction looming over them. But that didn’t make her love Ragatha any less, or made their relationship any less real…and if ever one day abstraction did claim her beloved girlfriend, Pomni wouldn’t regret the fleeting time they’d gotten to share together even if being torn away from each other would inevitably break her heart, and she felt certain that Ragatha felt the same about her. She only hoped they could cling to that precious time together just a little longer.
“I’ll remember,” Pomni finally croaked, and then, blinking her eyes open again and shifting positions so she could peer up at the doll’s pretty face, “And hey, Ragatha…?”
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“I just want to say…thank you for taking such good care of me the last few days.” Pomni wiped at her watery eyes, offering a small, wobbly smile. “I know I can be a stubborn patient sometimes, but I appreciate that you don’t give up on me when I’m like that. It makes me feel better just knowing someone cares and wants to help me that much…you’d make an amazing nurse, if we ever got out of here.”
“Aww, Pomni…it’s worth it for my favorite little patient, even if you are a little stubborn sometimes,” Ragatha teased affectionately, then gingerly brushed a kiss to Pomni’s forehead and softened her tone as she added, “And you’re so welcome, my love. I’ll tell you every single day that you are so deeply cared about and deserve to be helped as much as you help others, for as long as you need to hear it to believe it.”
Pomni didn’t doubt that Ragatha really would say it every day if necessary, and that she would mean it every time. It soothed her tired, weary soul better than any medicine could ever heal her.
They sat together like this for a few minutes longer, entangled in each other’s arms, before Ragatha finally asked, “Hey, do you want to finish your soup before it gets cold?”
“I do, actually…but can we keep cuddling after, please? Um, if you’re okay with it…”
“Oh, of course! Like I’d ever pass up on an opportunity to cuddle with you all day,” Ragatha responded with a playful little smile, erasing any of Pomni’s concerns that the request had been too much.
Only then did Pomni reluctantly disengage herself from her girlfriend’s embrace, and let Ragatha feed her the rest of her soup, savoring each bite. She even managed to eat the crackers and the apple that Ragatha had peeled and sliced for her, and had regained enough strength to hold her own tea and drink from it slowly, the hot mug warming her chilly fingers as every honey-laced sip gradually tamed the flaming rawness of her throat. It was remarkable how much better she felt after a little food, something she’d actively been avoiding for fear of her stomach turning against her—but now, she didn’t feel even the least bit nauseous. It seemed like something lovingly made for her by her girlfriend really was the remedy to combat the stupid virus that had invaded her system, that it was finally being chased out. She didn’t exactly relish the thought of having to join in on the daily adventures again, but it would be nice to go back to normal again.
Well…as normal as she could ever feel here. But at least she had someone to help keep her grounded when nothing else felt right.
Once Pomni had finished eating, Ragatha set the tray aside on the bedside table again before helping Pomni lie back down, ensuring her pillows were adequately fluffed and her blanket wrapped snugly around her. Then she crawled into bed next to Pomni, pulling the burrito-bundled little jester back into her arms and cradling her close again. Pomni nestled her head against the crook of Ragatha’s neck, exhaling a soft sigh as the doll began gently stroking her scalp through her hat again, slowly but surely alleviating the vicious headache that had plagued her all day. Or maybe it was merely Ragatha’s calming presence making Pomni mercifully forget about her pain, lulling her into such a peaceful state that she suddenly struggled to keep her eyes open.
“Try to get some sleep, hon,” Ragatha whispered to her. “I’ll be right here when you wake up, in case you need anything.”
“Mh…I’ll try to. No promises…” Pomni murmured drowsily, stifling a yawn even as she said so. “Love you, Rags.”
“I love you too, my sweet Pomni. Sleep well.”
Pomni let her eyelids droop shut, the heavy weight of exhaustion sinking into her digital bones too prominently to ignore any longer. She silently wished she wouldn’t have any horrible nightmares this time, that aches and chills wouldn’t jerk her back out of her slumber again, but she knew if they did Ragatha would be right there to console her and ease her back to sleep with backrubs and hushed words of comfort. And this time, Pomni wouldn’t hesitate to let herself receive that comfort.
Pomni soon drifted off, a quiet purr rumbling in the back of her throat as she melted fully into her girlfriend’s cozy embrace. She was dimly aware of the fluttery touch of Ragatha’s lips pressing against her forehead once more just before she slipped out of consciousness, enveloping her in a warm sense of serenity unlike anything she could have ever hoped to feel in this world. Even long after she recovered, she knew she would cherish this pocket of peace and safety, the unfaltering security that she was truly cared for and loved, until the end of her days.